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| THE CHOPPERS |
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| Arch Hall, Jr. - Yard Gnome gone bad! |
| Y'know, those of you out there that are just gettin' into the B-Movie racket, I have an important piece of wisdom to impart upon you....appearences can be deceptive..... |
| This is not neccessarily a bad thing in most cases. If I stopped renting films in my teenage years on the basis that their titles insulted my intelligence, I'd have never seen such gems as the Evil Dead flicks or been able to have partaken in the laugh fest that some people know as "THE KILLER SHREWS". But, sometimes...the truth hits ya square in the face. Take this review's subject, Arch Hall, Jr.,'s film debut, THE CHOPPERS. After seein' the damn thing...I wanted to chop my DVD player into little bits and pieces, for giving me a window into the abomination that is...well,...Arch Hall Junior. |
| Now..I was familar with Hall from a previous experience...one called EEGAH! (1963). It's always a bad sign when Richard "Jaws" Kiel is the best actor in any ensamble. I remember thinking the Hall's (his father, Arch Hall the First, produced and starred in several of the younger Arch's flicks) resembled Richie Rich and his dad...if they later fell on hard times when Richie became a teenager. But we all know that Richie never hit puberty, because he died and became Casper the ghost...or, maybe because of his evil, greedy ways he went to Hell and became L'il Hot Stuff...one of these two outcomes is probably close to the truth, I'm sure of it. |
| But...after watching THE CHOPPERS, I now think he more resembles a yard gnome. Y'know the type, with the little eyes that are looking just slightly off to the side, yet you know they're looking at you, with that evil little grin that gives ya a feeling like razor blades scraping lightly over the back of yer neck, and....and... Um....excuse me. Ahem...the Plot: Ol' Yardgnome portrays a young punk rich kid named "Cruiser", who is the brains behind a stolen car parts ring. Yeah....I didn't stutter. A stolen car parts ring. Waitaminnit. Hold on. I gotta apologize to anyone reading this review who had hoped for a witty little essay on the film...but I just gotta say something. Lookit this kid's picture (above). he doesn't look smart enough to friggin' tie his shoes in the morning, much less be the head of any criminal operation. Jesus H. Christ....he looks like a f**kin' Kewpie doll with a thyroid problem, or at best, the illegitimate love child of Robert Blake and Charro. |
| Anyways..."Cruiser" and his gang of buddies, fall for a trap set up by two cops who make Steve Reeves in "Jailbait" look like Baretta. They get set up by their fence, and it all ends in a bloody shoot out, and Archie-boy led away in cuffs. Amen to that! Him and his dad shoulda been shot for making this film! The End. Now...I dig hot rod flicks...but this one takes the cake. Stereotypical plot filled with stereotypical characters...in other words, uggh. Seen it before, probably see it again....ya want a good hot rod flick, check out "Hot Rod Girl" (1958) or "American Graphitti"...leave this one alone. Reccommended for Arch Hall Junior completists....you sorry bastards. I gotta go wash this film from my eyes....see ya later, daddy-o. |
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| Cool site for all of your hot rod movie needs and much more..... |
| (1961) Director: Leigh Jason Starring: Arch Hall, Jr., Marianne Gaba, Robert Paget, Tom Brown |
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