It has been quite a while since the whole AVALANCHE gang has been together, so Aeris, being bored out of her mind having to be cooped up in the lifestream with Hojo, Rufus, Scarlet, Tseng, and, of course, Sephiroth, who was bragging that he had killed her, decided to pay Cloud a visit.
Aeris: "Hey Cloud, you know we need to go on another date, right."
Cloud: "Who's that?" Cloud asked, frantically trying to conceal himself in the shower with a towel.
Aeris: "It's Aeris, who else in your life took you on a date."
Cloud: "Wellthat's not the point! How did you get hereyour dead!"
Aries: "Ya, so?"
Cloud: "So, I wanna know if I'm going crazy or if it is really you."
Aeris: "It's me!"
Cloud: "I don't believe you!"
Aeris: "I'll prove it then." She takes out the Princess Guard and whacked him upside his head.
Cloud: "Owwe!! Ok, ok, I believe you. So how did you get out of the lifestream? Did you have to perform a secret magic, like Holy, or is it a Cetra thing?"
Aeris: "Actually, I walked through the exit door."
Cloud: "Oh. Ok. So why did you leave?"
Aeris: "Well, I was feeling REALLY bored. There are a lot of people in the lifestream, but they are all jerks, especially Sephiroth and Hojo. So"
Cloud: "Sephiroth! Hojo! What are we gonna...OWWE!"
Aeris: (After smacking Cloud upside his head again) "Don't interrupt. Anyway, so I decided to contact everyone and have a night out. We're all meeting at the Comedy Club on Choco Avenue in Junon tonight. Ok, see ya there." With that she vanished.
Cloud: "Hey wait! My towel is attached to the Princess Guard! Man, how am I going to explain this to Tifa?"
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Later that night, as he was surprised to see the whole team, including Aeris, at the Comedy Club. He approached RedXIII.
RedXIII: "Hello Cloud"
Cloud: "Hey Red. Did you see Aeris too?'
RedXIII: "Yes, she's standing right there."
Cloud: "Ya, I know, but I thought I was going crazy."
Cid: "You are, but this is real."
Aeris: "Come on! We're gonna be late for the first act."
Everyone assembled into the club and sat at the first table. Cloud may have been surprised to see Aries, but what he saw next really scared him.
Reno: "And I will always love u...u...u...u...u...u!"
Rude: "..."
Elena: "Rude, that was your line you idiot!"
Rude: "sorry. I was just too embarrassed."
Reno: "You're not even singing. But don't worry my friendI got backup."
Barret: "My God"
Vincent: "A disgrace to the name 'Turk'. I'm ashamed."
Yuffie: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! OH GAWD!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"
Reno: "Walk...hue..."
Elena: "What it isn't good for..."
Rude: (hand on head)"Kill me now"
Tseng: "You wouldn't like it!"
Elena: "Huh, Tse" She was hit in the head with a tomato before she could finish.
Cait Sith: "Aeris! That was very rudebut way to go!"
Tifa: "Where did you get the tomato?"
Aeris: "I didn't only grow flowers in my garden."
The Turks were rushed of the stage, but not without putting a security guard in a coma.
Elena: "Reno! Put that nightstick away!"
Reno: "No! I'm not done yet! Free Willy! FREE WILLY!
Willy: "Hey, I resent that!"
Cloud: "That was interesting in a creepy, Twilight Zone kind of way."
Yuffie: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! THAT WAS PPRICELLESS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
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Announcer: "Well, that was anumunique first act." But we have a real treat for you next. Let's welcome Mr. Hojo and his scientific sense of humor(this aught to be good)!
Vincent: "Hojo"
Hojo: "Yes, hello Junon! How is everyone tonight! (many grumbles form the audience, especially AVALANCHE's table)"
Reno: "Get off the stage!"
Elena: "Shut up and have another drink!"
Hojo: "Tough crowd"
He had been studying the crowd and noticed AVALANCHE at the first table. There was nothing they could do to him. He was dead. He decided to take advantage.
Hojo: "You know what I really hate? Failed experiments.(looking directly at Cloud) If you're working on a project as big as I was, then you couldn't just throw it away. And since it seems to think it has a will of its own, it would tend to offer some resistance. I just didn't know what to do with it. Not to mention, the imperfection.'
Cloud was ready to pounce.
Hojo: "Then there are the unexpected cases.(looking directly at Vincent) They come always at the last second but that's all they do. You can learn to contain them."
Cloud: "That's it Hojo, you're going down"
Hojo: "You can't hurt me, I'm already dead!"
Vincent: "Aeris, can you still feel pain."
Aeris: I don't( Yuffie whacks her upside her head)HEY! THAT HURT!!"
Vincent: "That answers that" Vincent points the Death Penalty up at the same time Cloud preps for Omnislash with the Ultima Weapon.
Hojo: "no, No, NO!! AHHHH!!!"( starts running around in circles across the stage, wetting his pants in the process.)
Cloud & Vincent: " Huy-ya!" (chases Hojo out of the club)
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Announcer: " Um, well, tonight seems to be going quite well. Now then, our next guest is the famous Sephiroth and his plate spinning act!"
All: "WHAT!!"
Sephiroth comes waltzing out onto the stage. "Thank you!"
Cid: "Hey! What gives. What is this, get out of the *%^$#&@ lifestream free day!"
Reeve: " Ya, there sure are a lot of dead people around here."
Aeris: "Well excuse me!"
Reeve: "No, I didn't mean you!"
Cloud: "Quiet! I wanna see this."
Sephiroth: "This is going to be something none of you will ever forget."
At that moment, Sephiroth leapt into the air. He unsheathed his Murasame and disintegrated. In a few seconds, he returned, in triplicate. He then did something totally unexpected, he spun plates...for 10 minutes non-stop, sometimes trading plates with the other hims.When he was done, all three all him bowed.
All: "....................."
Sephiroth: (jumping up and reanimating into one being) "Thank you!"
All: ""
Sephiroth: "What? I always had a dream of doing this."
All: ""
Sephiroth: "WELL!!"
All: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
Sephiroth: "You don't understand. No one understands!!" (he storms off of the stage, tears barely forming in his eyes.)
Aeris: "Oh Sephy!!
Sephiroth: "Huh? Ahhhhh!!!" (being chased by Aeris half way down the block, Princess Guard in hand)
Aeris returns to the club, with blood all over her all pink dress.
Cloud: "Moist towelet anyone?"
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Announcer: "HAHAHAHAAh that was good. Anyway it's time for the Table Top. Whatever table gets picked will have to perform on the stage, one act at a time. And tonight's table is (Ironically)Table 1! (hey, the story would be no fun if the team wasn't even involved)
AVALANCHE: "WHAT!!"
Cid: "This is so %$*@&^ up!"
Tifa: "What are we going to do on stage?"
Aeris: "We could all team up and do our separate acts. All go with Cloud"
Tifa: "Hey"
Cloud: "Ok"
Tifa: "Fine, I'll go with Vincent then!"
Yuffie: "I'm with Red!"
RedXIII: "Huh?"
Cid: "I'm with Barret then. All that leaves is Reeve and Cait."
Reeve: "I volunteer to go first.'
Cloud: "Fine, second"
Yuffie: "Third"
Tifa: "Forth"
Barret: "Last"
Reeve steps up to the stage, Cait in one hand, leaving his Mog behind.
Reeve: "Ok folks, we gotta great show for you tonight, don't we Cait?"
Cait: (not Reeve with his mouth open, actually Cait's A.I. talking) "Ya dumb dumb, but one thing you forgot."
Reeve: "What's that Cait?"
Cait: "Besides a brain, an act!"
Reeve: "Hey, I don't think that very nice! We came here to entertain these people, not to pick on me!"
Cait: "Whine to someone who cares."
Reeve: "Why you ungrateful little @%&*$*! That's it!"
Reeve starts to attack Cait by biting on his ear. Then, as if a reflex, Cait jumps up and starts pummeling Reeve with power punches. A thick cloud of smoke starts to surround them, and after about 15 minutes of noise, yelling, and pain, a victor emerges.
Cait: "Bow down to me! HAHAHA!!"
Reeve: "(with two broken ribs and a black eye) Uhhhhh."
Mog: "That wasn't a good thing to do."
Cait: "(sitting on the mog) You want some!"
Tifa: "That was embarrassing"
Aeris: "(with controller in her hand, which she just hid under the table) Serves him right for calling me dead."
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Announcer: "Uh...well, right. On to the next act.
Aeris; "Ok Cloud, we're up. Let's pick up from were we left off at the Gold Saucer."
Cloud: "(no, no, nooo)ok"
They step onto the stage.
Aeris: "Hey we're gonna need some help. You three, come here." Aeris points to Tseng, Zack, and Palmer.
T., Z., P.: "Us! Why us?!"
Aeris: "(with Princess Guard in hand) Because I said so!"
They all go onto the sage, where Aeris hands them all different costumes.
Zack: "Huh?"
Aeris: "Play along! Let's do it! (hands announcer and the others cards) Read from these."
Announcer: "Uh, ok. It was a beautiful day in the medieval kingdom, but that was about to change. Princess Rosa was abducted, again. And once again, the hero was called to save her, with the help of a few others.
Aeris: "Oh no, help! The evil dragon lord has taken me hostage! Oh hero, come to my aid" Palmer, embarrassed and irritated, dressed in a black dragon costume, walks up to Aeris and takes her off stage. Cloud makes his entrance.
Cloud: "(God help me) It is I, the hero of legend! (looking at Scarlet is better than this) I have come to rescue Princess Rose, but I need the wizards help."
Zack: "I will take you to the wizard. (man, Aeris has really done it this time.)"
Cloud: "Thank you brave knight." Cloud ran across stage, following Zack.
Tseng: "(dressed as a wizard) Here you are, take this brave hero. It will help you to defeat the dragon lord. (and I thought being dead sucked)"
Tifa: "HAHAHAHA! Serves him right! HAHAHA! "
Cloud, rather red in the face, runs to Aeris and Palmer across stage.
Cloud: "Put down Aer I mean Princess Raisin now!"
Aeris: "Princess Rose! ROSE!!" Before Cloud or Palmer could do anything, Aeris shot up, knocked Palmer off stage and proceeded to chase Cloud around the stage until they were both escorted off stage."
Palmer: "That hurt! I'm going to go eat some lard"
Vincent: We're up. I hope you have a plan."
Tifa: "HAHAwha? Oh ya, I got a plan. Come on!"
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Announcer: "I'm sooo firedOh! Yes, on to the next act, which should be better than that last one.
Tifa strolled on the stage, with Vincent at her back.
Tifa: "Ok Vinc, change into the Chaos Beast."
Vincent: "What for?"
Tifa: "JUST DO IT!!"
Vincent: "(fearing for his life)...ok, OK!" Vincent proceeds to transform.
Tifa: "Ok, now (whispers something in Chaos's ear)got that?"
Chaos grunts and then turns toward the audience.
Barret: "What's she up to?"
Chaos jumps off the stage and toward Aeris. Aeris is lifted from her chair and flown off by Chaos. Soon after, screams of horror were heard.
Tifa: "Mua,hahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHA!"
Cid: "She's #&%@*^$ lost it!"
Barret: "Tifa! That wasn't funny!"
Tifa: "Well, It was for me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Vincent comes back into the club as himself and sits down.
Cloud: "(white faced) What have you done!"
Vincent: "Relax, she's already dead. She'll be back after she returns to the lifestream. I'll give it five minutes. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't know that."
Cloud: "(relieved) Thank God. Does Tifa know that?"
Vincent: "no, why?"
RedXIII: "Oh boy"
Cid: "Now, instead of having one happy Tifa and one dead Aeris, we'll have two unhappy, very powerful ladies, both after Vincent."
Vincent: "(gulps and gets up to leave just as Tifa sits back down and Aeris reenters) See ya!"
Tifa & Aeris: "Vincent!!"
Vincent: "WOH!!(turns into a bat and flies off)"
Reno: "(drunk)I KNEW HE WAS A VAMPIRE!!"
Elena: "Wow Rude, Reno was right!"
Rude: "I'm speechless(as usual)"
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Announcer: "God, what's mom gonna say when I lose my job! Oh, next act from Table 1!"
Yuffie: "Come on Red! I got a great act! Put this on!"
RedXIII: "My senses elude me. I know this is a bad idea but I find myself still going. What am I getting myself into!"
Yuffie and Red stepped back stage.
Vincent (in drag): "What do you think Yuffie's up to"
Reeve (still beat up):"Vincent, what are you doingoh I get it, ok. I don't know but I'm sure it will be interesting."
Yuffie: "And now, ladies and gentlemen (staring at Palmer eating lard) well, most gentlemen, feast your eyes on the wondrous man eating beast!"
RedXIII walks out on stage, wearing a huge main, with claws and large teeth (fake of course)
Reno: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Man, I always though Yuffie was a ditz, but MAN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
Yuffie: "Only I, the tamer can uhh...tame him."
RedXIII: "........................................................."
Yuffie: "Now, JUMP! (Yuffie held out a ring and set it on fire)"
RedXIII made no move.
Yuffie: "Hey! HEY!!!"
RedXIII: "what a disgrace. If my father had lived through the Gi Cave, he would die right now. I will not let you disgrace my race (whatever that may be)!"
RedXIII pounced out of his suit and rammed Yuffie to the floor, or so he tried. Yuffie being the ninja that she was, managed to slip away. She then climbed up the curtain to the high boxes to avoid RedXIII, but to no avail. RedXIII, as leaped up to the high box, trapping Yuffie.
RedXIII: "Well, you did say to jump."
Yuffie: "(gulp) yipe"
For about 10 minutes, incessant rambling went on above, until Yuffie emerged, unharmed.
Reno: "HOW DID YOU GET AWAY FROM THAT THRASHING!!"
Yuffie: "Uh, I dodged."
Cloud: "Where's Red?"
Yuffie: "Well, (innocently) I kinda hit him with Knights of the Round. He'll be fine thoughI did use a Full CureI DID!"
RedXIII: "man o manthat smarts. I think I might've lost a few I.Q. points back there."
Cid: "Oh, so now you're only at 200(to himself, 'smartass')"
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Announcer: "What a disaster. Broadway's RENT was better than this! Oh ya, last act from Table 1! (please make it good, PLEASE!!)"
Barret: "We'll need a minute. Can you put the next act on before us."
Announcer: "Ya sure. Everyone, please welcome Rufus Shinra and Scarlet's Horror Show!"
Aeris: "And I just wanted a night out with friends, I didn't want to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show."
Scarlet; "Watch your mouth! I'll have you know that I have a lot of guys looking at me right now, look at Heidegger over there."
Tifa: "(gagging) Whoopee!!"
Rufus: "And know, for the moment you've all been waiting for, the scary part, as if Scarlet alone wasn't scary enough (everyone in audience nods), let's see her strip (runs out of club)"
Cloud, Vincent, RedXIII, Reeve and everyone else in the club: "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Cloud: "(covering his eyes) We got to do something."
Sephiroth: "I know what to do...MuaaHAHAHAHAHA!!"
Sephiroth starts to control Cloud, and is leading him straight to Scarlet.
Scarlet: "Well, looks like we got a winner here. (taking of her shirt, not bra, in case anyone gets offended) Let's show you how a real woman can treat you."
Cloud: "NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! SEPHIROTH!! THIS IS THE WORST PUNISHMENT EVER!!!NNNNNOOOOO!!!!!!AHH!!"
Tifa: "Get your hands off of him! (decks Scarlet)"
Cloud: "(I take back what I thought earlier about looking at Scarlet (shivers) uuuuuhhh!!) Thanks Tief!"
Tifa smiles and turns red.
Sephiroth: "Drat! My plans foiled again! Oh wellhey Aerisyou doing anything after this..."
Aeris: Drop dead, LITERALY!"
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Announcer: "This is worst than the director's cut of the movie Glitter. Man, and now, the last act of Table 1!"
Barret: "Everyone ready!"
Barret's group: "Do we have to do this?"
Barret: "YES! Now, let's go!!"
Just then, Barret, Cid, Zack, Reeve, Reno, Rude, and Tseng entered the stageas the Village People! Reno was the Cop (oh the irony), Tseng was the Construction Worker, Cid was the Cowboy, Rude was the Biker, Reeve was the Indian, and Barret was the GI. (Barret is on the stage in his sailor costume because I thought it would be funnier, like in the game) The entire audience cracked up as they all sang Y.M.C.A..
Reno: "(drunk) Y.N.E.(hiccup)H.what were we singing?"
Barret: "Fool! You're ruining it!"
Rude: "What's new"
Tseng: "I feel ridiculous!"
Reeve: "Hey Tseng, Elena is looking at you." Elena is on the floor, laughing hysterically.
Tseng: "Ya, well at least I don't got a dead girl looking up my toga!"
Reeve: "WhaAERIS!!"
Aeris: "(innocently)What??"
Tseng: "HAHAHA!"
Cid: "Will you two shut the $#&* up and $&^@%*# sing!!"
Reeve: "Yip!"
Reno: " Hey, there(hiccup)you don't need to feel down(commences to puke it)"
Most of the audience stops laughing, sees the mess (and stench) Reno made, and leaves, all except AVALANCHE, and a few other people, who are still cracking up."
Cid: "Damn"
Barret: "NO! My act!"
Yuffie: "This was HAHAHAbetter thanHAHAHAHA myHAHAHAact! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
Tifa: "Ya Barret, she's right for onceHAHAHAHAHA!!"
Everyone continues to laugh, all except the performers and Red, who didn't move a muscle since Barret stepped foot on stage.
Cloud: "Red? What's...HAHAwrong? HAHAHA!"
RedXIII: "I don't get it"
Silence, and the curtain is drawn.
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NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
Announcer: "Now then, you have heard the tale that I have told. The perils of having no sense of humor. The dead walking, is this a sign from another world. No, it isn't. It is the few, trapped forever in The Twilight Zone. NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NAAAAAAAA!!
Author's Note: That was my first FFVII fan-fic or comedy I ever did, so don't get too bummed if it sucks. I'm working on a long story that should be good. I have one chapter ready, but I won't release it until everything is doe, so be patient. Anyway, I hope this story kept you entertainedfor now.