Spottedmankee

Written by Matt Mayer from eighth grade to ninth grade

The great land of MoBob was in dire need of cleaning. Ever since the Baconian Revolution, the towns and valleys have been filled with grease. This was a great problem, and the citizens were becoming agitated. The greasiness of the land also greatly reduced the land value.

One fine day, the Lardy Custodians of San Helmonkee arrived in MoBob. They were laden with mops, soaps, squeegees, and rags. They were people who travel the land and get jobs cleaning up other people's messes. There was one among them, however, who didn't think it was his job to clean up. He went by the name of Langfart.

"I won’t clean up for you on my time," he would say, "you can't go to recess for five minutes!"

When the Custodians reached MoBob, King Ira immediately put them to work. Langfart was placed as officer of cleanup in the local middle school. Royal servants Wanhollydoo and Poojannalab, the Darryl sisters, were fed up with Langfart's stinky attitude. They were constantly pleading with King Ira to replace him.

"Sir, Langfart is always keeping us late from recess! We are missing out on valuable basketball time!"

"Yes, and he turns the lights on and off all of the time! My pupils are exhausted!"

King Ira knew it was time to take action against Langfart. He sent out a Royal Crusade to banish the evil janitor and retake the Recess Land.

Lord Mattzilla of Mankeeville was also planning a strike. He was going to conquer MoBob, Ira’s colossal domain. His only obstacle was the royal army of Point-Guards, the militia force of MoBob.

As Lord Mattzilla was wandering around his kingdom, he stumbled into a slippery, slimy forest. There were dark tunnels into the ground all over the place. Mattzilla wandered down the largest one and found the enchanted horde of mystical Neeglepongniaks, slumbering gaily with pleasurement.

The Neeglepongniaks were a very strange breed of creature. They had furry, round, little bodies, covered in purple fur. With their little bald feet, they hardly traveled at all, since they were so sensitive. Their most distinguishing feature was their long, pointy noses. They used them to spear rats, and their long, bony tongues licked them off. These creatures instilled fear into whoever smelled them.

The Neeglepongniak leader, Kwiet Steveneener, squanked at the sight of Lord Mattzilla. His royal troopers huddled around the newcomer, licking their snouts gleefully.

"Your troops do not frighten me!" the bold Mattzilla exclaimed, "Call them off me at once!"

"Wee mean no harm, Lord. I am sorry for their behavior!" the terrified Kwiet Steveneener cried fearfully.

The Neeglepongniaks were very timid in appearance, but they became ferocious warriors at the smell of any type of grease. Mattzilla was very familiar with the ways of the Neeglepongniaks, since he majored in cave-dwelling half-breed biology.

"These creatures could be quite useful in attacking MoBob," he thought to himself, "once they smell the grease, they'll attack the MoBobians and clean up the mess."

"Wee will dew anything to repay yew for our offenses! Your wish is our command!"

"Well, I could use you in my conquest against MoBob. I promise you wealth and good life if you help me."

"It sounds too good to bee true! I will prepare our forces and have them ready by tomorrow!"

The Neeglepongniaks scurried down into their caves chanting, "Dibbleeboplertyiousish! Dibbleeboplertyiousish!"

"My brilliant idea will beat the mankees out of my old friend Ira!" Mattzilla screeched relentlessly.

King Ira was in great desperation. The custodians were getting terribly out of hand, and Ira was unable to strike. His new Nike shoes, the "Super Max $1,000s", have been delayed in shipping, and he needs them to command his army of point-guards. It appears his mother forgot to pay shipping, so he ordered her exiled into the land of burning home-ec. rooms.

With this delay, Ira was powerless! The custodians continued to grow in strength and the MoBobians were exasperated.

"You’re so dumb!" the Darryl sisters yelled at Ira, "Your 99.8% in algebra has forced you to become idiotically impaired! We’re leaving!"

With that, the Darryl sisters left MoBob in seek of a higher standard refuge.

Along their way, they came upon an enchanted carriage decorated with items from around the world. The door opened, and out stepped a sorceress of extravagant powers.

"Roxxablamma! Our long-lost Darryl sister! Where have you been all these years? It is great to be reunited!"

"When I heard about Ira’s math grade, I left and came to the land of +100%, known to all as Mankeeville. I hated to leave you foolish children in MoBob, but you must be an expert mathematician to live in Mankeeville. If you wish, you may join the legacy of arithmetic infinite. You must work hard, keep your grades over 100%, and pay attention to the whimsical forces of the Tobin-arrows, Tobin-Tiles, and other such methods of the algebraic master."

"Yes! Yes! We agree! Take us to the empire of Lord Mattzilla!" Wanhollydoo and Poojannalab shouted ecstatically.

They boarded the carriage and embarked for the land of mathematical enlightenment, Mankeeville.

Lord Mattzilla was preparing for his relentless strike against MoBob. He readied his royal regiments and called the Neeglepongniak warriors to arms. Their combined forces were mightily powerful. To test his omnipotence, he ordered his mercenaries to raid a village of brown Russian rats and to eat them. Without hesitation, his troops abided by his every command. This was indeed an amazing group of loyalists.

Just then, a mystical carriage arrived, and out stepped Roxxablamma with her two Darryl sisters, Wanhollydoo and Poojannalab.

"These unfortunate souls would like to become denizens of the empire of Mankeeville," said Roxxablamma, "Are they welcome to join in your royal domain?"

"Only if ye be ladies of valor and resourcefulness in the field of algebra," Mattzilla acknowledged.

"Yes! Yes! Oh, Lord Mattzilla, we will try as hard as humanly possible to meet your exalted standards!"

"Then you are welcome to live in Mankeeville. Now leave me, for I am planning a massive strike on MoBob, those silly do-gooders who think their expensive shoes are better than arithmetic proficiency!"

At that very moment, King Ira of MoBob was devising his own plan while getting his basketball shoes shined by the royal shoescrub, Chowder.

"Chowder, you are a fool!" Ira said abruptly, "I will have you exiled if you hurt my shoes any more!"

"So very sorry, my high chieftain! I must say that is an honor to be your royal shoescrub and to be able to touch these valuable specimens! I will try not to mess up again…"

"Shut up! I have been thinking, and I’ve got a noble plan! We will set out and conquer Mankeeville, unlocking the ancient secrets of algebra. With our new knowledge, we will return to MoBob and destroy the custodians!"

"Brilliant plan, oh Righteous One!"

"We shall set out tomorrow. With my new shoes that are expensive and packed with outstanding features, I will lead my unstoppable army of point-guards to defeat Mattzilla and gain infinite algebraic knowledge! Ha, ha, ha!"

Mattzilla’s army was prepared to strike. He wanted to have the element of surprise on his side, so they set out immediately. There were thousands of members of Mattzilla’s army, and they were all perfectly skilled mathematicians. With the Neeglepongniaks on his side, his militia was nearly invincible, and the ground thundered with each of their marching steps as they set out to conquer MoBob.

The Mankeeville mathematicians proceeded incessantly across varying terrain; they hiked over mountains, through rivers, and under dirty swamps of slimy half-breed matter.

Ira’s army of point-guards had assembled and put on their battle shoes. Ira had spent his kingdom’s complete finances on those shoes, so he was confident that he would win the battle and take over Mankeeville.

The MoBobian army of point-guards flew across the land in their new shoes. They were lightweight, very maneuverable, and they increased their verticals by eleven feet! Ira was quite proud of his investment, even if it did bankrupt his kingdom.

A secret organization of the purest worldly creatures was gathering at their secret location in the Muggulah Forest. These astonishing quadrupeds were known as mankees, and their evolutional patterns had made them the most advanced organisms ever.

"Fetch me some more gold nuggets from DkMonalds," their most illustrious leader, the Spottedmankee, beckoned to his servants, "I need them to keep my royal spotted hide nice and shiny."

"The lives of us mankees is so good, Spottedmankee!" said his servant Jame Shad, "You are the greatest leader in the universe, even if your quotes are a little strange."

"My quotes are the most divine verbal encumbrances any living thing has heard! I have one to say right now! Everyone be quiet and hear this illustrious envision:

"Whittling acorns bring exasperated remorse."

Applause came from across his kingdom. His quotes were astonishing, and everyone respected them.

That was the evening of their perennial bloodlust expedition, named The Fragglerock after the ancient mankee who brought them freedom by eating all of their enemies. During The Fragglerock, every mankee in the Muggulah Forest starves himself all day and, at sunset, sprints through the forest killing and eating all.

The sunset was a dark, bloody red, and the clouds looked like intestines. Mankees all over the Muggulah Forest were salivating on the ground and anticipating the evening pursuit. It was a perfect night for The Fragglerock, and none of their victims anticipated the death that was approaching.

The frightful mankees soared through the forest, leaving behind a bloody trail. They approached a beautiful protoplasmic pond, surrounded by beautiful vegetation. There they waited for a while, since that is where Half-Breed Thunks, the largest, tastiest animals in the forest, stopped to eat and bathe each evening.

"I’m getting hungry. Kwiet Steveneener, have your Neeglepongniaks scout ahead for food." Mattzilla pronounced.

"Yes, sire!" replied the Neeglepongniak leader.

When the army caught up with the Neeglepongniaks, they found a slaughtered herd of large creatures.

"We found some Half-Breed Thunks heading down the path, so we killed them. They look mightily tasty!"

The Thunks fed the armies well, and they continued along the path in the dark, stumbling along blindly, until reaching an exotic pond.

Ira led his point-guards towards their destination. Their shoe quality was superb, but they were beginning to become tired. It seems that breakfasts of doughnuts, no lunches, and dinners of French fries have made a dramatic effect on Ira and his troops. They continued to plod along, half asleep and unaware of their surroundings. None of them noticed as they marched up to a mysterious pond.

The Mankeeville army and the Neeglepongniaks approached a wonderful smelling pond, but it was unnoticed in their unconscious state. As they were walking, they slammed into a wall of creatures heading the other direction.

The army of point-guards was baffled. What did they just run into? With noses broken, they became startled and awake in the humid evening air.

A colossal hoard of furry, agile animals beleaguered both armies with astonishing force. Before they could regain their composure, they were netted and caged, and watched as the creatures devoured the Neeglepongniaks and their leader Kwiet Steveneener.

It was a horrible sight. The Neeglepongniaks were no match for the hungry beasts.

Mattzilla had been knocked unconscious during the scuffle, and was just then being awakened by Munseth, his royal captain of the arms.

"Sir, we have been attacked and captured by a race of furry intelligent animals! The probability for this happening is less than one in five hundred thousand, eight hundred seventy-nine! Can you explain algebraically why this has happened?"

"Nope."

Across the camp, Mattzilla spotted his rival, Ira, in a cage just like the one he was in. Both of them were wondering were they were and how they got there.

Their questions were answered with the arrival of the creatures’ leader. He was an enormous, strong beast with large scary eyes, sharp teeth, and golden spots on his coat of brown fur. Blood dripped from his mouth as he entered the camp, and he let out a huge burp.

Applause burst out among the creatures. They worshipped this large animal and his belching capacity.

"Welcome to my kingdom, feeble humans!" the creature spoke, "I am the Spottedmankee, ruler of Muggulah Forest. My ancestry has made me the best, most perfect living thing on earth. I reign eternal in this petty world of fatuous freeloaders. I am here to eat all that enter my path."

"Please, your greatness, have mercy upon me and my men!" Ira begged, "Our shoes are very expensive, and the Nike goddess will come and destroy you if you harm the shoes!"

"You are a coward, Ira." Mattzilla reprimanded, "All you worry about is your shoes. Your men will die under the leadership of a pansy!"

"Quiet, both of you!" Spottedmankee bellowed, "I will give you a chance to live, if you are strong enough. I am always hungry, however, so I will eat all of each of your armies and one of you. There will be only one survivor."

Mattzilla, knowing that he was the superior leader, remained calm and brave in the situation. Ira had peed his pants seven times since the Spottedmankee arrived and was now crying like a baby.

"In order to determine the sole survivor," Spottedmankee continued, "you two will be placed in a ring, and you will battle to the death, making it as entertaining as you can for me."

The mankees feasted all night on the two armies as Ira and Mattzilla prepared for the next day, which was to be the day of death for one of them.

"On the left, we have the master of mathematicians, the decimal dominator, the one and only Lord Mattzilla, representing his delicious army from Mankeeville!

"On the right, weighing in at 11.3 oz., the new Nike Super Max $1,000s, and wearing them, King Ira of MoBob"

Mattzilla was poised and ready to fight, his blood racing through him like liquid crystals in a calculator.

Ira had fainted and was still peeing his pants. The officials slapped him on the face and forced him up.

"Gentlemen, there are only a few rules for this match. First, the first one to kill the other person is the champion, and the one who is killed finishes second place. No crying, peeing, or any such behaviors that have been demonstrated by Ira."

Ira was now convulsing, but no one cared, since he was soon to be dead, anyway.

"Ding, ding, ding!" rang the fight bell.

Mattzilla charged at Ira, fists clenched and ready to pound. Still crying, Ira flew backward six meters as his face was hammered by the stone-like appendages.

Ira was dead, and the crowd of mankees erupted in boos. The short fight had deeply maddened the audience, who was there to see a show of great violence.

"Spottedmankee," Mattzilla shouted as he approached him, "I have defeated my opponent, and you must now set me free!"

"Yes, you have beaten him, and I will set you free. But first, I must tell you something of great importance. You see, you and I have a lot in common. We’re both fierce warriors and not afraid of anything. These similarities are more than a coincidence, however. You and I came from the same mother, making us brothers."

Mattzilla was speechless, so Spottedmankee proceeded.

"Before we were born, our mother Manki, and father Mankee, ruled the whole continent. When they died in a harsh war, the land known as MoBob was captured by rapacious Nike corporate enterprises. The remaining land became divided between us, me ruling the beautiful Muggulah Forest, and you receiving Mankeeville, named after father. At the great elevation of your city, all your hair and auxiliary muscle vanished. Your warrior blood remained strong, however, and that is how you created such an impressive empire. I have missed you, little brother!"

The two embraced in a brotherly bond, excreting tears and sobbing relentlessly.

"Then why, if you knew all this, did you kill my army?" Mattzilla questioned.

"We were hungry, and when a mankee is hungry, nothing else matters but satisfying our cravings. Come to think of it, I’m a little hungry right now…"

Spottedmankee crushed Mattzilla’s skull with his fists and swallowed him whole. The huge beast licked his lips, belched, and walked home.

(Yes, this is the end)