Well here we are at the great and famous gold saucer battle arena where a tremendous battle will take place today. Today there will be a battle for the championship of Final Fantasy 7 and ten million dollars prize money. The main crew of ff7 will be competing in this amazing tournament. And now here joining me in the commentary box weighing at approximately 100 hundred pounds and standing in at a medium 5 foot the one the only MICHAEL woo woo woo.
Mick: well im glad to be here matt and today is a great day for democracy we will finally find out who is the king of ff7.
Matt: well im not sure about you but my pick for today would have to be the amazing ex-soldier sephiroth I mean he had enough power to summon meteor he has to have a good chance of winning this fight.
Mick: Well im not so sure about that Matt I mean after all Cloud did beat him oh well no more time for talking here comes the first competitor.
Matt: and here comes Tifa walking out to her favourite song from the Dixie Chiks.
Mick: wow she does look good today doesn’t she it looks like she’s in great shape.
Matt: Mick stop perving you’re here to commentate a battle well anyways here comes her opponent who if I might say is a little on the chubby side the amazing HEIDEGGER.
Mick: Man he is fat I think he’s even fatter than palmer now.
Matt: well the bell has rung and the battle has begun let’s get ready to rumble.
Mick: Oh my god it looks like Tifa is flirting with the fat oaf oh my god what can she possibly see in him.
Matt: I don’t know but she seems to have Heidegger in a daze.
Mick: she’s walking up to him very slowly oh no way it looks like she’s gonna kiss him I can’t watch.
Matt: she’s right in front of him now and he she goes.
Mick: ladadadadada I can’t hear you im not watching and I ain’t listening.
Matt: wait a sec oh my goodness she just punched him in the face and knocked him out hurrah Tifa has won the first battle of the tournament.
Mick: ladada what Tifa won I knew she didn’t like him thank the lord yay.
Matt: well that was a, different sort of battle but Tifa won all the same.
Mick: Yay woohoo yay woohoo hurrah yes she doesn’t like Heidegger.
Matt: Well no time for celebration here comes the next competitor.
Mick: here comes the ex-soldier Zack who was presumed dead but was found not long before the tournament started.
Matt: Zack is very much a wild card entry but he stands a good chance of winning this comp but Sephy is gonna kick his scrawny little ass.
Mick: Who cares what you think matt here comes the second competitor the disgusting the evil the cruel SEPHIROTH boooooooooooooooooo hisssssssssssssss.
Matt: go Sephy go Sephy you da man woo woo woo.
Mick: GO ZACK KICK HIS FREAKY ASS.
Matt: Well the battle has begun and it looks like Zack is powering up for a magic attack (yeah as if any magic can hurt Sephy heh heh heh)
Mick: Wait Zack used fire 3 and Sephiroth’s hair is on fire hahaha look at Sephy run around like a little girl hahahahaha.
Matt: Wait he casted fire 3 again and burnt more of his hair he casted it again and again and again and again oh no.
Mick: Hahahahahahahahahhahaahhaha oh my god this is the funniest thing I have ever seen.
Matt: Yes Sephy finally got the fire out wait no my god he’s bald I don’t believe he lost his silver hair.
Mick: Hahaha he’s crying hahaha he gave up hahahahaha damn looks like your favourite got beaten in the first round haha Sephiroth YOU SUCK.
Matt: nooooo I bet over a thousand gil on you, you stupid bald fruitcake.
Mick: yes and Zack goes through to the next round.
Matt: sniff sniff well here comes the next competitor.
Mick: the two badmouth tough guys Barrett and Cid.
Matt: im over my loss now and im going to continue commentating these matches.
Mick: good for you I was worried we’d have to send you to the loony bin.
Matt: I’m pretending I didn’t hear that well this battle is about to get under way.
Mick: Barrett readied his gun and Cid readied his spear.
Matt: Barrett fired the gun and oh my god he knocked away Cid’s cigarette Cid is gonna be pissed.
Mick: *gasp* not the cigarette anything but the cigarette.
Matt: wait Cid ran away wait Mick can you hear that it sounds it sounds like the highwind music.
Mick: da na na na na na na na na naaa na na
Matt: wait a sec it is the highwind I can’t believe this, Cid has come back with the highwind.
Mick: Barrett’s gonna die.
Matt: Wait this isn’t fair Cid fired missiles and just blew the hell out of Barrett and well uh it looks like Cid one ahhh I think.
Mick: that was cool do it again do it again please.
Matt: shut up Mick the next bout is beginning in a few seconds.
A few seconds later Mick: And here comes Vincent the vampire.
Matt: Mick how many times do I have to tell you this he isn’t a dagnamn Vampire.
Mick: ok ok.
Matt: and here comes Hojo the mad professor who tortured Vincent and performed wicked experiments on him.
Mick: wow look at Vincents gun it’s cool I want one.
Matt: whoa Vincent just shot Hojo straight away hold on haha that was a tranqulizer dart.
Mick: hey whats Vincent doing he’s pulling in a TV cool I was getting bored.
Matt: wait he’s tying Hojo to an armchair.
10 minutes later.
Mick: I don’t believe this Vincent has put a machine to hold Hojo’s eyes open and he’s playing the old batman movie oh the humanity!!
Matt: I know Vincent doesn’t have feelings for anyone but this is not right no one should be forced to see this.
24 hours later
Mick: I CAN’T TAKE IT IF I SEE ONE MORE KaBlAaM I THINK I WILL DIE.
Matt: Go get him batman no look out you can do it wham yea batman da man.
Mick: my god they have turned you Matt I can’t believe it.
Matt: wait whats this Hojo gave up damn they were just halfway through the movie for the 30th time I wanted to see Batman punch out penguin again oh well I’ll just have to wait until I get home.
Mick: thank the lord here comes the next fighter it’s the cat on a mog Cait Sith.
Matt: and here comes the equally amazing Rude of the Turks.
Mick: Rude has just charged forward and yoinked Cait’s megaphone now he can’t control the moogle.
Matt: He is now controlling the moogle and it just threw Cait off.
Mick: Wait no the mog is about to oh no he just did the mog just body slammed Cait oh no the battle is over Rude is the victor.
Matt: That had to be the quickest match yet that was really short like you Michael oh well.
Mick: hey I ain’t short oh well I’ll be right back I just need to go to the toilet.
Matt: ok I’ll get Sephy to fill in for ya. Hey Sephy get your bloody bald ass over here.
Sephy: ya what ya want.
Matt: Your fillin in for Mick now sit the hell down.
Sephy: Oh ok no need to get angry.
Matt: don’t make me hurt you Sephiroth.
Sephy: ok I’ll be good.
Matt: great and here comes the next compet
Mick: Ahhh arrrg ouch oo aaaahhhhhhhhh oooohhhhhhhhhhhh ouch goddammit aaaarrrrggggg.
Matt: ok I’ll just close the door.
Sephy: and here comes the next victim uuhh I mean star.
Matt: yes here he comes Sephy the man that whooped your ass the main character of ff7 CLOUD STRIFE.
Sephy: I’LL KILL HIM.
Matt: you will not now sit your ass down.
Sephy: ok im sorry.
Matt: and here comes the side character Yuffie the ninja.
Sephy: Go Yuffie kick that weaklings ass.
Matt: right, well let the battle begin.
Sephy: hey it looks like Yuffie is trash talking to Cloud it sounds like she’s saying she’s gonna whoop his ass as payback for when he beat her in the forest.
Matt: yea yea just start the battle.
Sephy: whoa amazing Yuffie just threw her shuriken and Cloud just dodged it.
Matt: Cloud is laughing and trash talking and he doesn’t realise that the shuriken is coming from behind.
Sephy: hah the blunt bit just hit him the back of the head and knocked him out ahahaha yes Yuffie won hahahahaaha.
Matt: Well what an unexpected win I mean I knew cloud was dumb but that dumb man he’s stupid.
Sephy: yes yes yes Cloud you suck haha.
Matt: at least he isn’t bald.
Sephy: sniff that hurts man.
Matt: oh well here comes the next battler.
Sephy: it’s the attractive blonde bimbo Turk Elena.
Matt: and the desperate disgusting Scarlet.
Sephy: Whoa Scarlet just slapped Elena senseless.
Matt: wait Elena just came back with a slap of her own oh yeah this could be a catfight.
Sephy: Wait Elena just jumped back and threw a grenade at Scarlet and blew her to smitherines. Oh well I guess Elena isn’t made for slapping.
Matt: nooooo I wanted to see a catfight.
Sephy: Hey I think that is now the quickest fight we’ve had yet.
Matt: damn you Elena why couldn’t you just keep slapping her I wanted a dagnamn catfight.
Sephy: Matt you are pathetic.
Matt: Hey at least I’m not bald.
Sephy: sniff man why do you have to keep bringing that up.
Matt: shut up Sephiroth here’s the nex.
Mick: ahhhhhhhhhhh ooooo arrrrrggggggg ouch oooo aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh aaaaargggggggggggggggg ouch.
Matt: oh dammit who opened the door again oh It’s you Cait how are ya.
Cait: I’m a little flattened but otherwise im okay.
Sephy: no kidding that mog jumped on you like he was mad at the world.
Cait: Well at least at least I’m not bald.
Sephy: sniff oh man not you too that really hurts ya know I worked hard for a long time to grow that hair.
Matt & Cait: SHUT UP BALDY!!
Matt: anyways here comes the next warrior.
Cait: it’s the famous guardian of Cosmo canyon the son of Seto Red XIII or Nanaki.
Sephy: I (sob) think I have recovered from your bullying (sob).
Matt: ok ok just call the match.
Sephy: all right already here comes wait it’s Tseng the leader of the Turks but I frigen killed him.
Cait: hahahha you couldn’t even kill Tseng.
Matt: shut up Cait or he’ll have another cry just leave him alone for about ten minutes then pick on him as much as you want, trust me.
Cait: ok anyways here comes Tseng.
Matt: Tseng Just pulled his gun out but Red is already in front of him about to bite him.
Sephy: Wait Tseng just shot him down the throat.
Red XIII/ Nanaki: I believe the collision of my body and the stone floor is imminent.
Sephy: what a nerd.
Matt: at least he’s not bald.
Sephy: sniff (sob) awww not again.
Cait: well it looks like Tseng won this round.
Matt: Wait what’s this I’ve just been informed that there will be one more match in round one the winner of which will get a by straight to the third round.
Sephy: who are the competitors?
Matt: see for yourself.
Cait: wait is that the life stream oh my is that it can’t be is that Aeris.
Sephy: hey I killed her to this is weird.
Matt: hey Aeris doesn’t look the same hey she is wearing a mini skirt and a badass leather jacket what could this mean.
Cait: Wow she is hot woowee.
Matt: I dunno but she looks like she means business.
Sephiroth: Hey it’s Reno I want an electric nightstick.
Matt: Shut up Sephy hey Aeris just hit Reno in the leg and he fell flat on his face.
Cait: Wait a sec no you don’t think.
Sephy: haha she just shoved her rod up Reno’s ass.
Matt: I think im gonna puke.
Cait: me too.
Sephy: hahahah Aeris won haha that was hilarious.
Matt: shut up baldy lets just go to the next match to take my mind off things.
Cait: the next two warriors are Tifa and Zack.
Matt: these two go way back and we all know that Zack is attracted to Tifa.
Cait: that’s true and will it affect Zack’s performance.
Sephy: she’s walking up to shake hands and wham she just punched him hard in the stomach and she stole his buster sword.
Cait: Tifa just decapitated Zack man she can fight dirty.
Matt: yeah well she made it to the third round so she’s doing heaps better than both of you.
Cait: yeah I spose well I didn’t really need the money from this tournament anyway I just got signed for a movie contract The puppet master about a shinra executive who was split between two sides.
Matt: great I’ll be there to watch it.
Sephy: sounds gay.
Cait & Matt: SHUT UP BALDY!
Sephy: (sob) awwwww man not (sob) again sniff (sob).
Matt: the next challenger is Cid and he will be fighting the ex-Turk Vincent.
Cait: wow this should be interesting.
Matt: hey no wait Vincent just gave the highwind a flat tyre and Cid is crying on the floor.
Cait: Cid gave up and that’s the quickest match yet.
Sephy: that was really short.
Matt: yeah well let’s begin the third battle of round 2.
Cait: Here comes oh I hate you it’s Rude.
Sephy: And the ninja Yuffie.
Matt: Hey hey Yuffie just threw one of her knives into Rude’s gun and clogged it up but Rude hasn’t noticed yet.
Cait: Rude just fired and blew himself up hahahahaha yay cool woohoo.
Sephy: I would never have thought that Yuffie would make it past the first round oh well she’s beaten two good fighters.
Matt: Well it’s time for the last battle of the second round.
Cait: Hey it’s Elena and Tseng.
Sephy: this should be fun to watch.
Cait: Elena just threw a grenade in Tseng’s mouth.
Sephy: haha he swallowed it and she forgot to pull the pin.
Matt: wait Elena is pulling a little cord and something just came out of Tseng’s mouth it’s a pin off a grenade.
Cait: wow Tseng just blew inside out.
Sephy: yay he’s dead.
Matt: Well this is amazing here we are in the third round now we are so close to finding out who will be the ff7 champion.
Cait: The first match up of the third round is Tifa against Vincent.
Sephy: Vincent is already shooting like crazy.
Matt: whoa Tifa is running along the wall and she just jumped high in the air in front of Vincent. Hey she’s frozen.
Cait: she just stopped floating and kicked Vincent in the head and knocked him out.
Matt: wow amazing matrix style by Tifa and she is now in the final in the final.
Sephy: Who cares here comes the next three competitors thanks to the last match of the first round Aeris makes this a triple threat.
Matt: Wow Yuffie, Elena and Aeris catfight catfight catfight.
Cait: Wow Elena and Yuffie are straight into it and it’s a catfight.
Sephy: who cares, what is Aeris doing.
Cait: she’s just sitting there.
Matt: who cares it’s a catfight woohoo.
20 minutes later.
Cait: wow what a long fight the two girls are exhausted and Aeris is still full strength.
Sephy: hey Aeris just went up and knocked both Yuffie and Elena out with her stick.
Matt: noooooo the catfight is over.
Cait: wow Aeris is in the final what a fight this is going to be Aeris vs. Tifa what a rivalry.
Matt: well let the match begin.
Cait: wow Tifa just ran in and tackled Aeris.
Sephy: they’re rolling around on the ground and wow Tifa just slapped Aeris.
Matt: Aeris recovered and just scratched Tifa.
Cait: wait Tifa is biting Aeris that’s gotta hurt.
Matt: The crowd is chanting catfight catfight and im with them this is the best fight yet.
Cait: hey Aeris is pulling Tifa’s hair.
Sephy: hey what’s that thing that just flew in next to Tifa?
Matt: Hey is that a.
Cait: it is.
Sephy: cool Aeris and Tifa just blew up that was a grenade.
Matt: but who threw it.
Cait: is that Elena hey here comes Cloud.
Sephy: he’s gonna be pretty pissed his two girls are gone.
Matt: hold on he just kissed Elena you don’t think he is in love with Elena.
Cait: hey they’re walking off together holding hands.
Sephy: well that tournament was totally jipped I’m outta here.
Cait: me to that was gay.
Matt: I’m all alone.
Mick: I’m back what did I miss.
Matt: what took you so long.
Mick: nothing.
Matt: tell me.
Mick: no
Matt: yes
Mick: nope
Matt: yep
Mick: no way
Matt: yes way
Mick ALL RIGHT I’LL TELL YOU I WAS MAJORLY CONSTIPATED.
Matt: man I didn’t want to know.

THE END

Authors notes: Hey all that was my sad attempt of writing a humour fic and I hope it turned out ok. And the lesson to learn from all this is uuhhh ummmmm don’t do drugs yeah that’s right don’t do drugs well cya.
Oh and if you have any cool ideas for arena to which is already in production. Email me at playa4u_90@hotmail.com

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