Spike: *You* were *there*? (chuckles) Oh, please!
If every vampire who said he was
at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have
been like Woodstock.
Vampire#1: I oughta rip your throat out.
Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird
gig. I fed off a flower person, and
I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move.
Spike: Do I have anyone on watch here? It's called security,
people. Are you all asleep?
Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers?
Dalton: What about the Slayer? She almost blew the
whole thing for us. She's trouble.
Spike: You *don't* say? Trouble?! She's the gnat in
my ear! The gristle in my teeth!
She's the bloody thorn in my BLOODY SIDE!
Spike: What's Big Blue up to anyway? He just sits there.
Judge: I am preparing.
Spike: Yeah. It's interesting to me that 'preparing' looks
a great bit like
sitting on your ass. When do we destroy the world already?
Spike: It's paradise. Big windows, lovely gardens. It'll
be perfect when we want the sunlight to kill us.
Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends.
They don't have a rock this big.
Buffy: What do you want?
Spike: I told you. I want to stop Angel. I want to
save the world.
Buffy: Okay. You do remember that you're a vampire,
right?
Spike: We like to talk big. Vampires do. 'I'm going
to destroy the world.'
That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your
friends over a pint of blood.
The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog
racing, Manchester United. And you've got people.
Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with
legs. It's all right here.
But then someone comes along with a vision. With a
real...passion for destruction.
Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Picadilly. Farewell,
Leicester Bloody Square.
You know what I'm saying?
Joyce: Have we met?
Spike: Um... you hit me with an ax one time. Remember?
Uh, 'get the hell away from my daughter.'
Spike: Right about the time you became so pig-headed.
You have your way with him;
you'll never get to destroy the world. And I don't fancy
spending the next month trying to
get librarian out of the carpet. There are other ways.
Spike: Why did you do it, baby? Why did you leave me?
We were happy here.
YOU... STUPID... WORTHLESS... BITCH! Look what you've done
to me.
Spike: A curse! Y'know, something nasty. Boils. I wanna
give him boils all over his face.
You know, dripping pustules. Let's really go for the
gusto here.
Spike: She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut
off my head or set me on fire.
I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little
sign that she cared?
Spike: You're *not* friends. You'll never be friends.
You'll be in love till it kills you both.
You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each
other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends.
Love isn't brains, children, its blood... blood screaming
inside you to work its will. *I* may be love's bitch,
but at least *I'm* man enough to admit it.
Spike: Now, that was fun. Oh, don't *tell* me that wasn't
fun. Oh, God! It's been so long since I had a
decent spot of violence. Really puts things in perspective.
Harmony: You love that tunnel more than me.
Spike: I love syphilis more than you.
Spike: Birds singing, squirrels making lots of rotten little
squirrels. Sun beaming down in a nice,
non-fatal way. It's very exciting, I can't wait to see
if I freckle.
Spike: I don't understand. This sort of thing's never
happened to me before.
Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt all right when I started. Let's try again.
Ow! Oh! Ow! Damn it!
Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen
to every vampire?
Spike: Not to me, it doesn't!
Willow: It's me, isn't it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled.
I--I... You didn't want to bite me. I just happened to be around.
Spike: Piffle!
Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to
sink their teeth into. It's always like,
"ooh, you're like a sister to me," or, "oh, you're such
a good friend."
Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Willow: Really?
Spike: Thought about it.
Willow: When?
Spike: Remember last year, you had on that... Fuzzy
pink number with the lilac underneath?
Willow: I never would have guessed. You played the
blood-lust kinda cool.
Spike: Mmm. I hate being obvious. All fang-y and "rrrr!"
Takes the mystery out.
Willow: But if you could...
Spike: If I could, yeah.
Willow: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
Spike: Don't patronize me.
Spike: I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the
vet and now he doesn't chase the other
puppies anymore. I can't bite anything. I can't even hit
people.
Buffy: You know what? I don't think you want us to
let you go. Maybe we made it a little too comfy in here for ya.
Spike: Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub drinkin' pig's
blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rank huge in the Zagat's Guide.
Buffy: You want something nicer? (She leans her head
to the side, exposing her throat to him)
A look at my… poor neck? All bare and tender and exposed…
all that blood just... pumping away...
Giles: Oh, please.
Spike: Giles, make her stop.
Buffy: There's so much to decide. Ceremony, guests, reception..
Spike: Well, first thing I'd say, we're not having a church
wedding.
Buffy: How 'bout a daytime ceremony. In the park.
Spike: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the big pile
of dust.
Buffy: Under the trees. Indirect sunlight, only.
Spike: Warm breeze tosses the leaves aside, and again ...
you're registering as Mr and Mrs Big-Pile-of-Dust.
Buffy: Stop it! This is our wedding and you're treating
it like a big joke!
Spike: Oh, pouty! Look at that lip.. gonna get it.. gonna
get it..
Buffy: Aren't they a perfect little us?
Spike: I don't like him. He's insipid. Clearly human.
Buffy: Oh… red paint. We could smear a little on his
mouth ... blood of the innocent…
Spike: That's my girl…
Spike: "What's this? Sitting around watching the telly
while there's evil still a foot.
That's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there
and kick a little demon ass!
What, can't go without your Buffy, is that it? To chicken?
Let's find her!
She is the Chosen One after all. : Come on! Vampires! Grrr!
Nasty! Let's annihilate them.
For justice - and for - the safety of puppies: and Christmas,
right? Let's *fight* that evil!
- Let's *kill* something! Oh, come *on*!"
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Buffy: 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense
of fun?
Spike: Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it.
Buffy: Cause I could do anything I want, and instead,
I choose to pout and whine and feel the
burden of slayerness? I mean, I could be rich, I could
be famous, I could have anything. Anyone.
Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until
your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up.
I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could
squeeze you until you popped
like warm champagne, and you'd beg me to hurt you just
a little bit more. And you know
why I don't? Because it's wrong. Humh humh.
Spike: I get this chip out, you and me are gonna have
a confrontation.
Buffy: Count on it.
Buffy: Were you born this big a pain in the ass?
Spike: What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad.
Spike: And the thing about the dance is, you never get
to stop. Every day you wake up,
it's the same bloody question that haunts you: is today
the day I die? Death is on your heels,
baby, and sooner or later it's gonna catch you. And
part of you wants it... not only to stop the fear
and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit
in love with it. Death is your art.
You make it with your hands, day after day. That final
gasp. That look of peace.
Part of you is desperate to know: What's it like? Where
does it lead you? And now you see,
that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or
the kicks you didn't land. Every Slayer...
has a death wish. Even you. The only reason you've lasted
as long as you have is
you've got ties to the world... your mum, your brat
kid sister, the Scoobies. They all tie
you here but you're just putting off the inevitable.
Sooner or later, you're gonna want it.
And the second- the second-that happens... You know
I'll be there. I'll slip in… have myself
a real good day. Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder
if you'll like it as much as she did.
Buffy: Every time you show up like this, you risk all
of your parts, you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason.
As usual, I'm here to help you, and I -
are you naked under there?
Buffy: Get out.
Spike: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part,
I mean...
Buffy: Get out or I will drop you out headfirst.
Spike: Oh, it's the Slayer. For a second there I was
worried. So, what's with the family outing?
Buffy: I need your help.
Spike: Great. I need your cash.
Buffy: I'm serious. You have to look after them.
Spike: Well, that's a boatload of manly responsibility
to come flying out of nowhere.
What's the matter, Slayer? You're not feeling a hundred
percent?
Buffy: No.
Spike: They didn't put a chip in your head, did they?
Buffy: No!
Spike: Be funny if they did.
Buffy: Spike, I need an answer. Now. In or out? You're
the only one strong enough to protect them.
Spike: All right then. Ladies… Come on in. There's plenty
of blood in the fridge.
Dawn: Do you mean like, real blood?
Spike: What do you think?
Dawn: Mostly I think "ew."
Buffy: I don't think I need to remind you, but-
Spike: Yeah, yeah, "anything happens to 'em I'll stake
you good and proper."
Sing me a new one sometime, eh? That bit's gone stale.
Joyce: I, I love what you've, um, neglected to do with
the place.
Spike: Just don't break anything. And don't make a
lot of noise. Passions is coming on.
Joyce: Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?
Spike: Oh! No, no, she can just sew him back together.
He's a doll, for god's sake.
Joyce: Uh, what about the wedding? I mean, there's no
way they're gonna go through with that.
Buffy: What are you doing?
Spike: I, I was... I wasn't thinking.
Buffy: What is this?
Spike: Oh, come - don't get your knickers twisted, I was-
Buffy: What ... is this? The late-night stakeout, the
bogus suspects, the flask? Is this a date?
Spike: A d- Please! A date? You are completely off your
bird! I mean - Do you want it to be?
Buffy: Oh ... oh no. Are you out of your mind?
Spike: It's not so unusual. Two people ... in the workplace
... feelings develop.
Buffy: No! No, no, feelings do not develop. No feelings.
Spike: You can't deny it. There's something between
us.
Buffy: Loathing. Disgust.
Spike: Heat… Desire…
Buffy: Please! Spike, you're a vampire.
Spike: Angel was a vampire.
Buffy: Angel was good!
Spike: And I can be too. I've changed, Buffy.
Buffy: What, that chip in your head? That's not change.
Tha-that's just… holding you back. You're like a serial killer in prison!
Spike: Women marry 'em all the time!
Buffy: Uhh!
Spike: But I'm not ... like that. Something's happening
to me. I can't stop thinking about you.
Buffy: Uhh.
Spike: And if that means turning my back on the whole
evil thing-
Buffy: You don't know what you mean! You don't know
what feelings are!
Spike: I damn well do! I lie awake every night!
Buffy: You sleep during the day!
Spike: Yeah, but - You are missing the point. This is
real here. I love-
Buffy: Don't! Don't say it. I'm going.
Spike: Oh, come on, we need to talk-
Buffy: We don't need to do anything! Okay, there is
no we! Understand?
Buffy: Oh my god.
Spike: No, look at me! I… love you. You're all I bloody
think about. Dream about. You're in my
gut ... my throat ... I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm
drowning in you.
Spike: Gaaah! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you
bloody women? What the hell does it take?
Why ... do you bitches torture me?
Buffy: Which question do you want me to answer first?
Spike: Look, I, I'm at the end of my bleeding tether.
You know? I don't even know why
I even bother, you know. This is your fault. You're
the one to blame for all this.
Drusilla: Am I?
Spike: Bloody right you are! If you hadn't left me
for that chaos demon, I never would have
come back here! Never would have had this sodding chip
in my skull! And you - wouldn't be
able to touch me, because this, with you, is wrong.
I know it. I'm not a complete idiot.
Spike: Small world. Oh dear. If looks could stake. You
having fun, pet? You ... trolling for your next ex?
I gotta say, you can do better.
Buffy: I told you, I wa-
Spike: Thought I was gonna leave town? It's a free country.
Free party. If you want me to leave,
you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and
make me.
Buffybot: Oh…
Spike: Is that your best, Slayer?
Buffybot: No.
Spike: Why not?
Buffybot: I, I wanna hurt you, but I can't resist the
sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.
Spike: Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness.
Maybe I should let you go.
Buffybot: No! No, Spike. Never let me go.
Spike: You know you should be afraid of me. I'm bad.
Buffybot: You are. You're very, very bad.
Buffybot: You're evil.
Spike: And that excites you?
Buffybot: It excites me, it terrifies me ... I try so
hard to resist you and I can't.
Spike: Yeah?
Buffybot: Darn your sinister attraction.
Spike: Are you afraid of me?
Buffybot: Yes.
Spike: You know I can't bite you.
Buffybot: I think you can. I think you can if I let you,
and I want to let you.
I want you to bite me and devour me until there's no more.
Spike: Like this?
Buffybot: Oh, Spike, devour me!
Spike: All right.
Glory: It is not Bob Barker, scabby morons! The key
is new to this world… and Bob Barker is as old as grit.
The vampire… is lying to me.
Spike: Yeah… but it was fun. And guess what, bitch.
I'm not telling you jack. You're never gonna
get your sodding key, 'cause you might be strong, but
in our world, you're an idiot.
Glory: I am a god.
Spike: The god of what, bad home perms?
Glory: Shut up! I command you, shut up!
Spike: Yeah, okay, sorry, but I just had no idea that
gods were such prancing lightweights.
Mark my words, the Slayer ... is going to kick your
skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place
would take a cheap, whorish, fashion victim ex-god like
you.
Buffybot: Spike! You're covered in sexy wounds.
Spike: Yeah. I feel real sexy. Where you been?
Buffybot: I fell down and got confused. Willow fixed me.
She's gay.
Spike: Will fixed you? I thought they'd melt you into scrap.
Buffybot: They were confused too. Do you wanna ravage me
now?
Spike: Give us a minute. Got some bones need mending.
Buffybot: Why did you let that Glory hurt you?
Spike: She wanted to know who the key was.
Buffybot: Oh, well, I can tell her, and then you'll-
Spike: No! You can't ever. Glory never finds out.
Buffybot: Why?
Spike: 'Cause Buffy ... the other, not so pleasant Buffy
... anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her.
I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory
kill me first. Nearly bloody did. (Buffy kisses him)
Spike: And my robot?
Buffy: The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene.
Spike: It wasn't supposed to-
Buffy: Don't. That ... thing, it ... it wasn't even real.
Spike: What you did, for me, and Dawn ... that was real.
I won't forget it.
Spike: Ben! Glory! He's a doctor, she's the beast. Two
entirely separate entities sharing one body.
Like a bloody sitcom. Surely you remember.
Xander: Why blood? Why Dawn's blood? I mean, why couldn't
it be like a, a lymph ritual?
Spike: 'Cause it's always got to be blood.
Xander: We're not actually discussing dinner right now.
Spike: Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat
it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm.
Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. Course it's
her blood.
Buffy: The weapons are in the chest by the TV, I'll
grab the stuff upstairs.
Spike: Uh, Buffy… If you wanna just hand them over the
threshold, I'll…
Buffy: Come in, Spike.
Spike: Hmm. Presto. No barrier. Um, won't bother with
the small stuff. Couple of
good axes should hold off Glory's mates while you take
on the lady herself.
Buffy: We're not all gonna make it. You know that.
Spike: Yeah. Hey. Always knew I'd go down fightin'.
Buffy: I'm counting on you ... to protect her.
Spike: Till the end of the world. Even if that happens
to be tonight.
Buffy: I'll be a minute.
Spike: Yeah. (Buffy starts up the steps) I know you'll
never love me. (Buffy pauses halfway up the stairs,
turns back to look at Spike.)I know that I'm a monster.
But you treat me like a man. And that's...
Get your stuff, I'll be here.
Spike: You don't come near the girl, Doc.
Doc: I don't smell a soul anywhere on you. Why do you
even care?
Spike: I made a promise to a lady.
Giles: You might have let me in on your plan while he
throttled me.
Spike: Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your
eyes?
Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea?
Spike: Thank God. You scared me half to death… or more
to death. You - I could kill you.
Dawn: Spike.
Spike: I mean it. I could rip your head off one-handed
and drink from your brain stem.
Dawn: Look.
Spike: Yeah? I've seen the bloody bot before. Didn't think
she'd patch up so-
Dawn: She's kind of, um ... She's been through a lot… with
the… death. But I think she's okay. Spike? Are *you* okay?
Spike: I'm ... what did you do?
Dawn: Me? Nothing.
Spike: Her hands.
Dawn: Um, I was gonna fix 'em. I don't know how they got
like that.
Spike: I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how.
(to Buffy) Isn't that right?
Buffy: Yeah. That's… what I had to do.
Spike: Done it myself. Um… We'll take care of you. Come
here. (To Dawn) Get some stuff, uh, mercurochrome, bandages.
Dawn: Okay.
Spike: Uh… I do remember what I said. The promise. To
protect her. If I had done that…
even if I didn't make it… you wouldn't have had to
jump. But I want you to know I
did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but… after
that. Every night after that. I'd
see it all again… do something different. Faster or
more clever, you know? Dozens of
times, lots of different ways… (softly) Every night
I save you.
Vamp 1: What is your malfunction, man?!
Spike: It's Halloween, you nit! We take the night off.
Those are the rules.
Vamp 1: Me and mine don't follow no stinkin' rules! We're
rebels!
Spike: No. I'm a rebel. You're an idiot.
Spike: Can we talk?
Buffy: Vocal-cord-wise, yes. With each other? No.
Spike: We have to talk.
Buffy: About what?
Spike: We kissed, Buffy.
Buffy: So?
Spike: We ... we kissed, you and me. All Gone With The
Wind, with the rising music, and the rising ... music, and what was that,
Buffy?
Buffy: A spell?
Spike: Oh, don't get all prim and proper with me. I
know what kind of girl you really are. Don't I.
Buffy: What we did is done. But I will never kiss you,
Spike. Never touch you ever, *ever* again.
Giles: We'll all get our memory back, and it'll all be
right as rain.
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all
stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen
are always so… Bloody hell! Sodding, blimey, shagging,
knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!
Giles: Welcome to the nancy tribe.
Spike: You don't suppose you and I ... we're not related,
are we?
Anya: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.
Giles: Older brother?
Spike: Father. Oh, god, how I must hate you.
Spike: Rupert! (giggles)
Giles: You're not too old to put across my knee, you know
... sonny. Anyway, what did I call you?
Spike: Um... (Spike examines his clothing, finds a label
on the inside of his suit jacket.)
'Made with care for Randy.' Randy Giles? Why not just call
me 'Horny Giles,' or
'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason
I hated you!
Giles: Randy's ... a family name, undoubtedly.
Buffy: Any suggestions on how we're gonna get there?
Spike: Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic
midlife-crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.
Spike: I'm a hero really. I mean, to be cast such an ugly
lot in life and then to rise above it.
To seek out better, nobler things. It's inspirational,
isn't it? And the two of us… natural enemies,
thrown together to stand against the forces of darkness.
Utter trust. No thought of
me biting you, no thought of you staking me.
Buffy: Depends on how long you keep on yapping.
Woman: Please.
Spike: She thinks I'm housebroken. She forgot who she's
dealing with.
Woman: Anything you want, please-
Spike: Just 'cause she's confused about where she fits
in, I'm supposed to be too? 'Cause I'm not. I know what I am. I'm dangerous.
I'm evil.
Woman: I-I'm sure you're not evil.
Spike: Yes, I am. I am a killer. That's what I do.
I kill. And, yeah, maybe it's been a long time, but… it's not like you forget
how.
Spike: (on the phone) Slayer.
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: Meet me at the cemetery. Twenty minutes. Come alone.
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: Bloody hell. Yes, it's me.
Buffy: You're ... calling me on the phone?
Spike: Just be there.
Buffy: Why? Are you ... helping again? You have a lead
on this frost monster thingie?
Spike: Something like that, yeah. Thought you might be
up for a little grunt work.
Buffy: What?! No, no-no grunting!
Spike: I was talking shop, luv, but if you got other ideas
... you, me, cozy little tomb with a view...
Spike: Oh, poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in
anywhere. She's got no one to love.
Buffy: Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot! Poor Spikey.
Can't be a human, can't be a vampire.
Where the hell do you fit in? Your job is to kill the
slayer. But all you can
do is follow me around making moon eyes.
Spike: I'm in love with you.
Buffy: You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like
me… because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up?
Spike: Hello! Vampire! I'm supposed to be treading on
the dark side. What's your excuse?
Buffy: Shoe, need my shoe.
Spike: What's the hurry, luv?
Buffy: The hurry is I left Dawn all night. And don't call
me love.
Spike: You didn't seem to take issue with that last night.
Or with any of the other little nasties we whispered.
Buffy: Can we not? Talk?
Spike: I just don't see why you have to run off so quick.
Thought we could-
Buffy: Not gonna happen. Last night was the end of this
freak show. (Spike pulls her down into his lap)
Spike: Don't say that.
Buffy: What did you think was gonna happen? What, we're
gonna read the newspaper together,
play footsie under the rubble? (Spike shifts her so that
he's holding her with one arm.
He puts his other hand up under Buffy's skirt. She makes
an expression of pleasure.)
Spike: Not exactly what I had in mind. (Buffy pushes his
hand away, struggles against him.)
Buffy: Stop!
Spike: Make me.
Buffy: No! No! (She struggles another half second and
then grabs his face and kisses him. She puts her
arms around his neck and moans. They kiss for a moment.
Then she pulls back) No, no, I-I have to-
Spike: Stay. I'm stuck here. Sun's up. (Buffy looks at
Spike and resumes kissing him. Spike turns her
around and lays her down on a conveniently placed pillow,
lies on top of her.
He moves down to kiss her neck. Buffy moans again. Spike
lifts himself up to look at her.)
Spike: I knew. I knew the only thing better than killing
a slayer would be f-
Buffy: What?! (Buffy shoves him away and gets up angrily,
moves a few feet away. Spike remains sprawled on the floor.)
Buffy: Is that what this is about? Doing a slayer?
Spike: Well, I wouldn't throw stones, pet. You seem to
be quite the groupie yourself.
Buffy: Shut up.
Spike: I'm just sayin' ... vampires get you hot.
Buffy: *A* vampire got me hot. One. But he's gone. You're
just… You're just convenient.
Spike: So, what now? You go back to treating me like dirt
till the next time you get an itch you can't scratch?
Well, forget it. Last night changed things. I'm done being
your whipping boy.
Buffy: Nothing's changed. It was a mistake.
Spike: Bollocks! It was a bloody revelation. You can act
as high and mighty as you like ...
but I know where you live now, Slayer. I've tasted it.
Buffy: Get a grip. Like you're god's gift.
Spike: Hardly. Wouldn't be nearly as interesting, would
it?
Buffy: No! Let me go!
Spike: I may be dirt ... but you're the one who likes to
roll in it, Slayer. You never had it so good as me. Never.
Buffy: Uhh, you're bent.
Spike: Yeah, and it made you scream, didn't it?
Buffy: I swear to god, if you tell *anyone* about last
night, I will kill you.
Spike: Right. (Spike reaches into the back pocket of his
jeans and pulls out Buffy’s underwear)
You gonna want these, too? (Buffy punches him in the face)
