Title: Waiting
Author: Jen
Email: jenny@blue-unclouded.net
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be.
Classification: Mitch/Terri. Set post-ep 'In the Lap of the Gods'.
Summary: Terri's mind dances round in circles late one night.

"Well, Dom thinks you're single."

Mitch's words echo in my head as I lay in bed late at night. My reply had been cool and measured.

"I am single."

But in the night's inky darkness, sleep evades me as I replay the conversation in my head, over and over. The words writhe and shift, gradually revealing hidden depths and meanings as my brain grates over them, wearing away their superficial layers.

Mitch's jealousy was sweet and harmless, but it brings up an uncomfortable issue.

What am I? In the technical sense of the word I *am* single, yet I've promised to wait for him.

Wait.

A promise that precludes any other romantic attachment. But nobody else knows. In the eyes of the world, I'm free. Unattached. Available.

But I'm not. If anybody asked to take me out, I'd find some excuse to politely refuse.

So, in the practical sense of the word, I'm *not* single. I'm attached. Spoken for. Unavailable. And very willingly so.

But for what purpose? We can't have romantic candlelit dinners. He can't buy me flowers. I certainly can't curl up next to him on warm nights, waking up to the smell of him cooking breakfast next morning. For all intents and purposes, Mitch and I must appear nothing more than the close friends everybody knows us to be. Such is the peril of falling in love with a married man, albeit one whose marriage has long since crumbled.

Which brings me back full circle to the concept of being single. Is there a solid definition of single? Or is it a subjective variable, its meaning different to everyone.

Mitch's comment clearly suggests he does not consider me single. I see the arguments. Yet I'm not married, or even involved in any kind of active relationship. Can I honestly look at my reflection in the mirror and say "I am not single", without having to mentally append some form of justification or explanation to the statement?

"I am not single ... But Mitch and I aren't actually together..."

The very thought seems wrong somehow.

And yet, the very fact that this spoken agreement exists between us means that at some level, the two of us are engaged in a romantic relationship. Does the fact that the relationship is not physical make a difference? Or does the occasional stolen kiss provide basis enough?

"Well, Dom thinks you're single."

It's a statement I can't reconcile. A term I can't define. Least of all with regard to myself.

I slump deeper into the soft pillows and finally, sleep claims me.