E-mails Fwds. I've gotten

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And, if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

My name is Bill Palmer, founder of Applebees. In an attempt to get our name out to more people in the rural communities where we are not currently located, we are offering a $50 gift certificate to anyone who forwards this email to 9 of their friends. Just send this email to them and you will receive an email back with a confirmation number to claim your gift certificate.

Hey guys, DONTDELETE THIS EMAIL
It really works, I tried it and got my Gift certificate confirmation number in 3 minutes.

Okay, this is a cool new twist on the survey thing. Now YOU fill in the blanks about ME. Got it? I want every one of you to do this and send it back to me. Oh, yeah, but first send a blank one out to all your e-mail buds so they can return the favor to you. Be honest,I can take it. If you're not sure about one, make it up! If you don't write back you'll be hearing about it!!!!!

2nd--fill this survey out about the person who sent it to you and send it back to them

35. Would you call me preppy, slutty, a homie, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?:

Don't forget to send a blank copy to everyone you know, so they can fill it in about you.

You really should be sitting down when you read this one. Gold Star Mothers is an organization made up of women whose sons were killed in military combat during service in the United States armed forces. Recently a delegation of New York State Gold Star Mothers made a trip to Washington, DC to discuss various concerns with their elected representatives. According to published reports, there was only one politician who refused to meet with these ladies. Can you guess which politician that might be? Was it New York Senator Charles Schumer? Nope, he met with them. Try again. Do you know anyone serving in the Senate who has never showed anything but contempt for our military? Do you happen to know the name of any politician in Washington who's husband once wrote of his loathing for the military? Now you're getting warm! You got it! None other than the Queen herself, Hillary Clinton. She refused repeated requests to meet with the Gold Star Mothers. Now - please don't tell me you're surprised. This woman wants to be president of the United States ----------- and there is a huge percentage of voters who are eager to help her achieve that goal.

PS: Please forward this to as many people asyou can. We don't want this woman to even think of running for President. May you sleep in peace always...and please...hug or thank a Veteran for that privilege.

Don't forget, our girl, Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York Senator, now comes under this fancy Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan. It's common knowledge that, in order for her to establish NYS residency, they purchased a million+ dollar house in upscale Chappaqua, NY. Makes sense.

Now, they are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense. Here is where it becomes interesting. The mortgage payments hover at about $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residency had to be built within the acreage in order to house the Secret Service agents. The Clinton's now charge the Secret Service $10,000 monthly rent for the use of said Secret service residence and that rent is just about equal to their mortgage payment, meaning that we, the tax payers, are paying the Clinton's mortgage, their transportation, their safety and security, their 12 man staff, and it's all perfectly legal.

In case you don't understand why radical Moslem terrorists are so quick to commit suicide, just look at their lifestyle:

No premarital sex.
No booze. None. Never.
No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV. No Spice channel. No Playboy channel.
No ESPN.
No Hooters!!.
No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- NO sports!!!.
Women have to be completely covered and wear veils.
No thongs.
No Victoria's Secret Stuff.
Very, very, few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.
Sand. Friggin sand everywhere! More sand. Ever try to fish at an oasis?
No bass boats. No bass. No fish. Sandstorms. More friggin sand everywhere!
Rags for clothes and hats.
Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips.
Constant wailing from the guy next door.....no,,,wait, that's music!
BUT when you die it's supposed to all get better......

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. There were ten men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the Woman gave a really touching speech saying she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders! There are some good ones, and their insights may surprise you.

1. Better to be safe than..............................punch a 5th grader
2. Strike while the........................................bug is close
3. It's always darkest before.........................Daylight Savings Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of..............termites
5. You can lead a horse to water but..............how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...........................looks dirty
7. No news is..............................................impossible
8. A miss is as good as a.............................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new.................math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...............stink in the morning
11. Love all, trust........................................me
12. The pen is mightier than the...................pigs
13. An idle mind is......................................the best way to relax
14. Where there's smoke there's..................pollution
15. Happy the bride who..............................gets all the presents
16. A penny saved is...................................not much
17. Two's company, three's..........................the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what................you put on to go to bed
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...... you have to blow your nose
20. There are none so blind as......................Stevie Wonder
21. Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded
22. If at first you don't succeed.....................get new batteries
23. You get out of something only what you....see in the picture on the box
24. When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way
25. And the favorite : Better late than............ pregnant

People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so - apart from Bones ).

Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrial or their vehicles?

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May borrow a highlighter?"

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIX
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper exclaimed, "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?".... The officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? ......................They send me a BLIND policeman!"

*Editor's note: When I received this e-mail it was in all sorts of colors and had exclamation marks in random places. I am too lazy to do this. Use your imagination.

GOD

IF SOMEONE HAD A GUN HELD IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE AND ASKED YOU IF YOU BELIEVED IN GOD, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? SAY NO AND FEEL ASHAMED THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? OR SAY YES, I DO, AND DIE STANDING UP FOR GOD? IF YOU'D SAY NO, THEN DELETE THIS E-MAIL. IF YOU WOULD SAY YES, AND STAND UP FOR JESUS CHRIST, PLEASE READ THIS AND PASS ON.

Note: This is a true article that was printed in a southern newspaper less then a year ago.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH BEFORE READING THIS

There was an atheist couple who had a child. The couple never told their daughter anything about the Lord. One night when the little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other and the dad shot the Mom, right in front of the child. Then, the dad shot himself. The little girl watched it all. She then was sent to a foster home. The foster mother was a Christian and took the child to church. On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus, and to have patience with her. The teacher held up a picture of Jesus and said, "Does anyone know who this is?" The little girl said, "I do, that's the man who was holding me the night my parents died."

If you believe this little girl is telling the truth that even though she had never heard of Jesus, he still held her the night her parents died, then you will forward this to as many people as you can.

Or you can delete it as if it never touched your heart.

Funny, isn't it?

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.

Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says. (Or is it scary?)

Funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).

Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Funny how someone can be so fired up, how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them. How you for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week. (Are you laughing?)

Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me. (Are you thinking?) Pass this on only if you mean it.

Yes, I do Love God

*Editor's note: actually, me and "god" (and no, I don't feel the need to capitalize that) aren't that close. So don't get the wrong idea.

This Lotus Totus has been sent to you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins Organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so far. You will receive good luck within four days of relaying this Lotus Totus. Do not keep this message. The Lotus Totus must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true even if you are superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you", mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY ONE. Spend some time alone.

Now, here's the FUN part!

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks
15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape. Good Loti to everyone!

Horoscope Test...

A different slant to horoscopes. Be totally honest and you'll be surprised.

Try this it truly works. Enjoy!!

Horoscope Test...

If you are honest this tells the truth -- it's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper. No cheating!!

The answers are at the bottom of this page.

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.

2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?

3. Your first initial.

4. Your month of birth.

5. Which color do you like more, black or white?

6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.

7. Your favorite number.

8. Do you like California or Florida more?

9. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?

10. Write down a wish (a realistic one).

When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat)

Answers

1. You are completely in love with this person.

2. If you chose:
Red - You are alert and you life is full of love.
Black - you are conservative and aggressive.
Green - your soul is relaxed and you are laid back
Blue - you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow- you are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

3. If your initial is:
A-K-- you have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R-- You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z-- You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

4. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will last long & the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be to great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.

5. If you chose.....
Black: your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend that completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize this.

6. This person is your best friend.

7. Send this to that many people.

8. If you chose: California: You like adventure. Florida: You are a laid back person.

9. If you chose: Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

10. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour.

Ever had a bad day at the office? If so, read the following and have a good laugh.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent his sister. She then sent it to "Laughline", who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.

Here's how it went:

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, and then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. When I get to the bottom and start working, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit, which floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my wet suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.

However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was a regular itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops (totaling 35 minutes) before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for 2 days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, the next time you think you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

E-mails Forwards I've gotten