My Story

I

wake up every morning, put on my pride necklace, and head out into the world as a proud, out, gay man.  It wasn't always this way, obviously.  It has taken me now over three years to come out to the friends and family that I feel it is important to tell. 

I remember when I came out to myself for the first time.  Sure, I've always know, but for so long, it was so inconceivable that I would not accept my sexuality under any circumstances.  I was living in Lansing.  Cindy, my girlfriend, had just moved out.  Her and I had been friends for a couple of years, and after I moved back to the U.S.A., we decided to have a go at a relationship.  I don't really know that I was entirely capable of distinguishing platonic love and intimate love.  She moved in with me, and it wasn't long before I know that she was the girl that I was going to marry.  The ring was picked out.  I was planning.  All the while, there was an increasing urge within the very depths of my being for something more.  I knew what it was, but tried so hard to push it away.  I figured I would just get on bended knee, say "I do," and it would all go away.  It was that internal push that, I think, ultimately lead to our break up.  I became increasingly more difficult to live with.  I was upset when Cindy moved out, but, unlike past girlfriends, my mind was very clear.  I began to focus in a way that I had never focused before.  I sat alone that night, staring at the wall.  I thought about Cindy.  I thought about me.  From somewhere in my heart, I heard myself say, "I was so close to throwing my life away just to avoid being gay."  It sounds cold, but it's true.  If Cindy and I would've married and had children, etc., I would never know if it was out of love, or fear...at least on my part.  So, I simply decided to see what it was that continued to tug at my soul.

That was when I met Dustin.  Now, I had been with guys before, but it was disguised as some kind of experiment or something.  Talking on the phone one night with Dustin, he asked if I considered myself gay, or bisexual.  I thought about it for a minute.  I think I told him I was bi, because there was some kind of safety net there or something.  NBut inside myself, I said quietly, "I'm gay."  With that, I had come out to myself, and began the long process of self acceptance, that now, I think I can finally say, I've nearly completed.  I am finally at the point where I can look in the mirror and feel no shame, no hurt, no regret, and no doubt that I am the person I was meant to be, and would not change that for the world, even if I could.

My sister was the first to find out.  Well, that isn't entirely true I guess.  After I met Dustin, I talked to this lady I worked with about this person I had met, and began playing the pronoun game.  She had to have known...it was just too obvious.  Of course, if she didn't right away, I later abandoned the game, and she knew then.  At any rate, my sister was the first in the family to know.  Or at least to hear it from my mouth.  We were talking one night.  I had tld her about this frind of mine (Dustin).  After a little discussion, she just asked.  I cringed, shut my eyes tightly, and told her yes, that I was gay.  I expected the worst.  Sounding rather excited, she exclaimed, "I knew it!"  Now, her and I don't have a great relationship, but I owe her so much for that.  She didn't condemn me, and I think that gave me some kind of amazing strength to continue the coming out process.

I was really fortunate in that I was pretty much accepted by all who I cam out to.  I moved in with Dustin after only two months.  Initially, I thought that was really fast, but I've come to realize that compared to some, we took it really slow.  Regardless, I don't regret it.  I was out socially.  Since I didn't have a real big day to day interaction with family, I felt it was ok to just be myself.  So, I came out at work and to new friends, etc.  Well, the next big venture was my mother.

My sister found out in either August or September.  In February, told y mother.  Now, keep in mind that my mother and I have always been very close.  Anyway, I was wanting to go back to school, and my mother was talking about all that she could do to help me.  She was going to use her savings and take out a mortgage on her house and what not.  Well, I didn't want her to do that.  I was afraid that she would find out that I was gay and then regret helping me, and I would feel bad.  Hey, I'm a strange one, give me a break!

Well, after about an hour, I finally said, "Mom, I have something to tell you."  She later told me that she was expecting me to say that I'd gotten some girl pregnant or something.  I said, "I'm gay."  She was really great about it.  I was crying like a baby, and she was on the other end, just telling me that I was still her baby and it didn't matter.  We talked for about three hours.  Our relationship has never  really been the same.  We are still really close, and in some ways more than others, but I think that she in uncomfortable with a lot of things, so it's hard for her.  But, bless her heart, she tries so hard.  She apologizes when a negative slurr slips out.  She asks questions.   She is supportive of me.  A lot of people, friends and family alike, have made me feel like either everything is about my being gay, or we just don't discuss it under any circumstances.  With mom, it's just a part of my life.  I talk to her about who I'm daing, or projects I'm involved in, but really, she doesn't make an issue out of it.  She is still my best friend.  When Dustin left me, it was her that I first went to.  She gave me good advice, and listened to me cry.  My world was falling apart (or so I thought), and she was there for me.  She never once said anything about the fact that it was a "gay" thing.  Her baby was hurting...that was all that mattered.

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