Dear Fay:

I received a call from the Adoption Registry in Toronto on Thursday, they have located and spoken with my birth mother.

THAT'S GOOD

As requested I have written a letter to her for them to forward but have not put it in the mail.
I am not sure what I should be saying.

ESTABLISH RIGHT OFF AT THE BEGINNING......ASK IF YOU MAY CALL HER....BY HER GIVEN NAME.....NOT MOM....AS YOU ALREADY HAVE A MOM AND SHE IS THE ONE THAT RAISED YOU AND HAVING 2 PEOPLE YOU CALL MOM WOULD BE CONFUSING.....ANOTHER THING...IF THERE ARE OTHER SIBLINGS...IN THE BIRTH FAMILY...THIS MIGHT CAUSE A WHOLE LOT OF JEALOUSY......ESPECIALLY IF THE NEXT TO YOU IS A GIRL....WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS THE FIRST BORN AND THEN LEARNS THAT SHE ISN'T....

SAY SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF AS OF TODAY.....YOUR FAMILY, YOUR OCCUPATION, HOBBIES, TRAVELLING....EDUCATION.....

I WOULDN'T SUGGEST YOU TELL ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR ADOPTIVE FAMILY....THIS PUTS THE GUILTS ON BIRTH MOTHERS....THEY BEGIN TO THINK THAT HAD THEY KEPT YOU THEY COULD DO JUST AS GOOD A JOB AT RAISING THE CHILD..

I WOULDN'T SUGGEST YOU SEND PHOTOS IN THE FIRST LETTER....WHY??? SOMETIMES THAT IS ALL THE BIRTH MOTHER NEEDS TO SEE.....SHE IS SATISFIED THAT YOU GREW UP TO BE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON.....AND THEN DECIDES THAT HER QUERY IS ANSWERED...SO DOESN'T REPLY OR KEEP ON WITH THE CORRESPONDENCE...

YOU MIGHT MENTION THAT YOU WILL SEND A PHOTO AT A LATER DATE....YOU HAVEN'T HAD YOUR PICTURE TAKEN RECENTLY AND WOULD LIKE TO SEND A CURRENT PICTURE.....

THE LESS YOU SAY IN LETTERS....THE MORE QUESTIONS ARISE FOR FUTURE LETTERS....

THE MORE LETTERS/EMAILS THAT GO BACK AND FORTH THE MORE YOU LEARN ABOUT ONE ANOTHER....

WHEN YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH ALL THIS THEN REQUEST THAT YOU EXCHANGE ADDRESSES, TELEPHONE NUMBERS OR EMAIL ADDRESSES....

I DON'T KNOW HOW CLOSELY THE ADR SCREENS THE LETTERS....WHETHER THEY ACTUALLY READ THE LETTERS..... OR JUST PUT THEM INSIDE ANOTHER ENVELOPE AND SEND THEM ON

WHEN THE TELEPHONE TIME COMES....SET SPECIFIC TIMES TO CALL....SAY....IF YOU WISH TO CALL ME....EXAMPLE....7 PM SUNDAY EVENING IS A GOOD TIME......IF I AM NOT THERE PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AND NUMBER AND TIME I CAN RETURN THE CALL....

WHEN IT COMES TIME TO MEET......

I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU MEET IN A NEUTRAL PLACE.....A PARK, RESTAURANT, LIBRARY....IF THINGS DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE YOU CAN WALK AWAY....OR IF THE OTHER PERSON IS CAUSING YOU TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE YOU CAN LEAVE....BUT IF YOU ARE AT THE OTHER PERSON'S HOME OR VISE VERSA....YOU CAN HARDLY SAY....''''GO HOME, GO AWAY, LEAVE''''' IF IT IS YOUR HOME.....IF IT IS AT THEIR HOME....IT MIGHT BE A BIT UNCONFORTABLE SAYING....'''THIS IS GOING NOWHERE, I DON'T WANT TO STAY I DON'T LIKE WHAT'S GOING ON''''' SEE YOU ANOTHER TIME....YOU WANT TO SHOW THE BEST MANNERS THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TAUGHT....

ABOUT BRINGING A GIFT WHEN YOU MEET...

A PICTURE OF YOURSELF...AS A BABY OR CURRENT......FLOWERS....(DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU ARE MEETING).......A LITTLE PHOTO ALBUM OF YOU MAYBE WITH YOUR LITTLE SCHOOL PICTURES....

ALL THE BEST AND MAYBE YOU COULD LET ME KNOW IF THIS WORKS FOR YOU....OR YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SUGGESTIONS THAT MAY BE HELPFUL TO OTHERS

Fay