Mystery Science Anarchy 3000 Episode #10 "Final Fantasy: The Quest for Aeris" MiSTed by the Anarkist (Discord999@aol.com) Original Story by PJ DISCLAIMER: This is a MSTing of a fanfic written by another author. The fic itself is property of PJ, and he's welcome to it. Tifa, Cloud, Nanaki, Vincent, and other characters are the property of Square Soft, Inc. Mike, the Bots, the Mads, the SoL, etc, are the property of Best Brains Entertainment. Anything else mentioned is the property of its respective creator(s). DRIVE-IN TOTALS: 143 Dead Bodies 1 Returned-From-The-Dead Body 1 Massive Plot Contrivance 3 Consensual Sex Scenes 4 Rape Scenes 2 Beastiality Scenes Gratuitous Monster Penis Gratuitous Plot Contrivance Gratuitous Oral Sex With the Elderly Kung Fu Materia Fu Tentacle Fu *** 1/2 Stars (Satellite of Love. Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are waiting at the end of a line. In front of them are Ortega, Torgo, and Nuvenna, as well as what appears to be Mr. B Natural in a Darth Maul mask. Enter Mike from stage left, drinking an unmarked soda) Mike: Oh, hey guys ... *spit-take* What the?!? Tom: Oh, we're just waiting in line for tickets to see the new Star Wars movie coming out. Crow: Yeah, the line's pretty long, but it's gonna be MORE than worth it! Gypsy: Is Richard Basehart in this? Mike: Wait a minute ... you mean to tell me that the line stretches all the way up into orbit? Tom: Well, yeah. Crow: Hey, it's nowhere near as bad as the line to see Titanic was. Gypsy had to see it about a hundred times, too. Gypsy: Leo's cute. Not as good as Richard Basehart, of course ... (Commercial sign flashes) Mike: We'll be right back ... *taps it* ****** (Commercials for genital herpes treatments, Sci-Fi Prime, and of course, the Phantom Menace!) ****** (SOL. Mike has joined Tom, Crow and Gypsy in line; Professor Bobo and Brain Guy have appeared behind Mike) Mike: *to Professor Bobo* Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Bobo: Hooo, not that I know of. You wouldn't happen to have anything to eat, would you? Torgo: WeLl, I hAvE sOmE cRaZy BrEaD ... All: NO!!! (MADs light flashes) Tom: Ah, Darth Maul and Senator Palpatine are calling. Mike: Yes, sirs? *taps it* (Deep-13. Dr. Forrester and T.V.'s Frank are seated on a couch, watching something on an old-fashioned projector. Frank is clad in a Sith Lord T-Shirt and eating nachos. Dr. Forrester turns to the camera as he leans back) Dr. F: Ah, hello Young Jedi Knights. Waiting in line for Star Wars tickets, I see? (SOL. Mike and the Bots have moved forward a little, but not much. Timmy (the Evil Crow) and Leonardo Da Vinci have appeared behind them) Mike: Yup. It's slow moving, though. Tom: Hey, why don't you guys send that one up into the theater? Crow: Yeah, give us a good movie for once! (D-13. Dr. Forrester chuckles) Dr. F: Oh, I'd love to, my robotic friend, but unfortunately, myself and Frank are too busy watching it. (SOL) All: WHAT?!? Nuvenna: You mean ... you have a copy down there? Bobo: Can we see it? Pleeeeease? Brain Guy: Oh, quit snivelling, you hairy monstrosity ... (D-13) Frank: (oblivious) Dude ... that Yoda is really deep, man. Dr. F: Indeed, boobies. Sometimes it pays to have friends in evil places. Anyway, while we watch this, I have an epic of a different sort for you to enjoy. It's another lemon by your friend and mine, PJ, and it's entitled "Final Fantasy: The Quest For Aeris." Give into the Dark Side, mortals! Send them the movie, Frank. Frank: Sure, your Sithfulness. *pushes the button* (SOL. Lights and klaxons abound) Mike: Ooooo, we've got Fanfic Siiiign ... Bobo: Does anybody have a banana? (Door 7-A Dog Bone, of course) (Door 6-It's Doug Herzog. You kick him in the groin, laugh at his pain, and leave.) (Door 5-It's an ad for Scream 3. Depending on your preference, you either tear it to shreds or bow down and worship it, then move on) (Door 4-You walk into a chat room right in the middle of a huge, incomprehensible roleplay. Confused, you walk out, shaking your head) (Door 3-An ad for the Author Avatar Association. You note the shameless plug and move on) (Door 2-A solid wall of ice. You grab a flamethrower and melt an entrance) (Door 1-Death stands before you. He points beyond him, and you hurry by.) (Door .69-A black hole opens in the fabric of reality, sucking you into the theater) (As usual; Crow, Mike, Tom) Mike: Ah, PJ strikes again. Crow: Well, at least he had some good material to base it on this time. Who knows, it might actually be halfway bearable. Tom: You really believe that, Crow? Crow: Not a chance in hell. >FINAL FANTASY: Crow: The Search For More Money. Tom: How can it be the "Final Fantasy" if there's 8 of 'em? >THE QUEST FOR AERIS Mike: And the Holy Grail. >by PJ Crow: Would a pajama joke here be fairly trite? Mike: I'm afraid so. Crow: Well, damn. >--- Tom: Please write your initials in the space provided. >(I) Crow: I really wish the author would quit mooning us ... >The hot desert wind Tom: What the ... how'd they get on Tatooine alla a sudden? Crow: I just hope they beat the crap out of Greedo again. >washed across Tifa Lockheart Mike: For clearer skin, bathe in new "Hot Desert Wind" brand body wash. >as she marched resolutely All: *chanting* Hell no, we won't blow, hell no, we won't blow ... >towards the looming steppe. She held the right hand of Marlene Wallace Tom: Uhm ... Tifa? Isn't she a little young? And aren't you supposed to be straight? Crow: This is a PJ lemon, Tom. All rules of sexuality are shattered within the first paragraph half the time. >tightly, All: *make crunching sounds* >keeping the little girl upright and moving forward. Crow: (Drill Sargeant) Pick up the pace, maggot! We've got ten miles to march yet, so move it! >The sun slowly descended into the western horizon, Tom: 'Into?' TOOOGGG!!! >but the wind was still as strong as ever, Tom: Ah, I see the wind's been keeping itself in shape. Crow: (vaguely Austrian) I vant to pump ... YOU up! >doing its best to discourage Tifa from her goal. Mike: But she would NOT be dissuaded from being first in line for the Silicon-Enhanced Video Game Characters Convention! >The buxom young woman Crow: That she is ... Tom: Crow, you're drooling again. >hugged her gray cloak closer to her body, Mike: (Tifa) My blanky! >bending herself down Crow: Assume the position! Mike: Crow ... >to keep the hood upon her head. Tom: I could make a very disgusting hermaphrodism joke here, but I think I'll save those for the Oscarfics ... Mike: *turns an interesting shade of green* >The wind blew across her back, Crow: (Tifa) Hey! I'M the one who's supposed to be doing the blowing in this lemon! Mike: *sighs* >flapping the edges of her cloak Mike: (Tifa) I am the cleavage that flaps in the night! >as she reached the foot of the immense step. Tom: For she had just stumbled upon the Jolly Green Giant. >Tifa began the climb up the gentle slope of the steppe Crow: I guess ya just gotta take it steppe by steppe ... >just as the sun disappeared in a blaze of red-purple light. Mike: (Tifa) Oh, damn. Sephiroth must be casting Super Nova again ... >Marlene watched the sunset with wonder, until Tifa tugged her forward. Tom: (British) Come along now, nothing to see here, move along ... >Night was fully upon them when the two girls eventually reached the >summit of the steppe. Crow: (Tifa) I claim this mountain in the name of my breasts! >They stumbled up the last few steps to the entry arch, Mike: (Marlene) Water ... water ... Tom: (Tifa) Silicone ... silicone ... >where they halted to catch their breath. Crow: (Peter Graves) By this time, my lungs were aching for air ... >"Halt! All: *singing* In the naaame of looove ... >Who goes there?" asked a young man with a stout spear. All: *snicker* Tom: And the porno references start up REAL early ... >"My name is Tifa Lockheart, Mike: (Tifa) Is that a stout spear in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? >and this is Marlene. Tom: (Guard) Yeah, and I'm Sally Struthers. Get outta here! >I'm here to see Nanaki." >"Tifa Lockheart? One of the Heroes? Crow: (Guard) Hogan's Heroes? I loved that show! >I must alert the elders at once! Please wait here a moment!" Mike: (Guard) They may be awhile, they can't get around as well as they used to ... >shouted the boy before he sprinted back into the village. Tom: (Guard) SUUUURRRGE!!! Crow: (Hank Hill) That boy ain't right. >"Tifa, I'm hungry and thirsty," Mike: (Marlene, whiny) Are we THERE yet? Tom: (Same) I have to go to the BATHROOM! Crow: (Same) I don't WANNA be in this stupid lemon! >murmured Marlene through cracked lips. Mike: Try some chapstick. Worked wonders for me. >"I know, honey. So am I." >Tifa continued to hold Marlene's hand Crow: (Marlene) Uhm, you can let go now, Tifa. Tifa? Tifa? >until the young guard returned with an elder of Cosmo Canyon. Tom: (Elder) Godfargled dagnabbed silicone-enhanced hussies, always callin' in the middle of the night, dadblamed ... >"Please forgive the delay. Mike: (Elder) We now return you to your regularly scheduled lemon. >I offer you the hospitality of Cosmo Canyon," Tom: (Elder) A PLANNED community! >said the old man with a beckoning wave of his hand. Crow: Come into my lemon, said the elder to the Hero ... >"Is Nanaki here?" inquired Tifa, Tom: Inquiring minds want to know ... oh, and Tifa, too. >with Marlene close behind her. All: *singing* Whatever ya do ... Tom: I'll be two steps behind you ... >"Oh, yes. Crow: Paul Bearer? >He's patrolling outside of town right now. Mike: Yeah, little does this guy know that "patrolling" means kicking back at the local bar and getting drunk with Pumaman ... Tom: Uh, Mike, are we supposed to know about that yet? Mike: Who cares? It's just a show, you should really just relax. >He always checks the perimeter of Cosmo Canyon at dusk. He should be >back soon." All: *singing* I'm coming back, I will return ... and I'll possess your body and I'll make you burn ... >"Is there somewhere with food and drink, we've been traveling quite a >while." Mike: (Elder) Well, that depends upon your definition of "food". We had to hire Akane as our head chef ... Bots: *shudder* >"Of course, Miss Lockheart. Crow: (Black Southerner) Why, YES'M, Miss Daisy! >We have several excellent taverns, Tom: (Elder) Provided you like beer that tastes like kitty litter ... >I shall treat you to a fine meal myself." Mike: What they don't know is that the "fine meal" he's referring to is re-heated McDonald's hamburgers and watered-down Kool-aid. >"Thank you, elder," nodded Tifa gratefully. Crow: (Tifa) Hikeeba. >The small group entered one of the first level eateries, Tom: Yeah, they'd have to drink the poison wine before allowed up to the next level ... >where Tifa and Marlene gorged on roast chicken, corn, and freshly baked >bread. Mike: The poison in their food was tasteless and odorless, and as they slept that night it ate away at the linings of their stomachs, slowly leaking the acid into their bloodstreams ... Tom: Nelson, you need to stop hanging around me. >They drank sweet wine and devoured several rich pastries for dessert. Crow: (Tifa) Wait a minute ... this isn't a Toaster Strudel ... it's a POP-TART! DAMN YOU!!! >Marlene sighed contentedly, Tom: (Marlene) *belches* Excuse me ... >sitting back in her chair with a pretty smile. Tifa sipped from a mug >of wine, Mike: (Tifa) Whoa! The Mug DOES go straight to your brain! >listening to the elder's tales of life in Cosmo Canyon after the fall >and destruction of Meteor. Crow: (Elder) And then we had that plague of locusts, boy was that a bitch to take care of ... >"Someone is looking for me?" Mike: (Nanaki) Stop the music! >growled a deep feline voice from the doorway of the tavern. Tom: When Tom the Cat goes bad. >"Nanaki!" exclaimed Tifa happily, All: NORM! >jumping from her chair Crow: Bouncy-bouncy-bounc... Mike: Enough already, Crow! >to rush forward and hug the large, red furred cat. Tom: (Tifa) Such a pretty pussy ... Mike: TOM! Tom: What?!? >"Tifa," purred Nanaki, rubbing the area between her Crow: Hey, Red XIII's gettin' some! >neck and shoulder with his warm muzzle. Crow: Well, maybe not. >Marlene rushed to Nanaki's other side, hugging his neck with her small >arms. All: Awwwww ... >"It's so good to see you again," Tom: (Darkly) ... Clarice. >whispered Tifa into Nanaki's ear. >"Where's Cloud?" Crow: Hell with that, where's Waldo? >"He's…gone," murmured Tifa Mike: (Tifa) He left with that Tuesday slut! >before she broke away from Nanaki, her eyes sorrowful and downcast. Tom: It's always a shame to see a cute couple like that break away from each other ... >"While I'm honored by your visit, Crow: (Nanaki) I don't like you. >I don't think you came all this way just to say hello." Mike: (Nanaki) You've killed again, haven't you? >"No, I didn't. Tom: (Tifa) I came here to say, "Icky-icky-nig-num-ding-dang-foom." Crow: (Tifa) Or "Nih" will suffice. >Something's happening, something strange, Mike: (ominously) Something lemony this way comes. Crow: Emphasis on "comes" ... >and I think Aeris is involved." Crow: Oh, JOY. Another bring-Aeris-back-from-the-dead story. >"Aeris? That can't be, she's dead," replied Nanaki Mike: Hey, it never stopped Marvel ... >with a shake of his mane. >"After the planet destroyed Meteor, there was Tom: ... one HELL of a mess, lemme tell ya. >a massive deposit of Crow: ... crap. >Mako energy around Midgar. Plant life began to grow at a phenomenal >rate, Mike: Then the Venis Fly Traps started mutating, and before long geeky high school students started getting eaten ... >births increased, it was a burst of fertility, an explosion of life. Tom: (Boxing announcer) Yes, it's a Heavyweight Explosion of Life, coming to you live from Madison Square Garden! Only $29.95 on PPV! >Cloud seemed to feel the massive pool of Mako around us, Crow: Final Fantasy lemon? You're soaking in it! >it made him stronger… Mike: ... faster ... *better* ... >more virile," hesitated Tifa with a deep blush. Tom: Mako. Nature's Viagra. Crow: If Bob Dole starts making Shinra commercials now, I'm going to be sick ... >"Go on," encouraged Nanaki with a toothy grin. Mike: (Nanaki) Ah, you kids today with your Mako reactors and week-long orgies ... >"As the vegetation around Midgar continued to blossom, Tom: Them dang dirty hippies started showin' up ... >Cloud disappeared for long periods of time. Crow: (Tifa) I knew then that I shouldn't have hired David Copperfield as our bodyguard ... >At first I thought he was helping the city militia clear the area of >stray monsters, Mike: Why am I imagining a bunch of imbred guys in camoflage shooting shotguns at a Hell House? Crow: Flashbacks to your family reunion, maybe? Mike: Crow ... >but then I found him in a deserted church, Tom: (Tifa) He had tatoos Magic Markered on and was sacrificing small kittens to Cthulhu! >watching two small children Crow: Ugh ... Warrior Sisters flashback ... Mike: (Tifa) Watching them a little TOO closely, I thought ... >tend a wild indoor garden. Cloud didn't respond Mike: Eh, his server must be down. Just wait a few minutes and he can re-route it. >when I called him and he seemed to be in a strange trance. Tom: (Cloud) Carrot Top is funny. Bill Clinton is honest. Hulk Hogan is a fine technical wrestler. >He finally woke up, Crow: (Cloud, drowsy) Huh? Where's my coffee? >then pushed me away and stomped out. Mike: (Cloud) Stupid GIRLS, with their huge knockers and corcern ... >For a second, at the edge of my vision, I thought I saw a Tom: (Tifa) ... putty-tat. >transparent image of Aeris, kneeling next to the border of the garden. Mike: (Aeris praying) Oh Planet, forgive them, for they know not the lousy lemons they write, nor the nutso plot contrivances they invoke ... >I followed Cloud back home, Crow: (Singing) And everywhere that Cloud went, Cloud went, Cloud went ... >where he said he had to go somewhere. Tom: So he went somewhere to do something with someone, right? Crow: Yup. Tom: Ah, well, we're all like that sometimes. >I asked him where, Mike: (singing) Where, oh where, has my little dog gone ... >but he wouldn't say, (Suddenly, a cell phone rings. Crow lifts one to his beak and turns it on) Crow: Hey, ya don't say. Ya don't say! Ya don't say? Ya don't say. *turns it off* Tom: What was that about? Crow: He didn't say. Tom & Mike: *groan* >he just grabbed Ultima Weapon and left. I waited for days, Mike: But I never saw him again ... my "little buddy" ... >then finally I found Barret and Crow: (Tifa) Shagged his brains out, too. >told him what happened. He left Marlene with me while he went looking >for Cloud. Tom: Looking for Mr. Goodcloud. >Neither one of them ever came back. Mike: Looks like they won't be back ... >I didn't know what else to do. Crow: (Tifa) So, when in doubt, walk across a desert or two! >So I came here. I hope you can help me find them." Tom: (Nanaki) Nope, sorry. Next! >"You're right, this is strange," replied Nanaki Mike: (Nanaki) A planet where apes evolved from man?!? >while he sat on the floor, twitching his tail idly in thought. Crow: (Nun) Idle tails do the devil's work, young man. >"I've modified the Planetarium to scan the planet for Tom: (Nanaki) ... porn. Damn, you people are bendier than I thought ... >anomalies, I'll use it to look for Cloud in the morning. Mike: (Nanaki) I've already used it to find Waldo. Lemme tell ya, he's always in the last place ya look ... >Cloud has a unique Mako signature since he's Crow: ... a walking, talking Plot Contrivance ... >the only SOLDIER left on the planet. Don't worry, Tifa, Mike: (Nanaki) ... be happy. >I'll find him and Barret." Tom: (Nanaki) For a price ... *laughs evilly* >"Yay, Nanaki!" clapped Marlene happily. All: *apathetic* Yay. >"Thank you, Nanaki. I knew you could help us," smiled Tifa before she >leaned down Bots: *gawk* Mike: Guys, guys! She's just text! Tom: Oh, ruin the fun, why don't ya ... >to kiss the big cat on the forehead. >Nanaki stammered in embarrassment Tom: (Nanaki) Uhhh, doi-doi-doi ... >then offered to show Tifa and Marlene to their temporary quarters. Mike: (Nanaki) I hope you won't mind the hole in the shower wall, Tifa. There's a nice man by the name of Norman Bates staying next to you, call him if you need anything ... >Tifa and Marlene walked on either side of the red feline, All: *singing* Walk this way, talk this way ... >keeping up with his quick pace until they reached the observatory Tom: Operated by a bunch of guys carrying their brains in jars. Mike: What the sanscratch are you talking about, Servo? Tom: I ... don't know ... >at the top of Cosmo Canyon. Nanaki settled Marlene into bed, Crow: (Nanaki) Just try to ignore the life-size replica of the Xenomorph in the corner ... >then showed Tifa to her room. >"Rest well, Tifa. Mike: (Undertaker) Rest ... in ... peace ... >I think that we shall have to find some of the others Tom: Wha ... since when does Red XIII sound like Antoine? Crow: (Antoine) I am thinking that we should not be doing this ... >before we begin our search for Cloud. Mike: Star Trek 7: The Search for Cloud. >He and Aeris are tied closely to Mako, All: *singing* Maaa-ko, Maaaaaa-ko ... Crow: Lemon come, and it won't go home. >and Mako is the lifeblood of the planet. Tom: I thought Surge was the lifeblood of the planet? Mike: Only according to Tony Shiavone. >If something strange is happening, it must be very serious." Crow: (ominously) Yahoo Serious. >"You're right, Nanaki. I think Vincent is in Nibelheim. Tom: But since he cut off one of his ears, he's not hearing too well ... >I heard rumors that he returned to Mike: ... the Jedi. >his home in Shinra Mansion." >"Then once I discover where Cloud is, Crow: (Nanaki) We'll all get TOTALLY stoned! >we shall go collect Vincent," nodded Nanaki. Tom: Vincent. Collect the whole set. >"Good night, Nanaki," murmured Tifa before she kissed him again on the >forehead. >She rubbed her nose in the big cat's thick, musky fur, Mike: Then promptly began hacking and sneezing when she realized that she was alergic. >then broke away when she felt a stirring in her sex. All: ... Tom: D-did I just read w-what I thought I read? Mike: God, I hope not ... >It had been a long time since Cloud had vanished Crow: As a matter of fact, it had been a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ... >and her body yearned for attention. Tom: Oh ... no ... >"Tifa," growled Nanaki Mike: (Nanaki) You're ... on ... my ... tail. >as he nuzzled beneath her short black leather skirt, Tom: ... Mike: Uh, Tom, are you OK? Tom: *begins smoking and shooting out sparks* >licking her pussy through her thin white panties. Crow: (Nanaki) Heh-heh-heh ... the ol' Spanish-Fly-in-the-wine trick works every time ... Tom: *begins vibrating rapidly, as the smoke and sparks worsen* Mike: Oh, crap ... he's approaching critical mass ... >"Nanaki, don't," panted Tifa, Mike: Yes, please! DON'T! >her cunt becoming hot with arousal. Tom: Wh ... wh ... WHAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHHHHH!!!! *head explodes* Crow: Not AGAIN ... >Nanaki gently pushed Tifa backward into the bedroom, knocking her >against the foot of the bed and making her fall onto her back. Crow: Why? Because he's the PUSHER-man! He's the ENABLER! Mike: *sighs, and goes to work fixing Tom* >The large cat slid between her bare legs, slicing her panties apart Crow: Red XIII! He slices, and dices, and makes really sick beastiality scenes! Mike: *continues tinkering* >with his sharp fangs. Crow: (Nanaki) I need some more fiber in my diet ... >He lapped at Tifa's cunt with his rough tongue, Crow: Looks like he's exploring HER Cosmo Canyon ... Mike: Crow, I'm trying to concentrate, here ... >caressing her tender pussy flesh until it dripped with her juices. Crow: I always knew Red XIII was a messy eater ... you about done, Nelson? I can't keep back the evil beastiality scene forever ... Mike: Just about ... *continues tinkering* >"Nanaki, please," moaned Tifa, her large breasts pumping for air. Crow: C'mon everybody, let's pump it, pump ... *breaks down sobbing* Mike: Hey, hey ... it's OK. See, I'm done with Tom now. *reboots him* (Tom shudders back to life) Tom: (Vaguely British accent) I say, old boy, what goes on here? Mike: Uh, Tom? What's wrong with your voice? Tom: Why, whatever do you mean, my good man? I feel jolly fine ... >She closed her eyes, relishing the sensation of Nanaki devouring her >melting cunt. Tom: (Still British) Ugh ... or rather, I DID ... Crow: It's the Incredible Melting CGI Cunt! Mike: Crow ... >She pulled her white shirt over her head, Tom: I SAY ... All: *drool* >releasing her tits from confinement. Crow: (Tifa's breasts) ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! >Tifa fondled her own breasts, Tom: Jolly good, my dear lass ... ohhhh, JOLLY good ... Mike: *whispering to Crow* What's up with Tom? Crow: *whispering* I dunno ... maybe you activated the regional accent generator that Joel installed on us that one day ... >her hands caressing and stroking the warm, smooth flesh. Nanaki purred Tom: Gotta give the good little kitty his cream, after all ... >softly as he ate Tifa out, Tom: Well, I say my boy, that's about a four-course meal right the- (Suddenly, Mike tackles Tom, switching him off) Mike: Can you take over again, Crow? I'll see if I can't locate the chip and deactivate it ... Crow: *somewhat shakily* Sure, Mike. Do what ya gotta ... >his wet nose pressed into her vagina, his tongue insistently probing >her womb. Crow: (Cop) Ma'am, we know you're in there! Now come out with your breasts up! Mike: *fiddles around a bit* >Nanaki removed his muzzle from Tifa's pussy, Crow: They muzzled her vagina? I never heard of THAT becoming rabid before ... Mike: *flips Tom's head back on* >then briefly licked her creamy inner thighs. Crow: New Improved Tifa Bars; now with 40% more cream. Mike: *reboots Tom* Tom: WOAH! What the ... hey, guys! What'd I miss? Crow: *sickly* Don't ask ... >He climbed on top of Tifa, Tom: (Nanaki) I claim this slut in the name of Cosmo Canyon! >lowering his maw onto her bare breasts, Mike: (Foreman) OK, bring it down. Hey, gently now! Don't wanna break it or anything ... >licking her large nipples until she groaned with pleasure. Tom: While I groaned with nausea ... >Nanaki bit Tifa's nipples gently with his fangs, Crow: (Tifa) YYYYEEOOOOWWWCH! Tom: Unfortunately, Tifa, acting by instinct, then proceeded to smash Nanaki's semi-cat skull in ... >then licked up and down the cleavage between her tits. Mike: Yea, though I lick through the valley in the shadow of the breasts... >Tifa buried her hands in Nanaki's mane, Tom: (JR) MAH GOD! Tifa's hands have just been buried alive! Crow: Looks like business is about to pick up ... >moaning blissfully as he suckled on her throbbing melons. Mike: I always knew this lemon was a little fruity ... >Tifa felt Nanaki's cock Crow: What's his rooster got to do with anything? Tom: (Foghorn Leghorn) I say, I say listen here girl! Ya gots ta keep it ya own species, ya hear me? >slide into her pussy, she spread her legs wider apart Mike: (Cop) SPREAD 'EM! Tom: Don't have to tell her twice ... >so he could shove himself deep into her moist slit. Mike: (Professor) So you see, his penis is going down, down, deep into her vag- Tom: Mike. Shut. UP. Crow: (Nanaki) I wanna fuck you like an animal, I wanna feel you from the inside ... Tom: GYAHHHH!!! >Nanaki growled while he pumped in and out of Tifa's cunt, Tom: And that makes him unhappy ... why? Crow: Hey, if he's tired of doin' it, I'd be happy to take over ... >his shaft thrusting far into her warm belly. Mike: Thus rupturing her uterus and killing her slowly and painfully. Tom: Mike, you're stealing my schtick. Stop it. >Tifa held tightly onto Nanaki's furred body, Crow: Hold on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride ... >she pressed her thighs against his flanks as he rammed himself Tom: Du Hast? Crow: No, that's Rammstein. Though I'm starting to think that the Author hates me ... >into her yielding pussy. All: YIELD! YIELD! >Nanaki stopped nursing on Tifa's tits, Mike: Because it was time for him to start on solids and bottles. >he raised his head to lick the girl's smooth shoulders and graceful >neck. Tom: Ah, cat drool. How erotic. >Tifa giggled as she felt the sandpaper tongue slide across her skin. Mike: (sadly) Looks like Tifa's finally lost it ... Crow: Guess being the sex toy of the FF7 universe finally took its toll on her ... >She pursed her mouth open, Tom: (Tifa) Oh, THERE'S my compact! I thought I'd lost it ... >inviting Nanaki to kiss her passionately. All: *attempt to keep their lunch down* Crow: How on Earth can a cat kiss anyone PERIOD, much less passionately? >The cat covered Tifa's lips with his mouth, his tongue slid down her >throat, Tom: Promptly choking her and causing her to asphixiate. The end. >caressing the girl's delicate tongue Mike: ... and then breaking it in half. It was *really* delicate, apparently. >as it entwined with his. Crow; Talk about tongue-tied ... >Nanaki's thrusts became more forceful, they rocked the bed All: *singing* I wanna rock ... >as he plunged faster into Tifa's tight vagina. Tom: DIVE! DIVE! Mike: Tom ... >Tifa's legs trembled Tom: (Tifa) Suh-suh-SURRRRRGE!!!! >as she felt her orgasm approach, Crow: *singing* She told me to come, but I was already there ... >her hands dug into Nanaki's fur until both lovers climaxed together, >the cat's seed spurting into her empty void. Mike: In space, no one can hear you cum. >Nanaki rubbed his muzzle in Tifa's sweaty hair, then climbed off of the >panting young woman. Crow: (Nanaki) Heh-heh ... I *still* got it ... >He quietly left the dark bedroom, closing the door behind himself. Tom: With what? He's got no hands! >Tifa lay limply on the disheveled bed, Mike: Uh-oh. I think he broke her. >her legs spread apart and her bare breasts heaving. Tom: Y'know, if that beastiality scene hadn't made me physically ill, I might be turned on by that image ... >She fell asleep with the taste of Nanaki's tongue on her lips. Mike: Sex scene by Oscar "Artemis' Lover" Martinez. > >*** Crow: Only three bullets? I'd use at least a whole clip on this thing ... > >Tifa slept soundly that night, Mike: While visions of Artemis' Lover danced in her head ... >but awoke when Nanaki padded into her room. He gave her a toothy grin, Tom: (Nanaki) Heh-heh, I ate you like ice cream, ya little minx ... >then waited as she washed her face in a water basin. Crow: (Tifa) God, what did he PUT in my wine last night? I feel like I just got screwed by a giant cat ... >she tugged her shirt back on All: *make sounds of disappointment* Tom: Goodbye, massive breasts! We'll miss you! >and flattened her leather skirt with her hands. Mike: (Tifa) You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's ... uhm ... Crow: Just let that one die by itself, Nelson. Trust me. >Tifa followed Nanaki into the dining area, where a local woman had >brought breakfast for Nanaki and his guests. Tom: Unfortunately, all they had was gruel. >Marlene sat perched on the edge of a dining chair, Mike: So Marlene's a shapeshifter now? When did she become a bird? >devouring a pile of scrambled eggs, sausage, Crow: Isn't she a little young to be eating people's sausage? Mike: *sickly* Crow ... Tom: Let's just hope Dark Sonic didn't make it ... Mike: ... >and warm sliced bread covered in honey. Tom: I hope it's not Tifa's honey ... Mike: *runs off to a corner, and vomits* Crow: Poor meatware. Tom: Yeah, real shame. >Tifa sat opposite Marlene, wished the girl good morning, Tom: (British) Good morrow, Abbot. Crow: (Same) Good morrow. Tom: (British) Good morrow, Abbot. Crow: (Same) Good morrow. (Pause) Tom: *whispering* Pssst! Nelson! That's your cue! Mike: *weakly* Hey Abbot! Crow: (British) I HATE that guy ... >then took a long drink from a glass of milk. Crow: Yes, Tifa is well used to swallowing white stuff ... Mike: *vomits again* CROW! >Nanaki jumped onto a chair between Tifa and Marlene, Tom: (Nanaki) Hello, ladies ... >then lowered his face down to chew on some sliced ham and toast with >jam. Tom: Since when did PJ kick it Old School? Mike: *shambles back to his seat* Crow: Feel better, Nelson? Mike: *burps* Yeah ... >"Did you find Cloud?" asked Tifa before she raised a fork laden with >eggs. Mike: Posing the question, what is the air-speed velocity of a laden fork? Crow: African or European? >"Yes, Tifa. Tom: (Nanaki) It's in the sky. Duh. >I'm afraid he's in the City of the Ancients." Mike: (Doctor) I'm afraid the stupidity is fatal. >"Why would he be there?" Crow: Well, I hear it's wonderful this time of year ... >"I detected another Mako signature, Tom: (Nanaki) I think I've found Elvis! >it could be Aeris." >"How could she come back from the dead?" Mike: Hey, ask Marvel. They're the undesputed kings of bring-um-back plot contrivances. Tom: Let's see ... spontaneous regeneration, evil clones, time warps, magical spells, demonic influence, "it never really happened" ... >"With enough Mako energy, anything is possible." Crow: (Nanaki) Except making Pauly Shore funny. >Tifa sighed, Tom: (Tifa) I swear, if it's not a sickening beastiality scene, it's a lousy plot contrivance ... >then ate quietly while Marlene regarded both adults with her wide eyes. Mike: Little Orphan Annie? >"Did you see Papa?" >"I'm sorry, Marlene, I can only detect Mako entities with my equipment. Crow: (Hal 9000) I can't do that, Dave ... >I'm sure that if Cloud made it there okay, your father did too." Tom: (Nanaki) Smile and nod, smile and nod ... >"Can we go get Papa now, Tifa?" Mike: (Announcer) Go for Papa. Papa John's. >"We will soon, honey. Uncle Nanaki and I have to go get some Crow: (Duke Nukem) Come get some. Tom: You mean there's MORE Red XIII sex scenes?!? NOOOOO!!! >of our other friends first. Mike: Just as long as Cait Sith doesn't get any, I'll be OK ... >Nanaki, Tom: (Tifa) You die, Joe! >can Marlene stay here until we get Cloud and Barret back?" >"Of course, Tifa. Tom: (Nanaki) Why, we've got a Playstation already set up for her and everything. >I'll instruct the elders to care for her." Crow: (Nanaki) I'm sure Marv Albert will take good care of her ... >"I want to go with you! I want to see Papa!" argued Marlene. Mike: (Nanaki) I want this, I want that ... well, we don't always get what we want, missy! >"You will soon. Tom: ... in HELL! >Just be patient for a little while longer." >Marlene scowled, Crow: (Marlene) I don't like you. >then stuffed her face with more eggs. All: *make pig sounds* >Nanaki smiled sympathetically at Marlene, Mike: (Nanaki) I like you. I think I'll kill you last. >then turned to regard Tifa with his bright eyes. Tom: When did C-3PO sneak on the set? >"Do you want to head for Nibelheim today? To get Vincent?" Crow: Yeah, they wanna get to him before he cuts off the *other* ear ... >"Yes. We should go at once." >"Finish your breakfast, Marlene. Mike: (Nanaki) Eat up all your poisoned eggs, now. >Someone will be here to show you around the village soon. Tom: (Nanaki) At least I'm assuming they will... >You can pick out a few things that you want from any shop in Cosmo >Canyon," offered Nanaki Crow: (Nanaki) Even the Dildo store. Mike: CROW! >as he hopped down from his chair. Mike: (Nanaki) Stupid child's seats ... >"Really? Thanks, Nanaki!" smiled Marlene Tom: Mystery Mood Swing Theater 3000. >before she bent down from her chair to hug the big cat. Crow: Now that's a big pussy ... Mike: Crow ... Crow: What?!? >Tifa grinned at Nanaki's generosity, then followed the cat Tom: How did Ernest Miller become involved in this lemon? Crow: Let's just hope we get to see Gorgeous George somewhere ... mama mia! >as he went outside. Mike: Hope Tifa remembered her pooper scooper ... >The duo descended down to the first level of Tom: ... HELL!!! >Cosmo Canyon Tom: Or not. >and made their way to the entry arch. Crow: All that walking's gotta be hell on their arches ... >The young guard stood at attention Tom: Yeah, that's the reaction of most fanboys when they see Tifa ... Mike: Tom ... >briskly when he noticed Nanaki approaching. Mike: (Guard) Whoa! That's BRISK, baby! Tom: Now who's plugging soft drinks? Mike: Well ... er ... >Nanaki nodded a greeting, Crow: (Nanaki) Hikeba. >then began climbing down the long staircase to the desert below. Mike: (Professor) Down, down, walking dow- Bots: SHUT UP!!! >Tifa adjusted her long cloak, Tom: (Tifa) Bleh. What is this, polyester? >raising the hood to cover her head. She walked down the steep staircase >after Nanaki, then Crow: ... promptly tripped and fell head-over-heels all the way down. >stopped next to him at the foot of the steppe. Mike: Today's word is "steppe", apparently ... Tom: It's still less nauseating than "labia" being repeated over and over again ... >"It will be faster if you climb onto my back, that way I can run across >the desert." Crow: See Nanaki run. Run, Nanaki, run. Mike: *singing* They called him wiiiiild fiiiire ... >"Alright," replied Tifa warily Tom: Odd, she didn't mind mounting him last night ... Mike: Tom, think about what you just said. Tom: Oh. *sickly* Ohhhhh ... >before she slowly climbed onto the large cat's back. She wrapped her >legs around his flanks, All: Uuuuuugh ... Mike: Beastiality scene flashback ... >then entwined her fingers within Nanaki's thick mane. Crow: Ooo, those fingers are absolute HELL to get out of your hair ... >"Ready?" All: BREAK IT DOWN! >"Yes." Mike: No. Crow: Maybe. Tom: Uh ... undecided! >Nanaki sprinted forward, Mike: Nanaki pops the clutch and tells Cosmo Canyon to eat his dust! >almost flying over the red sands Tom: *singing* Flyyyyy like an eagle ... >as he raced north, in the direction of Nibelheim. Tom: *hums the theme to Bonanza* Crow: Oh, how ominous. Mike: Really? Crow: No. > >==== Tom: Hey, it's a steel girder! Crow: Looks like the fic's still under construction. Tom: That WOULD explain a lot ... > >(II) Crow: (Electric Boogaloo). > >Nanaki ran across the green plain, Tom: Wait, I thought they were in the red desert? Mike: Apparently, this is some time later. >Tifa holding tightly to his red mane. Crow: (Tifa) Ow-oo-ow-oo-ow-oo-ow ... ooooooo ... >The duo glanced at the Nibel Mountains Mike: (Robin) Holy plot point, Batman! >as they closed in around them, Tom: (nervous) The ... the mountains ... the-they're clo-o-osing in on m-me ... >guiding them to the town of Nibelheim that lay at the range's feet. Mike: So is this the Nibelheim that exists, or ... Crow: Don't try to figure it out, Nelson. You'll just hurt yourself. >Dark clouds slid over the mountains' summits, casting a black shadow >over the valley. Tom: (Nanaki) Is that foreshadowing I smell? >Tifa clasped her cloak around her body, warding herself from the >chilling winds that blew from the north. Mike: Eh, a Blue Ward'll do the trick on that. Crow: (Tifa) Cursed THO's ... Mike: Crow ... >The duo reached the edge of town, Tom: The DYNAMIC duo ... Crow: Yes, they are ... *drools* Tom: Not her breasts, hentai! >Nanaki slowing his pace to a walk, Mike: Actually, it looks to me more like a light canter. Tom: Eh, more of a trot, actually. >allowing them both to examine the quiet settlement. Crow: (Shatner) It looks like ... some-thing ... is wrong on ... Saturn 5. >Thunder rumbled from the mountains Tom: For some reason, I keep expecting to see Jaina Solo and Tenel Ka to walk by ... >as Nanaki walked down a cobbled street, Mike: (Roman citizen) Why, sir, cobble you. >the buildings on either side of him dark and falling into decay. Crow: Nibelheim fell into disuse after the Robot Apocalypse... >Tifa watched the passing shops and homes with regret, Tom: (Tifa) Oh, there's where I bought my first bra back when I was 5! Mike: (Tifa) And there's the back seat where I first lost my virginity! Crow: (Tifa) And is that the street corner where I first started selling my body to strangers? Mike: Crow ... Crow: Mike, think how she's characterized in this fic. Is it really THAT unlikely? Mike: Good point ... >she remembered how alive her hometown had once been. Tom: How alive with pleasure ... >"Do you want to stop by your old house?" Mike: Wonderful idea, Nanaki! Dredge up MORE painful memories for her! >"No, let's just get Vincent and go." Crow: They're looking for Vincent Van Goh? Tom: No, they're going to get Vince a mango. >Nanaki followed the streets northeast Mike: Note that Nanaki, just like the great hunter cats of Africa, uses the scent of his prey to follow their trail ... Tom: Well, that, and he follows the street signs. >until they found the fence that protected the Shinra Mansion grounds. Crow: Hey, look, there's a big "Beware of Shapeshifting Psychopath" sign in the front lawn. How nice ... >Tifa dismounted from Nanaki's back, then made sure her Premium Heart >gauntlet was secure upon her right hand. Tom: Eh, the Premium Heart sucks unless the Limit Meter is full. Mike: Which is why she'll probably have the hell beaten out of her before the scene is through ... >"Stay here, Nanaki. Crow: (Tifa) Stay, Nanaki. Stay. Stay! Good kitty. >It'll be better if I go to see Vincent alone." Tom: (Tifa) That way, I can be raped and no one will come to my rescue to ruin the author's fun! >"Are you sure, Tifa? There could be some left over monsters living in >the mansion." Mike: Oh, yeah, there's Dracula, Jason, Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, the Creature From the Black Lagoon ... >"If there are, I can take care of them." Crow: (Tifa) I'll just flash them and run while they're all passed out from nosebleeds ... >Tifa straightened her back, Mike: An impressive feat, considering all the weight that's on her chest ... >thrust out her large breasts, Tom: Promptly demolishing half of Nibelheim in the process ... >then kicked open the fence gate. Crow: Uh, Tifa, it wasn't locked ... >She walked down the cobble path to the mansion's main entrance, Mike: Right under the huge neon "ENTER" sign ... >then carefully went inside. Thunder shook the mansion's walls while >lightning eerily illuminated the house's dark interior. Tom: Ugh ... flashbacks from "Scream 2"... Mike: I thought that MiST was never finished ...? Crow: You think too much, Nelson. Just smile and nod. >Tifa clasped her right hand into a fist, Crow: (Tifa) WE ARE THE NATION ... OF MASTURBATION! Mike: Crow ... Tom: (Tifa) We are gonna cum by any means necessary! Mike: Tom ... >then walked quietly to the main staircase. All: *make sounds of boards creaking* >Rain began to fall onto the mansion's roof, Tom: *singing* Now I pray for rain ... now I pray for rain ... (Suddenly, Mike slaps Tom upside the head) Tom: OW! What was that for?!? Mike: You were singing a country song, Servo. You *HATE* country. Tom: Oh. Yeah. Thanks. >the noise echoing in the building's wide empty interior. Crow: ECHO! ... cho ... ho ... o ... >Tifa went up the stairs, walked right, passed through one room, Tom: Turned left, right, left, right, went up the stairs, went down some more stairs, hit B and A ... Crow: *haunted* Hallways ... endless hallways ... Detective ... >then entered another with a rounded bookshelf. Mike: (Tifa) Let's see ... "Origin of the Feces" ... "Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Oscar" ... "How To Write Really Sick Lemons" ... >She activated the secret door built within the shelf, Crow: Something we've NEVER seen before ... >then descended a long, spiraling staircase. Tom: Boy, tell me about it ... took me almost five minutes to go all the way down in FF7! >The young woman reached the foot of the staircase and Mike: ... Promptly stomped on it. Tom: (Staircase) Hey, you're on my foot! >proceeded down a roughly hewn rock tunnel Crow: (Pirate) Arrr, prepare to be hewn, and hewn again! >that was lit with dim purple light. Tom: Dark Sonic? NOOOOO!!! >The air was very warm, making Tifa's skin perspire Mike: Naw, really? I thought her shoes would perspire ... Crow: I am the god of HELLFIRE, and I bring you ... >after only a few minutes of walking. Crow: Man, for a superheroine with 0% body fat (except for in all the right places), she's pretty out of shape ... >Her white shirt clung to her ripe tits, All: *drool* >whose nipples poked against the thin fabric Tom: Uh, PJ? Nipples get hard when it's cold, not when it's hot ... >as she made her way to the entrance of Vincent's chamber. Crow: (British) He ... hello? Mr. Psychopathic Shapeshifter? Hello? >Suddenly, a flurry of high-pitched squeals assaulted Tifa's ears. Mike: She's being attacked by a brigade of pigs! Bots: Sooo-EEEE! Sooo-EEEE! >She pressed her hands against the sides of her head, Tom: Migranes are like a FF7 lemon raging inside you ... >then gasped as she saw a flock Crow: Raven's Flock? Mike: What about me? WHAT ABOUT RAVEN?!? >of black bats swirling towards her. Tifa crouched into a combat stance Mike: (Mortal Kombat) Round 1 ... FIGHT! >and punched out with her Premium Heart. Tom: (Tifa) MEGATON PUNCH! >The gauntlet splattered the first bat to bits, All: Ewwwww ... Tom: I HATE when I catch a bat on my windshield ... Crow: Bruce Wayne is not amused. >then ripped deeply into two others. Mike: (Sabretooth) Oooo, you cut me deep, frail. Now I'm gonna cut YOU! (The Bots inch slightly away from Mike) >The injured bats screamed in pain, Tom: I know the feeling, buddy. Boy, do I know the feeling ... >which only made the surviving bats even more enraged. Crow: (Bats) We're mad as hell, and we're not gonna take this anymore! >Black wings slapped against Tifa's face, Bots: (Bats, singing) Smack our bitch up ... smack our bitch up ... Mike: Guys ... Tom: What? Tifa's pretty much everyone's bitch in this fic anyway, so we might as well try and make it through this by making light of it ... >forcing her to raise her arms in defense. Tom: Ah, the infamous "Turtle" strategy. >Sharp fangs and wing claws bit into her shirt, creating several shallow >cuts on her breasts and stomach. All: ... Mike: Flashback ... Tom: Pfil's ... Spider Troubles ... Crow: Must ... resist ... Shatner ... must ... riff ... lemon ... >More bats attacked her bare legs, ripping painfully into her flesh, Tom: *painfully* But little did they realise that Tifa hadn't shaved in weeks! Heh-heh ... ugh. >then drinking deeply from her veins. Mike: (Bela Lagosi) Won't you come out with me for a bite? >Tifa felt her strength draining away Crow: Looks like someone took her batteries out. >as she swung out with both of her fists, Tom: (Tifa) DOUBLE FIST STRIKE! >slaying many more bats; Crow: (Bat) Oh, Tifa, you SLAY me! >but their comrades flapped forward, Mike: Shouting "Heil Hitler" all the way ... >eager to feast on her hot lifeblood. >A particularly large bat crashed into Tifa's chest, Crow: Thank god for all that silicone ... that would've killed a lesser- chested woman! Tom: Sailor Jupiter she isn't. >making her flail her arms helplessly for balance Mike: (Tifa) Whoa-whoa-whooooooa ... >before she fell backwards with a jaw vibrating impact. All: *THUNK!* Crow: (Tifa) Damn these "delicately rounded" thighs ... >She lay stunned on the cold stone Tom: While Steve Austin went to the four turnbuckles and drank some beers. Crow: So the cold stone stunned her? Hmmm, Oracle must be booking. >while bats dived down upon her, digging their claws into her smooth >skin, Mike: (Bat) Uh, guys, are you sure this is how we go about setting up an archeological dig? >fastening themselves to her Crow: (Bat) Hey, Gary, ya got the stable gun? Tom: (Bat) Nah, I thought Bruce had it. >so they could bury their fangs inside her, gorging on her rich fluids. All: ?!? Crow: She's coming AGAIN!?! Tom: (Tifa) Being eaten alive by bats is SUCH a turn-on ... >Tifa attempted vainly to rise, Mike: For the Honorable Judge Ito had just entered the courtroom ... >then fell back, her strength gone, Crow: ... drained by the aura of uselessness that surrounds all women in these kind of fics. >and her arms and legs limp from blood loss. Tom: (Medic) I need 10 CCs of O negative, STAT! Mike: Been watching ER much, Tom? Tom: On occasion. >The large bat landed on her collarbone and struck out with his fangs, Crow: Go west, young bat ... >biting deeply into her throat, sucking loudly on her blood. Tom: So, she's dead, then. >The roar of a rifle echoed down the passageway Tom: Well, maybe not. Mike: It's RAMBO! >as Vincent shot the large bat dead center, making it explode from the >impact. Crow: (Bat) I knew I shouldn't have mixed Coke and Pop Roooooocks ... >Bat ichor splattered across Tifa's slack face All: (Old guy) Slacker!!! >before Vincent fired off a series of rounds, each bullet killing a >feeding bat. Tom: (Vincent) Let's see ... Vlad *bang* ... Varnae *bang* ... Brad Pitt *bang* ... >The remaining members of the flock Crow: Were either stuck in crappy angles like Van Hammer, or given cruiserweight titles. >flapped away in a panic, Mike: (Bat, British) Run away! Run away! >getting extra encouragement to flee from several more loud blasts of >Vincent's rifle, Death Penalty. Crow: (ominous) The Penalty is DEATH! >The red cloaked man walked over to Tifa's prone form, Tom: (Vincent) Well, well, well ... look what the bat dragged in ... >then bent down to pick the girl up. He gently carried her to his >chamber, All: *hum the wedding march* >lying her inside one of the shattered coffins that lined the room's >walls. Tom: (Undertaker) Now she shall rest ... in ... peace ... Crow: *imitates sound of a bell gonging* >Vincent removed Tifa's green Restore materia from her gauntlet Tom: (Vincent) Just take this for safe-keeping ... heh heh heh ... >and fastened it to one of his arm braces. Mike: Ah, he must've gotten that by doing all those top-rope elbow drops. >He placed his hand over the woman's heart, then concentrated, All: *make grunting sounds* Tom: (Vincent) Damn ... peanut butter ... >commanding the materia's magic to activate. Crow: (Materia) Yeah, yeah ... hold yer horses, I'm GETTIN' to it ... >A green glow surrounded Tifa's body, Mike: Suddenly, she has a refreshing mint flavor! >sealing all of the bats' bite marks All: *make suction cup sounds* >and replenishing her depleted blood supply. Tifa took a deep breath, Mike: *quietly* Gi-gaaaaaan-tor ... >then slowly opened her eyes, gazing up at Vincent in confusion. Tom: (Tifa) Where my binky? >"The bats?" >"Gone. I took care of them." Crow: (Vincent) I replaced them with Val Kilmer. >"Thank you, Vincent. I came to see you." Mike: (Tifa) Can I borrow a cup of death? We're all out ... >Vincent didn't reply, Tom: For his Instant Messanger was blocked. >he removed the Restore materia from his bracer, then handed it back to >Tifa. Mike: (Vincent) Fine, *take* your stupid materia, ya big meanie ... >She replaced the green orb on her Premium Heart Crow: So ... what, her breast fell off? Tom: No, they wouldn't be green, Crow. >and tentatively climbed out of the coffin. Tom: (Tifa) Gawd, I feel undead all of a sudden ... >Vincent backed away several feet, regarding Tifa with his cold eyes. Mike: Regarding Tifa. >"Cloud and Barret have disappeared. Crow: (Tifa) We left them at the hot dog stand and now we can't find them! >I went to Nanaki for help, he told me that Tom: (Tifa) ... I was a slut and nobody liked me. >both of them are in the City of the Ancients." >"Why did they go there?" Mike: To advance the plot, maybe? Tom: (Tifa) They ran off to get married. That hussy Barret! How dare he! >"Cloud went looking for Aeris, I think. Tom: Hence the title, "The Quest For Aeris". >Barret went after Cloud to bring him back to Midgar." >"What do you want with me?" Crow: (Tifa) It's been several pages since the last sex scene and I need to get raped by something, damn it! >"I need your help. I need you to come with me and Nanaki to help rescue >Cloud." Tom: (Leia) Help me, Obi-Wan Kinobi ... you're my only hope ... >"Perhaps he doesn't want rescuing. Mike: Ouch. *ZING!* >I observed that Cloud and Aeris were quite close during our past >quest." Crow: The constant moaning sounds coming from their room must've clued him in ... >"Things are different now. He needs me." Tom: (Tifa) He needs a REAL woman, with breasts and everything! >"So you say. Why should I help you?" Mike: Uhm ... because she's your friend, maybe? Besides, it's not like you had much ELSE to do, besides lay in your coffin all day. >"What do you want?" asked Tifa with a frown. Tom: Oh, lord ... I see where THIS is going ... >"Do you want money…materia?" Crow: (Tifa) Because, after all, it *is* a materia world, and I *am* a materia girl ... >"No. I want love, for one night." Mike: (Chaos) I want to do a little dance, make a little love, and get down tonight. Tom: Somewhere, the producer of Indecent Proposal is crying. Crow: *pleading* But what about LOVE? >"What? You're kidding!" Mike: This is PJ, Tifa. He's *NOT* kidding. >"I am not." Tom: (Tifa) Are too! Crow: (Vincent) Am not! Tom: (Tifa) Are too! Crow: (Vincent) Am not! >Tifa gazed down at the floor, Mike: (Tifa) Uhm ... pass! >noticing that her shirt was heavily torn, exposing more of her belly >and chest than she was comfortable with. Tom: She had really been packing away the Snickers lately, and it showed ... >She blushed and glanced up at Vincent, then looked away when she saw he >was staring at her in deep concentration. Crow: (Stupid) Duh-huh, pretty girl ... >"Okay," whispered Tifa softly, Mike: Of *course*. After all, what are women but mindless sex toys? >hardly believing what she had just said. Tom: Yeah, that's a common reaction when you're written badly OOC ... >"Excellent," hissed Vincent just before he shuddered violently. Tom: (Vincent) Woah ... what just happened? I wasn't acting really, really out of character again, was I? >Tifa backed up against the rock Crow: (The Rock) Hey, lady, get your roody-poo candy ass off the Rock! >wall of Vincent's chamber as he doubled over in pain, Mike: *sadly* He shouldn't have eaten that bean burrito. Tom: *same* Why don't they look? >his clothing ripping loudly. Crow: Well, there goes that Fubu jersey he payed a hundred Gil for ... >Vincent began to grow, Tom: Eh, don't feel bad, Vince. That's a normal reaction around Tifa. Mike: Tom ... >his skin turning into a deep purple All: Oni?!? Crow: Nah, I think he's talking about Vincent's demon Limit Break ... Tom: Are you sure? Crow: Not really. Hell, PJ could be talking about the photosynthetic patterns of hydroponic plant life for all we know ... >while his handsome features contorted and changed. Mike: How can he tell he was handsome? His face is always covered, remember? >The man became seven…eight…nine feet tall, Tom: (Vincent) I'm huge! >his arms and legs bulged with purple muscles, Mike: (Vincent) I here to pump ... *clap* ... you up! >and wide red wings sprouted and spread apart from his large back. Crow: ... and did battle with the Jayhawks. >"Chaos," murmured Tifa, Mike: "Crap," muttered Mike. >her eyes wide with fear. Tom: Really? I thought that was just because she was an anime character ... >"Tasty sweet meat," Crow: (Choas) Me like Bar-B-Q! >growled Vincent/Chaos before he lunged forward, Mike: (Chaos) HIKEBA! >claws grasping. Tom: Y'know, this guy's starting to sound like J.R. Grant for some reason ... Crow: Really? Tom: Well, provided you ignore the fact that he's nine feet tall and a sociopathic rapist ... >Tifa raised her arms across her breasts Mike: (Tifa) My breasts! You can't have them! >but Chaos ripped her torn shirt from her body, then tore off her short >leather skirt. Crow: Chaos learned his lovemaking skills from reading "A Sorcerer, A Demon, and Emeralds" ... Tom: Does Chaos have no concept of how buttons work, or what? >Chaos slammed Tifa into the side of a coffin Tom: (JR) BIG bodyslam by Choas! This could be all over! Crow: (Tifa) I get slammed through coffins with the greatest of ease ... >so hard it shattered beneath her All: *singing* Shadoobie ... sha-ttered ... >and she fell into the container's cushioned interior. Mike: The new improved Coffin '99! With cushioned interior, bucket seats, and really flimsy sides. >Chaos sniffed Tifa's crotch with his purple muzzle, Tom: (Chaos) I smell ... BACON!!! Mike: Tom ... Crow: More like tuna ... Mike: Crow! >prying her legs apart with his clawed hands. Tom: Little did Chaos know that Tifa now protected her vagina with the Club (tm)! >He licked Tifa's pussy with his long, red tongue, then began lapping up >her cunt, Crow: Y'know, this is starting to bear an unholy resemblance to that unpleasant little Oni/Samantha Jones lemon I read ... Others: Say WHAT?!? Crow: Later. >moving faster and faster Tom: (Chaos) Must go faster, must go faster, go go go gogogogogogogo ... >until Tifa was moaning with bliss. Mike: Can we PLEASE leave Gen13 out of this? Dr. F: *over loudspeakers* Oh, he's got those too, believe me ... Tom: God help us all ... >Chaos crushed Tifa's tits with his claws, Crow: Y'know, if I had a point of reference, I'd probably be wincing right now. Mike: Looks like the females in our audience know how we feel when the penis-chopping jokes start flying ... >digging bloody red furrows into her white skin Tom: Ah, now he's going to bury a bone in her and dig it out later. Crow: You got that right ... Tom: Wha ... *pause* ohhhhh. >as he squeezed the round melons until her nipples were hard and erect. Mike: Y'know, guys, I'm longing for the subtle intricacies of Kefka right about now ... >He gnawed on Tifa's brown nipples, Tom: (Chaos) Tastes like chicken ... >pinching them with his fangs while Tifa groaned and writhed. Crow: Geez, at this rate he'll bite her boobs completely off by the time the scene's over ... >Chaos backed away from Tifa's naked body Mike: (Cop) Take your hands off the CGI character and slowly back away! >and dragged her up by her shoulders. He positioned his huge erect cock All: Oh, of *COURSE*. Mike: Why does it seem like every lemon we get sent has to have at least one hugely disproportional monster phallus in it? Tom: Because most hentais are Overfiend fans? Crow: Because the lemon writers are trying to compensate for ... Mike: Crow, stop right there. >in front of Tifa's face, Tom: (Chaos) Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. Does this bug you? >rubbing the dripping head against her soft red lips. Mike: These lemon characters have been watching DX far too much ... >Tifa inhaled his arousing, heady musk, Tom: Malibu Musk? Crow: (Butthead) Huh-huh-huh-huh. He said "head". >then fastened her mouth over the throbbing tip of Chaos' tool. Tom: But why would she want to suck on his power drill? Mike: I'll explain later, Tom ... >The monster purred with ecstasy, Crow: So he's a cat now? What, did Oscar co-author this thing? >thrusting out his hips Mike: Look out, he's doing the Time Warp again! >while Tifa licked her tongue all over the top of his pole. Tom: Flickering and lickering ... Mike: This is no time for "Games", Tom ... Crow: Guys, do you have ANY idea how often we've recycled that riff? Tom: So? Mike: Never mess with the classics, I say. Crow: *sighs* >She slowly slid the humongous cock into her mouth, her cheeks becoming >taut as she sucked deeply on his member. Crow: Good thing she licked it before she sticked it ... >Tifa rubbed her hands back and forth over Chaos' tool, Tom: (Tifa) Wax on, wax off ... >caressing his rod of meat Mike: Rod of Meat? When did PMS join this lemon? >while she suckled loudly upon it. Chaos growled deeply Crow: (Chaos) OUCH! Watch the teeth there, Tifa ... >as he pumped his cock back and forth inside Tifa's hot mouth, her >throat caressing Tom: Before you give blowjobs to giant evil demons ... Caress! >every pulsing inch of his blade. Mike: Can we please leave Wesley Snipes out of this? Crow: His "blade"? When did this become La Blue Girl? >Tifa slid her lips across the underside of Chaos' cock, Tom: (Chaos) Man! And to think, all this time I was wasting my time in that stupid Temple of Fiends ... >then sucked wetly on his large balls. Crow: (Imitating prankster) Excuse me, do you have 10-pound balls? Mike: (Imitating bowling manager) Yes we do ... Crow: (Imitating prankster) How on earth do you walk, then? >She rubbed her beautiful face in his batch of purple pubic hair Tom: (Tifa) Hmmmm ... nope, Aeris isn't here ... >and licked his testicles with her delicate tongue Crow: That's a horrible misuse of a great emulator ... Mike: That's "NESticle", Crow ... >until he almost climaxed. >Chaos sat down on his ass Mike: Because he was a lazy bum like that. Tom: *sing* He sits on his ass, she works her hands to the bone ... Crow: Oh, she's working a bone, alright ... Mike: Crow ... >and leaned back onto his outspread wings. Crow: So basically, he's just sitting back and waiting for the chicks to roll in. >Tifa crawled on top of Chaos, Crow: Holy ... it worked! Tom: Good thing Tifa's still on top of the situation ... >then slowly covered his glistening cock with her dripping pussy. Tom: "Glistening"? What, did he cover his area with sequins or what? >Tifa moaned loudly, Crow: (Tifa) GET ME OUT OF THIS STUPID LEMON!!! >her eyes squeezed shut with pleasure as she sat down on Chaos' lap, Mike: (Tifa) For Christmas, I want a Super Silicone Barbie doll, a new bra, a bottle of Spanish Fly for Cloud ... Crow: (Tifa) And the vibrator! Don't forget the vibrator! Mike: Crow ... >forcing his member deep into her tight vagina. Tom: Tight? PLEASE! She's characterized like Kelly Bundy in this fic, and you claim she's *TIGHT*?!? Crow: Well, she could've been doing exercises ... Tom: Oh, bite me. >The naked girl placed her hands on the monster's wide, firm chest and >began humping back and forth, Crow: *singing* Wanna see you wiggle it ... just a little bit ... >shoving her cunt onto her lover's shaft. All: SHAFT! Tom: Man, I tell you, that Shaft is one bad mutha ... Others: Shut yo mouth! Tom: I'm just talkin' bout Shaft! Mike: I just hope it's not Rob Liefeld's Shaft ... >Chaos moaned, baring his white fangs Crow: Somewhere, Jack London is crying. Tom: I see Chaos has been brushing with new Extra-Strength Colgate. >while Tifa fucked his cock, her large breasts bouncing with each thrust >of her shapely hips. Crow: *drools* Mike: *singing* Follow the bouncing breasts ... Tom: Hey, she's doing the Macarena! Well, the French version, anyway ... >Tifa's bare ass slid back and forth, Tom: What's another word for pirate treasure? Crow: BOOTY! BOOTY! BUH-BUH-BUH-BOOTY! Tom: That's what it is ... >the buttocks spreading apart to make room for the huge cock Mike: Hey, there's always room for Jello ... >that barely fit her moist pussy. Crow: New Sara Lee Pussy Mix. Now 200% more moist! >Tifa and Chaos moaned in unison, their ecstatic cries All: *apathetic* Yay. >reverberated along the stone chamber's walls as their bodies rammed >together, Tom: (Commander) Approach the lemon, men ... RAMMING SPEED! >the girl's cunt coating the monster's cock with her sticky honey. Crow: Honey-coated Cocks! The new delicacy from Shinra Foods, Inc. Mike: *sickly* Crow ... >Tifa fucked Chaos again and again until he roared with an orgasm, Mike: (Oracle) Tifa, with strength, fuck Chaos again and again until he cum. >his screams shaking the room so badly All: *singing* Whole lotta shakin' goin' on! >that rock chips fell from the ceiling. Tom: (Thinker) Then, house explode. >Tifa climaxed more quietly, Crow: (Tifa) Did the room shake for you, too? >and then slid off the panting monster to retrieve her torn clothing. Mike: (Tifa) Ow ... ow ... ow ... >Chaos lay limply on the floor, Tom: (Tifa) Oh, poo. I broke him. >shuddering as he shrank back into the body of Vincent. Crow: Shrinkage is a sad thing ... >"Are you ready to go?" Tom: You mean they haven't started yet?!? All: ARRRRGHHHHH!!!! >"Yes, Tifa. I will accompany you until your quest is over." Mike: (Vincent) So the author can write lots more trite monster-sex scenes ... >Tifa nodded in acknowledgment, Crow: (Tifa) You're not my real father! >then waited while Vincent put on fresh clothes. Tom: No one will be seated during the incredible "dressing" scene! >He gathered several spare sets of clothing, placing them in a leather >satchel that he slid over his right shoulder. Mike: (Vincent) Better make sure I brought my clean underwear ... >He hung two belts of ammo over his shoulders, then picked up Death >Penalty, Tom: The part of Vincent Valentine will now be played by Rambo ... >idly brushing rock chips off its polished surface. Crow: Vincent Valentine. Shapeshifter and member of the NRA. >Tifa straightened her shredded shirt, Tom: Uhm ... what shirt? I thought Chaos tore it off of her? Mike: So did I ... apparently Kefka's not the only one who can ret-con ... >the garment almost see-through with rents. Crow: Hey, at least he contrived her a nice casmere sweater in the deal! >She smoothed out her torn skirt, that left her thighs bare to her hips, Tom: Which is still pretty damn good, considering it was TORN TO SHREDS EARLIER ... Mike: Calm down, there, Tom ... it's just a lemon ... >and led the way out of the catacombs. Crow: Stopping to kill a few Gremlins and Salem Witches along the way ... Mike: Wrong game, Crow. Tom: I'm starting to wish Alucard would just show up and run the whole lot of them through ... >Vincent followed quietly behind Tifa, dispelling the purple light as he >progressed up the tunnel. Mike: (Motherly) And turn the lights off when you leave! Tom: (Vincent) Yes, mother ... >The couple climbed the stairs back to the mansion, Tom: Awww ... they're so cute together ... Crow: INTENSE ... CLIMBING ... ACTION! >passing through the immense entry foyer Crow: Do not pass the foyer, do no collect 200 gil. >before re-emerging outside into the rain. All: *singing* Rain ... fell it on my fingertips ... hear it on the windowpane ... >"Tifa! Are you okay?" growled Nanaki as he raced forward through >puddles of water. Mike: Hey, I guess it really *is* raining cats and dogs ... >"Yes. Vincent saved me from some black bats. Tom: (Tifa) Fortunately, they weren't Louisville Sluggers, so we took 'em out easily. >They managed to get a few bites in before he chased them off." Crow: Which would explain the enormous, gaping tears in her clothes ... >Nanaki examined Tifa for overlooked wounds, Mike: (Nanaki) You smell strangely like demon sperm ... you weren't forced to have sex with a huge shapeshifting demon, were you? Tom: (Tifa) Oh, of course not! Hee-hee ... heh ... >then turned to offer Tifa fresh clothes from the bag that lay across >his right flank. Crow: He kept all their clothes in there, along with their bedpans and plungers and ball peen hammers ... Tom: And spackle. Lots and lots of spackle. >"Let's get inside first. We'll wait out the rain before continuing." Mike: (Tifa, singing) You know I'd like to keep my cheeeeeks dry today-yay-yaaaay ... >Nanaki and Vincent nodded their agreement Crow: (Nanaki) Humor her for now. Which hole do you want when we get her in the sack? Mike: Crow ... >and followed Tifa as she sprinted for her childhood home. All: *British* Run away! Run away! >The trio entered the dry silent house, the two males walking into the >living area, Crow: Wha ... so the house is alive? Tom: Yup, just like Castlevania. >while Tifa closed and locked the door behind them. She shook out her >long, black hair, Mike: Produced by the same government agency that produced the black UN helicopters and the black buses ... Tom: You've been reading John_-_Winston posts again, haven't you, Mike? >then combed it with her fingers, squeezing out the cold rainwater. Crow: (solemn) Yet it could never be as cold as Tifa's cold, cold heart ... >Vincent built a fire and ignited it Tom: Ah, so it was VINCENT that started the fire! Mike: *singing* You start the fire in me ... >as Nanaki closed all the windows and climbed upstairs to seal the upper >panes. Crow: They're freshness sealed so you know you're getting high-quality upper panes at a premium price! >Tifa entered the living room, her eyes gazing out the wide windows at >the storm that raged outside. Mike: Bad lemons are like a storm raging inside- Tom: We already used that riff, Nelson. Mike: Damn. >Lightning lit up her pale, drawn face Crow: (Tifa) Dammit, Thor, stop messing around in my yard! >as she turned to look at the old piano that sat within a dim corner. Tom: As well as the skeletal remains of Little Richard, who had died while singing a duet with Mr. B. Natural ... >Tifa walked over to the dusty instrument, Mike: (Dusty Rhodes) We raht heah on tha mothaship ... >then sat down before it. She tapped the filthy keys softly, then played >a short tune, Tom: (Tifa) You got the right one bay-bee-yeee ... Other: Uh-huh! >remembering lessons from her youth. >"I put your dry clothes in one of the bedrooms, so you'd have privacy >for changing," said Nanaki Crow: (Nanaki) Well, other than the hidden videocamera I installed in your room. Is that OK? >as he re-appeared from upstairs. >"Thank you, Nanaki," smiled Tifa wanly Tom: Man, Tifa has seen better days. Mike: Well, she's been treated like a bargeful of medical waste in this fic so far. What do you expect? >before she kissed him softly on the head. Mike: God, not this again ... Crow: Everybody hates a wet pussy ... Tom: *begins silently smoking again* >Nanaki purred happily as Tifa left the room for the staircase. All: *breathe sighs of relief, while Tom ceases smoking* >She climbed up to the second floor and stumbled into her old bedroom, Crow: (Tifa) *hick* I'm not drunk, occifer ... *hick* see, I walk this curvy line right here ... *hick* >which happened to be the room Nanaki had left her clothes in. Tom: (Church Lady) How conviiiiienient! >Tifa collapsed onto her bed, Mike: Hup, looks like that trick knee finally went out on her. >weeping for her innocent childhood and for Crow: ... her FAR from innocent adulthood ... Tom: Let's just hope PJ doesn't decide to re-write her childhood. We'll be seeing PLENTY of pedophilia scenes if he does ... >the man she feared she had lost forever. All: *singing* Those days are gone forever ... I should just let 'em go, but ... > >==== > Crow: PJ ++++ Lemon ==== Crap. >(III) Tom: (The Final Dimension) Mike: Now you're doing it too! >Nanaki slowed to a stop, All: *make sounds of brakes squealing* >Tifa clinging to his broad back. Vincent halted on Nanaki's left, Crow: (Drill Sargeant) Company ... HALT! >barely breathing hard from running beside the agile cat. Tom: Now that is boy who keeps himself in shape. >The trio gazed at Rocket Town. The village was not nearly as impressive >as the first time they'd seen it, Crow: Yeah, after the first time, it's never quite as good ... >now that Cid's rocket was gone. Mike: Eh, it's just not the same without the big phallic symbol in the center. Tom: Been reading Freud much, Nelson? >A large black crater Mike: OK, so we have a phallic symbol disappearing, and a vaginal symbol taking its place. This is some heavy-duty psycho-stuff. Tom: Y'know, there's times when I almost think PJ is smarter than he lets on ... Crow: But then you remember the Tifa/Red XIII sex scene, and abruptly change your mind ... >marked the former resting-place of the enormous vessel. Tom: The Enterprize NCC-1701? Crow: The Millenium Falcon? Mike: The Nostromo? Tom: Deep Space 9? Crow: The Super Star Destroyer? Mike: The Titanic? Tom: Chief? Crow: McCloud! >"Will Cid help us?" inquired Nanaki. Crow: I dunno ... he's been acting a little Sycho recently, what with his stint in ECW and all ... >"I'm sure I can convince him," replied Tifa. All: *imitate porno music* >Before the companions could enter Rocket Town, a throaty roar bellowed >from within the village. All: IT IS BALLOOOOOOOON!!! Tom: "Throaty roar" ... what's Val Venis doing here? Crow: (Val Venis) Heeeeeelllllllooooo, Tiiiffaaaaa ... Mike: With PJ writing it, I wouldn't be surprised. >The trio turned to look in the direction of Cid's house, Tom: Look to this house, young graduates ... >where a twin-engine plane looking very similar to Tiny Bronco Crow: ... and yet, wholly unlike it ... >was rumbling to life. Cid stood near his home, jumping up and down, Mike: (Cid) GET ME OUT OF THIS *&^^ING LEMON!!! >waving his arms angrily, yet too frightened of the spinning rotors to >advance on his craft. All: Wha-wha-whaaaaa ... Tom: Guys, I do believe this fic just broke the Goofy Meter. Mike: Cid had long been a secret victim of rotorphobia ... >"Run, Nanaki!" urged Tifa sharply. Tom: *bored* See Nanaki run. Run, Nanaki, run. >The large red cat sprang forward, Crow: MANNIX! Mike: Ah, must be Daylight Savings Time. >eating up the distance to the revving airship. Tom: With some fava beans and a nice cianti ... *slurps* >The Tiny Bronco rolled away from Cid's house, Crow: *singing* Tie 'em up, ride 'em down, ride 'em down, roll away, from the lemon, RAWHIDE! Mike: Is that how it goes? Crow: Not really, but I ceased caring long ago ... >and began to accelerate down a wide strip of cleared land. Mike: Ah, looks like those crazy Dukes of Hazard are at it again ... >"Vincent! Transform into Chaos! Tom: (Nanaki) Tifa's horny again, and I don't think beastiality can stop it this time! Crow: (Optimus Prime) Transform and roll out! >Slow the Bronco down!" Mike: (Nanaki) O.J. must not escape us again! >Vincent quickly grew into the demonic Chaos, Tom: (Millewegian) Oh jah, the Chaos is a leetle big for him now, but he'll grow into it, don'cha know. >then launched into the air, Crow: (Mission Control) 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... Chaos, you are cleared for launch ... >beating his wide, red wings. Tom: Apparently he's not a hockey fan ... >Chaos caught up with the Bronco while it roared across the cleared >field, Crow: Because transmutating matter from a plane into a lion takes hard work ... >landing on its tail section with a loud crash. Tom: (Chaos) Oooops! Sorry ... >The impact shook the airship, Mike: Huh? When did we jump back into FF2? Crow: Next thing you know, Sephiroth will turn out to be Cloud's brother ... >slowing its take off immensely. Tom: NO! The fic doesn't NEED to go any slower! >Nanaki appeared on the field, Mike: As he teleported in with a BAMF! >running urgently towards the Bronco Crow: (Nanaki) I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for an inane lemon ... >before it picked up speed again. Tom: Because God help us if Sandra Bullock makes ANOTHER sequel ... Crow: (Keaneu Reeves) Pop quiz, hotshot. You've got a really crappy lemon and yet another senseless plot device. What do you do? What do you do? Tom: Shoot the author and be done with it? Mike: Guys ... >Tifa held tightly onto Nanaki's mane, her own black hair billowing >behind her from the speed. Mike: (stoner) Woah, man ... this is some heavy stuff ... >When the duo drew within range of the swift craft, Crow: (Robin) Holy Wright Brother, Batman! >Tifa jumped from Nanaki's back onto the tail section of the Bronco. All: *hum the music from the train scene in Back to the Future 3* >Nanaki hopped onto the crowded tail Mike: Oh yeah, the back of planes that're about to lift off are always big tourist spots ... >just as the Bronco leapt into the air, sailing gracefully over the >nearby ocean's surface. Crow: It flies through the lemon with the greatest of ease ... >A high pitched whine Crow: It's a Sailor Moon crossover! RUUUUUN! Tom: Well at least it's not Rescue Rangers, fanboy! Crow: Why you ... Mike: Hey, hey, settle down, guys. >was the only warning when a large sharp projectile spun from the >cockpit and slammed into Chaos' wide chest. Tom: (Krillin) DESTRUCTO DISK!!! >The monster roared in pain as his grip failed, Crow: (Sadly) If only he'd used his Isotoners ... Mike: I sympathise about the "roaring in pain" thing, though ... >he spun away from the Bronco Mike: (Choas) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa ... >before slamming into the churning water below. All: *SPOOSH!!!* Tom: Three points! >Tifa brushed stray hair out of her eyes, Crow: Looks like Nanaki was shedding last night ... Mike: CROW! >and spied a small human figure piloting the Bronco. Crow: (Tifa) I spy with my little eye ... Tom: Hey, it's Joe-C! Mike: You realise all of five people are going to get that joke, don't you? Tom: Like I care at this point ... >The spinning weapon returned to the pilot's outstretched right hand >just before she turned to regard her unwelcome passengers. Mike: Paul Hogan, NOOOO! >"Yuffie!" exclaimed Tifa in shock. All: *groan* Tom: Oh, great, the Brat Attack is back, Jack ... >"Hold on!" warned the young girl before she sent the Bronco Mike: ... to fetch a pail of water? Crow: ... straight to Hell in a handbasket? Tom: ... spiraling down into the deep ocean where they all died a horrible, watery death? Crow: In that case, what's on RAW? >roaring high into the air. >Tifa and Nanaki held on for dear life, Crow: (Tifa) Ahhhh!!! Don't ride the wild mouse, it's not saaaaafe ... >the turbulence desperately tearing at their bodies. Mike: (Stewardess) In case of turbulence, please make sure your tray tables are in their full upright and locked positions. In case of lemon scenes, please make sure your airsick bags are in their open and ready-to-barf positions ... >Yuffie giggled maliciously as she Crow: ... inexplicably transformed into the Joker. Tom: Mark Hamill lemons? *shudders* >guided the Bronco west across the calm blue sea. After several hours, Tom: ... the stupid lemon was STILL going on ... Mike: Precious, finite hours of our lives we can never have back ... >the Bronco approached a narrow island. Mike: Madagascar? Crow: Oahu? Tom: The Floating Island? Crow: I thought that got blown up? Tom: Nah, it got better. >Yuffie turned the Bronco sharply to port Tom: ... causing it to spiral out of control and crash down to a firey death. The end. >and dove down towards a small village. The ground rushed up to meet the >swift airship Crow: (Ground) Hey there! How's it going? >until it smashed into a small stand of trees. Mike: Good thing Joe-Bob's Trees-While-U-Wait was there to break their fall ... >Branches snapped Tom: (Shamrock) GET OUTTA MY WAY!!! >across the Bronco's wings while other limbs beat painfully upon Tifa >and Nanaki. Crow: Looks like they whipped it ... whipped it good! >Tifa lost her grip first, disappearing in a flurry of clutching >branches. Nanaki yelled after Tifa, Tom: (Nanaki) Stay alive! Whatever may occur, I will find you ... >then was knocked from the Bronco's tail section by a particularly wide >tree limb. All: Wha-wha-wha-wha-whaaaaaaa ... >The Bronco bounced onto a flat plain after passing through the wood, Bots: Huh-huh-huh, huh-huh-huh, "wood". Mike: I've gotta stop letting you guys watch Beavis and Butt-head reruns ... Tom: Would you prefer we watch The Real World? Mike: ... Good point. Carry on. >grinding to a halt battered and covered with leaves. Crow: Takes a licking and ... well, falls apart, actually. >Yuffie jumped out of the Bronco's cockpit, Crow: Again ... MANNIX! >examined the craft briefly, Tom: (Yuffie) It stinks! >then ran north towards the village. > >*** Tom: Three stars? That's it, when I get down to Earth, Leonard Maltin's getting a visit from a VERY angry robot ... Crow: First "The Undead", now this ... > >Tifa groaned, Mike: (Tifa) I've got a headache this big, and it's got this lemon written ALL over it! >then staggered to her feet. Crow: (Tifa) Ooooo ... I knew I shouldn't have had that lemon tequila before I left ... >She looked down at her torn shirt and bruised bare legs, then vainly >brushed the dirt and foliage from her clothes Tom: Because God forbid a female should be able to actually DO something ... >before stumbling out of the ravaged wood. All: *snicker* Crow: Yeah, Tifa's ravaged some woods in her day, I'll tell you ... >The beautiful girl left the stand of trees, Mike: *singing* Stand in the place of your trees, then face north ... >entering a green plain with the ocean lapping to the east. Tifa looked >around for Nanaki, then walked north after failing to find him. Tom: (Tifa) Heeeere, kitty-kitty-kitty ... >She approached the village, which she remembered was called Utai. Crow: Gesundheit. >A squad of armored guards rushed to the edge of town Mike: (Guard) Hey! It's the author's pet! I get first dibs! Tom: (Guard) We're sorry, ma'am, but we close at five. If you'll just come back tomorrow ... >when they spied her, pikes held at the ready. Tifa raised her gloved >fists, Tom: (Tifa) Black Power! >then charged into the soldiers. All: *make sounds of trumpets blowing* CHARGE!!! >With the power of Premium Heart, Crow: (Darth Vader) Do not underestimate the power of the breasts. >Tifa easily beat the guards into unconsciousness. Tom: Instructions: Put soldiers in bad lemon and beat thoroughly. >She marched into Utai, her guard up for further obstacles. Crow: Unfortunately, she missed the speed bump, and promptly fell on her face. >The town was strangely quiet, Mike: ... a little TOO quiet ... >no villagers walked the streets, Tom: Ah, the Godfather must've been here. Crow: Why do you say that? Tom: All the ho's are gone ... Mike: ... >and none of the shops were open. Crow: (Tifa) No International House of Pancakes? The horror! >Tifa went to Godo's house, Tom: Godo? The sweaty guy from "Time of the Apes"? Mike: Do not pass Godo, do not collect $200. >carefully sliding the paper door open. The town elder did not appear to >greet Tifa, Tom: He appeared instead to be sleeping. >the house was deathly silent. Mike: Ah, Marc Calloway must've bought it since she was last here. >Tifa closed the door behind her, then walked to the candle-lit shrine. Crow: (Tifa) Odd ... I've never seen a shrine devoted to the Overfiend before ... >The square room was filled to capacity, Mike: ... for WWF RAW, live from Utai! >villagers pressed tightly together as they knelt in worship. Tom: (Villager) Ohhh, mighty lemon god, please deliver us from PJ ... >A gorgeous woman with long flaming red hair Crow: Gillian Anderson? Mike: Caitlin Fairchild? Tom: Shirley Manson? Others: Say WHAT? Tom: Hey, I LIKE the "freaky girl" look ... >sat in a lotus position facing the prostrate villagers. Tom: (Woman) Hello there. Did you bring a dish to pass? >Writhing purple tentacles All: ... Crow: I was just kidding about the Overfiend thing ... >traveled from her naked body to each of the worshipers. Tom: ... Good god ... it's Demon Beast Invasion all over again ... Mike: Y'know, this is still marginally more believable than the Ministry of Darkness ... >Yuffie knelt directly in front of the woman, Mike: (Yuffie) Bless me, oh tentacle demon, for all I think about is sinning ... >a tentacle burrowing deeply into the base of her neck. Crow: She's raping her NECK? Tom: Hey, all things considered, I'm not complaining. >"Jenova?" whispered Tifa, recalling the evil creature's glistening, >purplish flesh and overpowering stench. Mike: (Tifa) I detected your foul stench when I was brought onboa-wait a minute ... >"Yes. You missed a piece of me," smiled the woman Tom: Odd, I didn't miss her much. Crow: I mean, she turned into a giant ball with really funny-looking arms. That's not the most threatening sight. >while she rose gracefully to her bare feet. Tom: Wa-wa-wa-wa-wah, wa-wa-wah, wa-wahhhh ... Mike: And so the tentacle demons did rise up, and smote the large- breasted heroine utterly ... >She retracted her limbs back into her naked body, the openings sealing >over with new pale flesh. Crow: (Jenova) When I need to grow new flesh, I use Shinra brand moisturizer to make sure it stays smooth and clean ... >The worshiping villagers fell into an unconscious heap Mike: Yeah, all that bowing and scraping takes a lot out of a fellow ... >as Yuffie turned to face Tifa, her Conformer shuriken ready to cast. Tom: (Yuffie) You WILL like the Backstreet Boys, or face my wrath! Mike: Huh? Tom: Conformer ... Mike: Ah. >"Why did you have Yuffie steal the Little Bronco?" Crow: (Jenova) OJ took my other one. Any other questions? >"I need transport to the City of the Ancients. Mike: They have 50% on all undergarments, and I simply MUST be there! >There is an enormous gathering of Mako energy there, I must have it." Tom: OK, when did this fic become Highlander? Crow: Just as long as Duncan beheads somebody, I'll be happy ... >"No, I'll kill you first," swore Tifa Mike: Famous last words. Right alongside "At least it can't get any worse" and "your outnumbered; we'll kick your butt!" >before she sprinted towards the smiling woman. Tom: (Jenova) The doctors gave me the most *delightful* gas ... >Yuffie hurled Conformer at Tifa, the huge shuriken tearing the air as >it spun towards the young woman. Crow: (Marv Albert) 3-Point attempt! >Tifa knocked Conformer aside with Premium Heart, Crow: (Same) DENIED! Mike: Unfortunately slicing her hand off at the same time ... >then jump kicked Yuffie, knocking the girl into the wall behind her. All: *singing* Everybody was kung-fu fighting ... Bots: HA! >Jenova grew three long tentacles, Mike: Because a lemon's just not a lemon without some tentacle rape ... >the limbs shooting out like gleaming spears towards Tifa. Tom: And our next contestant on the javelin throw ... miss Jenova! >The girl jumped over the tendrils as they smashed into the floor, Crow: *singing* If you're happy and you know it, jump over a tentacle ... >then she charged Jenova, slamming Premium Heart into the woman's face. Tom: (Tifa) BITCH! Crow: (Jenova) WHORE! Mike: This is just like Jerry Springer ... only with more tentacles. >Bone crunched loudly Mike: Fone Bone? NOOOOO!!! >within the dimly lit room as Jenova staggered back, her nose a >flattened ruin. Crow: Y'know, this is ironic, because Jenova had always wanted a nose job ... >Blood dripped from Jenova's mouth as she laughed mockingly. Mike: (Jenova) OH, that Carrot Top cracks me up .. >The three tentacles retracted from the floor, then dove after Tifa Tom: Hey, it's diving for Tifa! The hip new game for the whole family! >as she tried to evade their approach. Crow: (Tentacle) I am approaching the vagina, over. Tom: (Tentacle) Roger that, Tentacle 1. We'll cover you, over. >One tentacle punched Tifa in the back of her left leg, forcing her to >her knees. Mike: Ah, taking out the legs. A good strategy when facing a larger opponent. >A second limb smacked her in the head, Tom: (Tentacle) Smack my bitch up! Crow: (Tentacle) Youse best have my money, sistah, or youse be eatin' through a straw! Mike: TENTACLE TO THE HEAD! >making her dizzy with pain. Crow: (Tifa) Duhhh ... I like muffins ... >As the third tendril dove down, Tifa punched it with Premium Heart, >splattering it apart in a cloud of gore. All: Ewwww ... Tom: Well, guess we don't get to see the anal raping this time ... >Jenova screamed in agony Mike: (Jenova) MY BINKYYYYYY!!! >then aimed her human arms at Tifa. Crow: As opposed to, what, her hedgehog arms? >A blue cloud formed around Jenova's hands Tom: (Jenova) Ooops, sorry! Shouldn't have eaten Taco Bell before we started filming ... heh ... >before a shaft of compact water burst out, Tom: (Jenova) SHINING AQUA ILLUSION! >slamming into the prostrate Tifa. Tifa slid across the shrine room, Crow: (Tifa) Glub-glub ... this is gonna KILL my hair ... glub-glub ... >bumping into unconscious villagers until she crashed into a dense pile >of them. Mike: HOGPILE! >Water gushed over Tifa's chest and face, it filled her nose and mouth >until she was coughing for air. Tom: Now, see, this is why you should never mock a fire hydrant ... >When the water assault ended, Tifa staggered to her feet, then fell >back Crow: (Tifa) Jump back! Kiss myself! >when Yuffie jump kicked her in the stomach, sending her flying over a >pile of prone bodies. Mike: (KI announcer) HYPER Combo! >Tifa fell with a splash, Tom: He-he-he-ho, wipeout ... Crow: She's makin' a big splash in this fanfic ... >landing in a puddle of chilling water. Tom: Y'know, she should really just chill ... heh-heh ... ARRRGHHHH!!! It hurts it hurts ithurtsithurtsithurtsssss ... Mike: There, there, Tom, it's OK. You made it through Artemis' Lover and Pfil's Spider Troubles, we can make it through this. Tom: *sniffles* But they weren't this LOOOONG ... Crow: Oscar Toon was, though. Remember, Tom? Tom: Good point. *straightens up* C'mon, PJ! Gimme your best shot! Mike: That's the spirit, Tom! Tom: Bite me! >Yuffie marched to where Tifa lay, then kicked her cruelly in the face. All: BOOT TO THE HEAD! >Tifa's body lurched back, Tom: (Tifa) You raaaang? Uhhhhhhh ... >then returned down to the water soaked floor. Crow: It's always good to see a girl return to where she came from ... >Tifa lay helplessly on her back, her face burning with pain, the taste >of blood thick in her mouth. Tom: ... OK, that confirms it. Guys, I think PJ is actually Kefka in disguise. Crow: But Tom, Kefka's a girl. Dr. F: *over loudspeaker* Indeed. I can assure you, this is NOT Kefka ... however, I can't promise that what I send up in the future WON'T be! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! Crow: Good one, Servo. Tom: ... >Yuffie bent down to grab a handful of Tifa's hair, then dragged the >girl Crow: (Yuffie) Yuffie like girl. Girl stay with Yuffie. EEEGAAHHHH!!! Tom: Watch out for snakes! >back to the altar where Jenova stood with a triumphant grin. Mike: (Jenova) I'm the only non-useless female in this story! Woo-hoo! >"Very good, my child," praised Jenova as Yuffie deposited Tifa before >her. Tom: Unfortunately, the deposit wasn't enough and the bank rejected it. >"Take her." Mike: Man, it's hard to be the author's favorite character in a lemon ... Tom: (Yuffie) Take her where? Can we go to McDonald's? Crow: (Jenova) *sighs* >Yuffie knelt next to the limp Tifa, Mike: (Yuffie) Will you marry me? Tom: GYAH! BAD idea there, Mike ... >then crudely tore off the girl's clothes. Crow: Does Tifa have ANY clothes left at this point? Tom: Why would you care? Crow: Oh, I'm just curious as to how much to drool. >Tifa moaned weakly as Yuffie spread her legs apart Mike: (Tifa) Not again ... can't PJ have somebody ELSE get raped for once? >and bent down to suck on her pussy. Crow: Uhm, PJ? It REALLY doesn't work that way ... Tom: Hey, if he doesn't know how to do it, we don't have to watch it. >Yuffie licked up and down Tifa's pussy mechanically, like a zombie. Mike: Somewhere, George Romero is crying. Crow: *singing* Zo-ombie, zo-ombie ... >Jenova purred with delight, Tom: As she lapped up the warm milk from her bowl. >then descended from the altar, her bare breasts full and alluring. Crow: Well, that supports my theory. Tom: What's that? Crow: All of the cleavage in the FF7 universe was siphoned off and given to Tifa and Jenova. It explains not only their emormous chests, but why Aeris and Yuffie are flat as washboards. Mike: You may have a point there ... >She straddled Tifa's head, All: *chanting* Hed, Hed, Hed, Hed ... >then lowered herself down Tom: (Bellman) On the bottom floor, registration, lingerie, and tentacle rape ... >until her red-bushed cunt hung within reach of Tifa's mouth. Crow: Uhm, it doesn't really "hang" either, PJ ... Mike: If Dr. Thinker were a lemon writer ... Tom: (Tifa) Wow! She IS a natural redhead! >"Suck my pussy, slut." Tom: (Tifa) Well, since you asked so nicely ... >When Tifa failed to comply, Crow: ... the IRS audited her. >Jenova extended a tentacle from her side. Mike: Oh, look, Jenova's going to do a scene from Hamlet! >The tendril slid under Tifa's head and dug into the helpless girl's >neck. Tifa gasped sharply, then became slack, Tom: As she gave herself completely to the glory of "Bob", and joined the Church of the SubGenius. >her eyes flat and empty. Crow: A female Dark Sonic. Oh, the universe DEFINATELY needed *this* ... >She pressed her mouth into Jenova's pussy, her tongue sliding deep into >the woman's musky vagina. Tom: (Tifa) Mmmm ... Old Spice. >"Yes, that's it," groaned Jenova, Crow: (Jenova) I'll make a new soft drink and name it *Crystal* Pepsi! >her eyes clasped shut with ecstasy. She thrust her hips back and forth, >running her cunt over Tifa's wanton mouth. Tom: Y'know, I've heard there's a big push to add cunt-running to the Olympic roster ... >Yuffie continued to suck on Tifa's hot pussy, Crow: So business as usual, basically. >her young lips chewing on Tifa's tender labia folds. Tifa moaned with >pleasure, Mike: While we moaned in pain. >then licked repeatedly on Jenova's clit, Tom: I say lick it ... lick it good! >washing her tongue against it over and over Mike: Y'know, clitorii used to be used as washboards back in the old days. >until it was hard with arousal. Jenova slid a tentacle out of her back, Crow: (Jenova) Yow! How'd THAT get there? >then sent it between Yuffie's slim legs. Tom: Now that's an unusual mission plan ... >The tendril nuzzled past the girl's shorts and panties, then thrust >into her tight little cunt. Mike: Let the tentacle rape begin ... >Yuffie moaned blissfully then redoubled her sucking on Tifa's wet slit. Tom: Then she tripled and quadrupled it, just to be sure. >Jenova buried her long fingers in Tifa's rich thick hair, Crow: Which hair? Mike: Crow ... Crow: Hey, it's a legitimate question ... >forcing the girl's face to press even harder into her melting crotch. All: Ewwww ... Tom: It's the Incredible Melting Crotch! Heh-heh ... uuughhhhh ... >Tifa's tongue slid up and down the entire length of Jenova's pussy, >adorning it with warm saliva until it dripped with moisture. Crow: "Adorning"? He makes it sound like a coronation! >Jenova's labia quivered with lust, Mike: Looks like it's that time again, folks. Crow, if you would? Crow: Gladly, Mike. *coughs* (Frank N. Furter) I see you shiver ... with anti- (LONG pause) Crow: -pation. Others: *cheer* >and the flesh was hot Mike: *collapses to the floor, clutching his head* AARRRRGHHHH!!! HOT!!! SPIDERS ... SPIDERS EVERYWHERE!!! THEY'RE EVERYWHE- (Suddenly, Tom moves forward, and smacks Mike upside the head with his dome) Mike: -EEE ... wha? What happened? Crow: Spider Troubles flashback. Don't worry about it, it's OK now. Mike: Ah. Good. *returns to his seat* >and engorged with blood; it shone with a deep pink sheen, Tom: Man, Charlie Sheen MUST be hard-up for work to take that role ... >glistening with heady feminine juices. Crow: Lemon juice, most likely. >Tifa devoured Jenova's honey, Mike: Winnie the Pooh would NOT be pleased ... >her mouth caressed every inch of moist pussy flesh, licking the sweet >fluid as fast as it poured from Jenova's ripe womb. Tom: Y'know, PJ sure seems to put a lot of importance in a substance that's basically just vaginal snot ... Mike: *burps* TOM ... >Yuffie rubbed her face against Tifa's naked thighs, then sucked on the >girl's clit, making Tifa groan huskily. All: (Tifa, masculine) MMMMMM ... BEEFY! >The tentacle in Yuffie's cunt pumped faster and faster, Crow: Man, what's she got in that thing? A V-8? >making the girl's ass bob up and down rhythmically. Tom: Somewhere, Funkmaster P is crying ... >Honey dripped from Yuffie's pussy, coating Jenova's tendril, allowing >it to push even deeper into the young girl's belly. Mike: But then the digestive juices kicked in ... Crow: All our tentacles come with a rich coating of honey, so you know you're only getting top-quality rape scenes! >The shrine echoed with the moans of the three females, their cries of >lust reverberated back upon them, Tom: Until finally, the volume grew so loud, all three of their heads exploded, splattering brains and gore everywhere. Crow: That was pretty dark ... but what's on RAW? >increasing their hunger for sex. Jenova orgasmed with a scream, Crow: (Jenova) I ... AM ... KEEEERRAAAAAAK!!! >her pussy releasing a fresh torrent of cum while her tentacle popped >out of Yuffie's cunt in time to spurt a stream of violet ichor across >her shorts and legs. Mike: *sickly* That's NOT Brisk, baby ... Tom: I wonder ... does the tentacle in Yuffie's pussy make Jenova a hermaphrodite? Crow: A debatable point, Mr. Servo. One could suggest that, being a shape-shifter, Jenova is actually sexless... Mike: If you two are done? Bots: Well, EXCUSE us ... >Jenova took her tentacles back into her body, Crow: (Jenova) No more tentacle rape for you two! >then staggered away from the two prone girls. Yuffie stood up, Tom: (Yuffie) Hee-hee-hee ... now you die! >awaiting further commands, while Tifa lay limply in a puddle of water >and purple cum, her naked body filthy with Jenova's fluids. Crow: (Tifa) I've fallen ... and I can't get up. >Jenova claimed a patterned silk robe from the altar Mike: (Jenova) I claim this coat in the name of bad lemons everywhere! >and pulled it on, then fastened the garment shut with a silk belt. Tom: Say what you will about this tentacle demon ... at least she has plenty of fashion sense! >"Yuffie, take Tifa Crow: AGAIN?!? All: NOOOOOOO!!! >to the Little Bronco, All: *breathe sighs of relief* >we depart for the City of the Ancients immediately." >Yuffie silently walked to Tifa and grabbed the naked girl's wrists. Tom: (Yuffie) You have the right to cum. You have the right to get raped repeatedly, if you cannot find a rapist, one will be provided for you ... >She pulled Tifa out of the shrine, dragging her across the slick wooden >floor. Crow: (Yuffie) *grunt* Jeez, Tifa, what've you been EATING? *grunt* >Jenova regarded the unconscious villagers, Mike: (Jenova) And you, bite me! >then extended out her slim arms. Tom: (Jenova) Calgon, TAKE me away ... >The villagers' bodies began to glow with a brilliant green light, and >streams of energy leapt out towards Jenova's outspread hands. Crow: OK, that's it! I call Parasite Eve rip-off! Tom: I gotta agree with Crow here, Mike. This is obviously a horrendous attempt to rip off the Central Park scene from Parasite Eve! Mike: Well, true. But, if you think about it, there have been plenty of rip-offs that were not only successful, but extremely good. Heck, even George Lucas admitted many elements of Star Wars were ripped off from other movies. Bots: ... Crow: OK, you have a point, there, Mike. But it still sucks. Mike: Oh, I won't argue with that one ... >Jenova moaned with pleasure as she absorbed the life energy from Utai's >citizens. Tom: (Jenova) Friends! Utaians! Countrymen! Lend me your souls! >The woman's naked body became brighter and brighter, All: *put on sunglasses* >suffused with spirit energy. Crow: Man, I'd love to see what Ripclaw would do to this chick ... >When all of the villagers had been emptied, Jenova lowered her arms Tom: And not a moment too soon, too ... she needed some major league Deo for the B.O. ... >and walked cheerfully out of the shrine to rejoin her slave and >prisoner. Crow: (Jenova) Walkin' on sunshine ... Mike: And on that note ... Tom: Hey, the doors are open! Crow: Let's blow this taco stand, boys ... (.69 ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 .... 7) (SOL. Tom has a pointer attached to his hand, and is gesturing vaguely in the direction of a board with figures drawn on it. Among them is a stick-figure with huge breasts labelled "Tifa", and a large amount of tentacles. Crow, Gypsy, and Mike are in the foreground, watching) Tom: ... and so you see, it is actually the field that being the author's favorite character generates around Tifa that causes every- thing and their mothers to rape her ... Crow: Odd, since usually authors give their favorite characters really, really ludicrous powers and plot contrivances, instead of having them being raped by large cats. Mike: Yeah, I mean, look at Dark Sonic. Tom: Ahhh, but the difference herin lies in the author. In this case, PJ obviously likes Tifa, as she has participated in three lemon scenes so far in this fic. Therefore, she is constantly being thrown into scenes that would behoove her to have sex with various FF7 characters. Crow: So why doesn't he just have a Tifa/Cloud lemon like everyone else and be done with it? Tom: An excellent question, Mr. T. Robot. The answer is simply this; PJ is one sick puppy. Others: Ooooooh ... (Commercial sign flashes) Mike: We'll be right back. *taps it* ******* Shameless ads for the Author Avatar Association-for over a year, THE leading force in fanfiction Sports Entertainment! ******* (Mike and the Bots re-enter) Mike: Well, at least we got a brief intermission before we're back in the trenches ... Bots: *hum the tune to "Intermission" by the Offspring* > >==== All: *singing* Dashing through the snow, in a crappy lemon fanfic ... > >(IV) Crow: (Citizens on Patrol) Mike: You're really going to have to show me how you do that ... > >A bright shaft of blue light All: SHAFT! Tom: That Shaft is one ... ah, skip it, we've done this riff already. >dominated the central chamber of the Hall of the Ancients. Crow: When did Shaft join the Nation of Domination? Mike: Hey, it'd still make more sense than Clarence Mason ... Tom: You guys DO realise the Nation broke up long ago, right? Crow: Yeah, so? >The pillar of light was pure Mako energy, generated from deep within >the heart of the planet. Tom: And BOY, did the planet have a majoy case of heartburn! >Two human figures floated within the Mako beam, Aeris and Cloud. All: *groan* Mike: OK ... this lemon has officially become a cliche ... Tom: Well, hey, at least PJ's *trying* to use characterization this time. Mostly failing, but still ... Crow: OK, lemon, we found Aeris! The quest is over! Can we go home now? >Cloud levitated behind Aeris, Crow: ... as he began to go Super-Saiyan, his rage at being typefied as a cliched asshole fueling his power ... >his strong bare arms wrapped around the girl's slender waist. Tom: *SNAP!* Crow: (Aeris) AHHH! My spine! >Aeris' long brown hair fell freely down her naked back, ending at the >curve of her waist and small ass. Mike: Does PJ KNOW any non-obscene words for anatomy? Tom: Probably, but what would be the fun in that? >Cloud slid his hands up Aeris' flat stomach, then cupped her tiny >breasts. Crow: (Cloud) Now if you had saline implants, they'd be *this* big! >Aeris moaned softly, her spirit form as solid as flesh within the beam >of Mako light. Mike: So he promptly abuses the power of the Planet to score with a flower girl. Great. Tom: This version of Cloud makes Pumaman look like Optimus Prime ... >Cloud nuzzled the right side of Aeris' neck, Tom: Oh, look, I think he's trying to tell us something! >his nose buried within her thick hair. The nude warrior Crow: Kekko Kamen? >squeezed Aeris' tits, squashing them together while he rubbed his >hardened cock between her firm buttocks. Mike: Odd ... never thought Aeris would be into anal action ... >Aeris groaned in ecstasy, molding her naked body against Cloud's, Tom: For after being slain by Sephiroth, she had magically transmutated into silly putty! >her hands pressed firmly upon his muscled thighs. Mike: Ah, I see Cloud's been using Thighmaster. >Cloud massaged Aeris' breasts, caressing the soft mounds until her >little nipples were pert with arousal. Tom: Uhm ... PJ, this is NOT how you write a sweet lemon ... Crow: I dunno ... if they both weren't acting so radically out-of- character, this would actually be pretty good ... >He moved his hands to Aeris' crotch, Mike: Because property tax was a lot cheaper there, and he could get cable. >parting the soft lips of her pussy with his gentle hands. Tom: Here and Moses got stuck with the Red Sea... >Aeris gasped softly as Cloud fondled her cunt, his fingers rubbing her >tender labia until it glistened with her juices. Crow: Not to mention the sequins stamped on it ... Tom: Joining me in the darkness, Crow? Crow: Hey, I've gotta find SOME way to survive ... >The naked girl rubbed her ass against Cloud's crotch, his cock >throbbing when it contacted her wet slit. Tom: Dammit, PJ ... I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, THE VAGINA IS NOT LOCATED IN THE ASS!!! IT'S ON THE COMPLETELY OTHER SIDE, YOU TALENTLESS- Mike: *clamping a hand over Tom's mouth* WHOA, there, buddy! We don't need to get flamed, here. Crow: Yeah. Besides, we can make it through this. We've survived worse. Tom: Oh, alright ... I *still* say he needs to get his anatomy straight ... >"Fuck me, Cloud," begged Aeris desperately, All: ... Mike: Aeris! LANGUAGE! Tom: Good lord ... is there anyone in this lemon that's even REMOTELY in character?!? Crow: Somehow, I can't see Aeris, the pure-hearted Ancient, ever even THINKING the word "fuck", much less SAYING it. >her eyes closed with bliss while Cloud poked a finger into her melting >cunt. Mike: GACK! Now SHE'S melting, too! Tom: This fanfic MUST be hell ... everyone's melting in it! >Cloud grabbed Aeris' hips with both hands, then slowly shoved his >member into the girl's tight pussy. Crow: Uhm, Cloud? That's NOT how you do the Time Warp again ... >Aeris' eyes snapped open as she gasped in shock, Tom: (Aeris) Ewww! Boys! Mike: She mustve figured out how OOC everyone's been acting. >then her eyelids fluttered to slits as Cloud's shaft dove deep into her >belly. Crow: (Aeris) Poor guy ... it's so small ... ah, well, I'll humor him. >Aeris' vagina wrapped firmly around Cloud's tool Tom: That's an ... unusual way of wrapping Christmas presents. >while he began pumping in and out of her cunt. The two nude lovers >moved rhythmically as one, Crow: ... Mike, please shoot me. Mike: Why? Crow: I had the sudden urge to make a Spice Girls riff here. I am no longer worthy of functioning. Mike: Shhh, it's OK, Crow. Just keep on making hentai riffs and you'll be OK. >flesh sliding against flesh as Cloud rammed himself into Aeris' >yielding love hole. Tom: After being forced to go to traffic school, Aeris' love hole obeyed all traffic signals. >Cloud seized a handful of Aeris' long hair, Crow: Hey! C'mon, ref, pulling hair is illegal! Tom: Like that ever stopped anyone ... >then held on dearly while he shoved his cock harder into the girl's >moist slit. Aeris fondled her own small breasts, thrusting out her ass >so Cloud's member could penetrate even deeper into her warm void. All: ... Mike: Y'know, this REALLY isn't how I pictured Cloud and Aeris doing it ... >Cloud released Aeris' hair, Tom: ... after tagging it, so he could study its progress as it grew in the wild. >then slid his hands along Aeris' sides, making his way to her tits. He >placed his hands over Aeris', Crow: (Cloud) Here, let me help ya a little bit there ... >enfolding her palms and her breasts Tom: Both of them? What, does he have hands the size of Paul Wight? >while he pumped faster against her ass. All: (Aeris, apathetic) Ooooo. Harder. Faster. Oh God. >Aeris closed her eyes, Mike: (Aeris) It'll be alright ... just wait for the lemon scene to pass ... >her mouth slack and inviting Crow: Apparently, she's trying to catch flies. Tom: Probably attracted by the stench of this story ... >as she felt her orgasm approach. Mike: (Mission Control) Uh, Roger, Orgasm-1, you are cleared for approach, over. >The girl moaned breathlessly, Crow: (Peter Graves) By this time, my lungs were aching for lemons! >her pussy becoming white hot Tom: ... as the atoms in her body suddenly achieved nuclear fusion, blowing her, the hideously OOC Cloud, and the entire City to bits. The end. >until a flood of her honey burst out, Mike: Looks like the damn just broke. Crow: Why am I suddenly flashing back to "Hard Rain"? >coating Cloud's cock and legs. Cloud grunted when he released his own >load, Tom: ... in an attempt to cash in on Metallica's album of the same name. >his seed filling Aeris' small womb. >Aeris straightened All: ATTEN-CHUN! >from her bent over position, snuggling back against Cloud's strong >torso. Crow: (Aeris) My binky! >Cloud replaced his arms around Aeris' waist, Tom: Since the old ones had fallen off. >then kissed her sweaty mane of hair. Mike: (Cloud) Mmmm ... B.O. ... >"You must go now, Cloud. Crow: (Cloud) But I went before we started ... >Tifa will be looking for you." Tom: I thought this was the Quest for *Aeris*, not Cloud? Mike: Hell, even PJ's not paying attention at this point ... >"No, I want to stay with you," replied Cloud Crow: (Cloud) I want to be an ignorant asshole without concern for the feelings of anyone other than myself! >as he rubbed his nose against Aeris' scalp. >"I'm just a spirit, I can't leave this Hall." Tom: So ... if Aeris is still dead ... does that make Cloud a necrophiliac? Crow: The way this story's going, I wouldn't be surprised. >"Then I will never leave." Mike: (Cloud) I'll die a slow and agonizing death from starvation! >"Oh, Cloud, you're Tom: ... an idiot? Crow: ... a poorly-written asshole? Mike: ... in dire need of a new haircut? >alive, Tom: Well, that too ... >you should be with the living." >"You are everything to me, I don't want anyone else. All: *singing* I don't want ... anybody else ... when I think about you I touch myself ... >I love you." Tom: Well, I hate you, so there. Mike: Tom, he's just text. Besides, he can't help the way he's written. Tom: I know, I know ... >"Cloud," murmured Aeris before she turned to face her lover. Crow: (Aeris) I never noticed this before, but ... DAMN, you're ugly! >Cloud held her tightly against himself, Tom: (Aeris) Uh ... Cloud? A little too hard there ... All: *make sounds of bones breaking* >then tilted her head back to kiss her. Crow: Unfortunately snapping her neck at the same time. Mike: You two are starting to scare me ... Bots: *cackle madly* >Aeris surrendered to Cloud's embrace. Although she knew it was false, Tom: ... the question was phrased in such a way to make it appear true. >she felt alive with Cloud beside her. Mike: Must ... resist ... sentimental scene ... must ... point out ... cliches ... Tom: Sailor Mac meets Larry Flint. > >*** > Crow: Hey, it's a UFO! Tom: Eh, beam *this*. Mike: Uh, Tom? You do realise that you're physically incapable of giving people the finger, right? Tom: *sadly* I know ... >It was well into the night when Nanaki finally awoke. Tom: I don't blame him ... I wish I could've slept through that scene, too. >He groaned as he rose to his feet, Crow: (Nanaki) Ooooo ... I really gotta lay off the catnip tequilas ... >then he sniffed around for Tifa. Failing to find the girl, Nanaki left >the small wood, All: *snicker* Mike: That's OK, Nanaki ... LOTS of anthropomorphic cats have that problem ... *snicker* >emerging into the plain south of Utai. The large red cat sprinted to >the dark silent town, Tom: Then, when he found Tifa wasn't in Sonotropolis, he searched in Utai instead. >then caught a faint trace of Tifa's scent. Crow: (Nanaki) Is that tuna I smell? >He followed the trail to Godo's house, which he cautiously entered. Mike: Hate to tear those fine paper walls, after all. >Nanaki entered the pitch-black shrine, the candles burnt to stubs hours >previously. Tom: And from that day forth, the statue of Elvis they had been perched upon was called, "Stubby". >Dead bodies littered the room, Crow: Y'know, that's a $500 fine in most places. >strangely dry and wrinkled. Mike: As opposed to moist and juicy. >Nanaki twitched his nose in disgust, Tom: (Nanaki) Ewww! I slept with THAT? >continuing his search of the room until he found Tifa's torn clothing >on the floor near the shrine's altar. Crow: (Nanaki) Oh, she must be getting raped again. Eh, nothing to worry about, then. >The cat twitched his ears Mike: (Nanaki) Is that Rob Zombie I hear? >when he discovered Yuffie's scent as well as one other, the monster >known as Tom: ... Bill Clinton? Crow: ... Doug Herzog? Mike: ... Adam Sandler? >Jenova. All: Ohhhhh ... >Fearing for his friend, Nanaki raced out of the village, Mike: Nanakis come running for the rich taste of lemons! >scouring the countryside until he found the crash site of Tiny Bronco. Tom: It turned out to be hidden under a small pebble and under seige by a fire ant. >The plane was gone now, Crow: Ah, it must be one of them new-fangled Wonder Woman-style see- through airplanes. >but Nanaki sniffed the surroundings Tom: Including, oddly enough, a nearby cat's butt. >until he verified that Tifa, Yuffie, and Jenova had been here. Nanaki >sat down on his haunches, lowering his head in thought. Mike: (Nanaki) Thinking is hard ... Tom: Haunches? Is that anything like Haught? Crow: I just hope a truckload of chairs falls on this fic. >"Hey! Who are you?" Mike: Michael T. Nelson, former employee of Happy Temp Agenc...oh, never mind. >inquired a young female voice from the darkness. Tom: (Nanaki) Ah, Satan, is that you? >Nanaki leapt to his feet, spinning to face the unknown speaker, his >fangs bared threateningly. Crow: (Nanaki) WHAT?!? I have NOT had my coffee this morning, and I'm in a REALLY bad mood! >"Whoa! Nice kitty!" Mike: Hey, watch your mouth! Crow: Mike, she said nice kitty, not nice pus- Mike: AHEM! >soothed a girl dressed in a black body suit and masked hood. Tom: Ah, it must be an Amish ninja. Mike: Or maybe she's one of the Undertaker's druids. >She held a short sword tightly with both of her small hands, the blade >gleaming in the starlight. >"What's your name, little girl?" Crow: (Girl) Lolita. You? Mike: Crow ... Crow: What? This is obviously a very thinly-vieled lemon trigger ... >"I'm Hikaru, a famous and deadly ninja!" Tom: (Hikaru) And BOY, is CLAMP gonna be pissed when they find out I'm gone! >"Famous? I never heard of you." Mike: (Hikaru) Well, famous in Britain, anyway. Tom: (Nanaki) Ah, that would explain it. >"That little bitch Yuffie gets all the attention. I hate her!" Crow: Character development! Tom: Something this story desperately needs. >"Right now I don't like her much either. Tom: (Nanaki) That's why I kill her first. >Did you see them leave?" >"Yes, they flew southeast. Mike: Those bastards are running for the border! Tom: Mexico's west, Mike. Mike: Hey, I'm a product of the American educational system, leave me alone ... >I overheard the tall woman saying that they were going to Crow: (Hikaru) ... the White Sale at Penny's! And they didn't take me along, the little sluts! >the City of the Ancients. That tall lady looked really creepy and >mean." Tom: Ah, it's the return of the Creepy Girl from the Viking Women movie! >"Damn. Do you know anyone on this island who might have Tom: (Nanaki) ... any Grey Poupon? >a boat or airship?" >"Yes! There's a crazy old man named Metsua who lives in the western >mountain range." Crow: He keeps screaming at me to "Head for the mountains of Busch!" >"I will go there to get his help," said Nanaki Mike: (Nanaki) I shall accept what you say as the truth, though you have no proof and I've never met you before in my life! >before he turned to begin running west. Tom: Go West, young pussy ... Mike: Tom ... Tom: Well, he is! >"Hey! Wait for me!" Crow: (Hikaru) I haven't been raped yet! >"I do not require further help from you. Mike: (Nanaki) You are little girly-ninja, pathetic and weak. >My quest is dangerous and no concern of yours." >"I want to help you against Yuffie. If that little slut is up to >something, Tom: (Hikaru) ... it probably involves sex scenes, and I haven't been laid in months! >I want to help you stop her." >"Very well," sighed Nanaki. Crow: (Nanaki) Fine, ya big BABY ... >"Climb onto my back." >Hikaru giggled as she slid onto the big cat's body. Tom: *praying* Oh, please, Goddess Eris, let this not be another beastiality scene ... Crow: I thought Discordians didn't pray? Tom: Remember the Fifth Rule, Crow; never believe what you read. >Nanaki waited until she had a firm grip on his mane, then he shot >forward into the night. Mike: *singing* Blue streak speeds by ... Sonic the Hedgehog ... >Hikaru laughed with joy, Crow: And the dish ran away with the spoon. >relishing the feel of the wind against her masked face. All: *hum the theme to "Bonanza" again* >The duo traveled all night, approaching the mountainous home of Metsua >just as the sun broke Tom: *CRASH!* Crow: (Nanaki) Uhm ... ooops? >across the eastern horizon. Nanaki stopped to catch his breath, Mike: (Nanaki) *Huff* ... I'm getting too old for this ... *puff* >allowing Hikaru to dismount and stretch her stiff legs. Tom: Thank Eris that's the ONLY thing that's stiff ... >"That was some ride. You're really fast!" Mike: (Nanaki) Well, y'know, I did install a V-8 under my hood, and I try to keep myself in good condition ... >"Wait here. I will climb up to Metsua's home." >"No! I'm a ninja! I can climb too!" Crow: (Hikaru) I'm only here for rape fodder, but dammit, I'll do my job and do it well! >Hikaru defiantly attached climbing claws to her hands and feet then Tom: ... went out of business when nobody bought her comic books. Mike: Y'know, she could always summon Rayearth to help her out here ... >began ascending the rocky surface of the mountain. Nanaki sighed in >frustration, Mike: (Nanaki) Kids these days ... >then followed after the ninja girl, extending his own sharp claws from >his paws to climb the steep slope. Girl and cat Crow: If Ernest Miller shows up in this, I will throw myself out of an airlock. >climbed most of the morning, eventually reaching the old man's >dwelling. Tom: Only to see a sign that read, "Closed for the summer. Please come back and visit us next fall!" >Nanaki and Hikaru stopped to rest on the small ledge that led into >Metsua's cave. Nanaki led the way into the cave, his sharp cat eyes >watching out for traps. Tom: Unfortunately, his eyes were so sharp that when he turned his head too quickly, they neatly sliced Hikaru's legs off at the knees. >The duo traveled twenty feet into the cave, Mike: (PJ) Yes, that's right, EXACTLY twenty feet, to the inch. >then halted before a flat stone wall. Engraved sigils formed a crude >doorway upon the rock, Mike: Ominously proclaiming, "Eat at Joe's." Tom: Hey, look, it's one of them Stargate thingies! Crow: Think there's any chance that Ra guy will show up and fry their brains? Tom: Probably not ... >but they did not react when Nanaki and Hikaru drew close. Crow: Maybe someone of Robotnik's blood has to open it? Mike: Crow, enough with the ASADAE references already ... Crow: Oh, alright ... >"How do you open the portal?" Tom: (Hikaru) You must say the words, "Eenie meanie chili beanie ..." >"I don't know, I've never been here before," shrugged Hikaru. Mike: Jeez, this girl's a bigger load than that guy in Mole People ... >The sigils suddenly brightened with greenish radiance, Crow: So what's Kyle Rayner got to do with anything? >heralding the appearance of a door sized opening. Tom: ... as Quinn, Rembrant and company slid into yet another alternate Earth. Mike: I *still* say that Wade was much cuter than the new girl. >Nanaki glanced at Hikaru, then slowly walked through the now open >portal. Tom: Unfortunately, the portal was only one-way, and he going the wrong way ... >The ninja girl drew her short sword, Crow: In a lovely pre-Renaissance style. >scanning the area beyond the door with her Mike: ... Hewlett-Packard Scanject 5100C. >expert eye. A small entry chamber greeted the two visitors, Tom: With a large sign that said, "Greetings to the two visitors". >with a single door in each of the room's remaining three walls. Mike: Door number 1! Take door number 1! Tom: No! Take door number 2! Number 2! Crow: Door number 3, hot dammit, 3! >The central door opened, revealing a bent old man with a balding head Crow: Cherry? Tom: Happosai? Mike: Grandpa Simpson? >dressed in filthy red robes. Nanaki wrinkled his nose from the old >man's stench, Mike: (Nanaki) Phew! Smells like 70-year-old crap in here ... oh. >but tried to look respectful. >"Honored sir, I am in need of transport off this Tom: (Nanaki) ... stupid lemon. I don't know if I can take the OOCness much longer ... >island. Hikaru here said that you might be able to help me." Crow: (Nanaki) But then, she also said something about a place called Cephiro and flying God-rabbits, so ... >"My, what a charming little girl," leered Metsua as he looked up and >down Hikaru's black garbed body. Mike: A dirty old lecher? Gee, we've never seen THAT before ... Tom: (Metsua) Hellloooooo, nurse! >"I'm a ninja! You better not forget that!" warned Hikaru with a shake >of her blade. Crow: (Hikaru) I'm a female in a lemon where we only exist to cum and be raped, but fear me anyway! >"Oh, ho! Tom: (Hikaru) WHAT'D you call me? >Spirit! I like that!" cackled Metsua. >"Sir? The transport?" Mike: (Nanaki) Could we get back to the plot point, please? >"Yes, I heard you! Crow: (Metsua) My Bel-Tones are a little off these days, so sue me! >I have a flyer that you could use. Tom: (Metsua) It has "Barney the purple dinosaur is the Anti-Christ" written on it. >What can you pay?" >"I have no money. Would you consider a trade of materia?" Mike: Oh, god ... we've seen this before ... Tom: Please, Eris, no ... NOT SEX WITH THE ELDERLY!!! >"No, no! Crow: (imitating Clinton) No, no, no, no, no, no ... >I have plenty of materia! How about something else?" smiled Metsua >cunningly. Tom: (Metsua) I want ice cream! Lots and lots of ice cream! >"Oh, no, you don't! Mike: *sickly* Oh, yes, he does ... >I won't let a dirty old man like you touch me!" snarled Hikaru. Crow: Oh, if only we could believe that ... >"Then I guess we have no further business," shrugged Metsua as he >turned to leave. Tom: (Metsua) Please feel free to call my number should you reconsider, or visit my website at www.oldperverts.com ... >"Please, Hikaru. I need to rescue Tifa and Cloud!" Mike: (Nanaki) C'mon, all I'm asking you to do is have sex with a smelly old man who could have all sorts of diseases to help someone who you've never met before rescue two other people you've never met! Is that so much to ask? >"Will you watch? Crow: Do we have a choice? >To make sure he doesn't do anything really weird to me?" >"Very well," nodded Nanaki. Tom: Let's see ... Vincent's a rapist, Cloud's an asshole, Aeris is a potty-mouth, Tifa's a slut, and Nanaki's a voyeur ... Crow: Well, these guys are still way more IC than in Oscar Toon ... Tom: Point taken. >Metsua cackled with joy, Mike: (Metsua) I'm cookoo for cocoa puffs! >then led the way into his inner sanctum. Tom: (Metsua) Ignore the pentagrams and sacrifices to Cthulhu here ... >The trio entered a snug room with floor cushions Crow: Yes, even dirty old perverts enjoy the feel of a good bean bag chair. >and braziers emitting clouds of sweet smelling incense. Materia orbs >sat on shelves all across the room's walls, Tom: Man, Metsua's doing all right for himself ... Mike: Hey, there's one labeled "Utai Bowling Champion, 1985!" Wait a minute ... >their light illuminated the richly draped chamber. Metsua discarded his Crow: ... Ihsan's Shade, then brought it back next turn with an Animate Dead. >food-encrusted robe, Tom: I see Master Metsua is a messy eater ... Mike: (Metsua) Where's my bib, codsarnit? >exposing his thin, wrinkled body. All: AIGH!!! Mike: I can't see, I can't see! Tom: I'm blind! God help me, I can't feel my eyes! Crow: You don't HAVE any eyes, gumball-head! Tom: Oh. Right. >Hikaru frowned with distaste, Tom: Something I've been doing since the beginning of the fic. Mike: *slowly recovers* >then removed her mask and hood, Crow: Girls in the hood; as raped as they wanna be. >revealing a lovely sixteen year old girl's face and neck length black >hair. Tom: Yet she had the mind of a fifty year old construction worker, and the body of a 30-year-old stripper from Topeka, Kansas. >Metsua grinned with pleasure Mike: Elderly lemons; alive with pleasure! >than pointed to the floor in front of him. Crow: (Metsua) Clean this up this instant, young lady! >"Kneel down and suck my cock, All: AIIIIIIIIGHHHHH!!! Tom: Jump, jive, and then ya waiiiiiiii ... *head explodes* Crow: Duiiiii, it makes no sense, George, uhhhhhh ... *head explodes* Mike: Must ... stay ... alive ... must ... resist ... elderly ... blowjob scene ... (Mike's head swells momentarily, but stays intact) Mike: Gah ... better get to work on my 'bot friends. *pulls out the E-Z repair robot kit* >then you can have the flyer." Mike: (Metsua) Read about the advantages of war bonds where you work or bank! *tinkers on Tom* >Hikaru obeyed the old man without a word, Mike: *still tinkering* Not even a 'word to your mothah'... >removing her body suit, then kneeling naked at his feet. Mike: Ah ... THERE! *switches Tom back on* Tom: Uh ... wha? What happened, Mike? Mike: You and Crow blew up again. Can you riff while I work on Crow? Tom: Sure thing, Mike. >She took Metsua's small cock in her right hand, Tom: (Cock) Hey, lady, all I wanted was to crow at the rising sun ... >then began rubbing it back and forth. Mike: *tinkering on Crow now* (Hikaru) Wax on, wax off ... >When the member was adequately stiff, Tom: ... the Undertaker embalmed and buried it. Mike: *still tinkering* >Hikaru placed her small mouth on its tip, sucking lightly on the >engorged head. Mike: There we go ... *re-activates Crow* Crow: Wha ... oh. I blow up again? Mike: Yup. You and Tom both. Tom: Welcome back, Crow. Crow: Bite me. >Metsua groaned with bliss, Tom: (Metsua) Matlock is on! >placing his hands on his bony hips and thrusting his crotch towards >Hikaru's young face. Crow: *sickly* Nelson, you should've let me stayed dead ... Mike: Hey, now, it's not so bad ... c'mon, you can riff this! Just try! Crow: *weak* And then he did the Time Warp again. Tom: Now, see? There ya go ... Crow: Bite me. >The ninja girl allowed Metsua's cock to slide down her throat, Tom: Unfortunately activating her gag reflex and causing her to vomit all over the old man's lap. >she sucked deeply on the shaft, Mike: (stoner) Dude ... that's deep. >her cheeks taut with strain. Hikaru's head bobbed back and forth, Crow: (Busta Rhymes) I got dat head-nod shit dat make you break yo neck ... Tom: Now if only someone would put the fanfic in check ... >her mouth making wet smacking sounds as she slid her lips across the >old man's tool. Mike: I am NOT making the "finger-lickin' good" riff. >Nanaki became aroused despite himself. Tom: In dismay, he hurled himself off the top of the mountain. The end. >He could feel his cock hardening in response to Hikaru's wanton cock >sucking. Mike: Wheras I can feel my stomach churning in response to same. >He watched the young girl's ass bounce in front of him, Crow: (Nanaki) Duuuuiii ... bouncy-bouncy-bouncy ... >and he could see the slit of her pussy teasing him. Tom: (Hikaru's pussy) You're ugly and you smell bad and you'll never have a girlfriend! >He inhaled deeply with his snout, savoring the scent of her womanhood. Tom: (Nanaki) Smells like chicken! Crow: More like tu- Mike: We KNOW, we KNOW ... >He could tell she was a virgin, her cunt was fresh and untouched. Tom: Oh, Eris ... not ANOTHER beastiality scene ... >Unconsciously drooling with lust, Crow: Hey, buddy, say it, don't spray it ... >Nanaki licked his lips, then slowly advanced on the unaware girl. Mike: (Nanaki) Nibbles and bits, nibbles and bits, I'm gonna get me some nibbles and bits ... Tom: You are a sad, strange little man. >Metsua watched the cat sneak closer to Hikaru's vulnerable ass; Crow: Man, I hate it when I forget to post guards around my donkey ... >he smiled but said nothing. >Hikaru was lost in her sucking Tom: ... Implying she was ENJOYING it ... Crow: *muttering* Spirit of the Winds, I invoke thee ... Spirit of the Earth, I invoke thee ... Mike: What're you doing, Crow? Crow: Trying to summon Cthulhu to eat this abomination ... >until she felt two paws slap against her bare back, Mike: (Paws) Where our money, biznitch? >she glanced back to see Nanaki mounting her, Tom: In fact, he'd already placed the saddle on her back and had slipped his paws into the stirrups... >his rock hard cock disappearing between her tiny buttocks. Crow: David Copperfield he isn't. >Hikaru moaned in protest, Tom: (Hikaru) Hmmm hmmmhmm hmmm hmm hmmmm hmmmm hmmmmhmm hmm! Crow: Say what? Tom: I said, (Hikaru) Hmmm hmmmhmm hmmm hmm hmmmm hmmmm hmmmmhmm hmm! Crow: Ah. That's what I thought you said. >her mouth full of Metsua's cock Mike: Hikaru! Didn't your mother ever tell you not to talk with your mouth full? >while Nanaki rammed his member into her virginal pussy. Crow: But ... but ... he just *SAID* Nanaki was getting her up the ass! Mike: Shhhh, it's OK, Crow ... Crow: I mean, has this guy never SEEN a naked woman before? In an Internet with roughly a billion pictures of naked chicks, I refuse to believe ANYONE could be this ignorant of female anatomy! Tom: Maybe he's just not describing it very well? Crow: Hmmm, true. >The girl groaned loudly with pain, All: DEEP HURTING!!! >her hips twitching as a trickle of blood escaped from her violated >cunt. Tom: (John Leguisamo) You've been VIOLATED, girly-man! >Nanaki growled with pleasure, his cock squeezed by Hikaru's super tight >vagina. Crow: I suppose it's too much to hope that she crushes the thing? Mike: I'm afraid so, little buddy. >He ripped her hymen open, Mike: Revealing a nice, shiny new Beast Wars toy underneath! >then shoved his member into the girl's little belly. Hikaru became limp Tom: Hmmm ... usually that's Metsua's problem, from what I hear ... >with shock, her hands falling away from Metsua's shaft. Mike: Because it was one bad mutha ... ah, forget it. >The old man grabbed a handful of the naked girl's hair Crow: Which hair? Mike: Crow ... Crow: It's a legitimate question, hot dammit! >to keep her upright, then increased the violence of his thrusts into >her slack mouth. Tom: OK ... we're at PG-13 ... R ... X ... XX ... >Hikaru moaned while the old man rammed his cock into her mouth Crow: (Hikaru) Oh, go to bed old man! Tom: If only he would ... >and the big cat fucked her bleeding pussy. Mike: Simba, NOOOO!!! >Nanaki's claws unsheathed and bit Tom: As does this lemon. >into the smooth white flesh of her back. Crow: (Hikaru) Dammit, Nanaki, I'm NOT a scratching post! >The red feline grunted with each thrust into her cunt, his member >filling her vagina, making it ache as it struggled to widen for the >large pole. Crow: PJ, that is NOT the proper use for a barber pole ... >Hikaru trembled, Tom: (Hikaru) Suh-suh-SSSSUUUURRRGE!!! >both of her orifices dripping with male excretions. Mike: Y'know, empty beer cans, greasy pizza boxes, cigar butts ... >Drool flowed down the naked girl's chin, Crow: I hate a messy eater ... >and her tiny breasts shook as Nanaki rammed his member in and out of >her shaved slit. Tom: Odd that even though she's a virgin, she shaves herself ... Crow: Hey, gotta keep that katana sharp somehow ... Mike: Crow ... >"I think the little whore likes it," smiled Metsua maliciously, Tom: Well, of course; it IS Lemon Cliche #2034, and Eris knows we gotta get our cliche quota in. >his crotch smacking against Hikaru's beautiful face. "Fuck her >asshole." Mike: (Nanaki) WHAT did you call me? >Hikaru groaned in denial, Crow: Before the cock cums, she shall deny it three times ... Others: CROW!!! >but Nanaki was consumed with animal lust. He removed his cock from her >burning pussy, Mike: (Nanaki) Ow! Oo! Hot, hot, hot! >then shoved his engorged shaft into her little anus. Tom: Looks like she's getting the shaft ... heh-heh ... ugh. >Hikaru screamed in agony, Tom: I scream, you scream, we all scream in AGONY FROM HAVING TO READ THIS *&(^ING BEASTIALITY RAPE SCENE!!! ARRRRGHHHHHHHH!!!! Mike: Tom, calm down! Before you ... (Tom's head explodes) Mike: ... explode. Crow: Not AGAIN ... >her cries stifled by the pole of wrinkled meat in her mouth. Mike: *calmly* Crow, could you start fixing Tom up? I have to go do something. Crow: Sure. (Crow scoots over into Mike's seat, as Mike stands and walks off-screen. The sounds of retching are clearly heard as Crow gets to work on Tom) Crow: Poor meatware. Guess the Elderly Blowjob Scene was just too much for him. >Nanaki bared his fangs while he started thrusting inside the naked >girl's nether hole. Crow: BOY, was he surprised when the Malebolgia popped out and ripped it off for him... (Slowly, Mike stumbles back to his seat, as Tom is re-booted) Mike: Hoo boy, that Taco Bell doesn't look quite as good on the way out ... Tom: *coughs* >Metsua grabbed fresh handfuls of Hikaru's sleek black hair, Tom: (Metsua) HA! I see you use shampoo AND conditioner! >pumping his cock back and forth between the limp girl's lips. Crow: She's pretty much just playing lip service. >Hikaru was dazed Mike: ... and confused? >with pain and arousal, her pussy quivering as a stream of honey poured >out to pool between her bent knees. Tom: Oh, look, she's a waterfall now! >Nanaki thrust into Hikaru's ass again and again uncontrollably, Mike: JAAAAANE, stop this crazy thiiiiiing ... >his hindquarters slapping loudly against the prostrate girl's creamy >buttocks. Crow: (Hikaru) Dammit, I never had to put up with this crap from Rayearth ... >Metsua climaxed swiftly, cumming inside Hikaru's mouth, Tom: THAR SHE BLOWS! >making the girl drink all of his sticky seed. Crow: (Hikaru) Tastes like chicken! Mike: Crow ... >Nanaki orgasmed inside the girl's ass, his fluids flooding her anus Tom: I'm flashing back to "Hard Rain" for some reason ... >until they gushed out to cover her bare cheeks. The cat pushed away >from Hikaru, Mike: (Nanaki) Ged off me, biznitch! >flopping weakly to the floor in exhaustion. Tom: (Nanaki) Boy, am I tired. Wake me up for the next rape scene, alright? >Metsua nodded in satisfaction, Crow: I thought he couldn't get no satisfaction? >then walked to a nearby shelf where a glowing red materia sphere lay. Mike: (Metsua) Oooo ... shiny. >"So, my materia of Lust works. Tom: Materia of LUST?!? Crow: Now THERE'S a plot contrivance for ya. >I'll make a fortune from pimps and brothel houses," cackled Metsua >greedily. Mike: (Metsua) And then, by taking over the Godfather and his hos, I shall RULE the WWF! MWHAHAHAHAHA!!! >"Hikaru wasn't affected," protested Nanaki as the shame of his actions >crashed upon him. All: SHHAAAAAAMMME!!! >"I wasn't using it on the bitch, I was using it on you. All: Wha-wha-wha-whaaaaaaaa ... >If the materia can turn you into a sex-crazed monster, imagine what it >can do to a young girl reluctant to fuck a customer." Mike: (Metsua) And this, too, can be yours, for only $19.95! >"You're the monster!" roared Nanaki Tom: (Metsua) No, you're the monster! Crow: (Nanaki) No, YOU'RE the monster! Tom: (Metsua) No, you are! Crow: (Nanaki) You are! Tom: (Metsua) You! Crow: (Nanaki) You! Mike: Guys, enough ... before we lose what's left of our audience ... >before he leapt forward, Crow: MANNIX! >tearing into Metsua with his razor sharp claws. Tom: TOOOOG!!! >Metsua screamed briefly, Mike: (Metsua) Oh, poopie! >until Nanaki tore him into a mess of blood and gore. All: *cheer wildly* Mike: Alright! One evil rapist down, only about ... a thousand or so to go ... Tom: Maybe now Nanaki will hang himself with grief? >Hikaru watched in a daze, fingering her blood soaked pussy All: GYAHHHH!!! Crow: Good lord, what kind of a nypho IS this girl? >and ravaged anus. Tom: Ravage, NO! What is Soundwave going to think? >She stumbled to her feet, and moved to recover her discarded clothing. Mike: Fortunately, she had a Feldon's Cane, and was able to reshuffle her graveyard into her library. >When Nanaki left Metsua's butchered remains, Hikaru stood near the >exit, her arms wrapped around her stomach. Tom: (Hikaru) I'm hungry! Can we go home? >"I'm sorry, Hikaru. I can never make up for what I did to you." Crow: Hanging yourself would be a good start ... >"It wasn't your fault, the materia made you fuck me." Mike: That is a good point ... Tom: Yeah, but he *wasn't* being forced to boff Tifa ... >"Can you find Metsua's flyer?" Crow: (Hikaru) Yeah, they're all over the place. "How to Make Friends and Influence People" ... what a load of crap! >"Yes. Let me get the keys from his robe." Tom: Wha ... so WHY DIDN'T THEY DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!? Crow: And deny PJ the pleasure of writing an elderly blowjob scene? Tom: *grumbles* >Hikaru walked painfully to the old man's fallen robe, Mike: (Hikaru) Ow-oo-ow-oo-ow-oo ... >retrieved his keys, and then left the room, leaving Nanaki behind until >he reluctantly followed. Tom: (Nanaki) I just know I'm gonna walk right into another lemon scene ... > >==== Crow: Hey, he's got a a highway in the middle of the story! Tom: Let's just hope it's the Highway to Hell ... > >(V) Mike: (The Empire Strikes Back) Bots: ??? >Yuffie left the concealment of the tall trees to walk upon the curved >smooth walkway that led into the City of the Ancients. Tom: (Yuffie) What a wrecked hive of scum and villany. My kinda place! Crow: (Yuffie, singing) Keep in the middle of the road ... >The young thief gazed at the strange, twisted structures, Mike: Guys, I have a sudden craving for Starburst Fruit Twists ... Tom: It's OK, Mike. Just lie down and you'll be sane again in a few minutes. >with their almost living appearance, Crow: The guy with the weird hair and lab coat who ran around screaming "IT'S ALIIIIIVE!!!" might've been a clue ... >then dismissed them in her search for hidden enemies. Tom: (Yuffie) Stupid Webcrawler ... I want hidden enemies, not porn! >Finding no signs of ambushers, Mike: Or Bushwackers, for that matter. >Yuffie motioned briefly at the forest behind her, Crow: (Forest) Hey, same to you, buddy! >then proceeded to follow the smooth path deeper into the abandoned >city. Jenova emerged, Tom: (Jenova) Hellllloooo, Aaaancients! >dragged a naked Tifa along after her. Mike: (Jenova) C'mon, you big baby, you're going to grandma's whether you like it or not! >Tifa's wrists were lashed in front of her by one of Jenova's slimy >tentacles. Crow: (Tifa) Ewww ... y'know, Jenova, you should really have a doctor look into that ... >Tifa struggled against her captor, Tom: (Tifa) FREEEEDOOOOOOOMMMM!!! >but the monster's strength was too great. Jenova smiled without looking >at Tifa, she enjoyed the mortal's pathetic writhings. Mike: (Jenova) It's so CUTE when they try to DO things ... >The tall robed woman followed her slave until Yuffie motioned for her >mistress to halt. Crow: ... in the name of love. >"I detect Tom: (Data) ... another stupid lemon scene up ahead, Captain. >noises up ahead. It could be Cloud or Barret, I'm going forward to >check it out. Crow: (Yuffie) Maybe I can have ANOTHER wildly OOC lemon scene! >Please hide in one of these dwellings, Mistress. I will be back soon." Mike: Arnold Shwartzennegar IS Yuffie Kisaragi in "The Quest For Aeris." >"Very well, slave. Hurry. Crow: ... hurry, hurry, and come on down to Jenova's Used Lemon shop! We got Oscar, we got CATs, we got all the lemons you could want for all your twisted needs! >I sense the Mako fountain nearby." Tom: (Jenova) I'm gonna throw my penny in and make a wish! >Yuffie bowed quickly and disappeared into the ruins. Mike: (Yuffie) SUUUURGE!!! >Jenova entered a dimly lit house, the living area illuminated by >sunlight that poured through holes in the roof. Crow: Hmmm, they might want to have that fixed. Gotta be a bitch during the rainy season ... >The coldly beautiful woman sat in a sculpted chair, staring at her >lovely nude prisoner. Tom: She was crafted by Da Vinci, and would fetch a fine price at the art museums. >Tifa squatted as far away from Jenova as her bonds allowed, Mike: (Tifa) You don't have any toilet paper, do ya? >glaring at the evil woman constantly. Jenova smiled maliciously Tom: (Jenova) I like you. I kill you last. >and tightened her tendril around Tifa's wrists. The girl scowled as the >slick tentacle slithered across her skin, Mike: *singing* Don't go lookin' for snakes, you might find them ... >pressing her arms together until they were numb with pain. Crow: Not unlike our souls ... >Jenova chuckled sadistically, Tom: (Naga) OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!! Crow: Tom, NEVER do that again, alright? >her eyes burning with lust and greed. Mike: Eh, some Visine'll clear that right up. >Desiring more intimate interaction, Jenova Crow: ... ordered MuchMusic and stopped watching MTV. >started pulling Tifa closer to her. Tifa growled in protest, Tom: (Tifa, apathetic) Grrr. >her bare feet scrabbling against the cold stone floor for purchase. Mike: (Tifa) Triple-word score! Eat that, tentacle-girl! >Jenova waited until Tifa lay before her, then she extended two more >tentacles from her torso, Crow: Hey, it's Sil! Tom: Natasha Henstridge? Ay yi YI ... >wrapping them around Tifa's ankles. Tifa screamed with fury, Mike: (Tifa) I DON'T WANNA GO TO THE DOCTOR, DAMMIT!!! >her naked body thrashing violently. Jenova laughed with amusement, Tom: (Jenova) Oh, that whimsical scamp! >elongating her tongue until it tickled Tifa's helpless labia. Mike: (Tongue) Coochie-coochie-cooo! Crow: Literally ... Mike: Wha ... CROW!!! >"Damn it! Leave me alone!" >Jenova hissed with laughter and inserted her tongue into Tifa's pussy. Tom: (Jenova) Let's see ... was that Tab C into Slot B, or was it Tab D into Slot F ...? >Tifa bit down on her teeth, Mike: Uhm ... how is that possible? Crow: Maybe she has dentures? >refusing to give Jenova the pleasure of hearing her cries. Tom: No matter what, she would NOT say "Nih!" >Jenova rammed her slick tongue into Tifa's vagina, the thick probe >wriggling deep into the girl's belly. Mike: Well, at least it's not an anal probe ... Crow: Don't say that! You'll give him ideas! >Tifa arched her back, her large breasts out thrust and firm. All: *drool* Crow: It's wrong for me to be enjoying this, isn't it, Mike? Mike: Probably. Crow: Ah, well ... >Jenova spread Tifa's legs wide apart, then pumped her tongue back and >forth inside Tifa's moist cunt. Tom: (Jenova) Mmmm! Is this Sara Lee? >A gasp escaped from Tifa's lips Mike: (Tifa) Oh, no! I left the iron on! >until she bit her mouth shut. Blood trickled down her chin Crow: TIFA! What have I told you about trying to imitate Ozzy Osbourne? >as her hips shook with each thrust of the monster's obscene mouth >probe. Tom: "Obscene mouth probe"? Now THAT'S a candidate for Most Original Usage of the English Language ... >Two more tentacles sprang out, Mike: Because in a rape scene, you can never have too many tentacles. >wriggling forward to wrap around Tifa's heaving tits. All: HEAVE!!! >The slimy tendrils caressed and fondled her ripe melons, coating them >with clinging slime. Tom: In other words, it was slimy. Mike: Ugh ... more "Pfil's Spider Troubles" flashbacks ... >Tifa moaned with revulsion, Crow: Is that anything like crying with pleasure? >then gasped again when a thrust pierced particularly deep into her >warming crotch. Tom: Tifa had her pussy pierced? Kinky! Mike: Tom ... >"I know you enjoy this. Crow: (Jenova) It says it right here in the script. >I can feel your pussy growing wet," teased Jenova before she returned >her tongue to Tifa's throbbing slit. Mike: (Jenova) Where'd you get this thing? It's completely busted! I want a refund! >The monster lapped her tongue up and down Tifa's cunt, Tom: Looks like the plot just lapped itself ... Crow: What plot? >lavishing saliva until the pink flesh dripped with it. Mike: What a drip. >Jenova concentrated her licking to Tifa's clit, rubbing it again and >again until Tifa moaned uncontrollably with arousal. Tom: (Scottish) I canna control it much longer, cap'm! If she don't moan 'fore long, the whole thing'll blow! >Tifa struggled in her wrist and ankle bonds, fighting to escape >Jenova's wanton attentions. Crow: And failing utterly, of course. >Jenova moved her tongue to Tifa's crack, running her tongue between the >naked girl's small firm buttocks. All: ... Crow: Oh, GOOD one, Mike! Mike: I was kidding about the anal probe! I WAS KIDDING!!! >The monster's tongue tickled Tifa's anus, then lapped it over and over, Tom: Man, Tifa's anus really has to pick up the pace, if Jenova's tongue is lapping it that easily ... >saliva trickling into the tiny opening. Tifa groaned loudly, Crow: (Tifa) The Backstreet Boys made ANOTHER album? >her breasts flushed from Jenova's squeezing tendrils. >"Please, stop," begged Tifa, Tom: Yes, PLEASE! Crow: Hey! We've had to sit through two beastiality scenes, I think I *deserve* a little tentacles! >honey escaping from her quivering pussy. Mike: (Pooh) Ah, such a nice honey pot ... >"Your body wants more, little slut," Jenova chuckled, Crow: Her mouth said no ... but her BODY was saying yes ... >her tongue snapping out to slide slowly over Tifa's cunt, making the >girl moan ecstatically. Tom: (Tifa) 50% off on all DDD bras! Hoorah! >"When I impregnate you with a fragment of my body, you will always know >this kind of bliss. Crow: I was right! This IS Demon Beast Invasion all over again! >"No, I won't be your slave." Tom: Uhm ... did she just reply to herself? Mike: Having MPD means you always have someone to talk to ... >"I think you will," retorted Jenova Crow: (Jenova) Then again, I think the Mets will win the World Series, so ... >just before she thrust her tongue into Tifa's pussy, Tom: Meow? >filling her vagina until it ached from the strain. >Tifa's breasts and crotch thrust out, Crow: O_O Tom: Uh ... Crow, you OK? Crow: O_O Oh, yeah ... I'm fine ... >her body shaking from each violent shove of Jenova's tongue into her >belly. Crow: O_O Mike: Oh, crap ... he's going into Hentai Overdrive again ... Crow: *singing* Jiiiiiiiiggglypuuuuffff ... jiiiiiiiiffflypuuuuuffff ... Tom: Uh-oh ... I think he's lost it ... >Jenova held Tifa's outspread legs apart by her knees, the woman's >nostrils contracted as she inhaled Tifa's sensual musk, Crow: Hee-hee-hee ... smells like tuna ... hee-hee ... (Mike calmly reaches over and turns Crow off, causing him to immediately go limp) Mike: Just wait a few minutes, he should be fine. >making her even more urgent with her tongue probing. Tom: (Jenova) I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for a very important lemon ... (Mike switches Crow back on, who snaps to life) Crow: Huh? What? What happened? Mike: You went into Hentai Overdrive again. Don't worry, you should be fine now. >Tifa's juices spat out of her cunt All: *PATOOIE!!!* >to drip down her inner thighs, merging into a puddle just beneath her >curvaceous ass. Bots: *singing* And her orgasm will go on and on ... Mike: Guys ... >Tifa cried out as she orgasmed, her labia throbbing with excitement. >Jenova savored Tifa's pussy discharge, licking the girl's slit until it >was dry. Crow: Life's a lemon! Drink it up! Tom: But if she licked it, wouldn't that just make her even wetter? Mike: I don't understand it either, Tom ... >"I hope Yuffie takes her time," said Jenova Tom: (Jenova) There's this really nice movie on HBO I've been wanting to see ... >as she used the two tentacles that had encircled Tifa's breasts to pull >her into a sitting position. Crow: (Jenova) Now sit up and eat your dinner, young lady, before I'm forced to rape you again! >Tifa watched in horror while Jenova's cum dripping tongue slithered >towards her slack mouth. Tom: Pretty snakey of her, ssss ... > >*** Mike: *singing* When you wish upon a star ... > >Aeris rode Cloud's crotch, Tom: Oh, THIS again. Crow: (Aeris) Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo-hoo! >her small breasts bobbing with each thrust of her hips. Aeris threw >back her head, Mike: Unfortunately snapping her neck and killing her yet again. >her mouth open from panting as she fucked Cloud desperately once >more. Crow: Yeah, fucking Cloud *IS* pretty desperate ... >Cloud gazed up at Aeris' naked body lovingly, Crow: (Cloud) Duh-huh-huh, girl pretty ... >he reached out with his hands, folding his fingers around the nude >girl's tits. Tom: Fold, staple, spindle, AND mutilate! MWAHAHAHAHA! >Aeris looked down at Cloud, smiled at him, Mike: (Aeris) Poor shmuck, doesn't even see the knife comin' ... >then continued her forceful hip thrusts. Crow: (Aeris) C'mon, c'mon ... I gotta get SOME feeling in there ... >She felt Cloud's stiff cock slide deep into her womb, her vagina >clenched and slippery with her lustful juices. Tom: Slippery When Wet ... literally. >Aeris pressed her small, delicate hands against Cloud's bare chest, Mike: (Aeris) Get ... off ... me! >holding herself erect while her tiny ass humped back and forth. Crow: (Aeris' butt) Oh, sure, let ME do all the work ... >Cloud placed his right hand behind Aeris' head, then pulled her down so >he could kiss her. Tom: (Aeris) Ewww! Get away, I don't want cooties! >Their mouths locked together, Mike: Lock and load. >lips writhing sensuously while their tongues caressed and entwined. Tom: (Dark Helmet) I HATE it when my shwartz gets tangled ... >Cloud inhaled Aeris' scent, Crow: (Cloud) Damn, Aeris, get some deoderant or something ... >her spirit form still rich with the smell of flowers that he associated >with her when she was alive. Mike: Eh, you can buy that for $5 at a cheap perfume store. >They parted lips, allowing Aeris to kiss Cloud's cheek, his forehead, Tom: (Aeris) Mwah! Now you're a hindu. >then the left side of his neck. She nibbled playfully on his left ear, Crow: Then reared back and took a BIG bite! Mike: I see Aeris has been taking lessons from Mike Tyson ... >making Cloud laugh joyfully. Tom: (Cloud) Damn, that Jerry Seinfeld is funny! >Every minute coupled with Aeris was ecstasy for Cloud, Crow: Maybe the huge amounts of marijuana they'd smoked had something to do with it ... >he had never known such happiness, such a feeling of completeness. Mike: (Cloud) Being OOC is FUN! >He took Aeris' beautiful, angelic face into his hands, then kissed her >softly on the lips, savoring the fruity taste of her mouth. Tom: Fruity? So she tastes like a lesbian? Crow: What, exactly, would a lesbian taste like? Tom: Tuna, maybe? Mike: Guys ... >"I love you, Aeris," murmured Cloud after he parted from the girl. Tom: (Aeris) I hate ... er, love you too. >"I love you, Cloud," replied Aeris, her eyes glimmering with tears. Crow: (Aeris) I'm so OOC, it hurts ... >"I never want to leave you." >"You must. Jenova is coming. Crow: (Cloud) So am I. Your point? Mike: Crow ... >She wants the Mako energy stored here." Tom: (Aeris) And my stash of Mountain Dew ... >"I'll kill her, I've done it before." >"No. You must leave. Mike: (Aeris) You personally offend me. >There's a good reason. I know a way to return to the living." Crow: (Aeris) See, I've been talking to this nice man named Parallax ... >"Really? You're certain." Tom: Only fools are certain ... so in other words, yup. >"Reasonably so," admitted Aeris while she continued to fuck Cloud's >cock. Mike: Exposition during sex? Kefka must have co-wrote this ... Crow: OK, so far we've seen influences from Oscar, Kefka, and tentacle hentai ... PJ's been getting around, I see. >"I've constructed a soul materia. Tom: And the Plot Device rears its ugly head ... >You must take the orb and place it over the heart of a dying girl. Crow: (Aeris) Then you must clap your hands and believe in fairies. >The essence that I've placed inside the materia will heal the body and >transfer my soul into it." Mike: ... Y'know, that's actually not such a bad idea. Tom: DESPITE the fact that Aeris would never force someone else's soul out of their body, but would try to heal them instead? Crow: Not to mention this Plot Contrivance is being revealed WHILE they're having sex?!? Mike: OK, OK ... jeez ... >"What about Jenova?" grunted Cloud, Tom: And what about Raven? >his cock throbbing with approaching orgasm. >"I'll leave a shade of myself here to fight her. Crow: What, is she hoping Jenova needs sunlight to live? >Hopefully it will be able to kill her." Tom: Considering how big of a wuss she was in FF7, I wouldn't count on it. Crow: Hey, take that back! Tom: Oh, right, fanboy! Admit it, she was nothing more than a load on the team! Crow: You need healers too, ya big doof! Mike: Guys, guys! Fighting won't make the lemon go away! >"It sounds risky, Tom: ... and stupid ... Crow: ... and trite ... Mike: ... but original ... Bots: Oh, shut up, fanboy ... >but if it will bring you back to me, I'll do it." Mike: (Cloud) I'll sacrifice all of my moral codes so I can get laid! >"Thank you, beloved. Just make sure to get me a nice body." Tom: Since, y'know, Aeris was just SO vain about her appearance in FF7 ... >"I'll do my best to find a girl as divine as you, Crow: If THIS is divine, I'd hate to see what a demon would be like ... >but it'll be hard," Cloud grinned All: *groan* Mike: BAD pun, PJ ... >before he closed his eyes and groaned in climax. >Aeris sighed, Tom: (Aeris) Poor man ... has the stamina of a wet noodle ... >her pussy relaxing as a river of honey poured from her womb, Bots: *singing* And her orgasm will go on and on ... Mike: Guys ... >making a sticky pool around Cloud's shivering cock. Tom: Ah, it must be cold. Crow: That might explain the "shrinkage" ... >Cloud kissed Aeris one more time, Crow: (Cloud) One more, for all the ladies out there ... >slowly, tenderly, then rose into an upright position All: AGAIN?!? Tom: Please, STOP with the stupid lemon scenes already! We *get* it! >before descending to the stone landing below. He left the shaft of Mako >energy, retrieving his discarded clothes and blade, Ultima Weapon. Crow: Oh, sure, Cloud, take her dildo with you when you leave ... Mike: CROW!!! >Aeris floated down to where Cloud stood Tom: (Aeris, stoned) Woah ... this is some heavy Mako, man ... >and reached out to the edge of the Mako beam to give her love her soul >materia. Cloud accepted the small white orb carefully, Crow: (Cloud) I'd like to thank the Academy ... >then placed it inside a padded belt pouch. Mike: Unfortunately, he then crushed it to peices. >Aeris smiled affectionately at Cloud, who reached out with his right >hand to touch Aeris' ghostly palm. Tom: I'm getting "Cable Guy" flashbacks for some reason ... >Absorbing Aeris' beautiful image into his mind, Crow: (Borg) We are Cloud. You will be trapped inside an evil lemon. Characterization is futile. >Cloud reluctantly turned and marched out of the large Hall. Aeris >watched Cloud depart, Mike: (Aeris) Man, I had no idea he had such a big ass ... >then she inhaled deeply, preparing for the conflict about to occur. Tom: The Undertaker was about to battle the Rock for the WWF Title, and she just HAD to see it! > >*** Crow: Whoever made this guy a 3-star general needs to be courtmartialed ... > >"My search is complete. Tom: Yes, we know. You found Aeris. Can we go home now? >Barret is trapped in a giant spider's web not far from here. Mike: (Yuffie) There was a naked fairy there, too, but that's not important right now. >I decided to let the spider have him for lunch," giggled Yuffie. >"The Mako fountain?" Crow: (Yuffie) Jeez, your Mako fountain this, your Mako fountain that ... don't you ever stop to smell the lemons? >"In the Hall, just as you guessed, Mistress." >"Excellent. Tom: ... Snively. >Guard Tifa, I must enter the Hall alone." Mike: (Jenova) I must do battle with Alicia Ashby and Megane 6.7! >"Yes, Mistress." Crow: You get the idea that PJ has a bondage fetish? Tom: Crow, I'd be surprised if there was a fetish PJ DIDN'T have. >Jenova glanced briefly at Tifa's exhausted, prone form, Mike: (Jenova) Eh, I'll just get a new one. >then walked gracefully out of the house. Yuffie knelt in a corner of >the room, holding Conformer at the ready if Tifa tried anything. Tom: (Dirty Harry) Ya gotta ask yourself just one question ... how bad do ya want out of this lemon? Well? How bad do ya, punk? >Jenova made quick progress to the Hall of the Ancients Crow: Ah, she must have a really good IRC client. >and entered the large domed building without hesitation. She could feel >the Mako in the air, Mike: It had a surprisingly minty flavor. >it fairly crackled with eldritch power. Tom: Somewhere, H.P. Lovecraft is crying. >Jenova breathed in deeply, growing drunk on the vaporous Mako until her >head became dizzy. Crow: Y'know, inhaling Mako is the third leading cause of drug-related deaths in Midgar ... >She walked regally into the Hall, raising her head to stare in awe at >the floor to ceiling shaft of Mako energy. Mike: (Jenova) Hellooooo, nurse! >Jenova's face broke into an avaricious smile, then began laughing so >loudly that it practically shook the walls and ceiling. Crow: Jeez, Jenova, lay off the happy gas for awhile ... >Her laughter was victorious, smug, gloating. >Her laughter seemed to go on without end Tom: Oh, like Toblerone. Mike: No, Toblerone was cool. This fic is anything but. >until she spied a female form floating within the Mako fountain. Crow: (Aeris) Oh, don't mind me, just fishing for pennies ... >Jenova's smile faded, and was replaced with an angry glower. >"Who dares partake of my Mako fountain?" screamed Jenova Tom: (Jenova) No fair! I called first dibs! >as she marched furiously forward. >"Mako belongs to all living things, not to greedy monsters like you." Mike: But since she's living, doesn't that mean it DOES belong to her? >"Ugly bitch! Crow: Linda Tripp? >I shall destroy you for your impudence!" spat Jenova before her lovely >female body exploded Tom: Just like that, huh? Crow: OK, fic's over! Let's go! >into a mass of writhing tentacles and purple/gray flesh. Mike: 'Fraid not, guys ... Bots: *groan* Crow: She turned into the Overfiend? >Aeris extended her right hand, invoking Fire 3. Huge fireballs fell >from the ceiling, All: It's KANE! >immolating Jenova. Mike: Looks like Aeris just won the Inferno match ... >The monster screamed in agony, her flesh melting in thick globs. Tom: (Jenova) I'm meeeltiiiing ... what a world, what a world ... >She raised a tentacle, then cast Ice 3. A cloud of freezing mist >surrounded Aeris, inflicting great pain on the girl's spirit form. Tom: (Jenova) I'll harm youuu ... >Aeris cast Mbarrier on herself, then cast Bolt 3 before Jenova could >react. Crow: (Jenova) No fair! I'm supposed to have time to cast counterspells! >Four jagged lightning bolts crackled around Jenova, severing several of >her trembling limbs. Mike: Final Fantasy 7 2 ... ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! >Jenova bellowed with pain, Tom: (Jenova) Gad, you uncouth ruffian ... >but managed to cast Debarrier, Crow: Debarrier, boss, Debarrier! >shattering Aeris' Mbarrier. Aeris recoiled from the broken magic, then >screamed when Jenova cast Tornado upon her. Mike: (Aeris) AIIEEE!!! Helen Hunt ... Bill Paxton ... must resist ... Tom: That's "Twister", Mike. Mike: Oh. Right. >A whirling cone of air engulfed Aeris, slicing much of her spirit form >to tatters. Crow: It slices! It dices! It make thousands of horrid fanfics! >Barely able to maintain her form, Aeris summoned all of the Mako she >could absorb. As Jenova watched in growing horror, Tom: (Jenova) Oh poopie! >Aeris cast the most powerful spell she could, Ultima. Crow: Didn't ASADAE end like this? Mike: Yes, but in this case, it's the evil rapist that's getting blown up with it, instead of being the one that uses it. >The Hall began to rumble, Tom: (Michael Buffer) LLLLLLLLEEEETTT'SSSS GET READY TO ... Crow: SUCK IIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!!! >then everything began to shake as the terrible magic Aeris invoked drew >closer. Mike: *singing* Whole lotta shakin' goin' on ... >Jenova screamed with hate, Crow: (Jenova) I don't like you! You're not invited to my birthday party! >cursing the composed Aeris who waited calmly for destruction to come >for her. Tom: Alright! Two birds with one stone! Crow: Now if the Ultima just wipes out Cloud, Tifa and Yuffie with them, all will be right in the world ... >A huge wave of energy tore into the Hall, Mike: Man, I hate it when those Nexus roleplays carry over into the Hall ... >disintegrating everything in its path. Jenova roared futilely, waving >her remaining tentacles Tom: Hey, she's doing the wave! >until the Ultima wave engulfed her, consuming her body until not even >ash remained. All: WHOO-HOO!!! UL-TI-MA, UL-TI-MA, UL-TI-MA ... >An enormous ball of Mako energy erupted into the air, shattering the >Hall to dust and sealing the fountain shut forever. Mike: Both the evil rapists are dead! Let us rejoice! > >*** Tom: Oooo ... pretty stars ... > >Yuffie gasped loudly, then fell limply to the floor. Crow: (Yuffie) Damn these sudden heart attacks ... >The fragment of Jenova that nestled within her neck oozed out and died. >Tifa moaned, slowly rising to regard her unconscious captor. Mike: (Tifa) SCORE! Now if I could only find a way out of this story ... >She stole some of Yuffie's spare clothes, Tom: I guess when you get raped as often as the girls in this fic do, you have to carry a whole other wardrobe with you ... >a tight T-shirt that barely covered the tops of her breasts, and a pair >of green shorts that hugged every curve of her hips Crow: Must ... resist ... description ... must ... riff ... lemon ... Mike: Well, at least your Shatner-talk program is working ... Crow: Bite ... me ... >and bit painfully into the crack of her ass. Tom: (Tifa) Ouch! Wedgie! >Tifa relieved Yuffie of one of her knives, then left the house to see >what the loud noise was. Crow: A small nuclear explosion, what else? >She blinked from the bright sunlight, then gasped when she spotted >Cloud gazing at something within the City of the Ancients. Mike: (Cloud, sadly) My real personality was in there ... >Tifa ran to Cloud, Bots: *singing* Run to the hills ... >heedless of the sharp stones that bit into her bare feet. Crow: (Stones) Mmm, fresh meat ... >"Cloud! You're alive!" shouted Tifa before she crashed into him, All: *WHAM!* Tom: Promptly toppling them both off a cliff. The end. >wrapping her arms around his neck. >Cloud remained silent, Crow: For he had just put on a plastic mask and taken the ring name Kane. >disentangling himself from Tifa's embrace, then backing away to a more >neutral distance. Mike: (Cloud) Ewww, breasts! >"Cloud! What's wrong?" Tom: (Cloud) I'm gay. Haven't you figured that out yet? >"You shouldn't have come after me, Tifa. Crow: Well, hey, it's still better than staying with Nanaki ... >I told you that I was looking for Aeris." >"Did you find her?" >"Yes. Mike: (Cloud) She was in the last place I looked, oddly enough ... >She's with me now." >"Where?" >"I can't explain. I have to leave." Tom: (Cloud) The voices in my head don't like you ... >"Let me come with you." >"No, I want to be alone with Aeris." Crow: (Cloud) Let me be a spiky-headed asshole, dammit! >"Cloud! I love you, ya dummy!" >"I don't love you, Tifa. All: BOOOO!!! >We're not playmates in Nibelheim anymore. I've found my true love, and >it's not you." All: ... Crow: OK, what the hell happened to CLOUD?!? Tom: Way to let her down gently there, buddy ... >"Cloud, don't say that!" sobbed Tifa, her eyes brimming with tears. Mike: Y'know ... I'm beginning to really hate this version of Cloud ... >"Good bye, Tifa. Don't follow me anymore," said Cloud before he turned >his back on Tifa and walked into the thick trees surrounding the city. Tom: *growls* So thus far, Tifa's been raped four times, gone through a plane crash, been beaten, battered, and bruised, and now the asshole she's gone through all this for tosses her away like a bargefull of medical waste ... DAMN YOU PJ!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!! Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down, Tommy-boy! It'll be alright ... Tom: NOTHING'S ALRIGHT!!! CLOUD'S A STUPID ASSHOLE, AERIS IS A HEARTLESS SLUT AND TIFA GETS LEFT OUT IN THE COLD!!!! ARRRRRGHHHHH!!! Crow: Tom, calm down before your head explodes again! Tom: *pants heavily, but slowly stops vibrating* >Tifa stared after Cloud, her tears dripping down her soiled cheeks. She >sniffled loudly, then wiped her eyes with the back of her right hand. Mike: Eh, Tifa's better off without him. Tom: I just hope Cloud spears Aeris with that stupid hair-spike of his ... >"Tifa!" exclaimed Nanaki from the flyer he rode within. Crow: Oh, THIS'LL improve her mood ... >Tifa looked up at the red cat crouched in the tiny flyer's cockpit with >Hikaru, then laughed painfully, Tom: (Tifa) Hahahahaowhahahahowhahahaow ... >her grief forgotten for now. Hikaru waved the flyer's wings up and down >and began a long descent to pick up the lone girl. Mike: And yet another good video game gets its name smeared in the mud ... > >*** > >"Help!" yelled Barret from the large spider web that held him trapped. Tom: Oh, please, don't let this be an episode of "Barret's Spider Troubles" ... >A giant black spider slowly descended towards him, its mandibles >dripping with poison and drool. Crow: (Spider) Hmmm ... not quite as good-looking as those fairies I had the other day, but it'll do in a pinch ... >Barret tried to move his gun arm, but the appendage was stuck fast. Tom: God ... it IS "Barret's Spider Troubles" ... *starts to smoke* Mike: Whoa, Tom! Calm down! If there's one thing PJ doesn't do, it's yaoi ... Tom: ... True ... but still ... >Barret watched the spider's inexorable approach, cursing under his >breath that he had ever left Marlene to chase after that idiot Cloud. Crow: That makes two of us ... Mike: Well, at least that's one person who's in character ... >Barret grimaced as the spider landed on his upraised arm, Tom: (Spider) Hello, good sir! How are you enjoying my web site? >then stared when a large shuriken flashed out and cut the spider in >two. Mike: (British) He's split Robin's arrow in twain! >Spider guts and ichor splashed on Barret's face, making him sputter and >cough to clear the goo from his mouth. Crow: (Barret) %$*#! Tastes like Bondage Fairies! >Yuffie recovered her Conformer, then rubbed the back of her neck >gently. Tom: (Yuffie) Gotta see a chiropracter about this ... >"Bout time someone showed up! Cut me out of here!" >"Don't be so impatient," Yuffie grinned. "What do I get?" Mike: Ahh, glad to see Yuffie's back to being the lovable brat she always was ... Crow: I think I prefer the bondage zombie ... >"Don't play with me, you little tramp! I've had a really bad day! Get >me out!" Tom: (Barrett) You always holdin' the black man down, foo! >"I'm sure we can negotiate some kind of exchange. You scratch me, I >scratch you," giggled Yuffie while she stalked towards a cringing >Barret. Crow: Please, cut away ... we REALLY don't need to see this ... > >==== Crow: Ahhh ... thank you. Tom: This lemon crossed the line a LONG time ago ... > >EPILOGUE Tom: Ah, thank Eris, it's almost over! >Cloud knelt at the side of the coughing girl, Mike: (Cloud) Aeris? Aeris who? >wiping the sweat from her deathly pale brow. The girl's mother was >gone, scrounging for food and something to sell in the garbage piles >that were once the homes and shops of Midgar. Crow; Ah, what a kind, loving caregiver ... >The girl's eyes fluttered, the whites showing as her breathing grew >weaker and weaker. Tom: Ah, she's communing with the Dark Side. >Cloud stroked the girl's shoulder length brown hair, then he slowly >withdrew the soul materia from his belt pouch. Mike: (Cloud) Here, I'm just going to steal your soul for my own selfish needs. Is that OK? >The small orb nestled in Cloud's palm brightened as he moved it closer >to the dying girl's body. Crow: Hey, it's a Magic 8-Ball! I love those things! >He gently placed the materia between the young girl's budding breasts, >then backed away from her. Tom: (Cloud) IT'S GONNA BLOW!!! Crow: The plot already does ... >The materia flared with eye-searing white light, surrounding the bed- >ridden girl's limp body. She gasped faintly, then closed her eyes. Mike: Her last words were, "Read the Mop-Up on Scoops" ... Tom: Either that, or "Cloud Strife is a dickhead" ... >Healing Mako energy poured into the girl's flesh, restoring its >youthful sheen and vitality. Crow: Moisturizing Cream of the Gods! >The materia disappeared with a flash, consumed from its use. Mike: (Materia) Eh, I'm outta here. Go have your stupid plot devices somewhere else ... >Cloud reached out to take the girl's limp right hand, stroking the warm >skin lovingly. Tom: (Cloud) I killed an innocent child for you, Aeris. Aren't you happy with me? >The girl's eyes slowly opened--Aeris' eyes. She turned to stare at >Cloud, her expression filled with love. Crow: ... as she turned the pistol to center directly between Cloud's eyes, and pulled the trigger, sending high-speed lead into the spiky- headed bastard's brain ... >"Aeris?" asked Cloud tentatively. Mike: (Girl) Oh? And just WHO is Aeris? Have you been cheating on me? >"Yes, beloved. I'm back," smiled Aeris, her happiness filling the >dreary room with the warmth of a newborn star. Tom: As our vomit filled the theater with the stench of regurgitated RAM chips ... > >THE END Tom: Thank Eris! Crow: Thank Cthulhu! Mike: Thank God, let's get out of here! (All exuent) (.69 ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7) (SoL. Tom and Crow are arguing, as usual) Tom: I say it's Aeris' fault. If she wasn't so consumed with living again, that poor girl could have had a full, fruitful life. Crow: Hell no, it's Cloud's fault! If he hadn't been so tied up with his "beloved" Aeris, he could've settled down and lived some damn fine lemon scenes with Tifa, PLUS the girl would've lived. (Mike wanders in, stage left) Mike: Hey now, what's going on here? Crow: Oh, we're just debating on who to blame for the death of the girl at the end of the fic, Aeris or Cloud. Mike: Well, y'know, the little girl *was* going to die anyway ... Tom: Yeah, but one of them easily could've saved her! A simple Restore materia would've done the trick. If Aeris hadn't been such a greedy bitch, none of this would've happened. Crow: But it was Cloud's asshole personality that ALLOWED Aeris to take over the girl's body. Also, see my previous point about Tifa lemon scenes. Mike: You guys, it's no one's fault. After all, it's just a fanfic. Bots: ... Crow: Yeah, I guess you're right ... Mike: Sure. Hey, I know what'll cheer you guys up; fan mail! Tom: Someone sent US letters? They must have a bit too much time on their hands ... (Suddenly, a lightning bolt flashes out of nowhere and strikes Tom directly on the dome. He screams and falls off-screen) Mike: Whew. Man, remind me never to anger the evil overlords. Crow: Uhm, Mike, the letter? Mike: Oh, right. This is from either Robert Strong or Nate, who writes; ">>His slimey cock >Tom: Slimer, NO! >Mike: They don't get much more obscure than that, folks ... *Ahem*....Actually, that refers to almost any of the Ghostbusters series/movies(Take your pick). >>"Ahhhhhhhhhh...!" >Tom: ... My Goddess? It's Megami-sama! Ehh. Sorry about that one. Anyway, it was good." Crow: Hey, thanks Rob! Always nice to know we're appreciated. Mike: Anyway, he continues ... "And one more thing: >Pfil: A live sex show? In front of everyone? Woo-hoo! Excuse me..*drool* -Nate" Tom: *rising from below the table* Yeah, we enjoyed it, too ... heh-heh ... *cough* Crow: I have it on tape, if you'd like a copy ... Mike: You guys ... anyway, Nate or Rob or whoever you are, thanks for writing. We always love getting fan mail, so go ahead and send your comments in. (MADs light flashes) Tom: Whattaya think, sirs? (Deep-13. Dr. Forrester and T.V.s Frank are standing back up, the projector now merely a distant memory) Dr. F: Still sane, my little guinea pigs? No matter. For you see, if you thought this little lemon was bad ... (SoL) Crow: Oh, don't tell me it's a SERIES ... (D-13) Dr. F: Indeed it is, my golden-crested friend! And if you manage to survive THAT, then I still have nearly a hundred OTHER lemons to choose from! GWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! Frank: Shall I push the button, your Sith-o-rifficness? Dr. F: Please do, Frank. (FWOOSH!) THE ANARKIST'S NOTES: Whew! That monster is finally done! This has to be the longest fic I've ever riffed. As usual, no offense is meant towards PJ; hell, if it wasn't for the random sex scenes, this would be a damn good story. Yes, the letter at the end was real ... and I'd like to make this a regular function. But you guys've gotta do your part. Drop me a line at Discord999@aol.com and let me know how I'm doin', hot dammit! ^_^ DEDICATIONS: To Jennifer, the love of my life; to SVAM, for putting my humble MiSTings on their site; and to me, for MiSTing this bloody thing. :P MSA3K EPISODE GUIDE -------------------- #101-Lady Death: The Summoning #102-Warrior Sisters #103-Warrior Sisters 2: The Flesh Is Weak #104-Pfil's Spider Troubles #105-Decency Patrol #1 #106-Final Fantasy 7: The Quest For Aeris OTHER PROJECTS -------------------- Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000(w/ Malissa Thomas) #-101 Religious Spam #-102 Urusei X; The Yatsura Files Part I Group MSTings Sailor Moon VS Tickle-Me Elmo(w/ John Hurst) The Fist KILLS Everyone(w/ Akodo X) >"Really? You're certain." >"Reasonably so," admitted Aeris while she continued to fuck Cloud's >cock.