Mystery Science Anarchy 3000, Episode #104 "Phil's Spider Troubles" MSTed by The Anarkist (Discord999@aol.com) Guest Editor: Jack Acid (jack_acid@yahoo.com) Original Story by Washu DISCLAIMER: This is a MSTing of a fanfic written by another author. The fic itself is the property of Washu, and he's welcome to it. Bondage Fairies, Pfil, Pamila, etc. are all the property of Kondom. Yes, that's his name. Mike, the Bots, and the Mads are the property of Best Brains, Inc. Rei Ayanami is the property of Hideaki Anno. Anything else mentioned is the property of its respective creator(s). DRIVE-IN TOTALS: 1 Dead Body Arachnid Rape Gratuitous Redundancy Gratuitous Usage of the Word "Hot" Gratuitous Gratuity Spider Web Fu Fairy Fu Desecration of a Great Hentai Fu * 1/2 Stars (SoL. Crow is standing to one side, with a "S.O.L Squad" T-shirt on and "HENTAI" written backwards across his forehead. Tom Servo's decapitated head, also with "HENTAI" writen backwards, sits next to him. Mike is nowhere to be seen) Crow: You think he'll notice? Tom: Shhh! Here he comes! (Mike enters from the other side, drinking a soda) Mike: Oh, hi guys. *spit-take* WHAT THE?!? Crow: What?!? Mike: Crow ... WHY did you cut off Tom's head? And why are you dressed like a pro wrestler? Tom: Oh, we just wanted to see if Inside Edition would pay attention to us. Crow: Also, I heard from Dr. Forrester that our ratings are kinda in a slump, so we figured that we could kinda ride the coattails of the WWF by ripping off one of their more popular angles. Tom: I mean, hey, WCW's been doing it for years ... Mike: *sigh* You guys ... (Commericial sign) Mike: We'll be right back ... here, let me put you back together ... Tom: Awwww ... ****** Are you a balding woman experiencing your period who drinks Kuhala Gold and has genital warts? If so, these commercials are for you! ****** (SoL. Mike is trying to screw Tom's head back on, with questionable success. Crow is standing to the side, still dressed up like a bizarre parody of Al Snow) Mike: Crow, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times ... never cut off Tom's head as an excuse for a host segment! Crow: Awww, but it's *fun* ... Tom: And hey, I don't mind too much! It's kinda fun being a rip- off! Crow: Hey, just ask Goldberg ... Mike: You guys are gonna get us flamed ... (MADS light flashes) Tom: Ah, Hardcore Holly and the Road Dogg are calling. Mike: Whattaya need, sirs? *taps it* (D-13. Dr. F and TV's Frank are standing before a large collection of cloning tanks, most of which are empty. Both have wide grins on their faces, and a very mussed-looking Rei clone hovers behind them) Dr. F: Oh, just your minds, souls, and sanity on a silver platter. But, that, as always, can wait. In the meantime, I just thought you'd like to be present for a little ... passing of the torch, so to speak. Frank? Frank: (tentatively) Yes, Steve? Dr. F: You've been a great help throughout the many years you've been employed here, and your ability to be killed over and over again, and yet miraculously come back each time, has been truly invaluable. Frank: Why, thank you, Doctor ... Dr. F: However ... as of late, it appears you're just not, "with it". You seem to have "lost a step". In other words ... Frank, you're fired. Frank: Oh. Again? Dr. F: Wha ... yes, AGAIN. But this time, it's for real! Frank: I assume it's because of this floozy here? *gestures at Rei* Dr. F: She's NOT a floozy! She's a better assistant than YOU ever were! (SoL. Mike and the Bots are gawking) Mike: Whaaa ... Crow: You're firing Frank?!? Tom: Look, I can see you two have some issues to work out ... so if you'll excuse us ... (D-13. Dr. F is seething) Dr. F: Not hardly, sparkplug! This minor distraction has only served to increase my wrath, and guess who I'm going to take it all out on? (SoL) All: Oh lord ... (D-13. Dr. F smiles grimly, as Frank continues to stand his ground) Dr. F: Exactly. Your experiment this week is a harmful little tale in the Bondage Fairies universe. I'm sure you're familiar with it? (SoL) Crow: Bondage Fairies? Kick ass! Tom: THE Bondage Fairies? Pfil and Pamela? Mike: Careful, guys ... he's sent us promising concepts before, and every time it's turned out to be something horribly, horribly wrong. (D-13) Dr. F: I've become somewhat predictable, haven't I? Nonetheless, nothing you've undergone can prepare you for ... "Phil's Spider Troubles"! Send 'em the lemon, Rei. (Rei and Frank both move to do so) Dr. F: Do you want me to kill you again, Frank? Frank: Ohhhh ... (SoL. Lights and Klaxons) Mike: WE'VE GOT BONDAGE FAIRIES SIIIIGN! (Door 7-A Dog Bone, of course) (Door 6-It's Doug Herzog. You kick him in the groin, laugh at his pain, and leave.) (Door 5-It's an ad for Scream 3. Depending on your preference, you either tear it to shreds or bow down and worship it, then move on) (Door 4-You walk into a chat room right in the middle of a huge, incomprehensible roleplay. Confused, you walk out, shaking your head) (Door 3-An ad for the Author Avatar Association. You note the shameless plug and move on) (Door 2-A solid wall of ice. You grab a flamethrower and melt an entrance) (Door 1-Death stands before you. He points beyond him, and you hurry by.) (Door .69-A black hole opens in the fabric of reality, sucking you into the theater) (Usual order: Crow, Mike, Tom) Mike: Think Dr. Forrester's ever gonna run out of crappy lemons to send us? Tom: Is the Pope Jewish? > >Here is my little contribution Crow: (Author) Which I found in the bottom of my toilet one day ... >to the FANFICTION section of the archive. Mike: As opposed to the RECIPE section. Crow: More like the CRAP section. Tom: Caps lock, anyone? >It takes place in the "Bondage Fairies" universe. Bots: WHOO-HOO! Mike: Settle down, you two ... >(or "Insect Hunter" if >you prefer) Crow: No, we don't prefer, thank you very much. > ...I've always had a thing for spiders, All: ... Tom: An arachnophiliac? Crow: (Author) They're just the right size! Mike: Crow ... >so here goes: Crow: So it does. > > PFIL'S SPIDER TROUBLES Mike: Oh, those goofy Black Widows! > > Tom: Such a poignant message. >by Washu 2/9/97 Mike: As opposed to Washu 3:16. Crow: Or Washu 24/7/69. Tom: Tenchi would not approve ... >(with apologies to Kondom) Crow: And well you should. Tom: Still, it's pretty hard to take a guy with the name "Kondom" seriously. >________________________________________________________________________ Mike: Look, it's the plot line! Tom: In that it's flat and uninteresting? Yup. > > Insect hunter Pfil was flying Crow: Marijauna at work. >through a dark part of the great forest. Mike: Not just any forest, but the GREAT forest. Tom: (Pfil) Oh, look! It's that darling Sonic the Hedgehog! And he's ... OH MY GOD! >She zoomed in and out of hollows and gullies, Crow: Zoomers. Gotta hate 'em. >checking out the landscape Tom: I'm doing the same ... hubba hubba ... >and searching for trouble Mike: Hence the name. Tom: They bring it upon themselves, really... Crow: (Pfil) Let's see ... what can I get to rape me today ... >just as hunter fairies are supposed to. Crow: I thought hunter fairies were supposed to lots and lots of hardcore lesbian sex with each other? Tom: And get raped by the small woodland creature of the day, of course. > "What a beautiful day!" she sighed to herself Mike: That huge, black cloud you see hovering over the story is FORESHADOWING. >as she flew past a towering >Oak tree. Crow: (Oak Tree) I'm huge! >It was late afternoon Tom: (ominous) Late afternoon and the night before ... Crow: (ditto) Naked fairies, naked fairies, knocking at the door... >and she wanted to get back to the main hall before dinner. Mike: Wonder what's for dinner? Crom: With Pamila? Probably tuna ... >She was already starting to get hungry. Time to start back, >she thought to herself. Tom: If this foreshadowing gets any thicker, we're gonna have to call a level 69 smog alert ... > Pfil finished her sweep of the forest Mike: (announcer) And Pfil has swept the forest! She's goin' on the Finals, baby! >and headed back toward home. It had been a long day. Tom: (Pfil) Mondays. God, I hate 'em. >She had already assisted three bees, Crow: Assisted? How? Tom: (Pfil) Those stingers are POINTY ... Mike: You guys ... there's more to Bondage Fairies than just random acts of sex. Bots: Such as? Mike: Uhm ... hold on a minute, it'll come to me. >a lost moth and saved a hedgehog Mike: Dark Sonic? NOOOO!!! >from a predator. Crow: Lousy turncoat! Tom: Being beheaded by a crab-faced alien seems a fitting end for THAT particular abortion of literature. >She was absolutely exhausted. Crow: Jeez, you'd think Pamila would've built up her endurance by now ... > As she flew through the underbrush, something suddenly loomed in front of >her. Tom: It was the plot, and it was NOT happy! >Before she could react, she flew head-on Bots: *snicker* Mike: Guys ... >into a giant sticky spider web! Mike: (author) No particular reason, really ... just have to set the rape scene up somehow! > Pfil was caught fast in the sticky webbing. Tom: She must've not been too fast, or she wouldn't have gotten stuck in there in the first place ... >"Oh no!" she gasped Crow: (Peter Graves) By this time my lungs were aching for air! >as she struggled to free herself. Tom: Unfortunately, the Man promptly showed up to hold her down. Crow: (Pfil) Damn plot contrivances ... >Her violent struggling motions Mike: Now, now, Pfil, violence solves nothing. Passive resistance, that's the key! Tom: Or, if that fails, the Russians are looking to get rid of some of their nukes ... >only served to entangle her further in the sticky web. Crow: Ah. Must be using the AOL search engine. Tom: Isn't it cute when girls actually try to do stuff? >Pfil writhed All: *gawk* >and fought against the tough webbing, but to no avail. Mike: Looks like the spider's been stealing Peter Parker's secret formula. >She was caught firmly. Her arms and legs were wrapped tightly Tom: Don't know what to get that special someone in your life for christmas? How about a specially-made gift-raped ... I mean, wrapped fairy? >and held fast in the strong web. Crow: Yes! The Internet shall NEVER fall! MWAHAHAHAHA! > Pfil cried out for help "Is anyone there? I need HELP!!!" Tom: Sorry, babe, it ain't gonna work. We've tried that. >She listened for a moment but heard nothing. Mike: Looks like all those years of listening to her stereo at full-blast finally caught up with her ... >"HELP!" she cried again. To her supprise, Crow: And her "suprise", too ... >a large black spider Tom: AFRICAN-AMERICAN spider ... >appeared at the edge of the web. Mike: And lo, that spider shall be known as AOL, and it shall entangle many, many innocent half-naked fairies in its Web of Doom before it is brought down ... Bots: *make sounds of reverence* >Pfil was startled Tom: So she yells for help, and is surprised when it actually shows up? Since when do the Bondage Fairies live in New York City? >and looked up at the hairy beast. Mike: Looks like Hank McCoy's a little pressed for work ... > "Thank god!" she exclaimed, "Please get me out of here!" Crow: (Pfil) Please! Get me out of this inane lemon! >The spider just sat there for a moment, perceiving her with its big red eyes. Crow: (Spider) The better to mentally grope you with, my dear ... Tom: (Spider) Mmmm ... it all looks so good, I don't know where to begin! >Pfil struggled against the webbing again. > "I'm sorry about your web, but if you help me out of here, I promise to Crow: ... bang his arachnid brains out? Mike: Crow ... >help you rebuild it!" Tom: Yeah, it's always a mess when your web site crashes ... >Pfil lay there trapped as the spider continued his watchful gaze. Mike: (Spider) *I* watch the watcher! > Pfil was confused Crow: Eh, that's a blonde for ya. Mike: Hey ... >as to why the spider wasn't jumping to assist her. Tom: Well, for one thing, it's not a jumping spider ... Crow: Yeah, more like a humping spider ... >"Are you listening?" Mike: Hello? McFly? Anybody home? >she asked curiously "Aren't you going to help me?" Tom: In a rape lemon? What do you think? > Suddenly the spider lunged forward Crow: MANNIX! >and climbed down the web to where Pfil was trapped. Tom: If Pfil's younger brother shows up, I'm leaving! >He scampered All: *snicker* >over to her and began untangling the webbing around her young body. Crow: Man, she's just like a Snicker's bar, ain't she? Unwrap 'er and eat 'er. > "Thank god you came along, I don't know WHAT I would have done!" Tom: Probably laid there and died a slow, painful death of starvation. Crow: Wheras now she can die a short, painful death by lemon saturation. >she exclaimed. The spider kept untangling the web Mike: (Spider) Dammit, knew I should've used Alta Vista ... >as Pfil lay there motionless. Crow: The only thing worse than a frigid woman is a dead fish ... >He took her hands out of the tight webbing, Tom: (Pfil) Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I'm free at last! >but instead of freeing her, Tom: (Pfil) D'OH! >he suddenly bound her wrists together tightly. > "What are you doing?" Pfil asked in confusion. Mike: Why is it that the victims of these lemons are always confused all the way up to the point where they actually get raped? Tom: Because women are basically stupid creatures that are easily duped. Mike: Ah. >The spider didn't respond Crow: Damn. Server must be overloaded again. >but kept binding her wrists together behind her back. Tom: (Big Bossman) You're gonna be doin' HARD TIME! Crow: Literally... >Pfil grew afraid Mike: WONDERFUL timing there, Pfil ... >and yelled at the spider "HEY! Tom: (Pfil) Let me hear ya say HEEEEEY-OH! >Let me go! Crow: (Pfil) LET MY PEOPLE GO! >What are you doing?" Mike: (Spider) Raping you. What does it look like? > The spider continued to ignore her and placed Pfil in a knealing possition Tom: Whoa! Looks like the spellchecker just had a heart attack from the strain! Crow: (Spider) Assume the position! >on the web with her hands bound tightly behind her back with strong, sticky >webbing. Mike: When Marvel Super Heroes go bad ... > "Let me go!" Pfil cried. Tom: (Spider) Oh, of course. What was I thinking? I'm sorry, here, let me help you up ... >The spider's coarse hairy legs brushed like sandpaper Crow: This guy personifies the phrase, "smooth as sandpaper"... >against Pfil's pink fairy flesh. She winced as his bristly hairs poked Mike: OK, so is she getting raped by a porcupine, or a spider? Tom: Does it matter? >at her soft skin. Crow: Ahhh, looks like Pfil moisturizes daily ... > "If you don't let me go, there's going to be trouble! Tom: (Pfil) I'll sic the law on you! Mike: (Spider) HA! Tom: (Pfil) I'll call RAID! Mike: (Spider) HA! Tom: (Pfil) I'll ... I'll call Mitchell! Mike: (Spider) NO! Not Joe Don Baker! Anything but that! >The other fairies will..." Tom: ... dress like Dorothy and live in San Fransisco. >The spider just twittered and chirped out a short laugh. Mike: (Spider) Ha. You make me laugh. >He took a moment to examine Pfil's bonds to make sure that they were tight. Crow: Unlike Pfil. > Convinced that she was completely unable to move, the spider began probing Tom: (Spider) Now, to see if there really is life in Uranus ... Mike: Cr-I mean, Tom! >Pfil's body with the tips of its hairy legs. Crow: (Pfil) Jeez, even Linda Tripp doesn't go THAT long without a shave ... >He gently tickled the soft skin of her legs and arms. Tom: (Spider) Coochie-coochie-coo! > "HEY!" Pfil yelled "Hands off creep!" Mike: Actually, shouldn't that be "legs off?" Tom: Aw, now you've wounded his hand ... Crow: Because it likes to heal and it likes to steal ... Mike: Looks like he's half the spider he used to be ... >The spider continued to touch Tom: (Pfil) Hey, look and don't touch, pal! >and probe Pfil's tender young body. He tickled and carressed Mike: Before you're raped by a tarantula ... Caress! >her flesh with his hairy legs. "Knock it off!" Pfil yelled again, Crow: (Scottish) I'll knock yer bloomin' block off, baye! >but it was no use. Tom: Because, as in all rape lemons, Pfil had been reduced to a weak, stupid, former shell of herself by the will of a whacko lemon writer. > The spider moved in closer and opened its hairy jaws. A dripping, Mike: I always knew Peter Parker was a real drip ... >purplish tongue wiggled out from between the spider's mandibles. Tom: Do spiders even HAVE tongues? Crow: Do they rape blonde-haired fairies? Tom: Good point. >He placed his hot slimey tongue on Pfil's All: *shudder* >back All: *breathe a sigh of relief* Mike: Ah, good. No oral sex. Crow: Yet. >and began to slide the slippery organ across her soft backside. Tom: (Spider) You really should cut down on the Snickers, Pfil ... > "What are you doing???" Pfil demanded. The spider took one of its legs and Mike: ... shoved it. Crow: Shoved it where? Mike: Crow ... >slipped the tip under Pfil's red, lacy bra. He violently ripped the bra off, Tom: (Kuno) SPAWN OF SHEEP! I SHALL SMITE THEE! >causing Pfil to wince and cry out. Crow: (Pfil) FROINLAMEN! > "HEY! THAT HURT!" Her soft, pink tits were now exposed Bots: *drool* Mike: You two, I swear ... >to the spider's view. Crow: (Spider) One, two, three, four ... damn, gotta love segmented vision ... >she blushed redly at her nakedness. Tom: (author) Was that sentance important enough for a capital? Nah. > Pfil was confused and scared now. Mike: I know the feeling, Pfil. Believe me, I know the feeling. >She struggled against the impossibly dense webbing, but Crow: ... the impossibly stupid plot device prevented her from escaping. >couldn't free herself no matter how hard she tried. Tom: (Pfil) I think I can ... I think I can ... I think ... well, maybe not. > The spider twittered sullenly Mike: (Spider) Fine then, DON'T let me rape you. See if *I* care. >and kept licking Pfil's hot back Crow: Ooo, baby got BACK! >with his slimey, wet tongue. Pfil frowned Tom: (Pfil) Did I leave the oven on when I left? >and strained against her bonds. Mike: Bonds ... JAMES Bonds. >The spider took his leg tip and forcefully carressed Tom: "Forcefully caressed?" Isn't that a bit like "mercy killing"? >her soft breasts. The prickly hairs on the spider's legs poked at Crow: (Spider) Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. Does this bug you? >Pfil's sensative pink nipples. Crow: (Spider) OK, maybe I am ... > "Ouch!" she winced. The spider continued to molest her young breasts as >he took another leg and and Tom: Whoa ... looks like Washu's getting a litte TOO into this ... Crow: Well, hey, when you're typing with one hand, you're sure to stutter a little ... >slipped it under the lacy waistband of her red panties. Tom: (Spider) I see London, I see France ... Mike: Hmmm ... Crow: What is it, Nelson? Mike: Oh, I was just wondering how a two-inch-tall fairy got lace ... Tom: Slept with a silkworm, I'd assume. > "Oh NO!" she cried out as the spider tore her lacy panties off. Pfil was >now naked except for her red thigh-high stockings and her red arm-stockings. Bots: *drool* Mike: *sighs* You two are unbelievable ... >She blushed again Tom: (Valley Girl) Oh, gag! Like, this spider raping me is SO embarassing! Crow: (same) Like, whatEVER! Arachnids are SO last year! >as the spider placed a huge, All: *snicker* Crow: Looks like SOMEONE is living vicariously here ... >hairy arm between her legs. Tom: Spiders have arms? Mike: Not unless this is Disney ... > "Don't you dare!" she cried out. Crow: (Pfil) I'll harm you! >The spider hauled off and smacked her All: BOOO! Crow: *singing* Smack my bitch up! >accross the face, Mike: (Rocky Maivia) The Spider is about to lay the SMACK down on your roody poo fairy ass! >leaving a huge red welt on her cheek. Tears welled up Tom: (Pfil) You brute! You ruined my mascara! >in Pfil's eyes. Her blue antenae drooped in sadness and frustration. Crow: I can relate, baby. > The spider began fondling Pfil's pussy Tom: Leave Eek the Cat out of this, please! Mike: ACK! Thanks for the image, Tom ... >and tits roughly. Crow: (Spider) Heh-heh, I'm your boyfriend now! >Pfil winced every time Tom: ... a lemon writer came around, because she knew what was about to happen ... >one of the spider's coarse hairs poked into her soft skin. Crow: (English) Gad, the uncouth ruffian. >The spider grew excited Tom: ... and he just couldn't hide it! Mike: He was about to lose control, and he thought he liked it. >and worked himself into a frenzy. Crow: Ick! He's dancing with himself! Mike: Of course, if he had the chance, he'd teach the world to dance ... >He climbed closer to Pfil and possitioned Crow: Pretty snakey this spider is, ssss ... Tom: Guest narration by Ka the Python. >himself over her backside. He placed his legs tightly Mike: *CRUNCH!* Tom: (Spider) Damn! Broke another one! >around her young body Crow: As opposed to her old one. >and held himself over her. > Suddenly, his huge spider cock wriggled out fron All: Fron? Crow: Is that anything like "frogned?" Tom: Maybe he's an illiterate Discordian fnord? Mike: Or perhaps he's a large, finely divided leaf of a fern? Crow: Guys, it can be all those things, and more. >inside his abdomen. Tom: Eh, that internal genitalia'll do it to ya every time. >It writhed and wiggled down Mike: Oh, look! The spider's giving birth! Crow: So why is a rooster coming out? >toward Pfil's shaking body. Tom: Shake-shake-shake, shake-shake-shake, shake your booty ... >Sticky slime dripped Crow: Ah, it's Gak! Mike: It's what? Crow: Gak! Mike: What's wrong??? Crow: No, it's just Ga--ah, never mind ... >from the tip of the spider's cock All: ICK! Crow: That CAN'T be healthy ... >and little hot droplets of his come fell onto Pfil's pink butt. Tom: Well, when it comes, it pours, I guess ... >She felt the hot liquid Mike: Cappacino? Tom: Cocoa? Crow: Bikini wax? Mike: Crow ... >drip onto her backside and turned her head violently. Crow: ACK! She's possessed by Visuzu! Tom: Pfil the fairy IS Linda Blair in "The Exorcist." > "NO!" she screamed. Mike: *singing* Nonono-no-no-no no! >The spider slapped her again Tom: (Pimp) Don't mess wit da man, beeeyatch! >with one of his legs to silence her. Crow: He could always just cast Lightning Stab ... Tom: Fanboy. >Pfil winced from the hard slap and grew quiet. She tried again to struggle >free, Crow: (Scottish) What will you do without freedom? Will you be raped up the anus by a horny spider? OR WILL YOU FIGHT?!? Other: (apathetic) Yay. >but was held firm. Tom: VERY firm ... *drools* > The spider's hot, slimey organ Mike: Isn't that how he described the spider's tongue? Crow: Mike, stop thinking about the lemon. Just accept it, and everything will be OK. Mike: Really? Tom: Well, no, but it's fun to pretend, isn't it? Mike: *groans* >slipped wetly across Pfil's back, leaving a creamy trail of Tom: ... luscious milk chocolate! >sticky pre-come Tom: ... or not ... >on her soft flesh. as it slowly manoevered towards her exposed rear end. Crow: Ah, looks like Washu prematurely ejaculated the period ... Mike: THat's an ... interesting way to put it ... > The spider slowly placed it's hard writhing cock Tom: Foghorn Leghorn was NOT pleased! Crow: Ah say, ah say ya got ta go RAPE that fairy, boy! >against Pfil's asscheeks. Mike: Please, leave the donkey out of it ... >He slipped his hard penis between her delecate butt and spread Mike: Huh? Between her "delecate" butt and what? Tom: I think the meager hold this guy had on the English language is slipping ... Crow: That'll teach him not to use so much KY jelly ... Mike: CROW! >his dripping come between her cheeks Tom: (sickly) Spider, that ISN'T butter and she is NOT a slice of bread! >to lubricate her little pink asshole. Mike: Leave her midget jerk boyfriend out of this ... > Pfil blushed redly Crow: (Valley girl) Oh, GAG! I'm being raped up the ass! How totally ... totally ... *breaks down sobbing* Mike: There, there, Crow, it'll be OK ... Crow: I ... I'm sorry Mike ... but I hate to see poor Pfil desecrated like this ... >and squirmed as the spider molested her. The spider slipped his sticky >cock Tom: But if it was sticky, why's it slipping all over the place? >between her cheeks and put its tip on the surface of Pfil's tight virgin >asshole. Crow: Nuh-UH! I refuse to believe that with everything that's had its way with Pfil in the Bondage Fairies series, not ONE of them ever thought of getting her up the butt! Mike: There's nothin' Virgin about this Mary ... >He pushed his huge, wet cock into her forcefully. Tom: Ah, it's Droz. Mike: Why do you say that? Tom: 'Cuz he's the PUSHER, man! He's the enabler! >Pfil's tight anus was pried apart Mike: (Spider) Ugh ... urgh ... hold on, let me get my pliars ... >and violated roughly by the spider's huge cock. Crow: While my soul was torn apart and violated roughly by this evil rape lemon. > Pfil let out a yelp of pain "OUCH!" Tom: "Ouch"? Not a "AAAAIIEEE" or a "ARRRGHHH", but just "ouch"?!? >The spider's engorged dick pushed quickly into her pink ass. Mike: So hard to find pink donkeys nowadays ... Crow: OK, Mike, I think we've just about worn out the whole "donkey/ ass" schtick ... Mike: I know, I know ... but the fic is starting to get to me ... >It slid in as far as it could go, filling her warm rectum Tom: Rectum? Damn near kill 'um! >with its hard meat. Crow: Tastes like chicken! >Pfil writhed in pain and embarrassment. > The spider began pumping her tight asshole All: (German) I vant to pump ... *clap* your butt! >with hard and powerful strokes. Mike: Ah, must be a V8 under the hood. >This caused Pfil to cry out Mike: (Shamrock) GET OUTTA MY WAY!!! Tom: (Pfil) SUUUURRRGE!!!! Crow: (Pfil) Ohhhh, Spidey ... Mike: Crow ... >with each violent penetration. Tom: Rape? Violent? Surely you jest ... >"OW! Crow: (Pfil) I feel good! >OW! Tom: (Pfil) Jump back! Kiss myself! >Oooooo!" Mike: (Pfil) ... yeahhh, dig it! >she gasped. Crow: (Lloyd Bridges) By this time, my lungs were aching for asbestos! > The spider continued its assault Tom: (Spider) C'mon, c'mon ... just a few more waves and her base will fall to my mighty Zerg hordes! Mike: Been playing Starcraft much, Tom? Tom: Well hey, what else is there to do while you're suspended 5 miles above the earth? >as Pfil moaned in torment. Crow: Yea, and there shall be much weeping and gnashing of lemons ... >She clutched at her bonds Tom: (Pfil) Must ... buy ... war bonds ... where I work ... or bank ... >and winced with each powerful thrust from her rapist. Crow: But little did he know, that the bean burrito Pfil had had for lunch would soon be making its presence known ... *evil laughter* > "Ahhhhhhh....!" Mike: (Dentist) No, no, no, open WIDER ... >Pfil moaned as the naughty spider Crow: (Dr. Forrester) I'm a naughty spider! Naughty-naughty-naughty ... Mike: Crow, I TOLD you to stop doing that ... Tom: Besides, that hasn't happened yet! Crow: Tom, it's just a MSTing. You should really just relax. >reamed her tight little asshole. The spider grew excited Mike: ... and again, it just couldn't hide it. >nd sped up its lustful attack. Crow: ULTIMATE HENTAI RIFF! Mike: DARK PERVERTED COMMENT BEAM! Tom: RANDOMLY STUNG-TOGETHER WORDS ATTACK! >Pfil writhed in torment Tom: (Pfil) I just ... can't ... scratch this ... ITCH! >as her bug rapist plowed into her tortured anus. All: (Guy from Teenagers from Outer Space) TOR-CHA! >The spider's bristly eight legs clutched at Pfil's young body Crow: Doesn't he realise that the more he tightens his grip, the more nymphmaniac fairies will slip through his legs? >as she rocked back and forth, Mike: Whaaa ... so now SHE'S doing the humping? What the ... Tom: (Dee Snider) I WANNA ROCK! >still held tightly by the sticky webbing. > "Oh!" she cried. "Oh PLEASE!!!" Crow: (English) Please, sir, may I have some more? Mike: (Same) MORE?!? >The spider ignored her cries Tom: (Spider) La la la ... I'm not LISTENING! La la la ... >and continued his attack. Mike: (Spider) Once more, into the breach! Crow: Literally ... >He removed his engorged penis from her hot asshole and held it in front >of her creamy fairy pussy. Tom: Mmmmm ... creamy ... Mike: Is it half-and-half, I wonder? >The spider twittered Crow: Tut, tut ... you *are* a nympho, aren't you? >and shook Tom: (Spider) Shu-shu-shouldn't have duh-drunk that suh-suh-suuuuurge ... Crow: (Thinker) Then, spider explode. Mike: Wait for it, wait for it ... >in anticipation. Mike: Initiate Rocky Horror riff now! Crow: (Frank N. Furter) I see you shiver .... with antici- (long pause) Crow: -pation. Tom: That's a classic ... >Pfil glanced over her shoulder and sighed Crow: (Pfil) Oh, damn. I'm getting anally raped. Ah, well. >"Oh please let me go!!" she begged. All: *singing* Let my heart go ... > The spider clutched at her flesh with its strong legs Tom: (Spider) Man, this Thighmaster really works! >and violently THRUST All: *fly backward into their seats* Tom: NELSON! Did you sit on the remote control again? Mike: It wasn't me! >into Pfil's pink pussy. Mike: See? It's back to normal! Crow: Ah, good. For a second there, I thought it was green. >The spider began pumping her quickly, Mike: *singing* Pumping her quickly with his ... Tom: Mike, if you *ever* sing the Fugees again, I will kill you. Do you understand? >twittering with grunts of pleasure. Crow: How exactly can one "twitter" and grunt at the same time? Tom: The same way girls in tentacle rape hentai can take about a billion phalli at once ... Crow: Very carefully? Tom: Exactly. >Pfil gasped in torment as the spider raped her hot cunt. Mike: Really? I thought he was raping her leg. Crow: *shudders* Just got a flashback of "Dark Starr's DSVAM"... > "Oh God!" Tom: You devil? >she cried. The spider moved its front two legs Crow: (Spider) Wave yo hands in the ayah like ya just don't cayah! >to Pfil's chest and roughly carressed her soft pink tits. Mike: As opposed to the hard yellow ones. >She blushed redly as she was violated. Crow: (Violator) You've been Violated, girly-man! >Tears of torment trickled down her pink cheeks. Tom: This is how I feel every time I come in here ... > Ths spider grew more and more excited Mike: Bully for him. Tom: Pick a viewpoint and stick with it, wouldja? >as he pumped Pfil's wet pussy. Tom: Ick ... I hate the smell of wet fur. Crow: Wrong pussy, Tom ... >He opened his jaws Mike: (Pfil) Whew! Take a breath mint, fella! >and slipped his slimey tongue across Pfil's back. Tom: What IS it with this guy and backs? Crow: An odd fetish ... Mike: Not quite as bad as arachnophila, though ... >Pfil winced Crow: (Pfil) Pauly Shore made ANOTHER movie? >as the spider's hot saliva coated the pink flesh of her back. Tom: Bondage Fairies! Tasty pink flesh in a colorful coating of spider slobber. Mike: (sickly) Thanks for that image, Tom ... > Pfil strained at her sticky bonds but to no avail. Crow: For she WOULD pay her annual fee! >Her arachnid rapist had spun an unbreakable web. Tom: Oh what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to write rape lemons ... >Pfil's pussy was getting hot All: *groan* Crow: OK, here's XXX Cliche #502; All rape victims inevitably wind up enjoying it. >from all the pumping action Mike: INTENSE ... PUMPING ... ACTION! >and she gasped as she felt tingles in her little pink clit. Tom: Is there anything about this girl that ISN'T pink? Crow: That's what happens when you have Steven Tyler book the talent ... > The spider sensed her excitement Mike: (Austin Powers) Do I make you horny, baby? >and pumped her cunt faster. Tom: (Pfil) What is with you? Always it's faster, harder, deeper! Can't you ever just enjoy it? >Soon, in spite or her torment, Mike: So, she's either doing it out of spite or because she's tormented? >Pfil felt her clit burn with pleasure. Tom: I'm starting to think this lemon was written out of spite ... >The spider was ready Crow: ARE YOU READY?!? Tom: No, not really ... Crow: Well, damn. >as well and began a series of deep, wet thrusts into Pfil's tortured pussy. Mike: Yeah, I always did feel sorry for poor Scratchy ... > Pfil gasped loudly as her clit caught on fire All: *singing* Try to set the clit on fire ... >with pleasure. "Ohhhhh...!" Mike: ... my darlin', ohhhh my darlin'... >she moaned. The spider ramed his hard cock into her as his orgasm increased. Tom: As did our nausea. Mike: How can an orgasm "increase?" It's either there, or it isn't. >Pfil's clit tingled Crow: Ah, that's how you know it's working. >as wave after wave of hot pleasure tore through her pussy. Mike: This sex scene is sounding more and more like a Starcraft campaign ... >"Ahhhhhhhhhh...!" Tom: ... My Goddess? >she gasped as her pussy vibrated in orgasm. Mike: As opposed to vibrating in a yawn. >Her spider rapist pumped deeply into her cunt and held his twitching rod >inside her Tom: That is a TERRIBLE misuse of a Fire Wand ... >as he came. Both of them arched their backs and moaned as they came. Mike: Orgasm scene directed by Koopa. Crow: But I thought they were already there? > Pfil's wet pussy squirted her silky femanine liquids Tom: Ah, so Pfil's a gusher, too. Crow: Is there ANY girl in all of lemondom that doesn't squirt cum when she goes off? Mike: Hmmm ... none that I can think of ... >all over the spider's throbbing cock Crow: (Spider) Oh, look at the mess you made! Bad fairy! >as she came. Tom: *singing* She'll be spurtin' on his penis when she comes ... Mike: *sickly* Tom, you're NOT helping ... >The spider's intruding penis spurted it's huge creamy load Crow: Man, Metallica has sunk to a new low here ... >into Pfil's unprotected womb. Mike: Apparently the spider was silly and didn't cover his willy. >She could feel the warm liquid slosh about inside her as the creamy sperm >coated the interior of her womb. All: ... Crow: Y'know, this is STILL moderately more dignified than being raped by an earthworm ... Mike: Say WHAT?!? Tom: Trust me, Nelson. You don't want to know. > Pfil gasped for breath as her climax subsided. Mike: Geez, Wrestlemania XV wasn't THAT great ... >The spider clutched at her body, breathing heavily. Tom: (Spider) Must ... *puff* ... find ... *weaze* ... inhaler ... >He finally withdrew his spent rod from Pfil's wet, violated pussy. Crow: (Spider) Well, that was fun. Lunch? >It slipped out of her dripping cunt, covered in both of their creamy wet >sex juice. Tom: Try NEW and improved sex juice! Not from concentrate! >The sticky, slimey mix Mike: If this guy starts talking about Wheat Chex, I'm leaving, air or no air! >trickled out of Pfil's pussy in creamy strands. Tom: I'm picturing a Milky Way for some reason ... Crow: New Improved Bondage Fairies ... now with a creamy nougat center! > The spider placed his member on Pfil's pink bottom and rubbed it back and >forth accross her butt. Mike: I didn't know spiders were capable of multiple climaxes ... Crow: Mike, this is the world of fanfiction. EVERYONE is. >His slimey cock Tom: Slimer, NO! Mike: They don't get much more obscure than that, folks ... >spread his slippery come all over her backside Crow: Slippery when wet. *pause* Literally ... >as he rubbed his dick against her flesh. Pfil sighed in defeat Mike: (Pfil) Ah, well. Win some, get raped by others. Tom: (Pfil) Shit happens, I guess ... Crow: Again, literally ... >as the spider slowly massaged her tits with his front legs. Tom: Wax on, wax off ... Mike: This fic ... Crow: ... whacks off. > The spider twittered and chirped Mike: So now it's a bird? The hell?!? >with satisfaction as he examined his captive once more. Tom: (Spider) Mmmm ... beefy! >Pfil tried in vain to struggle against her restraints once more. Crow: Because, really, what fun would it be if she could actually DO something? >She shivered in anticipation of what her rapist had planned for her next. Mike: (Spider) Now we shall watch Backstreet Boys videos! Mwahahaha! Bots: God, the horror ... > Suddenly, another spider of the same species appeared Crow: 'Cause, y'know, a rape is always more fun if it's a gang. Mike: Something stupid this way comes ... >and crawled up the web next to Pfil. Tom: (Spider) Aren't these rape scenes phoney? >It twittered and chirped at the first spider, Tom: *nods thoughfully* Mike: Tom? Tom: Shhh! I'm listening! Mike: You mean you can understand them? Tom: Yup! Right now the second spider's giving his dissertation upon the political system of the Middle East ... Mike: Really? Tom: Either that, or how much Starrcade '97 sucked. I can't be sure. >who seemed to nod slightly as it responded with a chirp. Crow: (Spider 1) Haikeeba. > Pfil gasped in horror Tom: (Pfil) Their furs clash! >as the new spider crawled over to where she was hanging in the web. Mike: Little miss Pfil, hung on a web, getting raped by a tarantula ... Tom: Along came a second spider, who sat down beside her ... Crow: Guys ... that doesn't rhyme ... Both: WE DON'T CARE! >It crawled onto her back and positioned its abdomen in her face. Crow: Oh god ... looks like this spider's been taking cues from DX ... >Pfil's eyes grew wide Tom: (Pfil) Oh no! I've become manga-ized! Mike: Weren't they already pretty wide to begin with? Tom: Details, details ... >as she saw a huge slimey cock wriggle out from the spider's abdomen. Crow: (Foghorn Leghorn) I say, I say how ya doin' there, girl? Mike: (Ash) This is my BOOM stick ... >The black, dripping penis Tom: Ick ... that CAN'T be healthy ... >writhed and shook as it extended away from the spider's body. Mike: Y'know, I could've sworn we've seen this before ... > Pfil gasped "NO!" Tom: Oh, *that's* really gonna help ... >but the spider's cock pushed against her mouth and forcefully entered her. Crow: *sadly* When Degeneration X members go bad. >The throbbing cock slipped past her soft lips and invaded her mouth. Mike: And again, the Starcraft lemon scene rears its ugly head. >The sticky slime that dripped from its tip Tom: (Pfil) Ewww ... you might wanna have that looked at ... >burned Pfil's mouth Crow: (Pfil) Oooo! Spicy! >as the huge cock pushed down her throat. Tom: So how could she breathe? Mike: Tom, it's just a lemon. You should really just relax. >Pfil gagged Crow: (Valley Girl) Oh, gag me! >as her mouth was cock-raped. The new spider began pumping her mouth >violently as Pfil writhed in pain and terror. Tom: ... Y'know, I'm starting to MISS Kefka ... > The first spider went to work on Pfil's pussy again. Crow: (Spider) It's a dirty job, but ... >This time, he spread her young legs widely Tom: Ah, yes, young Pfil always was rather flexible ... >and cramed her pussy violently with its hard cock. Crow: Crammed full of semeny goodness! Mike: *sickly* CROW ... > Pfil winced with each thrust of her rapist's hot spider meat. Tom: (New York Vendor) Spider meat, here! Spider meat! Get it while it's hot! Crow: So *THAT'S* what those hot dogs are made from ... Mike: *burp* Ugh ... >Tears from her tightly closed eyes cascaded down her pink cheeks. Crow: (Pfil) Damn onions ... >Hot creamy slime dripped down her chin Tom: Looks like Pfil's a messy eater ... >as the second spider pumped his wet meat past Pfil's young pink lips. The >spicy come All: "Spicy"?!? Crow: What, so it's a Mexican spider now? Mike: Crow! You'll get us flamed! Crow: Bring 'em on! I *FEEL* like tearing someone's ass up after this! Tom: (Spider) Sorry about that ... I kinda like Italian ... >burned her lips Crow: (Spider) Was it not a good idea to bring the pepper-flavored condom? >and she winced as the spider kept plowing her soft mouth. Tom: Pl ... ah, now I get it. Actually a little clever. Others: Huh?!? Tom: See, "fucking" was originally a term for planting seeds in the ground, so ... Others: Ahhhh. > The first spider nailed her wet pussy Crow: (Bob Villa) Craftsman hammers! For all your pussy-hammering needs. >as fast as it could, Tom: (Spider) Must go faster, must go faster, mustgofaster, gogogogogogo ... >ready for its second hot climax. Crow: (Guy from Delta Knights) I'm COOOOMING! >Pfil rocked back and forth Mike: For those about to rock ... we salute you. >under the pistoning of her two attackers. Tom: (Pfil) Just my luck to get raped by a lousy four-cylinder ... >She could feel tingles in her pussy Crow: Ah, that's how you know the lemon's working. >as the fist spider raped her savagely. Mike: *sickly* Ooo. Yeah. Dig it. Tom: You okay, Mike? (Mike doesn't answer, but instead gets up and runs off-screen. The sound of vomiting is very clear) Crow: Poor meatware. > The new spider began pumping her mouth deeply Tom: (Stoner) Dude ... that is *deep*. (Mike vomits yet again) Crow: Mike, you *ARE* cleaning that up, I hope you know ... >and Pfil could sense Crow: (Pfil) I'm sensing ... I'm sensing ... Tom: What? What are you sensing? Crow: (Pfil) I'm sensing that this fic really, really sucks ... >that he was about to shoot his spider come down her throat. Tom: (Spider) Over the lips ... Crow: (Ditto) Across the gums ... Bots: LOOK OUT STOMACH ... Mike: GUYS! >She tried protest, but her mouth was full of slimey cock. Tom: So she tried bombing the spider's airports instead. Mike: *shambles back to his seat* I hate when that happens ... Crow: You OK, Mike? Mike: Yeah. Remind me to call the nanites in here after the fic's over, because there's a pretty bad mess in the corner ... Tom: Sure thing, Mike. > Suddenly, the second spider twitched in agitation. Tom: He really oughta have that tic looked at ... Crow: But it's a spider, not a tick ... Tom: Crow, shut up. Crow: *snickers* >It writhed and clutched at Pfil's body, Mike: (Spider) My binky! >squeezing her tightly Crow: (Spider) I will love her and rape her and call her George! >and drawing trickles of blood Mike: Oh, big deal. I can do that, too. *whips out a sketch pad and pencil* Tom: Our sight gag of the evening, ladies and gentlemen! >as each of its hairy legs bit into her soft skin. > The oral action spider Tom: INTENSE ... BLOWJOB ... ACTION! Mike: "Oral action"? Is that anything like a Kung Fu Grip? Crow: God, I hope not ... >pumped his cock deeply down Pfil's throat, Crow: (Spider) Eat it boy, EAT IT! Mike: Obscure, Crow. Crow: So? >making her wince and gag. His hard cock twitched and vibrated. Tom: It has to be said ... Mike: Go ahead, Tom, if it'll make you feel better. Tom: Thank you. (Little Spider) Suh-suh-SUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRGE! >Suddenly, it squirted Crow: (Spider) Heh-heh, like my Super Soaker? Mike: You disgust me. Crow: Why, thank you. >a huge stream of hot, creamy liquid down Pfil's throat. Tom: It was ... *gasp* WARM KOOL-AID! All: The horror! >It poured down her violated throat in hot, sticky globs. Mike: So, it's hot, then. Crow: I think that's what he's trying to say ... >The gooey, burning liquid collected in her tummy Tom: Y'know, spider cum goes straight to your hips. Crow: THAT explains a lot ... Tom: Why you ...! *lunges at Crow* Mike: Hey, hey! Settle, you two! Crow: We're sorry, Mike ... Tom: It's just ... this lemon is so WRONG ... Mike: I know, I know. Just stay frosty, and we'll survive. Alright? Bots: Alright. >and sloshed around in a hot pool. > Pfil gagged Tom: Which you've already SAID about a hundred times since the blowjob started! Mike: This fanfic brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department. >as some of the hot slime squirted out her mouth Crow: Give your thirst a squirt! Mike: I'd rather not ... >and trickled down her chin and neck. Tom: (Pfil) Damn trickle-down economics ... >It burned wherever it touched her skin. Mike: Y'know, it's a little-known fact that spider semen is actually 60% ethenol. Bots: *nod sagely* > The oral spider sighed heavily Tom: (Spider) It's a living ... >and slowly pulled its spent cock from Pfil's raped mouth. Crow: (Spider) Better take it out before she remembers she has teeth ... >Huge globs of hot sticky cum Mike: ALRIGHT, already! It's *hot*! We GET it! Bots: Whoa! Tom: Settle, Mike ... Mike: *mumbling* Serenity now ... serenity now ... >dribbled down her chin as the spider removed its rape-organ from her burning >mouth. Crow: Y'know, as a robot with male programming, I take offense at that. Tom: Yeah! The penis is more than just an instrument of rape, buddy! Mike: You tell 'em, guys! > The other spider was pumping Pfil's pink little cunt as fast as it could. Bots: ... Mike: Now if only *this* guy knew that ... >It was deep thrusting her, nailing her little pussy Tom: (Spider) Now ... to bring the HAMMER down! Mike: Please, leave out-of-style rappers out of this ... >in powerful strokes. Pfil gasped Crow: (Pfil) I'm missing Seinfeld! >and winced and cried as her attacker used her young body. Tom: Dark Starr, this is your life ... > The spider thrust into her deeply one more time Mike: (Spider) Eh, what the hell. One for the road. >and clutched at Pfil's sides. Crow: (Spider) No, MY binky! >His hot cock blasted his second hot stream of jizz into Pfil's unprotected >womb. Tom: Does Washu KNOW any adjectives other than "hot"? >More hot spider sperm Tom: Guess not. >squirted into her uterus and filled her womanly cavities. Crow: For, as anyone who's visited Sakura's Archive knows, women are 30% cum and 70% empty space. >The burning hot slime filled every inch of her pussy and womb. Mike: Well, at least he's thorough. >The spider slowly relaxed Tom: (Spider) There. Now just sit back and wait for the movie-of-the-week contracts to start rollin' in. >and let go of Pfil, withdrawing its limp cock from her slippery, violated >pussy. Crow: Is it too much to hope that it's broken? Mike: Afraid so, little buddy. Crow: Damn. > Pfil gasped and sighed in exhaustion. Tom: (Pfil) I'm tired. Wake me up when the lemon's over. >She was covered in sex juice. Tom: Pfil! There are kids in Ethiopia who're dying of thirst, and you hog ALL the sex juice to yourself! Mike: *sickly again* TOM ... >The white slime coated her from head to toe. Crow: When the Stay-Puffed Marshmellow Man goes bad. >It burned her skin and made her slippery and hot. Mike: Because God knows we need to get our "hot" quota in ... > The two spiders backed away from her and relaxed, Tom: (Spider) Ah, nothing like kickin' back after a hard day of raping fairies ... >breathing huge sighs of relief after their hot Mike: ARRRRGHHHHHH!!!!! Tom: Mike, calm down! Mike: *bashing his head into the seat in front of him* I just ... *BAM!* ... can't ... *BAM!* ... take it anymore! *BAM!* Crow: Tom, hold him down! (Tom moves to stop Mike, while Crow does the same) Tom: It's OK, Mike! We're here ... Mike: Hot ... I'm hot ... it's hot in here ... *sobs* Crow: Easy there, Mike. Here, have some Prozak. Mike: (hopefully) Candy? Crow: Sure, Mike. Here, have the whole bottle. Mike: YAY! *begins rocking back and forth, a la Mankind* Bots: Damn ... >love making. Crow: You call THAT making love?!? Mike: Heehee ... I love pizza, Steve! Tom: Oh, no ... he's lost it ... >Pfil just lay there, immobile and completely exhausted. Tom: Yeah, I feel like that too, when I don't get my coffee. Mike: *suddenly standing up* COFFEEE!!! Tom: Crow, NOW! (Suddenly, Crow moves forward, driving a needle into Mike's rear end. Mike screams and falls, standing back up a moment later) Mike: Whoa ... what was THAT all about? Crow: Oh, you turned into Mic Foley for a second there. Don't worry, you're fine, now. Tom: Yeah, the rape scene's over, see? Mike: Thanks, guys. You both get an extra RAM chip after the fic. Bots: WHOO-HOO! > Eventually, the first spider shambled over to her Crow: (Spider) Heh, sorry about that. Just got a little carried away. Tom: (Pfil) Oh, no problem. Lunch? >and began spinning a new web. > "Ohhhh..." Pfil moaned "Why did you rape me like that...?" Mike: (Spider) Hey, YOU try climbing up waterspouts all day ... > Again, the spider ignored her. Tom: Ah, ignoring the audience. The first sign of a great performer. > "Oh...it HURT!" she gasped. Crow: (Spider) Well, DUUUUH ... > The spider kept spinning his web Tom: (Spider) Nope, nothin' to see here, just a spider spinnin' a web ... >and Pfil saw that he was wrapping her tightly in the strong webbing. Mike: And she just now noticed? Damn, she *IS* a natural blonde ... >She frowned began to struggle again weakly. All: ...? >The spider spun a tight web Crow: (Basketball coach) OK, we've gotta put on a tight defense. I want you to *keep* that naked fairy from getting the ball, you hear me? >around Pfil until she was completely coated in the sticky white stuff. Tom: I thought she was already coated in white stuff ... Crow: Different kind, my friend. Mike: Looks like she didn't use Right Guard ... >A passing fairy wouldn't even be able to tell that one of her comrades was >trapped inside the finely spun sarcophagus. Mike: Because you can't have a character that's smarter than its author ... > When Pfil was bound tightly, the spiders drew in close Tom: (Pfil) Gather 'round, I wanna tell you a ghost story ... >and hovered around her. Crow: Hovered? They're hummingbirds now? Mike: This is harder to keep up with than one of those AAA shapeshifter matches ... >Pfil kept struggling and gasping inside the web wrappings. Tom: Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is she? > "Please let me go..." she begged her attackers. "Oh god, PLEASE!" Crow: (Spider) Yeah, look, we're gonna have to check with our manager about that, 'cuz we're really not supposed to let anyone go ... > Pfil continued to moan softly All: !!! Crow: What is she DOING in there?!? Tom: My god! Like being raped by two spiders at once wasn't enough?!? Mike: Guys, I am officially ashamed of my species now. >as the spiders looked their prize over. Tom: (Spider)Wow, this is a helluva lot nicer than that jello we got last time ... Crow: Bondage Fairy door prizes. I have *gotta* start going to more parties ... >Suddenly, the fist spider lunged forward All: WA-TAK!!! Tom: Yes, it's The Fist KILLS Everyone 2; The Spider Years! >and bit down hard Crow: (Dr. Forrester) BITE DOWN HARD, BOOBIES! Mike: Crow, do that again you won't get your RAM chip. Crow: Awwww ... >on Pfil's tummy with its sharp mandibles. Tom: (JR) It's the Mandible Bite! Mah God, the carnage! > "OUCH!!!!" All: *snicker* Tom: "Ouch?" You just got your guts ripped out by a spider and all you can say is "ouch"??? >Pfil screamed as the spider bit into her delicate flesh. Crow: "Delicate"? Ah, she must be made out of peanut brittle. Tom: (Pfil) Be careful! I'm fragile! >The second spider lunged forward Mike: As he suddenly heard someone scream, "SUUUUURRRRGE!!!!" >and bit into her soft breasts. Bots: (singing) Nipples and tits, nipples and tits, we're gonna get some ... Mike: That's ENOUGH, you two ... > "OH GOD!" she screamed. The spiders began sucking the life out of Pfil. Crow: Bela Legosi IS Peter Parker in "Pfil's Spider Troubles!" >They leasurly extracted her blood Tom: New Improved Bondage Fairies! Now you can suck the warm lifeblood from their bodies at your own convenience! Crow: Please keep refrigerated before use. >as Pfil moaned and screamed periodically. Mike: Oh, reminds me of a Marilyn Manson concert I read about. Crow: Including the naked fairy? Mike: ESPECIALLY the naked fairy ... > Pfil winced in pain and terror Tom: I can relate, Pfil. By the Maker, can I relate ... >and clawed at the web she was trapped in. Crow: (Pfil) Damn Internet Explorer's locked up AGAIN! >The spiders kept sucking at her flesh. Mike: (Spider) Oh, great idea, Fred! This is the last time I use a straw to eat the naked fairy... >Soon, her soft breasts were covered in blood.... Tom: And the Brood promptly came in and kicked their asses for stealing their schtick. > > Mike: Alright! The evil cannibalism scene's over! Crow: And there was much rejoicing. > Days later, Pamela was out searching for her lost friend Pfil. Tom: And it took her this long to notice? Crow: Actually, that sounds pretty IC for Pam ... >She flew through the forest Mike: ... with the greatest of ease ... Crow: (Pamila) Oh, hi Ator. How's the hang glider? >desperately, trying to find the wayward fairy. Tom: Apparently, the "Have you seen this fairy?" posters didn't work ... Crow: Wasn't this the plot of an episode of South Park? >When Pfil hadn't returned from her sweep of the forest, Pamela Crow: ... shrugged and went out to screw a weasel. >had just about gone crazy! Tom: OK, now THAT'S OOC ... > "Where, oh where is my darling Pfil?" Pamela said to herself sadly. All: ... Crow: This is NOT my Pamila. This is some bizarre defilement of her personality. Tom: In that she actually has one? Crow: EXACTLY! Where's my charming nymphomaniac who only cares about where her next lay's coming from? >She flew though the forest asking all the bugs and creatures if they had >seen Mike: Her actual personality. >her precious Pfil. She hadn't had ANY luck at all for a whole week. Crow: And BOY was she getting horny ... > "Please don't let her be dead!" Pamela cried to herself, Tom: So she prays to herself, then? Crow: Ah, now THAT'S more like it ... >feeling hopeless. She flew through the underbrush Crow: Now that REALLY sounds like Pamila ... >at a quick pace, Crow: Actually, I always though of her as more the type to stop and smell the tuna ... Mike: Enough, Crow ... >searching and listening for any sign of her precious Pfil. Tom: (Pamila) Where is preciousss, Gollum, Gollum ... > Suddenly, a shape loomed before her. Bots: ARRRGHHHH!!! Crow: Save us, Mike! The fic is skipping! Mike: Calm down, guys! Stay frosty ... Tom: Frosty? FROSTY?!? THIS FIC IS A %(**ING MOBIUS STRIP AND YOU'RE TELLING ME TO STAY FROSTY?!? ARRRGHHHHH!!!! *head explodes* Mike: Damn ... >Before she could react, she flew head first into a SPIDER WEB...! Crow: *insanely* SorryI'mnothomerightnowwalkinginthespiderwebleavea messageANDI'LLCALLYOUBAAAAAAAAAAA ... *explodes* Mike: *sigh* I hope you're happy, Forrester ... Dr. F: *over loudspeaker* Quite, actually! > > THE END Mike: Damn ... they almost made it the whole way, too ... *takes out a robot- repairing kit and starts putting Crow back together* > >____________________________________________________________________________ Mike: *putting the finishing touches on Crow* Looks like the fic is finally flatlining ... *starts Crow back up* Crow: ... ck! Huh? Is it still going on? Mike: Nah, there's just a little disclaimer. Can you riff it while I put Tom's head back on? Crow: Sure, Mike. > >This story may be distributed freely, Crow: Oh, MAY I? >as long as FULL credit is given to the author. > Crow: Oh, trust me, you're getting ALL the credit for this one ... Mike: *reboots Tom* Tom: Huh? What? Did I blow up again? Mike: Yup. Don't worry, though, it's all over. Crow: Then let's get outta here ... Tom: Please, let's. (All exuent) <.69 ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7) (SoL. The crew looks haggard, but alive. Crow has a strip of duct tape running down the center of his head, while Tom's "neck" looks slightly scorched. Mike's eyes are bloodshot, and his hair is severely mussed) Mike: Well, guys, I think that particular little lemon put a new meaning to "Deep Hurting" ... Crow: You ain't kiddin'... Mike: But, hey, we all survived with our sanity intact, right? Tom: Well, yeah. And hey, at least it was pretty short. Crow: Yeah, it could've been one of those monsters like "Oscar Toon" or "Neo-Scouts"... All: *shudder* Magic Voice: Not only that, but you have a couple of visitors, I under- stand ... Mike: Really? Cool! Haven't had one of those in awhile ... (The hexfield 'wooshes' open. Behind it, stand two scantily-clad fairies, one blonde, the other brunette. Both seem somewhat shamefaced) Blonde: Uhm, hello? Crow: Holy ... Pamila and Pfil! From the Bondage Fairies universe, right? Pamila: Ah, you know us, then! Tom: Boy, DO we ... Mike: Settle, boys ... Pfil: (blushes) Listen, we just really, really want to apologize for that fic you just had to read ... Pamila: (also blushing) Yeah. Look, we were young and stupid back then, and we needed the money ... Pfil: And we were getting in trouble with the IRS ... Pamila: The bastards were even threatening to take away my Overfiend Perfect Collection! Pfil: And then this strange man with hairy hands offered us a thousand bucks to star in his lemon ... Pamila: And it turned out to be Canadian, at that ... cheap bastard ... Pfil: ANYWAY ... we just wanted to say that we're really, really sorry. (Crow and Tom have been gawking the entire time, Crow actually drooling a thin stream of WD-40. Mike is slightly more composed ... very slightly) Mike: Oh, hey, no problem. I mean, we all come across hard times sooner or later ... Pfil: Oh, we're so glad you're so understanding! But I still feel like we owe you something... Pamila: *grinning* Oh, Pfil ... I can think of something ... *whispers in her ear* Pfil: A live sex show? In front of everyone? Pamila: Hey, it's the least we can do ... Pfil: *shrugging* Oh, all right ... (Crow promptly keels over. Mike turns, reluctantly, to Cambot, as the MADs light flashes) Mike: Wha ... whattaya think, sirs? *taps it* (D-13. T.V.'s Frank still stands resolutely in the middle of the main room, despite Dr. Forrester's efforts) Dr. F: Dammit, Frank, I'm not going to tell you again! You're not welcome here! Frank: Uh-huh. Sure. I've heard *that* before. Dr. F: Frank, this isn't like the last time I fired you. This time I have a perfect replacement in the lovely Rei, here. *reaches off-camera, and pulls a Rei clone in close* Rei: ... Why are you touching me? Dr. F: You'll understand later. *to Frank* Now, I'm giving you five seconds to pack your things, before I have to kill you. Frank: Been there, done that... Dr. F: ARRRGHHHH!!! *grabs Frank and hurls him into the console, pushing the Button as he does so* (FWOOSH!) THE ANARKIST'S NOTES: Mah God ... I still can't believe I MSTed that thing! If *you* thought it was bad ... you should've tried living with the damned thing. This MSTing has taken longer than any of my others has ... or at least, the longest that actually worked out. Ah, well. It's a labor of love. And, of course, I couldn't do it without my fans' support (both of you ... :P). Thanks, guys! DEDICATIONS: To all my friends at SVAM, for being there; to Lynxara, for finding this fic for me in the first place (so it's all on her head ^_^), and my editor, the Placid Jack Acid. Thanks, guys! MSA3K EPISODE GUIDE -------------------- 101-Lady Death: The Summoning 102-Warrior Sisters 103-Warrior Sisters 2: The Flesh Is Weak 104-Pfil's Spider Troubles OTHER PROJECTS -------------------- Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000(w/ Malissa Thomas) #-101 Religious Spam #-102 Urusei X; The Yatsura Files Part I Group MSTings Sailor Moon VS Tickle-Me Elmo(w/ John Hurst) The Fist KILLS Everyone(w/ Akodo X) >Before she could react, she flew head first into a SPIDER WEB...!