Narcissism

Seriously, hear me out.

I used to think that all my personal flaws were separate from each other, but having stumbled across a mental health website, the pieces line up too well for this to be anything else. Reading down the list of symptoms, I match almost every description for NPD. It is with this horrific realization that I have catalogued my failings as a functional human being.

--Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious

One has only to visit my website to find proof of that. Of my list of life goals, a full half of the entries relate to being famous, and the other half relate to being accepted. Among them is robbing a bank, which fully falls into the category of being feared and notorious. At various points along that list I acknowledge my own compulsive need to feed my ego. I'm unsure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

--Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others

Again, reading through my website makes it hard for me to deny that. Reading back on some of my comments about the Columbia disaster, and remembering some of the things that I've said following the WTC disaster, I come off as a cold and/or callous person. My defense is that no disaster takes enough lives to matter much in the grand view of world population, but that view in and of itself is proof of my lack of empathy, as are my statements that if I don't know someone, I don't care about them.

--Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her

Ugh. I think that I fall more into the second category than the first. I think (in my mind that think is replaced with a know, and only through proper objective reasoning do I change it in print) that I'm smarter, funnier, and more charismatic than everyone around me, and the people who have been proven better than me in any of those regards I envy to the point of hatred.

In the categories where most people are superior to me, I either make excuses or deny and belittle the importance of that category. There are, for instance, people who are more physically fit ("In the age of technology, who need to run a six minute mile?"), prettier ("Outer perfection is quite often a mask for a wretched and confused soul."), and more industrious ("Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.") than I am.

--Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion

I am, of course, the cerebral narcissist. My website, an embodiment of everything that I love, is the solid proof of that. I write so that I might be gratified, so that everyone will know how smart and funny and wise I am. I read my guestbook and feel pleased. This, I know, is a bad thing. In addition, I have a problem with starting arguments, and not letting them go because of a desire to hurt whoever opposes what I have laid down as truth. I will continue on this path of fierce debate, even when (especially when) I know I'm wrong.

Most disturbing is the pattern that emerges once I know that the argument is lost. I begin a process of manipulating the facts, or creating new ones (though these new facts are technically called lies). I try to direct the debate away from my lost point and onto something fresh, something that I feel that I can win. These despicable habits make it nearly impossible to talk with me unless you are on my side and defending my viewpoints.

--Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)

This one I have proved merely by diagnosing myself with NPD. NPD occurs in only 0.7% of the population. By my definitions, that makes me a unique person. In treating myself for my narcissism, I am indeed being treated by a unique person, one who is able to understand himself better than most of you lowlifes understand yourselves.

Or maybe I'm just an asshole.

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