The Fist KILLS Everyone Original Author: Issei "the 6th Child" Mataloun Team MSTed by Akodo X and Oni AKODO'S NOTES: Well... this is my third MSTing and this fic was too bad to pass up. With fellow MSTer Oni, I'll riff this one to pieces, I'm sure. Also, I hope you like the little commercial I put in. Just taking a cue from Crowbar. ^_^; Enjoy the fic people... ONI'S NOTES: Here's our riffing of this unpleasant little tale. I've included a host segment I was going to use to open out my "Mystery Lemon Theater 69,000" series, but it'll fit here, too. Legal Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Fist of the North Star is copyrighted by its respective owner(s). 'The Fist KILLS Everyone' is the property of Issei Mataloun and he's welcome to it. All other references to any other anime characters or situations are used without permission but no harm is meant to their respective owner(s). It's just a MSTing, you really should relax. [INT. SOL. TOM and CROW are arguing, as usual] MIKE: Hey there, Mike Nelson here on the Sattelite of Love. Yup, I'm still stuck here in space. Tom and Crow over there are having an argument over who would win, Lum from Urusei Yatsura or Shampoo from Ranma 1/2. Let's watch. TOM: No, you blathering *idiot*, Shampoo would knock that green-haired alien's butt out of her tiger-striped underwear! CROW: No way, bubblehead. Not only is Lum *infinitely* more sensual that that purple-haired slut of yours ... TOM: SLUT?!? Why you ... CROW: ... Have you also forgotten that she can fly and shoot lightning from most bodily orifices, many of which Mike won't let me say? TOM: SO?!? ALL the Ranma 1/2 characters are capable of jumping hundreds of feet in the air, not to mention that in the raw strength department, Shampoo would snap her in half like the plot of a Ratliff story ... [The argument gets dirty. The two bots begin fighting. Commercial sign flashes.] MIKE: We'll be right back. [Cue Commercial] [The words "12 free minutes" flash on the screen. A spokeswoman for the Psychic Friends Network appears in front of the camera.] LADY: That's right! We're giving you 12 free minutes with your own personal psychic! It's so free that you call on an 800 number! Just listen to what our psychics are saying! [Cut to spokeswoman and two psychics sitting on couches while talking on the phone.] PSYCHIC #1: Ahh... I feel you have a lot of women in your life... TENCHI: Yeah... PSYCHIC #1: ... and you're kinda confused as who to give your affections to... TENCHI: Hey! You're right! So who do I choose? PSYCHIC #2: Well... is there royalty in your household? TENCHI: Yeah! PSYCHIC #2: Good because I kept feeling that there was nobility in your life. Go for it. TENCHI: You think so? Wow... ok. LADY: If you're not convinced by now that our psychics are real, then call 1-800-PSYCHIC and get your free... [The spokeswoman is interrupted by a large explosion in the TV studio. Out of the large hole in the wall storms in Ryoko, eyes glaring and fists crackling with energy. Dangerous and very destructive energy.] RYOKO: Alright, who in the hell said that you could choose that Jurian slut Aeka for my Tenchi?! I hope you've got life insurance, lady, 'cause you're gonna need it after I'm done with you! [Ryoko advances on the three hapless actors and begins to fling energy bolts left and right. Explosions break out everywhere as the actors flee in terror. The camera is shooting all this lovely footage until Ryoko walks up to it, strikes her most kawaii pose, and then smashes it into bits of plastic and metal.] [End commercial] [INT SOL. TOM is missing a chunk out of his dome, while Crow's net is on backwards. They're still arguing] CROW: Lum! TOM: Shampoo! CROW: LUM! TOM: SHAMPOO! CROW: LUM!!!!! TOM: SHAMPOO!!!!! [MADS light flashes.] MIKE: Hey, pipe down, you two. Al Snow and Hed are calling. CROW: (pause) Lum. TOM: Shampoo! [DEEP 13. TV'S FRANK looks dazed, as usual, while DR. F chuckles gleefully.] FRANK: Actually, I always had a soft spot for Sailor Mars, myself ... DR. F: Silence, plebeian. Hello Nelson. Everything going well up there, I hope? [SOL. CROW and TOM are skulking in their seperate corners.] MIKE: Oh, just fine, thanks. I had to give the 'Bots here a Time-Out before one of them started hurling thermonuclear weapons. [DEEP 13] DR. F: What a pity. Your experiment this week ... [SOL] MIKE: But what about the Invention Exchange? [DEEP 13] DR. F: Oh, that old thing? We ran out of raw materials here in Deep 13 and Gizmonic Institute won't give me the money I need to make new ones. Anyway, your experiement this week is an unfortunately short little piece of drivel called "The Fist KILLS Everyone," by the same genius who brought you "Hellstorm Evangelion", Issei Mataloun, and it's very painful. Send them the hurt, Frank. FRANK: Yes, your lemony-freshness. [Klaxons and general chaos] ALL: We've got barely-literate SIIIIGN!!! Crow: Lum! Tom: ShamPOOOOO ... (Door 7-It's a dogbone, what else?) (Door 6-A wall of shimmering light. It turns off long enough for you to sprint through.) (Door 5-It bursts into flames and disintegrates.) (Door 4-It's made of foot-thick metal. You pull out a rocket launcher and blow a large hole in it.) (Door 3-A cave entrance. Bats fly past you as you dash inside.) (Door 2-It splits down the middle horizontally, then snaps shut behind you, missing your shirttail by nanometers.) (Door 1-A black metal door. It splits in an X, and you clearly hear someone say, "Suck it".) (Door .69-It's a black hole. You get sucked into the theater.) Crow: Lum! Tom: Shampoo! Mike: That's enough, you guys! Either shut up or no RAM chips for the rest of the week. Bots: *grumble* > "The Fist KILLS everyone!" Crow: EVERYONE? It's the Infinity Gauntlet all over again! Tom: Thing's gone on a rampage! Run for your lives! All: (hum the theme to Addams Family and snap their fingers) > by Issei mataloun!!!!!!!!!! Mike: Uhm ... yes? Crow: That's not a name, that's a grammar error! Tom: He's a menial suit, so? Crow: What? Tom: Satan emu I soil! Mike: What the hell are you talking about? Tom: He's a MINUTIAE LASSO! Mike: OK, that's it, I'm switching off your anagram generator. Tom: Fury awe nun woo! Crow: Great, the author's name is attracting exclamation marks. > YES!!! All: NO!!! > I always wanted to write this! Crow: Well, we never wanted to read it. > Hahahahahahahahhaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tom: How in the sanscratch does he get all those exclamation points in there? Crow: YEAH, ALL I CAN MANAGE IS THREE!!! Mike: He is truly gifted. > This is the first time Ive ever ritten a funny fanfic................. >I hope you like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All: Don't worry, we won't! Mike: Who's Ive? > ken went into the room Tom: This is going to be VERY painful, isn't it, Mike? Mike: Yes, Tom, it is. They said it was short, though. > and saw yuu All: ME?!? Crow: No, wait, I think he/she's supposed to be an anime character. > and miki having sex on the couhc they loked at him scared and sayed Crow: (Yuu and Miki) What the hell did that last sentence mean?!? > "What are you doing here?!?!?!?!?!?!" Tom: (as Miki) Well, all my life people said 'Screw you', so ... Mike: They're the ones asking the question, Tom. Crow: (as Ken) I left my keys on the 'couhc'. Think you can move aside so I can get them? > ken looked at them evily and flexed his muscles and sayed Crow: [Ken] I here to pump ... [clap] ... you up! > "I am the the FIST OF THE NORTHSRAT! Tom: "NORTHSRAT"?!? ARRRGHHH!!! *Head explodes* Crow: This guy can't even spell the main character's *name* right! Mike: Or maybe he's referring to the fist of a large rat that lives in the north. > I will KILL all of you now! hahahahahahahaha!!" He then punches yuu in the face Mike: Funny, I don't feel anything ... > and his entire body explodeded then he kicked miki and she exploded too. Crow: I thought Yuu "explodeded"? Tom: [coughs as Mike puts a new head on him] > Ken laughed Crow: Holy shnikes! Mike: What? Crow: HE ACTUALLY CAPITALIZED ONE OF HIS CHARACTERS' NAMES! Tom: So? Crow: I ... I ... *sobs* Mike: Hang in there, buddy. You're among friends now. Crow: *sniffles* Bite me. > "hahahahahahahahahaha! I will kill all of the crappy anime chaters! Crow: Something about killing people in anime chat rooms? > Hahahahahahaha!!!" Tom: Ken, lay off the laughing gas for chrissake! Hey... wait a minute... All: IT'S TOBLERONE!!! Crow: He's come to save us from this evil anti-fic! > Wehenever he sayed that, Hero, duo quarter, torwa, and wufee jumped into >the room Crow: Whenever he laughs, people jump into a room? > and they all sayed at the same time "WE'LL KICK YOU ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >!!!" Tom: I agree that this guy is an ass, but what, exactly, are they kicking? Mike: Nitpick, nitpick. Crow: They're kicking nitpicks? Funny... I thought they were kicking male donkeys. Mike: *groan* > then they jumped into their wussy Gundamns and shot stuff at ken! Mike: Not bullets or lasers or anything, just generic ... stuff. > Ken just laughed and sayed "You guys suck! Feel my super move!!!" He Crow: 'Guys suck'? 'Feel my super move'? Great, now Ken's making a pass at the Gundam Wing team! Mike: Now that's disgusting! Get your mind outta the gutter, Crow. Crow: Just filling my lewd joke quota for the day... Tom: You didn't have to paint such a nasty image while you were at it, Crow! Crow: Hey, it's a living. >then jumped REALLY high into the air and kicked all of the Gundamns, >then all of the kids fell out and lanfed on the floor. Tom: *starts vibrating* "Lanfed?""LANFED?" What in the name of Zaphod Beeblebrox does that mean?!? Mike: Hold on there, boy! Just try to ignore the horrible grammar mistakes ... > They screemed at they exploded and the blood wnet everywhere. Crow: Now wait just a damn minute! They fall on the floor and immediately they explode? This is worse than when that Garth Vader guy caught on fire by being shot in the butt! Tom: Y'know, it's fics like this that make you pine for such classic films as 'Gorgo' and 'Invasion of the Neptune Men'. All: (reminisce and shudder) > Ken danced around inthe blood but then that dumb guy from Wing of >Hommanise came out in his space suit and sayed Tom: "Hi! Kill me!" Crow: Funny... I never knew Ken was into maho... > "You killed my friends! You a meeeeeeeeeeeeean man!!!" Crow: So he shapeshifted into Sailor Moon? Tom: Watch it, fanboy! Crow: Please forgive me, oh mighty Moonie ... > Ken sayed "Yeah and your next!!!!!" Mike: Goldberg? > He then thumped that dummass in the head and it explodeded. lupin >jumped out and sayed something stupid and acted like a jackasss Crow: Now hold on here! He's offing Lupin?!? Who the hell does this guy think he is? Tom: Someone who can't afford a spellchecker, apparently. Mike: Hey, Lupin pulled a Ranma there! Tom: Ranma's not that dumb! And Shampoo'll get him for sure! Crow: Ppth! Lum can kick her purple haired butt any day of the week, and twice on Sunday! Tom: You take that back! Crow: Make me! Mike: Hey guys, stop that or you won't have any RAM chips for a month! (Tom and Crow grumble as they try to regain their composure) > but ken ripped off his arms and wached him bleed. Tom: ... 10 ... Mike: What are you counting, Tom? Tom: The number of Oscarisms Issei's used. So far, he's surpassed all of Oscar's fanfics in made-up words except "Oscar Toon". > When raindow bright came in she yelled "YOU NEED TO BE > NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But Ken just riped his shirt off >and kicked her head off. Crow: Hooboy... the Humane Society is going to have a field day with this fic... Tom: How exciting. > "Hahahahahahahaha no one here can beat me up!!!!! I am the strongest person in > the WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!" When he sayed that a shadow came out. Tom: Who knows what crap lurks in the hearts of fanfics? Crow: The SHADOW knows! > It was BIIIIIIIG! Tom: ... do you think ... Crow: ... could it be? All: GODZILLA HAS COME TO SAVE THE DAY!!! > He then saw that it was GIGANTOR!!!!!!! All: DAMN! Mike: Hey, don't give up yet, guys ... this Gigantor's got potential ... Crow: Yeah... with all those exclamation points behind him, he's gotta be good! > Ken then sayed "OH MY GOD!!!!!!! He's pretty big!" Gigantor hit Ken in >the stomach All: YAAAAYYYY!!! > but he didn;'t feel it cuz Ken was really strong. All: BOOOOO!!! Crow: Yeah, right! Getting hit by a robot the size of a mountain doesn't hurt! > "hahahaha! But hes weak!!!!" Ken glowed blue and hitgigator really fast >a lot of times........................then it exploded and died!!!! Tom: Huh? Crow: Gigantor got blown up. > The three people came out and looked at ken. Mike: WHAT three people? Details, dammit, DETAILS! > Ken bowed cuz he saw theat they was Issei Mataloun All: *groan* Tom: Good one, Nelson! Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, we have self-insertion. This is not a drill, repeat, this is NOT a drill! > (his MASTER!! He was the GOD of martial arts!!!!!), Crow: I call bull*BLEEP*. What the *BLEEP*?!? Tom: Looks like those *BLEEP* censors woke back up ... Crow: I'm gonna send Issei to another dimension! Tom: I think Haim Saban hired those censors... Crow: (Cartman voice) Son of a *BLEEP*! > Master Ryeken (his father and teacher), and Mike: ... Barbie. > the Over Fiend. Crow: Oh, don't tell me it's gonna turn into a tentacle lemon ... > "YOU HAVE DONE WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they sayed and Ken was happy. Tom: Even though he was extremely out of character. Crow: Either that, or he's been knocking back too much of that homemade Prozac. > He had killed all of the crappy anime chartacters. >But..................................there was > still more that had to DIE!!!!!!!! Tom: Didn't he just say that he'd already killed them all? Crow: You still expect this to make sense? > The End............................................. Crow: Oh, it's over already? Let's get outta here ... Tom: I feel dirty. >FOR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mike: Oh, I don't think so. Tom: Don't threaten us! [Door sequence] .69...1...2...3...4...5...6...7... ************** [INT SOL. Tom, Mike, and Crow are standing there looking somewhat placid.] CROW: Well, that was certainly a crappy fic. TOM: Yeah, all those exclamation marks made it seem like a bad Fantasia remake. MIKE: All we needed was the music for 'The Sorceror's Apprentice'. [The red light flashes once again, sounding the call of the MADs. Mike reaches over and pushes it.] [DEEP 13. Dr Forrester looks somewhat bored due to the lack of funds to keep up the Invention Exchange, his one source of entertainment in Deep 13.] DR. F: So, jumpsuit boy, how was the fic? Is your brain melted yet? [INT SOL] MIKE: A bit too anti for our tastes. Nothing we can't handle though, sir. [DEEP 13] DR. F: Well rest assured that I *will* find the fic that will break your will to live, and when I do, I'll spread it to the masses and rule the world! Oh... and regarding your little argument about anime women, I always rather liked Washu in her adult form... [INT SOL. Tom and Crow stare at the hex screen shocked. Steam is pouring out of their heads like a locomotive on speed.] TOM: Grr... SHAMPOO! CROW: LUM! TOM: SHAMPOO!! CROW: LUM!!! MIKE: That's it, no more RAM chips for a month! CROW: Good, now we won't have any reason to show restraint! LUMMMM!!!! (lunges at Tom with the ferocity of... well... a gold bot with a satellite net head) TOM: SHAMPOOOO!!!!! (lunges at Crow with the bestial fury of a gumball dispenser shaped bot) MIKE: *groans* [DEEP 13] DR. F: (laughs hysterically) Now we're gettin' some action! Frank, push the button. TV'S FRANK: Right away, venerable doctor! [As Frank rushes over to the panel to press the ending theme button, he trips over a cord and bangs his head against it, overloading several circuits and causing a sizable explosion. Dr. F's laughter ceases very soon after.] DR. F: (covered in soot, calmly walks over and pushes the button) BLIP! \ I / \ I / \I/ ------o------ /I\ / I \ / I \ FWOOSH! (Sounds of Frank being strangled can be heard over the ending theme) Any comments, praises, meta-MSTings, or death threats may be sent to AkodoX@aol.com or Discord999@aol.com