Saying Goodbye

(written by Sailor Internet)
 

Seeing grandmother lying on the hospital bed wrenched my heart. She was emaciated, haggard and wrinkled all over. Saliva dribbled from her mouth. Her greying hair lay limp on her pillow which looked just as old and dirty as she. Her eyes stared blankly at the ceiling. She did not notice that I was in the room. ‘Why wouldn’t she listen to me and get help?’ I wondered ‘She shouldn’t be here in Tan Tock Seng Hospital.’


My grandmother used to have twinkling eyes and a really endearing grin. Her smile would always dominate her wrinkled face, making the lines less obvious. Her sparkling eyes and her smile made her look younger than her years. Her hair was usually tied into a neat bun. She wore jewellery all the time, saying that age would not stop her from looking pretty. I felt that behind all this, she was hiding something but I never knew what it was until one day.


"She has cancer of the cervix." the doctor explained in a detached manner to my parents and relatives. They were gathered around him with quizzical faces, asking and asking. Why? How? Was there no cure? I did not stay behind to hear more. I already knew that the cause was unknown and there currently was no cure for cancer. I had escaped from the crowded waiting rooms that were filled with anxiety and despair to enter the brightly lit and sterile ward, just to be with my grandmother. The ward was clean but, it was not warm nor cosy or even comfortable. There were several beds with several patients on them. In a sense, the waiting room and the hospital ward were the same - both were crowded and filled one with negative feelings. I took another step forward. Her head turned to face me and Grandma smiled. There was still a faint glimmer in her eyes.


"Grandma," I asked "how are you feeling?" I tried to maintain eye contact with her but was unable to do so.

"Fine. Come closer," she replied and I obeyed. I pulled a chair to the bed side and sat. She asked me with saliva flowing from her face to the pillow, "When can I go back home? I don’t like hospitals." Seeing the state of her condition and hearing how she treated her illness as nothing made me burst into tears. I could control my tears earlier but was unable to do so now. I asked her how she could take her illness so lightly. I told her I was afraid to loose her. She responded, "I already knew about my illness." I was shocked, speechless and puzzled. Questions swirled in my mind. How did she know? Why did she not tell me earlier?

She seemed to have read my thoughts, for she said, "I found out some months ago. I only did not want you to worry about me. It’s nothing much." She paused and then continued, "Death comes to all. I’ve accepted my fate. There’s no point in worrying. Look at it as ‘saying goodbye’."

"Saying goodbye?"

"Yes, my dear. Saying goodbye. I will be undertaking a long journey soon but we will be together at the end of time."


After that, she returned home. No amount of persuasion could have prevented her from leaving the hospital. Friends and relatives visited her day in, day out, bringing flowers, fruits and other gifts. Day after day, her pain worsened. I stayed by her side whenever I could to see to her every need. I did cry often but I slowly learnt to accept that nothing lasts forever. Throughout the months of pain and agony she went through, I noticed something in her that I have never seen before. She was strong in character. She refused to take painkillers. She refused to seek treatment. She knew there was no cure for her condition. Yet, she remained fearless throughout it all. Even death failed to terrify her, and I respected her for that.


Seven months later, she passed away peacefully.

(Special thanks to Sailor Internet for writing this story and to you for reading it.)
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