Some Thoughts on Adoptee Search:
REASONS AND EXPECTATIONS
So you're adopted. And you've always wanted to know who you are and where you came from. Or maybe it only seemed like always. Lately it's become a lot like the mosquito bite your mother told you not to scratch when you were little. Itching incessantly, demanding to be clawed at, until you finally gave in and scratched, feeling guilty and ecstatic at the same time.
You keep reminding yourself you're an adult now. Your decision to search has not been taken lightly. It's been well thought out. In fact, you've agonized over it at length. Argued with yourself over need versus selfishness, desire versus fear of the unknown. More than that, you're terrified of burning known bridges. What if you search, find, are rejected, and then doubly rejected by your adoptive family? Or find welcoming acceptance from a birth family with whom you don't really want to continue a relationship! How will you handle letting them down, closing doors once again opened? Will you be adding guilt to your already heavy load?
You've read numerous books on the subject, personal memoirs academic studies, even fiction dealing with adoption. You've pored over newspaper reunion stories, watched movies, television interviews and debates pertinent to adoption issues. You have educated yourself as best as you are able. You have truly become an informed consumer.
You have tried to discuss your feelings with your closest childhood friend, also an adoptee, but to no avail. Your friend says he is not in the slightest way intersted in ferreting out people he is sure have no further interest in him. You've told yourself that statistically the male of the species tends to be less disposed to the quest. But you wonder if your appetite to know is somehow unnatural in its voracity.
You've tried, time and again, to broach the subject with your parents. On occasion, even succeeded in inserting the word adoption into a conversation. But the obvious discomfort the word produced halted all attempts at discussion. More guilt. That you've worried them unnecessarily that they may lose your affection and caring.
Envy. Your friend (the one who couldn't care less about his background) tells you his parents have encouraged him to seek his roots. They feel that because of their advanced years and the fact that he is an only son, he should see if he has any birth relatives. They feel that when they are gone he'll still have a sense of connection to family. Why him and not you?
You've questionsed your own motives. Decided what you really want is a sense of self. Not parents to take the place of parents you have always known. Maybe a special friendship, perhaps a feeling of kinship, a sharing of genetic heritage. Questions answered by one who can solve the riddle of your genealogical inheritance.
You've talked to your husband about the prospect of children, yours and his. While he says he's not concerned about genetic problems cropping up, you are. You've projected these possible problems so far into the future, you wonder about your grandchildren, as yet unborn. And their descendants. Strange for a person with no past to be so focused on the distant future. Or is it?
You've been given some bare facts about your conception and birth. For some, that's enough. For you, not by half. You need to hear the voice, see the face, get the straight answers to the difficult questions. You don't want to accept someone else's interpretation. You need first-hand knowledge, not second-hand speculation. Your decision is made. You are determined to pursue your search, whatever it takes, wherever it leads, regardless of risk. Now you are ready to begin in earnest.
With permission of the author -
Wendie Redmond, Ontario, Canada