Much hydration has been enjoyed from the contents of these blue cans with white writing, and will be sorely missed. Unfortunately, I have been forced into selling these wonderful objects due to the amount of space they take up in my dustbin. I hope someone can provide them with a loving home. I became deeply attached to them and even gave them names. Mary has dark, slightly damp hair, no particular distinguising features, and a ringpull for a head. Joseph looks pretty much the same.

The product has been used only once, and is in immaculate condition. They are particularly unique in the fact they were originally in a multipack, but two of their friends have been lost forever, and the other two have gone to a loving caring home courtesy of eBay.

They will be well packaged in order for you to receive their empty goodness upon arrival for you to be 100% satisfied with their 95.4%* uncrushed state.

Would look marvelous upon any mantlepiece.

Content has been pre-drunk at no extra charge to the buyer.

Will deliver worldwide, but if the delivery address is not in the UK, please don't bid.

To illustrate the wonderful times that can be had, here are extracts from my diary during the short period we enjoyed together:

27/12/04: Mary, Joseph, and their four friends are bought from Tesco. A monumentous day.

28/12/04: The six friends enjoy performing a circus act together.

It is with deep regret that two of their number perished in an unfortunate accident. Paramedics pronounced Greg and Cecil dead at the scene.

A moment of silence, please.

29/12/04: Cecil and Greg are disposed of in a rather large box with a lid on. I would say dustb*n but Mary and Joseph leak at the sight of the it. We all pray for them that night.

31/12/04: It's New Year's Eve, and Mary and Joseph are completely drunk.

01/12/04: Two of the four remaining friends, Cornelius and Rupert, appear to win the lottery by being sold on eBay and are currently enjoying happier times in Barbados.

27 days of wonderful times between myself, Mary and Joseph ensue. Only yesterday we were still laughing at the practical jokes played on each other. Joseph drew a green recycle bin that scared the living daylights out of Mary, but all in jest. Mary didn't see the funny side and bought a hacksaw.

29/01/04: The remaining, Mary and Joseph, are placed on eBay in search of a better home. I am no longer able to look after them and I urge someone to create a better place for them. They really deserve it.

As if this wasn't spectacular enough, I will also provide a CD on which contains a Pepsi^TM banner spread over 32 A4 sheets, measuring 168 x 119cm

*Official 'Pepsi^TM Uncrushed' society valuation

Some random photos of people you probably don't recognise but appear to endorse Pepsi^TM:

Picture found on Google.

Picture found on Google.

Enough of those ugly people.... take a look at the real thing in the flesh:

Joseph­Ý                    Mary ­Ý

(Hand not included)

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We can perform additional services to make your receiving of this magical gift that much more special. For only £27.99, a gift-wrapping option is available. If you are the winning bidder, please add £27.99 to the final price and let me know that you've done so to receive your beautiful item gift-wrapped.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE! ALL BIDS ARE LEGALLY BINDING!

As of 30/1/05, Mary and Joseph have become parents. Mary just have birth to a healthy baby boy, which shall be named (wait for it)..... Jesus (didn't see that one coming did you?). Already he seems to have been displaying magical powers by commanding a human to change a full can of Pepsi^TM into an empty one in approximately 39.283s.

Unfortunately, as the baby looks like a crushed Tango can, Joseph is having second thought about his marriage to Mary and was considering hiring a private investigator. However, he has now decided to cash in on baby Jesus' magic powers and teach Jesus in the ways of .... being a carpenter.