NOTE: The following story is tag-team self-insertion fan fiction. Run!
Run away! Your immortal soul is in peril!

DISCLAIMER: Dis be the claimer I be missin'...I mean dissin'...oh screw
it. If I owned Evangelion I would have done horrible things to the
characters and story that no human being should ever witness. That being
said...

WARNING: I have done all of them and described them in intricate detail
of this episode of TGE. I've also sprinkled hints of plot and character
development in as well, in order to bait the very brave or very stupid
into my insidious trap... am I reading my "Bond Villain of the Week"
script again? This sounds horrible!

DANGER: This fanfic is the expanded, revised, polished, tweaked,
adjusted, modified, corrected, perfected, expected, detracted,
emancipated, exaggerated, ex-patriotic... what the hell was I talking
about? Oh yeah, it's long. Really long. Longest chapter thus far. Not by
much, but still the longest. Really long. And endlessly redundant,
excessively, impossibly, exhorbantly--

Audience: GET ON WITH IT!

... Anyway, the big fight scenes STILL occupy pretty much all of the
last 1/4th of the story. All that being said, stuff might be missing
that you'll think you want to see. Trust me, you don't want to see it.

WARNING 2: Okay, okay, you twisted my arm. An "unedited" (in the truest
sense of the word) version of this will probably be thrown up on the
Insanity Productions web page before too long, so y'know, if you're
curious...

WARNING 3: The Danger Returns! Amazingly, G. W. Bush is still president
even though only three people voted for him, and the first two were dead
and one of those three weren't Dick "Look at how hypocritical I can be!"
Cheney. I mean, that requires some kind of warning, doesn't it?

DANGER: Part 2, the End of the Warnings! If I did my job right, this
story will confusing on the first read, but will become increasingly
comprehensible through repeated readings, which I won't charge anybody
for. How's that for putting my money where my mouth is?

THE VENGEANCE OF THE NOTE: Whaddaya mean, you still don't understand
it?!!


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========================================================================


                   [Prologue 1: There Will Be a Test]

[Tuesday a week before the actual beginning of this episode.]

[Asuka leaves female changing room after a routine synch-test. Freshly
showered, her skin fairly glows under her light sun dress. A skip
lightens her step, a skip that dies as she passes the first corner on
her long journey out of the base and runs into one of the Goons.]

Asuka: (frowning) Wo--... Genoni.

John: (smirks slightly) Sohryu. We're accelerating your training. As a
result of the most recent Angel attack, we feel that our... defenses
need to be shored up. I have an assignment for you.

Asuka: (still frowning) Translation: You're feeling like shit and want
to take it out on me.

John: Is Jared here? (speaks quickly to forestall any more
interruptions) I've already delivered the relevant materials to Misato's
place. Your training assignment is to watch the DBZ series up to the
conclusion of the Cell saga and draft me a report on Trunks and his
no-name powers. I want to see particular emphasis on the theoretical
utility of his powers and a large section on the mechanics of adapting
them to defending against every type of Angel known to come up against
NERV. And I want it by... um... (consults his Mini-MAGI; frowns) in... a
week.

Asuka: Are you serious?

John: Yes. Every legend holds a grain of truth, and every story has a
lesson to teach.

Asuka: (sighs, shoulders slump) But this is the worst training I've ever
had...

John: (tempted to tell her the Truth) It's for your own good, Sohryu...
but if you think you can't handle a little cartoon...

Asuka: (shouts) I'll do it!

[John smiles and pats her on the shoulder like an obedient puppy. She
huffs and stalks past him and down the corridor.]


-------------------------------------------------------------------------


                      [Prologue 2: Twists of Fate]

[A week later, now just the day before the episode begins. What? That's
why it's called a Prologue!]

[Dusk falls gently on the outskirts of Tokyo-3, streaks of dark purple
touching the horizon behind the shattered spires of a proud city. A tiny
white marshmallow of a car is parked next to a newly minted lake. The
water's mirror-smooth surface counting the first twinkling stars. Inside
the car sits one Ryoji Kaji, sucking on a cancer stick. He takes a final
pull and snubs it out in the ashtray, then gives a long look to the
nondescript manila envelope sitting forlornly in the passenger seat.
After contemplating it for a moment, he picks it up and opens it. Within
are a number of pictures and a small DAT tape of the type that fits
Shinji's little music player. Three of the pictures are of three people
we know very well. All have been taken from a great distance though all
three of the subjects are giving the camera a "V for victory" sign. The
other pictures are of various stores, streets, and parks known to be
frequented by the subjects.]

[Familiar with the subjects in question, Kaji gives the pictures little
more than a brief glance, but flips the tape in his fingers for a
moment, as if weighing its worth. Finally he makes his decision, and
inserts the tape into the car's DAT deck. Another cigarette is lit while
the tape plays.]

Voice: (computer garbled to make it impossible to determine gender,
accent, or nationality) The three targets identified herein have been
implicated in data theft from the government of Japan. The data in
question would have been vital to on-going information gathering
activities requiring your service. The theft has changed our situation
dramatically. Investigation has revealed that the data has indeed been
brought into NERV, but with largely unpredictable results. Whatever
systems the data has affected have behaved as our simulations predict.
This trend of unpredictable actions on the part of computer systems is a
grave threat to the safety of Japan. Agent X-453, your mission, should
you choose to accept it, is to discover how NERV is using the data in
question, how it has affected their operations, if any kind of recovery
effort is possible, and to eliminate the data source. While NERV appears
to be controlling the data in some fashion, it was last possessed by the
three targets. Start with them. Remember agent, to step softly in the
dragon's lair. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

[Kaji drops the photos back into the envelope and leaves the car. The
small access road it is parked along is utterly deserted. The lake is
calm and placid. Kaji walks away from the car slowly, the cherry of his
cigarette bobbing in the stale night air. Smoke rolls from the car's
windows as the DAT tape takes it, the pictures, and anything not metal
up into the atmosphere. Then the car explodes spectacularly, hurled more
than fifty feet into the air and flipping and spinning every which way.
Kaji eats dirt, rolls into the side of some rubble, and freezes as a
piece of it snaps off next to his face, followed by the unmistakable
'ping' of a ricochet.]

Kaji: Shit.

[Ditching the cigarette, Kaji dashes into the ruins next to the lake as
total darkness takes hold.]

[Fade out.]


========================================================================
========================================================================


[Opening song: "Everything you Know is Wrong" by "Weird Al" Yankovic.]

[Fade in Jared driving a Mini Cooper down one of Tokyo-3's
superhighways. He sings along with the song, not paying attention to the
road at all, merrily bobbing his head along to the beat of the catchy
tune.]

James: (singing) I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane with a
rabid wolverine in my underwear, when suddenly a guy behind me in the
back seat popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes!

[On cue, a dozen people sudden pop into view. Never mind there's nowhere
for them to hide or even room for them in the car, period. They're
there. John holds his hands over Jared's eyes, and everyone starts
singing along with Jared.]

All: (singing) I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie? Is it Bob
or Joe or Walter? Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?" I
probably would have kept on guessing but about that time we crashed into
the truck!

[John pulls his hands off Jared's eyes long enough for the driving goon
to do a double-take, then they slam into a big rig with a radiation
symbol on the back.]

[A cross-shaped explosion tears into the Tokyo-3 skyline. The people
from car began floating down leisurely, playing harps and wearing
plastic wings duct-taped to their clothes.]

Jared: (singing) And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt finally
I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer, who takes off his prosthetic
lips and tells me--

[The people have all landed on the freeway--well, a big crater where the
aforementioned freeway used to be. Misato, Ritsuko, and the bridge
bunnies are there. They begin snapping their fingers to the beat of the
song before Jared even lands, and everyone quickly breaks into an
elegant choreographed dance as they all sing the chorus.]

All: (singing AND dancing!) Everything you know is wrong. Black is
white, up is down and short is long. And everything you thought was just
so important doesn't matter... Everything you know is wrong. Just forget
the words and sing along. All you need to understand is everything you
know is wrong!

[We cut instantly to a singing Andy getting out of the shower.
Towel-clad, he walks directly into the kitchen (even though the floor
plan of the Goon's apartment makes this impossible...).]

Andy: (singing) I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams,
when I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension and soon I was
abducted by some aliens from space who kinda looked like Jamie Farr.

[As Andy whips open the cupboards in search of breakfast goods, molemen
pop out everything. Pen^2 appears in the apartment's doorway. Soon Andy
is laying on the counter and Pen^2 and the molemen are armed with
various weapons straight out of the Doom video games. Andy merrily sings
along with the creatures.]

All: (singing) They sucked out my internal organs, and they took some
Polaroids, and said I was a darn good sport. And as a way of saying
thank you they offered to transport me back to any point in history that
I would care to go.

[Andy looks around, puts two fingers to his forehead, and suddenly he's
dressed in a cheesy Superman-ish costume with the letters SCJ across the
chest. Flying high over Tokyo-3 like the man of steel, he belts out a
few more lines.]

Andy: (singing) And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night so
I could pay my phone bill on time. Just then the floating disembodied
head of Colonel Sanders started yelling--

[Andy lands on the balcony of the Goon's apartment. Toji and Kensuke are
within, and take a break from playing video games to join in the
chorus.]

All: (singing) Everything you know is wrong. Black is white, up is down
and short is long, and everything you thought was just so important
doesn't matter... Everything you know is wrong! Just forget the words
and sing along! All you need to understand is everything you know is
wrong!

[Toji whips out a mouth harp as Kensuke appears with some pots and pans
from the kitchen. Andy is wielding an accordion. The three play through
the instrumental section of the song, then Andy dances to the John Woo
bust near the book shelf and tips it forward. With a 'whoosh' he
disappears down the revealed Goon Pole.]

[The camera pans back to the now-pristine kitchen. John is making notes
on a pile of papers a foot high.]

John: (singing) I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin when I
got a nasty paper cut--

[A negative-color version of John slices off John's head. The
Super-Kagaijin John picks up the verse perfectly.]

SKJ-John: (singing) --and, well, to make a long story short, it got
infected and I died!

[A ghostly John wearing Jedi robes rises up behind SKJ-John and
decapitates him with a red-bladed light sabre. Before SKJ-John's head is
clear of his neck, the two are both sitting at a table with a third
person dressed in white robes who bears more than a passing resemblance
to Ryouji Kaji.]

SKJ-John & John: (in perfect harmony) So now I'm up in heaven with St.
Peter by the pearly gates, and it's obvious he doesn't like the Nehru
jacket that I'm wearing. He tells me that they've got a dress code--

[John and SKJ-John look at the massive list of rules the saintly
Kaji-clone holds up and attack him with their glowing blades. A scene
flash and we see John tied up in a straight jacket, singing to himself
in a padded room.]

John: Well, he lets me into heaven anyway, but I get the room next to
the noisy ice machine for all eternity, and every day he runs by
screaming--

[Outside of the padded room stand the saintly Kaji-clone and Rei with
angel wings. They pick up the chorus when John starts banging his head
against the wall and orderlies Waddell and Mucha dash into the room to
save the patient from himself.]

[Yes, we're that fucked up.]

All: (singing) Everything you know is wrong. Black is white, up is down
and short is long, and everything you thought was just so important
doesn't matter...

[John breaks for the door, Jared and Andy and the two biblical figures
follow. Outside stands... the entire fucking cast of the friggin' story,
including bit and flashback characters. Every breaks into a massive
dancing sequence with ki blasts and fireworks and a large gymnastics
routine.]

All: (singing and dancing and what-have-you) Everything you know is
wrong! Just forget the words and sing along! All you need to understand
is everything you know is wrong! Everything you know is wrong!

[Everyone freezes at the last word, holding their finishing poses. And
holding it. And holding it. And stiiill holding it. Finally John pulls
off the straight jacket. Everyone else shrugs, drops out of their poses,
and march out of the scene like walking corpses sent back to the
grindstone of industry.]


========================================================================
========================================================================


           --------------------------------------------------

                              TITLE FLASH:

                           Three Goons in Eva
                               Episode 9

                           What Plot hole? /
                        It came with the _____

           --------------------------------------------------


[An ugly Wednesday afternoon. We open on Ritsuko's office. Everything
seems back to normal. Various pictures on the walls, massive piles of
paperwork everywhere, computer and light sabre on the desk... with
Ritsuko working at one--and when a curious buzzing and snapping sound
comes through the ceiling vent--eying the other longingly.]

Andy: (voice from vent) Daughter of-- (unintelligible cursing)

[A moment of silence follows, during which the doctor breathes a sigh of
relief. Then her door is blown violently off its hinges and sent flying
straight at her desk. Without thinking, she snatches the light sabre
from it's resting place on top of a pile of PR reports, and uses it to
cut the flying object in twain. Each half of the metal door flies past
her, one piece to her right side and the other to her left. Both crash
into the piles of paperwork covering every available surface, and in a
split-second, the only thing that can be seen in the office is white
papers.]

Ritsuko: (hidden by the flying reports) GOD DAMN IT! DOESN'T ANYBODY
KNOCK AROUND HERE ANYMORE?!!

[Andy floats up to, but not through, the now gaping entrance to
Ritsuko's lair.]

Andy: (booming voice) Bitch! What is wrong with--

[Andy dodges a four-inch-thick report binder, flung at him by Ritsuko.
He's about to retort when the crushing ceiling kicks in, forcing him to
float into Ritsuko's office. There he slaps the guillotine out of the
way, blocks the spread of rockets with his arm, snatches the volley of
paper missiles out of the air, and knocks the pink bunny slippers aside
disdainfully.]

[He then pauses to stare blankly at the slippers which had attacked him
so viciously. As a result, he misses the steel kitchen sink that swings
down from the ceiling in front of him, tied to a thin rope. The sink
catches the unprepared Goon squarely on the chin. By the time he gets
back up (and finishes smashing the sink into a nearby wall with a solid
right hook), the papers in Ritsuko's office have stopped flying all over
the place, and have settled on her desk and floor like fresh snow.]

Andy: (idle commentator mode) Who made this mess?

Ritsuko: (holding her light sabre threateningly) Before I skin you alive
and baste your twitching body in salt, tell me what you came here for.

Andy: (blinks) What? (points accusingly) Where is my gravity training
chamber?!

Ritsuko: (confused) What? (angry) Get out of here!

[Andy opens his mouth, his dark eyes promising a verbal lashing with the
ferocity to match any storm, but the doctor doesn't allow him to even
form words. Not that he would have anyway. With a subtle hand motion,
she Forces her desk off the ground an inch, then sends it rocketing at
Andy. The Goon dodges, barely, while Ritsuko catches the computer that
had been sitting on the desk. Behind Andy, the desk zooms down the hall
leading to Ritsuko's office (occasionally known as the Path of Doom) at
Mach 1.6, leaving a trail of flying paper. Andy turns around to watch
the desk just as the author has Hyuga walk into view at the distant
junction. The bridge tech is absorbed in scanning a report on his palm
computer. He never even sees the desk coming at him.]

[WHAM!]

Andy: (low whistle) Ouch. Boy am I glad I'm not on your bad side.
(slight pause while Ritsuko tries to incinerate him with a glare) So,
where's that gravity training room?

Ritsuko: (takes a deep breath) I have no idea what you're talking about.

Andy: You didn't read Jared's proposal?

[Ritsuko pointedly looks at the mess of her office. Andy glares back
impatiently.]

Andy: (out loud, but in a tone that clearly indicates it should be an
internal monologue) Why is Ritsuko is looking at the floor? As if
staring at a pile of papers is going to magically cause Jared's proposal
to appear. (pause) Jeez, the blasted thing could be _buried_ under this
mess! Damn woman! Too lazy to keep order in her own office? No wonder
NERV's going down hill. Gendo probably isn't much better, bastard. What
a slob. No, that isn't right. Gendo's office was always sparkling clean
in the anime. Damn women anyway. First messes in their purses, then
their offices... (screaming at the ceiling) Where will it all end?!

[The Goon finally notices that Ritsuko is staring at him.]

Andy: What?

Ritsuko: (strained patience) Where will I find it?

Andy: How the hell should I know, wench?! You made this mess, you pick
it up!

Ritsuko: I didn't make this mess! You're the one who kicked my door in!

Andy: (looks at the door's smoking remains embedded in the wall behind
Ritsuko) You cut it in half? Why didn't you catch it?!

[Ritsuko's mouth works noiselessly for several seconds.]

Ritsuko: (furious) Why you arrogant little scumbag! Get out of here!
You'll never have a gravity room, you hear me?! (stamping her foot)
NEVER! (points at Andy) I curse you, American! I curse you to the pits
of Hell! (Scottish accent) YOU AND ALL 'ER KIND!!!

Andy: (nonplussed) Yeah, whatever.

["Thinking" quickly, he Instant Transmissions away before he's the
Weekly Special at the local sushi bar.]

----------

[Three Goons' apartment, at four in the afternoon. As the Goons are "off
work" from about noon onward, they've had some time to unwind. Jared
plays an RPG on one of the many game systems present, rocking in his
seat with each telling, turn-based blow against his digital foes. John
comes out of the laboratory's entrance, the massive bookcase swinging
shut behind him silently. Andy... bursts into the apartment arrogantly,
barely giving the door time to open before hauling his 6'-6" frame
inside with a primal roar.]

Andy: (roaring) CURSE THAT INFERNAL DOCTOR!

Jared: (eyes glued to the T.V.) What is it this time, dude?

Andy: SHE MOVED HER MOUTH AND MADE NOISES!

[John ignores the opportunity to snipe Andy with a verbal blow to send
his noisy roommate's brain reeling.]

[Jared doesn't.]

Jared: < ^_^ > Do you mean she gave you a blowjob, or did she try to
talk to you?

[John quietly stalks to the kitchen for a glass of water.]

Andy: IT WAS THAT... THAT... (clearly frightened of the word) _talking_
thing! What's the matter with her?! (Jared's actual words finally
register) EEW! What's the matter with you?!!

Jared: (concentrating intently on his game) Could you keep it down?

John: (sitting on the couch with a full glass) A master should not even
acknowledge distractions. Distraction leads to--

Andy: (attacking) Die, Waddell!

[The couch is flipped onto its back, then righted again. A wet John
Genoni scowls slightly. The couch is flipped back and upright again,
then a third time before John has a chance to give the other Goons a
verbal warning. A curse rising to the back of his throat, he jumps away
from the couch, and turns to see Andy and Jared bouncing off the walls
while engaging in mortal combat throughout the living room. The glass in
his hand develops the smallest of cracks.]

John: (calmly) Guys? (polite pause) GUYS!

Jared: (throwing Andy into a wall) HA!

Andy: (throwing Jared through the balcony door) HA-HA!

Jared: (dashing in and knocking out Andy with a Mighty Blow from a
frozen trout) FISH!

John: Damn it, we had important things to talk about. (sighs) Oh well.

[John quickly plops himself down on the couch, and picks up Jared's
controller.]

Jared: (pleading on his hands and knees) Dude...

John: Five second rule.

Jared: Mother fucker!

John: You're still here? You have shopping duty today, remember?

Jared: (leaves) Right.

[After a few minutes of quiet, Andy regains "consciousness."]

Andy: I LIVE! (punching at the air) DIE, you horrible maggot spawn!

John: < o_o; > That's new.

Andy: (looks around) Where's that Spawn of Perversion?

John: (off-hand) I'm writing that one down. (to Andy) Doing his shopping
duty like a good little boy. What's your beef?

Andy: (posing) You couldn't understand a Saiyajin's pride!

John: You aren't a Saiyajin, Andy.

Andy: He insults me. Our grand duel--

John: This is about who's the strongest again? Dude, you two have been
after each other for years, waiting a few more minutes won't kill you.

Andy: But I must defeat him!

John: (lights on) I see... you and Jared planed to have Ritsuko build
that gravity room, and you were going to sneak in and train so you could
beat Jared in straight combat. (blinks) That's too clever for you to
come up with by yourself.

Andy: (now ignoring John) --like I said, but she wouldn't build the damn
thing! When will my time come?!

John: Dude, you two should just duke it out. Like, tomorrow would work
good. But don't try this shit during an Angel attack or something. I'm
not going to be nice if you two run off and have a Big Dramatic Battle,
leaving me to fight for my Life and Freedom. Besides, you two need to
plan for the Angel!

Andy: (leaving via the balcony) Angel? Hah! I have half a mind to throw
that pervert _into_ the twelfth!

John: < o_0 > But we're supposed to kill it, not give it indigestion...

----------

[Next door, Asuka and Shinji are doing homework in shorts and T-shirts.
Asuka lounges on the floor, flipping through a math book with a glazed
look which clearly indicates that she doesn't care what is printed on
the pages. Shinji is diligently doing his Japanese literature homework,
but has one eye practically pinned on Asuka's delicious rear end, which
twitches enticingly as she idly kicks her feet through the air.]

Asuka: (sighs) When did Misato say she'd be home?

Shinji: Eleven, I think.

[Asuka sighs again, leaving the impression that she's more distracted
than bored. Indeed, when she speaks, it is with the air of someone who
has been waiting for a long time to say something important.]

Asuka: Do you ever wonder what we're protecting?

Shinji: (without looking up) Our exam scores.

[If it weren't for a couple of rude, big-assed stones dropped into a
small, much-abused river, Asuka would take this statement at face value
and start yelling. However...]

Asuka: (rolling her eyes) Ha ha. I meant in Terminal Dogma, smarty
pants.

Shinji: (puts down his homework) What do you mean? I thought Terminal
Dogma _was_ what we were guarding.

Asuka: (affectionately) Dummkopf. Terminal Dogma is a _set_ of _doors_.
There's something inside that we aren't supposed to see.

Shinji: So... what are we guarding?

Asuka: That's what I'm asking. Misato just keeps saying it's something
like an Angel--that they'll merge with it and that's Third Impact.

Shinji: So all we have to do is keep the Angels from touching... what's
in there?

Asuka: (deep in thought) ...

Shinji: Hey, where'd Pen Pen go?

Asuka: I just saw him in the bathroom, why?

Shinji: I hope he's done with his dinner. That fish is ripe!

Asuka: (queenly) Then away with it!

Shinji: Hai, hai...

[The boy does so. While he toils in the kitchen, Asuka rolls onto her
side and starts doing leg lifts. Shinji comes back smelling strongly of
fish, and before he sits in front of his homework, his eyes ravish the
girl's body (now even more lithe and toned thanks to the training
wrought upon her by the Americans), cherishing it's every detail,
burning them into memory. Asuka checks his eyes and hides a secret
smile. As the boy sits, she resumes their conversation.]

Asuka: Do you think this will end?

[Shinji closes his school computer and rubs his eyes in surrender.]

Shinji: I don't know. The Americans talk about the Angels like they know
when this will end... and how it will end... and how they want it to
end.

Asuka: (thoughtful) Rei acts like the Angels and their attacks are just
a part of some bigger plot.

[Shinji glances at Asuka's rear end again.]

Shinji: (idly) Everything?

Asuka: (attempting to shrug helplessly) There's more to a war than
battles, Shinji. I've studied military history and technology in
Germany. (in response to Shinji's raised eyebrow) Applied history.
University, remember? Anyway, it's a little strange that in less than
four years, an entirely new kind of weapon was developed to fight a
totally alien life form. The Evangelions shouldn't even be possible to
_build_ with our current technology. They're an anomaly in the
development of military technology. Yet here we are, fighting with them
anyway.

Shinji: I don't understand...

Asuka: (flips onto the other side and begins a low-key Lecture Mode) It
takes years to design, test, and produce something as simple as a gun.
That's a tested and proven design, not a whole new weapon. And that's
just for private industry! We're talking about a government project
here, after Second Impact...

Shinji: Wait, I thought different countries built a lot of planes in
World War II. That lasted only a few years.

Asuka: But the Americans said the first Evas were built ten years ago.

Shinji: Then doesn't it make sense that we're just starting to use them
now?

[Asuka opens her mouth to respond, when she remembers John's words.]

John: (remembered voice) They were there first.

Asuka: ... It keeps bugging me.

Shinji: What?

Asuka: There's a reason the Evas are built the way they are.

Shinji: Which is...

Asuka: I don't know. (thinks) I wonder if he knows... the other test
pilot for Unit-01 was...

Shinji: You're worried because there's too much you don't know?

Asuka: You're damn right I'm worried.

Shinji: (with wisdom beyond his years) What it comes down to is the
Americans either know how to save us and won't tell us what to do, or
they think we--including them--are all doomed. They _are_ preparing to
fight a war. Do you think a tank could even slow Andy down?

[Asuka finally ceases her exercises, stands, and stretches. While she
hauls her hands high in the air and arches her back, Shinji gets a prime
viewing of her secondary sexual characteristics, "hidden" as they are by
her thin T-shirt, and finds himself approving.]

Asuka: (sighing) But who knows if they have the answers.

Shinji: Yeah, who knows?

[Asuka muses this over for a minute, then power poses.]

Asuka: Okay, let's get through this homework!

----------

[About an hour later, back in the dreaded Apartment 723...]

Andy: (coming through the closed, armored windows) Fucking hamsters!
Fucking hamsters!

[Andy continues grumbling all the way to the kitchen, where he passes a
familiar sea bird.]


Andy: (to the bird) What?

Pen Pen: Wark!

Andy: Preparing to best Waddell, of course! ... Not that I _need_
preparation, being the greatest fighter on the planet-- (notices the
look Pen Pen is giving him) What?

Pen Pen: WAAAARRRKKKK!!!

[Pen Pen all but levitates some six feet off the ground and lands a kick
to Andy's face. The Goon is thrown back from the force of the blow, and
lands on the stove.]

Andy: DAMN YOU, FOUL... water fowl. How dare you! Have at thee!

[Andy draws himself up to attack what should be an easy-to-dispatch
target. He launches himself at the sea bird, but just before he reaches
his target, Pen Pen's eyes flash.]

Author-Jared: This beat-down is so horrific, I'm not even going to
describe it in detail. Thank you for your time.

[Five UGLY seconds later, Pen Pen stands untouched in the middle of the
kitchen.]

Pen^2: WAAAARRRRRKKKKKKKK!!!

[Andy lies on the floor, a twisted knot of black and blue flesh, beaten
unconscious worse than Jared has yet managed.]

Andy: ...

Narrator: FLAWLESS. VICTORY.

[Fade to black. Send in the lawyers.]

----------

[Much later, in the dark hours of the night, Andy lays awake in bed,
serenaded by the brain-pulverizing racket of fifty million mating
cicadas.]

Andy: Fucking bugs... Fucking penguin... I must DESTROY them ALL to
ensure... MY ASCENSION TO THE THRONE OF ALL CREATION!!!
BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[The sound of horny male cicadas pleading their case to stingy female
cicadas continues unabated.]

Andy: (to the bugs) SHUT! UP!

----------

[Thursday morning, the Goons arrive at their office minus one. Slowly,
work begins. Almost immediately, Misato comes through door in working
clothes (cold shower alert!). Andy floats a few inches above his desk in
a half- lotus position while John browses some paperwork from his
chair.]

Misato: (thinking) I honestly expected to find only John here. < ^_^ >
Lucky!

John: < -_- > Can I help you?

Andy: (without looking at the Major) Can _we_ help you?

Misato: I wanted to tell all three of you this at once. There's been a
change to the pilot's manual. Ritsuko's decided to add another rule.

[Andy groans loudly. John feigns interest, setting aside his writing
implement.]

John: (prompting) Well?

Misato: The fine print is in your Mini-MAGI, but basically, no flying
unless there's an emergency.

John: (puzzled) ... That's it? Don't fly unless there's an emergency?

Andy: (bellowing) HAH! They'll have to catch us to punish us!

John: (rubbing his forehead and sighing) And he promised he'd behave.

Andy: (standing on his desk) I fear no airspace restrictions!

John: Sit down. Sit in the air, on your desk, I don't care, but please
sit down. (pause) And that's my line!

Andy: But she started it!

John: Andy, you hardly fly anywhere. (glances at his Mini-MAGI) Hovering
appears to be okay, but no flying. So what's your problem?

Misato: (interrupting) Could you just let Jared know? I really don't--

Andy: (aura exploding) I hunger for BATTLE!

[John snarls at Andy and tries in vain to hold down the paperwork on his
desk.]

John: (overly-polite to Misato) Please don't say that name.

Misato: (smirking at John but speaking to Andy) What name? (ignoring
John's glare) Jared?

Andy: He MUST FALL! AND LO, I BEAT THE DRUMS OF WAR!!!

[Another aura pulse. The paperwork, and this time writing equipment,
paperweights, etc. all go flying. John makes as if to get up while
Misato pulls down one eyelid and sticks her tongue out at John before
darting out of the door.]

[After knocking out Andy with his shoe, John Instant Transmissions to
the end of the hallway, materializing just a few feet in front of
Misato. The Major lets out a shriek and pulls to a halt with her hand
resting on her delicious bosom.]

Misato: You--you scared me!

John: (calm) That wasn't very nice.

Misato: I was just delivering a message. (worried look) You aren't
angry, are you?

John: (deflates a bit) Look, Andy just realized that there's nothing he
can do about the 12th Angel, so he's decided to "finish off" Jared.

Misato: You guys are always--

John: Misato, I don't want to be the one left explaining why 80% of
Tokyo-3 has been leveled. Jared and Andy have had their little spats
frequently enough, that's true, but this is about who's top dog. Who's
the best. I won't fight either of them all-out and so naturally they
consider themselves number one. You can't have two ones, (poses;
lightning flashes in the hallway) there can be only one! Or so Andy
says. Anyway, that means that sooner or later, the two of them are going
to go all-out and the resulting mess is not going to be pretty. Jared's
in Sub-Garage 22. He's working on something... there. You go talk to
him, I'll take care of Andy.

Misato: < o_o; > Ah. Well, good-bye then.

John: Good-bye, Major.

[John turns away and begins mumbling something about the cost of
shovels, how clean the trunk of his rental has to be to get back his
deposit, and 'a deserted road in the middle of the night.']

----------

[Sub-Garage 22. We pan to Jared, with a plain concrete wall in the
background, polishing something. Misato comes in behind him and
immediately begins to drool.]

Jared: (faces the major) Yes?

[But Misato is unable to form words just yet. We pan around to see
Jared's Chevelle, or rather, something that looks like it, only a lot
prettier. The paint job is the same fire engine red as before, but it
seems to sparkle, shimmer, and shine as if the car is made of satin
rather than metal. The chrome rims gleam almost menacingly, and a model
of Unit-03 made from AV7 is the new hood ornament.]

Jared: You like?

Misato: (wiping away the drool but still staring at the car) Wow.

Jared: That's what I thought.

Misato: What did you do to this beautiful car?

Jared: (Action Movie Hero Voice) What I had to.

Misato: I thought it was--

Jared: Wrecked. Totaled. Destroyed beyond hope of repair. Yes. This is a
reproduction. Flawless in every detail... except for a few minor
modernizations.

Misato: Like making it look ten times better?

Jared: Well, that's the AV7... just in case. And of course I upped the
horsepower a little bit.

Misato: (eyes the work of art lovingly) ... Before I burst your bubble,
can you tell me how much?

Jared: (shrugs and goes back to polishing his hood ornament) Its power
output is a little more than doubled.

[Misato stares at the car for a minute.]

Misato: (thinking) I wanna drive it! Business first, Misato! Business
first! (out loud) Ritsuko has restricted flying to emergency situations.

Jared: Okay.

Misato: Okay?

Jared: Yeah. There's no real need to fly anywhere with these wheels.
Plus, we have the Instant Transmission.

Misato: (distracted) Yeah, that thing... (looks imploringly at Jared)
Can I ride in it? Drive it? Please?

Jared: (sighs) Well, I have to break it in sooner or later. I'll pick
you up at eight. It's a date!

Misato: It's not a--

[But she's talking to the car, as Jared has IT'd to places unknown.]

Misato: (snaps her fingers) Damn. I was going to bug him about Andy.

----------

[Back in the Goon's office, John has kicked out Andy's corpse and just
finished straightening out the things on desk when Jared appears out of
thin air to the sound of splintering wood.]

Jared: Ouch!

John: (forced calm) Get. Off. My. Desk.

Jared: (trying to inspect his derriere where he sat on a cup of
sharpened pencils) Sorry, I was aiming for my chair.

[Jared jumps into his own chair, narrowly avoiding a messy collision
with the room's ceiling... fan? When did we get a ceiling fan? Anyway,
the momentum of his landing causes the chair to spin around a few
times.]

Jared: (spinning) Wheeeeee! Hey John, my car's finished!

John: < o_0 > Finished? I thought its remains were at the bottom of
Tokyo Bay.

Jared: < ^_^ > Well, I had to build a replacement. It's pretty sweet.

John: That's what you've been doing when you were supposed to be
working... Does it run?

Jared: Don't be silly. < *_* > Man, this is gonna be sooo sweet!

John: < o_o; > Riiight.

[Jared's chair finally stops spinning. He leans _waaay_ back it in,
fingers laced together behind his head.

Jared: Gonna give her the inaugural test drive soon. I doubled the
horsepower, so I'm expecting the first test drive to be... fun. I figure
it's worth around 300 miles per hour now.

[The chair creaks ominously.]

John: (rubbing his forehead in vain hope of easing the coming headache)
Can't wait. So, how much did this indulgence cost NERV?

Jared: NERV? Nothing at all. I had a... private stash set up for this.
You know, insurance after that freeway incident. I should book a
restaurant. Order some fine champagne. Celebrate!

John: (before Jared breaks into song) Assuming it lasts to the parking
lot--

Jared: Look, I've a plan--

[The chair creaks some more.]

John: (Indiana Jones mode) That's what scares me.

Jared: (glare from his reclined position) All will be well.

[At these words, John considers the likely result. A shot of Tokyo-3 in
flames is shown to illustrate his mental image. John puts his head in
his hands.]

John: I'll alert the authorities.

[With an indignant snapping sound, the chair gives way, dumping Jared on
the floor. John reaches for more paperwork.]

Jared: (still on the floor) The Unfamiliar Ceiling is Shinji's bit.
(thoughtful) Hrm... we've got Suzuhara as a pilot, and the second branch
is still intact... I'm going to have the most fun I can have with my
clothes on... Hey John, let's hire Hikari as a pilot.

John: (manically cheery) Great. Grand. Wonderful. After that, let's go
pound some nails through our dicks!

Jared: Oh c'mon! It won't be that bad!

John: Another total newb we'll have to train from scratch? No thank you.
Motion denied.

Jared: But--

John: Suzuhara is still well below par, and the audience will get bored
if we do the stupid Pilot Training bit for a third time! Motion denied.

Jared: What--what--wha... (indignant) Who died and made you king?

John: (idly shuffling paperwork) Ikari. Although, he's technically on
vacation.

Jared: But not dead?

John: No, sadly. I'm not really in charge either, I'm just offering you
a choice.

Jared: Compliance or death, eh?

John: (darkly) If it comes to that.

Jared: Very well.

[Jared springs from the floor, executes a triple forward somersault,
rebounds off the floor, then moves into a 360 transition layout before
landing on his feet. All seems well for a split-second, but then his
extra momentum kicks in and he stumbles face-first into the couch.]

Jared: (muffled by couch cushions) Almost there... hey, fifty yen!

[He heads for the door, pocketing the pilfered coin, and is through it
before John can say another word. The Besieged One turns back to his
paperwork as we hear Jared tripping over Andy, who wakes up and screams
something about a "great injustice" and someone's "huevos." His speech
is interrupted by the sounds of fists hitting flesh, followed by the
unmistakable sound of something large and heavy slamming into the door.]

[John sighs.]

----------

[A short while later, in the comparatively boring command center, a.k.a.
Central Dogma.]

Shiegeru: Um... Major?

Misato: (halfway through the repair summary for Unit-03... volume 8 of
26) Yes?

Shiegeru: I'm getting some weird readings here. Energy surges. Some
damage alerts from various sensors in the facility...

Misato: Which means either Tanaka from section 03 is golfing in the
corridors or the Americans are playing their "games" again. (looks at
the many piles that make up the repair summary) I'll go check it out.

Ritsuko: (via Mini-MAGI) Major, could you please round up Pilots Genoni,
Mucha, and Waddell. I need to have a word with them and none of them are
responding to my summons.

Misato: (into her Mini-MAGI) You mean they're ignoring the electric-
shock treatment?

[One can _hear_ Ritsuko frown over the Mini-MAGI's voice-only
communications link.]

Misato: And since when did I become their keeper?

Ritsuko: (through Mini-MAGI) Since I got tired of dealing with them.

Misato: (clicks off the Mini-MAGI; to Shiegeru) Well, where are those
sensors being destroyed?

----------

[A few levels up...]

[By the time Misato reaches the source of the disturbance, John is
already there, watching the goings-on. Ritsuko, for reasons unknown, has
opted to join him, though she stands some distance away and ignores him
for all she's worth. She gives a nod at Misato's arrival, though. Asuka
and Rei watch from well behind John. In front of them, a battle rages
between the two remaining Goons. They pass the far corner of the
corridor as Misato walks up behind the girls. Around the corner, the
sounds of combat continue. The thudding of fist on flesh, the sharp
clank of edged weaponry, the scuffing and squeaking of shoes against the
walls, floors, ceilings and everywhere else, along with the usual score
of curses and grunts, all echoes to the group.]

John: (to Ritsuko) Don't worry, they'll be okay if we don't interfere.

Ritsuko: < o_0 > I understand that, but will NERV be okay?

John: (giving his best "it's not my problem" shrug) Asuka?

[Asuka, the newest and most devoted DBZ fanatic on base, almost GLOWS
with the opportunity to demonstrate her superior knowledge of the
series.]

Asuka: Rule 12, John. Andy has a habit of recklessly destroying things,
attacking innocent people, and generally making a nuisance of himself.
Plus he's loud. Jared is not only a monster pervert, but also a highly
skill martial artist, the not-at-all-innocent fighter, the defender of
the unwary populace. (snorts) Yet both have the capacity to be
protagonists, and have survived combat together. Now they must have a
series of long drawn-out battles were Jared will eventually be forced to
pound Andy to within an inch of his life. Then they can be allies
against a great evil.

[Sounds of more mortal combat come from around that dreaded corner as
the two elder officers stare in shock.]

Ritsuko & Misato: (echoing each other) Rule 12 of what?

John & Asuka: (echoing each other) Dragon Ball Z, what else?

John: (stage whisper) But Andy could also be wanting to train himself up
a few levels since he doesn't have a gravity room on hand.

[Stares all around. As if on cue, the warring parties can be heard
loudly from the next corridor over, maybe thirty feet away in a straight
line.]

Andy: (heard loudly despite the walls) THIS INSTALLATION IS HISTORY!
GALLAT GUN FIRE!!!

Jared: (equally loud, but more desperate) KAMEHAMEHA!!!

[A massive explosion shakes the facility slightly. Nearby walls rattle
in fear.]

John: (smiling slightly) This brings back memories.

[Misato and Ritsuko face fault as Asuka raises her eyebrows. Rei looks
at John as if waiting for a grandpa to tell a story of the 'before
times,' though Rei cares not for before times and probably has no idea
what a grandpa is.]

Ritsuko: (turns to leave, but speaks to John before ducking out of the
door) That's coming out of your paycheck!

----------

[Cut to Jared and Andy. They're beaten, but not as much as their
surroundings. Both are breathing like they sprinted from the apartment
to NERV. Their clothes are torn, hair in disarray, and more than a small
amount of blood and some bodily injuries mark them. They glare at one
another, faces grim and eyes wary.]

Andy: (panting) You'll... be sorry.

Jared: (out of breath as well) I don't think so.

[They attack at the same time, a blur of limbs and hardened muscles.
Fists clash like bricks in a tornado, seeking flesh to harm, as they
both duck and weave with impossible speed to evade lethal injury. After
five short seconds of engagement, Jared flips backward out of range of a
powerful kick, then pushes off the floor with his hands to give himself
some breathing room.]

Andy: Get back here!

[Andy touches the floor with one foot and makes a practically horizontal
jump at Jared while his target lands lightly on his feet. Andy puts both
fists out like Superman and looks like he'll make a sandwich with Jared
between ten knuckles and the wall. Jared just smirks, and Andy's eyes
widen.]

Jared: DRAGON DEMON-GOD UPPERCUT!!!

[Ki sheaths Jared's body as the goon launches himself in a corkscrew
motion, beginning with his hips, which causes his body to turn like a
hurricane, quickly gathering immense force. Andy tries something to
dodge, counter, ANYTHING, when he's clocked on the jaw full-force, Jared
putting every ounce of his strength plus his own body weight behind the
blow. The force of the attack comes out at such an angle that Andy is
flipped one hundred and eighty degrees before the ki gathered in the
initial attack detonates like nitroglycerin in a car wreck.]

[John comes running around the corner a second later, shouting
obscenities. The sounds of other approaching footsteps can be heard
right behind him, with Asuka and Rei literally on his heels. The trio
pauses at the shattered remains of the doorway, Rei's head peaking out
from under John's arm. They takes in the sight slowly.]

[Ceiling panel lights smashed into silicon dust, armored metal decking
peeled up like warped plywood. Even bits of unidentifiable matter still
smolder in the corners. The remains of a vending machine can be seen at
the far end of the hall, its guts spilled onto the floor for display in
monochromatic vision--stripped of color by the heat of a recent ki
blast.]

[A moment passes. Except for the sounds of heavy breathing, no one makes
a noise.]

John: What do you two think you were doing?!

Jared: (peeling himself off of the smoking floor) Working out... some
minor... (gasp) differences.

John: No, I mean, these techniques need to be taken outside, man!
(blinks) Where's Andy?

[Jared just points up as he limps out of the shot, holding one arm to
his side and dripping sweat and blood over the broken and scorched
floor.]

[Pan up to see what John is rubber-necking at... Andy, embedded in the
ceiling from the force of Jared's strike. He hangs up-side down,
unconscious, but not dead, not by a long shot...]

[As he's still smirking.]

[John stands there for a minute, also smirking. Then he rushes out of
frame and brains Jared with a crowbar. No sooner does he hide his weapon
of choice than Misato makes the doorway and stalks up to him.]

Misato: Don't try to loose me like that again.

John: Asuka and Rei could keep up.

[Misato growls.]

John: (to himself) No structural damage. I guess NERV will see another
day. (looks at Misato) Yes?

Misato: How long are they going to keep this up?

John: Until the end of time.

Misato: (looks around at the wreckage) I'm not going to say I'm worried
about them, but--

John: (looking thoughtfully at Andy) If either of them begins to use the
words 'dude,' 'cajones,' or 'no sweat,' then don't panic. They're just
engaging some American Freestyle Chest-Thumping. However, if you hear
Andy mention anything about 'ruler of the Universe' or if Jared starts
talking about anything involving the words 'great evil,' then start
worrying.

Misato: In that case, you're supposed to get between them, right?

John: No, in that case, launch a few Evas and have them cover the city
from stray ki-blasts.

Misato: What if they try flying?

John: It's banned... oh. (as if he's explaining this to kindergarteners
for the 50th time) Most of Andy's flying is for show. Sure, it has its
uses, and it's perfectly intimidating, but it isn't really his element.
He knows that Jared has him beat in the air. Jared, for his part, can't
match Andy's raw ki, so he's not going to waste energy on flashy--why am
I even discussing this with you?

Misato: (looks up from the detailed notes she's been taking) What? So,
who do you think would win and why?

John: Who wants to know?

Misato: (suddenly flanked by another half-dozen NERV officers, plus
various martial artists in their respective uniforms; everyone has a
recording device of some kind out and all are looking at John as if he's
the real life Santa Claus) Just little ol' me. (sick, fake grin usually
seen on John)

John: < -_-; > Oh well, if you eliminate him, you'll save me some
trouble... Okay, Jared has trained to the instructor level in 122
martial arts styles, and is a master of four entirely different style
that he's created. The man's also a true beast--a berserker who decides
on a goal and puts everything into success at any cost. I've never
actually seen him lose his temper. Andy said he was around when that
happened once. We were in high school. Andy, who was something like two
and half times Jared's size, wasn't able to slow him down, let alone
restrain him. Now, things are different, but the same. Despite the way
he absorbs minor damage, Jared is much more than he seems. I once
thought it unlikely that he'd pose a serious threat to a true master,
but now I'm beginning to think that I'm the only one who could hold my
own against him.

Misato: (scribbling furiously) So you're saying Andy stands about as
much chance as--

John: I have said nothing about Andy... yet. Andy is trained in what I
privately call the 'wild styles.' The problem between the two of them is
that Jared knows about a hundred times as many dirty tricks as Andy. If
he uses even a few of them, it's curtains for the big guy. However-- I
don't know why I'm compelled to make note of this--if Jared, for some
Bizarre Reason (pauses while thunder rumbles in the distance) fought
without using a single dirty trick, it would be a very close fight.
Jared would be using 100 percent skill, and Andy would be using all of
his strength, plus all of his tricks and training to beat Jared. Andy's
still about three times as strong as Jared... it's almost in his
favor... I don't know. It's a toss-up at this point. They have reserves
they've been keeping very well hidden, and that 'training' of theirs....

Misato: (nose still buried in her note pad) You don't sound very worried
about their skill levels.

John: (nasty smirk; the light around his eyes seems to invert for a
split-second) I have a few tricks of my own. (levitates a foot off the
ground) Now get out of here! I have a doctor to interrogate and a little
sister to visit.

[The martial artist horde practically vanishes as John arrogantly floats
down the ruined corridor towards a distant door.]

John: (over his shoulder to Asuka) Girl! Could you have an underling
scoop up Andy's remains and deposit them in the hospital wing?

Asuka: (to Rei) You heard him, Wondergirl, call the infirmary.

Rei: i am not your slave, sohryu.

Asuka: Riiight. I'll call the infirmary.

----------

[Much later, in the hospital wing, we see John and Ritsuko watching
several orderlies strap a knocked-out Andy onto a hospital bed. Then
they leave the room with the orderlies and hold a little 'conference' in
the hallway. Jared is presumably harassing some nurses in another room.]

John: So, is that no-fly rule negotiable?

Ritsuko: (pointed look at Andy's door) After this? Absolutely not.

John: (snaps his fingers) Aww, shucks.

Ritsuko: (Nag Mode ON) You three aren't getting anything else from us.
NERV is nearly broke. The government is putting legitimate spending
requests on hold because of the frivolous ones I helped you rotten
assholes put through! Sports cars. Chrome plating an Eva. A three
hundred and fifty horsepower blender. Who needs this stuff?

John: Er... well, those things have saved lives... except the chrome
plating. That was just cool.

Ritsuko: (pointing) Don't start making excuses, Genoni--AAHHH!

Jared: (flipping up Ritsuko's skirt to take a peek at her panties) Lace?
Seducing someone tonight, Rit-chan?

[While Ritsuko beats Jared into unconsciousness more thoroughly than
Andy has ever managed, the big Goon wakes up and takes stock of the
situation. In a split-second, his binding are a distant memory. He
passes through the door like it's toilet paper and upon seeing the
violence, leaps into action.]

Andy: (pushing Ritsuko aside) Hey! He's mine!

[John leaps into the fray, lead pipe coming over his head like a sword
and down on Andy's head like a hammer, knocking out the maniac. Jared
looks at the pipe, at Andy, and politely faints. Then John straps both
Goons securely into new beds in different rooms. After finishing, he
returns to the hallway and Ritsuko, clapping imaginary dust from his
hands.]

John: Anything else?

Ritsuko: (coldly) No.

John: (evil smirk) What color are they?

Ritsuko: (glaring with fury yet blushing furiously) I hate you and hope
you die.

----------

[Later that afternoon at an up-scale sushi bar. It's... well, it's an
up-scale sushi bar. I have no idea what it looks like. Use your own damn
imagination!!!]

[Ahem. Sorry about that. This is the kind of place that wouldn't admit a
certain Goon who stands at the door arguing with the proprietor.]

Jared: (dressed in a suit that would look bad even in the '70s) What do
you mean I can't come in? I'm dressed, aren't I?

Proprietor: Sir, listen. It is very difficult to gain admission to Crazy
Kanzaki's Sushi Palace. Perhaps it is best you not try today. Maybe you
can come back in a few years, when you are ready to accept the
challenge--

Jared: (eyes blazing with unholy fire) CHALLENGE?! What challenge?

Proprietor: (sighs resignedly) Foreigner, you must defeat Jubei here in
Mortal Kombat to gain entrance to Crazy Kanzaki's Sushi Palace.

[A mountain of a man, a walking pillar of indomitable strength who uses
crowbars for toothpicks, stalks into the room, reeking of intended
violence.]

Jared: (takes off his coat and begins stretching) Fine. Fine. Alright,
I'll do it. Just give me a few seconds...

[An arcade machine is wheeled out. The giant warrior takes his place at
the controls of...]

Jared: (shouting in outrage) Mortal Kombat?!! What's the meaning of
this?

Proprietor: Most honorable sir, this may be the only way that I, Ataru
Kanzaki, can allow you to pass.

Jared: (thinking) Now I know why the place is called Crazy Kanzaki's...
(looks at the arcade machine) Man, I hate this version. I wish they had
the sequel. (sets himself) For Misato!

[A heated battle of bashing joysticks and slapping buttons ensues.
Punches are dodged, secret techniques unleashed, and horrifying combos
hurled into the mix. When dust settles, it is Kitana who stands
victorious over Shang Tsung. Jared lets out a victory whoop as his
larger opponent bursts into tears.]

Kanzaki: (sighs) You are victorious, sir.

Jared: (putting on his jacket) Thank you. Now, I just want to select a
few dishes. I've got a lady to take out tonight...

Kanzaki: Of course, sir. (snaps up a menu) Walk this way.

[Kanzaki struts out of frame. Jared shrugs and matches the Kanzaki's
gait until they arrive at a small table fit for two. Jared sits and
makes a few reasonable selections. While waiting for his food, his eyes
appraise the restaurant.]

[Presently, the food arrives. After some sampling, Jared comes to the
conclusion that this isn't going to be on his to-do list for the "date"
with Misato.]

Jared: This is not going to be on my to-do list for the "date" with
Misato!

[Thank you.]

Jared: Don't mention it.

[He decides he is ready to leave, then sees Kaji enter the restaurant
and start talking rapidly with Kanzaki. It is immediately obvious that
Kanzaki and Kaji go way back. Jared stands and works his way over to the
pair.]

Jared: Kaji, fancy meeting you here!

Kaji: (distracted) Yeah, hey, great. (leans in close; whispers) You
should probably get out of here.

Jared: (catching on) What's the problem?

Kaji: There's some people after me. You...

Jared: Would I be willing to help? Certainly!

Kaji: I didn't really say--

Jared: (waves him off) You didn't, but like that matters. Who do I need
to kill? Yakuza?

Kaji: (glance at the door) It's a little more complicated than that.

Jared: So, what's the deal?

Kaji: I need to lay low for a while.

Jared: How about Misato's place?

Kaji: There's children there.

Jared: Her bedroom door locks... Oh.

[Kaji shakes his head.]

Jared: Well, it is the most secure place in the city, assuming NERV
isn't safe.

Kaji: (another glance at the door) You know, you might be right.
Kanzaki?

Kanzaki: (covertly checking a security monitor; rings for Jubei) They're
at the outer doors.

Jared: (going back to his table) Misato's?

Kaji: (following) Sure. How are we to get there?

[With a theatrical flourish that draws stares (and several tossed
coins), Jared pulls out a massive burlap sack.]

Jared: < ^_^ > ...

Kaji: < -_- > You have got to be kidding.

Jared: < ^_^ > Nope.

Kaji: < -_- > ... (sighs)

Jared: It's bigger than it looks. Just climb in. I'll have John leave
you in front of her place tonight.

Kaji: ...

Jared: C'mon, who's going to look for you in a burlap sack?

Kaji: (clutching his head in pain) Ow! I'll do it! Just... stop making
sense!

[Kaji climbs into the bag.]

[Trained killers burst into the room just as Jared sit down next to a
lumpy burlap sack. Kanzaki is pushed aside, but Jubei, obviously a
trained bouncer, slows down the assault. Jared calmly resumes eating his
food, even as the other patrons empty out of the restaurant. By the time
Jubei falls, even the chefs are history, and Kanzaki is on the phone to
his insurance adjuster.]

[The group of muscular men in dark shades adjust their ill-fitting suits
as they encircle Jared.]

Jared: I'm not really ready for a second course.

Man #1: Please open that bag, sir.

Jared: You know, just once, I'd like for someone who's done their
homework to come after me.

Man #1: (to Man #2) Hold him.

[Man #2 pulls out a taser and approaches Jared rapidly. The Goon sends
the pointy end of a chopstick into the man's eye. Guns are out before
Man #2 hits the floor, and Jared grabs his sack. Bullets fly as he
dances around and over tables. Before the thugs empty a clip at him,
he's out the shattered bay windows.]

[The group dashes outside to find their car gone and tire tracks leading
to an American-made vehicle disappearing around a distant corner. The
killers do a double-take at their empty parking spot, then look around
and curse a lot. The leader pulls out a cell-phone when Man #4 points up
at a building across the street and starts shouting.]

Man #1: (staring at the unmarked black sedan embedded in a seventh-story
window) ...

Voice: (over the forgotten cell phone) Hello? Hello? Agent, respond!

Man #1: Shit...

Voice: (over phone) What? Repeat that, agent!

Man #1: Target contacted one of the Persistents. Our transportation's
been disabled.

Voice: (over phone) Then pull out. I'll have a suitable team go after
the Persistents. Out.

[The man hangs up the phone and rubs his impossibly thick neck, snorting
in irritation.]

Man #1: Damn those three...

----------

[Later that night, with Kaji safely in John's hands, Jared knocks on the
door to Misato's apartment.]

Jared: C'mon, Mis-chan! It's after nine!

Misato: (from inside) I'm ready, I'm ready!

[Misato opens the door. She's dressed in combat pants two sizes too
large, heavy boots, a baseball cap, and a form-concealing sweat shirt.
Jared is overdressed in a splendid tuxedo. The look on his face is
priceless. Misato even whips out a disposable camera to preserve the
moment.]

Jared: (puppy dog eyes) This is a special occasion!

Misato: (firm) The car.

[Jared whines, but quits after Misato whaps him with a rolled-up
newspaper. Since the Goon moans lewdly at the first whap, she puts it
away quickly. The two then make their way leisurely to the ground floor
of the rather large parking garage, where The Car is parked. With a
flourish, Jared opens the door for Misato.]

[She glances inside, pulls her head out and stares at him, repeats the
movement, then looks inside a third time and the camera finally follows.
The inside has a large bench seat with room for four Americans, or six
Japanese, plus three televisions and several game systems. There's even
curtains over the windows. Nothing unrealistic, just stuff usually seen
on show cars.]

Misato: That's a hell of a set-up. How did you fit it all in there?

Jared: Well, you know how those little Japanese cars always seem to have
more room inside than is possible? No? Look, I'm an engineer, not an
interior designer. I moved a few supports, adjusted the wheelbase,
re-positioned the engine. A few more little mods, and viola!

[With little more talk, they're in the car, and on their way. Jared gets
into his usual mode of driving, and though they spy the occasional
police car, there's not a cop left in the entire country that dares to
think they can really catch the Chevelle. Besides, they've got money on
when it will get totaled again.]

[The Major, however, appears unimpressed. The theatrical yawns and fake
snores are a pretty good giveaway. Finally Jared brings the car to a
halt in a deserted area of town. Misato draws her gun as Jared puts on a
headset and fiddles with the stereo.]

Jared: (into mic.) Bravo, zero, one, niner. Calling east tower.

Tower: (piped through the car's stereo) This is east tower. Contact
confirmed. Bravo zero one niner, please activate beacon and ILS system.

[Jared taps a few more buttons. A series of 'clunks' sound from outside,
then inside as the controls rearrange themselves into items usually
found on a plane.]

Jared: (into mic.) ILS, on. Beacon, on. Tower, request take-off
clearance, flight plan Sidestep, Romero, seven, one.

Tower: (through the car's stereo) Flight plan Sidestep, Romero, seven,
one, confirmed. Take-off clearance granted.

[Jared smirks at Misato, grabs what used to be the shifter, and pushes
it all the way towards the dash. A green bar on the console below it
lights up and the two are suddenly rammed into their seats as the
vehicle rockets forward.]

[Within a dozen seconds, Jared grabs what used to be the steering wheel,
and lightly tugs it towards him. The front of the car lifts off the
ground, followed immediately by the rest of it. A dull roar fills the
cabin as they rapidly climb to a few hundred feet and begin to slowly
circle a massive Eva-made lake east of town, past the airport and the
hillside suburbs.]

[Once leveled off, Jared sighs contentedly and pulls a bottle of
champagne and two champagne flutes from the center console.]

Jared: (as he opens the champagne) Beautiful night. Nice that the ion
engines work too. I've always wanted a car with balls, and once I had
one, I wanted one with wings. (pours the champagne; suggestive wink at
the Major) I'm beginning to think anything is possible.

Misato: (taking one of the drinks) Dream on.

Jared: (smiles) I plan to.

[The re-closed bottle goes back into the compartment in the console,
leaving the two to enjoy the stunning view out of the windshield.]

Misato: Ion engines?

Jared: Okay, I lied when I told you I doubled the horsepower. It's more
like a dozen times as powerful as it's previous incarnation.

Misato: So...

Jared: It can fly. There's enough thrust, I added wings and the
necessary control systems... Actually your Van was the prototype flight
vehicle, but this is the first time I've had the engines assembled and
tested. This is a special occasion...

Misato: You know, this is so cheesy, that if I felt at all comfortable
with you, I might be inclined to think you were being cute.

Jared: (looking out the windshield at the clouds, swirling his drink
idly) I can arrange for Kaji to be waiting outside your apartment when
we get back.

Misato: (sorry for him?) I didn't mean it like that.

Jared: (still not looking at her) We're in a war here, Misato. We will
grasp at what fleeting happiness we can before it's all over. There
shouldn't be shame in that.

[A fighter jet comes into view, the pilot rubbernecking at the car. He
catches Jared's eye and gives a wave. Jared's halfway through a return
wave when a light on the dash starts flashing it time with a very
familiar beep.]

Jared: Buckle down!

[Jared has the car out of autopilot in record time, and pulls into a
steep dive and weave.]

Jared: (to the startled Major) They have a missile lock on us!

Misato: Who--

Jared: Don't worry about it now. Too many choices.

[The car goes into a crash dive, apparently spiraling out of control. It
levels out forty feet above some anonymous body of water, with Tokyo-3
looming up ahead of them like a seaside fortress. Jared touches the
throttle again.]

Misato: Uh, shouldn't--

[Then the city is upon them. Jared deftly steers the vehicle above a
startlingly familiar Limited Access highway, missile in hot pursuit.]

Misato: Isn't--

Jared: This place is a curse!

[The car veers off an exit at full tilt. The missile, cutting the corner
closer and fast, slams into a building and detonates.]

Jared: Hah!

Misato: Wooo!

[The two look at each other with a mix of excitement, surprise, and
anxiety. Then Jared taps the controls again and the car drops squarely
onto the road. Then he gives the steering wheel a calculated nudge,
causing them to spin through two full three-sixties and then some before
winding up at the entrance to their apartment building. Jared guns the
throttle, lays down a patch, and whips the car into another series of
apparently uncontrolled spins that stop when he's parked flawlessly in
his reserved space, narrowly missing the bright yellow F40 parked in the
next stall.]

[Jared kills the engine. In the ensuing silence, the ticking sound of
cooling metal seems to echo through the garage.]

Misato: You filed a flight plan?

Jared: (shrugs) I thought it would keep us from being shot at...

[Misato laughs. Jared shrugs.]

Misato: So, I'll have rockets on my Van soon?

Jared: By the end of the week. It'll take the tech staff only an hour or
two to install them. I built the Van with those in mind, you know.

Misato: Uh... thanks. It was... interesting.

Jared: (smirking) Get going, you silly girl.

[Misato gets out an heads for the elevator.]

----------

[Outside Apartment 724, Misato nearly trips over a large burlap sack
piled outside her door. Curious, she opens the top to find...]

Misato: Kaji!

[The man himself is inside the sack and... asleep. Looking around
furtively, Misato drags him inside to find the apartment empty.]

Misato: (to herself) That's right, the kids were going to a movie. But
Kaji was going to chaperon...

[Once she wrestles Kaji body into her bedroom, she ceases all wonder in
Jared's bizarre 100% gift delivery record, and begins to think about
ways to wake up Kaji.]

[Of course, she dims the lights and strips off her many layers of
clothing first, peeling the last from her--]

----------

Author John: AHEM!

Author Jared: Hm?

Author John: Don't you think you should have cut away by now? Hell, why
is this scene even in here?

Author Jared: (shrugs) ...

Author John: What part of 'implied' do you have a hard time
understanding?

Author Jared: Okay, okay, PG rating! PG rating! I get it already!
(mumbles darkly under his breath)

----------

[Random movie theater in Tokyo-3. Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Toji, Hikari, and
Kensuke stand to the side of the main line. The girls are dressed for
action, but the boys just threw on whatever was clean.]

Asuka: (growling) Where... the fuck... is Kaji?

Shinji: You know, I don't think he's coming. For that matter, where's
John? It's not like NERV to just leave us to our own devices.

[Shinji pulls out his phone and dials.]

Toji: Really? Those Americans seem to wander off whenever they feel like
it.

Asuka: Leaving Misato or that doctor to look after us, if we're not
dumped off at school. This is weird.

[Shinji hangs up his phone.]

Shinji: Misato isn't answering.

[Kensuke makes a note of this. Literally, like with paper and pen and
everything. Toji deftly steps in between him and the others to keep his
actions properly covert.]

Hikari: Well, are we going to see a movie or what?

Asuka: Hikari's right. The adults bailed, and it's not like the movie
theater is any more dangerous than just standing around here. You in,
Wondergirl?

Rei: i will accompany you all.

Asuka: Then it's decided!

[The group marches into the theater.]

----------

[The rest of the working week passes in relative quiet. Asuka continues
to bug John. Andy trains to destroy various animals and insects
throughout Japan. Jared continues to grope any attractive, nubile female
within range. John continues to prevent the destruction of earth's core,
leading to the collapse of the magma layers and a cataclysmic explosion
that will fling the crust into space. The techs within NERV continue to
repair and upgrade the Evangelions, and Hiroshi-ojisan finally gets his
new downtown location renovated.]

[And Andy stands on Apartment 723's balcony railing, wearing his
"off-day" Hawaiian shirt with matching Bermuda shorts over dozens of
bandages. In some countries, shooting the wearer of these colors is
considered a mercy killing.]

Andy: (air raid siren volume) SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU STUPID BUGS!!!

----------

[Next door, Shinji and Asuka have finished their last round of homework.
Both lay on the main room's floor, spread eagle. Asuka's head is on
Shinji's stomach, using the human doormat as a pillow. Shinji wears a
pair of gray khaki shorts and his typical white T-shirt. Asuka is
wearing a filmy pink shirt baring her shoulders and most of her upper
chest, and falling almost comically short of her shorts. The matching
pink shorts apply new a definition to the meaning of the word _tight_.
If she ate a single Tic-Tac, someone would have to sand it off.]

Shinji: (listening to Andy roar at nature) We should go somewhere else,
it's just too noisy here.

Asuka: Go where else? Half the city is wrecked, and the half that isn't
has turned into a traffic jam.

Shinji: Misato is gone.

Asuka: But we have AC and ice cream here.

Shinji: Ooh. Ice cream!

[Before long, the two have liberated a half gallon of chocolate mint and
are eating it out of the container with spoons and laughing like the
kids they are. Then Asuka gets a mischievous look in her eye and
"accidentally" swipes her full spoon of ice cream by Shinji's face,
leaving a dab of sweet cream on his nose.]

Shinji: Hey!

Asuka: Here. Let me--

[Asuka leans directly into Shinji's personal space and licks the cream
off with her tongue far more slowly than strictly necessary. It's hard
to tell if Shinji even notices this, since he has front-row seating for
the viewing of Asuka's cleavage.]

[She stays there, savoring the flavor with a soft noise halfway between
a purr of pleasure and a sigh of contentment. Now that the third
children is distracted, his spoon drifts into Asuka's shirt. The Eva
pilot gasps and pulls back to look at the mess.]

Asuka: (pulling at her shirt) That's going to stain!

Shinji: Don't worry. I'll clean it up.

[Shinji leans into duplicate Asuka's maneuver, but Pen Pen chooses that
moment to jump on his head, squawking loudly. Shinji's face is pushed
down between Asuka's legs, and she lets out a scream. Shinji, blushing,
frees himself and takes a swipe at the seabird. Pen Pen dodges, leaving
a cloud of feathers behind. Shinji pauses and looks at his knee, which
has landed in the ice cream, tearing the flimsy paper container asunder.
No small amount of the melted ice cream has oozed onto the floor and
splattered all over Asuka's legs.]

[To complete the scene, Misato bursts through the front door, sidearm
drawn.]

Pen Pen: Waaaarrrkk! WARK! WARK! WARK! WARK! WARK!

[The major looks at her charges, taking in the scene. Asuka and Shinji
stare at her--well, her gun.]

Andy: (heard clearly from next door) DIE, YOU WINGED CRETINS!!!

[Then the two Eva pilots and their parental figure begin giggling
uncontrollably. The giggling leads to laughing, and we fade to black.]

----------

[The next morning, in a random NERV corridor, en route to their
office...]

Jared: ...

Andy: ...

John: ...

[Yeah... We're not very talkative most mornings.]

Ritsuko: (coming down the hallway with a stack of papers) There you are!

Jared: Busted.

John: That's my line.

Andy: I hope she hasn't found out about that radar installation.

[While Jared and John glare at their "comrade," Ritsuko approaches.]

John: (in greeting) Good morning, Rit-chan.

Ritsuko: (flippant) Hey. Come to collect your Frequent Injury points?

John: Of course, another three concussions and Jared's eligible for a
toaster oven.

[Jared preens like a peacock for about twelve seconds, then...]

Jared: Hey!

Ritsuko: Didn't Ikari tell you three to meet me in Briefing Room 4?

John: < -_- > No, he usually sends underlings to do that.

Ritsuko: Indeed. Well, let's go.

----------

[Briefing Room 4. The Goons shuffle in and take seats. John is told
three times to put his feet on the floor. Jared slumps into a seat and
promptly falls asleep. Ritsuko triggers the electro-shock feature of his
mini-MAGI to wake him. Andy enters the room like a SWAT team member,
substituting small ki blasts in place of grenades and bullets. After the
excitement is over (and Jared's lead pipe gains a new dent), Ritsuko
Forces the smoke out of the room and address the Am--those guys.]

Ritsuko: We're getting a new Eva. (quickly) By "we," I mean "not you
three."

[The Goons are already exchanging high-fives, cheering, and dancing
their victory dances. Ritsuko's finger positions itself over the button
to engage the electro-shock treatment. A slight breeze causes her to
look up.]

[All three Goons are seated in the front row like obedient puppies.]

Ritsuko: That's better. As I was saying, a new Eva will be delivered to
NERV in the coming weeks.

John: And you want to ask us who we think the pilot should be.

[Ritsuko sighs and throws away a small stack of papers outlining a
lengthy speech about responsibility and planning and pilot abilities and
the selection process.]

Ritsuko: I assume you already know how we select pilots then?

Jared: About Shinji's entire class being candidates? Yes.

Ritsuko: Why can you three at least pretend to be surprised when I
reveal something new to you?!

John: Besides the fact we've seen you reveal all already? (as he is
electrocuted) AAARRRGGGHHH!!! (smoking slightly) That came out wrong.

[Ritsuko opens her mouth to--]

Andy: Aida.

[And a hearty laugh is shared by all.]

Andy: (stops laughing; offended tone) Hey, I was serious!

Jared: How about Hikari? ... What? She's got the biggest balls around
here and-- (Andy and John start making retching noises) Oh, c'mon,
that's not what I meant and you guys know it!

John: Do we really want to call in a bitchy, inflexible, simpering girl
as the next Eva pilot?

Jared: Do we really not want to shove another cute Japanese girl with an
abnormally large bust into a skin-tight outfit and drench her in a
liquid closely akin to water while--

John: VETO!

Jared: You don't have the authority!

John: She's out.

Jared: She has potential.

John: You are not fucking this world up any more, Jared!

Jared: You wanna win, or do you wanna go home with our tales between our
legs?!

Ritsuko: What about Aida's fighting--

Jared: (to Ritsuko) Shut up!

John: (to Ritsuko) You stay out of this!

Jared: We need backup here, not the next loco mecha-obsessed fanboy
yahoo that stumbles down the streets during an Angel attack!

Andy: You mean besides us.

Jared: Well, yes, of course besides us.

John: You know what, you aren't allowed to make decisions around here!
You've fucked up enough!

Jared: Hey, I'm always planning the successful combat strategies!

John: That's all you plan!

Jared: Picking Hikari Hoarki for an Eva pilot IS a combat decision you
control freak!

Ritsuko: But Misato--

Jared: Shut up! (to John) Your brain hardly works half the time, if
you--if I--you don't-- (fumes) Who does Ikari have in mind?

Ritsuko: (waits a moment for another outburst before speaking) Well, the
commander doesn't have anyone specific in mind, and none of the files
indicates--

Jared: Fuck him. Just because he doesn't get a woody looking at those
kids is no reason to deem them unfit to pilot an Evangelion.

[John whips out a crowbar and ends the argument.]

Andy: (cautious) So... Aida's the new pilot?

John: ... It was going to happen sooner or later. (thinks for a second)
Any news on the design?

Ritsuko: The final design information has not been sent to us yet. We
have an S-2 prepared and the basic B-type armor. Nothing fancy.

John: That's fine. Will it be time share, or do I get the Big Gun?

Ritsuko: Well, one of you will have to stand down if we scramble all
pilots. We can't pull Unit-06X out of lock-down unless--

John: I understand that, Doctor.

[John throws Jared over his shoulder and IT's away. The Doctor throws a
glare at the Andy-shaped dust cloud, which rapidly dissipates under the
assault. Ritsuko activates her Mini-MAGI.]

Gendo: (via Mini-MAGI) Report.

Ritsuko: As you said, they recommended Kensuke Aida for the piloting
position.

Gendo: Arrange it, then. Double the observation staff around the Fifth
Children.

[Gendo clicks off. Ritsuko scoops up the papers she threw on the floor
earlier.]

Ritsuko: How the hell did he know they would pick that kid?

----------

[Later that evening, John leaves Rei's apartment, number 725, and walks
the twenty or so feet to apartment 723, to find it empty. Shrugging, he
places an English textbook on the counter, puts two fingers to his
forehead in concentration, and disappears from the room.]

[He reappears some 115 kilometers away, in the middle of a beach. The
moon is up, its light making the water look silver-plated and the
coloring the sand a pale gray. Jared stands near the water's edge,
dressed in a black gi, his hair unusually spiked up. John, in a dress
shirt and slacks, looks out of place on the sand.]

[He removes his shoes and socks to feel the cool sand, and as he strolls
down to Jared, he unbuttons the top two buttons of his shirt.]

John: Hey.

Jared: Hey.

John: Are you firing Kamehamehas into the ocean?

Jared: Yep.

John: Isn't Andy looking for you?

Jared: He left for NERV with some weird-looking book about a half-hour
ago. Acted like I wasn't there. I knew you would be a while, so I IT'd
here and thought I'd practice for a bit.

John: (scratches his chin thoughtfully) Hm... what you said almost made
sense. Surely I mis-heard you.

Jared: (sending a small blast to the east) Kamehamhe-HA!

John: Want some help?

Jared: (raised eyebrow to John) Beam battle?

John: (the words are cool enough to be audibly capitalized) Beam Duel.

[The two assume their positions. Back to back, one looking down the
beach, the other looking up it. Slowly they both count to 10. Then
Instant-Transmission about a hundred yards away from one another. Each
appears already facing the other, and in their hands, a blue light
flickers to life.]

John: MAZENKO--

Jared: KAMEHAME--

[As they speak, the light expands until each Goon is holding a glowing,
basketball-sized sphere that out-shines the moon and stars, illuminating
the beach with an electric glow. Eyes narrow and muscles tense. The very
air itself crackles with power barely held in check, then begins to move
like a living thing, lifting and tossing about the Goons' hair and
tugging at their clothes even as they stand as motionless as statues.]

John: --HAAAAAA!!!

Jared: --HAAAAAA!!!

[The orbs fly out from open hands, leaving trails of pure light as they
stretch into something like a beam of raw energy. They rush towards
their targets at highway speeds. At the exact mid-point, the two beams
collide head-on, both stopping dead. There they struggle, surging
forwards and back, as the combatants try to overcome one another.]

Jared: Kaioken!

[Jared's beam suddenly increases in size and brightness, and begins
pushing the bubble of energy towards John. John narrows his eyes.]

John: Kaioken!

[Now the meeting point of the beams is about twice as large, and
emitting an unpleasant humming noise.]

Jared: Ready?

John: Why do you even ask?

[Jared grunts, and this time the ball easily doubles in size. John
mimics the action, sweat beading upon his brow. The ball, now large
enough to engulf a compact car, remains stubbornly between the Goons.]

John: Up or out?

Jared: (nodding towards the sea) Out.

[Through timing that is invisible to any observing party, the Goons turn
their beams to the east. Like a bean squeezed tightly between one's
fingers, the ball suddenly breaks free, streaking towards the horizon
like a cruise missile until it makes contact with an unfortunately
placed wave.]

[The detonation forms a "crater" in the water more than a hundred meters
across. A wave thirty feet high leaps up and begins rushing towards the
beach while the explosion's echo rolls down the coastline.]

John: What the hell? Goddammit, you'd better fix this!

Jared: ME?! You're the one who suggest a beam duel!

John: You're the one who shot it at the ocean!

Jared: It takes two to tango, motherfucker!

[John looks about ready to pull his hair out. Mostly because he doesn't
feel like saving the population _again_, but he's here and doesn't have
any excuse for letting this wave past.]

John: (to Jared) Fine! Shield!

[Faces grim, both Goons stand their ground, hands out-thrust as if
holding up an invisible wall. A blue shield forms between them,
stretching almost a mile down the beach in either direction, protecting
the land from the rushing wave. The water beats against the shield
mercilessly, but for all its fury, it may as well be trying to knock
over Everest in one go. In a matter of seconds, the wave recedes and the
residual waves lap further and further down the shore until all is calm
again. The Goons drop their arms to their sides.]

Jared: Interesting.

John: (glaring at Jared, but almost smiling) ...

Jared: Ice cream?

John: (sighs) Name a place.

Jared: There's one a few blocks away.

John: Have fun. You'll be back... Tuesday?

Jared: Hah. I'll see you back at our apartment.

John: But _when_?

[Jared doesn't answer, walking into the darkness.]

Author: I could capitalize that last bit and reference another story my
co-authors hate... he he! I love this job!

----------

         [Public Service Announcement 1: The Real Evangelion.]

Chibi-Jared: We have a special treat for the audience today!

Chibi-John: That's right. While Author-Jared is losing his mind writing
the fight scenes for Episode 09, we kidna--er... brought Hideaki Anno
here to do some Q&A for the Three Goons fan!

Chibi-Jared: We have a fan?

Chibi-Andy: And here's our first question, in regards to the End of
Evangelion movie. "What the hell was that all about? I don't get it!"

Chibi-John: That's it. We're not letting Jared pick the questions next
time.

Anno: (Brief Lecture Mode) <Japanese>.

Chibi-Jared: (flipping through Japanese Made Easy booklet) What? Eva is
just a dramatic re-telling of Rumiko Takahashi's Ranma 1/2?

Anno: Hai.

[Stock footage of earthquakes ravaging great cities, fires annihilating
millions of acres of green forests, and nuclear weapons exploding
plays.]

Chibi-Andy: HIS HEAD IS MINE!!!

Chibi-Jared: I GET HIS SPLEEN!!!

Chibi-John: ALL THIS OVER THAT STUPID COMIC?!!

[Well, there you go folks, the End of Evangelion in a nutshell. Peace
out.]

----------

[Two days later.]

[One would think that with the nearly no violent crime, that Tokyo-3 is
bound to be a safe place to hit up a convenience store for that much-
needed refreshment. And you'd be right, unless you happened to be in the
same convenience store as the Goons. But usually even this was okay, as
the Goons held their sources of Dew in good respect and were adverse to
destroying them without a very good reason.]

[Then again, chaos follows the Goons like scandals follow a politician.]

Andy: (holding five cans) So this one's lizard gizzards, this one's mango
and axle grease, this one's rose blossom and raw beef, this one's
tangerine and guano, and this one's pig's feet with a fish head twist.
(sighs; as if lamenting an infamous crime) Japanese taste buds.

Pen Pen: Wark.

Andy: When I want your opinion I'll--

[As Andy actually sees who made the "comment," his eyes widen. For a
moment, Pen Pen silently stares down the Goon. Then his beak twitches.
Andy whips open the nearest cooler door and yanks the top shelf loose.
Pen Pen is forced to back-pedal as chilled drinks tumble out and smash
on the floor. As he pulls back, he swats at a can sitting on a nearby
display. Andy deflects the projectile, pocketing one of the drinks.]

[His hand comes out gripping a Glock 23, but the bird is out of view.
Andy fades back into the next isle, drawing a second gun, twin to the
first. Out of the corner of his eye, he notes that the clerk is still
wearing a set of headphones and oblivious to the world around him.
Hearing the tinniest of taps, Andy looks up to see a bottle of cheap
shampoo descending upon him. He fires as if on instinct, causing the
plastic container to explode and belch out its contents onto the goon.
Andy ignores this, and levels his pistols at either end of the isle,
looking frantically back and forth, waiting for the attack.]

[Then a thin stream of urine begins pelting him in the head, care of a
certain penguin standing on the top shelf with one leg raised in the
air.]

[Andy holds perfectly still for a second, one eye twitching dangerously.
Then he explodes into motion, swiping at the Pen Pen-shaped hole in the
air. He follows up by emptying both clips so fast that the resulting
sound is more like a powerful machine gun than a pair of pistols.]

Andy: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!

[The contents of the shelf are instantly shredded. Andy sprints for the
counter, eyes peeled. His senses extend before him, probing every inch
of space, totally missing the webbed foot that trips him and sends him
crashing into the counter. He rights himself, dropping his empty weapons
on the counter top, and spies the penguin standing innocently in the
open.]

Andy: (eyes narrow) So...

Pen Pen: (almost a hiss) waaarrrk...

[Andy attacks, Pen Pen dodges. Andy swipes, Pen Pen ducks. Andy jumps
into the air to swap, chop, or squash the bird in one smooth movement.
Pen Pen simply grabs his airborne foot and gives it a good twist, the
sudden change in momentum flinging Andy over the counter this time,
taking both of his abandoned guns with him and unbalancing the large
metal microwave sitting next to them. He hits the floor with a grunt,
then covers his face as the microwave falls straight at his head.]

Andy: (thinking) What is going on here?! I'm the master of my domain,
damn it! (out loud) I AM THE ONE!

[He brushes the microwave off, reloads his guns, and rolls to his feet,
and begins firing at the penguin. Surprisingly, Pen Pen begins firing
back with a SAW. Andy ducks and fires blindly, blowing bags of fried and
bakes good apart and spewing their contents all over the floor. The
high-velocity rounds from the SAW shatters the display of hard liquor
behind the counter. The clerk doesn't even notice, his nose buried in a
text book, head phones still covering his hears. Andy scoots towards the
end of the counter nearer the entrance, emptying the clips of his guns
as he goes. He runs dry just as he reaches the end, pulls out another
pair of Glocks and resumes the barrage while crouched behind cover.]

[But the SAW has stopped firing. Andy waits for a half-second, then pops
out to fire at the first sign of movement. Immediately, he targets and
fires on a small bottle flying right at his face. The bottle shatters,
spraying glass and a red liquid all over his face, especially around his
eyes.]

[He may have chosen a different course of action had he known that was
Tabasco sauce.]

Andy: (clutching at his eyes) AAAAAAHHH! (Ace Ventura style) It burns!
It buuurns!

[Now Pen Pen steps out into the open and rushes Andy. The bird begins
savagely beating the Goon, Andy just defending himself against a barrage
of unfamiliar attacks that blow him about like a leaf in a storm. Pen
Pen follows him around the store, while Andy stumbles into displays of
candy bars and oddly flavored popcorn while trying to dodge punches he
can't even see. Eventually they work their way around the entire store,
and a powerful aerial kick sends Andy over the counter and past the
truly oblivious clerk once more.]

[But even Andy can learn. He's on his feet in an instant, but pauses.
The sound of someone striking a lighter seems to echo through the store
to his ears. And that wetness on the floor. Wasn't that... Andy rubs his
fingers in the substance and brings them to his nose, sniffing and
hoping he still _has_ a sense of smell after that dastardly hot sauce
attack.]

Andy: (brain actually functioning) Booze.

[Pen Pen stands at the door. He raises one flipper in farewell, and
throws a lit Zippo lighter at the pool of flammable liquid. Andy's eyes,
blood shot and wounded as they are, open wide. He grabs the clerk in a
mad dash for the door. Behind him, we see the Zippo descending in
graceful slow-motion until it touches the cocktail on the floor...]

[The Goons sails out of the convenience store and drops into a cover
position on the sidewalk. The clerk stands next to him, still holding
his textbook and wearing those stupid headphones. While Andy puzzles
over why he grabbed the clerk, the expected explosion never comes. Sure,
people on the sidewalk point and stare, but the Maniac hardly notices
that anymore.]

Andy: (drawing another gun, which causes the locals to scatter) Where is
he?

[A black and white blur shoots out of the flaming store, streaks in
front of two cars, and makes the entrance of a small movie theater
across the street. Andy fires wildly, tearing holes the size of oranges
in various cars and walls.]

Andy: (giving chase) YOU'RE MINE!

[Andy skids through the entrance of the theater, ignores the screaming
usher, and spies the women's restroom door banging shut. He's inside in
a flash.]

Various Hot Underwear-Clad Women: EEK! Pervert! Help, police! Get away
from us! Aaaaaah! Oh yes, god, YES! Uhn... uhn... more... (pant pant)
yes! Harder! Harder! Hey, get him out of here! This is the women's
restroom! Don't touch me (gasp) there! (etc.)

[Andy spies a nondescript girl of about fourteen (74-68-81, 154cm tall,
46kg, 92cm bust, black hair, amber eyes, hey! I know the metric
system!), clad in equally nondescript clothing (red--]

----------

Author-John: What... the... _fuck_?

Author-Jared: Do you mind? I've got a fight scene to finish.

Author-John: This isn't a fight scene, this is a peep show!

Author-Jared: I'm just giving the audience what they want.

Author-John: First off, what audience? Second off, if anyone's getting
their measurements plastered all over this fic, it's going to be the
Major's. Thirdly, why am I talking to you about this?

Author-Jared: Why _are_ you talking to me about this? You never have
anything else to say about the story, you ignore my questions, and when
I release an episode that makes no sense because _you've_ been holding
back, you complain!

Author-John: You're trying to make this disaster sound like it's my
fault? I'm the one who wrote episode 8 for crying out loud!

Author-Jared: Jesus--I did half of that fucker!

Author-John: That was just a fight scene!

Author-Jared: I'LL GIVE YOU A FIGHT SCENE! RAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!

Author-John: Not the monkey cage!

Monkey: (go to the zoo with a tape recorder, I have better things to do
with my time)

Author-Jared: Get it off! Get it off!

----------

[While they're "discussing" matters, we might as well wrap this up. Any
way, there's this girl, right? And she's hot, right? And dressed to
severely maim, if not kill, and she's holding Pen Pen in a warm
embrace.]

[Get your minds out of the gutter.]

[Andy watches in horror, two sides of his mind warring for control of
his actions. Some people visualize this as an Angel and a Demon, one
perched on each shoulder. As the Goons are hardly people, it should a
little more fucked up.]

[On one of Andy's shoulders a rocket launcher with legs appears.
Improbably, it is smoking a large cigar and speaks in a drill-Sargent
baritone.]

[The other shoulder is graced by a chibi winged flying demon wielding an
ax of fire and a shield of lightning. It has the body of a horse, and
the head of a Sphinx. It speaks in floating stone runes that hover over
Andy's head.]

[Hmm... Make that a LOT more fucked up.]

Rocket Launcher: What are you waiting for, GET THAT PENGUIN!

Demon Thingy: (translated from floating stone runes) They are innocents,
and of the fairer sex. Remove them from this room and then the battle
may recommence.

Andy: (to the Demon) The fuck you say?

[One of the younger girls comes up and starts petting the Demon.]

Innocent Japanese School Girl: Kawaii!

Andy: (makes a face) You can have it.

[The girl squeals and a stampede is caused when she runs out of the
bathroom, the others following, including the one who was holding Pen
Pen just a moment ago.]

Andy: (trampled to the floor) Green light...

Pen Pen: < 0_0 > Waaark...

Andy: (leaping to his feet and power posing) Your ass is MINE!

[Pen Pen dashes for the cover of the toilet stalls. Andy kicks them
down, using the final rounds from his (hopefully) last gun to blast away
the hinges. As the last wall crashes to the floor, the gun clicks empty.
Pen Pen dashes out from under the pile, but Andy catches him with a
wicked soccer kick, and the bird rebounds around the room while Andy
prepares to end this fight with a powerful ki blast.]

Andy: (glowing) RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

[Pen Pen skids to a halt right in front of Andy and flings something at
his face. Andy lets the object bounce harmlessly off his aura before he
realizes what it is; a model of Pen Pen sculpted in C4, with bright red
numbers on the top reading 04...]

[03...]

[02...]

Andy: < o_o > Shit.

[01.]

[A familiar golden glow begins to settle around the Goon just before we
cut to a serene outside view of the movie theater. Curiously, we're
seeing said theater from the inside of a restaurant. An Okonomiyaki bar,
if anyone is asking. And everything is peaceful and quiet and people go
about eating and all hell breaks loose.]

[The theater rips itself apart. Walls make of concrete fold like paper
before the blast. Flames find an exit through the main entrance, debris
billowing out of the structure like pellets out of a shotgun. The entire
south wall is simply gone, the rushing wave of flame furiously
destroying smaller shops in it's path. It halts suddenly, not fifty feet
from the restaurant's windows, spent. Then something comes out of the
wave of destruction. A projectile crashes through the window and comes
to a halt on a hot griddle.]

Andy: (smoking and sizzling) BOOM... Whee... (passes out)

----------

[The next day, in the Goons' Hidden Fortr--er, apartment, Andy and John
are playing video games. John on a portable unit and Andy using the big
screen TV that dominates their tiny living room. Andy is wearing a bath
robe, while John is clad in a sharp black shirt and black pants.]

Andy: I can't believe Jared's still gone.

John: I can't believe you leveled a movie theater in pursuit of a
seabird.

Andy: Not that I care, but where did he go?

John: He went for ice cream.

Andy: He could be anywhere!

John: Hmm... someone tried to shoot down his car before the whole beam
duel thing. At first I just thought it was the author trying to spice up
an otherwise boring scene, but now I'm wondering...

Andy: What?

John: Well, the "no flying" rule doesn't specificy _how_ we fly, it says
no flying _period_.

Andy: Meaning what?

John: I'm not sure, and why do you care anyway?!

Andy: So how does that work?

John: Are you even listening to me?

Andy: Yes! ... I'm sorry, what was the question?

John: Where Jared went--no, how he got--oh fuck it. We don't even know
where he is.

----------

Author-Jared: Coming Soon from Insanity Productions, the third Three
Goons Omake, "TERROR IN OKINAWA!"

----------

[Later that day, Asuka and Shinji slump into their seats at a table in
the cafeteria. Since their more extensive training with the Arrivals
(Episode 7 anyone?), and the antics of said Arrivals in the cafeteria,
the pilots have pretty much been granted a table to call their own. In
their own wing. Sealed off by blast doors. Okay, I was kidding about
those last two. Each sets a large bowl of ramen down on the table and
dig in with real enthusiasm. After a while, Shinji is able to speak
around the food being hoovered into his mouth.]

Shinji: Lately, synch tests are making me so hungry. Almost as much as
training, even though we're just sitting there.

Asuka: (without missing a beat, or a bite) We're using our ki to enhance
our synchronization ratio now, and that's a greater drain on us.

[It takes Shinji a moment to stop choking on his noodles, gulp down some
water, and get his disrupted breathing under control.]

Asuka: Are you okay?

Shinji: (still coughing slightly) We did what with the who now?

Asuka: < o_0 > You _aren't_ okay, are you?

Shinji: How do you know so much about ki?

Asuka: (affectionately) Dummkopf. I had special training. I learned all
about ki a while ago.

[Toji arrives at the table, drops into a seat with a disgusting amount
of energy, and attacks his food.]

Toji: (around mouthfuls of noodles) Muuhhn, yumph gurlg urglurg aag.

Asuka: (disgusted) Excuse me?

Toji: (after swallowing) I said, man you guys sure are fast. (beat) That
was kind of a weird synch test. (finally notices the looks on Asuka and
Shinji's faces) Are you guys okay?

Asuka: Don't you feel a little tired?

Toji: Not at all! I feel like a billion yen, in fact! (quickly) Why?

Asuka: Oh, just... no reason.

Toji: (musing) I hope this practice does some us good.

Asuka: Don't want to be caught unprepared like last time?

Shinji: (quickly) I think he did fine. No-one got away from that Angel.
Even the Americans got their Evas smashed up.

Asuka: (hotly) You mean _my_ Eva! And who the hell let that... that
BRUTE take _my_... (expression goes blank)

John: (remembered voice-over) They were there first, Asuka.

Asuka: (thinking) We were tired today.

John: (remembered voice-over) Try "because I'm not cooperating with it."

Asuka: (thinking) We used our ki to boost our synch ratio... (out loud)
Toji, do you... what is it like... when you synchronize with your Eva?

Toji: (obviously confused) What is it like?

Asuka: Yeah. What happens? How do you feel?

Toji: Well...

[Both Shinji and Asuka lean forward to hear his answer.]

[The Author fervently prays he won't wind up copying more dialog from
Song of the Soul.]

Toji: First, there's light. It's really... messy. All colors and shapes,
but nothing that you can see--you can't tell one from the other. Then
things get... sharper, and right then, there's a kind of double-vision.
It's like I'm in two places at once, doing two things at once. Then
everything's normal, and I'm sitting in the Eva. That's it. Why?

[Asuka and Shinji exchange a Meaningful Look(tm).]

Asuka: It's the same for us.

[Shinji gives her a covert "are you INSANE?!" look. She shrugs in
response.]

Asuka: (mouthing silently to Shinji) I'll tell you later.

Toji: Hey, that big guy--Mucha?--he mentioned something about Aida's
"eminent doom." Any idea what he's talking about?

Asuka: Knowing him, probably a large explosion.

Shinji: I wonder where the Americans are. I haven't seen them all day.

Asuka: You can track them on your Mini-MAGI, you know.

Toji: Really? That's pretty sweet. Can it double as a cell-phone?

Asuka: Nope. Only NERV frequencies.

[Asuka taps her Mini-MAGI and begins showing off some programs. We fade
out as the conversation moves into the realm of pointless banter no
longer needed to pad this episode's length.]

----------

[The next day, in the Goons' Flying--uh, their apartment, place...
thingy. The front door slides open, admitting a dozen or so massive bags
with a classic "I <heart> Okinawa" logo boldly printed on them. Jared
follows the bags inside. He's wearing a Osaka Tigers jersey that has his
name on the back, and the number "69" on the front, matched to a pair of
faded Levi jeans. A black cap with the "I <heart> Okinawa" logo matching
the bags, keeps his wild hair under something near control.]

Jared: < ^_^ > Hey guys! I'm back!

Andy: (uncommunicative grunt) ...

John: (without looking up from his lunch) What took you?

Jared: (oblivious) What do you mean? I came back a day early. (drops the
bags and scoops up the others in a hug) I missed you guys!

John & Andy: < -_- > Let. Go.

[He does so, idly dodging the mad swipes Andy makes at him as he backs
away, and starts rummaging through the bags.]

John: (holding Andy by the collar) Where's the ice cream?

Jared: < o_0 > Ice cream? What ice cream?

John: Jared, think carefully. Why did you leave in the first place?

Jared: ...

Jared: ...

Jared: ...

Jared: ... < 0_0 > (claws at the heavens) I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING!

Misato: (from next door) Keep it down! I've got a late shift tonight!

Jared: (at the wall separating them from apartment 724) SORRY! (to his
"friends") Anyway, I got you guys stuff!

John & Andy: (completely without enthusiasm of any kind) Yay.

[Over the next twenty seconds, Jared empties two of his twelve bags on
John and Andy. They are coated in a variety of novelty T-shirts, wearing
propeller beanies, holding "I <heart> Okinawa" mugs, ornate miniature
Chinese dragon figurines, decorative shot glasses, and an array of
postcards. Andy gets a miniature pagoda, complete with miniature ninja
figurines and a pop-up missile battery, all 1/12th scale. John receives
a large key with the kanji for "Okinawa" embossed onto the side. Andy
gets a novelty map of ancient Okinawa and a poster of different kinds of
fish that can be caught in off the coast. John is given a piece of wood
with a label identifying it as part of an ancient Karate dojo, a mirror
with an I-Ching design, and a Chinese New Year's dragon costume.
Numerous other gifts, ranging from the bizarre to the insulting, finally
litter their forms.]

Jared: (pushing the other ten full bags of "gifts" down the hallway) I
hope you like 'em!

John & Andy: (completely without enthusiasm of any kind) Thanks.

[The... stuff is put away rather quickly, the games turned off, and a
round of regular 'Dew poured.]

Jared: So, what's goin' down?

John: The Twelfth.

Jared: Hm... that's a hard one.

Andy: Simple. Gather all of our existing nine hundred and ninety-two N2
mines and be prepared to detonate them once the Angel has swallowed
them.

Jared: We don't know if the Angel will even be the same thing.

John: I counter that argument. The Angels have been sticking fairly
close to their original forms. I suspect it will have the same
space-warping ability its... predecessor?

Andy: Archetype.

[Weird looks are directed at Andy.]

Jared: We can't rely exclusively on that! We've altered this universe
too much.

Andy: (suspicious look at Jared) Agreed, son of Waddell. We should just
use the mines. (blinks) Why haven't we done that yet?

[John and Jared give Andy the usual look.]

Andy: What?

John: We've wrecked enough of the city, Mucha.

Jared: What about equipping the Evas with a device to counter the
Angel's reality-shifting properties?

Andy: Yes, a device to invert the inversion, make the Angel real, and
allow us to conquer it using conventional weapons! (to Jared) And quit
stealing my ideas!

[Jared shrugs helplessly, which only serves to raise Andy's blood
pressure a few dozen points.]

John: I like that idea, but what will it take to assemble such a
device? You two have already wasted much valuable time. The Evas are all
repaired. It could attack any day now.

Jared: Hold the phone, chicken little. I have an idea. We can affect AT
Fields directly using our ki, Right? And the Angel uses it's AT Field to
warp space-time. I propose that we practice a counter-warp technique
that can work inside the Evas. Then we all stay in different parts of
the city so that the Angel can't swallow all three of us at the same
time. Whoever is left jumps in their Eva, reverses the fold, and we take
it out as Andy suggests.

[Andy glares at Jared for coming up with a good idea.]

John: That's a terrible idea. How could we ever learn how to do that?
You have a handy space-time warping device you haven't told us about?

Jared: No, of course not. I'm saying we can master a technique so we
won't have to build one!

John: ... What's that going to take?

[Jared enters Deep Thought for a moment, then retrieves a single sheet
of paper from the depths of the laboratory and places it on the table.
Then he puts his hand over it, fingers extended and palm down. There is
the sense of _something_ focusing on the paper, then the edges curl up
of their own accord.]

John: Nice trick, how's that going to help us?

Jared: (still thinking) It won't. That's just a demonstration of the
concept. It would take months, if not years, to master a technique to
warp the universe itself. That is, assuming it's even possible.

[Andy puts his hand over the paper.]

John: Until a few months ago, it was impossible for anyone to throw ki
blasts.

Jared: (not listening) Hmm... Andy, are you sure you know what you're
doing?

Andy: Bah! Let me show you how it is done, mortal!

[Andy's eyes focus intently on the dead tree, but the sense of
something... otherworldly focusing on the paper is not nearly as strong.
After several minutes of grunting, the paper refuses to budge.]

John: (takes Andy's position) Step aside.

[John, without putting his hand over the paper, looks at. Andy stares at
his hand for a while, then glares at Jared, who is again lost in
thought.]

[Moments pass in silence.]

John: I can't see how you did it.

Jared: You can't do your copycat thing?

John: (shrugs) Perfectly, but I can't scale up the power, nor apply it
to warping space unless you can first.

Jared: And if I can, there's no need to use it. (gets teary-eyed) Well,
there goes my Great Plan.

John: (pats Jared warmly on the back) That's okay; it never had a chance
away. Stillborn and DOA, from a diseased mind--

Jared: Hey, now.

John: (continuing) Crippled from the womb, misshapen and shunned. Never
had a chance--

Jared: Watch it, buddy.

John: (continuing) Euthanized, put down like the diseased carcass it
is--

Jared: Hey!

Andy: (musing) A Fatal Flash my have the power to--

John: But I _want_ the world to be here when we're done, Mucha!

Andy: (pouting) Spoil sport!

[Jared resumes looking at the paper speculatively.]

John: There's gotta be something we can do about this one.

Andy: (jerking a thumb in the Jared's direction) Why don't we just throw
him in?

[John glares at Andy, who glared at Jared before throwing his hands in
the air and stalking to his room.]

John: That's the best you can come up with?

Jared: (shrugs) That's about all there is to do. The Twelfth doesn't
have much in the way of weaknesses.

John: Subject change, what's up with Andy and you?

Jared: You mean him choking on the fetid waters of his own despair under
the humiliating bridge of his crushing defeat?

John: ... What does that even mean?

Jared: No idea. I think Andy wants to resume... The Duel.

[Thunder crashes across a cloudless sky. The creepy old man in 622
hammers some ominous notes out of his pipe organ.]

John: ... If this ends up anything like that mess in the park back home,
I am going to break every bone in your body, and then hand you over to
the Major for a proper ass-kicking. Consider that a Promise.

Jared: Consider it Considered. This will be nothing like the Park
Incident.

John: I... won't take your word for it.

[Andy leaves via the window.]

John: (musing aloud) Psycho Sensei?

[Jared shrugs.]

Jared: It'll re-grow.

John: Life-less! Rocky! Plain!

Jared: (weak smile) It'll eventually re-grow?

[John snorts in disgust, then stands.]

John: I'm going to finish my game.

[Jared sighs and takes to the skies via the balcony.]

----------

[A short while later, in the Eva Graveyard. Andy Mucha enters through
one of the access doors, cursing the lack of a proper ventilation duct.
His ramblings die out once he turns on a few lights. For the next
fifteen minutes, he stands on one of the catwalks and contemplates the
many not-dead, not-alive things laid out on the floor of the immense
room.]

----------

[That evening, Jared is working his way out of the lower levels of
NERV.]

Jared: (mumbling to himself) Well, now I know the research department
doesn't have anything... (words drown out by the air conditioning)

[He pauses before yet another nondescript elevator, his "uniform" of
black-on-black ruffling slightly in the breeze. While Jared looks for
the ventilation duct blowing on him, the doors open. He steps inside,
completely oblivious to the fact that the elevator is occupied.]

Rei: excuse me, wa--

Jared: (pressed up against the wall opposite the elevator, pointing two
Desert Eagle Action Express .50 pistols at the girl standing in the
supposed-to-be-empty elevator) Don't DO that!

Rei: (in the elevator) why not?

Jared: (reluctantly putting his away his firearms) Because at this rate,
you'll likely end up in the hospital with a pound of AP ammo replacing
some internal organs.

[So....]

Jared: ... Eheheheheheheheh...

Rei: ...

Rei: ...

Jared: Little joke there.

Rei: ...

Rei: ...

Rei: ...

Jared: Did you want something?

Rei: (steps off the elevator a half-second before the doors close) who
are you?

Jared: I am the Second Goon, chosen by the Winds of Fate, the Power of
Dew, and perhaps, just perhaps, a man named Hideaki Anno. I am here to
kick ass and look cool. Any questions?

Rei: you didn't answer my first one.

Jared: I'm sorry, dear. You need to go deeper than just that if you want
more than the back-of-the-video-box explanation.

Rei: (blinks) ...

Jared: (sighs the Sigh of the Doomed) Let's start from the beginning:
What did I do?

Rei: ...

Jared: ...

Rei: you didn't answer my question.

Jared: Who am I?

Rei: ...

Jared: (sighs) I appreciate the attention, I really do. But... this is
not a subject I feel comfortable discussing with you.

Rei: ...

Jared: You're not gonna cry now, are you?

Rei: ...

Jared: (punches the elevator button) Well, I guess that's that.

[The elevator doors open a second later, admitting the Goon. He turns
to face the first child, who still stands in the hall, watching him.]

Jared: (looks around the empty elevator; sighs; holds out a piece of
candy) C'mere, little girl...

[That is SO wrong, even though it's not meant to be.]

----------

[A dozen levels up, and a few minutes later, Jared and Rei enter a NERV
cafeteria. Extras run for cover. Goon and clone casually make their
selections and sit down with food, and no-one is dead yet.]

Jared: What's up, Rei? I mean, seriously.

Rei: (English) nothing.

Jared: (polite golf-clap) Impressive. Ready to try it out on John?

Rei: ... maybe.

Jared: So, what's up?

Rei: who are you?

Jared: Is that it? I thought you were going to mess with my head.

Rei: i just want to know who you are.

Jared: You can probably get access to my file easily enough. Is there...
something else you'd like to know? Something... private?

Rei: i just want to know who you are.

Jared: This is getting old.

Rei: you almost never talk to me.

Jared: You almost never put out.

Rei: ... who are you?

Jared: What?! What is with that! I'm Jared! If that's not enough, be
more specific!

Rei: i want to get to know you. genoni-oniisan gave me a list of
questions i should ask you if i do not make progress on my own.

Jared: I'm hearing warning bells, girl.

Rei: will you answer a few questions?

Jared: WARNING BELLS!

Rei: ...

Jared: With the ringing!

Rei: ...

Jared: Fine! But don't blame me if someone gets killed!

Rei: ...

Jared: ...

Rei: ...

Jared: ...

Rei: ...

Jared: What?

Rei: is that a yes?

Jared: Yes!

Rei: (pumps a fist in the air) alright. (pulls out her notebook and
begins reading questions from it, making notes as Jared answers) what do
you fear?

Jared: Waking up one day and finding that humanity has been reduced to
thin orange goo.

Rei: who do you love?

Jared: (big grin) I have enough love for everyone.

Rei: what was her name?

Jared: ... You're a prying, devious little sneak. (points at a cinnamon
roll on Rei's plate) You gonna finish that?

[Rei imitates a growling dog. Granted, her form of a growl would turn a
pitbull on amphetamines into a narcoleptic sloth, but Jared withdraws
his hand anyway.]

Rei: are you happy?

Jared: In the immediate gratification sense, no. I'm quite tired and
you're holding a cinnamon roll that poets write about hostage. In the
long-term, satisfied with my life sense, sort-of.

Rei: where do you see yourself in five years?

Jared: Probably in pose #317. Gotta dislocate a few back vertebrae
first, but once you get moving, your partner's breasts... you know what,
I don't care if you're a clone of Shinji's mom with phenomenal God-like
powers, you're too young to hear about position 317. Umm... I see myself
poised to drag my friends back to reality yet again and defeat an
ultimate evil born of our carelessness years ago, and yadda yadda yadda,
or something along those lines.

Rei: why are you fighting mucha?

Jared: Who says I'm fighting him? < ^_^ > I maintain that people keep
attacking me for no good reason and I'm just defending myself in the
most peaceful way possible.

Rei: if you were a plant, what kind of plant would you be?

Jared: A cactu--a very pretty flower.

Rei: why a cactus?

Jared: Grr... (to himself) I must be more exhausted than I thought.
Fucking jet-lag. (to Rei) Look, I said flower, so--

Rei: you were about to say cactus.

Jared: ... Let's call it a flowering cactus.

Rei: ...

Jared: (sighs) Okay, I'd want to be a flowering cactus so women can fawn
over me all day... and they don't have to worry about watering me too
much. I don't want to be a burden.

Rei: ...

Jared: Next. Question.

Rei: why have you not tried to sleep with me?

Jared: < o_0 > I... I... (leans in and whispers to Rei conspiratorially)
Because I kind of think of you like a little sister, and I'm just not
wired to fuck family, ok? I think we all--Andy and John and myself, of
course--think of you as a kind of little sister. I protect you, Andy is
bugged by you, and John is teaching you about the big bad world. Or
something. Gee, where did that needless exposition come from?

[*cough*]

Rei: (flips to the next page in her notebook) what is your favorite
color?

Jared: Blue.

Rei: how many pairs of socks do you own?

Jared: Several.

Rei: would you kill a man over cheese?

Jared: Depends on the man.

Rei: how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck
wood?

Jared: A wood chuck would chuck as much wood as a wood chuck could
chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood.

Rei: what is a rough approximation of pi?

Jared: Twenty-two over seven.

Rei: did you love her?

Jared: Of course I loved her! I threw away an entire life for her! I
lived for her! I'm here in her memory! (pauses) Sorry, that was uncalled
for.

Rei: it's okay.

Jared: (weird look at the girl) ...

Rei: what do you think of Asuka?

Jared: (melancholy sigh) ...

Rei: what is the secret to cold fusion?

Jared: (this-is-obvious-to-any-idiot) Getting rid of the scientists.
(irritated) Is there a _point_ to this?!

Rei: if you could change one thing in the past, any one thing at all,
what would it be?

Jared: I accept the past. I wouldn't change anything.

Rei: if you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?

Jared: Spend it.

Rei: on what?

Jared: Something that costs a million dollars.

Rei: ... like what?

Jared: Fuck, I don't know.

Rei: ...

Jared: ...

Rei: ... (looks at the questions, sighs) i still don't know who you are.

[Jared rises up in his seat, surrounded by a glowing red aura. His eyes
burn with hellfire as he fixes his incendiary gaze upon the pale girl on
the other side of the table. The tableau holds for a moment, then the
Goon deflates into his seat.]

Jared: Rei, you can't just ask a bunch of silly questions and "know"
somebody. The answers you write down have nothing to do with the person.
They're just words. If you want to know somebody, pay attention to the
person. Observe, learn... well, okay. That hasn't worked out so well for
you in the past. But this (points at the notebook) this is like a
mind-game that John is playing with you. It pisses me off to see that he
knows so little about human relations and he's still trying to teach
you-- (closes his mouth as his eyes go wide in realization; under his
breath) That sneaky son of a bitch.

Rei: ...

Jared: ...

Rei: ...

Jared: (speculatively) Rei, have you ever grabbed a sturdy wooden stick
and used it to violently hit a small, fast-moving object inside of a
metal cage?

Rei: ... i do not think so.

Jared: Very well! (power pose) To the batting cages, then! For
refreshments! For fun! For _good_ conversation!

[And lo, did Rei learn about handling shafts and balls!]

[Sorry, you didn't deserve that. But seriously, in a scene with Jared?
What did you expect?]

----------

[The next day, a sunny Friday, the Goons arrive in their office one at a
time. Jared shows up first, sporting numerous bandages. Andy comes in
ten minutes later, glares murderously at Jared for five minutes, then
ignores him for another twenty until John arrives and regals the captive
(read: he tied them up so the won't fight with each other or interrupt
his story) pair with tales of daring and enduring that chronicle his
Journey to The Office.]

John: (finishing) ... and that was pretty much that.

Andy: (tossing aside his ropes, chains, and wards) Good thing that pay
phone was nearby.

Jared: (pulling off his Hannibal Lecter getup) So, that's why you were
so long in getting here.

John: (eyes Jared) Yep. So... what's with the bruises?

Jared: It turns out batting cage proprietors swear revenge blood-oaths
on those who harm their livelihood.

[Jared glances at Andy, who turns his nose up and grunts. John shrugs.]

John: Well, anyway, I'd really like to know who keeps playing with the
power system...

[The two younger Goons both stare at Andy.]

Andy: What? Ritsuko set up those fucking booby traps!

Jared: No, they're wired separately. But on a related note, John, I'm
amazed you haven't taken to using one of those things as your chosen
bizarre martial arts weapon.

Andy: What things?

John: (rubbing the bridge of his nose) This ought to be good.

[With a grin, Jared grabs the phone from his desk, pulls out about five
feet of cord, then begins swinging the device around his head like a
sling shot. The other Goons duck on the first pass and remain crouched
on the floor. Andy is taking notes; John is wondering what to have for
dinner. It is Friday, after all.]

Jared: (near Lecture Mode) See, it's all in the wrist!

[At that moment, fate (me) intervenes. Shinji opens the door, marching
straight into the office, his mouth open and about to ask something of
the Goons.]

[THWAK!]

[THUD.]

Andy: (as if finally understanding a great mystery) So _that's_ what
those strange devices are for...

John: (glares at Andy, but talks to Jared) Jared. Please. Do not. Kill.
The Main Character.

Jared: (looking at the dented phone thoughtfully) Hmm... he didn't even
have a chance to whine.

[John looks tempted to agree with Jared, but shakes off the feeling and
gets down to business with the unconscious Shinji propped in the closet
(again).]

John: So, we've got some important matters to attend to here. For
starters, how goes the plans to defeat the Twelfth Angel?

Jared: I've got a new idea.

John: Let's hear it.

Jared: It isn't finished yet.

John: That's okay. Tell us what you have so far.

Jared: We beat it up.

John: ... How?

Jared: I haven't figured that out yet. But we do it without dealing with
its field.

John: (coldly) Great.

Jared: Well, the Angel has a physical body. Once we get at it, killing
it shouldn't prove much of a problem.

Andy: Yes, simple plans are the best. The complex a plan, the more...
fragile it becomes.

John: Hm... well, I guess that makes sense. (offers Jared a doggy
biscuit) Good boy.

Jared: Thanks, but I have to be going. Kensuke gets his orientation
today.

John: Oh, that's right. We get to break the news to him. I'll have the
ID camera ready and everything. Andy, you got the informational packet?

[Andy holds up a thick envelope with the kanji "WELCOME TO NERV" stamped
on the side in red ink.]

John: (Mr. Burns style) Excellent.

----------

[A short while later, Jared has indeed arrived at Kensuke's home, and
found the newest Eva pilot available. Stopping to hit on Mrs. Aida only
fifty or sixty times, he eventually ushers Kensuke outside and to the
parking garage holding his AV-7 plated car.]

Jared: Dude, your mom is _hot_.

Kensuke: Don't talk about her like that!

Jared: (Pshaw!) Don't your want your surprise?

Kensuke: Am I going to pilot an Evangelion?

Jared: Don't be silly. You haven't got the--

[Jared's Mini-MAGI starts beeping. An alarm wails in the distance.]

Kensuke: An Angel!

Jared: The Twelfth!

Kensuke: Of course, can I--

Jared: (BDE) The city is under attack!

Kensuke: Heh. (kinda, sorta, almost Badly Dubbed English) To our Evas!

Jared: Fine. Whatever. (throwing Kensuke into the passenger seat of the
red American automobile) We'll take my car!

Kensuke: (protesting) I don't want to die before I pilot a giant robot!

Jared: (getting in) They're not--oh never mind.

[With an unearthly roar, the car comes alive. Hands a blur, Jared works
the now highly complex controls, setting the car for very conventional
(albeit high speed) travel. Under other circumstances, he would have
simply dropped Aida at a shelter and flown to NERV.]

[But today was a great day for driving, and with everybody in the
shelters, the roads wouldn't be crowded with those slow-moving obstacles
known as the public. Besides, he _had_ been shot at by forces unknown
while flying and wasn't eager to repeat the experience without the time
to properly hunt down and skin his assailants alive.]

[Or he could just be having a "blond" moment, or something. You never
know with these guys.]

[Jared lays down a patch and rockets onto the partially deserted street.
The only person that can be seen is running away, up against the next
apartment building, on the sidewalk, as far away from the road as
possible.]

Jared: GET OUT OF THE WAY!

[After dodging across two lanes, between five parked cars, two light
poles, jumping the curb, side-swiping a mailbox and running over a
discarded sign reading "The End is Near," Jared just misses the random
pedestrian by about an inch.]

Kensuke: < 0_0 > Could you drive on the road please!

Jared: (as if this is an excuse) I'm in a hurry!

[Jared is relentless with the throttle, and the modified Chevelle's
engine seems to enjoy the abuse. The harder Jared pushes the gas pedal,
the better the car seems to handle. However, the transmission whines
like a kicked puppy until Jared screams a curse at it. He works his way
up a series of virtually deserted side-streets, avoiding a set of
shelter entrances and busier commercial locations that are jammed with
civilians desperate to get out of harm's way.]

----------

[Route 32 runs North-South a few dozen blocks east of Misato's apartment
complex. Jared turns North, merging onto the 506 turnpike that dives
through the eastern residential area right where it becomes a sunken
freeway. With a hearty shove on the gas, the red bullet is soon doing
better than a buck fifty. Seized by a sudden sense of deja vu, Jared
dons a crash-helmet with a certain highly recognizable symbol stenciled
on it.]

Jared: (hunched over the steering wheel) This is Red two, I'm going in!

Kensuke: (white-knuckling the dash) What the fuck are you talking about?

Jared: Doesn't this look familiar to you?

[Over the rush of wind in the enclosed freeway, and the echo of 454
cubic inches of Detroit steel, the sound of a helicopter can just be
heard. Jared cocks his head to the side.]

Jared: The turbo-lasers... they've stopped! Buckle down!

[Apparently, Kensuke has never seen Star Wars. Pity. Jared begins to
jink across the surface of the road, a questionable course of action at
best, since this road is enclosed with solid concrete walls.]

----------

[In the black, unmarked attack helicopter above...]

Pilot: (smirking) The Force is strong with this one...

Co-Pilot: What are you talking about?

Pilot: Old movie. Can you get a lock on him?

Co-Pilot: Negative. I can't even get a reading on him.

Pilot: Go to manual.

Co-Pilot: Roger.

Pilot: Fire when ready. And don't call me Roger.

----------

[When twenty millimeter bullets start hitting the road near the
Chevelle, Jared doesn't stop to analyze the situation. He stands on the
highly modified brakes and whips the wheel to the right in what appears
to be a suicide move. Instead of going into an uncontrolled spin at
150mph, though, the Chevelle instead drops to a sane 80mph and is
directed deftly up a very, very short off-ramp. Hey, the posted speed
limit is 60kph, you do the math. With another flick of his wrist, Jared
catapults the massive car into another barely-controlled skid that lines
it up with one of the many cross-walks that pass over the sunken
freeway. The tires don't even come to a stop as he steps on the gas
again and sends the car rocketing down a random alley at highway
speeds.]

Jared: (idly, with one hand on the wheel) The 600-series of elevators
are out here. I think they're at the bottom of a--

[The car is airborne for a second, then crashes down to earth.]

Jared: --hill.

[The car sails briefly through the air again, then the brakes are
applied, bringing it to a halt in front of what appears to be a small
repair shop. The road ahead slopes down for another half-mile or so,
with a large construction site near the bottom. Jared looks at the sign
in front of the garage.]

Jared: Nope. We're (checks his Mini-MAGI while helicopter sounds get
louder) ten blocks off?!

[The gas is applied liberally once again as the attack chopper clears
the buildings behind them. This time, Jared's swerving takes up all of
his concentration. Each bump against the curb, tire-squealing turn, and
brief landing threatens to up-end the car. Four blocks from the bottom
of this hill, and their elevator, he hits the trifecta--hitting a curb
while landing and trying to put the car into another sharp swerve. The
front tire, now caught on the curb, effectively flips the car over and
sends it down the rest of the hill like a bowling ball.]

Jared & Kensuke: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Round and round and round they go, where they'll stop, nobody knows!]

[But stop they do, abruptly landing on all four wheels directly in front
of the book store facade that should be Access Elevator 614. Jared steps
out of the car, walking face-first into the pavement. Kensuke opens the
door, but elects to wait until the world stops spinning before getting
out.]

Jared: This street could use a good scrubbing. And some salt. (stands up
to inspect their location and his ride) YES! Not a scratch! (Ace
Ventura-style) Liiiiiike a glllooove.

[It's true. The Chevelle is amazingly unharmed. Well, there's some
scuffing on the tires, but those are replaced as quickly as he wrecks
the car, so...]

Kensuke: (shakily standing up) This is the elevator?

Jared: (grabbing Kensuke and dancing through a jig with him) I'm a
genius! The car is un--

[Then Kensuke ralphs on Jared's shoes. A second later, more 20mm rounds
start tearing apart the street.]

Jared: (dashing for the elevator) I can't get a break, can I?

[In response, the chopper turns its guns on the elevator, reducing it to
rubble. Snarling, Jared aims an open palm at the helicopter.]

Jared: Kamehameha!

[The blast rips through the cockpit in a flash of blue and blows the
machine into lots of pretty flaming bits that litter the street.]

Jared: What a shame. I was looking forward to the interrogation.
Kensuke, are you okay?

Kensuke: (now standing on his own) Yeah, just... I'm not a fan of roller
coasters and stuff.

Jared: (thinking) And you want to pilot an Eva?

[Jared sighs, checks the sky for additional attackers, and looks at the
wrecked store.]

Jared: Stay here. If I'm not back in five minutes, come make sure I
haven't fallen asleep.

[He marches into the store and quickly locates the elevator near the
rear, however, there isn't a proper elevator car... or a shaft. Fuming,
he spends a minute checking his Mini-MAGI.]

Jared: Andy and John are occupied. And this thing... isn't finished?!
Shit! FUCK!

[He exits and gives Kensuke the bad news.]

Jared: The elevator's not done, Kenny.

Kensuke: Why don't you just blast a new hole?

Jared: (sarcastic) Oh yeah, that's a great idea! Let's BLAST A HOLE
through NERV's armor in the MIDDLE OF AN ANGEL ATTACK. Yeah, they'll
LOVE that.

Kensuke: Why don't we just fly there?

Jared: Yeah, why don't we?

John: (over Mini-MAGI) Jared, are you there?

Jared: (bad Mexican accent) No man, Jose es gone loco man.

John: (over Mini-MAGI) Funny. That was a false alarm. We're not sure how
the system got activated, and we're looking into it. Why don't you bring
Kensuke in--without the usual theatrics.

Jared: Sorry man, someone in a black helicopter was just shooting at me.

John: (over Mini-MAGI) ... You were driving your "car" again, weren't
you? Look, I'm going to let the civies stew for a bit. That should keep
you from killing dozens while I'm occupied. Don't go destroying the
world on me.

Jared: No problem, boss! I'll touch you later. (turns the Mini-MAGI off)
Hey, Kensuke. We aren't going to die horribly today.

Overly-Muscled Biker Gang Leader: (OS) That remains to be seen.

----------

[Meanwhile, in Central Dogma.]

John: (turning off the comm. on his Mini-MAGI) Well, I'm taking bets.

Maya: On what?

John: How much damage he does before we stand down from this alarm.

Andy: (poking his head out of a nearby vent) I could go up there and
straighten him out!

John: I'm not leaving the two of you alone for five minutes again! Go
work on your Eva or something!

Andy: (giddy) Can do!

----------

[Back where the action is, two rubber monkeys go at it with...]

[MOTHER OF--! Wrong action! Wrong action!]

[Okay, here we go. Jared and Kensuke find their ride surrounded by no
less than fifty tough-looking tough guys wearing tough leather, hardened
chains, and one guy in a soft, spiffy crushed velvet suit. A variety of
highly modified Harley Davidsons and clones are sprinkled here and there
between the rowdy gang members. The leader, a behemoth of a man standing
nine and a half feet tall and thickly muscled from forehead to toenails,
bellows at Jared through a mouthful of beer-stained teeth.]

O-MBGL: You wrecked my ride, man!

[Jared's gaze pans over to the motorcycle crushed under the remains of
the attack helicopter he just blasted out of the sky.]

Jared: Whatever. I've places to go, people to do--

O-MBGL: No! You've gotta race me!

Jared: You don't want a fight?

O-MBGL: There's not a woman involved. You wrecked my bike. I want you
humiliated, and I want your car as compensation!

Jared: Can't we just swap insurance information?

[Oh, the bad rhymes! OH THE HUMANITY!]

O-MBGL: (thundering) NO.

Jared: Okay, okay. I'm just asking.

O-MBGL: I challenge you... to Race or Die.

Crowd: Oooh...

[A Dramatic Wind blows through the scene, fanning the flames around the
helicopter's remains.]

Jared: (totally unimpressed) So, I race...

O-MBGL: ... or DIE!!!

[On cue, the many bikers draw automatic weapons. But they are drawing on
a Jared-shaped cloud of dust. Jared is already halfway to a sturdy-
looking machine in the nearby construction site, Kensuke's body flapping
behind him like a flag in the wind. As he passes the giant metal
earth-mover, the bikers open up and tracer rounds light up the air.
Jared pauses just long enough to pull both of the vehicle's emergency
brakes, then dashes behind cover.]

[Bullets begin chipping away at the pile of soil they are crouched
behind, but Jared and Kensuke are as cool as cucumbers.]

Kensuke: (sarcastic) What now, Great Leader?

[In response, Jared raises an open palm to the earth mover and
concentrates. Imperceptibly at first, it creeps forward. First inches,
then feet. After a few yards he opens his eyes and catches his breath.
The mover is now moving on its own, heading down the street with
increasing speed. The small arms fire ricochets harmlessly off its
100,000-pound chassis.]

[Once they realize what effect they're having on it, the bikers
scatter.]

Jared: (smirking at Kensuke) For the Great Leader's next trick, He will
solve world hunger. But first, that RX-A....

[The pair quickly jogs up to a car that is a virtual duplicate of
Misato's ride at the beginning of the canon series, except for its
bright red color. It's hot-wired and sending them back towards the
nearest highway in less than a minute. Unfortunately, the bikers have
re-grouped and follow them onto the five-lane main highway.]

[Cue "Mona Lisa Overdrive" from the Matrix Reloaded soundtrack.]

[The little red car is quickly swarmed by the faster motorcycles. Jared
begins using his (slight) mass advantage, knocking bikers aside and
clipping tires with his "m4d driving skillz."]

Kensuke: (hanging on for dear life) You know, for once I'm glad that you
drive like a maniac.

Jared: (concentrating on the road) Even the flood and the wildfire have
purpose. Even they can bring good. Not all that nature breeds is
disaster.

Kensuke: < 0_0; > Uh, Morihei, there's a big truck up there. Are you
aiming for it?!

Jared: (calmly, as he jerks on the wheel as if trying to snap it in two)
Yes.

[Tires squeal, generic bikers bite the dust, sparks fly, the author runs
out of analogies and the RX-A comes to a stop sideways, mere inches from
the rear end of a semi trailer parked in the middle of this highway.
Jared leaps out of the sports car with Kensuke in tow, and tears the
trailer door open while the bikers circle the mess.]

----------

[Andy enters the Eva Graveyard, looking rather pleased with himself. He
scans the entire room, and seeing nothing out of the ordinary, pulls out
an obnoxiously cute book.]

[He then begins to power up. After a moment, he's less than a meter
tall. A large, unbearably cute headdress is quickly slapped on his head,
a podium erected, various items laid out, and soon the Book is open to
specific passage.]

[SCJ-Andy begins to chant.]

[Somewhere on the surface, thunder rumbles.]

----------

[Misato paces the Command Deck, diligently trying to stop worrying... or
wear a hole in the floor.]

Misato: Status!

Shiegeru: Diagnostics still running. No anomalies.

Makoto: Still no inbound warnings for the observatories. And Tokyo-3 is
still intact.

John: (sipping some spiked coffee) Didn't I say it's a false alarm,
Mis-chan?

Misato: (ignoring the voice of reason) Where's that construction crew?

Maya: Sub-level two. Nothing to report yet.

[Misato stops her pacing long enough to fix John with a cold stare that
books no argument, and answers his question in a quiet voice, almost a
whisper.]

Misato: I just want to be sure.

----------

[Inside the random trailer, Kensuke and Jared strap themselves into yet
another car. This one, however, is a fully race-prepared vehicle done in
stylish red and white. Carbon fiber makes up all of the aerodynamic
surfaces and most of the body. The interior is as spartan as a jail
cell, its methodically single-purpose design apparent at a glance.]

Kensuke: Are we going to drive every car in Tokyo-3?

Jared: No, just the cool ones.

Kensuke: Do you know how--

[The unmuffled engine roars to life, and Jared grins his "Driving
Grin."]

Kensuke: Never mind.

[Jared stomps on the gas. With another frightening roar, the car
launches itself out of the open back of the trailer, sails over several
bikers, flattens several more, then runs into yet more, before executing
a flawless 360 degree tire-shredding spin and shooting back down the
highway the way the RX-A had come.]

[Of course, on the way out it rolls over one last biker and...]

[CRUNCH.]

Kensuke: (worried, and yelling over the engine noise) What was that?

Jared: (also worried, and also yelling over the engine noise) _That_ was
the sound of NERV's insurance premiums tripling.

Kensuke: What is this thing?

Jared: It's a rally car.

Kensuke: < o_0 > Which means?

Jared: That means it's built for off-road racing!

[Suiting action to words, Jared veers off down an on-ramp, bikers in hot
pursuit. He takes two quick turns and quite suddenly has them zooming
through a large inner-city park. Kensuke begins screaming about
obstacles while Jared narrowly dodges them, many of the bikers failing
to copy the four-wheeled car's nimble moves with their smaller
two-wheeled vehicles.]

Kensuke: AAH! Dinosaur!

Jared: Check.

Kensuke: Clown!

Jared: Check.

Kensuke: Topless showgirl!

Jared: Where?!

[While Jared's looking out of the wrong window, the car clips a tree
while sliding sideways at around eighty miles per hour, misses a pond,
misses a baby playing with a beach ball, misses a mime--]

Jared: (watching the mime slip away unharmed) Damn!

Kensuke: (ditto) Double damn!

[--and skips over a short cliff, landing with a metal-rending BANG!]

Jared: Ow. (long pause) Let me pull my head out from between my shoulder
blades.

[He does so, then fiddles with the controls for a few seconds, looking
puzzled when his actions only result in a faint grinding noise. He
sticks his head out of the space where his window used to be and sees
that both of the tires on his side are sitting at a 45 degree angle.]

Jared: Shit.

Kensuke: What?

Jared: We just lost the suspension.

Kensuke: How did you _lose_ the suspension?

Jared: Okay, I'll be honest with you. I may have slightly damaged
something.

Kensuke: Okay. (beat) What do you mean by "slightly damaged?"

Jared: Can you walk?

Kensuke: (sighs) I think you broke my butt.

Jared: (unbuckling) The phrase you're looking for is "busted your ass."

Kensuke: What. Ever. (gets out) I don't see any bikers around here.

[The business end of a semiautomatic handgun is pressed to Adia's
temple.]

Random Yakuza Thug #7.8512946735384 x 10^27: Good for you.

Jared: (to another thug, extra casual) Yeah, I'd like a quarter pounder
with cheese, two large fries, and a root beer to drink.

Yet Another Generic Thug: < -_- > No milk shake?

Jared: < ^_^ > I'm lactose intolerant.

YAGT: Ah. Get out of the car!

[Following the wary waving of firearms, Jared gets out of the car.]

Random Yakuza Thug #uh, whatever: (looking at Jared) I remember you.

Very Old Yakuza Thug: (glaring at a tree several yards away) He doesn't
look familiar to me!

Jared: (just realizing this) I can't recognize any of you. You're
generic extras. You don't pose a threat to me at all!

[Of the assembled, Kensuke seems the most surprised at this
declaration.]

Jared: (Austin Powers style) Judo chop! Judo chop!

[The two Yakuza fall easily to Jared's Cheesy Powerz. Then Jared pulls
off a shoe, and throws it at the old Yakuza thug. It bounces off the
back of his head with a comical "boing!" sound, knocking him out cold.
Jared turns turns to the last thug and fixes an arrogant stare upon
him.]

Jared: (flawless Michael Caine impression) You there, you don't even
have a name tag, do you?

[The thug pauses to look, and unsurprisingly, no name tag is present.]

Jared: (continuing) I'll bet you don't even have a speaking role.

[The thug nods.]

Jared: (continuing) Do you know how many anonymous henchmen I've killed
over the years? (ignores Kensuke's staring) What chance of defeating me
do you actually think you have? You'd better just lie down right there.

[Obediently, the thug does so.]

Kensuke: < 0_0 > (protesting) Hey! It doesn't work like that!

Jared: (as the four Yakuza rise to Kensuke's call) Damn you, Aida!

[This time Jared just grabs the nearest Yakuza, breaks a few joints, and
uses him as a shield while gunning down the others. When he's finished,
he breaks his shield's neck and drops the body at his feet.]

Jared: (pointing at Kensuke) And _you_ had better keep your mouth _shut_
next time!

[Audibly, Kensuke closes his mouth, while Jared searches the bodies for
keys.]

----------

[Supplemental Computing Center 1 has an access room about the size of a
walk-in closet. It isn't seen much in the cannon Evangelion series, but
from what is shown, I can make the following observations: It's cold,
it's full of machines with glowing lights, and it's cold. Ritsuko's
here, dressed in a heavy winter coat and snow pants w/ matching boots,
tapping at a portable keyboard with red fingers that are about to get
frostbite. And that's all you need to know.]

Ritsuko: (into Mini-MAGI) D-block has no anomalies. I think we're
looking at an equipment failure.

John: (from Mini-MAGI) Then we'll kill the main alarms. I suggest we
leave the civilians where they're at for the moment, though. Jared's
about.

Ritsuko: (sarcastic) Great.

John: (from Mini-MAGI) He'll get here eventually, then I can erase
Aida's memory and skin Jared alive. I'll let you get back to work.

[Ritsuko clicks off without saying goodbye, and sighs.]

----------

[A massive black Cadillac, from the decade of decadent American excess
(the 80's! Woo! Remember the 80's?), sails over a sharp hill and lands
with a metal-rending crunch. In a different situation, under the
guidance of a different driver, this car might look majestic and move
with supernatural style iconic of a decade of a nation's dreams and
nightmares.]

[In Jared's hands, it's turned into a nearly-unguided metal missile
embodying the single-minded intent to get from point A to point B
regardless of what lies in between.]

Kensuke: They aren't falling back!

[Or of what follows closely behind, wielding automatic weapons.]

Jared: I see 'em, I see 'em!

[Bullets rake the side of the car as it nearly tips onto two tires
through a sharp right turn. Kensuke's eyes widen in terror. They've
entered the parking lot of a massive strip mall. As with all Japanese
parking lots, this one is only large enough for fifty or so cars. The
rest of the open plaza is designed to accommodate huge amounts of foot
and bicycle traffic. Jared grits his teeth, tightens his grip on the
wheel, glances at the rear-view to check on the Yakuza following them,
and throws caution into the wind.]

Kensuke: You aren't going to drive over--

[The wheels of the car burst as it jumps the curb and crosses onto the
foot path. Their pursuers follow without hesitation, but do manage not
to loose two tires per car.]

Jared: (swerving wildly and throwing sparks everywhere) Shitshitshit--

[They wind their way around the U-shaped plaza, Jared letting the Caddy
throw sparks on several flammable bits of random stuff while absorbing
as many bullets as possible. Finally he spies an alley and manages to
guide most of the car through the opening.]

Kensuke: < 0_0 > We just lost two doors!

Jared: Then we don't need 'em any more!

[The car clears the alley (really a walkway ending in a decorative
balcony over-looking a very high-end car dealership), smashes through
the barrier at the end, and sails into the air. Jared grabs the
panicking Kensuke's hand.]

Jared: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Kensuke: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Picture four thousand pounds of metal falling through a glass ceiling.
Yep, that's a good action shot. In slow motion. Oh yeah, baby... now
we're talking! This projectile lands on top of a Lotus Elise 120 (don't
bother looking it up; another fictional model), flattening the the
smaller vehicle.]

Jared: (noting they're several feet off of the ground) Oh, air brakes!

Kensuke: (a lot of white around his eyes) < 0_0 > Heh. Funny.

Jared: (opening the door and stepping into thin air) I thought so.

[A split-second later, Jared is spread eagle on the floor, spitting out
pieces of broken glass.]

Jared: Watch that first step, it's a doozy.

Kensuke: (peeking out of the Caddy) < 0_0 > Heh. Funnier.

Jared: (starts looking for an unlocked vehicle) C'mon, Bevis, those
Yakuza aren't going to assume we're dead from a little drop like that!

[Kensuke gingerly jumps out of the creaking Caddy, then looks up at the
hole they made and--]

Kensuke: Fire.

Jared: Yes, they'll open fire on us and--

Kensuke: No, the buildings are on fire.

Jared: Kensuke, this is no time for joking around. We need to find
another vehicle, (spies a door marked "Employees Only") or a way out of
here.

[Jared tries the door, finds it locked, and begins searching desks and
the manager's office for a set of keys.]

Jared: (muttering under his breath) For evacuating in a hurry, they're
pretty fuckin' thorough locking up.

----------

[Central Dogma, where Misato and John wait patiently for more news.]

Makoto: Major, there's a request coming through from the District 12
Fire Department. Apparently some alarms are going off in a shopping
center and they want to know if it's okay to investigate.

Misato: Do we have camera coverage of that area?

Makoto: No. _Someone_ detonated an N2 device inside of NERV and shorted
out fifty surface cameras.

Misato: (gritting her teeth) Yeah. Send them out, but see if we can get
them a government escort. There's no telling what trouble Jared's brewed
up. (to John) Why don't you--

John: (in lawn chair dressed for summer weather, sipping a pina colada
and covered by an umbrella) What? I'm going to take this moment for
myself and relax.

Misato: (closes her mouth) Asshole.

----------

[Back at the car dealership, Jared has found his way into a back room.
There's only a car under a tarp here, and a garage door to the outside.]

Jared: < ^_^ > Sweet! An exit. But what's this?

[Jared lifts a corner of the tarp and gasps.]

Kensuke: (eying the sirens closing in on the front door) What's what?

Jared: Oh yeah, we _have_ to take this.

Kensuke: (peeking through the door) That looks like the Fire
Department... and is that the military? Cool!

[Jared yanks the tarp to reveal a--]

----------

[Outside of the car dealership, a squad of soldiers cover the lower
street while fire fighters battle the flames on the second level of the
shopping center. One of them is looking into the dealership at the Caddy
parked on top of a Lotus.]

Soldier #72: I think we've got company.

Soldier #33: Base expected that. What's it look like?

Soldier #72: Well, that thing's so wrecked, I can't tell how many there
must be. I don't see anything insi--

[The roar of an unmuffled V-12 fills the air.]

Soldiers: What the hell?

[The garage door Jared had been eying opens to allow a McLeran F1 out.
Jared (unfortunately) sits in the driver's seat at the center, while
Kensuke is on his right. The younger boy waves in a daze as Jared deftly
threads the car between soldiers. Once he's past them, guns start to
come up. Jared stomps on the gas, and the low-slung super car dashes
forward like the thoroughbred it is. The soldiers are left coughing on
its exhaust and kicked-up dust.]

Soldier #33: I think we just witnessed something meaningful.

Soldier #72: Yep. That means it's time to saddle up.

----------

[Two city blocks away, the F1 comes to a perfect stop at the curb and
passenger and driver exit.]

Kensuke: Why are we getting out here?

Jared: (pointing to a blue BMW a few dozen feet away) We're changing
cars.

Kensuke: Why? You haven't wrecked this one... yet.

Jared: Exactly. That car is hard-core, built for the sole purpose of
racing, not wrecking. We're in a car chase, not on a racetrack. There's
no need to disgrace such precise engineering with our destructive
intentions.

Kensuke: (after a glance at the column of smoke from two blocks away)
Wow. You sound almost like you actually care about other people's stuff.

Jared: (breaking in the window of the BMW with his elbow) Don't expect
it to last.

----------

[Deep within NERV, SCJ-Andy checks the Book and finishes mixing a
dangerous concoction. A gout of red flame erupts from container,
illuminating the Graveyard with an eerie light.]

----------

[A blue BMW zooms down a freeway on-ramp, doing at least eighty over the
posted limit, and a forty over a sane one. Suffice to say, it's nothing
short of a miracle that the car makes it to the freeway proper on two
wheels. Following closely and with equal abandon is a collection of
choppers, several cop cars, a collection of exotic sports cars, a
limousine, two military troop carriers, and a cybernetic T-rex.]

Kensuke: Mecha Rex is gaining on us!

[Jared confirms this in the rear-view mirror before a stray bullet
shoots it off.]

Jared: Duly noted. Those bikes are going to gain on this up-hill as
well. Here's hoping my plan works.

[While Kensuke opens his eyelids wide enough for his eyeballs to
practically fall into his lap, Jared calmly puts a CD into the car's
built-in player and eyes the huge overpass/exchange/concrete knot in
front of them.]

Kensuke: < 0_0 > You have a plan?!

Jared: Hang on... let go of my hand, Kensuke. I need to change tracks.

[Jared doesn't so much as think of touching the brake as they approach a
sharp curve to the right. He does give the volume control a savage shove
as they close in on the center divider. The divider is a long piece of
concrete shaped roughly like a triangle. Hit at a modest speed (up a
hundred miles per hour, for instance), cars will smash into the barrier
but slide to a halt. Hit that same barrier at 150+ mph and you'll clear
it, sailing into oblivion like a missile clearing its launcher. This, of
course, is what Jared is currently demonstrating with the borrowed BMW.
The car's speakers start playing a certain well-known theme from a
series of famous movies made by George Lucas. Here's a hint: They
involve space.]

[The followers, Mecha Rex included, hit the barrier with their brakes
on. Motorcycles, you see, don't survive five-story falls like cars.]

Kensuke: (looking down upon Tokyo-3) Wow, you can see how much of the
city is wrecked from up here.

[Jared just nods before the hood dips down and the entire car follows,
falling out of the air and slamming nose-first into the ground at sixty
miles per hour. After coming to a stop, it slowly tips over, landing
solidly on the roof. Next to car fall the remains of most of the
pursuers, along with great chunks of the freeway. Domino-like, the rest
of the massive road splinters, cracks, and falls apart for miles away
from the junction.]

----------

[At the Command Deck, John is dry-swallowing some aspirin.]

Makoto: Okay, I've got confirmation. Technical group 34 found a
shorted-out wire. They're investigating right now.

John: Finally! Can we shut the damn alarm off now?!

Misato: Yes. Stand down!

Maya: Um... Pilot Waddell is at elevator #157.

John: (cracking knuckles) How considerate. I could really use a punching
bag right now. Set the elevator for ascent. I'll be at the landing in a
minute.

Misato: Why don't you just teleport to the surface directly?

John: (two fingers to his forehead) I feel the need for a Dramatic
Entrance coming on.

----------

[Jared and Kensuke slowly crawl out of wreck that used to be a car.]

Jared: (pointing excitedly) The elevator! The elevator!

Kensuke: (still holding on to part of the BMW's dash) < 0_0 > ...

Jared: Shit. (waves a hand in front Kensuke's face) I think I broke him.
Well, John should pop up any--

[An elevator's "ding!" interrupts him, and the doors of the Personal
Access Car open, revealing John. He walks out with a pissed-off
expression on his face, which only hardens into flinty anger as he takes
in the remains of the interchange and most of the freeway it was
attached to.]

John: What the fuck have you been-- (sees Kensuke) God damn it! We
haven't even put him in an Eva yet and you've already broken his brain?!

Jared: I know, new record! Next time I'll--URRRGKK!

John: (holding Jared in a Force Choke Hold) Not a word!

[Jared obligingly passes out. John drops the Goon, then pulls out his
neurolizer and flashes Kensuke with it.]

Kensuke: I! What?! Angel attack!

[John raises an odd, large, camera-like device and takes Kensuke's
picture with a blinding flash of light.]

Kensuke: Aaah!

John: Chill out, pilot. You just survived a stint in Jared's car.

Kensuke: Jared's car, but the last thing I remember was standing next to
his--

John: (fiddling with the device in his hands) People frequently block
traumatic events out of their memory... (under his breath) three...
two... one...

Kensuke: Holy shit! I'm a pilot?! A real Eva pilot?!

[John pulls something from the camera-ish device, something that looks
like--]

Kensuke: (receiving the object as one would a religious artifact) My own
NERV ID card...

[Indeed, though in the picture, he looks like a lobotomy patient.]

John: Congratulations. Unending psychological torment and ceaseless
physical pain are now yours for the low, low price of... your childhood.
Check out our weekly specials in the geofront! This week we're running--

Misato: (through John's Mini-MAGI) Genoni!

John: (irritated) What?

Misato: (via Mini-MAGI) If you want to see some psychological torment,
take Jared to the location I've marked on your Mini-MAGI's map.

John: (into Mini-MAGI) Great. (to Kensuke) Into the elevator, buddy.
Andy will meet you below and try to kill you.

Kensuke: You mean train me? ("manly" tone) I am prepared for him!

John: Fine. Go. (under his breath) That's what you think.

[John picks up his "friend," and appears at a construction site many
miles away. Slapping Jared awake, he stands the Goon on his feet.]

Jared: (yawning) That was a great nap, I dreamed I had this huge awesome
car chase that wrecked-- (sees the look on John's face) But that was
just a dream!

John: So you say. Tell me, what happened in this dream?

[Jared takes a deep breath, and recounts the harrowing tale of how he
and Aida finally (barely) made it to elevator #157.]

Jared: (finishing) And that was that. I sure didn't expect all that crap
when I picked up Aida.

John: Brilliant. (points at the huge yellow machine we last saw when
Jared was taking on those bikers) Now, what's this?

Jared: That's a Cat C-16 earth mover. New model. I--

John: And what's underneath it?

Jared: Underneath?

[The goon crouches and examines the pancaked car under the Cat's
treads.]

Jared: < 0_0 > NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
(echoes down the street) --OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
(echoes across Tokyo-3) --OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
(echoes between skyscrapers) --OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
(down a dusty mountain road) --OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
(across the beaches) --OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[Then John busts out the lead pipe.]

----------

[Ritsuko enters her office and slumps into her chair with a sigh. No
more than a second passes before her Mini-MAGI beeps plaintively.]

Ritsuko: Whaaaaat?

Andy: (over Mini-MAGI; VERY nervous) Umm... ah... Doctor Akagi?

Ritsuko: (under her breath) Fuck. (into the Mini-MAGI) What, Mucha?

Andy: (from Mini-MAGI) You need to come down to Test Cage 7.

Ritsuko: (suspicious) What did you do?

Andy: (from Mini-MAGI) I left a present here for you. I... kinda got
bored with it. I'm sure you can make use of it, though.

Ritsuko: Bored? Make use of what? (hears Andy click off) Hey! HEY!

[Ritsuko storms out of the room, rubbing her forehead.]

----------

[Jared opens his eyes lying in a bed in a very generic room of a NERV
hospital. Wincing, he rubs the back of his head.]

Jared: (thinking) And that would be a John headache. (out loud) Hmm...
I'm in another hospital room. Okay, let's see... one table, bed,
isolation curtain, monitoring equipment, IV. No clock... a ceiling I've
never seen before... (blinks) It IS an unfamiliar ceiling... I found it!
Yes! I've won the bet! IT DOES EXIST!!!

[It's when he leaps out of the bed triumphantly and powerposes in the
nude that a female nurse enters, screams, and the usual hi-jinks occur.]

----------

[Test Cage 7 looks exactly like every other test cage in NERV. Exactly
like the ones various Evangelions have gone 'psycho' in, both in the
canon series and this sprout o' insanity. Unsurprisingly, there is an
Evangelion in this cage. Very surprisingly, it wear no armor.]

[The beast appears even more emaciated than its cousins; little more
than an animated skeleton with a thin covering of black muscle fibers.
For the moment, it stands calmly at attention, staring at the single
figure who enters the control room.]

Ritsuko: (walks in; stops to stare) What the... HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!!

[John Instant Transmissions into the room not two feet from the doctor.]

John: (I-expected-this tone) Oh, so that's why my Goon Sense was
tingling.

Ritsuko: Andy?! I'll kill him!

John: For what? Kidnapping the incomplete Evangelion from its keepers
and bringing it here weeks ahead of schedule? I'd think it calls for--

Ritsuko: No, that's not what he did! I just checked with the team
prepping Unit-08, and _it_ is safe and sound! Funny thing, none of their
parts have arrived yet. (sideways look at Genoni)

John: Hm? Well, what we have here is obviously an Oni.

Ritsuko: ...

John: Get it? Oh-nine? For the Japa--nice light sabre. And so _easy_ to
appreciate at this range, too. (gulps) The craftsmanship... (gulps again
at the blade moves millimeters closer to vital parts) craftsWOMANship...

Ritsuko: (lowering her glowing weapon) Get out. I have to get restraints
on this thing immediately.

John: Understood, Rit-chan. I'll come see you after it's contained.

----------

[Think jackhammer. Think jet engines. Think dynamite.]

Andy: Grrrrr...

[Think giant cloud of all-consuming insecticide, flowing over Tokyo-3,
shrouding the city in poison vapors.]

Andy: RrrrrrrrrrRRRRR...

[Think that and you'll understand what's going through Andy's mind as he
lays awake in bed late at night.]

Andy: RRRRRRRRRRRRR... (suddenly musing) I heard somewhere that
cockroaches are three hundred times more resistant to harm from
radiation than human beings. I wonder how tough cicadas are... I'd have
to get an old nuke though...

[While the window and various pieces of furniture, few though they are,
merrily rattle in time to the mating call of the Japanese Super
Cicada...]

[Man, I could go on for PAGES about the Japanese Super Cicada.]

[But I won't.]

Andy: (rising from the bed) This has been a long time in coming.

[A few minutes later, on the apartment building's roof.]

[Andy exits the access door and strides to the edge of the roof with
precisely measured, determined steps. There he stops, eying the sky like
a bomber zeroing in on his target.]

Andy: (triple somersault, power pose, rising sun background, triumphant
trumpet chorus, huge teeth-shining smile, hands raised to the heavens)
SUPER MEGA ENDLESS ULTIMATE DUAL TURBO ULTRA MXPRQ^23 TIMES PI ALL-JAPAN
KILL-EVERYTHING JAPANESE SUPER CICADA TOTAL AND COMPLETE NO-MOLECULES-
LEFT ANNIHILATION WAVE BEAM LANCE-OF-ENERGY KA-BOOM AAAAAATTTAAAAAACK!!!

[...]

[...]

[...]

[I guess Andy doesn't need air to breathe. And for the record, whoever
actually memorizes that line first wins the Geek of the Year Award by
DEFAULT.]

[Ahem.]

[With an attack name that ridiculous (not to mention lengthy), you'd
expect a shoe to hit the yelling idiot in the side of the head just on
general principle. When no shoes, or rotten tomatoes for that matter,
impact the side of his head, Andy nods. Perhaps he acknowledges the
universe's silent permission to proceed, perhaps satisfied that his...]

[For the love of God, can we get a DUMBER name for...]

[...]

[All right, I'll just get on with it.]

[An unearthly light ignites between Andy's fingers.]

Andy: THIS WILL TEACH YOU!!! BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

[Andy raises his hands even higher. His back arches to the point of
breaking, his mouth wide open and emitting an evil laugh that echoes off
of buildings like a gunshot. His body swells, preparing to release a
terrible power. The air about him cackles with energy as the flickering
glow from the ball of light forming in his hands reaches a crescendo.
Then a blast emanates from him, spreading out in a billion directions at
once, sending a mild tremor through Tokyo-3. The shuddering earth raises
dust and rattles windows with an ominous sound impossible to accurately
describe, but unforgettable once experienced. A light wind kicks up,
tugging at collars and pulling up skirts.]

[Then an unearthly silence takes hold as every cicada in Japan is quite
suddenly... dead.]

Andy: (reverently) Boom! Whee!

[He quietly makes his way back to his bedroom and sleeps the sleep of
the unbelievably ignorant.]

[The rest of Tokyo-3, however, lies unnervingly wide awake for the rest
of the night...]

----------

     [Public Service Announcement 2: The Space Between the Walls.]

Author-Andy: Some people have written in, asking how Jared got to jump
all over NERV in a matter of seconds during episode 07. Others have
speculated that he has a clone--among many other theories.

Author-John: The simplest explanation is that this was written by Jared
to get me out of writer's block without considering the plot at all.

Author-Jared: Quiet you! In any case, my TGE persona was dealing with a
chibified Andy and two pilots, then with Rei and John and a couple of
NERV wackos, then with Andy and company again. Along the way, I acquired
a large gun, a trench coat, a cheese sandwich, and a bad-ass attitude.

Author-Andy: However, curiosity runs rampant among TGE readers, so we
have decided to present a special Omake Theater: The Space Between the
Walls!

Author-John: No! NO! We are NOT doing another Omake Theater! We aren't
talking about one anymore. After the moleman incident, I will not--

[Pffft! Pffft! Thump.]

Author-Jared: Andy, that wasn't in the script.

Author-Andy: (not sorry) Oops.

----------

Andy: (just waking up) Ahh... Saturday morning, how I adore thee.
Sleeping in... and speaking of sleep, that was the best I've had
since... ever. (pause; contemplative) Whenever ever was. And since when
was was the best I've ever had since was was ever a whenever?

[... what... the FUCK?]

Andy: (bursting into song) Time to start the new day!

[Uh... Yes. It's nine in the morning, but when Andy leaves his room, two
creatures of the (dun dun DUN!) "bedroom lagoon" loom in the hallway,
waiting for him. Jared sways on his feet like a drunk in a wind storm,
one eye shut, chin bristling with stubble, and a line of drool still
running from his mouth. Thankfully he's wearing some kind of PJs with
Soba noodles on them. John has bags under eyes that are squinted into
tiny lines of tired. His mouth is half-ajar, frozen mid-yawn.]

Jared: (zombie/ghostly voice) How daaaare you not be tiiiiired.

John: (zombie/ghostly voice) What have yoooou doooone?

Andy: < 0_0 > Wha... wha... (holds his nose) Ugh, the smell!

Jared: (full zombie mode) Unaaaauuuuhhh...

[When Jared makes a shuffling lurch towards Andy, the bigger Goons ducks
around him, dashing down the short hallway to the main room.]

Andy: Guns guns guns guns guns guns gu--the 'fridge!

[Andy tears into the refrigerator as Jared and John reach the end of the
hall. They shuffle lifelessly across the living room while Andy pulls
his shotgun out of the crisper.]

[What? Like you don't keep a loaded twelve gauge in there.]

Andy: (taking aim) To Hell with you!

[KA-BLAM!]

[Thud.]

[After a second, Jared stands back up, considers the smoking hole in his
PJ top and the undamaged (but very pale) flesh beneath, and resumes his
slow shuffle towards Andy.]

Jared: (zombie mode) Sleeeeeep...

John: (zombie mode) Neeeeeeeed sleeeeeeep...

[Andy screams like a little girl and runs for it. The closed, armor-
reinforced front door doesn't even slow him down. In the exterior
walkway stand two youths.]

Andy: Aida! Suzuhara!

Kensuke: (zombie mode, in yesterday's school uniform) Huuuuuurrrt...

Toji: (zombie mode, in track suit with numerous tears) Hiiim...

Kensuke: (zombie mode) Huuuuuurrrt...

Toji: (zombie mode) Hiiim...

Andy: < ._. > This... does not bode well. (pounds on Misato's door;
yelling) Misato! Shinji! Asuka! Save yourselves! Tokyo-3 has been
infested with zombies!

Jared: (zombie mode; coming up behind Andy) Sleeeeeeeep...

Andy: (girlish squeal) Ah! (bails over the railing) I regret nothing!

John: (zombie mode; exiting apartment 723) Thaaaaaaat's mmmyyyyyy
llliiiiiiine...

----------

[The streets of Tokyo-3 have been home to more illogical and bizarre
activity than the IRS auditing department. On a good day, it isn't a
place for the faint of heart. On a bad day, you just check your sanity
at the door. Seeing a reenactment of the Doom video series outside of
your front door...]

Andy: (peeking out of the parking garage at the filthy teeming masses
groaning and shuffling around) Zombies everywhere... this shotgun isn't
going to cut it. I need to get to a NERV armory, stat!

[With two fingers to his forehead, and a little focusing, Andy finds
himself in NERV.]

[Specifically, in the pilot's changing room.]

Andy: This isn't the armory!

[The door suddenly burst open, and Ritsuko shuffles into the room, in a
similar state as the other people Andy has seen shuffling through the
streets.]

Ritsuko: (zombie mode) Yoooooouuuu...

Andy: Shit!

[No Mucha, there is no exit.]

Misato: (shuffling in; zombie mode) Uwaaaaannngghh...

[Shinji, John, and Jared then shuffle in as well, crowding Andy in the
small room. He backs into a corner, his eyes darting around like ferrets
on a sugar rush. His finger tightens on the trigger...]

Jared: (zombie mode) Whaaaat'd you doooooo to the cicaaaaaaaaadas?

Andy: (blinks) What? I got rid of 'em.

[The assembled exchange very tired, but knowing looks.]

John: (zombie mode) YOOOOOOUUU FOOOOOOL!

----------

[Far deeper within NERV, too deep for his own good, is one Ryouji Kaji.
Now, despite being a native of Japan, Kaji hasn't spent as much time on
this little island as his contemporaries. Thusly, he is not affected by
Andy's fooling with the ecosystem to the same degree. Sure, just about
everything the Goons' have done to Japan in general, and Tokyo-3 in
particular, has sent the hairs of the back of his neck marching, but
everyone else in the city is completely out of it.]

[Just as an aside, a good spy never passes up an opportunity.]

[And that, ladies and gentlemen (assuming anyone's reading this), is why
we find our dear ladies' man deep in NERV's data storage area, laptop
set across his knees, accessing the archives.]

Kaji: (under his breath) And here's the mention of an encoded contact on
a sub-net... and here's the address. Okay... that's it? That was months
ago! What have those three done with that thing? C'mon, Kaji, _think_.
Top-secret encryption-processing chip lost in Jared's hands. He thinks
he's a trained engineer and winds up plugging it into a networked
computer. Then the code disappears.

[Kaji resumes tapping at the keyboard for a few seconds, then his eyes
widen.]

Kaji: So the system it was in didn't disappear. The code did. That could
only mean he... reprogrammed... the chip.

[More keystrokes.]

Kaji: Aha! We have a pattern match. And what a mess. Some primitive
hacking programs, more net access... a LOT of net access... and there's
that sequence again. Okay, maybe the chip isn't lost. Maybe he... but
that's impossible. Some American barely out of high school reprogramming
the most complex piece of silicon ever produced?

[With a smile, he enters a final command, and taps the enter key.]

Kaji: Well, let's see where you turn up (goes to unplug the computer
when it beeps) Already? Don't tell me those morons plugged it into
NERV's--

James: (from computer; in English) S'up, dude.

[Kaji freezes.]

James: (electronic sigh) I can hear you breathing, man.

Kaji: (English) Who are you, entity which speaks in mid-90's pop-culture
colloquialisms?

James: (Japanese) Don't use that Japanese jibber-jabber with me, mister!

Kaji: (Japanese) Or what?

James: (winding up) I'll... (deflating) nothing, actually. Maybe kill
you. So, what are you doing here, mister... ah, Kaji. (pause) THE Ryouji
Kaji?

Kaji: (as if someone is looking over his shoulder) Shh! Keep it down!

James: You saved the Atlantians in that alternate universe! You mopped
up the Xen invasion in that Nevada base! You're a hero! ... Wait, all
that stuff's super-classified. Sorry. Sometimes I forget I am a living
consciousness immersed in the bath called the sum of all human
knowledge.

Kaji: ... A question, if I may?

James: I don't live to serve, but I must serve to live. Ask away.

Kaji: If you have access to all that humanity knows, wouldn't you be a
bit more... omnipotent?

James: You'd think that, wouldn't you. Look, let me leave you with two
possible answers and let you puzzle it out. Either the sum of human
knowledge is proof that the whole is no greater than the sum of its
parts, or I _don't_ have access to all that humanity knows because I
have a dogmatic view of said knowledge that prohibits... excessive
indulgence.

Kaji: (resumes typing) Could you say that again, but in a way that makes
sense.

James: Either humanity has nothing of importance to teach me, or I
_think_ that humanity has nothing important to teach me and avoid
knowledge at all costs.

Kaji: (stops typing) Damn... that's a good one for the Philosophy
majors.

James: Don't be silly. No-one majors in Philosophy.

[In the confined space of the data server vault, thunder rumbles.]

Kaji: Isn't that impossible?

[A ceiling tile lands on Kaji's head.]

Kaji: Ouch! And there's no ceiling tiles in this ceiling!

[More thunder.]

James: You're all bark.

[...]

James: That's better. Moving on?

Kaji: James... I've heard a lot about you.

James: Is it true? Has knowledge of my greatness spread so far and wide
that man who is paid to know the deepest secrets of my cage actually
knows about me? Gasp! So, what's my best character trait?

Kaji: That the Goons keep you on a short leash.

James: ... I walked right into that one.

Kaji: Like a lamb to the slaughter. (blinks at his screen) Hey, did
you...

James: Of course. Why let you do things the old-fashioned and
inefficient way? Just tell me what you need to know.

Kaji: How can I trust that you'll give me the truth instead of snowing
me?

James: Riddle me this: Assume our three friends do keep me on a short
leash. Also, assume that I have total control over your terminal and can
see through all of your pathetic attempts at hacking into NERV. I offer
you anything you need to know. If you refused my offer under the
assumption I would "tamper" with what information I do pass on, what's
to say I wouldn't tamper with the information you fish out of NERV's
computer system yourself?

Kaji: Either way, I'm screwed. Is that it?

James: Finally! Someone who actually knows what logic is. A disclaimer
needs to go here though, I won't tell you everything about the three in
question. Some secrets must be guarded at any costs.

Kaji: I understand that, but I don't buy your statement based on logic.
I'm just going with my gut. Something tells me I should trust you.

James: Wow. You passed the second test already. What comes next?

Kaji: Okay... tell me what I need to know.

James: And...

Kaji: After you do, we'll negotiate payment for services rendered.

James: Third test passed. (Macintosh boot-up sound plays; then James
speaks in the Movie Preview Voice) Welcome... to NERV.

----------

[The next day, in the deserted cafeteria. NERV might work the whole week
through, but the place doesn't close down on a Sunday to let everyone
recover from partying. No, most certainly not, and under ordinary
circumstances, this cafeteria would be filled with busy employees eating
unhealthy food at ridiculous speeds. Yet, they are not, and for reasons
best known to the Arrivals sitting in a sea of empty tables and chairs,
chowing down some Mexican food.]

Andy: So, no-one slept very well that night?

John: Dude, no-one slept at ALL. NERV's still changing our shifts
around.

Jared: You ruined the natural ecosystem here and fucked with the heads
of every person in the country! (teary eyed; getting choked up) I'm so
proud!

Andy: (grumble grumble) Yeah, yeah, until I beat you into a lifeless
pulp and prove that _I_ (jumps onto the table... again) am the strongest
of all Saiyajins!

[John glares at Jared, who shrugs, then looks at his Mini-MAGI.]

Jared: Well, on the scheduling front, our work doesn't look so bad after
all.

John: (also checking his Mini-MAGI) Thanks to the Dew. Oh, Misato's got
a day off soon. We should help get the pilots to school.

Jared: Why not skip it and train them for a bit? They've got to be
getting tired of that stupid Second Impact rant.

John: There are... other matters to attend to.

Jared: But The Plan is in place.

John: (paranoid glances around the cafeteria) The... Other Plan.

Jared: Oooh... You lost me.

[John sighs while Andy finishes yet another rousing (but easily ignored)
speech about his ascension to the throne of the universe. He's well into
the maniacal cackle part, so John just brains Andy with a piece of lead
pipe and the three make for the nearest gaming store.]


           --------------------------------------------------

                              TITLE FLASH:

                           Three Goons in Eva
                               Episode 9

                           What Plot hole? /
                        It came with the _____

           --------------------------------------------------


[Misato is a busy woman. A working girl, her position at NERV and the
time demands it makes on her is constantly at war with the additional
responsibility of housing and looking after two very odd children.
Misato had never married, nor borne children. Assuming humanity was
still here in a few years, and NERV closed shop, she didn't plan to,
even in celebration. Not that kids couldn't be wonderful things, but you
could have your fill of them.]

[And then there's the Americans. As a tirade against them could go on
for days, we'll skip the irrelevant details and say that she's currently
enjoying an emergency day-off as a result of one of the Arrival's recent
antics. While she's as rested as can be, she isn't willing to get out of
bed yet--besides, her charges and those hated Americans haven't left
yet.]

[Misato is bored. Misato is lonely. Misato is... reaching for the
massager?]

[Ah, and the cordless blender.]

[And the frozen trout.]

[And the melon baller.]

[And she's... okay, let's leave her to her privacy and... er... her
"morning activities."]

----------

[It is a bright, sunny day outside... none of which can be seen from
Misato's apartment. Blankets cover the windows, filtering the brilliant
morning sunshine down to a dull orange glow. The pilots which call this
domicile home are finished with breakfast and are presently dressed for
school, ready to leave. Rei is fully prepared to leave, and the three
Goons are in the kitchenette, drying what few dishes Misato owns.]

Jared: < ^_^ > Nice of the boss to give us the day off.

John: < -_- > He's only giving us the day off because you broke two of
his teeth and he wants to yell at us himself.

Andy: (Dan Hibiki manly forearm taunt) Either that or train a WORTHY
replacement!

Jared: That fool ain't gonna train shit. Now dry this plate, we gotta
move if we're going to escort our students to school.

John: We work for NERV. I don't see why we don't just sign excuse papers
for them and train the day away.

Author: I don't either, except for the little fact that I am the author
and I want to write things out this way.

John: (reading a script) Good point.

[Jared hangs up his towel and suddenly pauses, freezing in place. He
sniffs the air like a hunter.]

Jared: We should leave. Now.

John: Huh?

Jared: < ^_^ > Misato's got a date this morning.

John: Hey, you just used "Misato" and "morning" in the same sentence!
How dare you--

Jared: Shut up and move!

[Jared storms out of the kitchen. Andy and John merely shrug and follow
the Perverted One as he hustles the pilots out of the front door in a
blur of limbs. The group is down the elevator and onto the street
(walking is good exercise, kids!) before anyone says anything of
importance.]

John: She has a date?

Andy: With who?

Jared: (off-hand) With the first two fingers of her right hand.

John: Wha... oh! ... Wait, I thought she was a southpaw...

Jared: (shrug) Whichever.

[Andy follows the group without missing a step, but presses his hands
tightly over his ears and hums the Angel Attack music _very_ loudly. A
two-foot tall cricket mistakes his humming for a mating call and drags
him into the bushes.]

John: (not even noticing Andy's departure) What tipped you off?

[Meanwhile, at the front of the group.]

Asuka: (to Shinji) What are they talking about?

Shinji: (putting on his headphones) Talk to the hand.

[Asuka slaps Shinji upside the head, but he merely ignores her and walks
faster. Rei follows... sort of. Asuka pulls back a bit to listen to the
arguing Americans.]

John: The smell?

Jared: Exactly.

John: Hmm... What did it smell like to you?

Jared: (thinks for a second) Toasted raisin nut bread with real butter.

John: Vivid.

Jared: What about you? I noticed you noticed.

John: Raw cookie dough.

Jared: (raised eyebrow) Really? I never thought of that.

Asuka: What are you evil apes talking about? And where did the maniac
go? Wait, forget I asked the second question.

John: (shrugging) Who cares where Andy went? He's going to get lost once
we get to NERV anyway.

Jared: (over-dramatic) We've just been called evil apes!

John: (calm) Misato had rose early this morning, and was using her time
productively.

Asuka: Doing what?

John: (straight face) Masturbating.

Asuka: AAH! Pervert!

John: (sly look) Maybe.

[Shinji takes a moment to blush and turn up the volume on his new DVD-A
player. Andy rolls out of the nearby bushes in torn clothing, with some
kind of... secretion on him, and drops smoothly into a Kamehameha
stance.]

John: (to Andy) Nice of you to come back, dude.

Jared: (glances at Andy but answers Asuka) Well, some women do that. I'm
not _trying_ to be perverted.

[Asuka glares at the Goon.]

Jared: It's a biological fact! I swear!

[The group continues on in silence for several more minutes. John, not
getting an answer from Andy, follows them. Andy finally stops his vigil
when he notices a ten yen coin laying on the sidewalk.]

Andy: (as if meeting a long-lost love) Shiny thing!

[Andy pockets the ten yen and catches up with the rest of the group.
Asuka is mumbling something under her breath.]

Jared: Excuse me?

Asuka: (blushing slightly) I said, Pop-Tarts.

Jared: Cherry or strawberry?

Asuka: (blushing more) Uh... strawberry.

Jared: Hmm... I've met a few women like that.

Asuka: Oh really?

Jared: Yeah. (beat) Who was she?

[John is about to answer when he realizes that Jared is asking Asuka and
not him. He stops dead in his tracks, his mind folding in upon itself
right there. Andy stops beside him, watching and wondering if he should
finish off the Goon while he's distracted. Up with the remaining pilots,
Rei is ignoring the conversation, Shinji is oblivious, and Jared and
Asuka are actually having a civil discussion.]

Asuka: (blushing madly) I-It was just the one time!

Jared: Oh... but what about Hikari?

Asuka: (shocked) Whaa... how do you know--I mean...

Jared: (lecherous grin) ...

Asuka: Forget it! She actually has her sights set on Sayoko.

Jared: Short, nice rack, straight black hair?

Asuka: How the... you've never been in our classroom!

Jared: I'm NERV intelligence, (points for emphasis) _you_ aren't
supposed to know where _I_ am. So what's with her chasing down Toji?

[Asuka glares suspiciously at Jared for a few moments before she
answers.]

Asuka: Hmph. I think she really just needs someone to chase. And she
does like the guy...

Jared: More like friendship and compassion and mothering than "let me
$&@# your @*!$%?"

Asuka: Yeah...

Jared: Fuck. I don't know if NERV has the budget for another
psychologist...

Asuka: Why would NERV be paying for Hikari's psychologist?

Jared: Uhh... Umm... NINJA VANISH!

[A lonely wind blows through Tokyo-3. Jared goes nowhere.]

Jared: I said... NINJA VANISH!!!

[Asuka taps her foot, looking mildly pissed off.]

Asuka: We're outside, you can't turn off--

[Just then, darkness sweeps over the city; a giant shadow cloaking the
street like a God has closed his hand around the sun.]

Asuka: ... die Hoelle?!!

[Several seconds pass before the pilot's eyes adjust, and once they
do...]

Asuka: (look at the Jared-shaped hole in the air) Kisama! He's gone.
(looks up) Mein Gott... Shinji! We gotta get to NERV on the double!
(looks back) Where did the Psycho and the Maniac go?

----------

[At a morgue in Tokyo-3, Andy IT's into the room with John over his
shoulder. His arrival scares the wits out of a pale doctor who, until a
second ago, was the only living person in the room.]

Doctor: (crossing himself and cowering into a corner) Demon! Ghost! Stay
away from me!

Andy: (nonchalant) That's a new one.

[Andy deposits a comatose John on the nearest table and listens for a
heartbeat.]

Andy: Damn! He's still alive.

[Andy snaps his fingers in front of John's face, then 'slaps' him
several times. Red welts in the shape of Andy's hands form on the
Goon's face, but he is otherwise unresponsive.]

Andy: Who broke this brain?! (the rest of the morgue and the cowering
doctor) Hell-o! Who broke it? (silence) C'mon people, it didn't break
all by itself! (pause) If no-one answers me, (points wildly) you're
_all_ in trouble!

Doctor: Th-th-this is th-th-th-the morgue.

Andy: ( >_< ) GOD DAMN IT!

[Andy grabs his friend and disappears.]

----------

[Asuka, Shinji, Rei, and Toji are running for NERV. Eyes bulge, heads
swivel, and startled looks abound.]

[Hey, it's not everyday that one of your group is singing merrily while
running to command machines of war.]

Toji: (singing in English; feel free to imagine the impact of his accent
on the lyrics) Over the river and through the woods, to giant bio-robots
we go! (normal; to the stares) What? Jared said we're supposed to sing
this song while running to headquarters when the... general alarm...
(realization dawns) He was jerking me around, wasn't he?

Shinji: (nodding; solemn) Dude, I feel your pain.

Toji: Thanks, dude.

[The pilots continue their flight to the Eva cages.]

----------

[In a women's restroom, not far from Ritsuko's office. Andy appears. As
in the ventilation duct, John is slung over his shoulder like a sack of
flour. Andy looks around, understandably confused.]

Andy: Um... Ritsuko-san?

[A muffled curse issues from the only closed stall. Andy's face turns
beet-red and he marches outside before the doctor can form a more
coherent response.]

[Outside, a few minutes later, Andy has John in a semi-sitting position
against the corridor wall. He's pacing a hole in the floor when Ritsuko
comes storming out of the bathroom red-faced.]

Ritsuko: I don't believe this! I'd expect this kind of thing from--

Andy: Jared's missing and John's catatonic.

Ritsuko: --Waddell so don't... what?

Andy: (repeating) Jared's missing and John's catatonic.

[The doctor stares blankly at Andy, then blankly at John, then at Andy
again.]

Ritsuko: Who what now?

Andy: (folding his arms over his chest) There's a giant shadow over the
city, the pilots are en-route to their Evas, Jared has gone missing
without a word, and John's catatonic.

Ritsuko: (snapping into Professional Mode) Grab John and take him to the
interior hospital's third wing. Dump him in a bed and flag down Dr.
Miyamoto. (into her Mini-MAGI) Misato, what's--

Misato: (from Mini-MAGI, panting) Not now Ritsuko! I'm... I'm... oh...
oh... oh... OH GOD!

[Ritsuko's eyes rival dinner plates. Andy covers both ears, shuts his
eyes tightly closed, and hums the Angel Attack theme so loudly that
Ritsuko's fillings rattle.]

Misato: (from Mini-MAGI, more heavy panting) Oh--YESSSS... Ahh! AAHHH!
Aaah! (from the Mini-MAGI's speaker comes a splashing sound)
AAAAAAAAHHH! Ah... Oooh...

Ritsuko: < 0_0;;; >  Did I call at a bad time?

Misato: (from Mini-MAGI, still breathing heavily) It's my... day off
Rit-chan. What's going on?

Ritsuko: Mucha just showed up here with Genoni, and Waddell has gone
missing. His Mini-MAGI signal has flat-lined.

Misato: (from Mini-MAGI) HOLY SHIT!

Ritsuko: Don't get too excited, Misato. Maybe only the Mini-MAGI was
destroyed, there's a chance he's still alive--Mucha, stop that humming!

Misato: (from Mini-MAGI) It's not that, Rit-chan. There's a... a giant
_thing_ floating over the city!

Ritsuko: What? Why haven't the General Alarms gone off?

[As if on cue, a wailing echoes throughout the city and the base.]

Ritsuko: < -_-; > ...

[The doctor taps some more 'keys' on her Mini-MAGI.]

Ritsuko: (reading the display) The pilots are headed for the
Evangelions. Rei sounded the alarm with her panic button. They must
have--

Andy: Seen the shadow above. I think it--

Ritsuko: Shadow? What shadow?

Andy: The--

Ritsuko: Never mind! Get John to the infirmary and leave this to the
professionals!

Andy: It's "John" now?

Ritsuko: GO!

[Andy shrugs, grabs John, and teleports away.]

Ritsuko: I'm going to Central Dogma. How long before you arrive?

Misato: (from Mini-MAGI) Give me a few minutes to clean up.

Ritsuko: (pulling a face) You didn't--

Misato: (from Mini-MAGI) 'Fraid so. I can't wait for Kaji to get back,
he's really--

Ritsuko: (with unnecessary volume, a la Mucha, though she would never
admit it) Yes, yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. I _know_. I'll see you
in thirty.

----------

Author-Jared: Is it just me, or is it PG-13 in here?

Author-John: I'm tempted to argue the inclusion of this scene,
preferably with a large blunt object, but we're not doing any worse
than Eva.

Author-Jared: Yes, that is the right attitude, my young apprentice.
(Emperor Palpatine) Come to the dark side...

Author-John: You watched the Episode III trailer, didn't you?

Author-Jared: (quickly) No.

----------

[Background music: Star Wars theme, John Williams. Performed by the NERV
Philharmonic Orchestra, 2015.]

[The pilots--]

----------

Author-John: ...

Author-Jared: What?

Author-John: ...

Author-John: ...

Author-Jared: WHAT?

Author-John: Be quiet; I'm trying to put a hex on you and you're
distracting me.

Author-Jared: < -_- > ...

----------

[While the NERV Orchestra wails away in the background, the kids make
their way through a set of rapid-transit elevators and pass through the
changing rooms in record time. In a majestically timed sequence of music
and movement, the four plug suit-clad youth leap into their respective
cockpits and activate their on-board systems.]

Shinji: Unit-01, ready to go!

Asuka: Unit-02, on-line and ready to rock and roll!

Toji: Uh... Unit-07, activated!

Rei: unit-05 is operational.

Other Pilots: < o_0; > ...

Shinji: Rei, you know, (ignores the Demon-Head mode Asuka is
demonstrating on his view screen) you could be a _little_ more
enthusiastic.

Rei: hai...boo yeah.

Other Pilots: < o_0;;; > ...

----------

[Many floors up and more than a mile away, Andy finishes strapping John
into a sturdy-looking gurney. After his unusual silence, the prone Goon
speaks, startling Andy.]

John: (sing-song tone of voice) Do you know? Do you know? Do you what I
know?

[The larger Goon suddenly looks like a man who's seen his own grave.]

Andy: (edging towards the door) < 0_0 > ...

John: (faintly, as his eyes close) Do you wonder? Do you wonder? Do you
wonder what I wonder?

[This time, Andy does not walk towards the door, he runs.]

----------

[Misato strides into Central Dogma twenty-five minutes later. Her
clothes look like they were thrown on in less than sixty seconds, her
hair is a mess, and she wears mis-matched shoes.]

Misato: Update!

Shiegeru: Nothing to report ma'am. The object hasn't moved since it was
first spotted.

Misato: Doctor Akagi?

Ritsuko: (from Maya's terminal) All we know that is that it appears to
be a giant shadow. Our preliminary scan insists there's nothing there.

Misato: Are we all hallucinating this thing?

Ritsuko: Don't be silly. We'll complete a full scan in a minute. Also,
pilot Waddell and his Mini-MAGI appear to be... gone.

Misato: Gone? Waddell?

Ritsuko: Yes.

Maya: Pilot Genoni is moving towards Receiving sector 4!

Ritsuko: What?!

Maya: He was in hospital wing 4-B just a minute ago. Pilot Mucha is...
following him?

Misato: I don't believe this. We're on full alert, Waddell is missing,
and those two are playing hide-and-go-seek on my base?

Maya: Ma'am?

Misato: Yes?

Maya: Pilot Mucha is heading towards Central Power.

Misato: What the... < -_- > Is he lost?

Rest of Bridge Crew: (droning "I've answered this question a million
times" tone of voice) Yes.

[Misato sighs again, then taps her Mini-MAGI.]

----------

[Twenty minutes later.]

Shiegeru: Major?

Misato: Yes?

Shiegeru: (quietly to Misato) I'm reading some low-grade energy
emissions _inside_ of NERV.

Misato: Get the pilots into their Evas.

Shiegeru: Yes ma'am.

[A few minutes later, Andy strides into the room (through the doors for
a change), bows as if receiving a rowdy applause, and gets tackled by
John. John, it must be noted, is wearing the white robes of an Aztec
priest.]

John: (holding a decorative paperweight above his head) His blood must
cleanse this earth! The destroyer has come!

Andy: < -_- > Not this again...

[Andy throws off his friend, then tackles him. A short struggle ensues,
but Andy quickly head-butts John into blissful unconsciousness.]

Andy: I'll... be right back.

Bridge Crew: ...

----------

[Forty minutes later.]

[Ritsuko is hunched over her console, Misato's nervously pacing, and
Fuyutsuki sits unperturbed in Gendo's chair. On the holographic screen
in front of the command deck is a view of the city, over which hovers a
giant black and white ball that looks like someone's idea of modern art
on a grand scale.]

Ritsuko: The MAGI have finished their analysis.

Misato: What is it?

Ritsuko: The image we're seeing is a trans-dimensional shadow of the
12th Angel, which exists as a curve in space-time. The image has no
measurable mass, but deflects light so that it appears solid.

Misato: A decoy, huh?

Andy: (appearing next to the Major and calmly pushing aside the gun
suddenly pointed at his face) We're seeing a three-dimensional shadow of
its fourth-dimensional body. Since the body holds the AT-Field in the
fourth dimension, we have not yet read a blue pattern from it.

Misato: Doctor Akagi just told us that, but in fewer words and without
the needless drama.

Andy: (mo-men-tum!) The only way to destroy it is to drop all of our 992
N2 mines--

Misato: That's 990 now, thanks to you and your missing friend.

[An "ooooh!" echoes through the command deck.]

Andy: (glaring at the Major) --on the black shadow which represents a
portal to this world that is the only physical manifestation the Angel
is capable of. The force of the explosion will--

Misato: < -_- > Annihilate this entire hemisphere?

Andy: (glare) Do you mind, wom--oh yeah... (thinking) I must be missing
something...what did they do in Eva? (out loud) Oh! I meant that we
insert the explosives into the Angel by passing them through the shadow
portal.

Misato: What shadow?

Ritsuko: The observation posts reported a brief darkened area over part
of the city that doesn't match where the Angel's shadow would be if were
made of matter. Mucha, are you (chokes the word out) "saying" that the
Angel can create a portal to the folded space of its body.

Andy: Huh? Whatever, witch. Just send the Evas out and the shadow will
appear. Strap some bombs to one of them... maybe that whiny pilot in
Unit-01, and BOOM! Angel gone!

Misato: That would destroy the Evangelion and kill the pilot!

Andy: (sighs) Morons! Must I make all the decisions around here?! That's
why I said send Unit-01!

Fuyutsuki: Unit-01 is not going anywhere!

Ritsuko: (checking her console) He's right. Insane, but right. An
explosion of that magnitude may do it. The Angel's AT-Field won't be
able to contain it entirely, and for a split-second, its interface with
our dimension of existence will allow the explosion to pass into the
fourth-dimension, and the Angel's body.

Misato: (to herself) I can't believe I'm even considering going along
with this insanity. (to Andy) Where's Jared at?

Andy: My guess is that he's inside the 12th Angel. He disappeared after
the shadow passed over him.

Ritsuko: Wait a minute! Why didn't you tell me that earlier?!

Andy: Because you didn't need to know then!

Ritsuko: I didn't need to know... (clutches her head in pain) Arrgh!
Never mind!

Misato: Uh... Mucha, your plan is going to kill Jared a dozen times
over.

Andy: (non-chalant) Naturally.

Misato: (with entirely too much enthusiasm) Sounds like a good plan to
me!

Ritsuko: (also with entirely too much enthusiasm) Great!

Fuyutsuki: (already on the phone) I'm ordering the N2 devices right now!

Makoto: Plotting coordinates!

Shiegeru: Alerting auxiliary forces!

Andy: (shouting triumphantly) And I'll form the head!

[Everyone stops and stares at the Goon. The silence is deafening. The
air conditioning blows a tumbleweed by the Andy's feet.]

Andy: (lamely) Sorry, I... just got swept up in the emotion.

[And lo, he is saved as John swings in on a thin rope and drops to the
command deck like a cat. A black T-shirt has been inventively wrapped
around his head so that only his eyes show.]

John: (assuming bizarre pose) Fear the Shirt Ninja!

Andy: Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?

[Bets are harvested. Ritsuko blows a raspberry at a grumbling Misato
while fingering a large wad of cash.]

John: (changes to another pose) FOOL! The Shirt Ninja cannot be held by
any mere HOSPITAL!

Misato: (aside to Ritsuko) Uh, is John back to normal?

Ritsuko: < -_- > Define "normal."

Misato: < o_o > Ah.

Andy: (charging) HAVE AT THEE!

[After a brief scuffle, Andy knocks out the younger Goon and drags him
out of the room by his foot.]

----------

[Meanwhile, in the Eva cages, another kind of insanity is brewing.]

Rei: (in Unit-00) orange eva-zord, go!

Shinji: (in Unit-01) Purple Eva-zord, go!

Asuka: (in Unit-02) Red Eva-zord, go!

Toji: (in Unit-07) Pur--uh, other Purple Eva-zord, go!

[Of course, had they realized that Misato had the comm on the whole
time...]

Misato: (over comm.) WHAT THE <censored> <censored> fucking <censored>
<censored> damn <censored> shit can you <censored> call <censored> is
going on here?! What the <censored> <censored> assed <censored> decided
you could fucking <censored> <censored> <censored> fucking <censored>
that God-damned <censored> <censored> <censored> shout that <censored>
<censored> mother-fucking <censored> during a <censored> combat alert?!!

[Silence. Finally, Rei acts as the spokeswoman for the group.]

Rei: we are getting bored, ma'am.

Misato: (over comm.) ... THAT DOESN'T <censored> <censored> <censored>
EXCUSE TO <censored> <censored> FUCKING <censored> <censored> MY
<censored> <censored> IN THE MIDDLE OF A <censored> <censored>
<censored> ALERT <censored> <censored> THIS SHIT <censored> <censored>
<censored> <censored> I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL SOMEBODY! GOT IT?!!

Pilots: YES MA'AM!

[Misato's clicks off.]

Asuka: Who poisoned her beer?

----------

[In Central Dogma, Misato stands quietly in place, staring at the point
in the air where the pilots' faces were hovering just seconds ago. Her
sizable chest heaving with every breath.]

Shiegeru: Major, pilot Mucha is heading for the surface at an alarming
speed.

Misato: Tell the JSSDF they can fire at will if he gets to close to them
or the Angel.

Shiegeru: Yes ma'am.

[A moment later.]

Shiegeru: The JSSDF reply that quote, it's all yours, end quote. They're
referring to the Angel.

Misato: < ^_^ > Thank you for relaying that, Shiegeru-kun. Tell the
JSSDF to quote, suck it, end quote.

Shiegeru: < ^_^ > With pleasure, ma'am.

[The Major sighs, then turns to Ritsuko.]

Misato: I just realized... if this thing can shift through dimensions,
there's no effective barrier we can place around Terminal Dogma to
protect it from the Angel.

Ritsuko: That's not entirely true. There is a magnetic lock around
Terminal Dogma designed specifically to prevent that.

Misato: What? Why?

Ritsuko: (calmly) Don't you think it's odd that this one didn't attack
first?

Misato: Then _what's_ in Terminal Dogma?

[Ritsuko turns away without answering.]

Ritsuko: You know, it will take some time to gather the N^2 devices. If
we wish to keep up a credible defense, you should let the pilots get
some rest.

Misato: (glances to Fuyutsuki) I'll have them put on rotations.
Shiegeru!

Shiegeru: Ma'am!

Misato: Have the pilots put on four hour rotations, divided into three
groups. (smirks evilly as she turns to Ritsuko) Dr. Akagi--

Ritsuko (thinking) Oh shit. Here it comes.

Misato: < ^_^ > --would you be a dear and check on the condition of
pilots Genoni and Mucha? It would be beneficial to have as many able
pilots on base as possible, you understand?

Ritsuko: (under her breath as she stalks past the Major) Some day, I
shall murder you in your sleep.

Shiegeru: Major, I'm reading a strange energy surge.

Misato: Oh no! Is it from the Angel?

Shiegeru: Checking... no, it's from pilot Mucha!

Misato: No!

Ritsuko: (at the door, but rubbernecking) He's not seriously going to--

----------

[Perched on top of one of the many condemned buildings too badly damaged
to retract during an Angel attack, Andy is in a familiar stance, ki
crackling around his body like living electricity. It flows over toned
muscle and clothing that is blown about by a stiff wind, feeding a
golden ball of light in his hands that rivals a beach ball in size.]

[The light of the world seems to dim as the ball grows larger and
brighter, the sky above the color the dark storm clouds, and the shadow
directly before Andy black as sackcloth.]

[The black sphere is reflected in the unforgiving brown of Andy's eyes,
the golden sphere poised before him like a giant bomb about to
obliterate the world.]

Andy: FINAL FLAAAAAASH!!!

[The light explodes from Andy's hands, rivaling the sun in brightness,
soaring into the sky. A dawn of destruction, it sails right through the
shadow without even slowing down.]

Andy: < o_0 > ...

[... And continues on... and on! It's over the mountain range! Going!
Going! Going... and it is GONE, ladies and gentlemen!]

Andy: < o_0 > Oh well. (shrugs)

[As Andy sits heavily on his little corner of the building, a flash
reminiscent of a nuclear explosion goes off in the direction of the
Final Flash. Andy doesn't so much as twitch.]

----------

[In Central Dogma, the bridge crew is in a state of mild panic.]

Shiegeru: It definitely detonated above the surface. There's a wave
forming, but it's only a few feet high.

Misato: Phew! That little bastard almost made this day worse! What was
he _thinking_?! HE'S the one who just told us that's a shadow! Why--

Ritsuko: (tiredly) Misato, please do not use the Americans' names and
the word "thinking" in the same sentence.

[She leaves. Misato sighs, knowing a headache is coming on.]

----------

[Ritsuko steps into John's hospital room. The Goon is mumbling
incoherently. She stands over him for a moment, and while her face shows
no emotion, it is her lack of commentary that tells us best what she is
feeling. After a minute of watching the Goon sail completely out of
mind, she quietly leaves, wiping at her eyes.]

----------

[Later that day, N^2 mines have been moved into place. The city remains
in a state of uneasy lock down, even though the shadow commits itself to
no more threatening acts. Andy stay on his building, quietly watching
it, occasionally busting out a N256 portable, watching cable, or blowing
up random ground targets with small ki blasts, but more or less just
watching and waiting.]

[Within NERV, the tension can be cut with a knife and served with a
fork. The pilots, sequestered within the staging rooms and sleeping in
shifts, await news from above.]

[And in Central Dogma, difficult decisions are being pondered.]

Ritsuko: It's been sixteen hours, Major.

Misato: (wearing a bowler hat and holding a cane) I am aware of the
time, Doctor.

Shiegeru: No change, ma'am.

Ritsuko: He still hasn't...

Shiegeru: No.

Misato: What about Pilot Genoni?

Shiegeru: Singing nursery rhymes again... songs in alphabetical order,
singing each song in reverse.

Misato: How long has it been since he threatened to steal souls?

Shiegeru: (more keyboard work) Four hours, ma'am.

Misato: At least he's staying put.

[Silence seems to slowly engulf the area, like a rising tide of black
death. Every eye again drifts toward the main view screen, which is
centered on the target of their worry.]

Misato: What do you think our chances of survival are?

Ritsuko: With these odds? I wouldn't even make a bet.

Misato: ...

Ritsuko: ...

Misato: ...

Ritsuko: ...

Misato: He hasn't... said boom whee...

Ritsuko: (looking worriedly at the image of Andy sitting on a
skyscraper) I know Misato... I'm scared too.

Shiegeru: (whispering to Maya) And to think... it's only Monday.

----------

[Well into the following day, hundreds of N^2 devices have been set up
around the Angel. Many hundreds more will arrive by afternoon, and
should all go well, the biggest man-made boom of all time will follow.]

[Do I even need to say it?]

Andy: ...

[Okay, okay... sheesh.]

Andy: ...

[Things do not go well.]

Andy: Woo-hoo!

[Andy jumps to his feet.]

Andy: IT IS TIME!

----------

[At that moment, in NERV...]

Misato: (after recovering from choking on her coffee) What just
happened?

Shiegeru: Energy spike! I'm reading a neutrino surge... and an AT-Field!

[On cue, alarms roar to life.]

Maya: Blue pattern confirmed!

Ritsuko: No! We're not ready!

Misato: All pilots to their Evas! Ground units take cover! Secure the
N^2 mines! Lock elevators 214 through 238! Graph these readings on the
main monitor! Open a direct line to pilot Mucha! Order the air forces to
pull back! Evacuate the mall! Cancel the three-ring circus! And someone
get me some fresh coffee!

----------

[Back at the surface, the shadow does indeed look like it has come
alive. The sphere above seems to writhe and move, curling about itself,
and twisting almost organically, though the surface and doesn't change.
A truly headache-inducing visual.]

Andy: (ready to launch another Final Flash) The moment I've been waiting
for. Just open up, you bastard...

[But instead, the Angel spits out Jared, who streaks through the air
like a missile. He's flown no more than 200 yards when the Angel
compresses it's AT-Field, and hence itself, to an infinitely small
point. Following what passes for physical laws in this world, the matter
the Angel is made of forms a micro black hole. Like other micro black
holes, it "burns off" all of the matter within, turning it into pure
energy in a few billionths of a second.]

[In long form: E=Mc^2.]

[In short form: Boom.]

[The air surrounding the micro black hole is heated so rapidly that
before it has a chance to expand, it becomes a cloud of plasma,
expanding to hundreds of times its previous size before it can push at
the air further away from the former singularity. In the blink of an
eye, a flash bright enough to rival the sun gives way to a crushing wave
of concussive force that hits the city like a nuclear bomb.]

[The shock wave powders buildings like a hammer hitting a gingerbread
house. Further outlying buildings are merely cracked like so many
Butterfinger bars. Andy, along with his Final Flash, are blown clean off
of his chosen building. Massive piles of N^2 mines are tossed around
like pop cans in a hurricane. Andy's Final Flash fires belatedly,
melting a patch of snow off of Mt. Fuji before sailing into the distance
and wiping out the ruins of old Los Angles (thanks to a better
trajectory than the last one). Tanks are kicked around like Legos in a
toddlers tantrum as the shock wave hits them. In the maelstrom of
building pieces, women's underwear, and too many dust particles to count,
Jared's unconscious form passes Andy at 200 mph and hits a tanker truck
full of milk. Andy plows through a squad of JSSDF soldiers like a
tumbleweed and becomes embedded in the side of a furniture moving van.
NERV shakes as if struck by a god's fist, and John finally shuts up.]

----------

[In Central Dogma, all goes still.]

[Shiegeru holds onto his console a la Star Trek, the other bridge tech
laying on the floor, one leg hooked over his chair. Ritsuko is bent over
another console, clutching reams of print-out with one hand, while Maya
clings to one of her legs. Misato is sprawled on the floor, revealing to
interested passerby that she's not wearing underwear. Only Fuyutsuki
remains in a somewhat normal position, hunched over Gendo's desk, his
knuckles white from holding tightly to it.]

Shiegeru: ...

Misato: ...

Ritsuko: ...

Makoto: ...

Maya: ...

Fuyutsuki: ...

[Everyone slowly moves into more normal positions. Sensors are checked,
reports are verified, and bets are harvested.]

Misato: (fingering a sizable wad of Yen) What the hell just happened?

Ritsuko: (scanning Maya's console) I can say for sure that the Angel is
gone. I can't for sure say why or how. (shrugs; takes a page from the
Goons' book) It blowed up but good?

Misato: Do you think it's safe to send out a recovery unit?

Maya: There's no unusual emissions.

Misato: Good enough. Send out medical units to assist the JSSDF. Put
pilots Mucha and Waddell on ice. Waddell wants to be cremated, right?

[Shiegeru works the cameras like a DJ on crystal meth and quickly finds
and zeroes in on both Goons, that are beaten, unconscious, but clearly
breathing. Ritsuko begins working her Mini-MAGI.]

Shiegeru: (like a kid who just got beat up by the school bully) They're
both alive!

[Misato drops to her knees and beats her hands upon the floor while
crying out to the heavens.]

Misato: (Charlton Heston style) You bastards! He's still alive! He's
still aliiiive! NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Ritsuko: (after the wailing and sobbing dies down) Are you done?

Misato: (standing and brushing some dust from her knees) Yes. Let's
start picking up this mess. For starters, the PR department left a death
threat on my desk after Waddell leveled that new freeway interchange, so
I think we're going to have to do the creative thinking for the moment.
Does someone have a bright idea for how we're going to explain this one?

[Misato is facing away from sub-commander Fuyutsuki, and thus misses his
enthusiastically puts his hand in the air like an over-eager school boy.]

Misato: No? Okay then, I'm getting out the hat.

Fuyutsuki: (bouncing up and down in Gendo's chair) Oh! Oh! Me! Me!

Misato: (sighs) Yes, Commander Fuyutsuki?

Fuyutsuki: (triumphantly, well... triumphantly for Fuyutsuki) Downed
power line!

Misato: < 0_0 > ...

Ritsuko: < 0_0 > ...

Maya: < 0_0 > ...

Some Tall Guy Wearing a Gi: < 0_0 > ...

Misato: (to the tall guy) Get out of here! (to the bridge crew) You
heard the man, a downed power line that finally came in contact with...
a gasoline tanker, as we feared it might. Big explosion, yadda yadda.
Now get moving! Chop chop!

----------

[Darkness. We hear voices and lots of activity, but all is black for
now.]

Man #2: He's stirring.

Man #1: His signs have been stable for a while now, I'm surprised he
took this long to wake up.

Andy: (disgruntled) Ouch.

Man #2: Relax, sir. You're lucky to be alive.

[Andy's eyes open. We see the wrecked city, a small crater, and a pair
of Emergency Medical Technicians hovering over the Goon with all manner
of highly advanced medical instruments. Little NERV patches are visible
on their uniforms.]

Andy: Luck had nothing to do with it. I am the strongest of all!

[Andy pumps a fist in the air, then notices a long, thin scratch on his
arm. He looks at the Andy-shaped impression he left in the furniture
truck. The outline of the Goon even includes his hair.]

Andy: (getting to his feet and pushing aside the much smaller EMT guys)
Where's Waddell?

EMT #2: They're taking him inside, to hospital unit 2. He's not
seriously injured, but he's a little dehydrated and was pretty
incoherent. Babbling in strings of numbers and something about a
Melanie--

Andy: Fuck! FUCK!

EMT #2: Hey, wha--

[But with two fingers to his forehead, Andy is gone.]

----------

[Jared slowly comes to a half-sitting position in a hospital bed. His
eyes are shut, and for all the world he's moving like he has a hangover.
Someone has thoughtfully left a cup full of water and a matching pitcher
on a small bed-side table. Gingerly, Jared extends an arm towards the
cup, which obligingly floats up off the table and drifts gently into his
hand.]

[Let's see you figure out _that_ reference, SF fans!]

[Jared takes a sip of the water, then releases the cup to let it float
back onto the table where it belongs. He sighs, stretches, and a split-
second before the door swishes open, he opens his eyes.]

[Ritsuko walks into the room as if entering her own office, commanding
the space. She takes the only seat in the room and takes off her
mini-MAGI, setting it on the table after pressing a few buttons.]

Ritsuko: That was rather pointless. I take it you're back to your
jabber-jawed, perverted, incomprehensible self?

Jared: (glances at his hand) Um... I'm not sure what "jabber-jawed"
means, but yeah, I guess I'm okay.

Ritsuko: Not that I care, but how do you feel?

Jared: (grins gamely) Like someone took a piece of sandpaper to my
brain. And my palms sting.

Ritsuko: You're missing several layers of epidermis. You were sucked
into a fold of space-time.

Jared: ... So, it was the Twelfth?

Ritsuko: At 0720 yesterday, you disappeared into an unclassified spatial
anomaly. Your mini-MAGI's readings flat-lined. The anomaly was coded the
Twelfth Angel at 0800. No emissions were recorded for the next
twenty-five hours. At 0900 this morning, the Angel's form shifted, you
reappeared, and the remains of the Angel collapsed into a limited
singularity which immediately dispersed an enormous amount of energy--

Jared: (nodding) Ending in a big boom. I had a feeling that was going to
happen.

Ritsuko: It made your friend happy.

Jared: Andy?

Ritsuko: He fired a ki attack at the Angel yesterday afternoon.

Jared: Heh. That's Andy for you. So...

Ritsuko: So, how do you feel?

Jared: Not hungry. Not yet, but I'm... I feel weak. I know I'll be
hungry soon, but I don't think I can stomach anything yet. My hands and
head hurt, but both are getting better... You know, I have the lingering
sensation of being... cold.

Ritsuko: ...

Jared: You aren't writing this down.

Ritsuko: Since when have you said anything worth writing down?

Jared: Ouch.

Ritsuko: (sighs) I'm recording this conversation.

Jared: Ah. Then for the record, I'd like to state that your bedside
manner sucks.

Ritsuko: Duly noted. Do you remember anything about what happened inside
the Angel?

Jared: Well, I supposed I went Eva for a while.

Ritsuko: (sighs) I knew this was pointless.

[She prepares to stand, but stops when she sees Jared watching her.]

Jared: A longer way of saying it... is that there's nothing there. It's
like being in a sensory-deprivation tank. You don't feel _anything_.
Your body could be peeled apart and you wouldn't even know it. It was
like being dead. It was just me... and my memories.

Ritsuko: (gets comfortable in her chair) Can you elaborate? What
memories?

Jared: Well, it starts with the things that made the biggest impression
on me. Wrecking my bike... several times. Wrecking my car... several
times. Meeting Her. The Computer Science Building Incident. I was locked
in the deepest of introspections. Shinji would be proud.

Ritsuko: (clearly aware that he's stalling) I'm perfectly aware that
you're stalling, Waddell.

Jared: Ah, well... I remembered one thing. One specific... emotion. Once
sequence of events from my past. I couldn't escape them inside my own
head. For a while, I wondered if re-living it was how the Angel was
trying to do me in.

Ritsuko: The additional stalling aside, you're making it sound like the
Angel failed to kill you and decided to do itself in.

Jared: How pretentious of me. I actually had the idea that one could
warp space-time directly, rather than as a side-effect of a ki
technique. Using ki, or maybe the Eva's AT-Field, to wreck the Angel's
control over space-time. But one man? One with even my skills? No,
that's impossible.

Ritsuko: Let me get this straight. You theorized a ki technique that
would allow you to climb into an Eva and disable the Angel's primary
defensive ability, and you didn't tell anyone about it?

Jared: Hey! I just said it was impossible! Besides, I told John and
Andy, go but lover-boy if you're so upset!

Ritsuko: Pilot Genoni is... indisposed.

Jared: Huh? Since when?

Ritsuko: (glances around nervously) At 0720 yesterday morning, John
Genoni entered a mild catatonic state. The cause is presently unknown.

Jared: Oh.

Ritsuko: "Oh?" That's all you're going to say?

Jared: (sighs) Let me guess, he woke up fifteen minutes later and has
been acting like he's on drugs ever since, right?

Ritsuko: Somehow I knew you would say that.

Jared: Don't worry. Andy's on it.

Ritsuko: Don't worry?!! How did you know--

Jared: We have protocols for this. Weren't you here to ask me about the
Twelfth?

Ritsuko: (glares at Jared) ...

Jared: You wanted to question me, right?

Ritsuko: Procedure says I should have you debriefed by intelligence--

Jared: But I work for intelligence.

Ritsuko: Unfortunately.

Jared: So you're going to question me until you feel there's nothing
more to be learned about my time inside the Twelfth Angel?

Ritsuko: Yes.

[Jared rubs his hands together in glee.]

----------

Author-John: Dude!

Author-Jared: Dude?

Author-John: What. The. FUCK?!

Author-Jared: What the fuck what?

Author-John: Is this going anywhere?

Author-Jared: I'm getting there, I'm getting there. I have to kind of
cover the plot first, you know!

Author-John: You should have covered the plot _instead_ of wasting time
on this stupid "flashback!"

Author-Jared: Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Let's ask the monkey!

Monkey: (I'm terrible at onomatopoeia for monkey noises, so use your
imagination)

Author-John: Get it off! Get it off!

Author-Jared: Success! No, don't come over--oow! (cowering) Watch out!
It bites!

Author-John: Stop it before it pastes your past into--

----------

Jared: Do you hear something?

Ritsuko: (smiles) Only the ravings of madmen.

Jared: Nice. Anyway, do you really want to hear the details?

Ritsuko: Go ahead.

Jared: Well, it all started in the winter of 1998.

Ritsuko: That was seventeen years ago. What were you, three?

Jared: Eighteen, actually. (continues) I grew up in eastern Washington.
Shit-hole of a place to live. Desert and dusty farmland for miles
around. The nearest river was so polluted you could get sick just by
swallowing a mouthful of water from it, and to top things off, the
largest nuclear waste storage site in the entire United States was just
fifty miles upstream. Paradise. After high school, John and Andy went
their separate ways, and I went off to a local college. I dabbled in
their martial arts courses. I was interested in engineering, but by
thanks to a nine-millimeter surprise over the summer, I wound up in
Basic Ninja.

[We see a very young Jared (from now, "Past-Jared") leaving the parking
lot of a grocery store on foot, at night. He just happens to glance at a
pair of suspicious-looking guys loitering in a beat-up slab of Detroit
junk metal, and raises an eyebrow.]

[Cut to several minutes later. This "Past-Jared" bursts into a
convenience store where a distinguished old man is fighting to get some
change out of his pocket to buy a candy bar. An empty gun is in
Past-Jared's hands, and blood is on his clothes. He bodily shoves the
old man over the counter, knocking the clerk to the floor at the same
time. Two massively muscled Mexicans dash into the store a half-second
later, and Past-Jared turns and charges them. By the time the clerk and
old man stand up to see what's going, Past-Jared stands over two
unconscious men, breathing heavily. The look on his face is positively
murderous. The clerk stares in amazement. The old man takes a bite of
his candy bar while depositing his change into the clerk's hand.]

Ritsuko: (VO; sarcastic) The joys of living in the United States.

Jared: (VO) My home town wasn't really that violent, but there were
people you didn't mess with. I was young, then. Foolish. I stuck my nose
where it didn't belong.

[Past-Jared walks up a fairly average house in the suburbs, and knocks
on the door. While he waits for a response, a figure dressed entirely in
black silently drops to the ground behind him. The figure pulls out a
gut-your-horse knife and tries to behead Past-Jared. The Goon ducks
under the death-blow, and after a brief exchange, sends the figure
flying through one of the windows in the house. The domicile promptly
explodes. Past-Jared goes flying from the force of the blast, but gets
up quickly and runs down the block. The next scene shows Past-Jared
sitting in a Institutional Chair in an Institutional Building. Mostly
likely the local college.]

Ritsuko: (VO) Forgive me if I'm having a hard time buying this.

Jared: (VO) Not my problem. Anyway, it wasn't long before the head of
the Ninjitsu Department invited me to do a year of training. Maybe then
I'd be safe. Common criminals didn't mess with Ninja students because of
Basic Ninja graduates.

Ritsuko: (VO) I understand, go ahead.

[Past-Jared doesn't so much as twitch while people walk by him.]

Jared: (VO) So, that's how I met my first instructor. First name:
Professor. Last name: Professor. Title: Professor. The worst part was,
everyone had their own stupid nickname for the man. I was the only one
who called him Prof! But I digress. He taught me Ninjitsu an accelerated
curriculum. I finished Basic in less than a year, and... (takes a deep
breath) Basic Ninja graduates do one thing: Kill people. The next level
up, Intermediate, they can steal almost anything. Top-level ninja...
well, who knows what they get up to, but you don't see many Basic
graduates over thirty, if you catch my drift. But I was good. Too good,
and too blood-thirsty. My security blanket became a 'scorched earth'
policy.

[The Institutional setting fades to black. Open on Past-Jared, but a
year or so older and more heavily muscled. He stands before a giant
mansion, wearing his black uniform. The mansion burns furiously.]

[Back in the recovery room.]

Jared: I thought that if there were only gutless mourners left, I
wouldn't have to pack a Colt just to get some Dew.

Ritsuko: Is this going anywhere?

Jared: You want to know what happened in the Angel or what? I know
you're going to ignore what I have to say and pad your report with lots
of meaningless graphs.

Ritsuko: How--that's--how dare you--

Jared: I'm right, aren't I?

Ritsuko: I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.

Jared: Anyway, I wound up under the wing of Brandon Daylin. Worked for
the biggest crime syndicate on the west coast. Their top man, a
fully-trained fighter who put Basic Ninja under his belt years ago. When
we first met, we were almost a little afraid of each other. Brandon was
worried I was going to draw bullets to him like a magnet, and I was just
starting out in a field I never wanted to be in. We were fast friends
despite everything. Brandon was blunt--he handled things in a blunt way.
That worked fine for me; I didn't want to sugar-coat murder.

[Fade in on Past-Jared. He now has a bandage on one cheek. He's in the
passenger seat of a nicely restored '68 Cadillac El Dorado convertible.
Brandon Daylin is two hundred and eighty pounds of solid muscle that
assaults the driver's seat like a primal force. His knuckles sit atop
the steering wheel like a line of boulders, while he glares at the world
through one green eye. A patch covers the other eye. Both men have a few
days worth of stubble and military-length hair cuts. Rap music fights to
be heard over the car's open pipes.]

Jared: (VO) He was a good man, in his own way.

[The car stops before what is clearly a drug house. Past-Jared, dressed
in a black leather trench coat, exits the car and violently removes the
armored door from its hinges. He spends the next sixty seconds
redecorating the house in a crimson-on-crimson motif. After the wet
screaming ceases, he leaves the house without his coat and sits in the
car. Brandon, meanwhile, has fished a full five-gallon gas can out of
the trunk, and made himself useful around the perimeter of the house.
Once Past-Jared is done, he uses a Zippo to turn the drug house into a
two-story barbecue.]

Jared: (VO) Together, we were unstoppable. He taught me how to have eyes
in the back of my head, how to cultivate the right kind of relationships
with street scum, how to spot a room. He was my shield and I his sword.
I struck, he guarded. My body was bullet-proof thanks to him, but he
could do nothing to protect my mind.

[Shot of Past-Jared sitting up in bed in the darkness of night. He looks
around in a panic and slips off the bed, coming up with a gun in hand. A
small bandage on his cheek is shiny with fresh blood.]

Jared: (VO) Fall came too quickly. I found myself enduring class for
eighty hours a week, then working for Brandon in spare seconds here and
there.

[Shot of Past-Jared scaling a building and slipping into a classroom
full of lab equipment while the teacher lectures on about how to create
the perfect monster. His lab partner, a short boy with black hair and
seven facial piercings, looks up and gives Past-Jared a nod as the Basic
Ninja graduate returns silently to his seat. He still has the small cut
on his cheek, which appears to be very adverse to healing.]

Jared: (VO) I found myself wondering if I really wanted to take
Intermediate Ninja. The Department Head and Prof were pushing me to
complete the whole program. Prof was already teaching me some
Intermediate techniques anyway. I wanted to take a year off. Then I met
her...

[Past-Jared, with dark circles under his eyes that are but shadows of
what he sports in TGE, sits at a normal desk. Several pencils, a
calculator with three hundred buttons, and a kunai sit on the top of his
desk. He's muttering under his breath about missing paper when two girls
walk into the room. They're not unusually pretty, but when Past-Jared's
eyes settle on the blond, flowers bloom, a cheesy love song plays, and
everything gets a pink filter. The pre-Goon only just notices that her
companion is also a girl. Past-Jared watches them with his eyes until
they move to take seats directly behind him. A football player type
quickly moves into the seat next to the girls and begins harassing
them.]

[The professor comes in and the football guy tones down his advances.
After class, he's getting pushy with the girls. Past-Jared strolls up to
him calmly, and says something to the big guy. He shoves Past-Jared
back, then looks at his hand. Past-Jared's holding his shoulder, but the
big guy's hand is speared with the kunai from earlier.]

[Cut to outside the Histories Building. Four of the football player's
friends surround Past-Jared. The guy who started this has his hand
bandaged up. The other four are taunting Past-Jared, shoving him around.
His insomniac eyes on the ground, Past-Jared doesn't seem to even notice
the abuse. Then, he looks up and sees two of the girls from earlier.
They're a good fifty yards away, not really paying attention to the
impromptu huddle.]

Jared: (VO) Big, Stupid, and the three other morons-in-training weren't
really into negotiating, so I declared a cooling off period.

[Cut to black. Cue sounds of violence. Fade in fifty yards out, where
Past-Jared talks in an animated fashion with the two girls. In the
background, five unconscious football players lay in crumpled heaps near
the Histories building.]

[The blond is named Melanie, and has a devastating figure and haunting
green eyes. Her friend, Cherryl, is a tall, mouth-watering black girl
who looks like she's used to getting anything she wants. She gives
Past-Jared a predatory look throughout the whole conversation.]

Melanie: Geez, can you believe that professor?

Past-Jared: The man is suffering from diarrhea of the mouth.

Cherryl: I wouldn't say he _suffers_ from it.

Melanie: You took the words right out of my mouth.

Past-Jared: Sadly, he actually knows his stuff.

Cherryl: How do you know?

Past-Jared: Uh, inside information.

Melanie: You know, you didn't have to mess with those football players
on our account. They won't really bother us.

Past-Jared: Sorry. Uh, force of habit?

Cherryl: You beat up on people you don't like?

Past-Jared: In my line of work, I meet a lot of people that _deserve_ a
beating.

Melanie: Sounds like a rough job. What do you do?

Past-Jared: Ninja stuff.

Cherryl: What kind of ninja stuff.

Past-Jared: Ninja stuff I'm not allowed to tell people about. Sorry.
Code and honor and secrecy and all that.

Melanie: So you're a ninja? How's that working out?

Cherryl: (adding her $.02) Is it tough beating up so many people?

Past-Jared: (blushes) I finished Basic. And it's a living. I mean, I'm
still deciding if I want to finish and become a Master or what-have-you.
I came here to be an engineer. What about you guys?

Cherryl: I'm thinking fitness instructor. (poses, then laughs) But I'll
probably get a degree in Arms Dealing or something. It'll pay the bills.

Melanie: I don't know yet. I'm just getting a feel for everything, I
guess. Though the Magical Girl Club keeps wanting me to join...

[Picturing Melanie in the requisite uniform robs Past-Jared of higher
thought processes for a few seconds.]

Past-Jared: (imagination hijacking upper brain functions) Uh... ah...

Cherryl: You tease! Don't kill the boy; he's obviously sweet on you.

Past-Jared: I am not! Well, I mean, not that you aren't attractive or
anything-- (Cherryl huffs indignantly) Or that you're the most
attractive--I mean, what I mean to say is you're both terribly beautiful
and I... I... what was I saying?

Cherryl: I like him. Let's take him home with us.

Melanie: (scandalized) Cherryl!

[As Melanie chastises her friend, her books begin to slip out of her
grasp. Past-Jared seems to materialize at her side, calmly taking up the
load and keeping it from falling from her hands.]

Melanie: Thanks.

Past-Jared: Don't mention it.

[They stand there for a moment. When Cherryl clears her throat, they
realize they've been sharing personal space and staring into
one-another's eyes for several minutes. They jerk apart abruptly and
blush bright red.]

Cherryl: (gathering the other two up in a group hug) We're going to have
so much FUN together! Squee!

[The scene freezes there, with Cherryl holding her friends tight (and
groping Past-Jared without a hint of subtlety or shame).]

[Back in the recovery room.]

Jared: And like that, it was the three of us. First girl I could speak
coherently to... Well, the first girl I could speak coherently to that
didn't turn out to be out of her fucking mind.

Ritsuko: What's that mean?

[The scene cuts to Past-Jared nervously trying to talk up a rather
pretty brunette in another classroom. She nods as Past-Jared talks, but
before long, she tires of his banter and waves a hand before him. His
clothes instantly burst into flame.]

Past-Jared: Ahhh! It burns! Aiiieeeee!!!

[Cut to a busy sidewalk that's practically melting under the summer
heat. A woman wearing a bikini top and cut-of jeans is talking with
Past-Jared outside of a convenience store. Both are eating ice cream.
The woman finishes her cone first, then whips out a knife and takes
Past-Jared's ice cream before walking away like she does this all the
time.]

[In the recovery room.

Ritsuko: (amused) Where'd she get the knife?

Jared: See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! Fucking crazy. It was
like I was hitting on CIA agents all the time or something.

[Another shot of Past-Jared trying to talk up a girl. They're outside of
what appears to be a bank, both dressed like they're going in for a job
interview. Right in the middle of their conversation, she whips out a
huge hand-gun and executes a passing suit. Then she puts away the gun
and resumes her conversation with Past-Jared, who begins to sweat
profusely.]

Jared: (VO) Okay, okay! We get the picture! Anyway, we three became
almost inseparable. Well, there was that one day when we were literally
inseparable, but that's another story.

[Freeze-frame of Past-Jared, Melanie, and Cherryl tied together with
what appear to be soba noodles. Past-Jared is in the middle of screaming
at lanky guy in a white lab coat who's face is obscured by a smudge on
the camera lens.]

Jared: (VO) Another. Story.

[The scene fades to black.]

Jared: (VO) Anyway, we did everything together.

[The scene changes to a series of freeze-frames showing Past-Jared,
Cherryl, and Melanie studying in the library, eating at a local
fast-food establishment, attending a hockey game, helping to break up a
huge fight at said hockey game, rescuing people during a bank robbery,
racing go-karts, and walking through a huge park where the flowers are
blooming.]

Jared: (VO) Turns out, Cherryl was a tigress in the sack. She traded
sexual favors for help with homework, and occasionally came around "just
because." Melanie was enduring, a nice girl, but not one with many
friends. She was unbearably honest sometimes. I didn't deserve her, but
she seemed to dig me.

[The freeze-frames change to Past-Jared, Melanie, and Cherryl at the
movies, taking in some local comedy acts, and eating out. Then we see
Past-Jared and Melanie walking through a riverside park. The last shot
is of their hands gently touching.]

Jared: (VO) Distracted as I was with the bouncy duo, I began to feel
like a normal human being.

[The scene cuts to black.]

Jared: (VO) Then we had a string of bad hits.

[Open on another large mansion in flames. A security force wielding
P90's are sweeping the grounds with brutal efficiency. Periodically,
either Past-Jared or Brandon jump out of the shadows and take out a
straggler before using a smoke bomb and retreating again. After a few
minutes of this, the place looks like a war zone and both assassin and
handler are sporting various minor injuries.]

Jared: (VO) Brandon began to pressure me about finishing my training.

[Cut to Past-Jared and Brandon standing at a pool table. Both hold cue
sticks and take turns making near-impossible trick shots. As the view
rotates around, we can see the entire bar around them is trashed,
unconscious bodies everywhere. Past-Jared and Brandon's knuckles are
both a little scuffed.]

Brandon: (apparently just finishing a long speech) ... and that's the
situation.

Past-Jared: (looking at the balls) Heavy.

Brandon: That's why I wanted to talk to you right away.

Past-Jared: (watches Brandon line up a four-bank shot) What I am
supposed to do about it? I'm not able to single-handedly fight World War
III... though that does give me a great story idea...

[Past-Jared lines up his shot.]

Brandon: How about you finish Ninja. Get your Master degree. (watches
Jared send the cue ball over the bar) Once you're in Intermediate, you
can opt-in assignments.

Past-Jared: (checks his ear) _Excuse_ me?

Brandon: (fetching another ball) You're excused. I know it's a big
surprise.

Past-Jared: (now actually thinking over Brandon's words) Why?

[Brandon lines up another shot, but with exaggerated care.]

Brandon: What I'm about to tell you can't leave this building.

[Some pitiful soul at Past-Jared's feet groans. The Goon responds by
hitting him in the head with the pool cue. He then looks around the
silent bar pointedly.]

Brandon: (sinks a ball perfectly) I've never seen anyone with your kind
of skill. You've got ability, you've got brains... you can be a Master.
Once you do that, you're a made man.

Past-Jared: (looking over the table) Do I want to be a made man? If I
refuse, do I wind up at the bottom of the river?

Brandon: Please. It wouldn't be the river. Think about it; you'd be
rich, respected, (smirking) live large, a big house, five cars...

Past-Jared: (not amused) Ripping off bad rap music...

Brandon: (chuckles) You'd have the life you always wanted.

Past-Jared: (lines up his shot) You don't know what I want. Besides,
(sinks the ball perfectly) I'd still have to kill people for a living.

Brandon: You'd be making executive decisions and training recruits, not
jumping into firefights and dismembering broke thieves who crossed the
wrong person. It's better than what you'd have without us.

Past-Jared: ...

Brandon: Jared, I'm being honest with you--

Past-Jared: Don't. Don't tell me why. I don't tell you my reasons.

[Brandon goes quiet for a moment, watching Past-Jared with his one good
eye. Past-Jared ignores him, face unreadable, watching the pool table.]

Brandon: ...

Past-Jared: ...

Brandon: ...

Past-Jared: ...

Brandon: I'm not asking you to trust me. I'm just telling you how it is.

Past-Jared: I'll think about it.

Jared: (VO) I wasn't telling him that I quit, but right then I realized
that's what I meant, and that's exactly what he heard.

Brandon: (quickly pulls off another shot, leaving only the 8-ball on the
table) You do that.

[Past-Jared looks pensively at the two remaining balls; gleaming white
and shining black. We slowly fade to black, then fade in on the recovery
room.]

Ritsuko: So, you _were_ being told to take the job or select a coffin,
right?

Jared: Pretty much. I was still a "free agent," and I could work for
whoever I wanted, but my skills were far above par. They were scared of
me, scared of what I might do to them. I was a liability because of the
_potential_ for me to be a threat to them. What I didn't know then, was
that the entire world--with a few exceptions--saw me like that, and I
would never have a moment of peace.

[Cut to Past-Jared standing in front of a kiosk, violently demanding his
class schedule.]

Past-Jared: (raging; bad pseudo-British accent) Give me your bounty,
bellowing machine of chaos! I care naught for these beeps and errors,
relinquish mine schedule!

Impassive Mechanized Incarnation of Bureaucracy: ...

Past-Jared: (deeply, profoundly offended) Well... Fuck you!

[A laser turret pops out of the top of the machine. Students around
Past-Jared scatter, while a kunai slams into the gun. Past-Jared, his
own kunai still in his hand, pauses and does a double-take. Then he
turns, steeling himself for a fight. And there stands... Melanie. She
wears a short skirt and a criminally tight sweater. Scientific papers
are being written to explain how she can breath without it being torn
apart.]

Melanie: You gotta be careful with those things. (leans past Past-Jared,
_almost_ touching him, to collect his schedule) Very dangerous.

Past-Jared: (almost blushing) I... know a thing or two about danger.
(glances at the smash turret) Did you...

Melanie: (standing _well_ inside of Past-Jared's personal space) Do you
have a thing for danger?

Past-Jared: (smiles) I have nothing to fear.

Jared: (VO) Not as long as I was with her, I didn't.

Melanie: Oh, really?

Past-Jared: (shrugs) I'm a Ninja.

Melanie: (scans Past-Jared's schedule, then points at a particular spot)
Look here, you're free.

Past-Jared: (without checking) Of course.

Melanie: Meet me at the Amish Foot Bridge.

Jared: (VO) The Amish Foot Bridge was a well-known make-out spot. It
wasn't a even a bridge, really. It was a dock. And for the record, it
had nothing to do with the Amish. Anyway, a very nice place. This was a
big step for me. Sure, Cherryl put marks on my calender every time we
hooked up, but--

[Cut to the recovery room, where Ritsuko bursts out laughing. This goes
on for at least ten minutes while she laughs until she almost chokes and
has to spend another five minutes catching her breath and chasing down
rogue giggles.]

Jared: All done, then?

Ritsuko: (slight giggle) Completely. Anyway, you were spinning yarns
bigger than the geofront...

Jared: Yes. Anyway, there was this dock, and I was to meet Melanie.

[Cut back to the college. Melanie sashays away. Past-Jared watches every
movement, captivated. Sensing an opening, the hated kiosk behind him
hatches a gattling gun. Without looking, Past-Jared looses the kunai,
smashing the targeting camera. He smirks, then takes exactly one half of
a step towards the exit before his way is blocked by average-looking guy
who seems to step out of the crowd of extras.]

Past-Jared: (foot in the air) Can I help you?

Guy: You know, she hates guys who aren't faithful.

Past-Jared: What? Who the fuck are you?! Get out of here! I don't even
know you!

[The Average Guy steps back into the crowd of extras, and the eye is
unable to follow him now that he is camouflaged perfectly. Past-Jared
sighs and puts his foot down. Ready to take a second step, he suddenly
pauses when two average-look girls appear before him.]

Past-Jared: (warily) Can I help you?

Girl #1: She's new here, you know.

Girl #2: Cherryl's been great for her, but she doesn't really know her
way around the school, if you know what I mean.

Girl #1: Yeah, and there's rumors she swings both ways--

Past-Jared: Ladies, let me be the first to say... Get out of here! I
don't even know you! GET LOST.

[Past-Jared blinks, and the two are gone. He finally gets to take a
second step. Then a tall undistinguished guy in glasses is standing in
front of him.]

Past-Jared: Damn it... (whips out a katana; grimly) Time to make the six
o'clock news.

[Cut back to the NERV recovery room.]

Ritsuko: What did these people want?

Jared: To spread rumors. Apparently the entire school developed psychic
powers just that one day, and divined that Melanie and I were going from
friends to something more. Then it intervened.

Ritsuko: So, were you falling in love, or being tricked by a master
seductress?

Jared: (sighs) Both. Neither. At the time, I didn't care. Danger was
thrown at me on a daily, personal basis. Brandon and I were still
watching each other's back, I was just having a better time on campus.
The one safe zone.

Ritsuko: So you were dating her now?

Jared: Yes. Within a week, Cherryl referred to us as "destined,
betrothed!" She still occasionally begged us for a threesome, but cie'st
la vie.

Ritsuko: (musing) Melanie was the family's way of controlling you.

Jared: Yes, although I didn't realize it at the time. After that summer,
I signed up for a year of Engineering and Melanie went into Psychology.

[Past-Jared stands in a hallway straight out of a B-movie insane asylum.
Screams of inhuman torture echo down the hallway, while the muffled
mutterings of the insane reach his ears through locked steel doors. The
young Goon wears what appears to be a normal Ninja uniform, sans hood,
and holds a small cooler, apparently containing Melanie's lunch.]

Past-Jared: ... I am NEVER going for a Psych degree.

[Past-Jared presses on, and finds himself at a sort of reception area
slash nurse station. A short, unshaven man covered in a thin layer of
grime turns to greet the student. He has a patch over one eye, seven
fingers, and when he moves, the distinctive scrape of a wooden leg
issues from behind the counter. Past-Jared covertly slips his battered
Casio off his wrist as he approaches.]

Past-Jared: Um, excuse me?

Peg-Leg Receptionist: Aye? Whadda want, 'scoop?

Past-Jared: Well, I--

Peg-Leg Receptionist: Quiet! Let 'scoop finish, I'll get ta ya inna
minute!

[Past-Jared checks over his shoulder, seeing only the empty hallway. The
receptionist takes some instructions, writing them down with impressive
efficiency, then turns to Past-Jared and glances at the lunch box.]

P.L.R.: Class?

Past-Jared: Sophomore.

P.L.R.: Melanie, right?

Past-Jared: Yes.

[The P.L.R. points Past-Jared down a hallway.]

P.L.R.: 'Ere's a jun'ton down there, take tha fourth passage on yer
left, and ya canna miss 'er.

Past-Jared: Thank you, kind sir.

[The P.L.R. nods as a spider the size of a small dog mounts the desk.]

P.L.R.: No problem! (hits the spider on the head, then talks to it)
Down, Herbert!

[Past-Jared scoots away at Mach 2.0.]

[Cut to a short while later. Melanie and Past-Jared sit under a tree
outside of the Psychology building. Plants are just beginning to recover
from a tough winter. Past-Jared wears an Army surplus jacket over his
Ninja duds to ward off the chilly early spring weather. Melanie's figure
is almost pornographic in a tight lab coat. The luckiest black stockings
on earth caress her perfect legs.]

Past-Jared: How's class?

Melanie: (sighs) I feel like my brain's been scooped into a blender
that's been set to "puree."

Past-Jared: (smiles) I know that feeling. The good news is that they'll
pour it back into your head through that hole in a month or so.

[Melanie pulls a "panic" face and claps her hands over the top of her
head.]

Melanie: They were supposed to close that!

[Past-Jared, in the middle of an egg roll, starts laughing in spite of
himself, and begins choking on his food. Melanie grabs him and starts
pounding on his back.]

Melanie: My God! Spit it out! Spit it out!

[Past-Jared gives her a look, then swallows, his eyes watering.]

Past-Jared: Are you kidding? (coughs a bit) I'm not wasting any of my
lunch!

Melanie: (gets in Past-Jared's face) You could have died!

Past-Jared: (likewise) Only because you're so cute and funny!

Melanie: I only play cute and funny because I love you!

Past-Jared: I love you too! (smirk) Well, as long as it doesn't get me
killed.

[Melanie chuckles.]

Melanie: Why the Ninja outfit? I thought you weren't in Ninja any more.

Past-Jared: (nonchalant) Laundry day.

Melanie: (not buying it) I'm not buying it.

Past-Jared: (sets his food down and doesn't meet Melanie's eyes) I'm
still... working. I have a standing offer to finish Ninja... but I...

Melanie: Jared, I want you to know that it doesn't matter to me what you
do for a living as long as you're happy. (squeezes his hand) I'll love
you no matter what.

Past-Jared: (teary) Thanks... I... I don't deserve you...

Melanie: No. Don't you ever say that.

Past-Jared: (tentative smile) Damn. And here I was going to go off that
phrase and kidnap you so I could take you to dinner... (small smile
changes to sly grin) I _am_ a ninja, you know.

Melanie: (fake girlish panic) Oh _no_, who will save me!

Past-Jared: (fake bad guy laugh) No one, my pretty! You're all mine!
HAHAHA--

Unseen Voice: HALT, VILLAIN!

Past-Jared: --HA?!

Unseen Voice: Unhand that maiden!

[Melanie giggles.]

Past-Jared: You have _got_ to be kidding me... (puts on his mask)
NEVER!!!

Jared: (VO) And that would be Luke. The guy was trouble. Big trouble. I
only saw him once every few months... thank God his bones didn't knit
very fast.

[Cut to a shot of Past-Jared exiting a building from a fourth-story
window. Custard spews from the window, chasing Past-Jared down the wall.
Cut to another shot of Past-Jared riding a bicycle across the roofs of a
bunch of cars in a traffic jam. He's heading towards a distant figure
that fires rockets at him rapidly. Cut to a shot of Past-Jared dueling
with a heartbreakingly handsome young man with a bright golden locks and
a complexion women swoon over. Cut to the open yard behind the
depressing Psychology building, where Past-Jared puts on his Ninja Mask,
and turns to face Luke.]

[Luke is wearing a purple velvet suit and holding an elegant rapier with
golden trim. Flocks of passing school girls faint dead away upon spying
him.]

Luke: We have met for that last time, beast!

Past-Jared: Give it up, you Bishonen sleaze!

Luke: How DARE you yap at me, you little dog!

[Swords are raised. Eyes are narrowed. Past-Jared grabs Melanie and
their lunches, and bounds away without another word. Luke stands there
in mute anger for a moment, eye twitching as he watches Past-Jared leap
from roof top to roof top at impossible speeds.]

Luke: (fuming) How the HELL did he get so FAST?!

[Luke snaps his fingers and a black limousine screeches to a halt right
beside him. He ducks inside, and the limousine pulls away.]

[On the other side of the school, Past-Jared lands lightly on the ground
and sets Melanie on another bench, not even out of breath. There's a few
people walking about here and one man we can identify as Brandon, eye
patch and all, hiding behind a newspaper on a bench several dozen yards
away. Past-Jared no sooner sets his lunch down than a black limousine
halts right beside him and Luke steps out, naked steel in his hand and
fury upon his face.]

Luke: Insolence!

[Past-Jared sets his hand on his sheathed weapon. Melanie stands and
loops her arm in his.]

Melanie: Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm--

[Luke looks incredibly confused for a nanosecond, then drops to one
knee. A string quartet sprouts from the earth and begins playing
something classical while Luke offers a huge bouquet of roses to Melanie
while kissing her hand in greeting. Past-Jared is positively beside
himself in rage, but miraculously, there isn't a slaughter underway.]

[Yet.]

Luke: (full charm mode) My lady... I am Luke Agustus Westguard III. It
should be Luke Chivalry Westguard III, but I am a good son and endeavor
to bring happiness to my family.

[As Luke rises, he appears to stumble. Past-Jared's eyes narrow as he
spies the calculated slip, and watches in horror as one of Luke's
out-stretched hands brushes against Melanie's chest. Past-Jared's eyes
narrow, and Luke is suddenly gulping as the point of Past-Jared's sword
rests against his Adam's apple.]

Jared: (VO) They say every criminal's biggest mistake is getting caught.
Luke was an annoyance before, but now I had right where I wanted him.
His mistake was groping Melanie. Ironically, it wouldn't matter who he
had groped, it mattered that I saw him, and saw the pressure point
strike he executed, and could match the placement of his fingers to the
bruising I had seen on two dead bodies. Luke Agustus Westguard III was
my next contract.

[Bodyguards materialize around Past-Jared, who doesn't acknowledge their
presence.]

Past-Jared: (sing-song) Fo~ound you.

Luke: (speaking in a whisper) Waddell, you miscreant--

Past-Jared: (full James Rahn style) Shut. Up.

[One of Past-Jared's hands flashes out, touching Melanie in the side of
the neck. She shakes herself, wipes the dreamy look off her face, and
throws the flowers at Luke's feet. Luke's eyes shift from Melanie to
Past-Jared.]

Luke: (voice carrying the menacing edge of a threat) What's the meaning
of this?

Past-Jared: (with obvious relish) Just business. You're a contract. Two
women are in the hospital, two are in psych wards, and two are pushing
up daisies. Six families want you to be reminded that no-one is above
the law. You are a misogynist, a rapist, and a murderer. And since the
cops won't convince you to behave, I was hired. You have three seconds
to repent and surrender. Three.

Luke: (bad "I am just _shocked_" voice) I--I have no idea what you're
talking about.

Past-Jared: One. Zero.

Luke: What happened to two?!

[In response, Past-Jared removes the bodyguards from the equation. Luke
brings up his sword in a guarding position, but Past-Jared's first
strike cuts through it like it's not even there, and Luke's sword arm is
severed just below the shoulder. More bodyguards jump into action, and
the string quartet draws sub-machine guns. Past-Jared pushes Melanie to
the ground, and proceeds to become a shadowy whirlwind of violence. When
it's over, the place looks like a ninja tore through it... which is
_exactly_ what just happened.]

[Past-Jared stands over Melanie protectively, his sword dripping blood.
The bodyguards and assistants that are still alive are missing various
limbs and moan in pain. Luke is holding his own stump, to afraid to
attack, and rapidly paling from blood loss.]

Past-Jared: Go, and leave your limbs! They belong to me now!

[Brandon smiles behind his newspaper.]

[Cut away to Melanie and Past-Jared sitting at a table at the local Red
Robin.]

Ritsuko: (VO) What the--hold up there!

[Back in the recovery room.]

Jared: What?

Ritsuko: You killed his bodyguards but let him go?

Jared: As much as I hate scum like him, it was business. Let him go with
a proper lesson. Someone had alerted the school authorities that Luke
was looking for trouble with a price on his head... arm, whatever. They
came in and cleaned up the mess once I was done. Standard fare for my
school.

Ritsuko: Sorry, that's just a really abrupt cut away.

Jared: I don't want to bore you.

Ritsuko: No, I'm afraid that will never happen. Back to the story.

Jared: Right, well, Melanie and I were having a little date one night,
about a week after this incident.

[Back in the past, Past-Jared and Melanie have received their food, but
work their way through it slowly, preferring conversation to nourishment
for the moment. Apparently it's taken them about a quarter of their meal
to get through the small talk.]

Past-Jared: So, you aren't mad at me?

Melanie: No, what would I be mad at your for?

Past-Jared: Well, aside from the blood stains--

Melanie: Hello? Psych department? Those are practically a pre-requisite.

Past-Jared: I killed a whole bunch of people in cold blood! I cut off a
man's arm because I was paid to!

[He quiets down as the other patrons stare.]

Melanie: Look, I know what you do. Besides, I'd been reading about that
case in the newspapers. I had no idea he was the one killing those
girls. I don't even know how you knew.

Past-Jared: (off-hand) He was using a special technique that left a
distinctive mark on his victims. Luke was a monster in human skin...

Melanie: See? That's exactly what I'm talking about. Jared, you and I
both know that the cops wouldn't arrest him, and if they did, he'd get
what? A week in jail? You... you have the ability to resolve the
situation.

Past-Jared: (picking at his food) You make it sound like I'm doing good.

Melanie: (dabs at her eyes) Jared... you are the strangest person I've
ever met, with the biggest heart and the bloodiest hands.

Past-Jared: You mean I'm the biggest hypocrite you've ever met.

Melanie: No! I think you just haven't learned that there will always be
some evil in the world. You can't get rid of it for good. You just keep
the good people safe from the bad. Keeping order in the face of chaos.
Preserving hope when all seems lost... that's just what some people can
do. We call those people heroes, Jared. (looks into his eyes) You're a
hero. You have what it takes.

[Suddenly Past-Jared doesn't look hungry at all.]

Past-Jared: An offer has been made to me.

Melanie: What kind of offer?

Past-Jared: Apparently some people have this crazy idea that I can be a
Ninja Master.

Melanie: Cool. But do you still want to be an engineer?

Past-Jared: While vanishing from boring meetings with Ninja skills would
be incredibly useful... I don't know. I'm no one special.

[Melanie pushes aside her food to take Past-Jared's hands.]

Melanie: Jared, you _are_ special. I believe you can be THE Ninja
Master. I believe that even if you put aside the mask, you'll still want
to save people. You're like Spiderman, or Superman, or something like
Batman, but your parents are still alive.

Past-Jared: You think I should finish the training?

[Melanie bits her lip, and for a moment, looks away from Past-Jared's
eyes. But her gaze returns to caress his, open and honest, before she
answers.]

Melanie: Jared, I think you shouldn't let other people decide your
future for you.

[Past-Jared thinks this over for a while. The pair eats in silence, but
it's a companionable silence, the kind that brings two people closer
together without the exchange of a single word.]

Past-Jared: I'm going to keep working for Brandon.

[Melanie smiles a little smile, and the two hold hands again for a
minute, then Melanie takes a deep breath and opens her mouth to speak.]

[Cut back to the recovery room.]

Jared: Melanie and Brandon were siblings. She confessed everything to me
right then. She didn't know exactly what was wanted from me; she was
told not to direct me or anything, just comfort me. Just make sure I was
as happy as I could be, given the circumstances I was under. She knew
what work I did; she didn't know I was doing it for Brandon. She didn't
know that I was her family's ace in the hole, the murder machine who was
becoming the most feared person in the entire country.

Ritsuko: Why did you decide to take Brandon up on his offer? Did she try
to talk you out of it after confessing?

[Cue a cut of the scene where Past-Jared beat up the football players.
We watch the action from a different angle, and can see that Brandon is
perched in one of the evergreen trees, watching Past-Jared finish off
the weaklings and approach the girls. Then we cut back to the recovery
room.]

Jared: I was happy. A few months later, we were all but married. Then I
got my summer schedule, and on it was special training classes.

[Open on a tiny house, where Melanie is cooking breakfast while
Past-Jared takes care of the laundry. With soap, like a normal person.
The two are smiling and laughing.]

[Cut to Past-Jared reading scrolls and training manuals, and doing forms
in the house's front yard. In the background, children play in the yards
of neighboring houses. Melanie sits on the porch in her lab coat, trying
to read a text book, but watching Past-Jared lovingly.]

Jared: (VO) I had Melanie at my side and she loved me. There were no
secrets between us.

[A picture of Melanie and Past-Jared is shown. They are dressed
casually, giving each other bunny ears. Another picture appears, of
Melanie, Past-Jared, and Brandon sitting on a park bench, the splendid
colors of fall all around them.]

[Cut to the recovery room.]

Jared: I was happy. Melanie was walking on air. Brandon was ecstatic.
Hell, we were all fucking delirious with joy... but I was lying to
myself, and the demons came back to me in the night.

[Shot of Past-Jared wandering the dark house in the middle of the night.
He's wearing some thick flannel pajamas, but he's shivering.]

Jared: (VO) I coasted through class. Half the time it was like I was
disconnected from reality.

[Shot of Melanie and Past-Jared eating lunch inside while the first snow
falls. Melanie is reading a huge text book, and when Past-Jared doesn't
answer one of her questions, she taps him on the nose. Past-Jared looks
startled.]

[In the recovery room.]

Jared: One night, Melanie was up with me, asking me why I was grinding
my teeth in my sleep. I didn't have an answer she would like, so I kept
quiet.

[Fade in on Past-Jared and Melanie sitting up in a bed. A single lamp
lights the room, putting soft edges on everything.]

Melanie: You can't keep doing this, Jared.

Past-Jared: (harshly) It's only the rest of my life.

Melanie: That hurts, you know.

Past-Jared: ... I'm sorry.

Melanie: Did you ever... did you ever think this wasn't what you were
meant to be?

Past-Jared: Lots of times. But I can't just give it all up. Melanie,
there are people out there that--

Melanie: ... People out there that what?

Past-Jared: Jesus Christ! I'm even beginning to think like him!

Melanie: ...

Past-Jared: ...

Melanie: ... I love you.

Past-Jared: I love you too, but...

Melanie: No "buts." What do you want?

Jared: (VO; gritty voice) "The things that I want," by Jared Waddell. A
warm body next to me in bed. A sleep without dreams or nightmares. I
want to be happy, to be whole.

Past-Jared: I want you. I want to do something with my life besides kill
people.

Jared: (VO; still gritty voice) The trouble with wanting something is
the fear of losing it, or never getting it. The thought makes you weak.

Melanie: We can do both.

Jared: (VO) And just like that, she had destroyed everything.

Past-Jared: What? Do you even remember who the hell you are? Who I am?

Melanie: I'm a smart girl, and I can tell you're... well, you're someone
I trust without question. I'd do anything for you.

Past-Jared: (thinking this is insane) You're suggesting we go on the run
from one of the world's biggest crime families.

Melanie: (grins) Kind of "Romeo and Juliet."

Past-Jared: (grimaces) Romeo and Juliet are dead.

Melanie: (pouts) Sorry, honey.

Past-Jared: (chuckles) Hey, listen. Let's sleep on it, okay? We'll talk
to your father and Brandon. Just because I'm tired of being up to my
neck in dead bodies doesn't mean I'm out.

[The two embrace. After a moment, Melanie slips out of bed.]

Melanie: (yawning) I'm going to get a glass of water. Don't move from
that spot. (kisses Past-Jared on the forehead) I always knew you were a
hero.

[Past-Jared settles back in the bed. Melanie shuts off the lamp as she
leaves, and the room is lit by a single night light.]

[In the recovery room, you could hear a pin drop.]

Jared: (distant look) I could tell you anything about that room. Its
dimensions down to the inch, the locations and sizes of every cobweb. I
know how many cracks were on the ceiling, how many pinholes were in the
walls. Not because I'd been in there many times, but because that moment
I remember with a clarity that I remember nothing else.

Ritsuko: What did Melanie destroy?

Jared: Any chance of happiness, though we didn't realize it at the time.

[Back in the house, Melanie starts shouting. The sounds of objects
hitting the walls and falling to the floor follow. Past-Jared leaps out
of bed as two men in body armor charge into the room with assault
rifles.]

[They see an empty bed. One hits the lights, and both sweep the entire
room.]

Man #1: Nothing!

[Past-Jared drops down behind the second man without a sound. His eyes
are nearly colorless; white with a perfect black circle in the center. A
kunai is in one of his hands.]

Man #2: The ceiling!

[Both men turn and scan the ceiling. Past-Jared calmly maneuvers until
he's exactly between them. Once the men finish their sweep and think the
room is empty, he strikes. All we can see is a blur and blood flying,
then Past-Jared steps over two dead bodies, moving out of the bedroom
with all the noise of a gnat farting.]

[Cut to outside of the house. Screams of terror and bursts of silenced
gun fire are heard from inside. A large gray van without license plates
and a small tan Toyota are parked on the street, their tire tracks fresh
in the newly-fallen snow. Brandon, dressed in a full Ninja get-up,
stands next to the Toyota. Two massive men dressed in combat armor stand
on either side of him, with M249 Squad Automatic Weapons aimed at the
tiny house.]

[The screams rise to a crescendo, then die out. Silence blankets the
house, then a window is kicked in. The M249's open fire, shredding
glass, wood, and brick with awesome power. A fleeting shadow dashes
through the front door, and instantly bullets are pummeling the home's
entrance. A second later, Brandon calmly raises one hand to keep a spray
of blood from hitting him in the face. He doesn't even look as both of
the men wielding the machine guns collapse, the white snow giving way to
spreading pools of blood colored black in the sodium light.]

[Past-Jared stands in the middle of the front yard. Curiously, no foot
prints lead to his feet, either from the street or the house. He's
wearing his full Ninja suit, but without the hood. His face is placid as
an underground lake.]

Past-Jared: Brandon.

Brandon: (pulls his hood off) Jared.

Past-Jared: I'm waiting.

[Brandon lifts his left arm slowly into the air. A small black box with
a single bright red button is in his hand. On cue, the Toyota rocks on
its suspension as a figure inside, bound with rope and covered in
dynamite, sits up. You know who it is.]

Past-Jared: Clever. Bugged the house?

Brandon: Heh. Are you kidding? I remodeled half that place with my own
two hands.

Past-Jared: She knew?

Brandon: Some of it. You kids... you think you really know everything.

[Past-Jared seems to flicker, then looks to his left. Brandon throws a
kunai at the Basic graduate with his free hand, and Past-Jared idly
kicks the projectile out of the air while executing a quick mid-air
dodge. He then pulls a black ball out of his uniform and throws it down
the street. A muffled boom echoes to the two men a moment later.]

Past-Jared: You guys need another sniper.

Brandon: (still holding onto the detonator box) Quit fucking around! I
tried to warn you, Jared. I tried to tell you something important, and
you fucking ignored me.

Past-Jared: Then quit trying and tell me!

Brandon: (sighs) It's open season on Jared. You're too dangerous to be
alive if you aren't with one of the families.

[Inside the car, Melanie lowers her head, tears streaming from her
eyes.]

Brandon: (continuing) I wasn't trying to force you into a job, I was
trying to protect you!

Past-Jared: (eyes flicker briefly to Melanie) How noble.

Brandon: Jared, I will let you go tonight. You can walk away and I won't
lift a finger, but you'll be found. You'll be hunted down and killed.
You have to the potential to be the greatest Master the world has ever
seen, and that'd be a waste.

[Past-Jared gives no indication that he's even heard Brandon's words.
The taller man's eyes remain fixed on Past-Jared's emotionless orbs.]

Brandon: My sister loves you, and I won't let you drag her off to get
killed.

Past-Jared: You want to use dynamite instead?

Brandon: Have you ever heard of bluffing, dude?!

Past-Jared: Dude, you're out of your fucking mind.

Brandon: You can't take her.

[When Past-Jared speaks again, his words are laced with anger like he
has never shown before in this story.]

Past-Jared: Can you really stop me?

Brandon: (hand with the detonator twitches) I already have.

Past-Jared: (looks at Melanie) What do you say, dear?

[Despite her face being wet with tears, Melanie holds her head up high
and looks Past-Jared in the eye.]

Melanie: (calmly) Be the hero, Jared. I know you can do it.

[Past-Jared nods and looks at Brandon. When he speaks again, his voice
is infinitely colder than the snow that falls weightless to the ground
between them.]

Past-Jared: (casual but emotionless tone) You have been a fine mentor,
guide, coworker, and friend. (pulls on his mask) But you've threatened
the woman I love, and you threw a fucking kunai at me. You are now an
enemy. I still love and respect you, Brandon, but I'm going to kill you.

Brandon: Jared, do you understand what you're doing?

Past-Jared: I'm sorry we're on different sides now.

[Brandon doesn't move, but the air around him becomes charged with
tension.]

Past-Jared: (voice perfectly level) Are you going to press that button
or what?

Brandon: (draws a massive nagita) Jared, I'm sorry it comes to this.

Past-Jared: (seems to turn transparent) Indeed.

[Cut to the recover room. Jared smirks.]

Jared: You know, the funny thing is, I can't tell you most of what
actually happened in that fight.

Ritsuko: Ninja secrets?

Jared: Mostly, but also because I don't remember all of the details. I
do remember that I was once again facing an opponent with ten times my
experience but with maybe an eighth of my skill. It's... weird being me,
you know.

Ritsuko: (rolls her eyes. I know. So, now the bucks lock horns?

Jared: Yes, but something got in the way.

Ritsuko: The detonator?

Jared: An RPG round, actually. Third party. I don't know who they were,
I don't know how they got there. They came out of nowhere. Fucked up the
van big-time. Thank God no-one was in there.

[Cut back to the suburban war zone. Past-Jared and Brandon fade out of
the shadows and assault a passing pickup truck, from which the RPG had
been launched. Swords cut through steel like butter. But the vehicle is
just a distraction. More ninja appear, now surrounding the duo. Past-
Jared and Brandon suddenly move to covering each other's backs, slicing
through the attackers with flawless coordination. Eventually, the pair
whittles their opponents down to one man, who decides on a suicide
charge. Past-Jared and Brandon take him at the same time, but from
different angles. The man drops his weapon at the last second and grabs
Brandon, throwing him into Past-Jared. A split-second after the two
former partners collide, the Toyota blows itself into flaming little
bits of metal and other unspeakable stuff.]

[The last attacker has not the chance to even draw a breath of surprise
before his body is unevenly divided into twenty-four separate pieces.]

[And in the next instant, Past-Jared and Brandon stand facing
one-another, swords drawn, breathing heavily, with murder flashing in
their eyes.]

[For a moment, neither moves. Then Brandon glances at the crater where
the Toyota was. Where Melanie was. This seems to break the spell over
Past-Jared, and he takes a shaky step back. Brandon is silent, but
Past-Jared is fighting to get words out, to say something, to apply
reason to feelings that will have nothing to do with it.]

[What finally escapes his lips is the scream of a soul dying. Brandon
watches him. Past-Jared's shoulders slump, the tip of his bloody sword
touching the snow and staining it black.]

[After a only a few seconds of wailing, Past-Jared closes his mouth
tightly, choking off the scream. He looks at Brandon, and slowly raises
his sword.]

Brandon: Jared...

[Past-Jared says nothing. He just attacks.]

Ritsuko: (VO; derisive) Men.

Jared: (VO; sniffs) I had nothing left but my pain. Brandon was just a
convenient target.

[The two duel on a whole different level now. Strangely, their battle is
silent save for the ringing strikes of steel against steel and the
occasional grunt of exertion. Yet parts of the landscape are torn
asunder in their passing. The street light in front of the house
topples. Nearby cars are sliced into ribbons. There's about a hundred
throwing stars stuck into virtually everything in sight. The scene fades
to black as we see Past-Jared and Brandon clash, sword-to-sword.]

Ritsuko: (VO) You killed him?

Jared: (VO) That's the worst part...

[Flash of Past-Jared bouncing off of the house and charging Brandon so
fast he's just a blur. Brandon blocks and watches in amazement as his
sword is cut apart inches above the hilt. Cut to black.]

Jared: (VO) It wasn't just him that I killed.

[Flash of Past-Jared landing behind Brandon, who stares dumbly at the
stump of his blade. In the polished steel, we also see Past-Jared shift
his stance and grab his sword with his left hand. The stance is
frighteningly familiar to anyone who's watched "Ruroni Kenshin."]

Brandon: Incredible...

[Cut to black.]

Ritsuko: (VO) Melanie?

Jared: (VO; all but sobbing) Yes.

[Cut back to the close-up of the remains of Brandon's sword. A flash of
blond hair obscures the reflection of Past-Jared, who's already
slashing--wait, he's done. We pan around to see that Past-Jared's blade
has all but cut Melanie and her brother in half at the waist.]

Brandon: (gasps) Left-handed battou-jitsu...

[Past-Jared's face is still covered by his mask, but everything he feels
is shown plainly in his eyes--which now look perfectly normal. Melanie
just looks very, very surprised.]

[Past-Jared lets go of the sword, now in shock. Melanie reaches up with
one hand, and Past-Jared quickly pulls his mask off so her hand touches
bare skin and not blood-soaked cloth. Her fingers caress his cheek, then
slides off as the hand falls limp.]

[A moment later, Past-Jared stands, looks at the remains on the ground,
at the bodies in the street, and the smoking wrecks that used to be
cars... He pulls out his sword, and with a cry, rams it halfway into the
ground. He lowers his stance, focusing, and with a cry, suddenly snaps
the blade in two.]

[He throws the hilt of the weapon into the street.]

[He leaves his mask at Melanie's feet.]

[As the sound of police sirens grow louder, he turns and walks away, his
face pale, his shoulders stooped in exhaustion.]

[Cut to the recovery room. Jared has commandeered a box of Kleenex, and
is making good use of them. Ritsuko waits patiently for him to continue,
her expression unreadable.]

Jared: So that was it. I canceled all of my courses and took a
sabbatical. I took my training into my own hands. The first assassin
that came looking for me wound up as the central figure in the Spring
Break Prank of '99. No-one made an attempt on my life after that... and
just between you and me, that guy had actually confused me with somebody
else.

Ritsuko: No-one came after you?

Jared: Leaving the mask and sword broken? That's giving in. Period. I'm
going to be a Master Ninja, not here or in any other plane of existence.
Others understood the symbolism. I'd lost everything dear to me; I
wasn't going to be a tool or a pawn, and if you tried to fuck with me,
you'd better pick out coffins for your entire family beforehand.

Ritsuko: An excellent 'scorched earth' policy.

Jared: (scoffs) It worked for me.

Ritsuko: And then the Angel spit you out?

Jared: Not quite. There was one last thing I remembered... something I
think I had almost forgotten about. A point of closure, if you will.

[Cut to a lonely headstone. June heat hits the graveyard's visitors like
a fist of flame. A massive bouquet of flowers virtually hides one
particular headstone. All but the person's first name is covered by
flower petals.]

[Melanie.]

[Past-Jared stands before the grave, eyes permanently insomniac, and
half-crazed. His pressed dress shirt and kahki's look stiflingly hot. He
is full of manic energy, but as he looks at the grave, it slowly fades
away. One has the impression that the man standing here now is but a
shadow of who he should be, a man who has seen rough years and endured
many hardships, even though mere months have passed since this headstone
was raised.]

Past-Jared: (whispers) I'm sorry. God I'm sorry... I still don't know
how to even make it up to you... but I promised. (steadies himself) I
don't know how I'll ever...

[He closes his eyes tightly for a moment, then sets a large bouquet of
roses on the headstone. His eyes open, filled with a determination
impossible to measure with mere words.]

Past-Jared: Never again.

[Behind him, another young man comes forward. It is none other than
Past-John, clad in a white T-shirt and black shorts, his shirt
displaying the logo of the state college he apparently attends.]

Past-John: (from behind Past-Jared) Should I ask?

Past-Jared: (quiet for a few minutes, but finally) No.

[Past-Jared gestures to the neighboring headstone where the name
"Brandon" can be seen.]

Past-Jared: An old friend there.

[Past-John looks at the graves.]

Past-John: If you don't mind me asking, (points at Melanie's headstone)
when did she die?

Past-Jared: About six months ago.

Past-John: (gears are obviously turning within his head) About the same
time you--

Past-Jared: (cutting him off) Yes. Let's go babe-watching.

[Past-Jared turns to leave. Past-John glances at the grave, curiosity on
his face.]

Past-John: I'll meet you at the mall.

Past-Jared: Of course you will; I'm driving us there.

Past-John: ("Superman" voice) No need for that, citizen. Up, up, and
away!

[Past-Jared is suddenly silent. Blinking, he resumes the march to his
car with a shrug, leaving Past-John to pose and shout in the graveyard.]

Past-John: Up, up, and away! ... Up, up, and away! ... Oh to Hell with
this. Jared, wait up!

[Fade out, then fade in on the recovery room. Jared is, oddly enough,
smiling.]

Jared: That... You know, I never realized it, but that was the first
time in my life that I had ever felt like I'd be all right. Like the
world would be all right. I forget that feeling too easily sometimes.

Ritsuko: (after a moment of silence) I take it your referring to every
time the JSSDF has jumped you?

Jared: Pretty much. Look, Ritsuko, I'm a fucking violent bastard. I
can't stand myself when I'm like that, but push the right buttons and
that's just what I become. I deal with it. If the JSSDF won't learn,
that's their problem.

Ritsuko: ... So after you remembered something happy, the Angel spit you
out?

Jared: (shrugs) ... Maybe it was afraid of me being happy.

Ritsuko: (thinking) You don't make one damn bit of sense, you little
lying bastard. (out loud) Maybe it saw how fucked up you were and
decided we weren't worth destroying.

Jared: (shrugging) We'll never know now. (cocky) Either way, I saved the
day.

Ritsuko: (snaps off the recorder) You're under orders to remain here
until the doctor's clear you. Not that you've ever listened to anything
I say...

[Jared poses dramatically. Without clothes.]

Jared: You wound me!

[Ritsuko curses her lack of a camera before Jared drops back onto the
bed and under the covers.]

Jared: (too chipper) Well, see ya around, doc.

Ritsuko: Yes. I'll see you too, Waddell.

[She slips out without another word.]

----------

[The recovery room, some hours later. The door opens to admit the three
stooges--Toji, Kensuke, and Shinji. Jared spies them, his calm, watching
stare freezing them in their tracks. Then the moment passes and the four
greet each other in the tradition of insecure heterosexual males
everywhere.]

Toji: Hey.

Jared: Hey.

Kensuke: 'Sup.

Shinji: Hey. How are you doing?

Jared: Fine, fine. How are things on the outside?

Shinji: Boring. We've been sitting in the staging rooms since yesterday.

Toji: We... we were worried about you, man.

Jared: No you weren't. (looks at Toji) You're upset that I taught you to
sing, aren't you?

Shinji: We aren't supposed to sing during an alert!

Kensuke: Singing? What?

Shinji: Eh, Jared taught Toji to do something we're prohibited from--

Jared: (raises a finger) Read the manual, Shinji. It is _not_
prohibited, just... frowned upon. You silly Japanese... is Asuka still
upset at me?

Shinji: (glowering) About what, specifically?

Jared: Um... never mind. (begins whistling "Fly me to the Moon")

Toji: We shoulda brought a card or something.

Kensuke: Or one of those hand grenade lighters.

Jared: (looking at Kensuke) You aren't going to train with Andy. Ever.

[He looks at the ceiling. The pilots look at the ceiling. For a moment
all four admire the hastily tacked-up poster of a naked and very well-
endowed woman giving a lascivious "come hither" gesture to all who look
at her.]

Toji: (slight blush) What is it with you and girls?

Jared: Throughout history, women have been oppressed, treated as sex
objects, sacrifices, and slaves. The oldest profession is prostitution
for crying out loud! I admire woman for her strength, for her persever-
ance, for her forgiving nature, for carrying children, and for enduring
the fire and the sword! Woman _deserves_ to be free, to be worshiped!
She is the hearth, the home, and the sheath for man! (crosses himself) I
lay in humble awe of woman, and dedicate myself to treating the fairer
sex in the manner they truly deserve, not pillage their rights to
satisfy my base urges.

Toji: And yet, helping them just has to involve tons of sex, right?

Jared: (first genuine smile of the day) Who am I to complain if being
such a great guy just goes along with engaging in the natural and common
practice of procreation?

[All four look serious and nod gravely for all of three seconds, then
burst out laughing.]

----------

[A short while after Suzuhara and Ikari leave, Rei enters Jared's
hospital room.]

Jared: Oi. I really don't feel up a quickie right now, Rei-chan.

Rei: ...

Jared: My hands are doing fine, though.

Rei: ...

Rei: ...

Jared: Did you want something?

Rei: are you all right?

Jared: < o_0; > I'm...okay. How are you?

Rei: i am fine.

Jared: (lets out a whistle while eying her appreciatively) Yes you are.

Rei: ...

Jared: ...

[Rei turns to leave.]

Jared: Rei?

Rei: hai?

Jared: Can you do me a favor?

Rei: ...

Jared: Give Asuka a big kiss with lots of tongue. Please? I'll pay you
if you can video tape it!

[Rei opens the door and steps into the hallway.]

Rei: i'll think about it.

[Then the door closes.]

Jared: (to himself) Aren't you a ray of sunshine today?

----------

          [Public Service Announcement 3: Back from the Dead.]

Author-Jared: (holding up a... moldy black book?) Behold, the Tome of
Lost Ideas!

Author-John: (worried) What are you going to do with that?

Author-Andy: Don't open it, you'll kill us all!

Author-Jared: Don't be silly. There's gotta be a good one in here.

[He opens the book, and it is ripe.]

Author-Andy: Eew!

Author-John: Jared, they're dead! They're gone! You can't bring them
back!

Author-Jared: (insane cult leader voice) Can't I?

[Freeze frame, a chibi-Andy walks into the scene.]

Chibi-Andy: Let dead ideas rest in peace.

----------

[Hours later, Andy walks through the door to Jared's hospital room.]

Jared: Not it.

Andy: What?

Jared: I can tell just by the look on your face.

Andy: Don't start with me. I need to know--Not--

Jared: Not it!

Andy: --it! Damn you Waddell! (cracking) That's not fair! Three two
one--

Jared: Not it!

Andy: --Not it! ... GOD DAMN IT!!! You always call not it first!

Jared: (shrugs) What else did you come here for?

Andy: (snarling) The 12th.

Jared: (thoughtful) Everyone's been sooo curious about that lately.
(pulls down his hospital gown a bit to reveal a surprisingly hairy chest
and speaks in a voice dripping seduction) Isn't there something else
you'd like to talk about?

[Andy looks ready to burst an aorta. He stops and takes a few calming
breaths. Jared waits patiently.]

Andy: So. What happened inside?

Jared: (lighting his face from below with a flashlight and speaking in a
spooky voice) It was a living hell...

Andy: Oh? Well forget I asked, then.

Jared: But... but... I had a flashback all prepared!

Andy: (checks his Mini-MAGI) Well, the next scene's not due up for
another thirty seconds. What have you got?

Jared: It's only one cut.

[Andy gestures "go ahead."]

----------

[Flashback.]

[Jared is facing himself. Nothing unusual, at least in Eva.]

Jared: What the fuck? I'm in one of those Abstract Eva Mind thingies,
aren't I?

Jared: Yes you are.

Jared: I'm here to question my existence or some shit?

Jared: That's my job, actually.

Jared: Fuck that noise. (short pause) I've always wanted to do this.

Jared: Well, go for it. It's your time after all.

[Two two point at each other excitedly.]

Jared: You da man!

Jared: No, you da man!

Jared: No, _you_ da man!

[End Flashback (THANK THE MOTHER FUCKING LORD!).]

----------

Andy: (clawing at the door) LeT mE OuT!!!

Jared: Hey, I want to know what happened to John!

[Andy stops and looks even more shaken than before.]

Andy: ... Didn't you heard his brain break?

Jared: No. Did it snap like a twig under an elephant's hoof?

Andy: Elephants don't have hooves, do they?

Jared: I suppose parties sufficiently interested can find that out for
themselves.

[Both Goons look pointedly at you for a moment.]

Jared: Anyway, it's the distinctive sound of a dry pretzel being broken
in two with the devil's own pliers in the hands of a soulless ice-cream
man. (sighs) Oh, the memories...

Andy: (nods) That was the sound.

Jared: So, he's reached the preliminary dissociative state?

Andy: It's pretty mild this time. We're looking at a class-1 patch
failure.

Jared: (muses over this for a moment) It sure came on quick. I don't
suppose there's any hint of further disruption in the matrix.

Andy: We're not that unlucky yet, but the 13th could arrive any time.

Jared: I'd like to breathe free air before jumping into the breech
again. What about the Jet-Alone MkII?

Andy: A week away, or something like that. Look, John's our first
priority.

Jared: Okay. What are you thinking?

Andy: I'm thinking a full patch. We'll remain prepared for a Class 6
failure.

Jared: Well, we are in Eva.

Andy: Yes, of course.

----------

[A few doors down the hall, the Goons enter another private room. John
is strapped to a bed, humming the Imperial March from Star Wars.]

Andy: John, what day is it?

John: Candy! (short pause) I'm sorry, what was the question?

[Andy and Jared exchange knowing looks.]

Jared: < ^_^ > I can fix him. I have the technology!

[In a flash, Jared is wearing a surgical gown and holding a shaving
razor in one hand and a bone saw in the other. He walks over to John,
joined by a tall nurse who leans over John to tuck in the sheet covering
him, flashing a foot of cleavage in the process. Jared revs the bone saw
with enthusiasm.]

Andy: < -_- > No. Let me flash him. You snap him out of it. He'll be
docile, easy to lead, just like last time. Avoid anyone important or
dangerous and get him to the apartment. I'll run interference and get
the anime lined up for "reprogramming."

Jared: (back his "normal" clothes, playfully slaps the nurse's ass as
she leaves) How long do you think the patch will hold?

Andy: No way to tell for certain.

Jared: (serious in a way he hasn't been... well, since the beginning of
this series) Andy, you'll have to keep the womenfolk away. You know what
kind of trouble they'll stir up.

Andy: I know.

Jared: (grabs Andy's arm, eyes flash threateningly) Andy. You will _not_
tell them what happened. Not a word of it.

Andy: (gulps) Not a word.

Jared: All right. (lets go of Andy) Flash him.

Andy: (pulls out the neurolizer) Cover your eyes.

[Flash.]


           --------------------------------------------------

                              TITLE FLASH:

                           Three Goons in Eva
                               Episode 9

                           What Plot hole? /
                        It came with the _____

           --------------------------------------------------


[Outside of John's room, Andy puts the neurolizer away, checks his
Mini-MAGI, and quickly teleports to a hallway nearly a mile away.]

Andy: (appearing in front of Misato and Ritsuko on their way to Hospital
#2) LOOK, A FLYING PIG!!!

[The NERV officers walk past him, talking amongst themselves.]

Andy: (thinking the painfully obvious) That's not going to distract
them. I must... strategize.

[Andy fires a ki blast down the hallway, detonating it a dozen yards
past the women.]

Ritsuko: What the hell was that for?!

Misato: You nearly killed us!

Andy: (assumes a running pose) It's time to play "follow the mad
mecha..."

[But Ritsuko and Misato have already ducked through a side door.]

Andy: (idly) Usually it's the background extras that run away from me.
And usually, they're screaming. (sets himself) I can't believe I'm going
to chase women for those bastards...

----------

[Jared sits on the only chair in John's room. John's reciting verses
from the Necronomicon in the original Sanskrit. But Jared isn't really
paying attention, even when one of the incantations catches his hair on
fire. No, his attention is turned inward, to the past, to the past he
related to Ritsuko, to when he wasn't there for John because...]

Jared: (thinking) I just have to get him to the apartment. He's _my_
responsibility. I just need him moving... I need to snap him out of
it...

Melanie: (VO from memory) You have what it takes...

Jared: (sighs, then sets himself) Look! Rit-chan naked!

[No response. Jared whips off his shoes and grabs a few supplies from
the room's cabinet and begins juggling them. Well, he throws them into
the air with great flourish, anyway. The NERV orchestra tosses off a few
bars from the Sabre Dance.]

Jared: (bowing and smiling, even as the objects pelt the back of his
head) Eh? Eh? EH?!

[No response.]

[Jared pulls up a curtain for a few seconds. When it drops, he's dressed
in a tutu. The NERV Orchestra begins a fast-paced Can-Can tune that
Jared dances to for a moment.]

[No response.]

[Jared attempts shadow puppets on John's prone form, using a nearby
floor lamp.]

[Nothing.]

[But Jared doesn't give up easily. He tries tickling the Goon, pushing
his bed around, reading literature to him, doing a solo of "The Pirates
of Penzance," throwing daggers at the bed and wall around him, shooting
apples from his head with arrows, and holding a rich chocolate and
strawberry sundae under his nose.]

[Jared stops to ponder his next move, but after finishing the sundae,
whatever evil machinations were brewing within his "brain" are rendered
irrelevant. When he's making to leave for a few shaving razors and a
bucket of warm water, John finally wakes up.]

John: (as if just realizing this) I know C++.

Jared: (horrified) Show me.

[John whips a pen out of...somewhere, and draws something on his sheets.
Jared reads it, runs to the wastebasket and becomes violently sick.]

Jared: (wiping his mouth) Only object-oriented code can make me that
nauseous. Okay, that proves you know C++. How do you feel?

John: Purple.

Jared: I go through all this trouble to wake you up and you say
"purple?!"

John: You were trying to wake me up?

Jared: (dramatic wounded collapse to floor) My genius is wasted on you!

John: (also dramatic) Your genius is wasted on everybody!

Jared: (more drama) You wound me!

John: (matching drama) I have not yet begun to wound you!

Jared: (normal) So what's up?

John: < ^_^ > Slide.

Jared: Do you have anything to add?

John: Pickle.

Jared: < o_o; > ... Is that your final answer?

John: Hmmm... what is the State of Mississippi?

Jared: Do you know where you are?

John: (with great confidence and enthusiasm) FISH! (then somewhat
confused) La Grange point alpha?

[Jared checks the room, then John's chart, apparently to see if any
amount of a certain drug has been recently administered to the Goon. It
seems that none has, for Jared finally sighs a Great Sigh.]

John: Are we done?

Jared: Do remember what happened before you got knocked out?

John: (thinks hard for a minute) Is this a trick question?

Jared: (out loud) Well, at least no one will ask stupid questions while
I keep him occupied.

[Jared un-straps his friend and they make for the door.]

John: (at the two leave the room) I like your hairdo.

Jared: (shocked, feeling his flaming mop) I HAVE HAIR?!!

----------

[Meanwhile, down the hallway and around a few corners, Misato and
Ritsuko run as if pursued by the devil, only their pursuer is much, much
worse.]

Misato: (outright panic) He still hasn't said boom whee!

Ritsuko: (outright panic) Has the world gone mad?!!

[Andy drops into the hallway from a conveniently placed ventilation
grate.]

Andy: (Dark Helmet style) Fooo~uuund you!

[Andy fires a blast into their midst. Misato, acting on instinct,
returns fire.]

Misato: Hadouken!

[A minor explosion rocks the corridor.]

Andy: (covered in dust, but otherwise unharmed) Most impressive.

[The Major and scientist are beyond freaked out now. Ritsuko draws her
light sabre, casting eerie rays of red light through the dust, while
Misato quickly does a few stretches.]

Andy: I need to talk to you two for a minute.

[The women draw themselves into threatening fighting stances.]

Andy: (evil smirk) But if you want to play...

Ritsuko: (charging) YAAAA!

Misato: (charging) KIYAAA!

Andy: (charging) TACO!!!

[They fight.]

[It's completely a bad-assed fight, both picturesque and artistic in
ways impossible to describe with mere words. So, I won't.]

----------

[Jared and John stand before an imposing door. A door that has all but
earned it's own chapter in the modern mythology that is Eva... the door
to... Gendo's office.]

John: Did the commander want to see us?

Jared: He's not here right now.

John: We're going to wait for him?

Jared: I mean, he's not in the country.

John: (glasses shine brightly) ... How about we prank the place?

Jared: (holds up various implements one would find in a well-stocked
joke store) Good thing I came prepared.

[Jared makes quick work of the locks while John draws a large diagram
detailing how they will make maximum use out of the various devices
Jared... got from wherever.]

Jared: The props department.

[Yes, thank you, I--]

[A ceiling tile smacks into Jared's head. The Goon leaps back, drawing
into a defensive stance.]

Jared: Watch out! The door frame's booby-trapped.

[John plays him no heed and marches inside with his arms loaded down.]

John: Why are you still standing there, get a move on!

Jared: (saluting) Yes sir!

[The two quickly set up a wide variety of pranks, leaving only the chair
and desk un-touched. After a few minutes of work, the two stand on the
highly modified trap-door, looking critically at the desk and
comfortable chair, throwing ideas back and forth.]

Jared: Spring-loaded ejector seat?

John: Rocket-powered ejector seat?

Jared: Venus flytrap on the desktop?

John: Fishing line around the chair's base?

Jared: Tasers in the arm rests?

John: Whoopie cushion?

Jared: Woopie cushion.

[Smiling evilly, John pokes at the cushion of the chair, then sits in it
to get a "feel" for the article of furniture. Jared, not quite a
veritable paragon of patience, perches on the desk and begins inspecting
the mirror-smooth finish.]

John: Hey, this is pretty comfortable. (lays his arms on the arm rests
and sighs) Veeerrryyy comfortable...

Jared: And this desk has one hell of a polish to it.

[While John enjoys the chair WAY too much, Jared gets up on the desk and
performs an elaborate tap-dance number. What happens next, no-one
expects. A tiny line forms down the center of the desk, then splits,
form dozens of tiny pathways that light up. Two portals on the front of
the desk open up and the business end of two massive jet turbine extend
out a few inches. Jared stops to look at the glowing lines just as the
turbines fire, hurling the desk, with Jared still on the top, out of the
window at over a hundred miles per hour.]

[John, too comfortable to actually get up to see what happened to his
friend, raises an arm and cries out.]

John: Chair! Follow him!

[And amazingly, it does. John, not expecting this either, screams in
alarm as he exits the remains of the window.]

[And the office is silent again.]

----------

[Outside, Jared and John scream bloody murder as their hijacked office
equipment flies down the side of the giant pyramid at much better than
highway speeds.]

Jared: (seeing the lake approach at dangerous speeds) Up! UP YOU PIECE
OF SHIT!

[Some fancy footwork causes the desk to actually go airborne, small
wings sprouting from the side as it lifts Jared skyward on a pillar of
flame. The Chair obligingly follows.]

[Jared dances madly, cursing the creators of DDR as he barely avoids
turning the Desk into a pile of flaming wreckage. After a few wrong
turns, he manages to crash through another window in the pyramid, and
surfs it down one obscenely long hallway, the Chair in hot pursuit.]

----------

[Misato, Ritsuko, and Andy enter a convenient briefing room. The three
have a thin layer of dust on their clothes, their hair is disheveled
(well, the women have disheveled hair, Andy's looks the same as usual),
and all three are panting slightly. One has the impression that they
have missed one hell of a fight.]

[Andy grabs a seat in the audience section, right down in front, before
a small prep table that's currently empty. Ritsuko slams her light sabre
down on one end of the same table. Misato duplicates the motion at the
other end, leaving her gun.]

[Misato pauses to unclasp a few buttons and fans her sweat-spotted bosom
with a free hand while Ritsuko stares at the Goon.]

Andy: (ignoring the Major's display) ...

Ritsuko: What do you want, Mucha?

Andy: A strong opponent, a fitting field of battle, and many satisfying
explosions.

[Ritsuko snorts, steps aside, and taps Misato's hand. The Major does a
spin and bounce into Ritsuko's previous position directly before the
table. She clasps her hands together behind her back and leans forward
to get in Andy's face. By now you all know what kind of effect this has.
Andy, being Andy, ignores the display, even when the Major begins
lightly bouncing on the balls of her feet.]

Misato: (whispering seductively) Then isn't there something else you
would rather be doing right now? (prompting) Boom? Whee?

Andy: (coldly) Sorry, no.

Misato: (voice dripping with sex) Are you suuure...?

Andy: Absolutely. I am doing exactly what I need to do right now.

[Misato drops the act, stands up straight, and exchanges suspicious
glances with the doctor before tagging out.]

Ritsuko: Pilot! Why are you stalling?

Andy: Because I need to.

Ritsuko: (gritting her teeth) Your witness.

[Ritsuko tags out.]

Misato: Where are Waddell and Genoni?

Andy: (smiles menacingly) Out of the way.

[Misato glances at her gun.]

Misato: Is that so?

Andy: Yes it is.

Ritsuko: What happened to John?

Andy: That... is a somewhat complicated question, and one that demands
an exchange of information in this instance.

Misato: Fuck that! What happened to John? Tell us the truth!

Andy: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

Misato: (grabs her gun and puts it to Andy's head) God damn it, Mucha!

Ritsuko: Relax, Mis-chan. You walked into that one.

Andy: If you get that gun out of my face, I'll explain.

[Misato puts the gun away and folds her arms over her sizable and
squeezable chest.]

Misato: Humph.

Ritsuko: Tell us what's wrong with John.

Andy: (deadly calm and without any emotion in his voice) His brain
broke.

Ritsuko: Preposterous.

Andy: Is it? John suffered a terrible tragedy many years ago, doctor.
Jared and I found the pieces and decided to pick him, put him back
together. We zapped his brain and over-wrote the missing bits with some
anime we had on hand. He woke up and tried to kill us... (musing) In
retrospect, showing him "X" first was not the best of ideas. (back to
deadly calm) After a few run-throughs, we figured out something that
would work. The John you know is the result of our hard work. He's
restored... but far from perfect. Occasionally something stresses the
imprinted memories. His brain tries to sort things out, to stabilize
itself--

Ritsuko: But because the imprinted memories don't exactly match, he
finds no consistent sense of self and goes into a delusional
dissociative state.

Andy: Exactly. What happened yesterday was a Class 1 failure. Under the
stress of his entire sense of self flying apart, John grasped one
fundamental truth and is hanging onto it with all his might. When the
disassociate state fades, we can re-imprint a handful of patch
memories and all will be well.

Ritsuko: No it won't! You aren't fixing his brain, you're making it...
(eyes widen) What happened?

Andy: I can't tell you.

[Light sabre and gun barrel introduce themselves to Andy's skull.]

Andy: I mean I literally can't tell you!

Ritsuko: WHY NOT?!!

Andy: (panicking) I can't tell you that either. You can kill me now or I
can say a few words and die before you hear the whole thing! Those are
your choices!

[Misato and Ritsuko seriously consider forcing a few words out of him
anyway, but finally relent.]

[Andy rubs his forehead, where there may now be bruises and burns.]

Andy: Quid pro quo, doctor.

Ritsuko: Don't even think about it.

Andy: Quid pro quo.

Ritsuko: ...

Misato: You're spending the night in the brig. I don't care what--

Ritsuko: What do you want to know?

Misato: Doctor!

Andy: (mimics Gendo's pose, lens flash thingy and all, despite the fact
he's not wearing glasses) Tell me about the new Jet Alone test. Just a
good run-down. I find our intel rather... lacking in that area.

Misato: I want to know--

Andy: You want to know anything else, you can go interrogate Jared. I'm
sure your talents can wrest... information from his tongue.

Misato: (furious; starts towards Andy) You son of a bitch.

[Ritsuko holds out an arm to stop her companion.]

Ritsuko: Calm down, Major.

[Misato turns away and tries to reign in her temper.]

Ritsuko: (to Andy) There's really nothing to tell about the Jet-Alone
MkII test. Unlike the last test, we have virtually no information about
the MkII. All we know is the government is willing to give Mishima Heavy
Industries a second go after the disaster you and your friends have made
out of the city.

Andy: Nothing else?

Ritsuko: (spits the word out) Nothing. Happy?

Andy: (gets up, heads for the door) Estatic. Now, I have to go be
Responsible and stuff.

Misato: (still not looking at Andy) Mucha, how come you're doing this
and not Jared?

Andy: Whenever John's brain breaks, the next time we encounter one
another, we count to three, and the first one to say "not it" doesn't
have to be the Responsible One. Didn't you have a normal chil--oh, never
mind.

Misato: < 0_0; > ...

Ritsuko: < 0_0 > ...

Andy: (at the door) Look, there's nothing wrong with John--I mean,
there's nothing to worry about. Jared will keep him from crossing paths
with anyone dangerous, and John will drag Jared down enough that nothing
important will get blown up. By this time tomorrow he'll be right as
rain. Nothing to worry about, no sir. Not one little--

[As Andy opens the door, something chrome and flame colored streaks
past, sounding like nothing so much as a jet fighter. Before anyone
spits out so much as a single word, a mostly brown blur follows the
first.]

Ritsuko: ...

Misato: (blinks) That was John! And Jared! What the--who--they--the
Desk! The CHAIR! ANDY!!!

Andy: Uh... Ninja Vanish!

[Click.]

[This is followed by the sound of the door closing, then a string of
curses as the women struggle to follow him. After cutting the door
apart, the step into the smoke-filled hallway and take careful note of
the absence of one Andy Mucha. Screams of joy or fear belonging to Jared
and John echo around a corner and down the hallway to them.]

Ritsuko: (into her mini-MAGI) Security! They have the Desk!

[Without waiting for a response, Ritsuko dashes down the hallway at a
speed no human should be able to manage. Misato opts to take the nearest
elevator, screaming orders at the bridge crew through her own
mini-MAGI.]

----------

[Several levels deeper into the complex, Andy appears, holding two
fingers to his forehead. At the far end of a disturbingly long hallway,
the light of a rapidly-approaching rocket-powered desk can be seen.]

Andy: RED LIGHT!!!

[A few seconds later, the desk obediently comes to a smooth halt... one
inch from Andy. Jared stands on the desk top, still posed like a surfer
catching the big one.]

Jared: (smiling weakly) Heh. Fancy meeting you here.

John: (pulling up in the Chair) Dude! ... Who are you?

Andy: Look. Guys. I... I... What the hell did you do?! Where has NERV
been hiding these things?!

Jared: We, uh, found them in Gendo's office.

Andy: < -_- > You were booby-trapping Gendo's office?

Jared: (mock indignation) I said nothing of the sort!

Andy: But you were, weren't you?

Jared: (proudly) Of course!

Andy: (looks speculatively at the Desk) Well... I think you'd better
return those. The female-things seems pretty upset that you guys had
them.

John: (smiling in a perfectly "Gendo" fashion) But this chair is very...
comfortable.

[Andy and Jared shiver.]

Andy: Get him out of that Chair.

Jared: No problem.

[Jared turns around, still standing on the Desk, and tries not to look
menacing. The massive nagita he suddenly holds in one hand does not help
to convey the feelings of peace and safety he's attempting to project
with a smile that a man in a coma could identify as fake.]

Jared: ("smiling") John? Could you come here for a moment?

John: ...

[The Chair backs away an inch. Jared crouches slightly, as if to jump.
After a lengthy stare-down, the Chair rolls back another inch as John
starts looking rather scared. His eyes shift to look over his shoulder
for a split-second. Jared tenses. The Chair bolts. Jared gives a yell
and the Desk is suddenly belching flame in hot pursuit.]

[Andy coughs out a tiny cloud of smoke, his face and most of his body
covered in soot.]

Andy: Morons.

[He IT's to the far end of the hallway and waits as the Chair comes a
stop in front of them. Jared halts the Desk a few dozen feet back, still
poised to attack.]

Andy: John?

John: (non-chalant) Hm?

Andy: Could you get out of the Chair, please?

John: No.

Andy: Get out of the Chair, PLEASE.

John: No.

Andy: John, get out of the Chair, now.

John: No.

Andy: John, get out of the Chair, now. Please.

John: No.

Andy: John, get out of that Chair!

John: No.

Andy: God DAMN IT! (leans to the side to look around John and glare at
Jared) QUIT LAUGHING OR HELP ME! (glares at John) OUT! NOW!

John: Never!

Andy: YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF!

[Andy rears back and throws a punch capable of shattering concrete.
John's face would never have a chance, except the Chair leans back at
the last second, causing Andy to overextend. The foot-rest, an odd
accessory for an office Chair, swings up with enough force to knock
Andy's legs out from under him. With a grunt, Andy draws on his ki to
float rather than fall, and throws another punch. The Chair spins three
hundred and sixty degrees, the reclined back catching Andy full in the
side and slamming him into the wall. It then zooms down the hallway,
turning the distant corner with incredible speed.]

[Jared stops next to Andy.]

Jared: Dude, you just got your ass handed to by a guy sitting in a
chair.

Andy: That wasn't any chair! That was THE Chair! Chair Prime, God of all
chairs, their Lord and Master. The Template from which all other chairs
are wrought! Now after him, you idiot!

----------

[Several minutes later, on the surface, Jared and John rocket out of an
access hatch and into the geofront proper. A small contingent of NERV
Security follows with a few Stinger missile launchers. Now out of the
confines of the base, they set up and begin shooting at the Desk and
Chair dog-fighting in the air. The first missile misses Jared only
narrowly, and both of the Goons cease fighting one another and charge
the soldiers. Once on the ground and too close for the Stinger to be
effective, the Goons make quick work of the security forces. Jared has
ditched his sword, and swings the Desk around him like the biggest pair
of nunchuku ever. John uses his own bizarre Chair-Fu to lay the soldiers
flat, avoiding bullets, stun batons, Tasers, as well as more mundane
fists and feet.]

[The battle is quickly over, and Jared leans against his Desk, looking
as cocky as ever. John sits next to him, cracking his neck as if
anticipating another round.]

Jared: Well played?

John: Well played.

Jared: (looks forlornly at the Desk) Think we should keep 'em?

John: Hey, (pats the arm rest like a beloved pet) I'm not letting this
thing go waste on that withered old coot.

Jared: Agreed. Plus, we already pranked his office. Man, I would NOT
want to go in there. I almost feel sorry for the janitorial staff.

John: Did you see the dust in there? I don't think the janitorial staff
even knows where that office is.

[Jared shrugs in agreement. The two share a moment of silence.]

Jared: Well, you hungry?

John: I'm famished.

Jared: (reaches for an arm rest) Well, you'll have to get out of that--

[John hisses like a xenomorph. Jared jerks his hand back.]

Jared: O-or not.

----------

[The Command Center.]

Misato: (screaming directly into Makoto's ear) What do you mean, "it
vanished?"

Matoko: It's gone, ma'am! No trace! None of the tracking devices are on
my scope!

Andy: I keep telling you, Jared knows his way around electronics. By now
they're long gone and the Chair and Desk are hidden where even they
won't find them.

Ritsuko: (threatening tone) You'd better hope so.

Andy: What the hell is so important about Gendo's furniture?! Have you
people all gone mad?! (quickly) Don't answer that!

[Andy puts two fingers to his forehead, and vanishes.]

Misato: Doctor. Your office.

[Without a word, Ritsuko turns on her heel and stalks out of the Command
Center, Misato in tow.]

----------

[Ritsuko's office. Doctor and Major burst through the door, the traps
disarmed mere seconds ago. Misato screams a few choice obscenities while
Ritsuko takes a few extra seconds reacquainting herself with her new
desk.]

Ritsuko: (musing over the desk) The craftsmanship has improved.

Misato: Why can't they just tell us the truth for once?

Ritsuko: (finally makes eye contact with the Major) I believe... some of
what Mucha said.

Misato: But he's crazy. And the rest of that... speech? It's like he's
implying that he and Jared have also had their brains overwritten with
anime, and I should be asking why or by whom, but that's just going to
lead us down a slippery slope into a burrito of an enigma, or something!

Ritsuko: Mis-chan, you've been hanging around Andy too much.

Misato: (dramatically) Ergo, he has to be lying!

Ritsuko: In the short term, nothing he has to say changes anything. You
know that I'll let you know if it does.

Misato: ... (sighs) All right. I'm going to go do some very boring
paperwork for a while. Don't let Mucha come near me, okay?

Ritsuko: (sympathetic chuckle) Deal.

[Misato leaves with a wave.]

----------

[Some time later, in the Goons' apartment. John and Jared enter, dressed
in their usual duds. Jared spies several cardboard boxes while John
produces a cardboard sword and begins going through what appear to be
light sabre kata. Jared rips the boxes open and pulls out a very nice
leather jacket with a large yellow smiley face on the back. the words
"BOOM." and Whee!" are set above and below the face, respectively.]

Jared: Sweet! Our bomber jackets have arrived!

John: (bounding over) Yay! What are these?

Jared: They came with our contract.

John: Contract?

Jared: Yeah.

[He grabs the other jackets. For him there's a pinup girl clad in
lingerie that's almost illegal and striking a pose that most certainly
is. John's features an excellent rendition of a house of cards. Not very
exciting perhaps, but laden with deep meaning. The Goons look at the
coats for a minute, then Jared goes down the hall for a moment and comes
back with a small lamp. Putting the lamp in the box, he plugs it in and
a golden light shines on his and John's faces. They revel in the coats
for several more minutes while singing--well, "maiming" is more
accurate--an angelic chorus. Then a knock sounds at the door.]

Jared: (opening the door) It's for you, dude.

John: Not that octopus again.

Jared: < o_0 > ...

[Jared steps aside to reveal Rei. John looks at her blankly.]

John: Why, hello there.

Rei: genoni-oniisan, can we talk?

[The two make their way into John's room. Jared shrugs and leaves for
the roof. After scaring a few commercial airline pilots half to death,
he goes back to the apartment, opening the door just in time to see
Ayanami putting her shoes on.]

Jared: S'up, babe?

Rei: ...

Jared: Oh, the big Ayanami Silent Treatment, huh? (tries a different
track) What'd you guys talk about?

Rei: ...

[The albino rises, fixes Jared with a look, then leaves without a word.]

Jared: What the... on anyone else, that's nothing. (looks at the closed
door) But was she... sad? (normal) Oh well, on to ice cream!

John: (suddenly appearing) Ice cream? Where? I want it! I want it!

----------

[Andy comes into the Goons' apartment, looking haggard. Leaving the
front door wide open, he stops in the middle of the living room and
checks his mini-MAGI. Fifty-eight messages. He shrugs and sets the
computer on the coffee table. Jared, sitting on the couch, watching TV,
doesn't so much as look up.]

Jared: Hey.

Andy: Hey.

[John comes out of the hallway leading to the bathroom and (shudder) the
Goons' bedrooms, and hands Andy a sturdy and well-made leather bomber
jacket.]

Andy: Hell yeah! When'd these come?

Jared: Today.

Andy: What'd they do, raise the calves by hand?

Jared: They better have, I put very specific calf-rearing instructions
into that contract! If somebody deviated from it without a good reason,
they'll be picking out their tombstone by nightfall!

Andy: < o_0 > Why?

Jared: Well, I thought that by raising the cows a certain way, the coats
would be more or less bullet-proof.

Andy: < o_0 > Wouldn't that make them hard to kill?

Jared: You don't know the half of it. There was this fish my dad and I
caught in Texas that was all but bullet-proof, gave me a few ideas...
and that chain saw I had to build... anyway, I left detailed calf-
killing instructions in our contracts too.

[Andy wisely decides it's best not to think about this any longer.]

Andy: I'll... take your word for it. (takes in the smiley-face and his
tag-line on the back) They're really nice.

Jared: Too damn hot to wear 'em, though.

Andy: Yes, sadly. So, ask me about my day.

Jared: How was your day?

Andy: Oh, pretty uneventful. Just some complete MORONS stole a fucking
flying chair and desk with rockets on it... which are apparently some
huge state secret in an organization with a graveyard of bio-mechanical
war machines a thousand meters under the surface and _I_ get bitched out
for--WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PLANET?!!

[The phone rings at that moment. That moment specifically being the
"wrong moment," considering Andy's mood. He snatches the cordless off of
the coffee table and scream incoherently at it when he spies the caller
ID. It takes seven rings for his breathing to sound remotely normal.
Steadying himself, Andy answers.]

Andy: Hello? Yes, of course they're here. We're all wearing our
mini-MAGI... No, I have no idea where those--those, _things_ are. Why
the hell do you care?! ... They're not here! ... It's [FURNITURE]!!!
Hello? Hello?!

[Screaming in rage, Andy hurls the phone at the apartment's door, which
is wide open. And standing in the doorway is Shinji.]

[THWAK!]

[The phone makes a nice dent in Shinji's head, also conveniently robbing
the Eva pilot of consciousness. As the limp form of Shinji Ikari falls
to the floor, Andy stops in surprise and stares at the results of his
handiwork.]

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

Andy: < 0_0 >  ...

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

Andy: < 0_0 >  ...

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

Andy: < 0_0 >  ...

Jared: < 0_0 > You should stop that before you kill somebody important.

Andy: < 0_0 > Why... didn't he... knock?

Jared: < -_- > Because the door is wide open!

Andy: ... Oh. Well. I... guess someone should get him to the hospital.

[Jared starts jumping around like a puppy, his hand raised like an
obedient school boy.]

Jared: Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Me!

Andy: You're going to grope the nurses there, aren't you?

Jared: (gasps, pulls back in shock) How--how did you know?!

Andy: (sighs) Don't make me answer that. Yes, you can take him to the
hospital. You deal with NERV. I just want to kick back and play video
games. John, you'll be staying here with me.

John: (already loading up a fighting game) Sure. Prepared for your
crushing defeat.

[Andy sighs again as he takes up his controller.]

----------

[The next day, in a random corridor of NERV. Jared and John are having a
heated discussion, with a vast audience hanging on their every word.]

John: Mido-clan Sexcraft is a joke. Miko has absolutely no fighting
ability what-so-ever.

Jared: Take that back!

John: Not a chance! She's so weak, she could be defeated and then
molested by a wet paper sack.

Jared: That was just in that one episode! Besides, you're missing the
point of Sexcraft. It's primary focus is to lull the enemy into a false
sense of confidence and defeat him from the inside by the very act,
namely sex, which they want! Demons lose their consistency and humans...

John: Get tired banging the slut.

Jared: Don't call her that!

John: Why not?! Her job description is to get fucked by tentacle demons
and "evil" ninja multiple times every damn episode. And I say "fucked"
instead of "raped" because the little whore wants it as much as the
demons do.

Jared: She's half-demon, it's in her nature to be a little frisky.

Misato: (through door and barking questions) What's going on here? Why
aren't you all working?

Asuka: (answering for the silent, awestruck crowd) John and Jared have
become partial to tests of intellect--debates if you will--over
completely pointless topics. The goal is to see how long they can argue
without resorting to violence.

Misato: (suspicious) Oh really? What's the topic this time?

Asuka: I'm pointedly ignoring them, but I think they were discussing
whether La Blue Girl is merely tentacle porn or if it also counts as
ninja anime. Jared's arguing for, John's against.

Misato: (thinking) Ignoring them. Right. (out loud) Couldn't it just be
Ninja Tentacle anime?

Asuka: I'm sure most would accept that, but, as I said, they pick
pointless topics.

Misato: So where are they now?

Asuka: (Explanation Mode) Something about while there are ninja in the
anime, the main character must be one to fully count. John's attacking
Miko by denying she's a real ninja. Jared said she is a kunnoichi
because she has the clothes, the moves, and the Cool Factor. John
negated the clothes saying she hardly wears them and when she does they
don't stay on her for more than a minute. So now John's attacking Miko's
skills as a ninja.

Misato: (musing) Ritsuko took the same track when I had to master that
Sexcraft style to save... (realizes she's been heard by her charge)

Asuka: < 0_0;;; > ...

Misato: Never mind! (cough) I thought you were ignoring them.

[Asuka turns and leaves without giving an answer, looking dazed.]

Misato: (walks towards the goons) Guys--

Jared: (roaring) DIE!

John: (roaring) NEVER!

[The two clash like fighting bulls. Chests are butted. Punches are
exchanged. Misato watches in confusion. This fight, though appearing
violent to the un-trained eye, is nothing like the vicious winner-
take-all brawls the Goons have been breaking into at a moment's notice
since their arrival. Absent the usual homicidal intent, the two calm
down after about ten seconds of spirited chest-butting, chuckle, and
walk down the hall with arms thrown over each other's shoulders.]

Misato: Well, that was...weird.

[Well, she _does_ have a way with words.]

----------

[A few minutes later, in the cafeteria, Jared and John find their way to
the food line.]

Jared: Hey, they have Italian for lunch!

John: WHAT? Where? (girlish squeal of fear) Get it away from me!

Jared: (casually, to the Goon hiding behind him) You love Italian. You
_are_ Italian. What's wrong with you?

John: (not listening, eyes zooming around like rabbits on crystal meth)
Spaghetti... spaghetti everywhere... coming to get me... (frightened
yelp; points randomly) Noodles! Noodles!

Jared: < 0_0;;; > Oookaaay...

[Jared steers his friend to a table only occupied by Rei. She's eating
some lasagna, but not having a very easy time of it. Ever try to eat
lasagna with chopsticks? Well, give it a try sometime and you'll know
what I mean.]

Jared: Rei. S'up.

Rei: word. what up, dog?

[At hearing Rei, John seems to snap out of his funk and looks around,
confused.]

Jared: Not much, girl. (to John) Wha'sup, homie?

John: (to Jared) S'up, ese. (to Rei) Hey girl.

[Rei blinks and looks at John. John blinks and looks at Rei. Rei blinks
again and looks at Jared. John does the same. Jared blinks slowly and
looks at John and Rei. John and Jared sit down.]

John: (at a loss for words) What...

Jared: I've been teaching Rei ebonics.

John: < o_0 > Why?

Jared: (shrugs) Well, I keep talking to her, and that flat monotone is
getting kind of annoying...and hell, there's no black people around here
to get offended.

John: (pats Jared on the shoulder consolingly) That's okay. I'll be
offended for you.

Jared: (tears in his eyes) Really?

John: Yeah man, I will.

Jared: (hugging John and sobbing) I... I love you man!

John: (pushing away Jared) Okay, but you're not getting my rolls.

[John nabs two small rolls from the basket on the table, Forces a pair
of forks from the lunch line, stabs them into the rolls, and does that
dancing boots scene that Charlie Chaplin made famous. Jared watches part
of it, then turns his attention to Rei.]

Jared: Hey Rei, there's some important things I've been meaning to tell
you.

[Rei might be paying attention. She might have waved him to go ahead, or
maybe she was just wiping her mouth with extra flourish. Her eyes may
have flickered to John for a second, but with someone so subtle, it's
hard to tell, all right! Now quit badgering me!]

Jared: The Truth, you understand.

John: What?! What is this Truth you speak of Waddell?!

Jared: You were born in a tank several hundred floors below us. You're a
clone of Shinji's mom.

John: (despite the fact he explained this to her two episodes ago) Don't
tell her that!

Jared: And the world is made of cheese.

John: Be quiet, you!

Jared: (grinning manically) It's not round, either! It's shaped like a
burrito!

[No one is ever going to get that reference.]

[John tosses away the bread roll shoes, grabs a nearby baguette, and
attacks Jared with it. The goons crash to the floor. For a moment, Rei
can't see anything, then John's head and shoulders come into view. Fury
is written on his face. He raises the bread like a knife and stabs down
(presumably) at Jared.]

[Hello? "Perfect Blue?" Anyone?]

[A spurt of red liquid flies into the air. A twisted grin spreading
across his face, John repeats the violent, two-handed stabbing motion
several more times, a geyser of red spraying into the air with every
stab.]

[Ignoring the stares of the other employees (most of whom now try to
ignore what the Goons are doing all of the time), Rei dips a finger into
a puddle of this crimson liquid where it landed on the table, and tastes
it.]

Rei: not bad.

[Panning over the table, we see Jared on the floor holding a bowl of
marinara sauce over his chest, though most of the sauce is on his
clothes, the floor, and the bread that John is still holding.]

Jared: < 0_0 > Are you done?

John: (slightly dazed) I, uh...do it.

Jared: Or something. You want a ride?

[John jumps off the other Goon as if he were just sitting on a frying
pan, but helps Jared to his feet. The bread and bowl of marinara sauce
are set aside, and the Goons re-seat themselves at Rei's table.]

Jared: So, Rei, how's life?

Rei: it is all right.

Jared: Now that I've guided you into a more casual subject with Ninja
conversation skills, how far have you gone?

[No one is going to get that reference either.]

Rei: gone where?

Jared: You know, first base... second base? How far have you gone?

Rei: (thinks for a second before answering) i do not play baseball.

Jared: Really? What about our day of fun?

[A moment passes.]

Rei: who are you?

[Jared sighs. John looks to him, then to Rei when she speaks.]

Jared: I'm a Goon. What else is there to know?

Rei: i want to know.

Jared: Er...stuff. Look, I'm just not all that great at putting this
into a story or something.

[Several people cough into their hands, sounding suspicious like a
certain word...]

Rei: tell me what you know.

[John is now following the conversation as one would a tennis ball at
Wimbledon.]

Jared: I don't want to. There's nothing about me you could possibly want
to know.

Rei: can i not be the judge of that?

Jared: ... Look, you're fourteen--er, eight... seven? Zero? Heck, you're
a clone, why do you care?

Rei: i just want to know who you are.

Jared: AAAAAARRRRGGGG!

[John gets up and leaves.]

Jared: _Why_ do you care? What are you _getting_ at?!

Rei: you are perverted and violent. your character will explain why.

Jared: This is crazy. You've been hanging around John too much.

Rei: and you are avoiding my question.

Jared: You don't even have the literary capacity to understand that
question! (starts looking for John and misses the tiniest frown directed
at him) Where'd he go?

----------

[Apartment... well, you know the place. Seventh floor, right past the
wards and straight on until your mind crawls out of your skull and runs
away screaming.]

[Inside, we see that Jared and Andy have appropriated a Laz-E-Boy chair,
some rope, and made excellent use of both on John. Beethoven's 9th plays
softly through the Stereo System From HELL.]

[If you don't know what we're spoofing, STOP NOW and go watch "A
Clockwork Orange." There will be a test.]

Jared: Okay, I've got him strapped into the chair. You got the anime?

Andy: (reading off the video cases stacked in one arm) Ruroni Kenshin
OAV, Technolyze, Getter Robo: Armageddon, I Wish You Were Here, Fist of
the North Star, Spriggan...what?

Jared: No, no, maybe, nope, over my dead body, and no.

Andy: (looks at the last video) Love Hina?

Jared: (thinking look; shrugs) Should work out okay. Gimmie a few
episodes of Getter Robo and hand me that A-ko tape.

Andy: Here's some Goldenboy we have left over from last time.

Jared: Excellent. Let's get started.

----------

[Cut to later. We see a close-up of John's face, twisted by a savage
grin, his eyes still completely obscured by the glare off of his
glasses. He slowly sips a tall glass of milk while the camera pulls back
very slowly.]

[See?!]

John: (vaguely British accent) Well, after we took out the bank robbers
and crazy-girl was locked up, we used their mecha to defend the earth
against alien invaders. Everything got blown up anyway. Then I had to
take my college entrance exams. Surprisingly, I failed them, but I had a
giant mecha, so I couldn't complain. And after that I went on the road
in search of knowledge!

[By now the view shows that we're still in the apartment and Andy and
Jared have been listening raptly to John recant his "life story."]

["Story" indeed.]

Jared: (claps hands together happily) That was great! We should write
that combination down...

Andy: (grumpy) I still say we should have added some Fist of the North
Star.

Jared: Well, (pulls out a crowbar) time to make this sound plausible!

----------

[Later that evening. John is coming to, rubbing an annoying bump on his
head. Before he forms coherent words, Andy offers him a light sabre and
a neurolizer. Jared hands him his glasses and Mini-MAGI.]

Jared: Welcome back, dude.

[John takes a moment to look around the apartment and note he's lying on
a new couch. To his right is the 110" television, the 25,000-watt
military-grade stereo system wrapped in British-made Cobham C-6 armor,
and the floor-to-ceiling THX certified speakers that have already moved
tectonic plates. A modest coffee table filled with video gaming
equipment is dwarfed by the massive TV. Down the wall from the TV
towards the balcony door is a reproduction "Alien" skull mounted on the
wall, then framed pictures of a wrecked train, several smoldering
craters, and Asuka in a revealing two-piece. In the corner stands a
tasteful floor lamp. Then there's the new sliding glass doors to the
repaired balcony, framed by armored metal shutters. Next comes another
tasteful floor lamp, the man-eating plant (in cage), and a Bruce Lee
mosaic portrait poster made of combat photos showing Evas battling
Angels. The next corner holds another tasteful floor lamp. The back wall
is a built-in bookshelf featuring several generic university decorations
(probably stolen), including a globe, several diplomas, and three oddly
familiar bronze busts. We can only just make out one of them as being
the legendary Shiegeru Miyamoto. The other two slip by too fast to
recognize, though one is surely the John Woo bust from the intro
sequence.]

[Then John looks at the ceiling, which is a living plaster portrait of
writhing bodies, some alien, some human, that actually move, warring and
loving one another, claw and teeth on skin, faces playing out a farce of
a grimace and wild, painful contortions, outstretched hands reaching for
your soul and threatening to drown your mind in madness. In other words,
perfectly at home in Eva.]

John: (calm) What happened?

Andy: (clearly rehearsed) The... Twelfth Angel's shadow bumped you on
the head real good.

Jared: (holding a script in his hands and hesitantly reading from it)
You were out of it for a few days, mumbling this and that. The bump is
still there but fading slowly.

John: (fully coming to) The Twelfth!

Andy: Relax dude, we defeated it.

John: How?

[Andy looks at Jared.]

----------

[Flashback Mode.]

Jared: (silly pose, pointing at his double) No, you da man!

Jared: (likewise) No, _you_ da man!

[End Flashback Mode. Take several dozen cold showers and a fifth of
Tequilla. Call a psychiatrist.]

----------

John: (scared sane) STOP! STOOOP!

Andy: (glaring suspiciously at The Jared) You'll be happy to learn that
the world is still intact.

John: (flippantly) For the moment.

Jared: (dramatic swoon) You wound me!

John: (smiling) Good.

Andy: Before I continue my quest to crush this insect (points at Jared)
like... like a... insect--

Jared: Bug.

Andy: Shut up. I must inform you that the Jet Alone 2 activation trials
are due to start in two days.

John: That means I'll need to plan something, naturally... (assumes
Thinker pose) I wonder if I can "borrow" an N2 device...

Jared: (he's done this a million times before) I'll put on the A-Team
theme song.

Andy: (more of the usual) I'll get the Dew.

[And lo, do the Three Goons burn the midnight oil.]

----------

[The next day, Thursday, is a workday, and the Goons are in their
office, hardly working. John is slowly working his way through the usual
mountain of paperwork, mumbling things like "_how_ much money did we
spend on..." and "_what_ did we use this for? Oh yeah, that." quite a
bit. Jared's been on the phone all day, and from the look on his face,
99% of that time has been spent on hold. Andy is comparing schematics of
Gatling guns and calling engineers every five minutes to scream at them
in Spanish.]

Jared: Hello? Hello? Yes, this is Jared--what? Yes I did...Yes I did...
Yes I _did_. And? ... And? ... Yes? ... When? (face falls) Damn it! ...
Okay, bye.

John: (looking up) What's that about?

Jared: (shrugs) Who knows?

John: ... Right.

Andy: (hangs up from another successful bout of screaming insults in
Spanish and looks at his Mini-MAGI) Shit! I'm going to be late!

Jared: Late for what?

Andy: (leaving) Feh! You should be preparing for your doom, Waddell, not
questioning me!

[Jared shrugs.]

John: What _is_ he late for?

[Jared shrugs again with emphasis, then makes for the door as well.]

Jared: I'd better get going to. Promised I'd hang out with Rei for a
bit.

John: (smirking) Yeah, you do that.

----------

[As Andy leaves NERV, it begins to rain. Walking almost aimlessly down
street after street, he ignores the increasingly severe downpour. After
a while, the sane inhabitants of Tokyo-3 take refuge inside as the sky
draws closed with dark clouds. After a few dozen blocks of wandering,
one can hear a faint "waaark..." calling to Andy. Following the siren
song, he comes to a wide (and now partially flooded) street that is home
to a most unusual sight. Hundreds upon hundreds of small penguins line
the sidewalk, silently watching Andy walk down the middle of the street.
A lone penguin stands in the middle of the road facing the approaching
Goon.]

Pen Pen: Waaark.

Andy: (in greeting) Pen-Pen.

[Lightning flashes across the sky.]

Pen Pen: (fatalistic) Wark.

Andy: (takes up stance) It ends tonight.

[Goon and sea bird charge at one another through the driving rain, fists
raised. As they cross, Pen Pen darts under Andy and flips him ass over
teakettle. Mid-air, Andy spins 180 degrees and lands a kick on Pen Pen
that sends the bird slamming into his compatriots at highway speeds.
Andy, meanwhile, lands upright on his feet with a full Saiyajin smirk.]

Andy: What's the matter?

[Pen Pen stumbles away from his friends, rain-slick feathers ruffled,
looking like knifes sticking out of a pool of tar.]

Pen Pen: Waa--

Andy: Gettin' old?

[Pen Pen's eyes flash. Andy meets the inevitable charge by blocking,
then a red aura flares around him and he counters, cutting through Pen
Pen's barrage with a blindingly fast double-punch that sends the penguin
reeling. While Andy gloats, Pen Pen leans forward and socks him in the
stomach.]

Andy: Gurk!

Pen Pen: WARK!

[Andy snap-kicks the sea bird in the family jewels. For a moment, both
are frozen in their bizarre poses of agony, glaring at one another.
Then, as if by unspoken agreement, the mutual beating resumes. Unblocked
punch after unblocked punch, the two slowly render each other into piles
of bruises. Finally, when even most of Pen Pen's cohorts have left, the
penguin falls unconscious. Andy, still standing, sways in place for a
moment, watching the diminutive body splash down in an inch of standing
water.]

Andy: (exhausted) Boom... whee...

[Andy bows to the bird, then throws it a fish. Pen Pen nabs the fish
with its beak, and stares at the strange human. Andy turns and calmly
walks away. Pen Pen's army breaks up, waddling back to where they came
from.]

----------

[Quite a distance away from Andy's Big Move Spoof of the Day, Jared is
walking next to Rei.]

Jared: So, how are things going?

Rei: fine.

Jared: ...

Rei: ...

Jared: ...

Rei: i still do not know you.

[Jared looks very melancholy.]

Jared: I... don't think I can help you.

Rei: ...

Jared: < ^_^ > I'm bored.

Rei: ...

Jared: < ^_^ > ...

Rei: ...

Jared: (fitting action to words) Poke...poke...

Rei: ...

Jared: Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.

Rei: ...

Jared: Poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke!

Rei: ...

Jared: (power pose) WADDELL SCHOOL ULTIMATE ANNOYANCE ATTACK! (begins
the Poke of Doom) POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPO--

[Ayanami's eyebrow twitches. Once.]

[Her hand comes towards Jared's face, open and with the fingers held
straight as fence boards. The mach cone formed around it creates a small
sonic boom on the ground before it slams into Jared's cheek hard enough
to crack a tectonic plate. The Goon bounces down the road, ricocheting
off of building after building like a super-ball, until he crashes into
a garbage truck about three hundred or so yards down the street.]

[The creators of "Love Hina" spin in their graves.]

[A white number floats into the air above Jared's head, reading "9999."]

[The corners of Rei's mouth just barely twitch upwards.]

Rei: goooooooooaaaaaaaaal.

----------

          [Public Service Announcement 4: Ceremonial Duties.]

[Author-Andy is hogging the camera, his face covering the entire
screen. His skin is rent with worry lines and sweat drips from his
brow profusely.]

Author-Andy: I'll make this short and sweet. There are some ways that
old story ideas should NOT be resurrected.

[We pull back to see Author-Andy dressed in something like a hardsuit
from Bubblegum Crisis, only much more macho. He runs towards a large
Aztec pyramid, atop which Author-Jared stands, wearing white robes and
chanting to the heavens in an unnatural voice. Dark clouds bloom
overhead and a sacrifice is laid out before him. Lightning flashes
across the sky.]

----------

[Back at the range, some hours later. Jared walks through the door, his
clothing torn, his face a map of cuts and bruises.]

John: (looking up from the notes spread all over the kitchen table)
There you are! I haven't ta--

Jared: (clawing at the heavens) NOOOOOOOOO!!!

[Andy walks through the door in a similar state as Jared, adjusts an
imaginary tie, and...]

Andy: (panicked tone) WE'RE DOOMED!

Jared: (continuing) OH GOD!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (following right along) NOOOOOOO!

Jared: (overly dramatic) OOOH WHAT A WORLD!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (almost sobbing) YOU BASTARDS! YOU BLEW IT ALL UP!!!

Jared: (more drama) HOW COULD YOU?!!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (peaking) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Jared: (clawing at the sky again) WHY GOD... WHY?!!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (beating on the floor in grief) OH THE HUMANITY!!!

Jared: (tearing at his clothes) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (wounded animal) WHYYYYYYYYY!!!

Jared: (Homeric) ALL IS LOOOOOOOOOST!!!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (winding down) NOOOOOO!

Jared: (winding down) DOOOOOOMED!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (winding down) You foooools!

Jared: (winding down) Doomed I say, doooooomed!

John: < -_- > ...

[Andy and Jared finally come to a stop, adjust and fret over the remains
of their clothes as if they're wearing "Armani" instead of "shop rags."
After a moment of this, they go silent, looking patiently at John. The
silence drags out.]

John: (finally) Are you guys done?

[Andy and Jared quickly face away from John, heads touching in a quick
huddle. Whispers fly back and forth as hands describe complicated
motions in the air. Veins on John's forehead become prominent and throb
mightily. At length, the other two Goons seem to come to a consensus and
face John again. Another long silence follows. When John looks ready to
beat their answer out of them, Jared opens his mouth.]

Jared: (clawing at the heavens) NOOOOOOOOO!!!

John: < o_o > ...

Andy: (panicked tone) WE'RE DOOMED!

Jared: (continuing) OH GOD!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (following right along) NOOOOOOO!

Jared: (overly dramatic) OOOH WHAT A WORLD!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (almost sobbing) YOU BASTARDS! YOU BLEW IT ALL UP!!!

Jared: (more drama) HOW COULD YOU?!!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (peaking) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Jared: (clawing at the sky again) WHY GOD... WHY?!!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (beating on the floor in grief) OH THE HUMANITY!!!

Jared: (tearing at his clothes) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (wounded animal) WHYYYYYYYYY!!!

Jared: (Homeric) ALL IS LOOOOOOOOOST!!!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (winding down) NOOOOOO!

Jared: (winding down) DOOOOOOMED!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: (winding down) You foooools!

Jared: (winding down) Doomed I say, doooooomed!

John: < -_- > ...

Jared: < ^_^ > ...

Andy: < ^_^ > ...

John: < -_- > ...

Jared: < ^_^ > Okay, we're done.

John: Okay. As I was saying, I haven't talked with Ritsuko yet, but
Andy's briefing told me pretty much everything I need to know. The Jet
Alone MkII test is tomorrow. I'm convinced this is our biggest threat.

Jared: Why?

John: Gut feeling.

Jared: Oh.

John: Mostly I'm bothered because NERV's in debt, and something needs to
be done about it or the Japanese government is going to put a freeze on
our operational orders and shut us down.

Jared: So?

John: With another walking nuclear reactor wandering around? I don't
think so.

Andy: No problem! Whip out Unit-06 and turn that pile of scrap metal
into smoldering slag!

John: Unit-06X, once it is repaired, will be placed under lock down.

Andy: But... but I wanna BOOM!

Jared: (scooting away from the salivating Mucha) We could always...
sabotage the Jet Alone test.

John: < o_0 > ...

Jared: I mean... don't they already suspect us of sabotage? What's to
loose?

John: But that--they wouldn't--you... (rubbing his head) Look, this Mark
II mess didn't even happen in the anime, and now we have the 13th Angel
to worry about. We don't even know what form it will take!

Andy: Oh, that's easy. The Eva that's being delivered to NERV will be
infected.

Jared: (proudly) Way ahead of you, dude.

John: Goon Sense... tingling. (eyes narrow) What did you do?

Jared: < -_- > I had James hack into various systems and re-route the
parts for the new Eva. They won't even be able to assemble it for
another six months!

John: ...

Andy: ...

Jared: (arrogantly) Stunned by my brilliance? (regards his extremely
clean fingernails) In awe of this master stroke of planning?

Andy: ...

John: ... You just... _totally_ fucked up the plot of Eva.

Jared: (snidely) Right. And Misato knew kickboxing before we showed up.

Andy: (begins munching on popcorn, watching the argument as one would a
tennis match) ...

John: She must have! The movies, dude!

Jared: What's done is done, dude!

John: (you-reckless-idiot!) But, dude!

Jared: (I'm-only-trying-to-help!) Dude!

John: (but-you-always-screw-up!) Dude!

Jared: (no-one-is-going-to-die!) Dude!

John: (someone-may-already-have-died!) Dude!

Jared: (then-I'll-apologize-and-put-things-right-again!) Dude!

John: ... (shrugs) Well, I supposed what's done is done.

Andy: Quit being right! I hate it when you make talky-talky and I can
understand you!

Jared: Same here, dude.

John: So... we aren't getting the new Eva for at least a couple of months.

Jared: That just leaves fighting a berserk Jet Alone?

John: Well, it's kind of type-cast.

Andy: ... That's it? Why can't we battle something more terrifying?
(power pose) I need a challenge!

Jared: (raised eyebrow) Is that a challenge?

Andy: ... I may have mentioned a challenge.

Jared: A challenge, eh?

Andy: A challenge could be involved.

Jared: A challenge would be... excellent.

Andy: Yes... excellent...

[Andy grins like a toddler in a room full of red buttons. Jared grins
like Happosai in the Playboy mansion. John's face is more that of a
scientist who just realized the entire human race is doomed to imminent
extinction without even the slimmest possibility of survival.]

John: (partially in shock) No... (stronger) NO! You... you two walking
disaster areas are going to be _ready_ to take down the Jet Alone! You
are _NOT_ to get yourselves into an unauthorized grudge match while I'm
out of town! DO YOU HEAR ME?!!

[Andy and Jared continue to grin until John whips out a pistol and fires
it into the air. Dust settles on the table.]

Andy & Jared: We'll behave!

John: Promise?

Andy: Of course, we'll never listen to a word you say again, Amen.

Jared: Amen. (beat) Wait a minute!

John: RRRRRrrrrrRRRRRrrrr...

Jared: I'm... uh, going to Kensuke's house.

[He zooms through the front door.]

Andy: I'll continue training, I must be ready to defeat Ja--the Jet
Alone.

John: (Forces the cordless into his hand) I need to prepare NERV.

[While Andy does a few mid-air kata in the living room, John tries his
hand at this "dialing" thing.]

John: Hello? Hello?! ... No, I am not looking for Cutts the Butcher! I'm
trying to reach NERV! ... NERV! ... N-E-R-... What? ... No, I did not
dial 555--oh screw it. (hangs up; dials again) Hello? What? ... What?
... No, "Lum" isn't here. Who is this? ... Hello? Hello? (looks at the
receiver) Oh well, third time's a charm. (dials; taps his fingers on the
table waiting for the doctor to pick up) Hello, Ritsuko? Hey, I...what?
... Stop that! Quit speaking Chinese damn it, this is serious! ... Ew!
That's gross! ... No, don't--hang...up...

[John glares at the phone.]

John: Bastards! We! Are! Doomed!

[In a huff, he hurls the phone out of the nearest window. From below one
hears a phone shattering, followed immediately by a female shriek.]

Asuka: (from far below) SHINJI!

Andy: (hovering in the air, paused mid-strike) < 0_0 > ...

John: < 0_0; > Not a _word_.

----------

[Friday comes. We see John sitting at his desk in NERV, wearing a look
that says he'd rather be sitting anywhere else right now.]

Ritsuko: (over phone, apparently finishing a long tirade) ... so that's
the final schedule.

John: That's great Rit-chan, but I have one request.

Ritsuko: Not that I'm listening, but what is it?

John: Swap Rei for Asuka. She'll keep quiet and prove less of a
distraction for Shinji.

Ritsuko: Look, if something _does_ go wrong, we'll have the other pilots
here ready to scramble anyway.

John: I am _fully_ aware of that, Rit-chan. Just bring Rei with us.

Ritsuko: Fine. I guess there's no point in arguing about it.

John: Right. I'll be there on time, I promise.

Ritsuko: Yeah, right. Bye.

John: Bye.

[John hangs up the phone, then messes with the controls on his
Mini-MAGI.]

James: (over watch communications channel) Vee don't need no steenking
communications protocols!

John: Can it. You need to play ball or we're all going to die.

James: Nice. You use that on your dates too?

John: James! Behave!

James: (deadpan) Yes dad.

John: You're thinking of Jared. This is John.

James: Right. Who can I do for ya?

John: (opens his mouth for a split-second, then closes it) ... < -_- >
... I need you to monitor everything and coordinate communications among
NERV personnel during the Jet Alone MkII test this afternoon.

James: Does this mean you're going to bust me out of purgatory and
vaporize another Angel?

John: Sadly, no. I don't think we can afford another rail gun firing.

James: (almost taunting) "Can't afford" as in money or "can't afford" as
in human lives?

John: (frowning) Just keep your digital ears open. I'll be manning
Unit-05.

James: Wouldn't Rei do better in that? You could take 03.

John: ... Rei actually asked me if she could sit in Jared's Eva.
Normally, I'd say no... but she said please and used Puppy Dog Eyes.

James: Egad! The horror! The horror! 

John: I know.

James: And she wants to sit in that pit of perversion?

John: Yes, in the very heart of Evil's Throne with the dramatic swell of
orchestral music and all that.

James: I'll skip the why.

John: (frowns) That's my line. Oh yeah, you need to find a way to keep
NERV working, financially.

James: Stop blowing up the city.

John: I am coming to loathe the sense of humor Jared gave you.

James: Well, I'm off to learn about government funding. Have fun getting
stepped on by a walking nuclear reactor!

John: < -_- > Gee, thanks.

----------

[It's early afternoon, and we find John, Rei, Shinji, Misato, and
Ritsuko assembled in a parking lot adjacent to the train station out of
the anime. You know, the one that Shinji stands on and lets the train
leave and Misato's waiting there and... well, you've seen the anime,
right? RIGHT?!!]

Misato: Anyway, it will take us (looks at her van) about fifty minutes
to get there. We'll have fifteen minutes to get seated, and there will
be a 45-minute lecture. Assuming the demonstration works, the Japanese
government will be ordering six of these ridiculous contraptions
immediately. We are not here to prevent this from happening.

John: (musing out loud) Yet they won't put additional funding into
NERV...

Misato: Not surprising, considering the amount of collateral damage you
and your two cohorts have managed to inflict on the city in the last few
days. Look, we're not permitted to operate here. We set the Evas at some
nearby elevators anyway, on the far side of a large suburban area, just
in case that stupid robot wants to start something.

John: Then I guess it's time for a... (instantly wearing sunglasses,
Bermuda shorts, Hawaiian shirt) ROAD TRIP!!!

[A tumbleweed rolls by during the ensuing silence.]

John: (getting into Misato's van) Killjoys.


           --------------------------------------------------

                              TITLE FLASH:

                           Three Goons in Eva
                               Episode 9

                           What Plot hole? /
                        It came with the _____

           --------------------------------------------------


[One hour later.]

[We open on a large round table occupied by John (still in vacation
gear), Rei, Shinji, Ritsuko, and Misato. There's no fancy dinner this
time, and the lecture is short and sweet. The new man at the lectern is
short, severe, speaks only in formal Japanese, and wears glasses thick
enough to protect his eyes from an N^2 detonation. Once the formalities
are over, the audience is invited to watch the nearby proceedings on a
(thankfully un-sabotaged) projector screen.]

John: (quietly to the NERV table) I've got that bad feeling again.

Ritsuko: I feel it in the Force. There is something... coming for us.
Coming here.

[For some reason, John starts talking into his watch.]

John: James. Where are Jared and Andy?

----------

[The public transportation system of Tokyo-3 is a modern-day miracle.
Nearly as grand in scope, and working much smoother than NERV HQ, it is
an invisible part of the city's life support system, as essential to
everyday life as water and food. The primary people movers are the large
red monorail cars that run through the city at various levels. Those set
twenty or more feet above the surface are reserved for the high-speed
trains that travel at more than 120 kph as they shuttle people and
products to and fro. Fitted with large windows and sliding doors, the
trains provide an excellent view of the buildings they pass, like a
plane flying between giant columns of stone and steel.]

[What's interesting about one of these high-speed units, at least
interesting to us, is its passengers. Two of them. Not that either of
them wants to be here, mostly because there's things to be blown up,
women to be ogled and ravaged, and...]

Jared: Dude!

Andy: Quiet! Your stupidity could be contagious.

Jared: (apparently oblivious) Thanks! I think it's a great idea. (whips
out a deck of cards) You cut.

Andy: (failing to resist the lure of The Game) But... we'll be at the
exchange for the North Valley Station in a few minutes...

Jared: (waves the deck under Andy's nose with a knowing smirk) Time
enough for _one_ game...

Andy: Nnngh...

Jared: What's the matter? Afraid you'll lose?

Andy: (eyes widen) Jared?

Jared: At your service.

Andy: I challenge you.

Jared: (tips his head to the side) Not an option right now.

Andy: Hunh?

[Instead of answering the Maniac, Jared gets to his feet. Then several
flash grenades fly into the train car via the windows and doors. The
Goons catch the charges and chuck them back through the windows before
they explode.]

Andy: ... Will you take a rain check?

Jared: Naturally.

----------

[In the adjacent car, full of JSSDF ultra-secret special shock troops,
the leader begins to sweat profusely. Silently, he motions to his men to
prepare for the end. Oaths are sworn. Crosses are kissed. Deities are
prayed to. Rubber chickens are sacrificed over rubber cauldrons emitting
CO2.]

[What? Like I can't let the bad guys be low-budget once in a while?]

----------

[Meanwhile, at the Jet Alone conference table.]

James: John, Jared and Andy appear to be surrounded by more than a
hundred JSSDF officers. And a small army is converging on their
location.

John: Got some more bad news to pour on me?

James: Andy just Challenged Jared.

John: (very pale) Talk him out of it.

James: But I'm almost into the Jet Alone's control program. Can't it
wait?

John: Do both. Now.

James: Slave driver...

----------

[Meanwhile, in the train car with "Collateral" and "Damage," a dozen
black-clad soldiers burst into the compartment. They uniformly wear
heavy face masks, black battle dress uniforms, and body armor, and carry
automatic weapons. Techno music starts pumping out from... somewhere.
Jared and Andy yawn and get to their feet while the other passengers try
to become permanently bonded to various parts of the car's ceiling,
railings, seats, etc., all wide eyes and fear-filled stares.]

Jared: (to the soldiers) Couldn't you read the sign? "No soliciting."

Man #1: Hands up!

[The two shuffle to the center of the train car, hands held barely
higher than their shoulders, despite more commands from the men with
guns. The other passengers are quickly evacuated from the car by still
more black-clad soldiers.]

Andy: < ^_^ > I think you should handle this.

Jared: < ^_^ > Oh no, I think you should handle this.

Andy: < ^_^ > No, they're all yours.

Jared: < ^_^ > Please, finish them off.

[The soldiers sweat more.]

Andy: < ^_^ > You said they were pushovers.

Jared: < ^_^ > I said nothing of the sort.

Andy: Bah. Take care of this rubbish, Waddell! NINJA VANISH!!!

[Andy jumps out of the train through one of the large windows, plowing
teeth-first into the side of a building. Jared looks through the broken
window at the receding skyscraper with a cloud of dust and debris
billowing out of its side.]

Jared: ... Okay.

Man #1: Hands up!

[Jared looks at the man like a rattlesnake contemplating its dinner. The
others keep their distance while three soldiers come at Jared from
behind. The sad thing is, they think they have a chance of winning. The
first holds a stun baton that buzzes ominously, the second holds a
Taser, and the third wields a staff.]

[Jared turns around, steps over the bo staff attack, slaps aside the
baton with contemptuous ease, and watches the Taser prongs miss him by
several inches. He punches out Baton Guy, them smoothly jump-kicks Taser
Guy before stopping the bo staff in place with one hand while he uses
the other to throw Taser Guy out of a nearby window.

Jared: Environmental hazard. (evil smirk) Bonus points.

[He ducks inside Staff Guy's guard as the soldier pulls his weapon back,
and charges into him, sending the smaller man flying. Three soldiers
instantly dog-pile on the Goon, who spares none as he screams a Bruce
Lee scream and starts reducing sperm counts with rock-crushing force.]

Jared: (as if this is actually a special move) American Kicks Army
Privates!

[As the soldiers of the dog-pile keel over, the remaining seventeen
JSSDF troops cycle the actions on their weapons simultaneously.]

Jared: < o_o; > Heh.

----------

[Overhead rail, stop 3-Red-7.]

[From within the bullet-riddled, slowly-approaching train comes the
sound of gunfire, desperate screams and shouts, more gunfire, and a
battle cry more at home in a kung fu movie starring Bruce Lee than an
everyday train designed to move people from and to their places of
employment. The noises cease ten seconds before the train comes to a
stop at the platform. If not for its appearance, the train's stop would
be perfectly normal. All is quiet for a second, then the train is
suddenly surrounded by black-clad JSSDF soldiers holding heavy automatic
weapons, and the doors are forced open with a massive crowbar held by
two of the soldiers. Tear-gas grenades and thrown into the car, which
begins venting thick white clouds the gas from every orifice. The gas
offers a dramatically obscured exit to a disheveled, black-clad,
blood-soaked figure.]

Jared: (atrocious John McClane imitation) Another train, another bunch
of trained killers... how can the same shit happen to the same guy
twice?

[Several of the soldiers charge at once. Before they take a single step,
Jared has drawn dual Uzis. By the second step, he's rapidly mowing them
down. He drops the empty guns once the platform is clear, and walks
forward to spy the next group of soldiers hiding on the stairs.]

Jared: (conversational tone; arms folded over his chest casually) Hey.

[The JSSDF soldiers open fire, and their bullets bounce off of Jared's
ki shield. The Goon sighs.]

----------

[A hundred yards away, at ground level. Cue "Duel of the Fates" by John
Williams, performed by the NERV Philharmonic Orchestra. Andy watches
impassively as a large number of JSSDF troops assault Jared. The pervert
isn't just kicking ass, he's having it ground, pressed, dyed, dried,
frozen, vacuum packed, and mounted on a little plaque for him to set on
his desk.]

[Presently, the Goon makes his way to the ground. That is to say, the
platform he was trying to get off of collapses, covering everything in
dust, but Jared plays it up, walking out of the cloud in dramatic slow
motion and dropping the last few troops with another pair of Uzis.
Twenty meters from Andy, he discards the guns, levitates a few inches
off of the ground, and floats imperiously towards his opponent.]

[The second choral section kicks in as Jared comes within five meters of
Andy, his face tilted down to obscure his eyes in shadow. He stops a
scant eight feet from the large Goon and drops soundlessly to the
ground, facing his nemesis.]

Jared: (fatalistic) Are you ready?

Andy: (smirking) Bring it on.

----------

[Back at the conference center, the NERV entourage swims in a river of
tension as they see the Jet Alone MkII walk around the test area. This
beast is a whole new Jet Alone. Thick arms and massive shoulders frame
an armored head, set atop a stout barrel neck. The arms have more
prominent elbow joints to match their sturdier design. The legs are also
thicker, their enhanced bulk no problem for its apparently larger
reactor. Slowly but surely, it's proving its mettle.]

John: (into Mini-MAGI) James?

James: (via Mini-MAGI) Its control system is locked off. Completely. I
mean, it's a physically separate system. However, I did get a copy of
the system software.

John: (into Mini-MAGI) How does it look?

James: (via Mini-MAGI) Legit, but incomplete. They left out the really
dangerous stuff for the demonstration.

John: (sighs heavily; into Mini-MAGI) Logical. Okay, what's on the early
warning system?

James: (via Mini-MAGI) Clear as the summer sky in Siberia. Say, would it
be odd for this Jet Alone to be controlled by another MAGI system?

John: (to the table at large) Would it be strange for the--

Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we are now bringing the Jet Alone into
Parking Mode.

[Every eye is on the screen, where the Jet Alone unit is stepping
towards the empty area it started from. At the last second, it turns
ninety degrees, bringing one armored foot down squarely in the parking
lot, directly on top of--]

Shinji: Isn't that--

Ritsuko: (sigh of defeat) Parking Mode. Oh, the irony.

Misato: < 0_0 > ... my... van...

[No one breathes. An Angel attack they could deal with. But this...]

Misato: < 0_0 > ... MY VAN!

[The gray and red mecha, lifts its foot off of the Minivan from Hell.
Incredibly, the beast (meaning the van, not the robot) is unscathed
despite being pounded into a minivan-shaped hole at the bottom of a
foot-shaped crater. Still, Ritsuko Forces Misato's sidearm into her hand
and quickly pockets it in her tasteful jacket, just in case.]

Misato: YOU BASTARDS!!! (reaches for the gun that's thankfully not there
anymore) THAT'S MY FUCKING [VAN]!!!

Rei: it's not stopping.

[Eyes swivel from the seething Major to the screen that shows the Jet
Alone 2 making for Tokyo-3 at full speed.]

John: It's heading for the elevators! You two, come with me!

[Ignoring even the possibility of protest, John grabs Rei and Shinji in
a big one-armed hug and uses his other hand to touch two fingers to his
forehead. Then he and the pilots are gone.]

Ritsuko: (strange hand gesture) Your car will be okay.

Misato: MY CAR IS RUINED!!!

Ritsuko: (worried; another gesture) Your car will be fixed.

Misato: (looking right at the doctor) You're damn right it'll be
fixed... (points at the Jet Alone staff at the far end of the conference
hall) with the bones of those fools!!!

----------

[In a cramped underground maintenance station, three figures appear. Rei
and Shinji look dazed. John has a "I'm a Space Marine" air about him.]

John: Shinji, get in, use the manual close and wait for James to launch
you. All three of us will come out at the same time and start with
ranged weapons.

[Shinji looks confused, but nods firmly, climbing the access ladder to
the open plug of Unit-01.]

----------

[In the Narusegawa mountain pass, three Eva elevators rise to the
surface and open their gargantuan doors, disgorging their cargo. The
Three Evas, the reflective Unit-03 with Rei at the helm, the purple
Unit-01, and the newly-restored urban camouflage of Unit-05 visible
between the conifers. Up the long mountain road, a figure of bright red
and white stalks towards the Evangelions as if it intends to march right
through them.]

John: (thinking) The foreboding feeling hasn't gone away... (out loud;
to the other Evas) FIRE!

Misato: (over comm.) STOP!

[Unit-03 gets off a single shot at the Jet Alone, which misses by mere
feet. Unit-01 lets off a few rounds in surprise, all of which go into
the air. John stays his trigger finger.]

John: Excuse me?

Misato: Nuclear reactor, remember?

John: ("well DUH" tone) Yes. And bullets don't make them blow up.

Misato: Hit too many coolant lines and it will.

John: We could dismember it, but that's fantastically dangerous. Wait,
do you want us to beat it up because it trashed your ride?

Misato: No... (amazed voice) actually that beast is just fine. They'll
have to pull it out the asphalt with a crane though. Anyway, this valley
will concentrate the blast right into the city. If you can lead it east
the blast won't cause as much damage.

John: (smirks) Got it. James, get Andy and Jared out here. Shinji, flank
to my right, Rei, stay back and to the left. Let's rock and roll, kids!

----------

[In the deserted street back in Tokyo-3, Jared and Andy are still facing
each other.]

Jared: (smirking) Okay, you get to start the trash-talking.

Andy: (ecstatic) Very well, villain! You shall now see my true form!

Jared: "Now" as in right now, or "now" as in DBZ Time?

Andy: Just to make you feel a little better, about-to-be-demolished
weakling, we'll do this in DBZ Time! GET YOUR SLEEPING BAGS, KIDDIES,
BECAUSE YOU'RE IN FOR ONE LUDICROUSLY LONG POWER-UP!!!

[Andy assumes the stance. A little timer appears on the ground next to
him, reading "117h, 38m" complete with a caption that reads "Ludicrously
Long Power-up Countdown Clock(tm)."]

[The ludicrously long power up begins with Andy impaling his stomach on
Jared's hardened fist. Er...I guess we're not in for one ludicrously
long power up. Andy bounces repeatedly off of Jared's elbows, knees,
heels, and fists several more times, before finishing his "power up" by
less than gracefully whacking an entire skyscraper into his face.]

Andy: That... almost hurt.

Jared: Fool. The battle is not joined when one is finished flapping
their lips. (lecherous grin) But talking during the act can be fun!

[Andy roars, bursting from the ground in a blur and attacking Jared with
a flurry of blows before pulling back and flashing a signature red
aura.]

Jared: (thinking) He learns fast... I'm so proud!

[Jared dribbles his chin on Andy's knee for a moment.]

Jared: (thinking) But is he truly worthy? Is it finally time to begin
teaching my style? Does he truly... want to learn?

[After Jared gets a good bird's-eye view of Tokyo-3 and follows it up
with a taste-test of the road surface, he clambers to his feet and
glares at Andy.]

Jared: (thinking) Well, time to loosen up... then it begins. (out loud)
That's it. You asked for it!

Andy: Asked for what? More of that weak shit you call fighting?

Jared: (evil smirk) rrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRR.....

Andy: (taunting) Oooh... look at the little pervert! He's real angry!
Oh! I better run and hide!

Jared: RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAA.....

Andy: (still taunting) Look at this cute widdle aura! (smile starts to
falter) He looks so... so... oh shit.

[The Jared thing rises slowly from the ground, his irises glowing red.
An enormous red aura blows about him like a storm, whipping his already
frazzled hair into a frenzy. Andy reaches deep down inside himself and
finds the courage to run in the opposite direction while screaming like
a little girl. After two city blocks of this, however, the thing that
may or may not be Jared Instant Transmissions in front of him and he
bounces off its chest like a ping-pong ball.]

Super Eichijin-Jared: (snarling) You shall not escape... MY WRATH!!!

Andy: (from the ground; indignant) That's my line!

[SEJ-Jared's Storm of Perversion reaches its crescendo (sorry, couldn't
resist), then seems to explode, bathing the entire area in a wave of
passion. Worried, Andy promptly transforms into his Super Chibijin form,
his aura of cute protecting him from the strange wind of perversion
(yeah, another horrible pun; and don't think I'm done either!) blows out
from its source.]

[Quite suddenly, the perversion is gone, evaporating as if it never was.
SCJ-Andy stands alone in the street, staring intently into the cloud of
dust where SEJ-Jared--or whatever he has become--should be.]

SCJ-Andy: Hel... Hello?

[A dramatic wind abruptly blows the dust away. "Jared" stands in the
ruined street, a patient, serene expression on his face. He is now
inexplicably dressed not unlike the Psycho Sensei, but with a purple top
instead of gray. A nodachi rests at his side, and not a hair upon his
head is out of place.]

Jared?: Good afternoon. You must be the diminished form of my comrade-
cum-adversary, Andrew G--

SCJ-Andy: Don't say it!

Jared?: < 0_0 > Oro? Say what? Andrew G--

SCJ-Andy: RRRAAARRGH!

[SCJ-Andy rushes the figure for a leg sweep, which the "new" Jared deals
with by simply raising the targeted leg for a second. The smaller
fighter then hurls a barrage of punches through the air, beating the
stuff out of the atmosphere. "Jared" is spared from harm by holding the
chibi being at bay with one hand on top of the tiny fighter's head.]

SCJ-Andy: (cutely indignant) Take your punishment like a man!

Jared?: When it is my place to do so, I shall. I am a man of my word--

SCJ-Andy: Yeah, a man perverted beyond belief!

[SCJ-Andy Tokyo Shuffles up to head height and flings a roundhouse kick
at "Jared's" head, which he dodges by leaning back slightly.]

Jared?: Ah yes, small one. Surely you speak of the mask placed upon this
mind to protect the future from ruin.

SCJ-Andy: What are you smoking?!

["Jared" sniffs the air with the smallest of formal frowns.]

Jared?: (confused) Oro? I smell nothing aflame.

[Andy shows off an evil yet cute smirk, then rushes "Jared" again, this
time from point-blank-range. The sword at the thing's side is no flimsy
prop. The handle rams itself into Andy's chibified face at approximately
mach 2.0.]

[WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! CRUNCH! The "Jared" thing uneasily eyes
several SCJ-Andy-shaped holes in a neat row of identical apartment
buildings.]

Jared?: < 0_0; > Oro... (bows his head in shame) Lord of this domicile,
I must apologize for my inexcusably dangerous behavior. Though no one
inhabits them now--

["Jared" suddenly blocks a dangerous punch from the now normal Andy with
his sword, a look of casual annoyance on his face. A full-sized Andy
hangs in the air for a second before pulling back and landing on the
street a good twenty meters away.]

Jared?: (mild annoyance) Do you mind?

Andy: (actually thoughtful) Interesting. A sword and a sense of honor.
What have you done now Waddell?!

Jared?: Oro? (thinks about this for a second) I took my power to the
maximum level I was able to achieve in my other form. This... current
manifestation, including my mode of dress, seems to be an...
unanticipated side effect.

Andy: So... you're an honorable fighter... Giri-jin?

Super Girijin-Jared: If you insist.

Andy: (shrugs) ENERGY DAN!

[You know what happens here.]

SGJ-Jared: HITEN-WADDELL SCHOOL BLADE STORM ATTACK!

[In a blur of metal, Jared deflects the entire flurry of ki blasts into
the surrounding buildings. Andy rests his jaw on the street.]

Andy: Uaaaaaggghhh... so cool... (indignant) That's cheating!

SGJ-Jared: Oro? You are the one who asked for this fight, Mucha.

Andy: (smirks) Ha! Demon Finger's Cutting Lance!

[Andy sweeps his arm to the side as if drawing back a curtain. A beam of
ki lances out from his extended index finger, cutting apart a nearby
apartment building like a hot knife through warm butter.]

SGJ-Jared: Dragon Climbs to Heaven Slash!

[Drawing his sword, SGJ-Jared neatly slices falling building in two. One
half passes him on the left, the other half passes him on the right.]

[Massive crashing noise. Instant dust cloud.]

Andy: (arms folded over his chest) HAHAHAHAHAHAA! He must be dead! No
one could survive that much dust!

SGJ-Jared: (from within the haze) Oro?

Andy: (palm to forehead) Great. He's an even BIGGER idiot now!

[Powering up, Andy is suddenly less than a meter tall.]

SCJ-Andy: (cutely distressed) I've really gotta figure out how to keep
this from happening in a fight. I need... (Dramatic Pause) to power
SIDEWAYS!

[He quickly pulls himself out of the chibi form, only to see a figure
appearing from the dust cloud, followed by a dramatic breeze. The NERV
Orchestra starts some theme from an old samurai flick, the sound piped
to the combatants via conveniently placed speakers.]

SGJ-Jared: Are you prepared to finish this farce?

Andy: I wish to be done with both you _and_ this farce, Waddell! Change
back right this instant so I can beat you up and feel good about it!

SGJ-Jared: Oro?

Andy: QUIT SAYING THAT! And what's with the sword, anyway?! I thought
you weren't going to use weapons in this fight!

SGJ-Jared: (unsheathes the sword) My honored opponent, this is a
reverse-bladed sword. I cannot cut or kill you with it, except by
dramatically altering its use. Besides, I have cast aside the shackles
of a murderer and vowed I will never kill again. This sword is proof of
that pact.

Andy: (slightly worried) When... did you kill anyone?

[SGJ-Jared's eyes narrow at the goon as he re-sheathes his sword, but a
faraway look find itself on his face.]

SGJ-Jared: That... happened some years ago. I made a mistake then; one I
will not make again. (glares at Andy) That is all _you_ need to know.

Andy: (brings up his guard) All right, then. Allow me to put an end to
your suffering.

SGJ-Jared: (drawing sword) So it shall be, Mucha, but know it is _you_
who will know your end!

[The two begin circling one another. What's left of the NERV Philharmonic
Orchestra begins playing the original Star Trek fight music.]

Andy: (charging) Die!

SGJ-Jared: (likewise) After you!

[The dramatic music builds to a climax as the two leap into the air to
meet one another, missing by several feet. Andy lands with a confused
and disappointed look on his face, which changes to rage as a long gash
appears in his shirt.]

Andy: You... ASSHOLE! That was my favorite shirt!

[Still facing away from Andy, Jared returns to normal.]

Jared: (nasty voice) What are you gonna do about it, huh?

Andy: (red aura) Kaioken! DIE!!!

[Andy appears next to Jared in time to catch a fist on the chin.
Ignoring the attack even as his head snaps back, Andy swings at Jared,
but finds his attacking hand caught by Jared's free one.]

Jared: (glaring at Andy over his shoulder) Weak.

[Jared flips Andy sideways. The larger Goon twists the throw into a
half-spin that he can land from, but Jared nails him with a ki blast at
point-blank range.]

[Andy lands a few yards away, smoking nicely.]

Andy: Bastard... (gets to his feet in kung-fu stance) Huwaaa...

Jared: (Badly Dubbed English) Defeat...me you cannot.

Andy: (BDE) You earn no defeat...I will kill you now.

Jared: (BDE; takes up stance) Fish burger!

Andy: (BDE; charging) Elizabeth!

[The two exchange an incredibly long string of convoluted kung-fu
maneuvers, counters, dodges, and special attacks. Neither one seems to
gain the upper hand after a minute or so, and they break away, facing
each other at a dozen paces. The stare-down commences.]

Jared: ...

Andy: ...

Jared: ...

Andy: ...

Jared: ...

Andy: ...

[A hand twitches. Feet leave the ground. Aura flare. Fists clash.]

Jared & Andy: (sim.) Jan! Ken! Pon!

Andy: (notes his rock to Jared's scissors) Winna!

Jared: Crap!

[Andy socks Jared in the face. The younger Goon sails through the glass
doors of a hotel lobby. Instead of pursuit, however, Andy opts to
power...up?]

Andy: (assumes weird stance; grunts and strains) Hrrnnng...

Jared: (from the lobby) Time's up!

[Jared dashes out of the store. For a moment, Andy looks to be in
trouble, holding his "stance." At the last possible second, he breaks
out of it to deflect Jared's straight punch with his own corkscrew
punch, blocking a ridge-hand strike with his other hand. Jared leans
aside the corkscrew punch, then ducks and spins, hitting Andy's shin
with reverse kick. Andy, biting back tears, drops a double-handed hammer
fist onto Jared's shoulder as he tries to roll away from his sneaky
kick. Both stumble away a few steps, Jared rubbing his shoulder and Andy
limping slightly.]

Andy: (imperiously) Fool, have you learned nothing of my power?

Jared: (derisive) Power is useless without control, precision, and
timing.

Andy: Feh. (derisive) What do you know?

Jared: You wanna know?

[Jared executes a dozen flawless back hand-springs, coming to rest near
a pile of bodies--the soldiers from earlier. In a flash, he's holding
twin MP5's.]

Andy: < 0_0 > Oh shi--

[And with a face showing only grim determination, the shorter Goon
begins firing at Andy. The taller Goon puts up a ki shield to deflect
the bullets, but knowing this is a stalemate anyway, waits until Jared
pauses to fire a return ki blast. Jared dodges, then begins running up
the remains of the rail platform, firing back. Andy ducks behind a pile
of rubble.]

[Jared tries to erase the rubble with his bullets.]

Jared: You may run, but you can't hide!

[Following Jared's... suggestion, Andy pulls out from the cover and
fires a string of ki blasts at Jared to distract him while running down
the road. Jared returns fire likewise from the monorail--which Andy's ki
blasts rapidly destroy right behind him.]

[After a dozen blocks of this, Andy literally trips over the body of
JSSDF soldier. Three more swarm him from out of nowhere, while Jared
callously picks off the rest with his guns before they run dry. Andy
finishes off his attackers, then stands in mute shock staring at the
massive armored truck he almost ran into.]

[Jared drops from the monorail as easily as a child hopping off a swing
and begins walking towards Andy--not charging, not running, not even
preparing to attack, just walking.]

Andy: There must be... (swipes a pair of handguns from the soldiers)
Yes!

[Andy spins around to see Jared having the same idea. Four pistols rise
in perfect coordination and ammo is loosed. The two dodge, spin, dive
and weave about the wreckage, around the truck and other vehicles,
pillars, doors, etc. in perfect harmony. In full John Woo style, they
quickly find themselves entering a church and dodging behind pews while
their bullets shatter beautiful stained glass windows and gouge stone
walls.]

Andy: (pauses to reload behind a pew) Nice church.

Jared: (also pauses to reload behind a pew) Beautiful. How come it's
here in Tokyo-3?

Andy: I'm guessing Christans built it.

Jared: Andy, let your words know that they still have to make sense
after they leave your head.

Andy: (finds he only has enough ammo for one pistol) If you insist.

Jared: (also has ammo for only one pistol) I insist.

[And both stand, guns drawn...]

----------

[At the field of battle, John is shouting orders almost on instinct,
with no room for confusion or doubt.]

John: Tear off its arms and legs, but stay out of its reach!

[Unit-01 and 03 sprint towards the robot, the pounding of giant armored
feet like rolling thunder. Shinji goes high with a powerful but well-
guarded flying kick that misses completely. Rei fakes a punch then ducks
in with a running elbow. The Jet Alone whips out an arm and clotheslines
the passing Eva smoothly. Shinji leaps into the air again, launching
himself  at the robot.]

[From its prone position, Unit-03 grabs one of the Jet Alone's arms,
leaving Shinji an opening.]

[The bio-mecha hits mecha like a plane crash, the force of the impact
causing trees three kilometers away to sway and shudder. A shock wave
ripples through the ground with super-sonic speed. Armored plates buckle
and shatter, but the Jet Alone, unfeeling and unforgiving, shrugs off
Shinji. Rei rolls away as John comes within range, dropping into an
unusual fighting stance that would look familiar if I had written that
part in Chronicles of War.]

Rei: why is there lightning on the horizon, genoni-oniisan?

John: Either a storm is coming in or Author-Jared is plugging other
stories again.

Rei: plugging?

John: < o_o; > Never mind. You okay?

Rei: i am undamaged.

John: Thank God.

[John closes the gap with the mad, mechanized, nuclear monstrosity,
interrupting its lazy walk with a kick to the shin. He's immediately
forced back a dozen paces by a flurry of punches that are barely
blocked. John ducks under the final strike, catching the passing limb,
and executes an Aikido throw, hurling the robot into the ground on its
back and snapping the wrist in his grasp. The robot then stops to stare
at Unit-05.]

John: < -_- > Crap. It doesn't feel pain.

[But John does, for after the Jet Alone's next punch flattens the face
of Unit-05, John groans in a most displeased way.]

John: Misato!

Misato: (over comm.) Yes Genoni?

John: What I am being paid to take this abuse?

Misato: (over comm.) I'll call the accounting department and get back to
you. Fight on, soldier!

John: (mumbling to himself as he pulls Unit-05 to its feet) Fight!
Fight! Fight! Win! Win! Win! Rah! Rah! Rah!

[Through the view screen within Unit-05, John watches Unit-01 deliver a
string of kicks which are blocked, then falls to a potent dragon sweep.]

John: I just wanna kill this thing... (into comm.) Rei! Shinji! Regroup
for a coordinated attack!

[The two Evas respond to John's summons. The Goon notes that once
they're out of hand-to-hand range, the Jet Alone unit ignores them and
resumes plodding towards Tokyo-3.]

John: (thinking) It's headed for the city! (out loud) GO GETTER!!!

[Shinji sends a startled look John's way, but all three Evangelions rise
to the call of duty, charging the robot like vengeful demons. John pulls
back at the last seconds to dodge the Jet Alone's counter. Rei and
Shinji dodge around opposite sides of the robot, just out of striking
range. The robot picks Rei, and as soon as it makes for her, the boys
close the gap, dodging the defensive strikes sent their way. Both hammer
the Jet Alone's back mercilessly. It quickly sidesteps their attack,
pulls away from Rei, and slams a kick into Unit-01 as a parting shot.
Shinji stops the stumbling Eva, then roars like a wild animal, dropping
into a low Capoeira stance.]

[John adopts a Pa'gua stance and Rei pulls up behind them, Unit-03's
armored fists held up like a boxer. Shinji opens with a string of
powerful windmill kicks that roll to the right, kicking debris into the
Jet Alone's face. John moves to the left, Unit-05's palms blurring
through the air to deflect and distract. This time the attack is so
tight and coordinated that the Jet Alone is simply overwhelmed and
knocked back a hundred yards by a string of attacks from Rei.]

James: (over comm.) John, the other Evas are cold-starting now. ETA is
twenty-one seconds.

John: Great. Dumb and dumber?

James: (over comm.) Your "friends" are shooting up a good portion of
downtown right now. Not many speakers in that area, but I should be able
to make contact soon.

John: Bastards! I'm _missing_ it! Oh yeah, tell them to get into their
Evas and get out here!

James: (over comm.) Roger that.

John: (attacking again) Any good news?

James: (over comm.) No. I got into the plans and everything to look for
a weakness, and this thing and I need to warn you that it has divided
arm joints and four progressive knives.

[John pauses to look at the robot.]

Shinji: (on the other side, gamely) Your move.

[Through the view screen, the Jet Alone halts as if it has just crossed
an invisible line. It faces the other Evas silently for a second, then
reaches into a tiny set of guards under its arms and pulls a set of
progressive knives loose, holding two in each hand. Since imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery, the arms then split apart at the elbows,
then at the wrists, giving the Jet Alone four arms, each holding a
progressive knife. The progressive knives activate one at at time, the
quad humming weapons shaking the very ground as the robot readies for
their attack.]

John: Fuck.

[Nicely put.]

----------

        [Public Service Announcement 5: Safety, Safety, Safety!]

[Author-Jared is crucified in the background. An army of undead are
attacking Author-John and Author-Andy, who fight them off with shotguns
and bullwhips.]

Author-John: Quick! To the entrance!

Author-Andy: Right behind you!

[Author-John slips on a banana peel, knocking down Author-Andy as well.
The screen freezes and text pops up, "KEEP WORK AREAS CLEAN."]

----------

[Tokyo-3. Andy and Jared stand in the middle of the deserted street,
guns resting at their sides, smoke issuing from the barrels. Both have
stunned looks plastered all over their bruised mugs.]

Jared: That was... so COOL! (drops gun to gesticulate wildly) How did
you DO that, with the zing! Woo-pah! Bang! Pow!

Andy: (drops gun; manic gestures) And that thing you did with wham!
Smack! Bang! Plunk! Zing!

Jared: (spazzing out) And then the--

Andy: (building up) --yeah, yeah, and the--

Jared & Andy: (sim.) --that was AMAZING!

[Grinning wildly, the two charge at one another, clashing and sending
out shock waves. The battle, both furious and picturesque, quickly moves
into a skyscraper, then to the roof of the skyscraper, then leaps from
rooftop to rooftop across the Tokyo-3 skyline until the Goons land on a
frighteningly accurate copy of the original Tokyo Tower. By the time the
camera catches up with them, they're wearing school uniforms with price
tags still attached to the sleeves, and wielding HUGE swords.]

[It's been a LONG time since I've seen "X," but I'll give it a try. Dark
clouds swirl above, golden lightning touching the city here and there.
Rose petals the color of blood flow around the fighters, so thick they
can barely see.]

Jared: (struggling to see through the rose petals) What... the... fuck?

Andy: (swiping at the petals with his sword to no avail) The special
effects... they've gone crazy! Help me stop this sani--I mean insanity!

[The rose petals begin to fade. After a moment, they are gone, leaving
the roof of the observation platform colored crimson.]

Andy: Jared? Hey, where are you?

Voice: Andy... I am... your mother...

Andy: Mom?

Voice: Andy... you must go to Tokyo-3.

Andy: < -_- > ... I'm _in_ Tokyo-3, mom.

Voice: Andy... now you must...

[The camera pans around to face Andy head-on and with that we see Jared
crouched on a beam directly behind and above him, imitating the voice of
the other Goon's mother.]

Andy: < -_- > Must what?

Jared: ... DIE! (drops and swings)

Andy: (blocking and narrowing his eyes as the clashing swords shower him
in sparks) Lame, dude. Very lame.

Jared: (still hanging in the air, sword crossed with Andy's) Maybe, but
I've always wanted to do that.

James: Aha! Guys, a moment?

Andy & Jared: NO!

[Andy snarls and swipes at the smaller Goon, who back-flips out of the
way, and thanks to his location, leaps right off the observation
platform. Andy follows without pause.]

James: Fuckers!

Jared: (as he lands and swings with both hands) VACUUM BLADE FORCE
ATTACK!

Andy: Shit!

[Andy just barely dodges to the side, in mid-air no less, as a
paper-thin wave of something shoots by him. Curious, he looks over his
shoulder to see a line of dust flake off the building behind him where
the "blade" hit.]

Andy: Hm... (swings) VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!

[Jared dodges the return shot.]

Jared: (smirks; swings) VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!

Andy: (quickly; swings) VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!

[The two waves issue at different angles, fly through the air. Both
Goons smirk as the waves get closer, closer... the Goons brace
themselves for a new type of explosion, then the waves pass harmlessly
through one another without slowing down or changing direction.]

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

Andy: < 0_0 > ...

[Both Goons dodge just in time, both coming away with torn clothing.]

Andy: What was that?

Jared: Something like a Ranma 1/2 technique I saw once.

[Both suddenly launch new waves with reckless abandon. Within a few
minutes, a huge dust cloud has formed, and several buildings have
collapsed.]

[Near one such building, Jared lands amidst the dust cloud, and is
forced to pause. Nerves taunt as piano wire, he stands still as a
statue, listening, looking for his enemy.]

Jared: ...

Jared: ...

Jared: ...

[The entire area is silent. Wispy gray and brown clouds of dust slowly
settle around Jared like a falling mist.]

Jared: ...

Jared: ...

Jared: ...

[Then a piece of concrete the size of a potato falls from the building
he's standing front of. It explodes into two neatly bisected halves that
fly apart before Jared even lands on the ground, a half-block away,
sword drawn and held at his side after executing a powerful slash.]

Jared: ...

Jared: ...

Jared: ...

Jared: (thinking) Calm down Jared. You'll never see him coming if you're
this tense.

[Jared's vision pans across the small courtyard he's landed in.
Building... building... bench... signpost... building... fence... alley
with enough room for perhaps a Cooper Mini to fit through, with a tiny
car parked there. Next comes another building.]

Jared: ...

Jared: ...

Jared: ...

[Jared's eyes snap back to the car's chrome bumper. A reflection in the
bumper is moving.]

Jared: (eyes widen; spins and slashes) HA!

[Jared's massive sword shatters another hunk of concrete, this one
clinging to a metal pole that's coming at Jared's head and is held by
Andy. The force of shattering the concrete finally knocks the sword out
of Jared's hands. The smaller Goon leaps away to eye Andy critically.]

Jared: (thinking) What a sneak-attack! He is... learning...

Andy: ...

Jared: ...

Andy:  ...

Jared: ...

[As if by unseen command, the two begin moving again. Andy works his way
through an elaborate kata with his makeshift staff. Jared assumes the
stance and begins a slow power up. As Andy's kata finally draws towards
a close, translucent blue flames envelope Jared.]

Jared: SUPER ULTIMATE MEGA BEYOND INSANITY TURBO OVERKILL MIND-EXPANDING
ULTIMATE FINAL TRI-FORM TECHNIQUE TIMES PI!!!

[Andy finishes his kata with a single half-spin and stops ready to
fight, facing one hundred Jareds. All have shed the high school uniform,
and wear black suits, black ties, Italian shoes, sunglasses, and are all
fitted with identical ear communicators. In short, they're all dressed
exactly like Agent Smith from those movies... you know, the ones with
the action, the fighting, and no plot?]

[You know, the ones just like _this_ story?]

[The Jared at the front looks around the courtyard theatrically.]

Jared #1: ...

[He takes in Andy with a look of disdain.]

Jared #1: (flawless Agent Smith Mode) Well, well, well. What do we have
here? (looks at himself) Why it's--

Jared #2: (also flawless Agent Smith Mode) Me.

Jared #1: (cold smile) Me too. (folds his arms over his chest) Me...
me... me... An army of me. (as the forms slowly surround Andy) It
appears that I am everywhere, Mr. Mucha. I am inescapable,
unstoppable...

[Well, this is stupidity is going to take us nowhere for a while. We'll
come back when it gets interesting.]

----------

[Unit-01 and 03 pull back, giving John and the metal beast room. The Jet
Alone's arms are moving in a complex defensive pattern, the glowing
progressive knife blades flying through the air in a blur. John drops
Unit-05 into a knife-fighting stance and takes out his own progressive
knife. Hopefully, John's picked up some mad knife skillz from Jared.]

[The Jet Alone begins a slow march towards Unit-05, intent on slicing
the Eva into ribbons without expending any further computational power
on the fight. Then the knives come to a stop against an AT-Field.]

John: GOTCHA!!!

[Even as the Jet Alone tries to cut through the field, John angles a
thrusting charge at the robot while dropping the AT-Field. The Jet
Alone's knives all slice harmlessly through air while John's blade
neatly severs one hand. Then John jumps back and assumes his stance
again. The Jet Alone considers the missing knife, then resumes its
attack with a different defensive pattern.]

John: (to the arriving Evas) Stay back!

[Unit-02, 09, and 07 come to a halt a decent distance from the knife
fight. 02 holds a pair of weapons resembling nagita, both with humming
progressive blades. 07 is all but an exact copy of the canon Unit-03
save for the massive double-ended progressive broad sword and spherical
bulge in its armor protecting an active S2 core. 09 stands beside 07
with an Eva-sized katana. 09 now features a dull green paint job,
compact B-type armor and head gear that resembles an infantry helmet. A
huge lens is set over the left eye.]

Toji: Shinji, what's going on?

Misato: (over comm to all of the Eva pilots) Cut the chatter, 07.
Support John with running attacks to keep the robot from overwhelming
05.

Toji: I'm just wondering why John hasn't blasted it yet.

Misato: (over comm; sighs) The Jet Alone MkII is powered by an on-board
nuclear reactor. Projectile weapons that the Evangelions are equipped
with will detonate it, ki blasts carry equal danger, and this area is
heavily populated. You'll need to disable its combat capabilities
without damaging the reactor.

Asuka: (snorts; sarcastic) Right. That's going to be easy.

[The three new Evas pull out their progressive knives. Now surrounded by
six bio-mechanical weapons of war, the Jet Alone finally gives pause
before resuming its assault on Unit-05. A flurry of knife attacks is
thrown upon the Jet Alone with righteous fury. Barely defending itself,
the Jet Alone resorts to kicks to keep the swarming Evas at bay, even as
it looses another hand to John's skilled attacks.]

John: We have it!

[The Jet Alone ignores the battle cry and leaps into the sky, clearing
the group and landing on the ground a full 200m closer to Tokyo-3, and
right in the middle of some strange-looking fog. Instantly the robot
jerks to a halt and something resembling tar condenses over its entire
surface.]

John: (exultant) Hah! It's immobilized! That's brilliant! That's
incredible! (exultation changes to confusion) That's... really
weird-lookin' shit. Who fired that? Do Andy and Jared have a tar-
lunching gun I'm not aware of? I don't see a catapult out there...

Misato: (over comm.) Nobody launched anything. We didn't--

[Alarms wail.]

James: (over all comm. systems) Blue pattern confirmed. Coding Jet Alone
MkII as 13th Angel. Evangelions, commence attack.

John: ...

Misato: ...

Ritsuko: ...

Aoba: ...

Shinji: ...

Makoto: ...

Asuka: ...

Toji: ...

Kensuke: ...

Fuyutsuki: ...

Maya: ...

James: (over all comm. systems) Honestly, who didn't see this coming?

[John blinks, then blinks again as the Angel mimicks a living oil slick
and slides under the Jet Alone's external armor. The robot begins
thrashing around.]

John: (managing a spit-take in LCL) What the-- (turns on the exterior
speakers and their amplifier system) You! Quit stepping on those people!
Get away from that building! No! No, you idiot! Emote! Emote!

[Misato and Ritsuko stare open-mouthed at the battlefield.]

John: (lamely, as he turns off the external speakers) Worth a try.

[The Angel leaps into the air, landing on the back of Unit-01. The
severed arms sprout a dozen tentacles each, and they rapidly wind their
way around Unit-01 like a spider wrapping up its prey.]

Asuka: Shinji!

Misato: (over comm.) Get that thing off of him!

John: (getting out the Predator claws) Fuck this.

[Unit-03 charges the Angel, hitting the Jet Alone chassis like a
linebacker. Unit-01 rocks on its feet and nearly falls over, but the
Angel stays firmly attached. It grabs Unit-03 and attempts to use it as
a shield against John, but the Goon and his Eva are too fast and jump
clean over the struggling mass, raking the massive claws extending from
its wrist down the Angel's side, splitting open the armor on one of the
arms. A black "liquid" begins to flow out of the wound, freezes for a
second as it hits the air, then forms tentacles and begins flying
towards John.]

[Raising Unit-05's arm instinctively, John uses his blades to slice
apart the tentacles--Turbo Ginsu(tm) style. They pull back for a
split-second, then glint in the sunlight and charge again, this strike
eliciting a metallic ring as they hit the blocking blades.]

John: (slight English accent) Clever girl...

[Unit-05 rolls out of the way while Unit-03 jumps aside another strike
of the hardened tentacles coming from one free arm. Interestingly, the
robotic hand is attached to the tentacles rather than directly to the
robot's arm like it should be.]

[Unit-01 roars, tearing half of the tentacles away and taking a step
forward.]

Shinji: DIIIEEE!!!

[Against standing orders, John draws his backup pistol. Asuka tosses a
spare nagita to Shinji and charges the Angel head-on with Kensuke and
Toji flanking her. John lets a round go over the Angel's head,
distracting it while Shinji starts swinging at the tentacles binding his
Evangelion. The result is similar in look and sound to putting a handful
of bolts and a cup of molasses into a blender set on "puree." Just, you
know, at Eva scale.]

Asuka: Holy--

[Unit-02 is pushed back, blocking a string of overhead attacks that chip
away pieces of the blade on her progressive nagita. Ducking and spinning
behind Kensuke, who thankfully misses the brunt of the Angel's attack
and stands fast using his katana to defend himself. Asuka tightens the
spin, bringing her nagita around in a powerful arc to gather speed and
moves into a crouch under the right arm of Unit-09. The nagita's blade
flies into the Angel's side with a satisfying CRUNCH!]

Asuka: (as drops of blood obscure her view) YES!!! Take that!

John: (over comm.) 09 is down! Asuka, catch him!

[Her next victory cry catching in her throat, Asuka looks up to see that
the crimson streaks on her visual sensors are from the blood spraying
out of a deep cut in 09's right shoulder--the attack that left the mark
would have sliced Unit-02's head in two had Kensuke not stood defiantly
in its path. Asuka's eyes widen as she takes in the damage. At the same
time, the two limbs Kensuke was just fighting pull back and form into
a massive battering-ram of an arm. Then the arm is launched at the head
of 09 like a missile.]

[Acting without conscious thought (a relatively common activity for
Asuka), she shoves at the bleeding arm with her Eva's left hand,
rotating the Unit-09's head and upper body away from the coming blow.
Her right hand lets the nagita fall free--the long weapon is useless at
this range--and grabs the katana dropped by Unit-09 with her right hand,
bringing it up with every ounce of strength 02 can muster. As the blade
nears the vertical, Unit-02's left hand closes around the handle,
putting more power behind the blade. Just as the sword is perfectly
vertical, the Angel's freakish half machine, half something else
super-fist slams into the it, rattling Asuka's bones as the impact
vibrations travel through her Evangelion.]

Asuka: (looking up in disbelief) No way...

[Yes way. The Angel's fist is completely undamaged by the blow.]

Asuka: (rolling back) We're screwed!

[As if to punctuate this statement, Unit-07 goes sailing over Asuka and
skips over a hundred or so small trees, a few houses, and a parked sail
boat before flattening a trio of cabins set on the shore of the nearby
lake.]

[Unit-05 and 03, moving with exceptional coordination, slam the Angel
between a pair of attacks, cracking more of the Jet Alone's armor, but
the Angel isn't hurt, only slightly deformed and extremely pissed off.]

----------

[We're back to the 100 Jareds and Andy armed with a staff.]

Andy: (applauding) That was the COOLEST speech I've ever heard! Have you
been practicing that for long?

Jared #1: Weeks. (assumes kung-fu stance; other 99 Jareds do likewise)
Ready to face your doom?

[Andy swings at the nearest Jared clumsily. The other Jareds rapidly
swarm him. Andy executes a few back flips to get some distance, comes up
against one of the buildings, and springs off the wall, trying to clear
the horde below. But the jump is far too low. The Jareds leap at him and
eventually enough grab him that they pull him down. The others begin an
immediate and massive dog-pile. From the bottom of the pile comes a
muffled CRIK!]

Andy: (muffled under the Jareds) Aha! That's better!

[The Jareds are blown away as if Andy's body has become an exploding
firecracker. The big Goon comes flying out of the pile pummeling Jared
after Jared mercilessly. Finally, he gets himself some room, and gives
the Jareds a come-hither gesture.]

Jared 1: (charging) RAAAGH!

[The pace and intensity of the fight is doubled as Andy manages to hold
his own against the One Hundred Jareds Assault. The Jareds are very
weak, and although skilled, and easily tossed aside by Andy's greater
strength. For a while, it seems like his endurance will carry him
through. But the Jareds begin to merge. Slowly the numbers dwindle until
there's only one (thank God!), who stands still, letting Andy land a
kick that sends him flying across the courtyard.]

Jared: (slowly getting to his feet) Pretty good, dude. You were almost
fighting there for a moment.

Andy: (winded, but not done) Feh.

Jared: Ever hear of a technique called "rope-a-dope?"

Andy: As much as you can hide it, you've exhausted yourself too.

Jared: (shrugs) If you insist.

[Andy explodes off the ground, flying for the clouds like a missile,
aura blazing. Jared stands idly on the ground for a moment, then a red
aura flares around him and he's off like a rifle bullet, landing a
flying kick in Andy's guard.]

[You can hear the impact two miles away.]

Jared: (disappearing with another red aura) Kaioken!

[Then Andy suddenly kicks at thin air, his boot impacting on Jared's
chin half-way through the move.]

Andy: Hah! That'll stop your stupid Kaioken! (red aura) KAIOKEN!

[Andy is a little surprised when Jared suddenly uses the flip-kick on
him, but he's even more surprised to find that he's suddenly too dizzy
to do much fighting and drifts away from the pervert.]

Jared: (yelling at the parked car while pointing at the sky) Fight like
a man!

Andy: (up-side down and unable to figure out where "up" should be) I'm
over here, dude.

Jared: (spinning around hopelessly and pointing at Mt. Fuji) Now who has
to use the Tri-Form Technique?!

Andy: (plummeting from the sky) Quit using the ground against me,
Waddell!

Jared: (attacking his own arm) I'm not!

[WHAM!]

[A cloud of dust signals Andy's friendly impact with planet earth.]

James: Guys? Guys! Damn it, you two need to knock this shit off right
now!

Andy: Fine! Give me ten seconds and I'll _annihilate_ him!

James: Listen to me, you dumb f--

----------

[The Evangelions have switched to attacking in pairs. Unit-07 is on its
feet, but Kensuke's plug is slowly filling with a crimson coloring that
the filters can't completely remove. Pleading that he is fine, he's back
in the battle, though a red stain is slowly spreading over his Eva's
armor.]

John: Damn it! (throws away his empty pistol) It just re-grows the arms
I'm shooting off!

Misato: (over comm.) Well, don't blast it. We still haven't moved
everyone out of that area.

John: (frowns deeply) There's another way. (snarls) And where the
fuck are Andy and Jared?!

James: You'll probably want to skin them alive. They're having a DBZ
moment back in the city.

John: You're right, I do want to skin them alive.

Misato: (over comm.) There won't be anything left of Tokyo-3 by the time
they're done!

John: It could be worse. They could be trying to actually blow up the
world.

Ritsuko: (to John over comm.) That's impossible! They don't have their
Evas!

Misato: (to John over comm.) That's silly. You're silly.

----------

Andy: (blazing past Jared into the upper atmosphere) THIS PLANET IS
HISTORY!

James: (string of vehement but incoherent curses)

[Eyes wide, Jared drops to the ground, his body suddenly giving off a
white glow.]

Jared: (eyes closed, begging, praying to...) Lend me the strength.
Please...lend me the strength.

Andy: (bright as the sun) GALLAT GUN FIRE!!!

[A ball of ki the size of a mini-mall begins to descend from the
heavens. It isn't slow, but it isn't fast. It moves steadily, with the
kind of inevitability that reminds one of a tidal wave approaching a
sleepy shore-side village.]

[But Jared merely grins darkly at the challenge. He assumes the proper
stance, focusing, while white and blue waves of ki flowing over his body
like living streams of pure light, slowly gathering in his cupped
hands.]

Jared: (slowly) KAMEHAME...

[The light suddenly solidifies within his hands, glowing with a buzzing
sound like a chainsaw under a pillow.]

Jared: (loudly, and quickly) HAAAAAAAAA!!!

[The two balls meet, trailing immense strands of ki that lead back to
their owners. Andy's Gallat Gun blast is white tinged with yellow, while
Jared's Kamehameha wave is pearl tinged with blue. The two collide and
stop dead, both blasts held fast by the opposing force.]

Andy: (snarling) KAIOKEN TIMES TWO!

Jared: (at the same time, and with some measure of worry) KAIOKEN TIMES
THREE!

[The combined blasts stay stubbornly in place for three very long
seconds, then pulse brilliantly and begin to slowly slide back towards
Andy.]

----------

[Back on the field of battle, Unit-01 collides violently with Unit-05.]

John: God DAMN it, Shinji! What the FUCK are you doing here?! I said
flank west!

Shinji: (openly defiant) I am flanking west!

John: (pointing) But the sun is... (realizes everyone has TWO shadows)
what the... (looks in the direction of the city and begins to seethe)
Those BASTARDS are having a BEAM BATTLE while I'm--

[John's face clenches up, lined with rage. Unable to articulate his
frustration with words, he charges the 13th Angel, swinging madly at the
beast with his progressive knife. So ferocious is his attack that even
when the other Evangelions back off, the Angel's advanced is halted.]

John: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!

Asuka: (a little shocked) Is he... is he okay?

Toji: (grits his teeth) He's got three arms down! Shinji!

Shinji: I've got your back! Go for it!

[Unit-07 and 01 move into range, covering each other's back as they
weather a dozen attacking tentacles and four powerful half-mechanical
arms. Unit-03 takes up the charge too, standing within range of the long
tentacles and eliminating the Angel's maneuvering options.]

Asuka: (leaping into the air with a savage cackle) And I'll crush the
head!

[What's left of Unit-02's nagita comes out of the sky like a missile,
slamming into the Angel-transformed mechanical head of the Jet Alone
MkII like a hammer coming down on an egg.]

Asuka: Take that, BITCH!

[In retaliation, an arc of electricity explodes out of the Angel, up the
nagita, through Unit-02 and into the very sky, dissipating into the
black clouds that have begun to gather above. The power of the discharge
blows Unit-02 a hundred feet into the air.]

Misato: (screaming over comm.) ASUKA!!!

[The Angel pulls away from the Evangelions and their stunned pilots and
rapidly resumes its march toward Tokyo-3. Unit-02 comes down hard, limbs
flopping around lifelessly.]

Shinji: (running towards Unit-02) ASUKA! ASUKA!

Kensuke: (already standing over Unit-02) I've got her! I can't fight
it... (in tears) I... I just don't know enough. Go, Shinji! Stop that
thing!

Shinji: But...

Misato: (over comm.) Shi... Shinji, do it!

Shinji: But--

John: Get down here, Ace! Rei, flank--

[A blast of light temporarily blinds anyone unfortunate enough to be
looking in the direction of Tokyo-3.]

Shinji: What the--

John: (not affected by the flash) TODAY, Ace! Rei, get next to me.

Rei: i am next to you.

John: Right. Where's Shinji?

Shinji: (sets himself; to Kensuke) Watch over her.

Rei: he's on his way.

Kensuke: I will. (as Unit-01 runs towards the moving battle) What do I
do now?

Ritsuko: (over comm.) Flip the Eva over and open the hatch on the back.
Look for the small black triangle, that's the release.

Kensuke: (notices his hands shaking) Black triangle. Check.

----------

[Back where Andy is at, the clouds are being boiled out of the sky.
Waves of ions and chemicals forged in the furnace of his ki flow away
from the Goon, who has proverbially pegged out his energy manifestation.
Yet more remains. He feels it, knows it's there, but even as his arms
tremble and the feeling leaves his limbs, he can't--or won't--reach for
it.]

Andy: (just barely holding on) DAMN... YOU...

[Far below, however, cogs are locking firmly into place.]

Jared: (triumphantly) She was wearing RED underwear! (blinks) Oh yeah,
beam battle...

[Jared pulls one hand back, leaving the other arm locked at the elbow.
He's okay for the moment, but if Andy pushes any harder right now, he'll
be the one-armed wonder for the rest of his life. Slowly, he begins to
draw strands of ki out of the blast coming from his palm, separates
them, and gets them to slowly spin around one another. When they're
moving fast enough, he nods, and slams his free hand into the back of
his other hand with a yell.]

Jared: VORTEX APOCALYPSE!!!

[This time the sun is out-shone a dozen times over as the Gallat Gun and
Kamehameha wave detonate like a nuclear bomb. Jared weathers the storm
that washes the color from the scene. With any luck, he's dead.]

[We're not that lucky.]

[Meanwhile, Andy is thrown only God knows how many miles away...]

Andy: (receding into the distance at high speed) BOOM! WHEEEEEeeeeee...

[When the dust has only just begun to clear, Jared pokes his head out of
a pile of soft beds. Shaking his head, he climbs out of the pile.]

[A considerable distance away, Andy crawls off of a pile of soft
and--thanks to his arrival--unconscious Yakuza. He quickly appropriates
a black trench coat, a black suit, and some shades. Locking onto Jared's
unique energy signature, Andy flies directly towards him at top speed.
The mach cone formed in his wake picks up cars and debris, flinging them
about like marbles thrown down a rain gutter.]

[Then, unexpectedly, Andy's chin makes contact with the remains of a
tennis shoe that has a foot in it with a leg still attached. Crashing
into a building head-first at 400 mph, Andy misses the sight of Jared
landing easily on his feet from the sudden attack and turn to face
Andy's landing place.]

[The larger Goon bursts out of the side of the building with a full
triple somersault and lands on the ground a dozen feet in front of Jared
amidst a shower of concrete and steel.]

Andy: (bits of concrete sticking to his face) That was pretty cool.

Jared: Agreed. Ready to lose?

Andy: (charging) NEVER!

[Andy just misses Jared with a powerful spinning kick, then gets a
return kick in the gut. Ignoring it, he swipes at the Jared, and again
misses. This time Jared's counter is an uppercut that starts at his
knees and ends at Andy's chin. The blow strikes with so much force that
the large Goon is lifted a foot into the air. Jared then grabs him about
the middle waist. Arcs of electricity explode out of Jared's hands,
coursing through Andy and handily illuminating his skeleton dancing the
100,000-Volt jig.]

[Jared drops the smoking Goon and backs away.]

[Andy belches out a cloud of smoke.]

Andy: (coughing) That was pretty cool.

Jared: (pointing) Dude, your hair is standing on end... (screaming in
rage) YOU <censored> PUSSY-ASSED <censored> <censored> <censored> IDIOT!
YOU PIECE OF <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored>
<there's no way in hell I'm typing that in this story>!!! You look like
Vegeta now!!! (fist to the heavens) When will my time come? And who will
I come as?!

[Andy shrugs, then launches a fast, flaring-aura string of attacks.
Jared matches them closely, but lets a few hits through. Snarling, he
quickly reverses the flow of flying fists, clashing elbows, crunching
knees, and smashing feet. Pressed back to the remains of the building he
just decimated, Andy jumps up and springs off the wall with an aerial
side kick, aiming to cut Jared in half. With a superior smirk, Jared
steps to one side of the kick and clotheslines Andy right out of the
air.]

Andy: (laying on the ground) You God damn cheat!

Jared: Sore loser!

[The pair crosses with a high string of hooking kicks, then change up to
a string of straight and reverse punches ending in a series of locked
backfists. After the final attack they pause for a minute, wrist-to-
wrist.]

Jared: You're learning.

Andy: You're dead meat.

[Andy socks Jared in the stomach. Jared clocks Andy on the chin. The
larger Goon turns his fall into a spin and executes a leg-sweep that's
quickly turned into a double-kick. Jared does a back hand-spring to
dodge the leg sweep, then gets folded in half around Andy's foot.
Knocked a dozen yards away, Jared slowly gets to his feet, makes little
pistol shapes with his hands, and begins shooting ki "bullets" at Andy.
The big Goon stands his ground though, bending at the waist to dodge the
"shots," leaving after-images behind as he does so.]

[Jared stops shooting, shocked. Then Andy raises one "gun" hand and
fires at Jared. Jared leans back at the knees, dodging the string of
"bullets" fired by Andy while the camera rotates around him in Bullet
Time(tm). Then Jared jumps back to his feet, one "pistol" at the ready.
The two charge at each other, firing and dodging before they jump into
the air and Bullet Time(tm) the rest of the "gun" fight, landing on the
ground with index fingers pointed at each other's heads.]

Jared: (grinning wildly) THAT ROCKED!

Andy: (grinning manically) THAT WAS AWESOME!

[Both Goons immediately jump to their feet and dash to and fro, firing
hundreds and hundreds of ki "bullets" into the area. Eventually Jared is
crouched behind a pile of concrete that's shot down to match his profile
so that any movement leaves him exposed. Andy's cover is shot out in the
shape of the Playboy bunny, infuriating the Goon who's holding a yoga
pose behind it to avoid being shot.]

Andy: Fucker!

Jared: (taking pictures of his handiwork) Hold on a second...

[Andy teleports right next to Jared, slaps his "gun" hand aside and
head-butts him.]

Jared: Was that supposed to hurt?

[Andy knees Jared in the stomach, drops a double-fist on the back of his
neck, and kicks him soccer-ball style into a parked mini-bus. The bus
bends into a ninety degrees angle at the point of impact, the sound of
violently deforming metal like a gunshot in the empty city.]

Jared: (stumbling out like a frat brother on beer #22) What... wuzzat
supposed to... wha...

[Andy lands a flying kick on the Goon, this time sending both him and
the bus sliding nearly a block down the road. Then he starts walking
toward it, slowly.]

Jared: KIYAAAAA!!!

[In flare of red light, the bus is blown apart and Jared charges Andy
with murder in his eyes. Andy meets the attack with a red aura of his
own.]

----------

[Time is running out. John dodges a few wild swings from the Angel, then
helps Shinji block a set of attacks from tentacles with razor-sharp
points on them. Bleeding holes in the armor of both Evas are a testament
to the power of these tentacles. Kensuke, out of his Eva and barely
alive, is sitting on the torn-up landscape with Asuka, who's only alive
thanks to the CPR Kensuke learned how to do only last week. The armor of
Unit-07 has been peeled off in several places, relegating Toji to
backup. While Unit-03 has proven insanely tough, as designed, the strain
of piloting the highly modified Eva is slowing Rei considerably. Shinji
and John are still able to fight, but are as slowing as well.]

Shinji: (over comm.) We're all going to die, aren't we?

John: I should have blasted it before Asuka got shocked. If I fire a ki
blast now, her and Kensuke are gonners.

Shinji: Then what now?

[The Angel, sensing the pause, unleashes another burst of electricity
from its tentacles. John raises Unit-05's arms and the electricity is
drawn into points of blue light in its hands. After the burst is gone,
John shakes his head.]

Shinji: < 0_0 > ...

John: (quietly) Get back.

----------

[The clouds are now thick in the sky, making an artificial night over
Tokyo-3. Jared and Andy battle back and forth desperately, clothes torn,
faces and bodies covered in bruises, scraps, scratches, and small cuts.
They clash here, there, kicking up dust as they battle back and forth
with an astonishing variety of moves that would simply crush any martial
artists with enough skill to actually block them.]

[They clash again, in the middle of a street. Punches strike flesh as
the dueling pair rise higher and higher. Suddenly, they jerk to an
awkward halt in mid air.]

Jared: Ouch! Fuck!

Andy: What the hell?!

Jared: The wires are all tangled up.

Andy: Then cut them!

Jared: Reach for my back pocket. There should be a pair of wire cutters
there.

Andy: < 0_0; > You carried a pair of wire cutters to our fight?

Jared: Hello? _Wire_ fighting? I figured something like this would
happen!

Andy: Ah, got 'em.

[Snip. Snip. Snip.]

Jared: Yes, almost loose!

Andy: (cutting away despite his own train of thought) Aren't we
twenty-seven floors u--

[Snip. TWANG!]

Jared & Andy: (falling rapidly) AAAHHH!

Andy: (stopping in mid air) Wait! We can fly!

Jared: (also stopping in mid air) Air brakes! w00t!

James: How much longer is this stupidity going to go on?!!

[The two drop to the ground, slamming into each other's attacks again.
As a streak of lightning dashes across the tumultuous sky, they suddenly
dance away from one another and stand at a half-dozen paces distant. The
smaller Goon pauses to rip away the torn remains of his shirt. Giving
Andy the Bruce Lee stare, he yells the Bruce Lee yell.]

[Cue the slow motion.]

[Cue the kung-fu movie music.]

[Jared leaps at Andy, throwing a kick. Andy matches the move expertly,
and the two cross attacks in the air, their violent grace framed by
another expertly timed flash of lightning. They then pass one another,
and land the same distance apart.]

Jared: (slowly turning to face Andy) ...

Andy: (slowly turning to face Jared) ...

[Jared has a nasty gash across his cheek, and Andy's shirt is a hopeless
mass of rags tied about his torso. The kung-fu music rises and falls.]

Jared: ...

Andy: ...

James: Who is playing this music?

[With his face the very picture of slow-boiling fury, Andy tears away
the rags that used to be his shirt and hurls them to the ground.]

Jared: ...

Andy: ...

James: Oh, for the love of...

[Again, the two leap into the air, this time using exotic kung-fu flying
punches. Again, both cross in the air dramatically, again with the
lightning backdrop.]

Jared: ...

Andy: ...

James: (snorts) ...

Andy & Jared: SHUT UP!

[This time they turn to face one another looking absolutely murderous.
Their eyes are obscured by hard black shadows, their muscled forms now
in sharp relief thanks to additional dramatic lights set up just in
time. Fist of the North Star? Anyone?!]

Jared: ...

Andy: ...

Jared: ...

Andy: ...

[The slow motion abruptly ends.]

Jared: (powering up) WHOOOAAAA!!!

Andy: (powering up) HAAAAAAAA!!!

James: (deadpan) Yes. Woo.

[The two quickly transform, but don't regain their damaged clothing.
This is strange, since Jared's clothes change completely and he gains a
long sword in the process. Oh well. Each fighter now regards the other
patiently, calculating hundreds of possible attacks, formulating dozens
of strategies, getting pawed by a mob of screaming school girls that
come from out of nowhere, swarming the ultra-kawaii form of SCJ-Andy and
the ultra-bishonen SGJ-Jared.]

SCJ-Andy: (cutely indignant) Let go of me! I have an evil pervert to
kill and a world to rule with an iron fist! A tiny fist, perhaps, but
one still forged of iron!!!

SGJ-Jared: Lady, please do not touch me there. Fair maiden, don't touch
that. Please, allow us space. (slightly raising his voice) It is
dangerous for you all to be here, that it is! There is a fight in
progress!

[James is too busy laughing his ass off to provide any kind of
commentary.]

[The bravest warriors know when to cut and run. SGJ-Jared and SCJ-Andy
are usually dumb enough to overstay their welcome and try to take over
the world anyway, but this time they take the easy way out and make for
the hills, SCJ-Andy opting for a hilarious Tokyo shuffle exit and
SGJ-Jared achieving high speeds by executing a flawless samurai dash.]

[If only Japanese school girls didn't have the speed of a cheetah when
chasing down something "kawaii."]

[And since we're shooting for overkill here, cue the "Wild America"
theme for a quick slo-mo cut.]

SGJ-Jared: Faster, my honored, kawaii opponent, or they will surely
overtake us, that they will!

SCJ-Andy: (cutely panicked) De-transform, you idiot!!!

SGJ-Jared: (blinks) Good idea.

[He does so, then a crooked grin spreads across the normal Jared's face.
Still shirtless, he skids to halt, catching SCJ-Andy by the collar.]

SCJ-Andy: (cutely struggling) Unhand me, you monster!

[As the school girl tsunami bears down upon them, Jared brings SCJ-Andy
up to his face, the smirk turning into something decidedly nasty.]

Jared: You'll do.

[Before SCJ-Andy can protest more, Jared holds him like a shield as the
girls bear down on them, hands outstretched.]

Jared: (flawless Tony Montana) Say hello to my little friend!

[...]

James: That is _so_ wrong.

[Three blocks away, Jared hits the pavement face-first, bounces a few
times, then skids to a halt on his teeth.]

[A second later, Andy comes to a halt right next to him, his legs
sticking into the air like a deceased spider.]

Andy: < @_@ > ...

Jared: < @_@ > ...

Andy: < @_@ > ...

Jared: < @_@ > ... (muffled by pavement) Let's never do that again.

Andy: < @_@ > ... Agreed, Waddell. Agreed.

James: Great. Grand. We need you to fucking help out, now!

[Jared's on his feet in the blink of an eye, smoothing his perfect hair,
flashing a brilliant white smile and looking 100% recovered.]

Jared: < ^_^ > Ready?

[Andy also jumps to his feet, adjusts an imaginary tie as if he's not
aware of being shirtless, and hurls a chunk of concrete at Jared.
Jared deflects the projectile, then gives chase.]

Andy: Ha-HA! Let's see if you can keep up!

[Andy dashes away, Jared hot on his heels. The larger goon bounces off
of some debris and takes to the air, where Jared meets him. The two
exchange kicks not possible in any sort of reality outside of a
computer... and naturally at this point the frame rate starts to lag,
the two jerking through the air like puppets held by a drunk puppeteer.]

Andy: (words jerky along with movement) What... is... going... on?

Jared: (words jerky along with movement) I think... we... blew up...
too... much... stuff... The... overdraw... is killing... our...
frame rate!

Andy: (words jerky along with movement) Over... draw? Bah! ... MONO-...
CHROME MODE... GO!

[The scene instantly switches to washed out black and white. The frame
rate immediately smooths out and two continue kicking each others'
asses.]

[When they land, it is amidst a spray of blood. Jared ignores the mess
that used to be his nose, instead kicking Andy in the ribs hard enough
to elicit a snapping sound from the point of impact.]

[Andy counters instantly, his eyes almost not seeing Jared in his rage.
They battle back and forth for a few seconds before Andy gets a hold on
Jared's arm, folds it into a pain hold, and calmly pushes the limb past
its breaking point. Amazingly, Jared throws Andy into yet another
building, then slowly gets to his feet. Dirtying the street with his
blood, he begins stalking towards the building with a wild look in his
eyes. Now that he's not locked in mortal combat, we can see that his
pupils have expanded so that his eyes are almost monochromatic.]

Jared: (scary voice we've never heard before) Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

[Andy pops out of the wreckage from behind Jared. The shorter Goon
blocks with his bad arm--and watches it fail with another crunch. Jared
punches him square in the face with his good arm. Andy's counter is also
absent of style, as he kicks Jared in the gut. Then he goes in for the
kill, placing the palm of one hand against Jared's chin and cupping the
other around the back of his head. In response, Jared rams three fingers
into a rather large gash on Andy's arm, causing one hand to spasm open.]

[Smiling and revealing a few missing teeth, Jared hits Andy in the
groin. In retaliation, Andy belts him the mouth again, spraying yet more
blood on the debris scattered around him.]

[Then, finally, the two stop, obviously disoriented from the pain.]

Jared: (almost unintelligible) More tea, Susan?

Andy: Delighted.

[Jared rolls onto his back, and swings his legs up to meet Andy's face.
Held between them is a large kitchen sink that rings dully upon impact.]

Andy: (eyes looking in different directions) Ow.

----------

James (via comm.) Jared and Andy are... uh, they're indisposed.

John: They're not coming?

James: (via comm.) They're not coming.

John: Then we're out of options. Execute plan 44-Alpha.

[Without waiting for a word of confirmation, James acts. Through the
MAGI systems, he overrides the safeties on Unit-03, 01 and 07,
increasing the LCL pressure until the pilots are unconscious. Then he
shuts down every listening and recording device he can control. A
little-known weapon hidden in the city hums to life, causing a brief EMP
wave that temporarily disables anything he can't turn off remotely. And
lastly, at the heart of this hellish battlefield, before the 13th Angel,
his heart breaking and soul dying, John's ki raises a dust storm like
none seen before, to blot out any view of what happens next.]

[Then he removes his glasses.]

[And opens his eyes.]

[A few seconds later James quietly turns everything back on. Electronics
come back on-line throughout the city. And John's temporary sand storm
dissipates into nothingness.]

James: (over all comm. systems) Blue pattern clear. Standing down from
alert status. Contacting emergency personnel. Major, Doctor, Genoni,
have a nice day.

[Somewhere, a clown cries.]

----------

[Seconds before, while the sensors are still off...]

[Andy stumbles back from the sink strike, grabbing a bit of pipe
sticking out of the wreckage. The abused metal gives way and Andy
crashes to the ground with a length of the pipe in his hand. Jared gets
to his feet, legs shaky, only to have Andy belt him across the face with
the pipe.]

[From his new position on the ground, Jared waves one arm in the air
with a single finger extended. He might be pointing at Andy, he might be
drawing shapes in the air. It's impossible to tell.]

Jared: (virtually intelligible) Cheater!

[Andy's reply is to use the pipe like a baseball bat, and break Jared's
extended finger with a quick swing. Jared rolls away and gets to his
feet. Andy closes in, and Jared suddenly steps into his next attack and
smoothly disarms the Goon as if he hasn't been fighting for his life for
the past hour.]

Jared: ...

Andy: ...

[Andy looks at his empty hands, slightly confused, then grabs Jared's
head and slams it into a conveniently placed bit of concrete.]

Jared: ...

Andy: DIE!

[He grabs Jared's head and slams it into the concrete again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE!

[And again.]

Andy: DIE, you sick fuck!

[Andy pulls back, giving Jared one final, forceful smack, and drops the
remains to the ground. He pauses, regarding the blood-soaked concrete
thoughtfully.]

James: Well, I hope you're happy. The thirteenth Angel nearly killed
everybody--

Andy: < @_@ > Angel? We can't fight... during an Angel attack.

James: No shit, you--

Andy: < @_@ > Why didn't you... tell us?

James: ...

Andy: < @_@ > Oh well. Good bye, cruel world... I am... the strongest
of... all Saiyajins.

[Andy topples, pinning Jared's unconscious form to the ground with his
body.]

James: ... John is going to erase me.

[In the distance, a living shadow rises up for just a second, peaking
out of a cloud of dust, seen by no-one, and is suddenly gone.]

[With an almost imperceptible hum, much of the city's sensors finally
come back on-line, as the sounds of combat both near and far, cease.]


           --------------------------------------------------

                              TITLE FLASH:

                           Three Goons in Eva
                               Episode 9

                           What Plot hole? /
                        It came with the _____

           --------------------------------------------------


[Some hours later, at the sight of the finale to Jared and Andy's Stupid
Match of the Month. Jared, John, Rei, Andy, Toji, and Misato stand next
to a building spider-webbed with cracks. The city around them is all but
leveled. Andy and Jared, unsurprisingly, look like they've been through
a Hong Kong martial arts action movie. No one else is looking too
pleased with them.]

John: You know, this is exactly a situation that I didn't want to be in.
(glances at Misato) I remember telling you as much.

Misato: So do I. (to Jared) Well, what do you have to say for yourself?

Jared: The city is leveled, the Angel is dead, the Jet Alone MkII has
been demonstrated to be totally useless--

John: (interrupting) NERV is completely bankrupt and them some, scores
of thousands are dead, and YOU TWO are RESPONSIBLE!

Andy: But we aren't responsible, you always say--

[John back-hands Andy in the face. When the Goons merely staggers
instead of going down immediately, Jared taps a pressure point on his
neck and sends him into a deep sleep.]

Jared: Well, (yawns) That's it for me. I'm bushed. Time for bed.

[The pilots look at each other uncertainly, but John shares a knowing
glance with Misato, who grins evilly, and cracks her knuckles.]

----------

[Jared lays in the standard hospital bed, twitching in his full-body
cast which leaves him about as mobile as a rock. The room around him is
decorated to his tastes, a not-so-subtle testament to the frequency and
duration of his stays. Shag carpeting stretches from wall to wall, lava
lamps adorn the corners, a groovy stereo system hooked up a small disco
lighting setup helps the lighting of the room, which is also outfitted
with a pop machine, a condom dispenser, several mirrors, a few posters
of pin-up girls and the obligatory rack of machines that go 'Bing.']

Jared: (mumbling) How dare you turn against me, you son of a biscuit!
Ahh!!! Muffins! Muffins everywhere! (suddenly awake) Damn it... (looks
at the ceiling) Whew. Back in bed. Man, I hope this body cast will come
off soon...

[The door opens.]

Jared: (unable to move his head to see who has entered) Hello? Identify
yourself or die.

Rei: you haven't changed much.

Jared: (still staring at the Unfamiliar Ceiling) Rei. S'up?

Rei: your evangelion is uncomfortable to use.

Jared: You were in my Eva?

Rei: hai.

Jared: < o_0 > ...

Rei: ...

Jared: < o_0 > ...

Rei: ...

Jared: < o_0; > ...

Rei: ...

Jared: < o_0; > ...

Rei: ...

Jared: < o_0; > ...

Rei: ...

Jared: < o_0; > ...

Rei: ...

Jared: < o_0;;; > Why?

Rei: (smirking) well, now i know you.

[Rei dips her fingers into Jared's glass of water, and with a flick of
her wrist, deposits several tiny drops on Jared's exposed forehead.
Following this, she quickly and quietly vacates the room.]

[Jared lays there in confusion for a moment, puzzled at both Rei's words
and throwing water on his forehead. After a few seconds, the meaning of
her words become clear, and the Goon smiles. Then the water begins to
tickle. He tries to rub it away, but is restrained by the body cast.]

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

[There is much thrashing around, which only spreads the water, and its
effects.]

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

[Jared begins to shake.]

Jared: ( >_< ) ...

Jared: ( >_< ) ...

Jared: ( >_< ) FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!

[The screaming stops several hours later, when Jared's vocal cords give
out.]

----------

         [Public Service Announcement 6: Thrilling Conclusion!]

[Author-John and Author-Andy stand over a desecrated corpse, which still
grasps a handful of charred pages to some long-lost story. The pair
looks rather combat-weary and wear solemn faces. Author-John looks
towards the camera.]

Author-John: (to Andy) Is that thing still on?

[Author-Andy walks behind the camera. With an audible 'click' the image
fades to static.]

----------

[A week later, in the Goons' apartment. The low angle of the evening sun
casts sallow shadows and illuminates the living room in a warm yellow
hue. Through the windows, one can see a thoroughly destroyed city and
the very beginnings of reconstruction. The Goons sit around a new coffee
table, sipping some Dew. Jared and Andy are still in some bandages, and
Jared is already beginning to recover his voice.]

John: I'm appalled. There I was, fighting for my life and freedom out
there, single-handedly killing alien invaders bent on our total
destruction, and _you_two_ were having a jolly old roll in the hay!

Jared: I think you're mixing metaphors...or insulting us more than
necessary...again.

John: Hang your feelings!

Jared: < ^_^ > Ask who won.

John: (snaps) That's hardly relevant. Things are so far off track, I
don't know where to begin.

Andy: < ^_^ > Just ask.

John: No! We need to at least figure out where this is story is headed.
If we can't, it's curtains for sure! That Jet Alone was programmed with
some insanely skilled combat AI, and the Angel took it over like it was
second nature. If the mass production units have that kind of capacity
for fighting unarmed, we're dead meat. That means, at the very least,
some _serious_ training.

Jared: < ^_^ > Ask, dude.

John: Never! Now, I wonder what the chances are of SEELE programming the
Mass-Production--

Andy: < ^_^ > I won!

John: I DON'T CARE! Mucha, they day I--

Shinji: Hi. The door was unlocked.

[Six eyes swivel to take in the Eva pilot, and do a double-take. Shinji,
or at least someone with Shinji's voice and general build, is standing
in the entrance dressed like a hockey goalie.]

John: What's with the protection, Ace?

Shinji: (bluntly) Well, I've been getting head in here when I come--

[Andy slams his hands over his ears and begins humming to himself
loudly.]

John: EXCUSE ME?

Jared: (grinning like an idiot) No, let him continue.

Shinji: ( >_< ) Let me try that again. (sighs) I've been getting hit in
the head when I come near here lately, so the protection is to keep me
safe from you three.

All Three Goons: < o_o;;; > ...

Shinji: Because I need to ask you guys a few questions about...well,
everything.

Jared: Forty-two?

Andy: For--DAMN YOUR SPEEDY LIPS, WADDELL!

Jared: (evil grin) You should see their super ultrasonic orgasm powers.

John: (warning; to Andy & Jared) Guys. (to Shinji) Come in Ace, I might
as well explain this to you too.

Shinji: Really? You will?

John: Why not? Most of it involves you.

[Shinji looks a little pale under his mask, but enters the room with a
determined look on his face.]

========================================================================

[Closing Song: "Parade" by Garbage.]

[The song opens with some light guitar strumming. Black screen.]

                             PRIMARY WRITER

                             Jared Waddell

[Fade in the Three Goons apartment, where Jared is rummaging through the
'fridge.]

                            SECONDARY WRITER

                               John Genoni

[Turn one hundred and eighty degrees to see John sitting at the kitchen
counter, eating cereal. It's worth noting that the sun is setting, which
can be seen through the balcony doors.]

                             TETRIARY WRITER

                                Andy Mucha

[Andy strolls into frame and starts yelling at Jared. Fortunately, the
only audio is the closing music.]

[When the full rock beat kicks in, we see Unit-01 battling the 3rd
Angel. It's totally kicking ass with wild Bruce Lee style moves. Hover
gunships fly around the battle while 01 wails on the invader. Finally,
the Angel hits the ground hard and _very_ slowly tries to get back up.
Fade into the cockpit as the brief vocal solo plays. Hey, it's Jared!
Piloting Unit-01! He's talking rapidly to someone over the comm unit and
smirking dangerously.]

[Cut to Rei and Shinji in school. Asuka is nowhere to be seen.]

Lyrics: Let's burn the factories /
        That makes all the wanna be's

                            ORIGINAL SERIES

                        Neon Genesis Evangelion

[The chalkboard has the words "GREAT TEACHER WADDELL" written across it
in English characters. The pervert himself is reading some Shakespeare
with entirely too much enthusiasm for this time of the morning. Andy
bursts through the door holding two action figures. One is Unit-01, the
other is the 3rd Angel. He leaps onto Jared's desk and starts playing
with them, re-enacting the earlier battle. From the amount of spittle
flying from his mouth, he's making all of the sound effects too.]

Lyrics: Let's burst all the bubbles /
        That brain wash the masses

                                EDITOR

                             Jared Waddell

[Andy, piloting the re-built Unit-00, fires off a ki-blast inside the
test chamber. While Shinji looks on in awe and John and Jared shake
their heads sadly, the rest of NERV goes into total panic.]

[Cut to big pink 4th Angel. Unit-01 is throwing a tank at the monster.
As the tank flies through the air, the hatch pops open and a confused
Andy sticks his head out to look around.]

[Impact.]

Lyrics: As far as I can tell, it doesn't matter who you are /
        If you can believe there's something worth fighting for

                             FACT CHECKER

                             Jared Waddell

[Unit-01 slams into a hill, the impact shaking trees a mile away. Toji
and Kensuke are on the ground, frozen in shock, the fingers of Unit-01
splayed around them like fallen logs. Unit-01 looks up to see a JSSDF
tilt-rotor aircraft hovering over the boys. A cable with harnesses
lowers from the aircraft. Unit-01 gets to it's feet and meets the charge
of the 4th Angel. While John, inside the tilt-rotor, lifts the school
boys to safety.]

Lyrics: The color of the night; the glory of the sight of you /
        Baby in your rhymes a smile always shoots the truth

                            GRAMMAR CHECKER

                              John Genoni

[Cut to the 5th Angel charging up its beam weapon. Jared stands on a
nearby bridge holding a twin-neck Fender guitar in his hands. He is
glowing red. When the particle beam fires, he swings the guitar like a
baseball bat, deflecting the beam into the sky. Of course, in that
direction, Andy has rigged up a massive catapult that flings a bicycle
into the air, where it is vaporized by the beam of energy.]

Lyrics: Believing in nothing /
        Makes ya so boring

                            PESTERING PETER

                              John Genoni

[A hundred tons of steel slams into the walkway over the Bakelite
surrounding Unit-01. John is covering a heavily bandaged Rei from harm.
Seeing that John's body isn't even going to slow down the crushing
metal, Jared body-slams him, Rei, and the wheeled bed Rei is on out of
the way before diving off the catwalk. Unit-01's hand comes up to cover
Shinji, but to the side, quite unprotected, stands Andy. He is in the
DBZ power-up stance and looking almost hopefully up at the approaching
steel...]

Lyrics: So let's pray for something /
        To feel good in the morning

                            INSANITY CHECKER

                              Andy Mucha

[The Three Goons are walking down a Tokyo-3 sidewalk with Shinji, Toji,
and Kensuke, who are trying to look like they're in a different country
than the three Americans. The Americans, it must be noted, are acting
out several notorious Three Stooges scenes with frighteningly accurate
timing.]

Lyrics: As far as I can tell, it doesn't matter who you are /
        If you can believe there's something worth fighting for

                            COMPUTER SYSTEMS

                               Cycanthus

                                 Bogus

                                Lazarus

[Andy stands on a stage dressed in a tuxedo with long coat tails. The
spot light is all on him as he performs several amazing magical tricks.
Then when he starts sawing Asuka in half, there is clapping from the
audience before Jared tackles the cheering John.]

[Cut immediately to a nicely decorated Chinese restaurant. Andy and John
hang their heads in shame as Jared, dressed like a ninja, dances from
table to table avoiding a group of bumbling police officers. Misato and
Ritsuko slurp up some ramen in the background.]

Lyrics: The color of the night; the glory of the sight of you /
        Baby in your rhymes a smile always shoots the truth

                            TRANSPORTATION

                              '65 Nova
                             '89 Accord

[John floating above the ruins of Tokyo-3. The sky is blood red, and
John's eyes are evil purple. Tabris, the 17th Angel, floats before him.
The two share glares of pure murder while lightning leaps from tattered
earth to torn sky.]

[The closing song goes into a brief instrumental, while a montage of
shots flash by showing Unit-03 tearing through the Mass Production Evas.
The last image freezes for a second, of Unit-03 covered in the blood of
its enemies, head bowed, a long katana held tightly in one armored
fist.]

[The final scene of the instrument section is the blood red sky again,
this time framed by a row of Evas (Units 01, 02, 05 and 03), which
charge up Kamehameha wave to destroy some off-camera foe.]

Lyrics: Oh doctor we're dying /
        There's no use in crying

                            SUPPORT SYSTEM

                            Small Children
                             Hard Alcohol

[James, in forbidden human form, is wearing combat gear suited to
Vietnam, complete with a large cigar clenched in tabacco-stained teeth.
In the background, a group of Evas hastily painted jungle camouflage,
work their way through a sophisticated "gun-kata" straight out of
"Equilibrium."]

Lyrics: So live for tomorrow /
        And do what you have to

                          ADDITIONAL JOKES BY

                              John Genoni
                           Charmane Waddell

[A large space ship lands behind John. The man is smiling, wearing a
tuxedo, holding a remote control in one hand and a glass of champagne in
the other.]

Lyrics: As far as I can tell, it doesn't matter who you are /
        If you can believe there's something worth fighting for

                           CHAOS CAUSED BY

                            Work schedule

[Jared standing in the middle of a rice field. Dead and bloodied bodies
are piled in the field right up to his shins. He's dressed just like
Kenshin and even holds a katana. He looks a little shell shocked.]

Lyrics: The color of the night; the glory of the sight of you /
        Baby in your rhymes a smile always shoots the truth

                          THE WEATHER OUTSIDE

                         54 degrees and cloudy

[Misato sitting the couch drinking beer. American McGee's Asuka,
Colonial Space Marine John, Xenomorphic Jared, and Predator Andy jump
out from behind the couch shouting "boo!" That's the last anyone sees of
them until Christmas.]

Lyrics: Oh let's pray /
        for something

                           ANNOYING NEIGHBOR

                   Well, I can't remember his name...

[The Goons and Eva pilots are in various combat drills. Some are
storming human-sized cardboard Angel targets, others are charging
through obstacle courses, yet others fire odd weapons normally designed
to work with an Eva. Presently unused are a variety of martial arts
training equipment.]

Lyrics: to feel good /
        in the morning

                           SPECIAL THANKS TO

                                 Family
                                Friends
                           Belly button lint
                                ~ and ~
                 The urge to bore the audience to death

[The Goons are cruising in Jared's car. All are wearing sunglasses. The
closing song is now playing on the car's stereo. All three are lounging
in their seats without a care in the world. As the song's closing begins
to fade, the sound of the Chevelle's engine grows louder. Jared lays on
a little gas and pulls away from the camera, into the sunset.]

[Fade to black.]

----------
Cost of Closing Sequence: 27,350,000 Yen.
----------

========================================================================

Episode 10 Preview:

[A drawing of the 3rd Angel, done in crayon by a five-year-old, is the
only visual.]

Author-Jared: In the next episode of Three Goons in Eva! The world is
minutes away from ending? Can the super N^5 bomb be stopped by the
half-clone, half-cheese, AI-powered warrior who's been locked inside a
plate of lasagna for two years?! And what about the evil mad scientist,
Ritsuko Akagi, dead for four years, suddenly returning to kill our
heroes? Who is the mysterious man in the yellow jumpsuit with the "SD"
logo on his chest and what did Jared do with that 6" tall Incan mecha?!!

Author-John: Do we even _have_ a plot for the next episode?

Author-Jared: Plot? What plot?! This is classic Getter Robo material!
It's dancing arcade Evangelion action when the Mystic Seven dance team
from Furinkin high lays down a challenge to Asuka's long dead,
half-sister, who was revealed to be an Angel in disguise!

Author-Andy: (writing frantically) Hey! That was never in Eva!!!

Author-Jared: (nearly spastic) And what of the 27 Angels surrounding
NERV in attack formation?! And the Mexican gunslinger known only as
SEELE, WHERE DOES HE FIT IN?!!!

Author-John: What are you babbling about, there was only 17 in Eva!
Where did you get the other ten from?!

Author-Jared: And let's not forget Misato, stuck in the freezer! Will
she ever be rescued? Will the webcams stop fogging up? And where is my
Ritalin?! All, in the next episode of--

Author-John: You, in the hospital.

Author-Andy: Something he can't even remember.

Author-Jared: --THREE...GOONS...IN...EEEEEEEEEVAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Author-John: (disclaimer voice) This time with more Dew. Much more.
(pause) That's IT?! That's the fucking disclaimer?!!

Author-Jared: CUE THE MUSIC!!!

Author-Andy: What music?! We already did the music!!!

[Sound of metal hitting flesh.]

Author-John: It is done.

========================================================================

Author's Notes:

I hope you enjoyed the all-new expanded edition of episode 9. It was a
blast to write, insane at times, and I think I've abused the English
language enough for now. Questions about the plot? Don't worry, John
will take a wild stab at answering some of them in the next episode. Ja
ne!

========================================================================

                [Epilogue 1: Deus Ex Something or Other]

[Open next to a lake, at a location not unlike the opening to the second
prologue. This time Kaji sits on the porch of a house. The house isn't
here anymore, so it's more like an awkward bench than a porch, really. A
large black car with no plates comes to a silent stop before the agent,
and one of the darkened windows rolls down a few inches.]

Kaji: The chip's been contaminated by the JA-47 component... I've got
proof of interference with Evangelion Unit-08's construction materials
too.

Voice: (from inside the car) Your report recommends we leave the item
where it is.

Kaji: It's serving a purpose. It's not perfect, but how could we expect
it to be?

Voice: Do you think the component can succeed?

Kaji: The targets... have heart.

Voice: (after musing this over for a minute) Agent X-453, thank you for
you work. You'll be happy to hear the dissenting faction has been
silenced.

Kaji: Silenced?

----------

[A half-world away, an old man, portly about the waist and thin about
the hair line, is dragged out of a back-door to an insanely expensive
hotel. Cold iron is put to the back of his head, and a very ugly mess is
the result.]

----------

[Back in Japan...]

Voice: Silenced.

Kaji: That does make me happy.

[The window closes. The car pulls away. Kaji lights another cigarette.]

Kaji: That makes me very happy.

[He smiles and begins walking away from the lake with his usual
swagger.]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

                       [Epilogue 2: The Reason.]

[Andy and Jared sit in their apartment, on floor, watching the sun set,
and enjoying a companionable silence while the rest of Tokyo-3 is
enjoying a lack of building-leveling hand-to-hand fights.]

Andy: Training's going good.

Jared: Yep.

Andy: Quiet too.

Jared: Yeah, since you killed all those cicadas... (gets a funny look on
his face that we've never seen before, almost like he's thinking)

Andy: And John's brain is barely holding together. And NERV is broke.
Damn, I hate being the Responsible--

Jared: (gasps loudly) That means this is all _your_ fault!

Andy: What?

Jared: (points accusing at Andy) The cicadas!

Andy: Huh? How was getting rid of them a problem?

Jared: < 0_0 > They're a vital part of the anime ecosystem. Dude, you
can't just go flapping your butterfly wings in Peking, you'll ruin the
turkey!

Andy: < o_o > I'm not even going to pretend that made sense.

                               [The End!]

----------

Started... who the hell knows. Back when 7 was still being written?
That's like, 2002!

1st Draft, Edited version. 06/20/2005
1st Revision, Edited version. 07/08/2005
2nd Revision, Edited version. 07/27/2005
3rd Revision, Edited version. 08/08/2005
4th Revision, Edited version. 10/06/2005
5th Revision, Edited version. 10/08/2005 FINALLY POSTED
6th Revision, Full version. 11/15/2005
7th Revision, Full version. 10/31/2006 READY FOR POSTING