WARNING: I wrote this. Isn't that warning enough? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, Tokyo-3 is mostly rebuilt, the cicadas are having an orgy the likes of which have never been seen, and hopefully WILL never be seen. We zoom in on several kids on their merry way to school.] Hikari: (watching the three stooges argue over which ki technique would work the best against the Americans) Hey, Asuka? Asuka: Yes? Hikari: Have you kissed Shinji yet? [Asuka opens her mouth to reply, then shuts it before a feline exits a...crap, I can't find my thesaurus. Before she, uh...okay, you get the idea.] Asuka: Err...yes. Hikari: (sighs) I wonder what it's like... [Hikari stops walking, then glances around. Asuka, who's stopped beside her, suddenly realizes that the stooges have turned the corner and the street is otherwise deserted.] Asuka: (thinking) Wait a minute... Hikari: (turning to face her friend, a dreamy look on her face) Asuka... Asuka: (thinking) Oh shiiit. Where can I run? Where can I run? And who's that with...@%*&!& !*&$*!&$^! *~ *$&^ Jared: (about to preserve the moment for posterity) What are you waiting for? A friend in need... Asuka: (throwing down her book bag and sliding into a stance) For attempting to deflower this girl of her honor, you shall die! [Interrupting Jared's untimely demise, a long shadow is cast over the two.] Hikari: (screams) AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Jared: (evil smirk) Looks like we'll have to pick this up later. -------------------------------------------------- TITLE FLASH: Three Goons in Eva Episode 12 Dull Wit but Sharp Points / Kawaiikune! -------------------------------------------------- [MEANWHILE!] [I'm not going to bother describing Rei swimming in the otherwise unused outdoor pool Genoni got her a pass to some weeks ago. I'm not going to comment on the epic struggle said Goon had to endure to obtain said pass. I'm not going to recap what Rei has done with her free pool time. Most of all, I'm not going to comment on how snugly her swimming suit is forming itself around her supple young body. I'm not going to comment about how nicely her figure has developed over the (what, six years?) time this story has...oh fuck it. She's in a swimming pool, it's a cheesecake shot, cue the porno music, and after about a minute of this fan service, the shadow of the sixteenth Angel is cast over the pool.] [Rei stops swimming and looks towards the new attacker while bobbing in the water.] Rei: well, that's it; time to go to work. [Mega kudos to those who can recognize which fanfic that line comes from.] ---------- Ritsuko: Ki generation inhibitor deactivated! Maya: Pilots synched! Sheigeru: Target in holding pattern! Aoba: And the mall is secure! Misato: (whispering to Ritsuko) He just hasn't been the same since you-know-who got him the Mel Brooks boxed set. (shouting) EVA LAUNCH! [Again, kudos if you can name the movie that line is referencing. It is a Mel Brooks movie, by the way.] ---------- [MEANWHILE! On the surface...] John: (posing in Unit-06') Secret Eva-zord, go! Asuka: (bopping Unit-06' on the head in passing) We already did that joke, baka! Jared: Cut the chatter, zero-two. Everybody get into position. Misato: (over comm.) Okay, I want Shinji to-- Jared: Can it. We've got a plan to try here, and you get second dibs, remember? Misato: (over comm.) Shoot. Okay, you get one shot at this. Jared: (to Andy) Start the countdown! John, use your shadow! [A cardboard cut-out of Unit-05 pops up near the Angel. The invader promptly attacks the target while the real Unit-05, with Rei safely inside, hides behind Unit-04'.] [John takes a deep breath, and something blacker than the color black could ever been seems to slide across the surface of reality itself and reach out to touch the Angel. Distracted, the invader thrashes around for a moment before regaining its bearings. By the time it does, Unit-03 is in position, and the Angel attacks.] Jared: Waddell-Ryu, I Used to Be a Boy Scout Super Knot-Tying technique! [A half-second later, a knot of light is flying towards Toji and Shinji.] Shinji: Here it comes! Toji: I'm ready. [The two Evas catch the Angel handily, and Toji quickly begins spinning in place, holding onto the Angel with his Eva. Then the infection begins.] Toji: AAAAAAHHHH!!! [Unit-01 quickly steps behind the besieged Eva and takes over the spin. The Angel is pulled nearly straight by the centrifugal force. Finally, the stress is too much, and the Angel is ripped from Unit-07 and sent flying directly towards Unit-03. Rather than stand there like an idiot, Jared gets moving and kicks the incoming Angel with something designed to separate heads from bodies. The effect is like a rocket-powered tennis racket on a massive scale.] [Andy, Kensuke, and Asuka have been waiting for this moment. Andy, with the massive Gatling gun that wraps halfway around Unit-04, takes aim. Asuka, holding the particle cannon from past Eva episodes, let's the computers track the rapidly moving target, and pulls the trigger. Lastly, Kensuke is holding a weapon that might look familiar to some Marines. After all, the M82 is a pretty distinctive piece of equipment, even scaled up to Evangelion sizes. And don't get me started on the noise she makes when fired.] [Needless to say, there isn't enough left of the Angel to fill a Chinese take-out box.] [Wordlessly, Unit-05 holds up a large white card with black numerals on it.] ["9.9"] Ritsuko: (over comm.) That didn't get a ten? Jared: (to Andy) Time! Andy: (stops his stopwatch) Four days, three hours, twenty-nine minutes, eighteen seconds. Jared: ...Okay, what's that mean? Andy: That means I bought this stopwatch four days, three hours, twenty-nine minutes, and eighteen seconds. Jared: You're not helping my ego here... John: That's a good thing. ---------- [Ritsuko calmly enters Misato's office.] Ritsuko: Good afternoon, Major. Misato: It's midnight, but good evening anyway, doctor. Something you need? Ritsuko: (fiddles with some paperwork on Misato's desk) Well... [After about three seconds of stalling, Misato grows weary of the charade.] Misato: Spit it out, doctor. I can't have you moping around my desk when I still have this much paperwork to get done. I have beer at my apartment that won't drink itself, you know. Ritsuko: (sighs) It's nothing. I just wanted to make sure you've been okay. The device, being on all the time, I mean. It hasn't...given you too much trouble? Misato: < -_- > No. And the American's haven't leveled Mt. Fuji yet, so I'd say your dirty little secret has been more a blessing than a curse. Ritsuko: That's good. Well, I'll see you around, Major. [Ritsuko leaves the room and leans against the wall outside.] Ritsuko: (thinking) I just can't do it...where would I begin? 'Hey Misato, our boss is trying to destroy humanity and those three nutcases are going to try and stop him and given their track record...we're screwed.' [The doctor shakes her head, gathers herself, and walks down the hallway. At the elevator, she stops and looks back at the remarkably normal door that marks the entryway to Misato's office.] Ritsuko: (thinking) Whatever happens, Misato...I hope we both do the right thing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [There is no next episode preview, because this is the end of the series. Stay tuned for the movies 'End of Goonvangelion!']