[OPEN ON that beloved kitchen. The song "Mellow Yellow" is cued up as one of our great hosts rushes out, RINGO STARR!]
RING: 'Ello, ladies an' gentlemen! I'm Ringo Starr, better known to you as Ring [winks], and may I now present to you the man who loves the electrical banana… KEITH MOON!
[AUDIENCE SCREAMS ENTHUSIASTICALLY]
RING: Y'know wot t'day's show is, kiddies?
[the FRIEND walks onstage]
FRIEND: Hiya, I'm a great fan of the show!
[RICHARD HARRIS walks onstage]
RICHARD: CAMELOT!
[ENTER PETE and JOHN, carrying a melted mass of EX-CAKE]
JOHN: It was, uh… left out in the rain.
[RICHARD breaks down and jams his face into the cake]
KEITH: 'E's jus' scarin' me, now…
[EVERYONE, including the entire AUDIENCE, joins KEITH in a maddening CONGA LINE]
RING: [gets huge bowl] Toss your bananas in 'ere!
[EVERYONE does so]
KEITH: An' one an' two an' cha-cha-cha! [throws flour in bowl] 'Ey, 'oo's by th' fridge? Tammy? Be a dear gahl an' dump th' milk in, wouldja? Bless!
[eventually all the ingredients are in the bowl]
RING: Bake it at 750° for two minutes!
[puts it in the oven. It EXPLODES]
ALL: WOO! [dance in exploded cake]
KEITH: [rushes out] 'Ello again, dear boys an' gahls!
KEITH: 'S all about CAKES! Now, where are our 'elpah gahls?
SPEV: Right here, Keith!
SPEM: The headsharers have arrived!
RING: Awright!
SPEM: Wait!
KEITH, RING, & SPEV: Wot?
SPEM: I've brought a friend!
KEITH: OOOH! C'mout, mystery friend!
RING: All the bettah! Wot's yah name?
FRIEND: I'm Tammy, and I write novels!
KEITH: Groovy! Now, Spem, Spev, an' Tammy, are ya ready for our guest cook for the show?
SPEV: Yeah, yeah-yeah!
RING: We're pleased to present... RICHARD HARRIS!
SPEM: Wrong thing, dude.
RICHARD: …oh.
KEITH: Wot're yah makin' t'day?
RICHARD: A beautiful, rich cake, with sweet green frosting! It's outside.
RING: Bring it in, Pait an' Jun!
RICHARD: Someone left my cake out in the rain, and I don't think that I can take it!
TAMMY: Make a new one!
RICHARD: But it took so long to bake it! And I'll never have that recipe again! OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
SPEV: It probably still tastes good…
RICHARD: [sobbing] All that sweet green frosting flowing down… melting in the dark…
SPEM: It's light in here!
TAMMY: I believe it's an expression, Spem.
SPEM: …oh.
SPEV: [sticks her finger in the frosting & eats it] Eh, a little watery…
RING: Rog? Take care o' this guy.
ROGER: You be comin' wit' me, SUCKA!
SPEM: Where'd you learn that??
ROGER: Mistah T. [hauls RICHARD and EX-CAKE out]
SPEV: Well, Keith and Ring, any other cakes made?
KEITH: Uh… sure! Ringo?
RING: We could always make marble cake!
KEITH: Wif real marbles!
TAMMY: Ooh, will someone choke on one so I can write about it in glorious, gory detail?
SPEM: Er… how about you guys DON'T make that?
RING: Olright; banana cake, then?
KEITH: Yeah! [laughs maniacally and tosses bananas at everyone around] Ay! Ay! Ay!
PETE: Not the banana lady again… [shakes his head]
KEITH: Conga line, ev'rybody! We're gonna make th' cake, an' 'ave a bloody good time doin' it!
KEITH: Tha's oll for t'day, but…
RING: See you next time on…
KEITH, RING, SPEV, SPEM, TAMMY, PETE, ROGER, & JOHN: Cooking With Keith & Ring!