Title: Into The Light
Author: Aurora Aelia
Rating: G or PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything in the Gladiator universe. No characters or set pieces. Nothing. I'm not gonna make any money, so you might as well avoid suing me since I have nothing but a cat and my family.
Summary: Commodus laments over his life, both past and present.

Why can't you love me? Why do you choose to hate me? I've spent every waking moment of my life attempting to live up to every expectation that you've ever laid out. And still it's not enough. You wanted me to be brave when I was younger. So I became brave in your eyes for a time. I hid my fears as best I could. I tried not to shake too hard or cry out too loudly when I woke late at night from my frightful dreams, alone in the dark. I swallowed my fears and extinguished the rampant urge to light every lamp and candle in my chamber, lest you found out and thought me weak. You never knew of that particular fear. You didn't know because I couldn't bring myself to admit a weakness in front of you. When you made a comment about my lack of stature, I changed. I ate until I could eat no more and excercised until I collapsed. I dueled with your Praetorian Guards, came home bruised and battered, stronger with each passing day, yet you didn't care. You were to busy philosophising. I excelled at anything I put my mind to, but that didn't matter to you. I found ways to make my studies shorter, less tedious. Instead of praising me you said that I was lazy and that I cut corners, and that this would be a problem to me later in life. I have taken the initiative in everything that I do. I was an ambitious fool for the last 13 years of my life. My mind worked to win you over while ignoring what my eyes saw only too clearly. I saw then, weeks ago why you truely harbored no interest in me as a son, an heir or anything else.I have come into the light.

The Spaniard. He had stolen your heart as well as my rightful place as your son. Nothing Maximus could do was wrong. He was a hero to you and you thought that he would save Rome. Save it from what? Me? Am I that aweful? No matter what he did, he would always have your love and respect. You would always love him, not me. No never me.

I'm sorry that I killed you, I truely am. That's all I can say. If only you had loved me. I once said that I would butcher the world for your love, but you just stared at me, irritated at my sorrow, doubting my very words. Those words which I would swear were true. What I would have done if only you had loved me. You just stared. Probably thinking that I was a selfish, foolish, half-depraved child. That's all I ever was to you a foolish child. Silly Commodus, he wants to rule the world. Well, it's of no consequence now.

I apologize for my moral shortcomings. I only wanted love and respect. I would have settled for love. I would have begged you for love. But begging would have been a weakness. When I found no love forthcoming from my family, I sought it elsewhere. Sometimes I sought it in low, bad places. I know what people say about me. I have my spys. I hear what they report, I see the gazes that couldn't be averted in time. I can't change my past. I can just come into the light.

I feel like I am going insane. My head wants to split. I am torn between choices, so many choices. Let him live and I will be seen as merciful, kill him and I will be despised, yet feared, especially if I follow through with my plan. I want him dead. He took everything from me. He took my family. First he won you, then Lucilla and now, even Lucius. Now, to retain my family's respect I have stooped to threatening the life of my nephew to keep my sister under control. If only she knew that I would never hurt my dear, smart nephew. I only want the best for him. Now, my own nephew is under his spell.

Why does nobody appreciate me for who I am? Why does nobody take time to know me? I always thought that I was attractive, as vain as it is. Yet I have no heir. No all women are afraid of me. Everyone is afraid of me.

I am doing the best I can with what I was given, but none of that mattered to you. I am at wits end. All those around me seek to destroy me. I live in fear of my life. I watch my meals as they are prepared, I serve myself drinks. I don't sleep anymore. Not that I really did before. I don't know who to trust. I don't even know if there is anyone that I can trust. I've been betrayed by those closest to me. First you, the Lucilla. My own family wishes to be rid of me. She has been plotting, but that's all over now. I am merciful. She will live as long as she is careful, as will Lucius. I am merciful. Only The Spaniard will die.

I have the virtues you wrote to me with. I really do. I have been wise. We will fight to the death. I will prove my courage as I fight him. I am going to let the best man win. That is wisdom. I am doing justice by allowing him a chance to win as well as justice is being served to those who opposed the Emperor. I will fight him. That is your fortitude. I will show my courage in that battle. He is a much bigger man then me and I think that he may be stronger then me. Are fortitude and courage not very much the same thing? And temperance. I have restrained myself from killing all those who hurt me. Granted I killed you and I will kill him, but Lucilla will be safe and so will Lucius. I also have my other strong points. I have all you asked for and more, yet something is lacking. There is something that is still holding back your love, respect, and approval.

So, now I rise slowly to meet my fate. I rise amongst the slowly falling rose petals, hoping that today, I will finally make you proud. I will earn your respect and love and even though you can't tell me, I will still hear the words. I can see the sky now. It's blue, much like the blue from those long-ago days in Tuscany, where we took leave when the pressures of Rome got to you. Back before mother died. I miss those times when I had no cares or concerns in the world. I want only to make you proud. I'm sorry. I love you. Now, I must rise to meet your hopes and expectations that you held for me. I am going into the light. Forgive me father.

~end~