Mystery Science Anarchy 3000 Episode #201 "Blatantly Gratuitous" MSTed by the Anarkist (Discord999@aol.com) Original Story by "Violence Jack" DISCLAIMER: This is a MSTing of a fanfic written by another author. The fic itself is property of ViolenceJack, and he's welcome to it. Neon Genesis Evangelion and its characters are the property of Gainax and Hideaki Anno. Mike, the Bots, Joel, the SoL, etc, are the property of Best Brains Entertainment. Torgo is the property of someone really sick and twisted. Anything else mentioned is the property of its respective creator(s). DRIVE-IN TOTALS: 0 Dead Bodies 1 Should-Be-Dead Body (Kaji) 3 Underaged Eva Pilots Gratuitous Lesbian Sex Gratuitous Technobabble Gratuitous Usage of the word "Gratuitous" Sex-based Kung Fu Cumshot Fu Oral Fu Threesome Fu *** Stars Satellite of Love The waterfalls of Gondor could be heard for miles in any direction, tons of water cascading down for nearly a mile before crashing down into the river below. Ideallic forests flanked the river on either side, rising up to hills and then mountains. Through this scene floated a small canoe, filled with computer disks and computer print-outs. If one looked closer, one could see titles on the collections of paper; "The Quest For Aeris", "An Elf Maiden's Christmas", "Warrior Sisters 2", and many more. Off to one side, clad in tunics that would make any frequenter of Renaissance festivals proud, stood three men. Well, one man and two robots, really. The golden-colored robot had a pair of pointed ears apparently glued to the sides of his head, and a bow that was obviously wittled with a dull paring knife slung on his back. The red-colored robot had a thick layer of fur over its hoverskirt, while the man carried a sword that was made of tin-foil. "Ah, but he shall be missed," spoke the red-colored robot in a rather poor accent that was a hybrid of English and Irish. "I dunno, I for one won't miss the vaginas located in the girl's ass," replied the golden-colored robot. "Shhh," muttered the man. "Show some respect. C'mon, it's not every day you come across a guy with a volume of work like PJ's." "Yeah, you're right, Mike," Tom replied. "Makes ya think, don't it?" Mike paused for a moment. "No, not really." Crow waited a beat, as the canoe crept closer and closer to going over the edge. "Almost there ... alright, girls, now give 'im the ol' 36-D salute!" "What the ..." Mike started, but was interrupted by a sudden outpouring of almost-naked anime-style characters bursting out of both sides of the river. He recognized Tifa and Aeris from Final Fantasy 7, and Aya Brea next to them. He wasn't sure, but he even though he saw the infamous Bondage Fairy Pfil flitting around. As he gaped (mostly in surprise ... mostly), the girls lined up, snapped to military attention, and then each pulled out a gun roughly the size of the BFG 9000. "And ... fire!" Crow yelled out. As one, the starlets of PJ's fanfiction fired the guns, lighting up the sky with green plasma. Of course, Crow was busy watching the effects of the recoil upon Tifa's breasts, but it was a nice effect nonetheless. The boat finally went to its fate as the plasma orbs exploded in mid-air, to the cheers and jiggles of the many female characters in attendence. Mike cleared his throat with an effort. "Uhm, Crow? I didn't program that part in ..." "I know, Mike," Crow replied. "But what would a tribute to a great lemon writer be without a bunch of half-naked chicks jiggling all over the place?" "He does have a point, Mike," Tom replied, right before he began chasing after a squealing female elf dressed in green. Suddenly, the scene from Lord of the Rings disappeared, leaving only bare walls of the Holocabana, which Tom proceeded to smack right into. At the same time, a small red light over the main doorway began flashing. "Oh, great, Sauron and the Balrog are calling," Mike muttered. Going over to Tom, who was spinning dizzily, he said. "C'mon, Tom, quit screwin' around. Y'know how the new guy hates for us to dawdle." "Sure, George," Tom replied in a wavery voice, right before falling over. "Wonderful," Mike grumbled, snatching up the red-colored robot. "Crow, grab a screwdriver on the way, would you?" "Sure thing," Crow said. Mumbling under his breath, he added, "Pussy ..." Deep-13 "Ah, there you are," Joel Robinson, the latest tormentor of Mike and his crew said testily as they came on-screen. "Y'know, I was always ready to watch whatever bad movies and read whatever bad fanfiction Forrester could throw at me when I was up there. You gotta be more efficient if you wanna succeed in life." "This from a guy whose escape was in a box of hamdingers?" Tom shot back. "Yeah, besides, we were having a ceremony in honor of the 'net-death of one of your favorite tools of evil, PJ," Mike put in. "Hey, living in the outback for a couple of years will teach you a lotta things," Joel replied patiently, completely ignoring Mike's statememt. "Like take our laundry for instance. Brown robes for me, brown robes for Torgo. Don't have to sort by colors or anything, just slap in in the washer, throw in some Tide and boom, it's done." "At least Dr. Forrester didn't give us lectures with our lemons," Crow muttered. "What was that, my ertswhile creation?" Joel asked, his normally sleepy eyes glinting dangerously. "Nothing, nothing," Crow said hastily. "So, what're we doing this time? More Sailor Moon porn? Maybe a Ratliff fic or two?" "Actually, I was meaning to send you a Final Fantasy X lemon, but I haven't been able to find any on the archives," Joel replied. "Gee, wonder why," Tom said. "Oh, c'mon, it's full of pornographic fun!" Joel insisted. "And the evil combinations you could come up with! I mean, sure, you've got Tidus and Yuna, but there's so much more! Auron, on Rikka! Seymore, on Yuna! Kimahri, on Yuna! And my personal favorite ... Auron, Tidus, Kimahri, and Wakka ... on Yuna!" "GaNgBaNg!" Torgo yelled from behind his new master. Joel turned around and shot him a look. "That was *my* line, Torgo. Do I have to get out the pokers again?" "ThE mAsTeR wOuLdN't ApPrOvE oF tHaT ..." Torgo replied shakily. He hurriedly scuttled away, the haunting "Torgo's Theme" appearing magically as he did. "And turn off that racket!" Joel yelled. S.o.L. While all this was going on, Joel's captives were watching with a combination of bemusement, confusion, and horror. "Y'know, I liked Joel a lot better before he became all evil an' stuff," Crow remarked. "Ah, well, it'll happen, I guess," Tom put in. The two quickly hushed up when Joel remembered that he hadn't sent them the fic yet. "Anyways, your fic today is a Neon Genesis Evangelion lemon called 'Blatantly Gratuitous'. It's part of a series, so I figured I'd send you a piece to see how it goes down, and I do hope it goes down very, very hard. It features Rei, Asuka, Shinji, and no plot whatsoever. Torgo, if you would?" "YeS, yOuR lEmOnY fReShNeSs," Torgo replied, shuffling over to the control panel and pushing the "send" button. "Neon Genesis Evangelion ..." Tom shook his head. "How could such a great series produce so much bad fanfiction?" "I dunno ..." Mike said thoughtfully, as the lights and klaxons began to go off around him. "But WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIGN!" (Door 7: A dog bone, naturally) (Door 6: A demonic wall of flesh covers the passageway. You slice a door through and enter) (Door 5: A Christmas tree blocks your path, until some green guy steals it) (Door 4: A door with four levers on either side. After tinkering with them awhile, you rip off a lever and beat down the door with it) (Door 3: Death appears and points your way) (Door 2: A poster of N*Sync covers it. You stop to urinate on it and go on) (Door 1: An iron gate bearing the phrase "Abdandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter") (Door .69-A black hole opens in the fabric of reality, sucking you into the theater) (Enter: Mike, Tom, Crow) Mike: Interesting new door sequence Joel installed for us, isn't it? >**** WARNING! **** Crow: Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! >The following is a fan-fic. It is also a lemon. Tom: And it also sucks. Mike: Oh, give it a chance. Crow: Mike, you tell us that every time, and every time it blows worse than Servo's poetry. Tom: Exactly, Cro--heyy ... >If you now know what I'm on Crow: Crank? Tom: Speed? Mike: Pixie Stix? >about, well and good. Otherwise: Crow: Blow me. >I did not claim to invent, Tom: The Internet. >conceieve, Mike: A child with that woman, Ms. Ayanami. >or otherwise own any Crow: Pants. >of the characters. >They are all property of Gainax, so don't please don't try Tom: To stop me! I'll do it! I swear, I'll do it! >any court action. I plead ignorance. Crow: I'll believe it. Mike: Crow, be nice ... Crow: You be nice, I'm bitter. >Second. Tom: *singing* Just a second of your time ... >It's a lemon. That means it involves sex. All: SEX? >Yes, that's right, sex. Crow: Well, gaw-lee. >If you do NOT want to read about sex, Mike: What the HELL is wrong with you?!? >then delete this file right now, Tom: Oh, if only we could ... >because if you read all of it, Mike: You're a better man than me. >you will, indeed, Crow: Rip your own intestines out and strangle yourself with them. >see sex. Crow: That too. >That also applies to people under 18, Tom: Who, as everyone knows, NEVER read or look at things they're not supposed to ... >who, if they DO wish to read about sex, Mike: (Sally Struthers) Sure, we all do! >should save this file on disk, and Tom: Burn it. >wait until they are 18. Tom: And then burn it. >I take no responsibility for that, either. K. Mike: C. Tom: F. Crow: U. >Now THAT's out of the way..... Crow: Let the screwing begin! > > <<< Neon Genesis Evangelion >>> All: Zankoku na tenshi no youni ... Crow: I'm sure the author will have no mercy, either. > > Blantantly Gratuitous. Mike: Well, at least he's honest. > >The attempt to create Tom: Spam. >the Third Impact has failed. The Angels, bitter in defeat, Crow: And yet tasty in a dipping sauce ... Tom: (Angels) And we would'a gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those blasted kids! >have fled back across the inter-stellar void. All: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!! >Earth should have been left in peace. Tom: But then, in A.D. 2101, war was beginning. Crow: Then, someone set up them the bomb. Mike: What you say!! Tom: ... That was REALLY random. >But the organisations created to defend the last refuges of mankind Crow: I didn't think his Christmas book was THAT bad ... >still exist. Petty in-fighting Crow: And fights over petting ... >and old vendettas rear their heads. The world is once more at war, >but this time, the human race is fighting Tom: For its right to party. >itself. Four long years have passed, Mike: And George W. Bush is finally thrown the hell out of office. >and the pilots of the General-purpose Humanoid Decisive Combat Weapon's Tom: Were busy fighting the Randomly Thrown Together Adjective Corps. Crow: They're called *EVA*s, Violence Jack ... >have grown up some... Tom: Mostly around the gut. > >Rei cringed Crow: (Rei) Asuka, that hole's exit-only. Mike: Crow ... Tom: My, that was sudden! >as the rifle All: ... AAAGH!!! Tom: That's not how a gun's supposed to be used! Crow: Guns don't screw people. People screw people. Tom: Vince McMahon especially. >fire tore chunks Mike: Gah, this is getting worse! >from the building she was sheltering behind. All: ... Oh. >Masonry clattered noisly to the footpath below Tom: (Random Citizen) Hey, that's my roof! I just had it restored, dammit! >as she moved Unit-00's Crow: Hand slowly down its body … Mike: Crow, that's enough. >feet to a more secure position. She gripped her own rifle tightly, Tom: Promptly crushing it and having to get another one. >swung out from behind the building, All: *make chimpanzee noises* >and delivered a lethal burst of 90mm death to... Crow: Well? >thin air. Motion sensors mounted on the Evangelion's rear Tom: She's got eyes on the back of her ass ... >flashed a warning late, too late..... Mike: It's late, a little too late ... >"Hiiii- Crow: Everybody! >yaaaaa!" screamed a voice over the comlink, Tom: SPINNING BIRD KICK! Mike: BEST THUNDER! Crow: SUPER HENTAI FINGER TECHNIQUE! >as her seat jolted and warning lights flared. Mike: (Rei) Oh, great, the Mads are calling ... >"You were too slow, Rei. Much too slow." gloated Asuka, Tom: Uhm, isn't she supposed to be catatonic by this point? Mike: Tom, try to refrain from the spoilers ... >slamming Unit-02's hand down Tom: Low five! Mike: Down, down, slamming it down ... >on Unit-00's neck and squeezing the spinal contrust, Tom: The spinal what? Crow: Maybe she has a gullible escaped convict hiding in her neck? >which began fracturing, Mike: Weapon: High-powered fusion rifle. Armor: Refined bullshittium alloy. Backbone: Dried peanut brittle. >despite the heavy armour. White light began obscuring Rei's vision, All: Go into the light ... Crow: Hey, Asuka's finally snapped and is killing everyone! >but there was no pain. Just before everything turned blank, she swung the >rifle up to Unit-02's midriff, Tom: Oooo, Unit-02's showin' off some skin, heh-heh-heh … >and put everything she had into pulling the trigger. > >Then she was just Rei. Crow: As opposed to, what? Tom: As opposed to SUPER NIGHT VISION FUTURE ARMOR GLOW-IN-THE-DARK REI!!! Only $200 at your nearest Toys-R-Us! >Just plain old unaccessorised Rei. Tom: Accessories sold seperately. >She exhaled LCL, felt it catching slightly in her throat. Mike: (Rei) Damn, too much deep-throating last night. Crow: Thanks for joining us in the gutter, Nelson. Mike: My pleasure. >The light in the entry plug was red, Tom: (Rei) Red … the color of blood … the color I hate … Crow: (Rei) Red … the color of Asuka's pubic hair … >and cast stark black shadows on her skin. Mike: *threads his hands together* Look, a birdie! Bots: Show-off. >"That was an excellent session, you two." Dr. Akagi said over the comlink, Crow: (Dr. Akagi) I got off on it, away. >"And I think that it highlights all of your weaknesses. Mike: As well as the weaknesses of this fic. >Rei, you rely too heavily on constants Tom: Such as h=1.3894, when x = (f*G) - 8.65/930.1 + the square root of h/4 ... >and don't defend against change, Crow: (Dr. Akagi) Especially in your socks. Phew! >and Asuka, Crow: You're just a bitch. Tom: Hey! >you spend too much time gloating over a target that isn't completely neutralised. Shinji.... Mike: (Dr. Akagi) Stop that! >You probably should have paid more attention to the fight. Tom: (Shinji) But I just got the "Babes of the Apocalypse" issue of Playboy ... >We'll move the test plugs to the first decontamination room, Crow: (Dr. Akagi) As you are all dirty, dirty pigs. >so you can get changed with a bit of privacy. Tom: And have sex, of course. >Go and have a shower, and we'll debrief afterwards." Crow: (Shinji) But, uhm, shouldn't I take my briefs off beforehand? >She switched off the microphone, Mike: (Dr. Akagi) Damn kids, with their giant berserker robots and their orgies … and turned to Maya, who shook her head in admiration. Tom: (Maya) Wow, you are *really* full of shit. >"This new simulation program runs really well, doesn't it, Ma'am?" >"It should," she growled, All: *make snarling sounds* >"We spent half of our budget for this quarter on it. Tom: Actually, she hired some high-school student to do it for $20 and spent the rest on booze. >Still, with those new high-speed neural impulse collectors Mike: Intel Inside. All: Ding-ding-ding-ding! >and full wetware integration, I think that Mike: (Dr. Akagi) I can reach new levels of incomprehensible technobabble! Tom: The hell is a "destrudo", anyway? >it should stay useful for a while." >The short-haired technician jacked Crow: Gah! Hyuga! Now cut that out! >the simulation program out of the drive. Crow: Oh. >It was about the size of a Tom: Breadbox. >paper-back book, Mike: Why are they still using cartridges in 2016? Tom: Maybe Nintendo actually caused Second Impact. >and contained all of the data to simulate combat Crow: Not an actual fic, but an incredible simulation. >using virtually every weapon and vehicle in current use, Crow: Even the Volkswagon Beetle? >from AK-47's to tactical thermonuclear warheads, light transport >helicopters to gigantic battle mecha. Crow: From stuffing to potatoes. Tom: From bedpans to plungers to ball peen hammers … Mike: And, of course, spackle. >Maya placed it carefully in the rack beside the device. >Ritsuko leaned over, and whispered in her ear, Tom: (Dr, Akagi) Your fly's unzipped. >"Maya, a friend of mine made up a.... Mike: (Dr. Akagi) Really horrible fanfic. Wanna read it with me? >special... program... Customised. Crow: (Dr. Akagi) Suddenly I ... have begun to talk like ... Captain Kirk of ... the Starship Enterprise. >Would you like to try it, sometime?" >Maya crossed her eyes, Mike: Keep doing that and your face'll freeze like that, young lady! >trying to focus on the black plastic cartridge her superior was waving >under her nose. Crow: (Maya) This smells funny … Tom: Damn! It's Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em! Mike: Huh? Tom: Atari 2600 porn. Guy with a huge penis for a body and deformed women catching his man-goop. Mike: … Ooookayyy … Crow: And he calls *me* the hentai ... >There was no official label, Tom: Ah, so it's Generic Porn(tm). >just a self-adhesive white square, with three red X's on it. All: Wah-wah-waaaaah … >She turned a little in her chair, Crow: As her ancestors turned in their graves ... >and cheekily snapped at Ritsuko's jaw. Tom: Ripping off a big chunk of flesh. Yummy! >"Sure would, Ma'am." Mike: Just the lesbians, ma'am. > >"Well, we both kicked your arse that time, Shinji."the red-head said, All: *singing* An' I'm Jello, baaaaby ... >hands on hips, and not wearing much else. Bots: *drool* Mike: Damn, you guys are predictable. Crow: Oh, grow a libido sometime, Nelson. >"You wouldn't have if I wasn't distracted. Tom: (Shinji) No fair, throwing shiny things at me! >It wasn't fair, saying those things over the comlink. Tom: Asuka and Shinji have phone sex? This is *really* gonna be painful … >Now everyone knows." Crow: *singing* But nobody knows … the troubles I seen … >Shinji didn't even have his hands on his hips. Crow: Instead, his hands were … elsewhere. Tom: *snicker* "Toothpicks" … >"They would have known anyway, it's not like we live in complete privacy all >the time." Tom: (Asuka) Especially after you posted those pictures on the internet, baka! >"But you didn't have to go into detail. I think Hyuga had to leave the room to All: *cough* >cool off for a bit, and...oh god....my father...." All: AGH!!! Crow: Let's not think about Gendou's reaction, shall we? >Asuka smirked, "Forget about him, he's not worth worrying about. Tom: (Asuka) Forget character and plot development, let's fuck! >Besides, what did he think you'd get up to, putting you in a house with >someone as stunning as myself. Crow: Well, good to see Asuka's in character. Other than the whole screwing Shinji bit, anyways. Tom: (Asuka) I *have* been training with Stone Cold, after all. >Isn't that right, Rei?" Mike: (Rei) ... >"Surely it should be Tom: "What the hell kinda crack is this guy smoking?" >'what did he think you'd get up to, putting you to work with two people >as stunning as ourselves?'" smiled Rei, blushing slightly. Crow: ... This must be Bizarro Rei from Episode 26. >She still wasn't entirely used to Tom: Speaking more than ten words at a time … Crow: *muttering* Least her voice doesn't sound like nails on a chalkboard ... Tom: Heathen! Crow: Junkyard 'bot! Mike: Guys, guys! Focus your anger, use it as a weapon! Bots: Yeah, yeah ... >seeing the others in such a state of casual undress, even though she'd >never admit it to them. Mike: This from the girl who had someone come into her home while she's in the shower, walks out naked, and gets felt up without so much as reacting? >"You're going to take her side, too? Why're you all against me?" Tom: (Shinji) Everyone hates me! I want my mommy! >"I believe we should get moving, Mike: (Rei) The plot is slowing down. Crow: There's a plot to this? >before they turn the security cameras back on, looking for us.", Rei >said, conveniently changing the subject. Tom: (Church Lady) Oh, how conveeeeeenient. >Actually, the security cameras had been on the entire time. Mike: Ahhh, that wacky Gendo Ikari … >During the construction of the geofront, Tom: … Not going to go into a fanboy rant, not going to go into a fanboy rant … >the camera on/off lines were simply linked to the power LED's. Gendo sat >at his desk, watching their conversation with interest. Crow: And that's not all, ifyaknowwhatImean. >"Fyutski?" Mike: (Gendo) Stop that. It's dirty. >"Yes, sir?" >"Please don't breathe over my shoulder. And stop drooling." Tom: ...Well, that's a new one. >"Yes sir." Mike: Fyutski gets such wonderful character development … >Gendo thought about the VCR that was tied into the monitor feed, and >smiled beneath his interlaced fingers. Mike: ...So Gendo tapes his son and his friends being naked together. Lovely, author, lovely. >Rei washed the last traces of Crow: Cum off of her plug suit. Damn but that Shinji had a cannon … >LCL out of her hair, Tom: So that's what those kids're calling it these days … >opened the shower cubicle door, and grabbed her towel. Mike: The most essential tool of any post-apocalyptic mecha pilot. >Asuka had already finished, Tom: She came already? That WAS quick. Crow: (Asuka) Thank God for vibrators! >and was sitting on the bench, drying her feet. She smiled at Rei, and >returned her attention to her toes. Rei thought they were very nice toes. Crow: So Rei has a foot fetish? I always figured her more as an S&M type … >In fact, she liked everything about Asuka. Tom: Especially the thing she did with her tongue … >She often wondered, Mike: "Where do babies come from?" Crow: "What's Vietnam?" Tom: "Does anyone actually believe Britney Spears is screwing the gay guy from N'Sync?" Crow: Which one? >on the increasingly infrequent nights when she slept alone in her bed, if >she wanted to be Asuka, Mike: Well, at least Shinji's not getting all the attention. Tom: But ... Asuka hates Rei ... Asuka hates *everyone* ... Mike: Shhhh, it's OK, honey. >but that didn't seem to fit. She felt for her almost the same way that she >felt for Shinji. All: *singing* I feeel for youuu … I think I loooove you … >She WANTED her. Mike: She was wanted … Dead or Alive. Crow: OK, I think we've exceeded our 80's song reference limit … > Tom: What the hell's Magic Voice doing here? Magic Voice: Hey, it was between seasons, and the budget was getting tight ... >She supressed her thoughts, and concentrated on drying herself. Crow: A good thing, too, because she'd almost rubbed her entire epidermis off without noticing. >The relaxation brought on by the shower felt good, Tom: Yes, the warm water spraying all over her firm, supple young flesh ... Mike: Easy, there, cowboy. >and the combat simulator had been interesting.... Crow: In a "I'm-getting-my-spinal-cord-crushed" sort of way. >And the enjoyment of working as a team with Unit-02.... Rei was brought back >to reality Mike: So it was all a dream, then? Tom: (Rei) And Shinji, you were there, and Asuka, you were there, and Commander ... is it *really* that long? Crow: TOM! >by a soft touch on her belly. She looked down, but could see only a sea of Mike: The blood of the non-believers! Tom: Maybe it's a Sea of Dirac. Crow: Nah, that'd require it to actually have something to do with the show. >glistening red strands. Crow: Omigod! Someone just gutted Rei! >Something warm and wet Mike: Oh great, another Dark Sonic-esque snuff fic ... >flicked into her navel. Mike: Oh, nevermind, it's just Asuka. Crow: Almost as bad ... Tom: Some people have no taste. >She giggled softly, dropping the towel to reach down and stroke Asuka's Crow: Bajeech? Tom: Lotus Petals? Mike: Cheese Curls? Bots: ... MIke: Hey, I'm from Wisconsin, gimme a break ... >hair. She was still amazed at how Tom: Unbelievably out-of-character she was. >good Asuka could make her feel. Crow: Especially after she made her take the blue pills. >It was good like Shinji, but somehow in a different way. Crow: It wasn't all sticky and she didn't get the strangest idea that she was commiting incest. >Asuka continued nuzzling at Rei's tummy. It was nice and flat, covered with >very fine downy hair, just long enough to catch between lips. Tom: Fuzzy Rei was an EVA pilot ... >She knew Rei liked that, Mike: You like it bitch, don't you? Say my name, SAY MY NAME! Tom: Mike, you should really stop watching Crow's German Bondage porn collection. Crow: No kidding ... heyyy! Tom: *snickers* >but then again, Rei seemed to like EVERYTHING. Mike: Even Pauly Shore movies. Bots: *shudder* >She could feel a tickling on her chin, knew it was Rei's light blue pubic >hair, Tom: Little Rei, little Rei, let me in! Mike: Not by the pubes on your chinny-chin-chin! Crow: Well, I'll be damned. Guess that IS her natural color. >curls softened by water, rubbing against her face. She sneaked a finger up >through them, Tom: Going deep behind enemy lines ... Crow: Snaking through the underbrush ... Tom: Penetrating their flank ... >and giggled when she heard Rei squeal with delight. Mike: (Deliverence) Gonna make you SQUEEEEEEAL like a piggy!!! >"As... Tom: (Asuka) Ass? You want it in the ass? Well, alright ... >Asuka... Would you and Shinji like to...hehe... Mike: Uh-oh, she's finally snapped. She's gonna blow! >come to my place to 'study' Tom: (Rei) Hint-hint, wink-wink, say no more, say no more ... >after work?" Mike: (Asuka) I'm sorry, I don't follow you. Do you think you could foreshadow a little bit more? >Asuka nodded, mid-lick, Crow: How many licks does it take to get to the center of Rei? >causing the first child to wriggle with pleasure, and stood up, leaving Rei >in a Mike: Puddle. Tom: And so Rei falls victim to Hentai Cliche #4586. >heightened state of arousal. Crow: And leaving us in a state of confusion. Tom: Still better than in a state of Utah. >"Sure we would. Mike: (Sally Struthers) Have an orgy? Sure, we all would! Crow: That's … really disturbing, Mike. >It's very important to study, Tom: (Asuka) And you *know* how much Advanced Calculus turns me on … >and study in groups is even more useful. Speaking of which, Crow: (Asuka) Eat me! No, really, eat me! >think you can sit through de-briefing like that, Tom: (Rei) I think that I should probably put some clothes on first … >or would you like to be finished off?" >Rei shifted, Mike: She's plane shifting! She's escaping from this bizarre alternate reality! >the heat between her legs was almost unbearable, Tom: The temperature of a normal person's vagina is 98.6 degrees … but an Eva pilot's vagina tastes muuuch … Crow: Ahh! Tom: Muuuch … Crow: Ahh! Tom: Hotter! Mike: I gotta make you guys stop watching old gum commercials … >but she wondered what it would be like to Tom: Take a course in industrial arts. >keep it in anticipation. Crow: I think it would make her shiver … with antici … pation. >"I think I would like to sit through de-briefing like this. Tom: (Rei) I enjoy sitting in a pool of my own fluids! >It might be... pleasant...." >Asuka grinned and kissed her lightly, "You're so cute when you talk like >that. Tom: (Asuka) When you act like an emotionless doll … >Promise I'll finish the job when we get to your apartment." Mike: (Asuka) You've got all that drywall that SCREAMS to be painted … > >As the three pilots filed into the debriefing room, All: *singing* All in all, you're just another brick in the wall … >Shinji was sure that he saw Maya, Misato and Ritsuko sniff slightly. Mike: (Misato) Jeez, weren't you guys supposed to bathe? >He could smell the sweet musk Tom: (Shinji) Ahhh, Old Spice. >of arousal on Rei, and more faintly from Asuka, and he was in a closed >soundproofed room with five beautiful women. Crow: All of whom were armed. >Once more, All: He could smell the sweet musk of … >he thanked whatever powers possessed him to wear loose trousers today. All: Ewwww … Crow: (Shinji) It expanded … >They sat in the comfortable chairs on the opposite side of the light table, >its surface covered with Tom: Porn. You're surprised? >computer sync graphs and screen dumps from the simulation program. Mike: Congratulation! Thank you for players. >Shinji was sitting next to Rei, Tom: (Shinji, brattish) I don't WANNA sit next to her, she's got COOTIES! >and her intoxicating aroma filled his nostrils, Crow: (Shinji) Ahhhh, ammonia … >filling his head with swirling images Mike: (Shinji) Really shouldn't have taken that acid before the meeting … >of two bodies making a spirited attempt to become one. >"...synchronisation ratios up 5 points since....Shinji! Mike: (Shinji) Football practice! >Are you listening to me?" Ritsuko's voice stopped droning, Tom: (Ben Stein) Beuhler? Beuhler? >and became sharp, snapping him out of his thoughts. >"Hrmmm.... Well, I can see that everyones mind is ENTIRELY Crow: In the gutter? I could've told you that a long time ago. >on matters at hand." >Misato and Maya started guiltily out of their day-dreams, Mike: (Maya) I wasn't thinking you have a huge butt, honest! >and began shuffling through their reports. Tom: The boss is coming! Quick, look busy. Crow: I'm hoping Ikari is one person who WON'T be coming in this fic ... >"So I think we can leave it there. Suffice to say, Crow: (Dr. Akagi) We're all gonna get laid! >tommorrow, Crow: (Dr. Akagi) Why wait till tomorrow? Let's do it tonight! >we shall be holding a similar run, except we'll do it under low-light, >low-power conditions. Mike: (Dr. Akagi) Rei, you'll be wearing a Santa suit and Asuka will be dressed like Cindy Lou Who. >You may want to read up on the Evangelion's light-enhancement capabilities. >Okay? Dismissed." All: School's out! >As everyone began filing out the door, Misato stopped Shinji Tom: *singing* Stop … in the name of sex … >with a hand on his Crow: Damn, Asuka, Rei, now Misato? Shinji's a player! >arm. Crow: Oh. >"Shinji? Could I speak with you for a moment?" Tom: Is Misato part of this bizarre EVA orgy too? Crow: Nah, she'll probably be doing Kaji or something. Tom: But ... Kaji's ... Crow: Yes, yes, I know. Do you think a minor thing as the story of the show is going to get of the way of PORN(tm)? >As Maya followed Ritsuko out, she closed the sound-proofed door behind her. Mike: As they both began to moan and gasp … >Shinji shifted nervously, not entirely sure what it was all about. The Major >took a deep breath. Mike: *softly* Gigaaaantooor … >"Shinji. Mike: John. Crow: Marsha. Tom: Chief? Crow: McCLOUD! >I'm sure you're aware that Tom: (Misato) I'm a major babe, yet you haven't even tried to peek at me. What gives? >what Asuka said during today's exercise was said over open channels, and that >everyone in the control center heard it?" Crow: (Misato) I didn't even know you could DO that with a ketchup bottle! >The third child blushed heavily, but nodded. >"Then by standard operational procedure, Mike: (Misato) You must take me next! >as your superior officer, I need to ask you is the relationship between you, >Rei and Asuka entire Tom: As opposed to his relationship with half of Asuka? Crow: Yeah, the lower half … >consentual, and do you Mike: (Misato) Need some condoms? I have plenty … >believe that it will adversely impact upon the workings of this organisation?" >"I...we...I mean.. Tom: (Shinji) 3! Blue! The war of 1812! >We all agreed upon it... And I don't think it will cause problems.... I.. >think we're working better as...a team... Crow: (Shinji) And... they really like... my... Shatner impression... >They like each other more... I..like...them both....too...we..." Mike: Are … Borg ... you … will … be … assimilated … Crow: By this time my lungs were aching for air! >He looked shocked, even through his blush, as Misato cut him off with a >laugh. Tom: Oh, for fun! Crow: (Misato) I like you, you make me laugh. You die last. >"It's okay Shinji. These are just regulations. We were expecting something >like this, Crow: Y'know, putting together three teenagers with the combined social skills of a cockroach together, they're bound to start having sex! >and Kaji, Maya and myself all believe that Mike: Orgies are fun for the entire EVA family! Tom: (Kaji) Wait, aren't I supposed to be dead? >it's most probably for the best. We don't actually know about the others, Tom: Others? What others? Please don't tell me Kouru and Toji have hooked up … Crow: It's not that much weirder than Asuka and Rei … >'Ko refuses to talk about it, Mike: Then again, the fact that she's a gorilla might have something to do with it. >and you know what the commanders are like. That's all I wanted to say. >You can go now." Tom: (Shinji) Too late … Mike: *gags* Tom! >"I....Yes..." He turned to leave. >"And Shinji?" Crow: (Misato) Meet me behind the EVAs at 5. And bring your ... special plug suit. *wink wink* >"Yes?" >"Good work. ^_^" All: … Crow: Good lord. The fic has SMILEYS in it. Tom: This is a very, very bad sign, isn't it, Mike? Mike: I'm afraid so, honey. Crow: I can see the lemon scenes now. (Rei) Fuck me, Asuka! ;D Mike: Crow … >Shinji left before she could see him blushing again. > >The two girls met him, both wearing identical smiles, in the locker room. Tom: (Asuka) OK, you hold him down, I'll take his underwear and pull it over his head … >"Oh there you are, Shinjiiiiii. Crow: (Asuka) You haven't been feeding Misato your baloney pony again, have you? >Come on, we're going to Rei's place to study." >"Study? But we.....oh..... Mike: Not terribly swift on the uptake, is he? >I see... Study....^_^" >Once more, the twin killer smiles that never failed to Crow: Be somewhat disturbing … >take his breath away. Which meant that when he went to replace it, Tom: (Shinji) Damn breath got stolen, now I gotta wait in line at Customer Service for an hour … >he got another blast of the pairs pheremones. His body reacted in the >prescribed manner... Mike: (Doctor) Take two erections and DON'T call me in the morning. >"Asuka, do you suppose *THAT* will last until we get there?" Crow: (Rei) Doubt it, he's got the potency of a wet noodle … Tom: (Shinji) Least I'm not a dead fish … Bots: *hiss and snarl* >"I don't know... What do you think, Shinji? Mike: (Shinji) Duhhhhhhhh … >Can you hold back until we arrive?" >"...." > >Shinji couldn't hold back Mike: *snicker* Well, I guess that settles *that* question. >even half of the way. Crow: (Asuka) Shinji-baka!!! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get cum out of jeans?!? >Fortunately, the automated train was deserted, but Shinji somehow doubted if >it would have mattered to him if it was packed. Mike: (Shinji) More the merrier, I always say! >Barely after the train had lurched out of the station, Tom: Ahh, must be Amtrak. Crow: (Lurch) You rang? Huuuuuu … >he was leaning back on his seat, Tom: Beer in one hand, remote control on the other, Spice Channel on the tube … >his fly open, with Rei on top of him, Tom: Or, hell, that's even better … Crow: Thought you liked Asuka? Tom: Picky, picky … >clenching his erect penis between her silky thighs. Crow: Her delicately rounded thighs … Mike: This is no time for … ah, never mind. >She reached her cool hands out and took hold of his face, tilting it slightly, Tom: *SNAP!* (Rei) Oops! Sorry. Mike: (Rei) Just a little bit to the right … now down … there we go. Now don't move. >then kissing him deeply. She tasted of arousal, her tounge eager for his. Tom: Her tounge? Crow: Maybe she's dueling Shinji with a pair of tongs? >Shinji gasped a little as he felt something Mike: (Shinji) I sense a great disturbance in my pants … >move down near where their bodies were touching, saw it was Asuka's head Tom: Just her head? Not the rest of her body? Mike: Tryin' to get ahead in life, I guess. Bots: *groan* >and hands moving the folds of Rei's dress out of the way, Mike: Even when practicing ellicit sex, Rei always makes sure that her clothes are neatly pressed. >then nearly went out of his mind Crow: (Shinji) I'm going insane! Wheeeee! >as the very tip of his shaft, Mike: Who's the private dick who's the post-apocalyptic sex machine to the EVA pilots? Bots: SHAFT! Mike: Damn right. He's one bad mutha- Bots: Shut yo mouth! Mike: I'm just talkin' about Shaft. Can ya dig it? >just projecting from its nest between Rei's thighs and underwear, Tom: I didn't know those things made nests ... Crow: So why're they dry-humping? Just move a little cloth two inches to one side ... >was engulfed by a hot and wet mouth. All: *make messy eating sounds* >He could feel release coming closer...closer...closer.... Mike: Echo ... echo ... echo ... Tom: IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US!!! >"The next stop will be All: Wha-wha-wha-whaaaaa ... >Yamashito Station. Please remain seated until the train has come to a complete >stop. Crow: Please remain humping until the fic has come to a complete stop. Thank you! >The doors will open automatically." Mike: (Announcer) And you three in the back, get a damn room, would you? >the cold, impersonal voice of an announcer droned. All three jumped Crow: Might as well jump! Tom: Wish this fic would jump ... >as the train shuddered to a stop and as they saw there were people waiting to >board. Crow: The train or Rei? Mike: Crow ... >Asuka stuffed his still-hard dick back into his trousers, Tom: *SNAP!* Mike: *groans and falls out of his chair* Owie … >licking her lips of the slight film of pre-cum. Crow: (Asuka) Nummy-nummy-nummy ... >Rei sat beside him, and rested her head on his left shoulder, her hands in >positions only just allowable in public. Tom: Digit sex? >Asuka took the cue Mike: And took the fall. >and did the same on his right side. Weary businessmen in suits and ties Tom: (Businessman) Hey, Roy, how's the wife and kids doin'? Crow: (Businessman) They've been dead for five years, you heartless bastard. >stared curiously at them as they found seats, either wondering Crow: "What's her bra size?" >what the three were doing together, Tom: More like what they *weren't* doing together ... >or imagining themselves in Shinji's place. It seemed that the rest of the >trip took an eternity too long... Mike: Read "The Quest for Aeris" sometime. THAT'S an eternity too long. Bots: Amen. > >Rei had barely unlocked the door Mike: (Rei) Honey, I'm ... oh, wait. >when Asuka pushed her inside, dragged Shinji in after her, Tom: (Asuka) C'mon, Shinji-baka, you know how much I need that Chemistry! >and slammed the door shut. Crow: (Asuka) Whew! That was too close. Damn Jehovah's Witnesses ... >Shinji had barely even enough time to give a startled 'huh?' Mike: (Shinji) Huhhhh? Whaaa? >before Asuka had her shirt and shorts off, All: *make sounds of fabric ripping* Tom: (Asuka) I go through more blouses that way ... >and was making menacing advances on Rei. Crow: So is she going to kill her or screw her? MAKE UP YOUR MIND! >Rei backed away coyly, tripped over the step, All: D'OH! >and fell over backwards, giving the others a less-than-coy view of her >underwear. Before she could regain her feet, Asuka had pounced on her. Tom: At the first sign of weakness, the feral Asuka Soryhu leaps upon her prey, bearing it to the ground. >"Remember I said I was going to finish you off when we got to your apartment?" >"Yes." Crow: No. Mike: Maybe? >"Well... We're now at your apartment, Tom: (Rei) No shit? >so I'm going to finish you off...." All: FINISH HER!!! >"^_^" Crow: ... Rei going "^_^". Mike, are we dead? Mike: Not last time I checked. Why? Crow: Because I'm in Hell .. >Asuka kissed her, Tom: (Asuka) Stop typing emoticons and kiss me, you fool! >at the same time deftly unfastening Rei's dress and shirt, Crow: She undoes girl's clothing with the greatest of ease ... >then reaching behind her to unlatch the girls bra. Before she was really aware >of anything else but the kiss, Rei was naked, Mike: Yeah, I hate it when I'm not paying any attention and all of a sudden I'm not wearing any clothes. Bots: Riiiight, Mike ... >her white underwear pulled half-way down her legs, Crow: Looks like we know the Color of Her Panties. Tom: Indeed. Guess we found the Source of her Magic, huh? Crow: I'd like to cast a Spell for her Chameleon ... Mike: Have you two been reading Xanth again? Bots: *whistle innocently* >lying in a pool of discarded clothing. Mike: You ever swam in one of those things? It's not easy. >"Shinji! Tom: Stop masturbating and help me here! >Make yourself useful and undo my bra for me. My hands are kind of busy." >"Uh... O...okay...." Crow: He sounds so enthusiastic, doesn't he? >Despite all the sex they'd had in the previous month, Mike: People STILL insisted he was gay. >Shinji was still a little nervous when it came around to the big event. Tom: What, the triathelon? >The sight of Asuka's tanned body Tom: *singing* Tan, don't burn, get a Coppertone tan ... >on top of Rei's lithe pale form Crow: *sighs happily and leans back in the chair* Mike: You're enjoying this, aren't you? Crow: Hey, the characterization may be twisted beyond recognition, but as an old friend once told me, lesbian sex makes everything better. >was still enough to make him feel faint. Tom: Nosebleed! > Mike: (Shinji) I mustn't be in character, I mustn't be in character, I mustn't be in character ... >"What are you mumbling about, Shinji?" Tom: (Shinji) Waffles. God, I love waffles. >Asuka broke off her kiss Crow: She broke her lips off? Ewwww ... >and looked over her shoulder at him, frowning, "Stop staring and take it off!" All: *chanting* Take it off, take it off, take it off ... >Shinji fumbled with the odd fastening on the back of the bra. Mike: (Shinji) Jeez, who designed this, H.R. Giger? >but if that's true, then Tom: I'm a dead hamster. >a woman must have invented the catch on it as revenge....> >After several seconds of scrabbling, Mike: (Shinji) YES! Triple word score! >he finally managed to undo it, and slipped the garment off Asuka, who >obliginly lifted one arm Tom: Whew! Asuka, put on some deoderant, for Eris' sake! Crow: (Annoying Guy) Today we're gonna talk about your PITS! >after the other so he could get it free. Mike: Let my undergarments go! >"Ahhh.... Tom: (Asuka) I love the smell of fresh clone pussy in the morning ... >That's better." she said as she lowered her now-naked breasts to Reis, Tom: Hey, leave Final Fantasy Tactics out of this! Crow: No Apostrophy Evangelion, I guess. >who gasped at the touch. Mike: (Rei) Damn, you really *are* a witch ... Bots: Huh? Mike: Y'know, colder than a witch's ... ah, never mind. >"Awww, Tom: Kitties! Crow: I see one kitty, anyway ... *drools* >would you look at that, Shinji. She's even getting off on THAT." >"Asuka... please.... Mike: (Rei) Can't ... breathe ... >I want to..to come... now...." Tom: Come now, pay later! >Rei's face was red, and the blush desended Crow: Down, down, going down ... Mike: Hey, that's my schtick! >almost to her belly. She was breathing heavily, Tom: (Rei) *wheeze* Get me ... *wheeze* my inhaler ... >and was pulling Askua down onto her almost frantically. Mike: (Rei) I'm goin' down, you're doin' down with me! Crow: Or going down on her, more likely. >The red-head grinned and wormed her way down so she was half-lying, half- >kneeling Tom: And half-jumping and half-running. Crow: All at once? Damn. >between Rei's legs, her head resting on Rei's gently moving stomach. >"Ready, Rei?" Mike: Is Rei really really ready already? > >Rei could't speak, Tom: *singing* Don't speak, I know just what you're thinkin' ...* Mike: Don't tell me, 'cuz this fic hurts. >only nod, her hands moving Crow: Oh, look, she's doing sign language. Tom: Let's see ... "Get ... me ... off ... this ... damn ... lemon." Mike: I didn't know you spoke sign language, Tom. Tom: She's either saying thator "Take out your samurai swords and shave my cootch with them." Mike: *sighs and shakes his head* Why, Joel, why ... Joel: (v.o.) Hey, I was bored and all I had for the brain padding were Dr. F's old porn magazines. >to once more stroke the red hair. >With her anticipation building all afternoon, it didn't take much. Tom: Suddenly, she snaps and shoots up NERV headquarters! Oh, the humanity! Mike: My, someone's dark today. >She strained, trying to hold back, All: Hold ... >trying to keep the delicious All: Hoooold ... >sensations from creasting, All: HOOOOOLD ... >but it was no good. All: NOOOOOOWWWWW!!! >She came in short gasps, blood rushing to her cheeks and breasts. Mike: (Blood) Gotta get there before the stores close! >Asuka looked up, Crow: God? 'Zat you? >grinning at her, and extricated one of her juice-drenched hands Mike: So her hands are illegal immigrants? Tom: "Extricated?" Crow: (Onslaught) BEHOLD MY MIGHTY HAND! >from the complicated movements they were making on Rei's pussy Crow: I see Asuka's been making good use of those Tai Chi classes. >to lick some of the clear liquid from it. Mike: (Asuka) Mmmm, Crystal Pepsi. >"Shinji? You want some of this?" she asked, offering her other hand to him. Mike: (Asuka) Talk to the hand. >Shinji tore his eyes away from Rei to stare at the hand. Tom: (Shakespearean) Is this a cum-covered hand I see before me? >Then he smiled, and grabbed the profferred hand, Crow: Someone's been reading the Warrior's thesaurus ... Tom: DESTRUCITY! >sucking at her fingers, tasting her sweat and Rei's wetness combined. Mixed >with the heady aroma of sex Mike: By your fluids combined, I am Captain Porno! >permeating the air, Shinji's head began to spin. Tom: (Shinji) You spin me right round, right round ... >He just couldn't take it anymore... Mike: He's mad as hell, and he's not gonna take this anymore! >"Eeek!" Asuka squeaked, as Shinji pulled her last remaining item of apparel >down, off her hips, halfway down her legs. Tom: Eyes closed, off the McDonald's sign, through the window, across the ocean, through Osama bin Laden's cave, off the Buddhist temple, over the Alps, off the Tokyo Tower, across the other ocean, off the Starbuck's, through the window, off the board ... nothin' but net. Crow: All that time spent saying a joke that maybe three or four people will get. >She moved up onto her hand and knees Crow: Only one of them? Guess Shinji never gave the other one back. >as Rei wriggled out from beneath her. Tom: (Rei) Thanks, Shinji. Damn, Asuka, you need to stop packing away all that ramen ... >She felt Shinji gently part her nether lips with his fingers, Crow: Parting the Red Sea ... Tom: Plucking the flower petals ... Crow: Mike, I call no cheese-related euphamisms. Mike: ... Well, damn. >then slowly push himself inside. Mike: (Dexter) What are you *DOING* in my laboratory?!? Tom: (Shinji) Yo, yo, yo! DJ Shinji Ikari up in your area! >She was very wet, and Shinji was well lubricated by pre-cum, Crow: Castrol Pre-Cum. Protects against viscosity AND thermal breakdown! Tom: Helps treat the rug-burns, too. >so they slid easily together. Shinji got a firm grip on either side of her >hips, and used the hand-hold to deepen his slow, steady thrusts. Mike: Good to know women have convenient handles for easier use. Tom: They also make for easier carrying. >"Sh... oh... Crow: (Shinji) Show? Have you been cheating on me with Paul Wight? Tom: Eris, I hope not ... >Shinji... Faster! I want it fast!" All: *singing* Make it fast! Watch yourself! >Shinji winked at Rei, Mike: (Shinji) Alright, now, grab her wallet and tie her shoelaces together! >who giggled softly, and kept to his slow pace. Tom: *singing to "Smoke on the Water"* Sloooow fuckin' Shinjiii ... >"Shinji! Faster!" Crow: (Asuka) Must go faster, must go faster, mustgofaster, gogogogogogogo ... >the red-head was driving herself backwards in an effort to heighten the >already-intense feelings. It wasn't working. Mike: (Asuka) Wish you had a little bit more to work with ... Tom: Eh, leave Shinji alone. He's been through enough hell. Mike: Yes, but he's stuck in a post-apocalyptic world with these two while I'm stuck in a spaceship with two male robots. It's just not fair, dammit. >As she forced her firm rear towards him, Shinji deliberately shuffled back on >his knees, never losing his rhythm. >"Oh... Is that your game, is it, third child? Crow: (Asuka) I'll have you know that I'm the world champion of Goldeneye 007! >Well, we'll just see about that, shall we?" >Asuka scuffed back faster, forcing Shinji up against the closed door Tom: (Asuka) Balls to the wall, Shinji! Mike: Owie ... >and using all of her strength to pin him there with her backside. Mike: (Asuka) Behold my MAD ASS SKILLZ! >"Hey! That's cheating!" Tom: (Shinji) No fair using Game Genie! >Shinji squirmed as he felt himself coming closer to the edge. Crow: Yes, but is he about to break? >"Bet you come before I do, Shinji. Whoever comes first Mike: ... Thinks slowest. >has to do Rei until she's fully satisfied." Crow: ... And this is a BAD thing? >Shinji pondered the bet. Tom: (Brain) Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Crow: (Pinky) Sure am, Brain! But where are we going to get a mule, a beach ball and 30 pounds of lube at this time of night? >Rei was almost insatiable when aroused, and he could see from the look on >her face that she was Mike: Eager for the fic to get over with? >pretty turned on by that stage. But what would he have to lose Tom: His dignity? Crow: Nah, that's long since been anhillated. >other than a few days and nights without sleep? Crow: Oh, trust me, we won't be sleeping well either. >"You're on." he grinned, pressing forward as he did so. Mike: Push forward, men! Into the breech! >Asuka squealed with delight, and grabbed hold of one of his hands, twisting it >in a compicated judo manuver. All: The hell? Mike: Is this porn or Agent for H.A.R.M.? Crow: Agent for P.O.R.N.? Tom: Maybe they're screwing on the "judo range." >Their bodies parted with a wet squelch, All: Ewww ... Tom: FATALITY! >and the next thing Shinji knew, he was flat on the floor, with a smirking red- >head poised tantalisingly over his twitching dick. Crow: Not any particular red-head, mind you, just a generic smirking one. >As Asuka's head lowered, Shinji knew he was going to lose the bet. >"No fair! I thought we were going to keep going the other way." Tom: *singing* And they do it the wrong way ... >"I never said anything about that, Shinji... Mike: (Asuka) Ha-ha, I didn't say Simon Says! >Rei, if you'd like to be the witness... Tom: (Asuka) Drum roll please ... >Ready for it, Shinji? It's gonna be a sleepless night for you." Crow: Jeez, are you gonna blow him or just talk him to death? >Shinji tried to wriggle away, but her legs and arms kept him pinned to the >floor. Tom: 1 ... 2 ... 3! We have a NEW World Wrestling Federation champion! >He could feel her soft breath on his hard wet head. > Mike: God? Tom: Eris? Crow: Cthulhu? Mike: Dr. Laura? Crow: Mr. Drysdale? Tom: Chief? Crow: McCLOUD! >The voice echoed in his head. All: ECHO-echo-echo ... >Shinji stared, turned his gaze away, looked at Rei. Mike: Stood up, went to the bathroom, went to the refridgerator, grabbed a beer, said hello to Pen-pen ... >She was sitting against the wall, her legs straight out, hands clasped in her >lap. Tom: Uh-oh, Rei's batteries ran out. Better get the recharger. >Her red eyes looked straight at him. Crow: (Ben Stein) For dry, red eyes, clear eyes is *awesome*. >Do it for me.> Crow: If Shinji starts hearing a heartbeat and seeing blue light, I'm LEAVING. Tom: Just hope he doesn't go berserker and try to eat their S2 organs ... >He looked back down. A small part of his mind, the part that had learned combat >skills, Tom: Yes, the MAD COMBAT SKILLZ ... Mike: Tom, have you been putting Hammer's lines on repeat in the Holocabana again? Tom: Uhhh ... pass! >whispered to him, Crow: *whispering* If you lick it, she will cum ... Tom: (Shinji) Asuka, the voices in my head don't like you ... >'Her left leg is too low, there's not enough pressure, you can break this hold.' >Shinji clenched his teeth Mike: (Shinji) Uhm, grr? Behold my tiger-like agility! Grr? >as his entire length was sucked into Asuka's mouth, Tom: Not that much, really, just about a mouthful. Crow: With Asuka, that's still pretty big ... >tried to keep his mind on breaking the pin. With a flex of his muscles, Mike: (Shinji) Behold my SIX AND ONE QUARTER-INCH PYTHONS!!! Tom: More like garter snakes ... >he slipped his arm out from under Asuka's leg, pushing up with his other arm, >forcing the girl off balance. Crow: In surprise, Asuka bit down. Hard. Mike: Aggggghhhhh ... *noticably winces* >Her mouth ceased its sucking action Tom: Neon Genesis Evangelion figures! Asuka, with EXTREME SUCKING ACTION! Mike: Rei, with EXTREME COMATOSE INACTION! Crow: Shinji, with EXTREME WHINING ACTION! >as she started in surprise. In the moment of respite that bought him, >he flipped her over, Mike: And lightly grilled the other side for awhile. >and leapt on top of her, Crow: MANNIX! >holding her writhing limbs in place with his own. >"Well, it looks like I've got you pinned now, Asuka." he gloated, Mike: (Sean Connery) The day is mine! >and bent his head to kiss at one of her nipples, Tom: Unfortunately, he missed and kissed her armpit instead. Crow: Ewwww ... >flicking its tip lightly with his tounge. Tom: There it is again! Crow: Sounds like some kind of obscure French sword. >She moaned and bared her teeth at him, her eyes screwed shut, trying to keep >down Mike: Her lunch? I know the feeling. >the waves of emotion that threatened to destroy her self-control. Tom: Because it was on the way to destruction. Crow: It has no chance to survive make its time. >She was aware of her limbs being released, but her body wouldn't react, Tom: (Asuka) Oh, you used Formala 9 date-rape powder on me, didn't you, you silly Shinji! >all of her mental resources Crow: Which isn't really saying much ... Tom: At least you can understand the words that come out of her mouth. Crow: At least Rei's voice doesn't sound like nails on chalkboard! Tom: Hey, Asuka has the voice of an angel! Mike: You two ... >taken up trying keep Shinji from winning. He stroked her labia All: *make purring sounds* >with his fingers, Crow: As opposed to, what? His tentacles? >and she knew she wasn't going to. Shinji had won. All: *hum the Final Fantasy II victory song* >Just as she felt his first finger-tip enter her, Tom: (Shinji) Can you sense me? Can you feel me near you? Crow: (Asuka) You're not near me, you're *in* me, baka! Tom: (Shinji) Oh ... right. >her sub-concious made a last ditch attempt. Pulling herself upright, Mike: And so, we see the first beginnings of mankind's evolution towards walking on two feet ... Bots: *make monkey sounds* >she made a frantic, scrabbling grab for the slick hardness between Shinji's legs. Mike: (Asuka) Must ... grab ... lifeline .. >Rei watched as they both came. Tom: And it's a photo finish! >By her guess, Asuka came first, but it would have only been by a fraction of a >second. They both sat there, panting and shivering, Crow: By this time, my lungs were aching for PORN(TM)! >hands on each other's laps, as their bodies were wracked with the shocks of >orgasm. All: WHOLE LOTTA SHAKIN' GOIN' ON! >Rei couldn't help but smile Crow: (Rei) Ahhh, those rascally scamps! >at the way Asuka looked at Shinji's cum Tom: (Asuka) Is this a penis I see before me...? >where it had splattered all over her chest and hand, and Shinji had much the >same expression Mike: (Shinji) Duhhhhhhhhh ... >as he looked at it, too. They collapsed to the floor, weakly, stamina spent. >"Urrggghhh... Crow: EEEEE-GAAAAAHH!!! Tom: WU-MAN! WU-MAN! >Rei... Who came first?" Mike: The characters or the author? >Rei stood, Crow: (Rei) Stop da music! >and walked over to the other two. She knelt down, Tom: (Rei) Bless us, Father, for all we do or think of is fucking … >and wiped some of the thick, pale liquid off Asuka's breast with her hand. Mike: (Motherly) Oh, look at this! Have you been playing in the pale ale again? >"It is difficult to tell." Crow: (Rei) … Exactly what the point of this fic is. >she licked her fingers thoughtfully, "I would say you both came at the same >time." Tom: Same time, man! I dunno you, same time! >Asuka struggled to turn her head, "You... don't mean.... Crow: (Asuka) That… I've been… infected… with the… William Shatner… virus? >I mean... We could have a rematch.... Crow: Round Two … FU- Mike: Could we *please* try to keep usage of the f-word down? Crow: Oh, all right … >Sudden-death....Best of three.. Something?" Tom: (Asuka) Maybe a game of Magic: The Gathering? >Rei shook her head, and bent to kiss her. >"No, Miss Sorhyu. Crow: (British) How can you have any poontang if you don't beat his meat?!? >The bet was for whoever came first. Since neither of you came last, you both >came first..." Tom: (Rei) And you're both screwed. Literally. >"But.... neither of us came fir....Mnnnfffflll" Mike: (Rei) Oh, Asuka, I love it when you whisper sweet "Mnnnfffflll"s in my ear … >Rei held the kiss for a long while. Asuka was breathless by the time it >broke. >"So, since you both lost, Crow: (Rei) LOSERRRRS! >that means you both have to do me until I've had enough...." Mike: Don't stop till ya get enough! >she snaked one hand down to rub at Shinji's semi-erection, and >toyed with Asuka's sweat-damped pubic hair with the other. >Asuka and Shinji looked at each other. Bots: (Asuka and Shinji) SCORE! >"This is all YOUR fault!" >"My fault? Mike: (Asuka) That's what I said! >You were the one who started the bet." >"If you'd gone faster, I wouldn't have had to do it." Crow: (Shinji) Well, if your vagina wasn't made from ice water ... >"If you'd sat still and came without such a fuss, then there'd only be one of >us in this mess." >"What, so you could sit there and watch? Mike: (Shinji) Well, it's better than Cinemax. >Wouldn't you rather participate than sit there and jack off?" Tom: (Shinji) But I LIKE jacking off! >"Well, yes, Crow: So what the hell are you two arguing about?!? >but that's not the point." >Rei looked at each of them in turn, Mike: (Rei) You both suck. I'm gonna go play with my AT Field Dildo now. >and pouted her cutest pout. >"Now look what you've done, Shinji, you've made my Rei unhappy." "Your Rei? She's as much mine as she is yours." >"No way, Crow: (Shinji) Way! Tom: (Asuka) No way! Crow: (Shinji) Way! >I can make her deliriously happy. AND keep her there longer." Tom: (Asuka) It's called a 'tongue', Shinji. Try using it for something other than whining sometime. >"You? She fakes it for you." All: Ooooooohhh ... Tom: Alright, the two of you, back to your corners ... >"Oh yeah?" >"Yeah!" Tom: (Asuka) Are not! Crow: (Shinji) Am too! Tom: (Asuka) Are not! Crow: (Shinji) Am too! Mike: Damn it, you two, settle down or we're turning this fic around! >"Prove it!" >Rei smiled smugly as she was pressed to the floor Bots: (Chanting) Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor ... >by the weight of two bodies, intent on licking, kissing, pinching, sucking, >rubbing, feeling, pressing, Tom: Folding, stapling, spindling … >poking Mike: Poke-a-Rei? Crow: Gotta screw 'em all! >and otherwise stimulating her to the best that they could. Tom: Which wasn't much, really ... >She had a feeling that this was going to be pleasant... Mike: Very pleasant? >Very pleasant. > >The screen shrank to a pin-prick of white on black. All: *begin humming the MST3K love theme* >Ritsuko let go of the power-button, and swung her chair around. >"Awwww..... 'Ko... They were just getting to the good part." Tom: (Misato) I'd just gotten to the final boss of "Final Fantasy 7!" >"Interesting bit of study that they were doing there, wasn't it?" sniggered >Kaji. >"I honestly thought Mike: (Misato) That you were supposed to be dead, Kaji. What gives? >for a minute this afternoon that Tom: (Misato) There was some kind of plot to this. Guess not. >they'd developed an interest in education. I wasn't actually expecting this...." >"What? Crow: She *SAID*, "I honestly thought for a minute ..." >Even after all the 'study meetings' we did back in college, Misato? Tom: (Ritsuko) Y'know, those times where we unexplainedly started having lesbian sex? Mike: Eh, probably at a kegger. >I'm stunned that you allowed yourself to forget. Crow: I'm stunned there hasn't been more sex! PJ would've thrown in three sex scenes and a yuri sequence for good measure! Tom: Pity the guy's gone. >I seem to remember it was you who used that euphamism, too." >Misato frowned, knowing that she couldn't win, Mike: (Misato) Gah, I lost an argument with a *blonde*! How humiliating! Crow: Now who's fishing for flames? >so changed the subject. "Ritsuko, can you put it back on again? Pleeeeeeease?" Crow: When the hell did Misato get turned into Sailor Moon? Tom: (Misato) Pretty pretty pretty please with a cherry on top? >"Hrmmm... I COULD, but that would be giving you what you wanted. And I couldn't >have that." Tom: (Ritsuko) After all, that's Kaji's job. >Misato pouted at the blonde scientist. Mike: There's almost as much pouting in this fic as there was murmering in "Horrors of Spider Island". >"Well, if that's the way you're going to be, Crow: (Misato) Take that tape and shove it! >I think we'll leave. I know when I'm not appreciated." Tom: (Misato) Come along, Scruffy Sex Toy. >She and Kaji rose from their chairs in the control room and exited, whispering >in each other's ears. Crow: *sigh* I envy them. Mike: Oh, because they're in love despite the chaos and death that rages around them? Tom: And the fact that Kaji's dead? Crow: No, it's the fact that they get to *leave*. >"Hrmph. Tom: (Ritsuko) Bimbo. Crow: (Misato) I heard that! At least I'm not blowing Ikari! Mike: (Gendo) Correct. Bots: ... >Stop in and tell Aoba and Hyuga that we've finished for the night before you >go. They should be Tom: Hopefully NOT having sex ... >in the archives office on this level." she called after them. Mike: (Ritsuko) Oh, and get me a soda from the lounge while you're at it! >She sighed, and moodily kicked at the desk cabinet. Crow: (Cabinet) Ow! Hey, I have rights too, y'know! >I wonder what the-...> Mike: (Ritsuko) ... Hell I was about to say? >The good doctor was interruped in her revierie by her protoge clearing her >throat behind her. Crow: (Ritsuko) What's the matter, cum caught in your throat? Mike: Crow ... >"Yes, Maya?" >The short-haired woman leaned in close, Tom: (Maya) Y'know, I really hate it when someone invades my personal space without asking, don't you? >her mouth close to Ritsuko's ear. >"Ma'am... Crow: (Maya) Your fly's unzipped. >Could we try that Simulation program?.... To iron out bugs in the system..... Mike: To boldly suck where no lemon has sucked before! >So tommorrow goes smoothly..." >"Huh? Tom: *snicker* Looks like the peroxide got to her brain. >Wha-...oh.... Crow: Not terribly swift on the uptake is she? >Of course. We can't have any problems cropping up, can we?" >She jacked the cartridge into the drive, and they walked arm-in-arm to the test >plugs. Tom: Is there ANY character in Evangelion that hasn't had sex in this fic yet? Crow: Other than the male operators, there's just Ikari and … Fyutski … All: … > >The screen shrank to a pin-prick of white on black. All: *begin humming again* >Commander Ikari Tom: Oh please no, no, no … >released the power button, and stood. Crow: (Ikari) I love my Nintendo. >"I think that that concludes work for the day. Our pilots are Mike: (Gendo) Dirty, dirty whores. Exactly as planned. >safe and well, even if they will be tired tommorrow, Tom: And sticky and sore and covered in chocolate. Crow: Why the chocolate? Tom: I dunno, sounds kinky. >and all of the staff have returned to their... Mike: (Gendo) Masturbating. Tom: My, but you're dirty tonight, Mike. Mike: *shrugs* Hey, it had to happen sometime. >civilian pursuits." >Commander Fyutski shook his head, Crow: (Fyutski) Bad Ikark! Bad! No biscuit! >snapping out of bizzare thoughts about combining Ritsuko's 'special' program >with the combat simulator. Mike: (Gendo) Fyutski, you are one weird mama-jama, y'know that? >"Yes, Sir." >Gendo plugged a thick All: EWWWWW!!! Crow: Please, please, PLEASE not Ikari/Fyutski yaoi!!! >fibre-optic cable All; *breathe a sigh of relief* >to the port on his desk terminal, then inserted the other end into his personal >computer. Mike: (Gendo) Now, at last, I can use my cable connection to download porn ten times as fast! >Pressing 'send', he waited while the days data was transferred across. The >laptop's hard-drive span down with a whine, Crow: (HD) But I don't WANNA download your data ... >and he turned it off, packing it up in his briefcase. >"I am going home, Fyutski. Tom: (Ikari) Don't follow me home this time, OK? Last time was just ... weird. >I expect to see you here early tommorrow for the annual Crow: Running of the Evas! Mike: That'd be a sight to see ... >general inspection of the geofront." >"Yes, Sir." >"And Fyutski?" >"Yes?" Tom: (Gendo) Do you know how to say ANYTHING other than "Yes?" Mike: (Fyutski) Yes, sir. >"Don't forget to put the tape back in the VCR. You left it out last night." >"Yes, Sir." Mike: Fyutski's dialogue shows just how incredibly deep his character is in this fic … >Gendo left his office. Tom: INTENSE ... OFFICE-LEAVING ... ACTION! >A ghost of a smile flitted across his face as he thought about Crow: Bunnies. They always made him happy for some reason. >the duplicate of the tape he'd just transferred on his laptop's hard-drive.... Mike: I wish *my* job got me free porn ... Tom: Well, technically it does, Mike. Mike: Yes, but it's all Red XIII having sex with Tifa and Bondage Fairies being eaten ... > >Aoba and Hyuga wandered back into the control center, Crow: (Aoba) HERE it is! We've been searching for this place for a half-hour! >arms full of snack-food. The main lights were off, and the entire place was >deserted. Mike: Ahhh, must be having an XFL football game there. >"Hey. Where do you suppose they all went?" Tom: (Hyuga) Have sex, probably, considering how many lemon writers are out there just aching to get their grubby little keyboards on Asuka and Rei. >"I don't know... These NERV staff, you duck out to get something to eat and they >run off on you. Mike: (Aoba) Oh, for fun! >Heh.", shrugged Aoba, "Maybe they all went home." Tom: *singing* Cuz there's no place like home for the holocaust ... >"Maybe. Hey, why's there a cart in the simulator drive? Crow: (Hyuga) Aoba, have you been playing Super Mario Bros. again? >And it's active... What's going on here?" >"I don't know... Hold on, I'll route it through onto the main monitor..... Crow: (Aoba) Main screen turn on! Tom: (Hyuga) It's you!!! Mike: (Maya) How are you gentlemen!! All your porn are belong to us. >split-screen mode....high-resolution....POV camera set to auto.... Tom: Technobabble to maximum ... >and activate." >Aoba finished Crow: Using all the technical words the author had in his thesaurus ... >setting up the options, pressed the last button, and turned. His jaw dropped, Mike: (Aoba) Hellooooooooo nurse! >as did Hyuga's, when they saw two very large images of their immediate superior >getting it on with their colleague, from both perspectives. >"Uhhh....." Tom: (Butthead) Uhhhh-huh-huh, uh-huh-huh-huh, cool.] Crow: (Beavis) Heeheehee, yeah yeah! >"We...should...ahem...monitor the...system..... Mike: (Aoba) Dammit, hold the cue cards up higher! I can't read! >to ensure that....it...works....properly... Yes. That's it." Tom: (Aoba) Yeah, that's the ticket. >Hyuga nodded. "Yes... It wouldn't do to have any...visual errors...occur tommorrow, would it? We'll have to study this carefully to ensure there isn't any...glitches...Hey, pass me some of that popcorn, will you?" >"I didn't know that Maya was so STACKED..." > >The sun rose sluggishly, warming the eastern faces of the skyscrapers of Tokyo-3. Mike: Mornin' after the apocalypse. The mornin' screw is a little better, the stench of burned human flesh is a little sweeter. >"Enough, Rei?" >"No. I can still go for another few." Mike: Good lord! This girl's a MACHINE! Tom: That'd explain a lot, actually ... Crow: Don't diss the blue-haired goddess, gumball breath. Mike: Hey, you two ... it's almost over yet. >"Aw, geez.... You're right, you're STILL wet. Where do you keep all of it? Crow: (Rei) Don't forget, us hentai girls are 75% empty space and 25% cum! >Do you have an unlimited supply or something?" Tom: Ah, must've imputted God Mode and Infinite Cum. >Rei giggled. >"Still, it'll be a cold day in hell before I concede defeat. Shinji! Crow: (Asuka) Do all the work while I sit on my ass and tell you what a bad job you're doing! >Get up here and put yourself to use." >"But Asuka, I don't have any left... I'm completely spent. My reserves are 0. Tom: (Shinji) You drank all my Tang! >One too many withdrawals. Stockpiles are all depleated. I've been shooting blanks.." >"Oh, stop whinging, Third Child, Mike: "Whinging?" Has he transformed into a bird now? >and enough with the euphamisms. Crow: For once, I agree. >It's not our fault you've run out." "Actually, Asuka, It is yo...." Tom: "It is yo"? Is that supposed to be P. Diddy-style philosphizing here? Crow: He gots da dope rhymes YO! Fresh. >Shinji was stopped by a hand grabbing his chin. Mike: (Shinji) Gah! Thing, get off me! >"Yak yak yak. All: Don't talk back. >You can still use your mouth, can't you? Then put it down THERE, and get to >it!" Tom: (British) How can you have any meat if you don't eat her pussy?!? >"Eeep!" > > >Closing credits: Mike: (Author) I would like to thank my mommy, and daddy, and my porn collection ... >As per normal, but with a red filter, instead of the normal blue. Crow: Ick, someone bled all over the fic ... >Music : Fly me to the moon - Techno-trance version... All: *start dancing* >What? All: Huh? Tom: Who's he talking to? >They didn't make a techno-trance version? Why the hell not? Crow: Because they have taste? >Okay.... Well, just imagine it, then. Mike: It's OK, we've already been imagining there's a plot to this thing ... > >Send comments, Tom: Oh, we've got plenty of those ... >criticisms Crow: Those too. >and anything else you might wanna add Mike: A coherent plot? Crow: An explanation of why Rei has gone Bizarro? Tom: Some evidence of these supposed battles between human factions? Crow: More detailed sex scenes? >to: violencejack@hotmail.com > Tom: Evil Overfiend Flailing? Mike: Energetic Oxygen Flutes? Crow: Extreme Orangutan Fucking? Mike: CROW! Tom: Rebuke him later, the door's opened. (.69 ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7) [S.o.L.] Mike emerged from the theater, only to find that the bots had once again managed to get there ahead of him. Not only that, thanks to the magic of the Satellite of Love, they were both somehow dressed as the Karate Kid. "Uhm, guys?" Mike questioned. "What gives with the kung-fu getup?" "We're glad you asked that, Mike," Tom replied. "You see, the bizarre judo-sex sequence between Asuka and Shinji has inspired me and Crow to dedicate a song to it. Magic Voice, if you would?" Suddenly, the backbeat of the 80's song "Kung-Fu Fighting" began to play over the loudspeakers. As Mike looked on with bemusement, the bots began to "dance" back and forth as they began their tribute. "Everybody was Kung-Fu fucking ..." "HUH!" Crow chimed in. "That cum was fast as lightning!" "HAH!" "This fic was really damn frightning ..." "HOO!" "'Cuz it sucked with expert timing!" "Hey, hey, hang on a second, you guys," Mike interrupted, the music screeching to a halt behind him. "I think you guys are being a bit too hard on this fic. I mean, sure, it had absolutely no plot whatsoever, but look at it this way ... was there any beastiality?" Crow, thinking of Oscar and Red XIII, shuddered. "Nope." "Necrophilia?" "Urgh ... thanks for the memories of 'Coming of Munihausen', Mike," Tom replied. "It didn't even have any kiddy porn. Need I remind you of 'Chibi-Usa's First Time'?" The 'bots, shivering, shook their heads. "I guess you're right, Mike," Tom replied. "Yeah, yeah," Crow grumbled, as the Mads light began to flash. "Whattaya think, sirs?" Mike asked as he leaned forward and tapped the console. [Deep-13] "Eh, ya got me," the brown-robed Joel Robinson replied. "After that Ratliff fic, I had to go easy on ya this time. But trust me, after this I'll have to start getting rough." Joel smirked evilly, a disturbing gesture on his usually sleepy face. "After all, I've been there, Mike. I know what pushes your buttons while you're up there. And believe me, I'll break you sooner or later. Torgo, push the button." "YeS, mAsTeR," Torgo replied, leaning over and pushing a button. Suddenly, the room went black. "Torgo, that was the light switch," Joel snapped. "Do I have to impale you on the pole again?" "SoRrY, yOuR eNdArKeNeDnEsS," Torgo said, pushing the right button this time. (FWOOSH!) THE ANARKIST'S NOTES: Sorry for the delay, everyone, but I've been way too caught up in useless real-life stuff to get any MiSTings done. But, I've finally began my second season, and am ready to terrorize Mike and the Bots with a whole new series of poorly-written lemons! DEDICATIONS: To my girlfriend, Jenni Lynn; to all my friends, who stay with me throughout the long strange trip of my life; to the God and the Goddess, who blessed me with life and my warped sense of humor; and to all who have read this far into this stupid little MiSTing. :P MSA3K EPISODE GUIDE -------------------- #101-Lady Death: The Summoning #102-Warrior Sisters #103-Warrior Sisters 2: The Flesh Is Weak #104-Pfil's Spider Troubles #105-Decency Patrol #1 #106-Final Fantasy 7: The Quest For Aeris #107-New Powers? #108-Parasite Eve: Mating Call #109-Silly Minako #110-A Different Path (w/ Jamie Jeans & John Hurst) ----- #201-Blatantly Gratuitous OTHER PROJECTS -------------------- Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000(w/ Malissa Thomas) #-101 Religious Spam #-102 Urusei X; The Yatsura Files Part I Group MSTings Sailor Moon VS Tickle-Me Elmo(w/ John Hurst) The Fist KILLS Everyone(w/ Akodo X) >"Fyutski?" >"Yes, sir?" >"Please don't breathe over my shoulder. And stop drooling." >"Yes sir."