90's SUCK!!!!
                            By the Anarkist

There once was a time when everything was cool, and nothing was lame.  An 
aura of funk permeated everything, and one could not help but be cool in 
this golden age of metal and rock.  This time when perfection was achieved 
in mankind, and all dwelt in the funk.  This was the 80's, and it was cool.

But then, from the East, came an abomination.  An entity with five heads 
and one brain cell, and ten boobs none of which were real.  This avatar of 
Evil, known as the Spice Girls, did disrupt the discord of the funk, and 
destroyed all that was cool in the world.  Those that had represented the 
best of the 80's--Mr. T, the Transformers, Lita Ford, so many others--
slowly were sucked into oblivion by the British abomination.  In their 
place grew Hanson, and the Fugees, and Power Rangers.  The unfortunate 
children of this dark era--known only as the 90's--were born without the 
knowledge and the coolness of the funk, and they were hideous, retarded 
mutants.  And as the Spice Girls spread their vile tentacles throughout 
the Earth, more creatures were spawned from the gateway to Hell that had 
created them.  First came Steve Case, who with his deceit and lies, did 
lure the hapless members of the Internet, the last place where the funk 
was everlasting, into his hellish realm that he ruled with an iron fist.  
This land was known only as AOL.  Next, arose a very geeky billionaire, 
who crushed all who would oppose him, and further shredded what little 
funk still existed in the world.  This … creature was called by mortals, 
Bill Gates.

Even those whose coolness was such that they were able to evade the funk-
sucking abominations, were severely weakened by the battle.  Metallica, 
haunted by the irritating lyrics of "Wannabe", were lured into the mushy 
darkness of Lame, and they emerged Alternica.  The Rolling Stones, legends 
in their proper time, were driven to return, aged and crusty, now servants 
of the Anti-Funk.

However, hope is not lost, even in this, the darkest hour of humanity.  One 
of the heads (and two of the boobs) of the abomination, the Spice Girls, has 
been driven off, leaving the Beast weakened.  The Millenium approaches, 
bringing with it the end of the 90's.  There are those who say that at 
January 1, 2000, the world will end.  And so it shall … but only for those 
who served to help the Spice Girls fester and spread their evil throughout 
the Earth (MTV, mostly).  For out of the West shall ride a man, with blonde 
hair and hellish makeup, a guitar of wrath in each hand.  And he shall 
bring with him Twisted Sister, and together they shall banish the Spice 
Girls and all those who serve their dark quest to England, where there shall 
be much weeping and gnashing of microphones.  And the funk shall return, and 
will once again bring joy and coolness to the Earth.  So it is written, so 
it shall come to pass.