posted 3-1-02
7
(the poem in this chapter is by me. Sorry if it sucks, you'll see why I tend to stick with writing stories rather than poetry. Haha. Just pretend it's a really beautiful poem, will ya?
:-) )
Alison literally felt like the wind had been knocked out of her and her heart skipped a beat. Seeing the words, "I think I'm in love with Alison" was the last, the very last thing she had expected to see. And seeing those words, the words "love" and "Alison" in the same sentence, it made her feel so…so…excited.
And of course, Alison couldn't stop reading there. She had to know more. She had to know what else Rafe had to say about her.
And what Alison found were pages and pages going more than a month back, and Alison saw her name in every entry. She looked through the journal to find the first entry where her name was mentioned. She read about how he saved her that night at the monastery and about the time she found out he was an angel. She couldn't help but smile as she read the entry Rafe had written after the light show on the bridge. "So that's why he pulled away from me," Alison said to herself. Of course! Rafe had been in love with her and he had wanted to kiss her.
Another surprising revelation Alison made was how much of a talented writer Rafe was. In several of his entries, Rafe had written poetry. Poetry all about love and desire. Poetry about feeling and emotion. Poetry, Alison believed, that was all written with her in mind. Alison read one of them aloud.
"How can I describe what I feel? You have this strange effect on me, With every smile you make, every breath you take, Just to hear you laugh, just to see you dance, It's love I think. Rafe's touching words literally brought tears to her eyes. She felt like she was seeing right into his very soul. But it wasn't until she had read Rafe's entry from New Year's Eve that she truly realized the depth of Rafe's feelings for her.
"I told Alison that my being back was a sort of a bonus, that now I would be able to experience the joys of life, but this time, without the powers. But that of course, is not the truth. I asked to come back, I begged to come back. Even if it meant giving up my angel powers forever, I had to fix what I didn't fix before. Alison's happiness means the world to me and if I have to give all that up just to come back to her, I don't care, it's worth it. I have to help Alison and Jamal get back together and work out there problems. Ha! Rafe, stop lying to yourself! You know that's the not real reason you came back. The real reason is because you can't stop thinking of Alison. Okay, it' s true. Okay? I admit it. I can't help it. I just want to be with Alison, near Alison…because I'm in love with her."
Alison reread the entry again, making sure that she was understanding him right. "He gave up everything for me," Alison whispered. He's not here because he was sent back, he asked to come back. He asked to come back to be with me.
And after reading that, Alison knew that things would never be the same.
When I've never felt this way before?
It's like, every time I look at you, my heart skips a beat,
And I can't think coherently, I stutter, not knowing what to say.
And I think I'm starting to realize what it is.
It's love.
The way you curl your blonde locks around your finger,
And spin it around so that I can smell your flowery shampoo,
And the warmth of your embrace, I feel a rush of blood pulsing through my veins.
It's love.
To see you dance in a falling shower of pink rose petals,
I'd give you all the pink roses you ever wanted,
I'd give you the world, I'd give you everything.
I think I'm in love with you.
I know I'm in love with you.
Heaven was never this good.
I'd rather spend an eternity with you.
If only you were mine."
The next morning, Alison left the house before Livvie and Jack woke up. She left them a note because she didn't want them to get all freaked out like they did last night.
Alison walked through the park. She kicked the snow on the ground. Even snow made her think of Rafe. Alison sat down on a bench and put her head in her hands. She wanted to cry. She was confused. Very, very confused. She wanted someone to just come and tell her what to do. Should she go for it with Rafe, especially since she knew he felt the same way? Even though the idea sounded completely absurd, she knew that, but could she really fight these feelings? And Rafe couldn't stay here on Earth forever could he? But still, why was this feeling so strong? Should she end things with Jamal?
Oh my god, what am I thinking? End things with Jamal? I never ever thought I would even consider that! He's my first love, and Rafe is an angel! Why do I have these feelings for him? What's wrong with me?
And now, Alison did feel the tears come. Tears from frustration. Tears from confusion. This was too much for her to handle. God, please help me! What should I do? I'm so confused and I don't want to hurt Jamal but I can't stop these feelings for Rafe and I don't know if they are wrong but I can't help but love him. Please, God, please, what should I do? Give me some kind of sign!
Alison was about to get her sign.
Ed appeared on the bench.
"There's nothing I hate more than to see a pretty face with sadness all over it," he said.
Alison jumped at the sound of the man's voice.
Ed chuckled. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you."
"Oh…no. You didn't. I…I was just surprised. I didn't hear you sit down."
"I noticed. Love can be very confusing at times, can't it?"
Alison was taken aback. "How did you know that I…"
"How did I know that that's what you're upset over?" Ed finished for her. Alison shook her head. "Well," Ed explained, "in my line of work, you learn to recognize the signs. Trust me, I know all about how matters of the heart can leave you feeling nothing but confusion."
"Yeah, you could say that again."
"I know that you don't know me, but, would you like to talk about it? Sometimes it helps."
Alison suddenly felt very warm, like it was okay to talk to him. She didn't know this man, but he seemed so warm and kind. Alison felt like she could trust him.
"I have these…feelings for someone. You know, love feelings and stuff…and I know for a fact that he feels the same way about me."
"So what's the problem?"
"I can't be with him."
"And why is that?"
"I just can't," Alison sighed.
Ed knew he was going to have to try a little harder. "You're involved with someone else, right?"
Alison looked at him with an surprised expression again. "Yeah. How did you know that?"
"I told you, you learn to recognize the signs."
"It's not that I don't love Jamal, I do. I do and I…I always will. But…"
"But?"
"I don't know. Things just aren't the same anymore. And I'm finding it really hard to let go because, well because he was my first love and all." Alison laughed. "Listen to me! I'm talking about 'he was my first love' like it's in the past! He is my first love. We're still together. And you know what they say, first love is your true love."
Ed smiled. "Well you know, if you believe that, and you never take a chance with anyone else, how will you know it's the truth? Are you sure Jamal's your true love?"
"I guess."
"You guess?" Ed urged.
"I know," Alison said.
Ed gave her a look, and Alison looked back at him. "I don't know," Alison admitted softly.
"Well perhaps you need to think about this. Listen to your heart. What's it telling you?"
"It's telling me that things are changing with my relationship with Jamal."
"What else?"
"It's telling me that I…I think I'm….I'm in love with Rafe."
"Then there's only one thing left to do. You need to tell this Rafe how you feel, and you need to tell Jamal too."
"I can't do that," Alison said softly. "It's not going to change anything. I still can't be with Rafe. Even if I end things with Jamal, that's not the problem. The problem is that I'm falling in love with a man that I can never have."
"Why is that?"
"It's complicated."
"How complicated?"
"Well you see, Rafe…he…he has like this, really special job, you know? A really important job. And I…I don't think his boss would like it so much if he…you know, got too personal with people and well, you know, mixed business with pleasure?"
"Oh, I see." Ed scratched his chin. "One of those bosses, huh?"
"Yeah. Only it's much more complicated than that!"
"Are you so sure that this boss of his would disapprove of you two getting close?"
"I don't know. I just don't know anything." Alison sighed.
"Well I'm sure things will work out for you, Alison."
Alison nearly jumped off the bench. She widened her eyes. "Oh my god! How did you know my name?" She demanded.
Ed just smiled. "You're Amanda Barrington's granddaughter, right?"
"Yeah. Do you…you know my nana?"
"No, I can't say I'm acquaintances with her, but I do know who she is."
"Oh."
"Would you like my opinion on all of this?"
"Sure," Alison said.
"Well, it's like this. Sometimes, people will be on one path. They know what they want to do, they know who they want to be with. Everything is perfect. But then one day, they suddenly realize that they have wandered off their path and are now in unfamiliar territory. They feel lost."
"Yes, that's exactly how I feel!" Alison said.
"Well, sometimes, those people find their way back on that path. They realize they just took a wrong turn somewhere and then they're back on track. And sometimes, they don't find their way back at all. But you know what the funny thing is? They eventually come to understand that that was the right path all along. Just think about it." Ed winked his eye.
Alison looked off in the distance and thought about what the man said. "Thanks for the advice, and for listening," Alison said softly. "Hey, I didn't get your…name." Alison looked in shock at the seat beside her was now empty.
"Where did he go?" Alison asked. She jumped off the bench and ran over to the bush, looking for where he took off, but there was no sign of the mystery man. Alison went the other way, and without even looking, ran right into someone.
Rafe.
Rafe smiled. "Hi, Alison."
"Rafe…" Alison said breathlessly.
"Our paths cross again," Rafe said with a smile.
"Oh my god! Why did you say that?" Alison demanded.
Alison's sudden behavior took Rafe by surprise. "Say what?" Rafe asked, confused.
"Paths! Why did you say paths?!"
"I was just making conversation. What, do people not say that phrase anymore? Geez, I didn't know I had been dead for that long…"
"Where's that man?" Alison interrupted him.
"What man?"
"That man! He was just here! Didn't you see him?"
"I didn't see anyone, Alison."
"He was right here though!" Alison ran to the bench and pointed to it. "He was sitting right there and we were talking and then the next minute I look and he's gone! It was like he vanished or something! You had to have seen him!"
"I didn't see anyone, Alison," Rafe repeated. "Sorry."
"Oh, okay."
Rafe gave Alison a look of utter confusion.
"I'm sorry, Rafe," Alison said. "Hey," she started over.
"Hey," Rafe smiled. "So what's up?"
"Oh, um…" Alison scratched her head.
"You know, I'm actually glad I ran into you. I think you have one of my shopping bags, you know, filled with all of those clothes you bought me?" Rafe laughed.
Alison just stared at him.
"Alison?"
"Oh! Yeah, um…um…yeah I have that. It's…here," Alison stammered. She went to the bench and picked up the bag and handed it to Rafe.
"Thanks!" Rafe said, relieved now that he got the bag back. It wasn't the clothes he was so anxious to get back, it was the journal he had been so dumb to have left in there.
"You're welcome," Alison said.
"Alison, are you okay?"
"What? Oh, I'm fine." Alison laughed. "What makes you thinks there's something wrong?"
"Uh, I don't know. You just, you just seem really nervous all of a sudden."
"Nervous? Oh, no! Why would I be nervous? No, I just…I have to be somewhere. I…I have to go!"
"Okay…"
"I gotta go! Um…I'll, I'll see you later!"
Alison dashed off as fast as she could.
"Bye, Alison," Rafe said. Why is she acting like that? Rafe wondered.