Mystery Science Anarchy 3000, Episode #107 "New Powers?" MSTed by the Anarkist(Discord999@aol.com) Original Story by Ocean Princess Mercury DISCLAIMER: This is a MSTing of a fanfic written by another author. The fic itself is the property of Ocean Princess Mercury, and she's welcome to it. Usagi, the Sailor Scouts, etc. are all the property of Naoko Takeuchi. Mike, the Bots, and the Mads are the property of Best Brains, Inc. Anything else mentioned is the property of its respective creator(s). DRIVE-IN TOTALS: 1 Dead Body 0 Breasts 1 EXTREMELY Short Fight Scene Talking Cats Gratuitous Ice Cream Gratuitous No-Selling Kung Fu Senshi Fu ** Stars (SoL. Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot and Mike Nelson are standing on one side of the screen, watching a TV set that is perched on the other side. The flicker of the TV is the only movement on screen for several moments, until Mike looks up and notices that Cambot is on) Mike: Oh, hey everyone. Mike Nelson here, still on the Satellite of Love. We were just watching some of Servo's anime tapes while we wait for Dr. Forrester to send us our latest experiment. Crow: Yeah, unfortunately all Moonie-boy here has is Subtitled Sailor Moon episodes ... Tom: Heathen! I suppose you'd rather watch your La Blue Girl Perfect Collection, huh? Crow: As a matter of fact ... Mike: Hey, hey, you guys. There's room on this Satellite for all our opinions. Besides, I heard from Frank that today's experiment has some- thing to do with Sailor Moon, so we might wanna get ready. Tom: Just as long as it's not another Oscarfic, I'll be fine. (Commercial light flashes) Mike: We'll be right back. *taps it* ***** Assorted annoying commercials appear, causing you to want to avoid their products at any cost so they'll go out of buisness and you won't have to watch their commercials anymore. ***** (SoL. The TV is gone, and Mike and the Bots are standing in preparation for the latest experiment) Tom: Think the Mads'll send us another PJ fic? Crow: Nah. I mean, how many lemons can one guy write, anyway? Mike: I don't think you want to know the answer to that, Crow ... Crow: Hmmm. Oscar's out of the picture, since he's net-dead ... Tom: Let's just hope he didn't decide to re-send us "Chibi-Usa's 7th Birthday" ... All: *shudder* (Mads light flashes) Mike: Speaking of Queen Beryl and Jadetite ... how're you doing, sirs? (Deep-13. Dr. Forrester is nowhere to be seen. T.V.'s Frank is watching TV and eating popcorn, which he promptly spills all over himself when he sees the camera) Frank: Oh ... uhm ... hi, guys. I'm doing pretty good ... how 'bout you? (SoL) Mike: Oh, I'm doing great. But say ... where's Dr. Forrester? Tom: Not that we're complaining, mind you ... (D-13) Frank: Oh, Dr. F had to go to some strange convention or another. Something about sending a bunch of teenagers into space or some such. Anyway, he took my clone with him and left me in charge. (SoL) Mike: Oh ... really? Tom: Hey, Frank, since you're in charge and all ... mind getting us down here? (D-13) Frank: Oh, yeah, sure, no problem. (Frank gets up and moves to the console, looking at the various buttons. He finds a Post-It Note and holds it up, reading it) Frank: "Frank, do not bring the Satellite of Love back down to Earth. Hit yourself over the head for even thinking about it." *does so* "Now, send them their experiment and make sure the monitors are on so I can study it later." *shrugs* Sorry, guys, but the Doc's still the Doc ... (SoL. Mike and the Bots look saddened, though not surprised) Mike: Eh, it's OK, Frank. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do ... Crow: *under his breath* Wuss ... Mike: Crow ... (D-13) Frank: Well, anyway, I think you guys' experiment today is a Sailor Moon fanfic. Man, that Ami's a cutie ... anyways, it's called "New Powers?" and it's ... well ... y'know. So ... bite down hard, or ... something. (Pushes the button to send the fanfic) (SoL) Tom: Eh, nice try, Nelson. Mike: Well, hey, it almost worked ... (Lights and klaxons) Mike: Look, we'll discuss this later ... 'cuz we've got Moonie SIIIIGN ... (Door 7-A Dog Bone, of course) (Door 6-It's Doug Herzog. You kick him in the groin, laugh at his pain, and leave.) (Door 5-It's an ad for Scream 3. Depending on your preference, you either tear it to shreds or bow down and worship it, then move on) (Door 4-You walk into a chat room right in the middle of a huge, incomprehensible roleplay. Confused, you walk out, shaking your head) (Door 3-An ad for the Author Avatar Association. You note the shameless plug and move on) (Door 2-A solid wall of ice. You grab a flamethrower and melt an entrance) (Door 1-Death stands before you. He points beyond him, and you hurry by.) (Door .69-A black hole opens in the fabric of reality, sucking you into the theater) (Crow, Mike, Tom) Tom: Y'know, with Frank, you almost feel bad about taking advantage of him ... Crow: Yeah. Almost. >New Powers? Mike: Yes, it's Austin Powers 3: You Only Shag Twice! Tom: (Austin Powers) Shagadelic, baby. > > >Usagi, Ami, Makoto, Minako and Rei All: *singing* Hail, hail, the gang's all here ... >had just started grade 11. Usagi, Ami Minako Crow: I didn't know Ami's last name was Minako ... Tom: That's a missed comma, bird-beak. Crow: Well excuse me, Moonie-boy ... Mike: Guys, guys ... >and Makoto were in Juuban High School Mike: Named after the inventor the Fried Ju-Ju Bean! >and Rei was in T*A Private Girl's School. Tom: They sent her to Tits and Ass High School? Crow: Yup. Founded by Dolly Parton and Jennifer Lopez ... Mike: *singing* 35C ... and growwwwing ... >Luna and Artemis had gone into the future Crow: (Doc Brown) It's the Libyans! RUN FOR IT, MARTY! >to visit Chibiusa and Diana, Tom: Well, glad to see she's recovering from that car crash nicely ... Mike: Tom, that was sick. Tom: But funny, you must admit. >the Three >Lights were on tour in England, Mike: Yeah, unfortunately they got stuck opening for the Spice Girls ... Tom: The horror ... the horror ... Crow: More like the whores ... the whores ... Tom: Bitter much, Crow? Crow: Oh ... a tad ... >and the senshi had no powers left until the >Queen was summoned. Mike: And they would be the Princes of the Universe once again. Tom: (Motherly) And you'll have no more powers until the Queen gets here, young lady! >There were no more enemies. Well, Crow: ... except for Saddam Hussein, but no one takes him seriously anymore ... >that's what they wanted us >to beleive... Tom: "Us"? It's a self-insert now? Crow: God help us ... we don't need ANOTHER Sailor Sun/Earth ... >3 sailor scout people Mike: Oh, not any 3 in particular ... just 3 random senshi ... >were standing on a bridge overlooking a dep river Tom: Johnny Dep? Crow: Man, I knew his career was going downhill, but this is rediculous ... >of black >water. Mike: *ominously* The Pirates ... of Dark Water. >Suddenly, a meteorite shot accross the sky Crow: Somewhere, Bruce Willis is crying. and everything turned red. All: IT'S KANE!!! Tom: (Jim Ross) Through hellfire and brimstone! >A >woman in a silver dress was siting on a throne Mike: (Woman) I HATE it when I get teleported while on the toilet ... Tom: Eh, must be looking for some of those Sailor Moon fanpages. >hovering above the water. Crow: (Woman) Uhm ... hello? Could someone get me down from here? >The >three Sailor Scout people were named Tom: ... Ensigns Throwaway, Lynch, and Imonlyinheretogetmyasskilled. >Kikitia, Monitia and Nonoshikia. Mike: And don't forget Boomshakalaka ... >The woman >in the dress was Princess Kamikotura. Tom: Oh, I don't know ... Crow: So, what, she's a turtle? >Kikitia: Madam Kamikotura, we are here as you summoned us. Mike: (Kikitia) Now what the hell do you want? >Kamikotura: Kikitia, Crow: (Kami) ... will you marry me? >have you thought of a plan to take over this measly >universe? Tom: (Kikitia) Nah, but I met a couple of laboratory mice that you might be interested in ... Crow: (Brain) This story is below my superhuman intelligence, Pinky. Mike: (Pinky) I dunno, Brain, I kinda like it. NARF! Crow: (Brain) I rest my case ... >Kikitia: Yes, Madam. Do you remember Galaxia's undoing? Tom: (Kami) Her bra clasp. Your point? >Kamikotura: My twin sister-so evil- All: *singing* Am I evil? Yes I am ... >and she was turned good by that stupid >Sailormoon. Crow: (Kami) Yes, that stupid Sailor Moon that I hate with a very generic passion! >Kikitia: This Sailormoon has left the planet, Madam. Tom: (Kikitia) Fortunately, Sailor Moons come in six-packs, so there's still a few left. >There has been no evidence >of her for many months. Mike: Well, except that pile of droppings we found, but other than that ... Bots: Ick, Nelson ... >Kamikotura: Good. Go ahead with your plan. Mike: (Kami) Run along and play, now. I'll catch up with you later. >But remember, if you run into >Sailormoon- Crow: (Kami) Be sure to help her back up. >Kikitia: Yes, Madam. > >(eyecatch) All: ?!? Tom: The HELL is that? > >Usagi: Mako! Crow: This must be the author's way of saying the scene just changed. Mike: If Aeris shows up, I'm leaving ... >Minako! C'mon! >Mako: (running) Usagi, where are we going? Tom: (Usagi) To Hell in a handbasket. Any other questions? Crow: (Usagi) Going? I just like watching you run ... bouncy-bouncy ... Mike: Crow ... >Minako: I don't think I can handle much more running. Tom: (Minako) I just ran the Boston Marathon, what more do you want from me?!? >Usagi: Ami and Rei said for us to meet them at the temple. Mike: (Usagi) They said something about sacrificing Shane McMahon to Cthulhu or something ... >I think Rei's serving >those cookies again! Tom: Do you smell what the Rei is cookin'? > >(eyecatch) All: ACK! Tom: I don't know if I can get used to that ... Crow: *singing* Second verse, inane as the first ... > >Luna and Artemis are sleeping Crow: (Artemis) Oscar ... no ... stay away ... >when a bright light blasts. Mike: (Goku) KAMEHAMEHA! >Luna awakens. Tom: (Luna) Wha ... no fair! I was dreaming I was having a lemon scene with Usagi ... >Voice: Luna, your Sailor Senshi are in great danger. Crow: (Luna) Oh, they're MY Sailor Senshi now, are they? Last week when they beat up that youma, they were YOURS, but now ... Mike: Luna's hearing voices now? Guess all those Sailor Moon lemons drove her insane ... >Return to your rightful >time and warn them of the new forces. Mike: *singing* I'd go back in time ... >Luna: Yes, ma'am! Tom: (Luna) Yes, oh mighty Voice of Exposition! > >(eyecatch) Tom: If you're trying to get my attention, it's not working. > >The girls are sitting in Rei's room. Rei is saying something to them. Crow: Nothing in particular, just random words strung together. >Usagi is pigging out on some cookies. All: *make sounds of a bulldozer* >Rei: I sensed them. They're coming closer. Mike: (Rei) Curse those giant ants! >Makoto: But what can we do? We have no powers. Tom: (Makoto) We are girly-men, pathetic and weak. >Minako: Usagi-chan! Crow: (Minako) That's it! We can throw Usagi at them! >Ami: Well, I guess we'll have to summon Luna to give us back the old >transformation pens. Tom: I thought they always kept them in their pu- Mike: *clamping a hand over Tom's mouth* NO. >Rei: We need Setsuna to do that, and she's out of town right now. Crow: (Rei) She's attending a Plot Contrivance Convention ... >Ami: Oh, no... >Luna suddenly jumps through the window. Mike: *laughing* Yes, that WAS rather sudden ... Crow: MANNIX! >Usagi: Luna! (Goes and picks her up. Luna scratches her face) Tom: (Luna) Get away from me, bubblehead! Crow: Oh, no, now she's gonna power-cry ... >Luna: Guys, there is a new evil force! Mike: (Luna) It's called Taco Bell, and it'll kill us all with gas! >Ami: What? How-I mean- Tom: (Ami, dumb) Doi, doi, doi ... >we destroyed Galaxia! Crow: Wait a minute! If they didn't know about this new evil force, why in the sanscratch did they need their pens back? Mike: Maybe they couldn't memorize their speeches and wanted to write them down? >Luna: I don't know what it mis or where it's from but I knwo it's evil. Crow: Nah, the nWo's more stupid than evil ... Tom: Now the spelling on this thing ... THAT'S evil. >Minako: Luna, we don't have any powers! Tom: (Minako) Our batteries ran out! >Makoto: Yeah! No lockets or transformetion pens! Mike: (Makoto) Fortunately, we DO have our *transformation* pens ... >Usagi: What do we do...? (starts panicking) Tom: (Usagi) AHHHHH!!! >Luna: Usagi-chan- Crow: (Luna) Shut up. >Rei: Luna, how do we defeat this monster? Tell us. Mike: (Luna) Uhm ... meow? >Luna: You don't need transformation pens or lockets! Tom: (Luna) Just take a gun and shoot at it, dammit! >All it is is your inner >magic. Crow: There's a little bit of magic in each and every one of us ... >Ami: What do you mean? Crow: (Luna) It means ... ah, hell, who gives a damn what it means. Just take your clothes off and have another mass orgy! >Luna: Minako, you demonstrate. Put your hand in the air Mike: ... and wave it like ya just don't care! Tom: (Annoying guy) Today we're gonna talk about your PITS! >and think of Tom: ... muffins. >transforming. >Minako: Okay. (does as Luna says. She is surrounded by orangey silver stars, Mike: (Minako) Whoa ... this is some heavy stuff, man ... >which trasnform her into a new silver-orange Sailorvenus) Crow: Now with 90% more calcium! >Ohmigod! Tom: (Jim Ross) MAH GOD! >I never even >said Venus Power! Mike: Val Venis IS Sailor Porno ... >Luna: Think of reversing. Crow: (Venus) But I don't WANNA turn my clothes inside out ... >Minako: Okay...(reverses) Hey! That's pretty cool! Tom: So she turns around and she thinks it's cool? >Wht about attacks? Mike: And "wht" about love? >Luna: At the right time, you will all get a weapon. Crow: (Luna) You shall be given boards with nails in them. >Your weapon can do anything, Tom: (Luna) But it won't take American Express. >anything you want it to do. Mike: She's giving them PLOT CONTRIVANCE POWER! >Usagi: Super cool! >Ami: That is kind of cool. Tom: Yeah ... I think the Sailor Scouts have been watching too buch Beavis and Butthead ... >Rei: But what about the enemy? All: *dramatic* DUN-DUN-DUUUUN!!! >(everybody has a blank look on their face) Crow: (Usagi) Oh ... uhm ... pass! > >(eyecatch) Tom: I refuse to dignify this scene change with a riff. > >Kikitia is attacking a small girl. Mike: Well, good for her. Tom: Chibi-Usa, NOOO!!! Crow: Chibi-Usa, yes! Kill the little twerp! >She puts her arms out and BOOM! Crow: BOOMSHAKALAKA! Mike: Man, that's some deadly B.O. ... >A wash of >light fills the screen. All: *put on sunglasses* Mike: (Kikitia) I'm going to wash your mouth out with light, young lady! >The little girl fades then disappears. Tom: And SHE'S one of the lucky ones ... >Kikitia: Now, all I have to do is find more humans- Crow: Eh, try the Internet. There's millions of 'em there, and half of 'em wouldn't be missed if they suddenly ceased to come outside for a few weeks ... >Usagi and Ami cra walking down the path, Tom: "Cra walking"? The hell? Mike: Singing doo-wah-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo ... >eating ice cream. Kikitia lokks at them >with an evil grin. Crow: (Church Lady) How conveeeeeenient! >Usagi: Hey, teah! That's a good idea! Mike: (Ami) The name's AMI, meatball-head. >Ami: It's only a cooking class, Usagi, Tom: (Ami) It's not like I'm asking you to sell your body on the street or anything ... Crow: No, Tom, that's "Alternate Universe" ... >you learn thesis mostly- Mike: (Ren) Now here theeeeeesis, you eeeeeediooot!!! >Usagi: So what? You get to eat, don't you? Crow: (Ami) Not unless PJ's writing us ... Mike: Crow ... >Ami: Yeah, but- >Kikitia: Excuse me, Tom: (Kikitia) Do you have any Grey Poupon? >but you two are intruding on my personal propetry- Mike: (Kikitia) This entire street is mine! I called it, just now! Tom: (Usagi) Oh, well I'm sure we can work something ou... >(sticks >out arms and holds Usagi to her, choking her) Tom: (Usagi) ... AGGGHHHH!!! >Ami: Hey! Mike: (Fat Albert) ... hey, hey! >Let her go! Crow: (Ami) LET MY PEOPLE GO! >(sticks arm in air Tom: (Ami) We are the Nation ... of Domination! >and transforms into a bluish-silver >metallic Sailormercury) Mike: Eh, I like the teal and gold repaint better ... >You have no right to hurt innocent victims! >Kikitia: Oh yah? Crow: (Millewegian) Oh, yah, they're so cute at that age ... >(blasts Ami) Tom: (Kikitia) Your costume is stupid and you have ugly hair and you'll never get a boyfriend! Mike: Blast it all ... >Usagi: Nooo! Ami! Crow: TETSUOOOOO!!! Tom: MAMMY!!! Mike: KAAAAAAAHN!!! Tom: CHEIF! Crow: McCLOUD!!! >A blue glow surrounds Ami. Crow: Hey, Ami's got a battle aura now! Tom: Everyone does these days ... >Her sign appears in the air Mike: Unfortunately, it said "Right turn only", and while Ami was busy turning in a circle, she was brutally and viciously slaughtered. The end. Tom: *singing* Sign, sign, everywhere the signs ... Crow: I never knew she was a Saggitarius ... >and a blue ow and arrow Tom: A blue "ow"? What, did it fall on her head? >fall from the sky. Ami stands up and grabs them) Crow: (Ami) MINE! MINE!!! Mike: (Ami) Thank you, God of Plot Contrivances! >Ami: In the name of Mercury- Mike: (Ami) I shall buy me a Mercury and cruise it up and down the r- (Suddenly, the 'bots ram Mike from either side) Mike: OW! What was that for??? Tom: For singing Country-Western. You KNOW we were programmed to rock and roll! Mike: Oh, right. >I am Silver Sailormercury! (shoots a water arrow at >Kikitia. She dodges it) All: Wha-wha-whaaaa ... >Kikitia: Ha! You couln't hurt me! >Rei: Mike: Wha .. how'n the sanscratch did she show up here? Tom: (Rei) Ignore how I just appeared out of thin air like that ... >(now Silver Sailormars, is standing with Venus and Jupiter) Mike: (now still Mike Nelson, is riffing a lousy fanfic with Tom and Crow) >(Takes a sword >while she is glowing red and Crow: ... shoves it. Mike: Crow ... >her sign is in the air) (slashes at Kikitia) Tom: Rei has *no* lines in this at all, does she? Crow: Eh, must be another Usaginite. >Minako: Let Usagi go! Crow: LET MY ... oh, wait, I've done that one already. >(glows orange and her sign is in the air. Mike: (Minako) Mine's Libra. What's yours? >Grabs a long, >thin sword from the air) Tom: (Makoto) That sword reminds me of my ex-boyfriend ... Mike: Tom ... >Makoto: We are here to protect the innocent! (glows and reaches into sky to grab >a green whip) Crow: (Makoto) In the name of Jupiter, will you punish me? Mike: Crow ... Tom: Yes, it's the new *Bondage* Senshi, with the power of a hundred dominatrixes! Mike: Tom ... 'Bots: Mike ... >Kikitia: Huh? Crow: Not too fast on the uptake, is she? >(Usagi is transforming. Tom: *makes the Transformers sound* Crow: She's becoming faster ... stronger ... *better* ... >Her outfit is all silver, with a crinkly >skirt and silver ribbins in her pigtails. Tom: That's gotta be hell to wipe with ... Mike: TOM! Tom: Well, it *does* ... >Her crystals and moon are silver) Crow: Wow! She turned her naughty bits into silver! Mike: *sighs* >Aaah! (She is blasted back) Tom: (Kikitia) I am thrown through the air with the greatest of ease ... >Usagi: Take this, you evil doer! (glows pink Crow: She's being possessed by the spirit of Steven Tyler! >and reaches into the sky to grab a >staff) Mike: (Announcer) And the 34,984,398th runner of the Olympic torch ... miss Sailor Moon! >(points staff at Kikitia. Tom: (Usagi) You talkin' to me? >She is blown up) All: *snicker* Tom: Well, THAT was quick. Crow: Koopa, eat your heart out ... >All the senshi return to >normal. > Mike: Uhm ... yes? > >By... >Ocean Princess Mercury Tom: Kinda shallow for a fic written by an ocean, wouldn't you say? Mike: So that's it? No closure whatsoever? What about the other bad guys? And what are they going to do about their newfound powers? Crow: Who cares? It's over! Let's blow this taco stand! Mike: Let's. (All exeunt) (.69 ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7) (SoL. Mike and the Bots emerge from the theater, victorious yet again) Mike: Well, that was ... odd. Tom: Yeah. I mean, it was pretty short ... Crow: ... No beastiality scenes--always a plus ... Mike: ... No really glaring OOC-isms ... Tom: Of course, there was still the Thinker-level typos ... Mike: Still, not so bad. Seen a lot worse. Crow: If this is the kind of stuff Dr. Forrester's stooped to sending us ... maybe we're nearing the light at the end of the tunnel! Maybe Dr. F's already sent us the bottom of the fanfiction barrel! Tom: Maybe ... Mike: Maybe ... (MADs light flashes) All: Maybe ... (D-13. Dr. Forrester has reappeared, and he and T.V.'s Frank and cackling maniacally) Frank: You were right, Dr. F! Dr. F: Of course I was, fool! By raising their hopes like this, I can merely heighten the pain caused by their next experiment! Which, come to think of it, will be ... *NOW!* (SoL) All: WHAT?!? Mike: But ... you can't do that! Crow: Yeah! It's in the manual ... somewhere ... Tom: Besides, you've never done it before! (D-13) Dr. F: Then what better reason would I have to *do* so? After all, what are these fanfics but *experiments?* Your next fanfic will be yet another PJ lemon entitled Parasite Eve: Mating Call." And if you survive *that*, there's more where that came from. Send them the lemon, Frank ... Frank: Yes, your poofiness. *pushes the button the send the fanfic* (SoL) Crow: God, not him AGAIN ... Mike: C'mon, guys, stay frosty ... we can do this ... (Lights and klaxons) Mike: ... especially since WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIGN!!! (*FWOOSH!*) TO BE CONTINUED ... THE ANARKIST'S NOTES: Another MiSTing down. Not much to say this time around ... just thanks to all my friends and fans, and may I keep on riffing until ... well ... I stop, I guess. I know this one was very short, but I felt like taking on a smaller fic after riffing Quest For Aeris, which was *very* long. The next one's yet another PJ lemon, this time about Parasite Eve, and brings a whole new meaning to the words "Unsafe Sex" ... DEDICATIONS: To SVAM, for putting my MiSTings on their site ... for the guys on the SVAM IRC server, for being such an entertaining group of SOB's ... and, of course, to Jennifer. You know why by now. :P MSA3K EPISODE GUIDE -------------------- #101-Lady Death: The Summoning #102-Warrior Sisters #103-Warrior Sisters 2: The Flesh Is Weak #104-Pfil's Spider Troubles #105-Decency Patrol #1 #106-Final Fantasy 7: The Quest For Aeris #107-New Powers? OTHER PROJECTS -------------------- Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000(w/ Malissa Thomas) #-101 Religious Spam #-102 Urusei X; The Yatsura Files Part I Group MSTings Sailor Moon VS Tickle-Me Elmo(w/ John Hurst) The Fist KILLS Everyone(w/ Akodo X) >(points staff at Kikitia. She is blown up) All the senshi return to >normal.