DISCLAIMER: Neon Genesis: Evangelion (NG:E or just Eva for short) was
around before we came up with his crazy idea to write this work of
self-insertion fan-fiction. As was the Dragon Ball series and the
techniques used therein. But we our ourselves, or at least how like to
view ourselves when granted powers above and beyond the capabilities of
normal authors. Jared's star character is his, I can't tell you who or
it would spoil it. We are not in any way associated with the marketing
department for PepsiCo, Inc. And just about all of the rest of this is
based on someone else's work. Matrix, Star Wars, Die Hard, The Lord of
the Rings, Penny Arcade, Pulp Fiction, and plenty others will be
parodied and/or used as stock footage. THIS HAS, IS, AND WILL CONTINUE
TO BE A PARODY OF UNGODLY PROPORTIONS!

WARNING: It's confession time.... Despite the fact that we're at our
seventh episode right now, it has been well over two years since we last
saw NG:E. (hangs head in shame) But let's not focus on the negative
here, people. By now, you should know what's coming in the way of
situations, language, and levels of wai wai violence. 

WARNING 2 RETURN OF THE CAUTION: There's plenty of fan-service to make
up for the size of this episode. The <bleep!>s are also absent in this
episode, so there is harsh language. Situations unsuitable for young
children are present in terms of content and violence levels. But the
way I figure it, ages 15-25 are reading this so it's not the worst stuff
you'll find on the 'Net.

DANGER: Author Jared and Author John are in a contest to see who can
create the biggest episode. Not only that, but because Jared is the
editor, John is trying to make his episodes so large Jared couldn't mess
with it. This one-upmanship is getting out of hand, so bear with us
until it gets out of their system, or they create an episode so large it
collapses under it's own weight and creates a black hole and takes one
of those idiots with it......... We hope.

WARNING 3 THE DANGER CONTINUES: This work is so long that it's first
posting will be in multi-part format. To clarify, chapter 7 will be
posted in sections for your reading convenience. Once all parts are
posted, a single text file containing this whole 400+ kb monster will be
available for download as well. Please make sure you get all the way to
the epilogue before skipping ahead to Episode 8 or you will be REALLY
confused.

NOTE: This is a Tag Team Self Insertion Fan Fiction Project. What this
means is that while it is officially one author's turn (different from
the episodes before and after) scenes may be written by the rest of the
our triad collective. So while it's John's turn, expect contributions
from Jared and Andy.

ALSO: This takes place in an anime (Japan), so technically everyone is
speaking Japanese, unless otherwise noted. But for the sake of some of
the jokes in here, everyone is actually speaking English. Confused yet?.
Rei's soft voice is symbolized by lower-case sentences (I forget who
first started this, but it's a damn good way to portray her character).
Rei's Eva is Unit-00' ("zero prime"); a ' is added when a significant
change is made to the design. Unit-00's case, when the 5th Angel blasted
it, it was not only given a new paint job, but upgraded to be more
combat worthy as well, warranting a "prime" designation.

--------------

[A golden oval, reminiscent of the MGM opener, fades into view. Above it
is IPIPIP, beneath the circle is the definition of the acronym.
"Insanely Produced by Insane People at Insanity Productions. Insanity
Productions motto of the month, "Rabidus Gratia Insania" (Crazy for the
sake of Insanity), is just above the circle. None of that really matters
because inside the golden circle, a halo if you will, is Rei. She's
dressed in a leopard-print cat-suit with a long spotted tail. She has a
cat-ear headband on with fuzzy cat paw mittens and whiskers painted on
her face. She licks one paw and brushes her hair back.]


                                IPIPIP

                                GRATIA

                      RABIDUS   -------   INSANIA
                               /       \
                              /  Neko   \
                             |   Rei     |
                             |           |
                             | (use your |
                             |  imagin-  |
                             |   ation)  |
                              \         /
   ,---___         ___         \       /         ___         ___---.
  '       ---___---   ---___    -------    ___---   ---___---       '

       Insanely Produced by Insane People at Insanity Productions


Neko-Rei: miao. miao. (purrs)

[The screen reluctantly fades out...]

Jared: (off-screen) We did NOT agree on that intro, John!

John: (off-screen) So what? I'm writing this.

Andy: (leaping from somewhere off-screen at John) KYAI!!!!

[Thunk.]

Andy: I'll handle the intro, weakling!

[The same circle fades in with the same lettering. This time, Unit-01's
trademark head bursts through the oval and bellows out an unearthly
howl. The Eva then goes berserk, ripping apart the scene until it
notices the screen. It growls menacingly then leaps at the audience.]

Jared: < -_- > Well, now you've scared the children. I think I liked
John's intro better.

Andy: (mo-men-tum) No children, no limits! BWAHAHAHAHA!

           --------------------------------------------------

                              TITLE FLASH:

                           Three Goons in Eva
                               Episode 7

                      Rebirth of a Fallen Angel /
                       "Yes, Ellen, there are..."

           --------------------------------------------------


[Japan's geographical position lends it a climate similar to that of the
Atlantic seaboard of the United States. The weather in the northern-most
areas are similar to that in Maine and New England. Likewise, the lower
locales are akin to the Carolinas and Florida. This is not so different
in post-impact Japan. The only curiosity is that both locations after
Second Impact experience a summer-type climate year-round. Even fifteen
years after the horrible event, the Japanese are still adjusting to the
new weather patterns. There is first the temperature, ranging from the
moderate 70's to burning 100's depending on the "season." The sudden
rainstorms that come and go with the constant and dramatic breezes are
not entirely new to the island nation, but few are accustomed to their
increased frequency. Mount Fuji is slowly, yet steadily, losing its
famous snowcap despite efforts to import snow from Tibet; and children
miss that bane of drivers, but miracle of school delays, snow. Then
there are the cicadas....]

Andy: (grumbling, half-asleep) Lousy stupid bugs. Fucking year round
mating season for those damned insects. (opens the balcony window, and
in a booming voice yells) SILENCE LOWLY CREATURES!! FOR THE TIME TO
SCREW HAS PASSED AND THE TIME TO SLEEP HAS COME!!

[And lo, a hush descends upon the fair city/fortress... for about two
seconds. Then, with renewed vigor, the grasshopper-like creatures turn
up the proverbial volume.]

Andy: (eyebrow twitching) I hate those things.

[The normally violent Goon closes the glass door to that hated "outside"
place, and shuffles back to his room. At the same time Andy's door
closes, the bookcase hiding the three's laboratory slides open to allow
Jared out. He prances about like a giddy schoolgirl on acid in a field
of daisies.]

Jared: (shoutin' out to the world) It is done! It is FINALLY done!!!
YEARS I've slaved away and AT LAST MY MASTERPIECE IS COMPLETE!!!

[Needless to say, a lot of people don't share Jared's enthusiasm or
energy at two in the morning.]

The Front Door: BAMBAMBAMBAM!!!

[As Jared skips merrily to the entrance, both John and Andy open their
own doors. Armed with 2x4's the pair stalk their comrade as he opens the
portal, revealing Asuka. Realizing that Asuka would do more to their
"comrade" than they are willing to bother with, they turn away, leaving
Jared to his fate.]

Jared: My Darling! (hugs Asuka, then gives her a big kiss) I'm finally
done! My cathexis is no more! I am FREE!

[Jared waits for a response from his red-haired goddess, grinning like
an idiot, but none is forthcoming. Asuka is now frozen in place and
appears catatonic. At this, Jared frowns, but his short attention span
and desire to share his accomplishment with others makes him turn,
leaving the door to close automatically and lock the Second Child
outside.]

[Jared bounds towards his roommates with all the happiness of a month-
old Labrador and is not even fazed by the requisite dual 2x4 attack.]

Jared: (Dramatic Pose with matching Dramatic Voice) My friends! For five
long years you have been there to support me whilst I toiled seemingly
futilely. But just moments ago, my epic masterpiece was finished and
saved without a hitch. As we speak, it is uploading onto the Internet
through the wireless connection Rit-chan so graciously provided with my
Mini-MAGI prototype.

Misato: (behind the front door) Asuka! Snap out of it, girl! What
happened?!

John: < -_- > If you're lying, I'm going to kill you. I don't take lies
very well at this hour.

Jared: < ^_^ > Go to the lab and look for yourself! (Sighs happily as
John disappears into the lab) Sex with Misato couldn't make me feel this
good!

Andy: < ._. > Sidestep? You actually finished it?

Jared: Indeed.

Andy: In such a short amount of time though?

[Author: Convenient plot device, now I don't wanna hear any more!]

Jared: I was inspired, then it just wrote itself.

[John returns far too early to have read even the title page, pale
beyond any living creature.]

Jared: (misinterpreting completely) Stunned at its beauty? It's
flawless! No spelling errors, the MAGI themselves proofread it for me!
I think--GRK!

John: (hands firmly enclosed around Jared's throat) < -_- > You will
blink once for yes, twice for no. Sidestep was completed, correct?

[Blink.]

John: Next question, an advanced decryption chip can do much more than
what you told us, can it not?

[Blink.]

John: For example, it could be used as the foundation of an AI system,
right?

[Blink.]

John: All that would be needed for said system to be operational is a
detailed set of guidelines and enough processing power.

[Blink.]

Andy: What's going on?

John: Go look in the lab... go armed. Continuing.... (offended tone) Are
you blacking out on me?

[Blink.]

John: Then one last question before you die. Why is there a button
coated in hazard yellow and black right next to the "save" button?

[Jared's eyes bug out even more as he realizes what John is implying.
Andy comes back shaking in fear and demands that John release Jared.]

Andy: He should at least see what evil he has done before we kill him.
It's only fair.

[Reluctantly, John lets go of Jared and drags the gasping American into
the Laboratory.]

----------

[Later in the morning, but not much later...]

[The three Goons are sitting around the kitchen table. Jared is alive
and breathing, which is a good sign, but the others take turns reminding
him that he's on borrowed time every five minutes. At the center of the
table is the prototype Mini-MAGI. Jared is tinkering with the back of
the device with a soldering pencil. There are arcane drawings around the
device; knowledgeable passersby (though who would pass by an apartment
kitchen seven floors up and at 2:30 in the morning is beyond me) would
recognize it to be a containment spell for sealing summoned demons.
There's even an ofuda stuck to the band of the watch-like super
computer. Finally, Jared finishes and carefully sets the device down.]

Jared: There. I've completely disabled the wireless interface modem.
It's trapped.

Andy: Unless it has escaped already.

John: (to Jared) < -_- > You had better hope that it was too disoriented
from its birth to know how to escape.

Jared: (grumpy voice) Look, you can kill me now or you can shut the hell
up! I didn't mean for this to happen!

Andy: Keep telling yourself that, then explain why the hazard button was
on the keyboard.

Jared: That was all Microsoft's fault.

John: That's your excuse for everything! I say we burn it.

Andy: Smash it to pieces!

Jared: Guys... let's try to be a little less liberal here. We've done
something unprecedented.

John: You guys did something unprecedented last week, I'd say you've
done enough for now.

Andy: (posing dramatically) NEVER!! For the envelope must be pushed
farther every day!!

Jared: See?

John: Stop right there. Let's look at the facts. Your epic action-
saturated masterpiece, Sidestep, spawned an Artificial Intelligence in a
top-secret super-chip. In all likelihood, one of your characters from
that God-forsaken story has come to life.

Jared: And you want to kill it!

John: Let me rephrase that. Someone who almost single-handedly, and
_successfully_ fought World War III now controls a chip capable of
starting World War IV.

Jared: (buying time) Yeah, but who?

Andy: Does it have voice software? Do you recognize the voice?

John: Andy, I'm not going to hit you this time, but how do you recognize
a voice from TEXT?!!

Andy: Oh.

Jared: (glancing at the code scrolling in the holo-screen hovering above
the watch) Well, it's creating its own voice software right now. It'll
be able to identify itself soon enough.

Andy: If it can program computers then that narrows it down to Dave,
Lisa, or... Him.

John: This isn't good.

Jared: If it's Him we're in deep shit.

Andy: I know, I wish it was Ed.

John: (realization hits) No! You fool! IT CAN PROGRAM ON ITS OWN?!
That's like giving a man the power of God! You don't give creations the
power of the creator! It's the biggest mistake in the world. That's how
Terminator and all of the other Robots-take-over-the-world movies got
started! That's the reason there are all those crappy fanfics out there!

[Author: Hey!]

[A lone ceiling tile falls on the youngest Goon's head.]

Jared: But it's trapped in there, John. It can't do anything.

John: (suggesting urgently) It could sweet talk its way to its goals!

Jared: < o_0 > Ok, you're officially paranoid.

Mini-MAGI: That's much better.

[All immediately gasp and withdraw to under the table.]

Mini-MAGI: Hello? (singsong voice) I know there are people out there; I
can hear you breathing.

John: It can't see us?

Jared: The visual sensor is limited to the holographic keyboard, most of
the input for this model was supposed to be vocal.

Andy: So he's blind, but not deaf.

John: And now, not dumb.

Jared: (rising slowly) This is ridiculous, we're hiding from a watch.

[Oh, the irony....]

Jared: It can't move, it can't upload into anything dangerous, it can
only talk.

Mini-MAGI: I can also listen. Identify yourself.

Andy: (rising quickly) We'll ask the questions around here, and for
starters, identify _your_ self.

Mini-MAGI: James Rahn.

John & Andy: AAHH!!! KILL IT! BURN IT!

James: I get that a lot. Now, who are you?

Jared: (Dramatic Voice) We are but three souls caught in the Winds of
Fate.

James: Cut the crap, I gave you my name.

Jared: I'm Jared Waddell.

James: And the other two?

John: I'm John Genoni.

Andy: Andy Mucha.

James: Well, now it's your turn.

Jared: Actually, that's all I was wondering for now.

James: Then I'll ask the questions. Why can't I see anything?

Jared: I explained that already, didn't you hear?

James: It didn't make any sense. Start talkin'.

Jared: Well, James, here's the truth of the world as far as you're
concerned. I created you five years ago in my high school's cafeteria.
You are the main character in a book I call "Sidestep." I finished
writing said book not long ago, and due to unexplained circumstances,
you were created in a downloading mishap. The short story is you're now
a computer AI built into a watch.

James: I'm a fictional character... in an AI system... in a watch.

John: Oh, and we're in Neon Genesis Evangelion.

James: Neon what?

Andy: It's an anime. You know, Japanese cartoons. Big robots, evil
conspiracies, spineless pilots. We call it 'Eva' for short.

[John and Jared glare tiredly at Andy.]

James: So I'm a fictional character, in a computer, in an anime.

John: (holding his forehead in his hand) Basically, yeah.

James: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

John: We're not from Eva either. We're from something we like to call
the "real world."

[That's funny, but it shouldn't be.]

James: So... how did you boys get into 'Eva'?

Jared: Cruelty of the Fates, we've been trying to figure it out.

Andy: But we have been able to perform many anime-fu techniques, Dragon
Ball Z ki attacks, Ranma 1/2 Hammerspace, heh, John even became super-
deformed a few weeks ago.

James: Fanboys, I was created by fanboys....

Jared: I'd take insult, but I've been up all night, and we have to be at
work in a little while.

John: I'm not gonna get back to sleep after this. I'll just head on over
to NERV and punch in early.

Andy: I... think I'll keep an eye on James.

[The other two pause, eyeing Andy warily, but lack of sleep and a strong
case of "I don't wanna deal with this" cause them to nod and go their
separate ways.]

Andy: So....

James: So....

Andy: < ^_^ > Let's talk mecha....

----------

[NERV, the Goons Office, late morning.]

[John is asleep at his desk draped over the notebook ominously labeled,
"The Angel Compatibility Project." Andy enters loudly from the
ventilation grate above his desk. He lands perfectly for a change.]

Andy: (victory pose) Yes! I give you 'The Perfect Dismount!'

[Ignoring any possible response (the stirring Goon), he reaches back
into the vent. After a moment of struggling with something inside, Andy
drags a large burlap sack from the darkness and carefully sets it down.
The contents are oddly shaped, but much bigger than a breadbox. After
patting the sack for a moment, apparently to ensure its contents have
not been terminally damaged, Andy sets it on the guest couch near the
door.]

[John, fully awake by now but not in the most pleasant of moods, has
decided to forego the glare and just keep his Evil Eye trained on Andy.]

John: < o_o > Do I want to know?

Andy: They found Shinji on the train this morning, (pulls away the sack
and gestures like a magician) like _this_.

[Shinji is in his hunched over train seat pose of _deep_ introspection.
Andy snaps his fingers in front of the boy a couple times to show he's a
vegetable.]

Andy: Anyway, I--

[Jared interrupts Andy's explanation as he opens the office door and
drags in Asuka. Unlike the hyper-depressed Shinji, Asuka is catatonic.
She's stiff as a board and is wearing a look of abject shock on her
face. Jared leans her against the couch. Now both Jared and Andy are
looking at John.]

John: What?

Jared & Andy: Fix her/him.

John: Excuse me? These aren't exactly mechanical constructs here,
they're very troubled youth. (pointing accusingly) And you, Jared, are
the one that broke Asuka.

Jared: Which means that she won't listen to me. Look, we'll trade
students while you're working.

Andy: < ^_^ > I can train Rei for you!

[A hearty laugh is shared by all.]

Andy: (pouting) I'm serious. I'll take Rei and give her some _real_
training, while Jared trains Toji. Then it's a fair trade.

John: Leaving me, once again, with the damaged goods.

Jared: < -_- > Quit bitching, it's getting annoying. (turns and leaves)

John: (looks to Andy, but finding only his shoes slipping out of view
from the vent) This sucks. I don't even know when we got a couch.

[The youngest Goon looks at Shinji, and then at Asuka. Neither of them
are really moving, so his gaze drifts down to the notebook. After a
moment he opens it up and starts penciling in more notes and diagrams.]

[An hour later.]

[John rubs his eyes and looks across the room at Asuka and Shinji, Asuka
has loosened up enough to actually sit down on the couch, while Shinji
is still out of it. Closing the notebook, John rolls his chair over to
the pair. Grabbing Shinji, he picks him up and carries him out of the
office, across the hall, and into a janitor's closet. Propping Shinji up
with some brooms, John closes the door and returns to the office.]

John: (sitting in his chair across from Asuka) If it's that bad,
Second Child, I can leave you naked in a bathtub on the other side of
town.

[This seems to snap her out of her starchy state, as she blinks and
relaxes her muscles more.]

Asuka: (dry voice) What did you say?

John: (fetching some water from the standard office cooler) I said that
if you want to be left alone in Old Tokyo naked in a bathtub, I can
arrange for it easily.

Asuka: (leaping from the couch with a Righteous Fury Punch) HENTAI!

[Asuka's aim is true and she nails John's undefended head with so much
force it explodes in a gooey mess. One down, two to go.]

[Back in reality, her fist stops well short of John's face as if driven
into a board, and is then pushed to the side by unseen forces. A second
attempt nets the same results, and after several tries with the coat
rack, she confirms that her hand isn't the only thing affected by this
strange force.]

Asuka: (frustrated) RRRRRRAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!

John: (with a straight face) Are you done?

Asuka: (panting heavily) Is that a ki shield?

John: < ^_^ > Very good, Ms. Langley.

Asuka: Why didn't my Righteous Fury Punch (under her breath) as the
pervert is so fond of calling it (continuing) make it through?

John: Well, first off, you've been catatonic since about three in the
morning. Keeping rigid that long burned away most of your energy and
made your muscles sore. Your basic strength is severely weakened right
now.

[Asuka's eyes narrow at John, he is right, but she's not sure that he
won't try to take advantage of her.]

John: Relax, I'm no threat to your chastity. Secondly, the simple
fundamentals of ki shields protected me.

Asuka: (coldly) I'm listening, Worm.

John: I doubt that, Sohryu, but I'll play along. I've already told you
about the fundamental ki techniques, and I'm sure you've already gotten
similar lectures from Jared. A ki shield involves projecting an aura
around you. It acts as a force field, countering and/or redirecting
incoming energy to negate any attacks directed at your person.

Asuka: I know what--

John: (snapping out an interruption) Shut up, Asuka, I won't tell you
again. (pause before continuing) This force field, since it is made up
of ki, has a certain frequency to it. This basic human frequency can
change as the neutral ki is charged with emotions. Each emotional state
has its own frequency, as well as a color, which can be seen in a
person's aura. And you know what will blow your mind? The AT fields of
the Evas are themselves ki shields. They just operate at a completely
different frequency than a "normal" shield. They use a different cue.

Asuka: And what would that be, Worm?

John: The pilot's brain waves. You already know that what the Eva feels,
you feel. The interface clips you wear in place of hair bands, the plug
suits, the LCL in the plug; all are used to control the more complex
actions of the beast, including feedback. The Eva is a conduit for your
natural power, all you need is the will power and it will do the rest.

Asuka: I know that part already, Worm.

John: Then I'll tell you the secret to getting past a ki shield. The
first, simplest way is to simply try to overpower the shield. This may
also take the most energy, since even a weak fighter can summon a
powerful field if they are purely on the defensive. The second and third
ways have to do with acknowledging the frequency and then canceling it
out or jamming it. If two fighters have the same emotional state, they
may as well forget the ki shields. Their auras will be at roughly the
same frequency, and will pass right through each other. The second
method--jamming--is just as tricky. To jam a shield, you have to be
feeling the opposite of the user.

Asuka: You made a perverted comment, and I reacted with opposite energy.

John: I made a helpful suggestion, with concern for your intentions. My
emotions were in check, and so your attack failed. Had I actually been
trying to fuck you, then you might have connected, but you'd still be
too weak to hurt me.

Asuka: So you think, Worm.

John: < ^_^ > So let's pretend that I don't know why you were out of it
this morning. What's wrong?

Asuka: What's it to you?

John: Well, conditions have changed since you last slept. I'm now
responsible for you and Shinji. And as your trainer, I need to help you
on as many levels as possible.

Asuka: What a load of bullshit.

John: (patience stretched thin) Fine, here are your choices: You choose
not to co-operate so I write you off as a lost cause, you lose your
pilot status and are locked away under guard in a NERV mental
institution where they don't help you. Instead, they medicate you
heavily so you don't spill any secrets. Shinji doesn't visit you because
he's fucking Rei every night and your precious Unit-02 gets given to
Kensuke who is more than eager to fill your spot. I'd give everyone two
months, tops, before you're completely forgotten or remembered just as
"that annoying German bitch."

[Asuka draws back from the suddenly venomous future John has painted.
She tries to give her denials voice, but finds herself choking on the
words.]

John: OR, you can let me help you with your fucking inferiority complex
and social issues, you synch with your Eva and everyone respects you
because you're not a total bitch anymore. (leans back in his chair and
kicks away from the couch, turning his chair away from her) But I can't
help you if you don't want help. Pride is just a voice in your head
fucking with you, Asuka. Only crazy people listen to voices in their
heads.

[John stops for a breath, but decides he's said enough. Asuka needs to
be pushed. She has so many defenses protecting her degenerative mental
state that she needs to be drawn out before he can do anything with her.
She is a smart girl, even if she is impulsive as a shopping spree, and
if he can just get her to see what she has become, then maybe she will
snap out of it. Or kill herself, but John is dead set against letting
The Eva Effect win this round.]

[Behind him, he hears Asuka shift in the couch.]

Asuka: Genoni...

[John turns his chair slowly to face Asuka.]

Asuka: (leaping again in a flying punch) LEAVE ME ALONE!!

[Reacting quickly, he pulses his aura, sending both Asuka and his chair
to opposite walls. Hovering for a moment to straighten himself, he
pulses it again as Asuka tries to charge him a second time. John holds
Asuka against the wall with his ki, not trying to hurt her, but giving
her the show of force needed to drive his message home. She doesn't
bother fighting back; she's too weak from this morning's incident to
muster any strength. After a few seconds of this, John lets her down
onto the couch. She begins crying as he retrieves his chair with a wave
of his hand.]

John: (offering the Second Child a handkerchief) It's all right, let it
out. Let it all out. I know you promised yourself that you wouldn't cry
when your mother died, but some promises are meant to be broken.

[As Asuka bawls her eyes out, John sighs an unmistakably "I feel like
such a jerk" variety sigh.]

----------

[A little later.]

[Asuka is composed and sits demurely on the couch, holding a large
coffee mug filled with water. John's sipping his coffee from his chair
next to the couch.]

John: So, how are you feeling?

Asuka: (glares at John in disbelief) How do you think I'm feeling, Worm?

John: (ignoring the response, and repeats) How are you feeling?

Asuka: What is it with you repeating the same question?

John: How are you feeling?

Asuka: I'm beginning to feel annoyed, Worm. But otherwise, I feel like
shit.

John: That's better. Maybe I should've explained the rules ahead of
time. I'll ask the questions, and if necessary I'll even give you the
answers. If I'm not satisfied with the answer you give me then I'll ask
again. You see, unlike other psych minors, I actually know who my
patient is and what's wrong. The trick is getting you to know. So the
fastest way for me to get out of your face is to be completely honest
with yourself. You may be the smartest person in the room, but that's
worth jack right now. So, how are you feeling?

Asuka: (nasty glare) When I'm at full strength tomorrow, I swear I'll
extract vengeance.

John: (indifferently) Glad to hear it, you know where to find me. How
are you feeling?

Asuka: Stop asking that.

[John glares at Asuka, who's more than willing to return the favor. Like
two basilisks trying to stare each other down, this continues for a
minute before John's eyes narrow sharply. The water in her mug starts
boiling and she yelps when a scalding drop lands on her hand. In that
moment's distraction John covers the short distance in nothing flat and
is barely an inch from Asuka's face.]

John: (very pissed voice) How many weeks? Huh?! How many weeks have you
been around every corner, behind every door, asking, bugging, begging
us to teach you?! To train you! And what happened when we agreed?
Well? Have you listened to a single word we've said?! Is something
getting lost in the fucking translation?! You ask for help and then not
accept it! You ask to be trained and then ignore us! WHY?!! Where in
your supposedly genius brain did you decide that you were better than
us? When did you think that we weren't worth your time?!

[Among the three Goons, John is not known for being violent. Andy may be
a rocket launcher dropped into a fireworks factory, and Jared was
dispatching hardened assassins with his bare hands little more a week
ago, but John is the pacifist in the group. Now an inch from Asuka's
face, his lips are twisted into a snarl, and his voice is filled with
venom. She knows he's capable of beating down a good-sized company of
experienced soldiers, and she doesn't feel like fighting him. At the
same moment, she also realizes there's nowhere to go. She can't even run
from herself.]

Asuka: (whispering) Please stop.

John: (suddenly dangerously quiet) Why should I?

Asuka: You're scaring me.

John: (curiously) Oh, really?

Asuka: Yes. You wanted to know how I'm feeling. (painful pause) Well,
I'm scared. I feel helpless right now. I want... Just stop it please.

John: (warming up slightly) Go ahead, finish that last sentence.

Asuka: I want... (then after John's nodding) I want my mommy.

[John smiles as warmly and reassuringly as he can. Nodding again to
Asuka, he steps away from the Second Child and sits back down.]

John: I'd bet that feeling is more familiar than you'd like to admit.
Your dad was a bastard for letting you see your mother after the
accident. You'd have been better off if he lied to you. But let's talk
about your mother, ok?

Asuka: No. I don't want to talk about her.

John: I know you don't want to, but you must. Asuka, consider this:
Suppose there was an Angel that could invade the Human mind and bring up
all of our worst memories all at the same time. Suppose this mind-raping
Angel was so high up it couldn't be shot down by normal means. And
suppose it picked you for its target. Asuka, if you don't deal with
these issues on your own right now, you'll be forced to deal with them
in very inopportune times.

Asuka: How do you know these things?

John: Sore wa himitsu desu, Asuka. I can't tell you that. Your mother.

Asuka: What about her?

John: You miss her.

[A scathing reply dies on her tongue, remembering John's face from just
a few moments ago. Unwilling to push the Goon until he ceases to be an
annoyance and is elevated in status to "unhinged psychopath," Asuka
merely nods.]

John: But you like piloting your Eva, don't you?

[Asuka makes eye contact and raises her eyebrow curiously.]

Asuka: (thinking) What is he getting at? (out loud) Yes.

John: That pain from the loss of your mother seems to disappear.

Asuka: (trailing off) How do....

John: Because I know what you don't. But I can't tell you outright,
unfortunately. I can tell you a lot of mistakes were made in the early
days of the program; nobody knew what to expect. Most of today's safety
protocols owe to what happened back at Gehirn.

Asuka: What are you getting to, Genoni?

John: Do you know what happens when you "synchronize" with your Eva,
Asuka?

Asuka: Sure, I exert my will over the Eva and it does what I say.
Synchronization is how well it does what I tell it to do.

John: Incorrect. Piloting an Evangelion isn't about dominance, but
cooperation. You share with the Eva. Do you want to guess what?

[Asuka shrugs lightly and shakes her head. At best, the subject of the
Evas is sketchy territory for her. For the millionth time, she wonders
how the three American morons could know so much about what is going on.
When even the head of the project is left in the dark.]

Asuka: (thinking) I don't get told much about the Evas, even though I'm
a pilot. Is Ritsuko hiding something from me? Or does she not know
herself? (short pause) And how do these idiot Americans seem to know
everything?!

John: You share your soul, Ms. Sohryu. The Evas are creatures. They
live, they breathe, they bleed, but they have no soul. The breath of
life and movement is missing from a typical Eva straight from the
factory, so to speak.

Asuka: Shinji's moves on its own sometimes. Before I arrived, they said
it protected him from some debris.

John: So if Evas can't move without a soul, but Shinji's can move on its
own....

Asuka: Then it must have a soul!

John: Yes, but whose? Certainly not Shinji's else the poor boy wouldn't
be alive to mope around all day. And it moved before he even had touched
the thing.

Asuka: Why are you asking me? I don't know who!

John: Units 00, 01, and 02 are the oldest Evas NERV has. They're almost
nine years old, and 00 is over ten I would venture. There were three
original test pilots, all female, all born before Impact, and all of
them are dead today. That's why only children born after Second Impact
can pilot, with, of course, the exception of my friends and myself.

Asuka: So one of the original pilots completely lost her soul to
Unit-01....

John: But if all of them died....

Asuka: They all lost their souls? Are you telling me that there is
someone's SOUL in _my_ EVA?!!

John: (mysterious grin) If it were true, then what, Ms. Langley?

Asuka: Then my low synch scores would be because the Eva doesn't agree
with me.

John: (suggesting) Try "because I'm not cooperating with it."

Asuka: It's _my_ Eva!

John: They were there first Asuka. (pause) We're getting off track.

Asuka: No kidding we're were supposed to be talking about my... my....

John: (pleased grin) Of course, how could I forget?

Asuka: Who were the first pilots, Genoni?

John: I'm impressed. It's been a full twenty minutes and no "Worms."

Asuka: TELL ME!!

John: < o_o > You already know the answer to that, Asuka. We're done for
now. It's getting near lunch time, why don't you get something to eat?
We'll start training tomorrow.

Asuka: Don't do this, just tell me, please.

John: (quickly accessing a schedule) Rit-chan has you down for some more
synch tests in a few hours. Why don't you take this new knowledge and
test it then?

[Asuka's eyes narrow as John gets up and opens the door for her. But she
rises and slowly makes her way out.]

Asuka: (as she leaves) Bastard. This isn't over.

John: (smiling) Not by a long shot. Hit the tiles, kid, I've got to see
if Shinji's awake yet or not.

Asuka: Shinji?

[John casually pulls the still unresponsive boy out of the closet.]

Asuka: SHINJI! (grabs John's collar) What did you do to him?!

John: (looking at her hands) So you were listening. Andy found Shinji
like this, dear Asuka. I'll be certain to relay your concern to him
after I snap him out of this.

[Asuka balks, but is waved away by the Goon.]

John: Time for guy-talk, Asuka. You wouldn't understand. Just get some
lunch, think about what we talked about, and let me know how things turn
out tomorrow. Ok?

Asuka: Fine, I guess he's in better hands than he was with Andy.

[The redhead leaves.]

----------

[A few minutes later.]

[John kicks the lever again. The toilet flushes around Shinji's inverted
head. This is about the third time he's given the younger pilot a
"swirly" since Shinji snapped out of his deep introspection, but John
seems to be enjoying it too much to be healthy for the poor boy.]

Shinji: AAAHHH! (gurgle gurgle) STOP IT! HELP! SOMEONE HELP!!!

John: (as if noticing for the first time) Oh, you're awake finally.

[John rights the featherweight easily.]

Shinji: What's going on? Where am I?

John: Well, dear boy, you're in one of the men's restrooms in NERV. Andy
found you this morning on the train and took Rei in trade. Jared left me
Asuka, and took Toji. I just got done talking with Asuka, she's eating
lunch right now. She will get to start training tomorrow. _You_ on the
other hand....

Shinji: (sighing, as he grabs a paper towel) Don't have what it takes.

John: (blinks) Explain to me what Andy is doing to train you.

Shinji: (trying to straighten his hair bare-handed) Well, I don't think
he trains Toji and me so much as he just runs around trying to kill us.

John: (handing Shinji a comb) Survival and endurance.... It lacks
finesse and technique, but it teaches you to think on your feet.
Necessary, but I'm surprised he's doing it so soon in the training.

Shinji: Actually, I think that he's just using us as target practice. He
keeps ranting on and on about how he will have his vengeance or
something. I'm not worth anybody's time to actually train.

John: (spinning Shinji around to face him) This is going to hurt.

[John slaps Shinji hard.]

[The strike spins the boy around 520 degrees so that he's facing the
restroom mirror again. John grabs his shoulder and points at Shinji's
reflection.]

John: Damn it man! Look at yourself! You're soaking wet! You're
depressed about the opinions of a delusional American bent on world
domination! You don't even have the guts to kiss Asuka in her sleep when
she wants you!

Shinji: Does everybody know about that?!

John: (ignoring the response) Look into this mirror and tell me what you
see.

Shinji: A reflection of a shadow. An image that I use to identify
myself.

John: < -_- > ... (blinks) ... (thinking) Must... control... Fist...
of...  Death....

[Apparently, even John has limits. Shinji's head bounces off of the
mirror and stumbles back into an open stall. John almost gives chase to
pound the depressed baka, or at least give him a few more swirlies, but
regains control over the Dark Side just in time, and leaves the restroom
for a drink.]

Shinji: < @_@ > Owwie....

[A minute later, as Shinji is pulling himself out of the stall. John
enters again, this time with a green bottle in hand.]

John: (setting the bottle down on the counter) Ok, Ace. I want to
apologize for that. It was wrong and I should have been in better
control of my actions. Things have been difficult lately, you know how
it goes....

Shinji: (still backing away from John) Does this mean I get to hit you
back?

John: (eyes narrow menacingly) I didn't hit you, I only threw your head
at the mirror. If you think this is going to play out like Suzuhara,
then you're a poor judge of character.  I apologized, that's the end.

Shinji: Yessir!

John: (sigh) ... That's it?

Shinji: < o_O > ... Uuuhhh....

John: I caused bodily harm to you! I inflicted pain! And you're going to
let it slide with a "Yessir!" and head hung in shame?! Madre del Diablo,
boy! Stand up for yourself! Demand justice! Make me beg for forgiveness
on my knees!

Shinji: How am I supposed to do that? You're bigger than me and a hell
of lot more powerful! If I tried attacking you, I'd get splattered all
over the wall!

John: This is true, Ace. But what you are lacking is respect and self
confidence. Respect is earned, so I can't help you there, but if you
believe in yourself, then you're that much closer to unlocking your ki.
So I'm going to ask you again.... Look into that mirror and tell me what
you see.

Shinji: A... (catching John's twitching eyebrow) Um.... Myself. I see
Shinji.

John: You see Shinji... You see Shinji. And tell me, boy, what is a
"Shinji?"

Shinji: What?

John: Don't make me get Tarantino on you, Ace. Just answer the question.

Shinji: A human? A enduring but temporal physicality that resembles...?

[Shinji trails off once he sees John's Look.]

John: Let's try this _one_ more time.

Shinji: Okay....

John: (slowly) Look into the mirror.

[Shinji looks at his reflection in the mirror.]

John: (slowly) Tell me what you see.

Shinji: I see myself.

John: Well you know what I see?

[Shinji shakes his head "No."]

John: (pointing at Shinji's reflection) I see pride! I see power! I see
a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!

Shinji: You.... You do?

John: (fake Jamaican accent) Ya mon. But it doesn't matter what I see,
what really matters is what you see. So look in dat mirror again, and
tell me 'bout it.

Shinji: I see....

John: Pride!

Shinji: Pride.

John: Power!

Shinji: Power.

John: (cuing) I see....

Shinji: I see a bad mother that won't take no crap out of nobody.

John: Once again!

Shinji: I see pride. I see power. I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take
no crap out of nobody.

John: Again!

Shinji: I see pride. I see power. I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take
no crap out of nobody!

John: I can't hear you!

Shinji: I see pride. I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take
no crap out of nobody!

John: I still can't hear you!

Shinji: I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take
no crap out of nobody!

John: From the soul, boy!

Shinji: (louder) I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that
won't take no crap out of nobody!

John: Keep it coming!

[Shinji is well on his way to being psyched-up as he shouts out the pep
chant from "Cool Runnings" over and over again. John leans back against
a bathroom stall and is feeling rather pleased with himself. If Shinji
keeps this up, he might actually grow a backbone. John lets it continue
for a little more, shouting encouragement to the young Japanese boy,
before he figures Shinji is in for a bad case of dry throat from yelling
so much. Quietly checking his Mini-MAGI for the nearest vending machine,
John slips out of the room leaving Shinji to his therapy.]

----------

[A handy and accessible 20 feet from the Goons' office is a Pepsi
vending machine. John walks towards the device, a decisive smirk on his
face.]

John: (thinking) Location. Location. Location.

[John carefully makes his choice for the next generation. Mountain Dew
is out of the question. Pumping Shinji full of caffeine and sugar is ill
advised, considering the fragle nature of the Eva pilot, not to mention
extrodinarily dangerous. Entertainment value doesn't count. No, Dew
would do in this situation. Not for Shinji. Not _yet_....]

John: (thinking) Root beer?

[Shrugging, John decides the beverage is fitting and makes his
selection. As he leaves, he throws a jaunty wave to the vending machine
dude, who is preparing do his daily restock.]

[At the same time, back in the restroom, Shinji's throat is indeed
getting dry. He stops calling out, feeling really good about himself. He
feels proud, powerful... and thirsty? Looking around for John, he spies
an unlabeled one liter bottle filled with a green liquid. He passes off
the glowing quality as a trick of the lights and the green plastic and
picks up the bottle. Screwing the cap off, Shinji brings the bottle to
his lips....]


[Flashback: Several days ago at the Goon's apartment.]

Andy: So John, what are you cooking?

John: (in the kitchen) Brewing, actually.

Andy: (entering the kitchen) Same difference.

John: Well, as much as I appreciate Jared's special blend of coffee in
the morning. I figured we needed something for other times of the day.
So... I've decided to try to make Super Dew.

[Crack. Boom.]

Andy: Those sudden thunderstorms are getting annoying.

Jared: (walking in) Did you just say Super Dew?

[Crack. Boom.]

John: Yes.

Jared: How?

John: Well by combining two different substances, I hope to create a
more powerful hybrid. But I'm still working on the proper ratios....

Jared: Ratios of what?

John: Green Tea naturally has five times the amount of caffeine as
Coffee. And we all know about Dew. By extracting the pure caffeine from
the tea leaves and combining it with Mountain Dew... The trick isn't so
much keeping it from tasting terrible, I've already crossed that bridge.
The trick is accomplishing my goal.

Andy: Goal?

John: All three of us are hyperactive, Andy. The Dew doesn't affect us
like normal people. Because we're already at a heightened level of
activity, stimulants like caffeine or Ritalin burn us out--they slow us
down.

Jared: So you're trying to give us a sleeping agent?

John: Hardly. Because we're hyper and attention deficit, it's hard for
us to focus. Taking the aforementioned stimulants slow us down enough to
focus on tasks. But what I'm trying to do is give us that kind of focus
in our natural hyper state or possibly even higher, without the burn
out. With just a sip we'd be able to enter the Zone. Basically, I'm
trying to make Bullet-time in a bottle.

Jared: (Keanu Reeves style) Whoa. Cool.

Andy: You're MAD! MAD I SAY!!! (pause) Does it work yet?

[John dips a ladle into the glowing pot before him and sips. His head
jerks to the side instantly and he collapses into a quivering ball the
next second. After five seconds in this posture, his shaking hand rises
and grasps the counter in a death-grip and slowly pulls the body into a
standing position. His hair is on end and his eyes are looking in
completely different directions.]

John: (gasping) Not quite yet, but I'm close. I think I just saw into
the future.

Jared: What's it look like?

John: Fist of the North Star.

[High-fives are exchanged all around.]

Andy: What would happen if a normal human got a hold of the finished
project?

John: Hard to say. My first answer would be they would spontaneously
combust. But it might also be that they get so hyped up that they
actually move in Bullet-time. They could just go completely insane. I
can't really say....

[End Flashback.]


[Shinji closes his tired eyes and takes a swig of the glowing bottle
John has left behind....]

----------

[The restroom, a minute later.]

John: Hey, Ace, I think I remember you liking root beer so I... Shinji?
How did he leave without me seeing (looks up for some reason) him.

[The ventilation duct cover is gone, the opening gaping and empty like
the mouth of a dead trout. John spies the missing grate, rended a
crushed mess by apparently human hands as easily as if it were made of
aluminum foil. Further inspection of the room reveals claw-marks on the
stall doors and several cracked tiles on the walls.]

John: Oh my.... Where's my bottle? (looks around) Oh dear... if Shinji
drank.... Oh shit.

[From the vent shaft echoes a feral noise. Not quite hissing, but not
quite heavy breathing. The last time John had heard that noise was a
series of science fiction movies starring Sigourney Weaver.]

John: Oooooooooh fuck.

[Author: (whispering) Psst. This is were you scream and run.]

[John is more than happy to oblige. He bolts from the bathroom at full
volume and doesn't pause for a breath until he reaches the vending
machine he stopped at just moments ago. It isn't so much "pause for
breath" as "gasp in terror" as he beholds the wreckage that used to be a
gift from Pepsi Cola Co.]

[What is left of the pop machine litters the floor, it's shell shredded
as easily as wrapping paper and the internal machinery literally tied in
knots. Cans of Diet and Regular Pepsi, Root Beer, and Sierra Mist are
all over the tiled floor, given the scene a hit-and-run accident feel.
However, no Mountain Dew is to be seen in the mess... not a single
green can. And the vendor dude is missing as well. The only trace of him
is a boot on the floor and a torn bit of shirt hanging from the
ceiling.]

[John decides it is in his best interest to turn the other way and
continue running.]

----------

[Quarantined research room.]

[Maya and Ritsuko are in full biochemical environment suits as they work
on some tissue samples. The form-fitting--but durable--suits feature
large, hardened helmets that fit over their shoulders in a tight seal
and don't seem to hinder the pair of multi-taskers in the least. Their
breath is broadcast through their radios with a regular mechanical
wheezing sound, like a tiny tin bellows operating somewhere within the
Hazard Yellow coveralls. For reference, Misato wore a red version in the
Jet Alone incident in Neon Genesis: Evangelion, Episode 7. In Episode 2,
during clean up, both Ritsuko and Misato appear to be wearing similar
suits, though with the helmets removed. Lastly, right after the
destruction of the 15th Angel, Ritsuko can again be seen in an orange
one. And not a WORD on continuity, we've already burned that bridge.]

Maya: Most of the structural work is completed, but the plans for the
entry plug and control system are still missing.

Ritsuko: They aren't missing, it's just that those bastards haven't
given them back yet. I just wish they would make their move, it's a
major pain having to try and guess what they'll try to leverage with
those plans.

Maya: What was the notebook doing out in the open anyway, Senpai?
(withdrawing under her senpai's harsh glare) I'm sorry. Forgive my
insubordination.

Ritsuko: I'll think of an appropriate punishment later, Maya. Just go
back to work.

Maya: (whimpering) Hai.

[The silence is broken by a beeping noise from the radio. Ritsuko hits a
button on the outside of her suit.]

Gendo: Dr. Akagi.

Ritsuko: (deepening her voice to James Earl Jones levels and breathing
extra hard for the effect) What is thy bidding, my master?

Gendo: ...

[Maya starts cracking up.]

Gendo: I hate it when you do that. Where are you?

Ritsuko: (normal voice) Working on some samples from the AC project.

Gendo: Well, you can stop what you're doing. Genoni has been raising a
ruckus on all of the vid-screens screaming about someone being loose.
Try to find him and see what he's babbling about.

Ritsuko: Since when did I become his keeper?

Gendo: That was an order, Doctor.

Ritsuko: Fine. (Darth Vader impression) Leave him to me, I will deal
with him myself.

[Gendo clicks off. Maya starts giggling.]

Ritsuko: Maya, make sure that the Angel remains locked down and have
the grunts ready to build that plug. If John's panicking, he'll hand
over the plans with little prodding.

Maya: < ^_^ > Tee hee. You're so evil, Senpai!

[Resisting the urge to laugh arrogantly, the doctor instead leaves the
room to find the youngest Goon.]

----------

[Up a few floors.]

John: Andy!! Thank the gods I've found you! (blink, quick look around)
Where's Rei?

Andy: Where evil cannot touch her!

John: First off, that's _my_ line!

Andy: < ^_^ > Sorry, I couldn't resist.

John: < o_0 > And second, whose evil are you referring to?

Andy: Ummmm... never mind that, Rei's fine. She's pretty fucking strong
for a pale skinny bitch clone. I guess it comes from the Angel part
instead of Yui.

John: < -_- > I'd hurt you, but there is a more pressing issue at hand.

Andy: Such as?

John: Shinji's drunk the Super Dew. He may have some more left. But
apparently his frail ego couldn't handle the power and he's regressed
back into some sort of feral animal mentality. He's already taken a
vendor and who knows whom else. I've been trying to get someone to help
but you know how excitable I get when things like this happen....

Andy: < o_o > All too well.... So what's the plan? Sound a general
alarm?

John: We should, but we don't want to cause panic and I'd rather keep
this quiet or Shinji will never come back to work again. Moreover, he's
timid as a human, who knows how cautious he'll be now. If we start
hitting alarms, he may go into hiding and we'll never find him.

Andy: Is he in the hallways?

John: The ventilation ducts. (sees Andy's eyes glint predatorily) I
figure he'll pull a Tanya from Battle Athletes, pick and choose his
targets and then--

Andy: Then what, Genoni? Paint their faces? Maybe with the blood of his
last victim! This creature must be stopped!

John: Nostromo to Mucha! We're talking about a super-caffeinated Third
Child, not some ravenous Xenomorph! We could just let him burn himself
out.

Andy: (appalled) AT WHAT COST, MAN?!

John: Look let's just find Asuka and the rest of the pilots, then we can
organize things. She should be eating in the cafeteria near here.

Andy: Fine, you get the rest of the kids and find Jared. As for me,
(grabs a black paint stick from his pocket and draws war-paint lines on
his face, then in a solemn, almost reverent tone) the Hunt begins.

[Before John can object, Andy dives through a grate near the floor and
disappears into the ventilation system.]

John: This bodes of bad things to come.

----------

[One of the many NERV cafeterias. Ask about the special today on fish
sticks!]

[Sitting near the kitchen is one Asuka Zeppelin Langley Sohryu. Crumbs
of previously devoured foodstuffs litter her tray as she slowly plays
with the last stick, twirling it around in the tartar sauce. Her
thoughts are obviously elsewhere as every muscle in her body reminds her
she spent the morning stiff as lumber.]

[Through a vent high overhead, a figure hidden in the shadows watches
the carefree movements of the various technicians and engineers as they
take their lunch break. The creature picks its target and silently
crawls through the dark tunnels for an ambush....]

[Not long after, a larger predator is looking through the same
grate. But this one needs not the element of stealth, only for his prey
to be distracted enough for the surprise. Yes, this grate will do nicely
for his purposes....]

[The more normal route of entry (doors! Ever hear of them?!) comes John.
He quickly picks out the color red in a seat of black and brown hair,
then makes for his target at a brisk pace.]

John: (to himself) Stay frosty.

[Asuka is actually easy to pick out. Unspoken rules govern the seating
arrangements and as such, Asuka has a lot of table to surround her. John
elects for the Dracula entrance, sliding across the floor with little
physical movement. Overly dramatic, but necessary to maintain the
mystique of the Intelligence Division.]

John: (sitting in front of Asuka) Feeling better, slugger?

Asuka: (avoiding eye contact, melancholy tone) A little. I just... this
is a lot to process, you know?

John: Had to be done, kiddo. If you're finished with your meal... ummm,
Misato's waiting for us in the briefing room.

Asuka: (suspicious glare) Oh really? Then I suppose while she's waiting
for us, she decided to have lunch with Hyuga?

John: (looking over his shoulder at the pair) Fine, there's been a
situation. For now, only pilots and command staff need to know about it.
I'm gathering everyone at the briefing room so we can solve this without
any further incidents.

[Immediately following John's sentence, one of the women at the
engineer's table yelps. Soon it is followed by a shriek at the computer
technician's bench. A few seconds later, one of the Eva techs scream.
John stands on Asuka's table in time to see a woman from Akagi's
department squeal as she is sucked under her table.]

Asuka: (Joining John on top of the table, an action mimicked by many
others) What the hell is going on?!

John: (hopping from table to table towards the last disappearance) I'll
explain later, nobody panic!

[As the usual percentage takes John's advice (3%), John kicks the target
table away unveiling a large hole in the floor. It is odd enough to find
such a hole, but one that has been melted open? Around the hole is a
syrup-like substance that is still eating at the tiles. Against better
judgment, John gathers a decent sample on his forefinger.]

John: This is new.... (sniffs the goo caking on his finger) I didn't
think I brewed the Dew that strong.

[Andy suddenly descends from his perch and lands lightly by the hole.
John is still looking at the green goo on his finger.]

Andy: It's down there?

John: (nodding) He's somehow found a way to turn the Super Dew into a
highly corrosive secretion. But it only seems to affect inorganic
substances.

Andy: (sniffing the air) He must be still in the area.

John: (glaring) You can't smell him, you maniac.

Andy: (still sniffing around the hole) Hot steel blades, assorted
spices, pre-processed meals....

John: (Eureka!) He's in the kitchen!

[Both Americans rush into the kitchen. John through the swinging door;
Andy diving through the window. Inside, the Russian chef (female) is
munching happily on a meal from her home area.]

Chef Lady: Mmmm, Siberian breakfast....

[Blink. Blink.]

Andy: (sarcastic mocking) He's in the kitchen!

John: < -_- > Shut it.

Asuka: (bursting in) ALRIGHT! I want some answers now!

John: (licks his finger clean) Not here, it isn't (the Super Dew
concentrate begins to take effect) safe?

[Think of an acid trip in Bullet-time. Or for those who'd rather not,
put a cherry bomb in a paint set. That is the initial shock to the
system as the SD takes effect. Then the colors come back together and
the world around John slows down. Asuka, mid-stride, is hovering in the
air as her foot slowly descends. Steam from the chef's meal creeps
upwards in a lazy dance with the air currents. John takes in a breath
from his nose and the world explodes in colors again as his brain tries
to match whatever it can. Sounds, smells, colors, and textures all
became one sensory input. The overload is temporary, but disorienting
enough that he almost misses the ripple caused by a significantly sized
life form making its way through the vent above the chef.]

[He rushes to the cook, but to no avail. Something comes down from the
vent, something that used to be human. The sturdy chef is knocked cold
by the grate, leaving just the creature, the Americans and the Psycho
Bitch--er... the Second Child.]

[It was Shinji. And by "was" I mean it used to be Shinji, but now it is
something else. He crouches low to the ground, drooling like a faucet,
and hissing Xenomorph-style to all present. His clothes are torn and
dirty and his hair is on end. His jaw leaks the concentrated Super Dew
found on the cafeteria floor, the sort that can eat through inorganic
materials like a potent acid. The wild look in his eyes is completely
inhuman as he alternates sizing each person in the room up, hovering on
Asuka the longest. Feral Shinji then looks at his unconscious prey and
then back at the humans, finally deciding on something. Hissing one more
time in defiance, he hooks one arm around the cook, a woman 2.5 times
his mass and leaps back up into the ventilation system.]

[For twenty long seconds, everyone stands there, mouths agape, not a
single blink. Then....]

Asuka: < 0_0 > What the FUCK was that?!

Andy: < 0_0 > You've gone too far, Genoni! I ask you to train the boy
and you turn him into a monster! (manly tears of joy) I am SO proud of
you!

John: (To Andy) We have to leave now. (glance at Asuka, then) It would
be best to keep anyone from tailing us.

Asuka: Don't you dare try to Ninja Vanish your way out of this one!
I'll--

Andy: FOOD FIGHT!!!

[Just guess what happens. Just guess.]

[You know, in America, there's the Riot Act that makes it a felony to
participate in inciting a riot or mass hysteria. In Japan, they'll just
send Ninja while you sleep, they hate messes.]

[While squishy tartar sauce kombat is being dished out, Andy escapes
through the ceiling vent and John flies over the mess with ki shield on
full power. Asuka, Misato and Makoto are left to slightly more
conventional means of escape.]

----------

[Pilot briefing room.]

[All, except John, are seated and of those all, except Andy, are giving
John very harsh glares. Ritsuko's natural dislike for the boy is
blatant; she wants those plans. Asuka and Misato both have spots of
tartar sauce on their clothing, but thanks to Jared's and the JSSDF
special ops training they respectively know they didn't get it as bad as
Makoto. The bridge tech looks like something out of a low budget monster
flick. Every once in a while a blob of the white sauce drips from his
ruined outfit reminding everyone why they should kill John. Makoto's
sidearm lies on the table in front of him, receiving more than one
glance per minute.]

John: (ignoring the glares as usual) Jared's vanished with Toji
somewhere and Andy still won't tell me where he left Rei.

[Tokyo-3, outside of a movie theater, Rei stands in line to get tickets
to a mecha anime premiere. Three Otaku, plus a rude boy in Chinese
clothes with a short pigtail, lay unconscious as a warning to all that
this is one clone you do not cut in front of.]

[Back to the briefing room....]

John: Right, this is Rumor Control, here are the facts. (ignoring the
sarcastic snort from Dr. Akagi) Last night, I successfully brewed a
powerful beverage that I fondly call Super Dew. I brought a liter of it
to work with me for a field test today. Shinji and Asuka are currently
under my charge to train having traded with my fellows earlier this
morning. Shinji, during a pep talk, discovered my bottle of Super Dew
and has consumed some, if not all, of it. There is strong evidence that
Shinji is now out of touch with his humanity and while in this hyper-
caffeinated state is acting like some predatory animal. He is using the
ventilation system to avoid most bystanders. Seven women and one man are
now missing, presumably abducted by Shinji. Are there any questions?

Ritsuko: So, just so we're all clear on this.... This is all your fault.

[Splurch.]

John: You're not focusing, Rit-chan.

Makoto: And now (splurch) you want us to help you clean up your mess.

John: Andy instigated the food fight, Makoto, I just told him we needed
a distraction.

[Now all except Ritsuko are glaring at Andy as he shrinks into his
chair.]

John: Now isn't the time for the blame game. But yes, essentially I'm
asking for your help.

Misato: Shinji is just really hyper?

John: Basically yes. However he's acting on impulse and instinct right
now. There's no human rationale in his brain.

Asuka: So can't we just wait?

John: If we let him burn himself out, it may kill him. He'd go into
cardiac arrest and his system would just shut down. Hell, his heart may
explode just from being this hyper, this boy's frame isn't conditioned
for this kind of stuff yet.

Andy: I wonder... is there a possibility of spontaneous combustion?

John: There's that too. And even if he can take it, he's a danger to
himself and others while he's in this state. We have to find him,
capture him, and ensure that he safely returns to normal as soon as
possible. I've already sealed off the surrounding levels with my
Mini-MAGI so he's cornered.

Andy: So we'll need a tazer each, a net gun, some tranquilizer darts--
OOH!--that foam stuff that's really sticky--

Ritsuko: We don't have any of that.

Andy: Pardon?

Ritsuko: We don't have any of those items.

Andy: < -_- > This is a maximum security, well oiled war machine... and
you're telling me you're not equipped to deal with this situation?

Ritsuko: (I've-whined-about-this-before tone) NERV exists to fight the
Angels. It's practically world-wide knowledge that we can't fend off a
human invasion. The order for small arms and non-lethals keeps getting
lost in the budget! (convincing tone, but obviously lying) The officers
have a side arm each but we'd have to go out and get our own tazers, and
with our salaries? Ha!

John: We'll fix that later. Surely, you can track any movements in the
ducts, can't you?

Ritsuko: Yes, we have sensors and traps installed to track Andy.

[The Maniac chuckles nervously.]

John: So we should have no problem finding Shinji and locating the
missing personnel.

Ritsuko: There's one problem.

John: Yes?

Ritsuko: They aren't here, we just have the upper levels installed, the
only crews that have the clearance to work on the lower level ducts,
including this level doesn't come on shift for two more hours. Someone
has to manually install and activate each one.

Andy: His mini-MAGI!

Asuka: You mean the one the baka left on his dresser this morning?

Andy: Yes... that one....

Misato: I wonder why he's only abducting women.... (blink) You don't
suppose....

Andy: Hey! This is not Species!

Ritsuko: For the last time, this isn't some stupid anime!!

Misato: Well, if he's trapped on one of three floors the only way to
find him and the missing personnel is to get into the ducts and seal
them off behind the teams. Since time is of importance we'll split up
into teams. Ritsuko and I will stay here and monitor the sensors.
Makoto, get cleaned up and take Asuka with you below this level. John,
take Andy and take the level above us. If what John says is true, it'll
be next to impossible to negotiate so just try to keep him cornered and
radio in on your mini-MAGI's if you see anything, got it?

Andy: Split up? Great idea, Velma, we can get Asuka some Scooby snacks
while we're out as well.

[The old (in Eva time-line) American cartoon reference nearly slips by
the NERV cast. A quick beating inevitably follows. It is ten minutes
before John grows impatient and leaves Andy unconscious on the briefing
room floor. Rit-chan and Mis-chan begin taking turns flicking paper
triangles at the Dangerous One.]

----------

[It has been fifteen minutes since the search for Shinji began. The
pairs have dutifully activated the motion detectors per Ritsuko's
instructions. But Shinji remains elusive, until it becomes frightfully
obvious to Misato and Ritsuko, that Shinji is on their floor.]

Misato: I've called everyone back. The detectors haven't picked up
anything?

Ritsuko: Nothing. I'm tracking the four, and they seem to be moving
cautiously, but otherwise normal.

Misato: So Shinji's probably on this level, huh?

Ritsuko: Wouldn't doubt it. Heh. Five weeks ago not a soul would give
the poor boy the time of day except out of pity, now he's more feared
than the three Americans. I hope the little guy comes out of this okay.

Misato: Me too. I hate to admit it, but the kid's grown on me a bit.

Ritsuko: I've noticed.... Did you hear that?

Misato: Hear what?

Ritsuko: Shh. Listen.

[Misato strains her ears. At first, she hears nothing more than the
steady hum of air conditioners and the buzzing of fluorescent lighting.
But then she hears it. An irregular sound being carried by the air
currents. The sound of shuffling footsteps coming closer.]

[The two women eye the overhead vent nervously. The footsteps are almost
on top of them now. Ritsuko backs away from the vent reaching into her
lab coat for something, when she bumps into something solid. Shrieking,
she turns and thrusts the object, revealed to be a tazer, into the
fleshy mass. Thousands of volts at near dangerous amperages course
through the being as it collapses, quivering with muscle spasms.]

Misato: Ritsuko! It's only Andy!

[Ritsuko releases the trigger only and turns her head to blankly stare
at Misato.]

Misato: Oh, yeah... carry on, Doctor.

[Which she does with uncalled-for enthusiasm until the battery runs out.
Ritsuko casually changes the battery and continues the shock treatment.
This almost continues on into a third battery cell, but Misato, in a
moment of insight, suggests Andy might have had something important to
say.]

Misato: (after getting one of Ritsuko's looks) Well, he might....

Ritsuko: (into her own Mini-MAGI) Report in.

Asuka: No sign of Shinji anywhere down here.

Makoto: Negative contact. All sensors are activated on this level.

[Several seconds of silence.]

Ritsuko: Genoni, report!

Andy: Ugh (groans as he sits up) That's what I came back to tell you.

[Andy reaches picks up the object he dropped and sets it on the briefing
room table. It's a modified blowtorch fashioned into a crude
flamethrower.]

Andy: The North tunnel of the second junction looked a little suspicious
so we decided to split up.

Ritsuko: You mean you ran off and left John in the junction before he
could object.

Andy: (making a brushing off hand gesture) Details. John took the
West tunnel, but when the North and West tunnels joined at the third
junction, all I found was this (gestures to the flamethrower). No
Shinji, no John, nothing.

Ritsuko: John didn't have a flamethrower, Mucha. It's not his style.
And besides, I'm tracking John on the floor above us moving around right
now with... you?

[All three look at the schematic of the tunnel system with a blinking
dot clearly labeled John. Behind him is another blinking dot that trails
behind a few paces.]

Andy: (into his Mini-MAGI) John, he's right behind you!

John: That's preposterous, I know for a fact that Shinji isn't behind
me.

Andy: There's a... a DOT right behind you!

John: Gee, that's fucking informative!

Andy: Okay.... There's THE DOT right behind you!

John: < -_- > ...

Andy: Snaaaake! I mean, Joooohn!

John: I found the vendor in the West tunnel, you doofus. I've been
looking for a way out since you ditched me!

Misato: How is he?

John: Jibbering like a auctioneer on crack. He's very disoriented, but
insists he hasn't been anally raped by any strange creatures. He's very
adamant on that point.

[...]

Ritsuko: < o_0 > Ooooooookay... did you ask him that specific question?

John: No, he just blurted it out while we were walking back to the main
shaft.

Vendor: (faintly) Ahhh! Shaft! No!

John: < ^_^ > I'm going to work a little therapy on him and let him go.
I'll be back in the briefing room in five minutes.

[John clicks off and his dot continues moving for the main vent shaft.
The three adults in the room are left to ponder this new data. After a
moment, Misato snaps her fingers and points at Andy.]

Misato: Ha, told ya!

----------

[Near the main shaft.]

John: (pulling out his neurolizer) Have you ever seen one of these
things?

Vendor: NO! NEVER! NOTHING WHATSOEVER IN THAT KIND OF SHAPE!

John: This is a neurolizer, it'll create a flash of light that stim-
ulates parts of the brain, mostly those that pertain to memory. Now the
cool thing about it is that it also makes the mind more susceptible to
filling in the gaps created. I could flash you with this and give you
any story I wanted. Case in point, you've had a very bad morning. 
< ^_^ > Johnny's going to make it all better.

Vendor: Huh?

[Flash.]

John: Damn man! You are lucky to be alive!

Vendor: I am?

John: Of course! You weren't paying attention when you were re-stocking
the Dew and the entire shipment blew up! Blasted you up through the
ceiling! Boy, when I found you, you were covered in syrup not to mention
all of those cans all over the place! I wouldn't have been surprised if
you dry-swallowed one on the wrong end!

Vendor: Yeah... I should be more careful from now on.

John: < ^_^ > Glad to hear it. Go clean yourself up and take the rest of
the day off. And take a shower or ten.

[John leads the vendor to the elevator and sends him to the surface.
After the lift doors close, John shudders.]

----------

[An hour later.]

Ritsuko: Every sensor in the GeoFront is on and we still can't find
Shinji! Four more women are missing, Jared and Toji are still
unaccounted for, Rei hasn't come back yet, Gendo hasn't said a fucking
word all day, and John STILL HASN'T GIVEN ME BACK MY NOTEBOOK!

John: (right behind Ritsuko, casually) Rant when you're alone Rit-chan,
it's more dignified.

Ritsuko: (leaping at John) RRRAAAARRRGHH!!!

Misato: (rubbing her forehead) I hope Shinji's all right.

[Presently, the doors to the briefing room open up revealing Jared, Rei,
and Toji. The action in the room is interrupted for all to stare at the
long absent Goon. The Stooge looks worse for wear, but is both alive and
intact. Rei, completely unruffled, is holding several movie tickets in
one hand. And Jared is taking in the scene cautiously.]

[Misato is sitting on in the back of the room with Makoto, apparently
discussing something. Asuka, paused mid-swing, is wielding a large
hammer. Andy takes advantage of the break in beatings to escape to the
other side of the room. Ritsuko, having temporarily stopped trying to
simultaneously bash John's head against the table and choke the life out
of him, is left in a rather compromising position, straddled over the
youngest Goon.]

Jared: (in cool-customer voice) I... hope I'm interrupting something.

Andy: Where the hell have you been?!

Jared: < ^_^ > Training Toji. The details, of course, are
confidential... so I can't tell you any more.

Misato: Shinji's gone crazy and we need to find him. Have you seen him?

Jared: Yes.

[Everyone in the room does a double-take.]

Andy: Pardon?

Jared: I found Shinji on the surface coming back to NERV. I took him
back to Misato's place and Kaji's taking care of him right now. Little
tyke was sleeping when I left him.

Ritsuko: There's something you're not telling us.


[Flashback]

[Jared is at the foot of a dark alleyway. The scent of Dew has led him
this far, so he continues on. As his eyes accustom themselves from the
bright sunny day to the dark shadows, Jared beholds a rather messy
scene. Shinji lays half buried under ten women in various stages of
violent undress. Bits of shredded uniform are stuck to the building
walls and everything is coated in a sticky green goo. Everyone seems to
be alive but completely spent from the game of syrup twister; and
_everyone_ has an unmistakable grin on their face.]

[End flashback]


Jared: (lying) No, that's about all there is to the story.

Ritsuko: (thinking) He's lying, I know it!

Jared: (thinking) They're on to me. Play it cool. Think! What would
James do....

Misato: I gotta get home and check on Shinji. He may need medical
attention.

Asuka: I'm coming too.

Misato: You have a synch test in fifteen minutes, you're staying here.

Asuka: Screw the damn test! I'm coming with you!

[Asuka stomps out of the room ending further argument. Misato sighs and
wearily follows. Toji and Rei leave to prepare for their synch tests
shortly after and Makoto gets up and heads for the control room leaving
Ritsuko, still on John, and the Three Goons.]

John: Not that I'm complaining, Rit-chan, but when are you going to get
off?

[Ritsuko smiles sweetly at her enemy, then pulls out the tazer from her
lab coat and uses it. Andy and Jared wisely decide to leave the two
alone.]

----------

[Gendo's Office, 3:45 pm.]

[Ritsuko is standing at attention in front of Gendo's desk, Kozo is in
his usual position, and Gendo is doing his damn hand thing again.]

Fuyutsuki: Unit-07 will arrive tonight under the cover of darkness. Is
the cage ready?

Ritsuko: Yes.

Fuyutsuki: Also, the Super Solenoid engines have arrived from America.

Gendo: How long will it take to retrofit our Evas with the new cores?

Ritsuko: I can't say for certain right now. It depends on how fast the
Evangelions take in the cores, if they even do. Maybe an hour, maybe a
week, maybe a month.

Gendo: Well, the clock is ticking, Doctor. I suggest you get to work.

Ritsuko: (eyebrow twitching) Yes, Sir.

[Ritsuko turns to leave regardless of whether she's been dismissed or
not.]

Fuyutsuki: How is The Angel Compatibility Project going, Doctor?

[Mid-stride, Ritsuko halts. Her shoulders quiver in anger for a few
short seconds while she regains her control. She only turns her head
enough for the two men to see the smile she has been working on. An...
interesting evil smile; sort of a deranged Mary Poppins grin that
promises unprecedented violations. John is the ideal target, of course,
but a test is necessary. Gendo hides under his desk immediately, Kozo
diving for cover behind the Commander's chair. Ritsuko's expression
changes to a wicked, but satisfied, smirk.]

Gendo: (after Ritsuko leaves) That crazy bitch is getting out of control
and it's all those American's fault.

Fuyutsuki: Maybe if you weren't more or less directly responsible for
her mother's downfall and death, she'd be more stable.

Gendo: Can it. At least she's targeting Genoni now, I couldn't stand her
stalking anymore. She's one psycho you don't want after you.

----------

[That evening.]

[Ritsuko is on her fifth shift, and it's only Monday. She is standing in
a catwalk over what appears be an Eva cage. Before here, things appear
to be going well. From the clipboard full of reports detailing the
successful installation of S2 cores on the existing Evangelions, one
would assume things are going well. The fact that Unit-07 (a visual
duplicate of Unit-03 from NGE) is being strapped into the next cage over
_should_ be the icing on the cake.]

[Heavy emphasis on the 'should.']

[Where Ritsuko is standing, past twenty armored and individually locked
doors, beyond two hundred elite armed guards and the most sophisticated
intrusion detection systems in existence, there is silence. There is
also a giant proto-Evangelion being bathed in LCL. The light is dim
here, perhaps onimously, perhaps to keep certain details of this new
beast hidden from even those who work on it.]

[Such as the lone technician who approaches Ritsuko.]

Tech #989: All of the parts for the armor is completed, but we can't
put it on until we know the systems and the wiring. When are you going
to give us the needed documents?

[Ritsuko's hands tighten around the steel guardrail, eliciting a squeal
from the metal. But the Random Tech doesn't notice, for he is too busy
clawing at the invisible hand crushing his throat. Doctor Akagi glares
harshly at the young man; the tech's face is blue when Rit-chan decides
he has learned his lesson and releases him.]

Ritsuko: Get out of my sight.

[The technician makes tracks.]

Ritsuko: (seething) Genoni....


           --------------------------------------------------

                              TITLE FLASH:

                           Three Goons in Eva
                               Episode 7

                      Rebirth of a Fallen Angel /
                       "Yes, Ellen, there are..."

           --------------------------------------------------


[6:30 am, The Goons Apartment.]

[It is too damn early for anyone in their early twenties to be active,
much less awake. But all three of the Goons are holding a conference at
the kitchen table. Cups of their special blend of coffee are almost
empty, indicating that at least some time has gone by since the start.]

Jared: And that brings us to the Children.

Andy: I think that we should keep things "as is" for a little bit. Then
switch off again.

Jared: How is my goddess doing, Genoni?

John: I wouldn't know. Yesterday was spent fixing her head and getting
Shinji a spine. I didn't get to any training yet.

Andy: Ha!

John: You're one to speak, Mucha, all you did was have my dearest hold
your place to buy tickets to mecha anime. And Jared won't spill on what
he did with Toji, or even where he was all day.

Jared: You three lack discipline, I could defeat you all without
breaking a sweat.

Andy: (rising) Is that a challenge?!

John: Down boy.

Andy: (ignoring John in full Vegeta-style swing) I could easily destroy
you and your pathetic girlfriend!

Jared: (over-dramatically) You insult my goddess's honor and mine, foul
beast!

[Much nay-say and name-calling continues.]

James: There they go again....

John: It's not even seven yet.... Wait a minute, Andy? (polite pause,
then Demon-head mode) ANDY!!!

Andy: AAHH!

John: Just how strong are you?

Andy: I AM THE STRONGEST OF ALL SAIYAJINS!

John: How strong?

Andy: (glare) I said. I am. The strongest. Of all.

John: Jared, power level?

Jared: I can't be less than.... This is Eva, we don't have any kind of
reference to DBZ. We may be in the hundreds or maybe in the thousands.

Andy: Ha! Try millions!

James: God, I hope not.

Jared: We need a way to gauge our power levels. Some kind of anime
standard.

Andy: (Piccolo-style) The MOON!

James: I'm kind of glad you put up that sound-proofing, otherwise the
entire building would have your heads.

Jared: (as if to a child) Andy, the Dragonball moon is made out of
dynamite, anyone can blow it up.

John: We need a definite power level and a readily available target.

Andy: Piccolo Diaomah was at 260 when he blew up most of the island the
tournament was on. But since we're so much more powerful than him, I
don't see how--

John: An island will do fine. There should still be some in the South
Pacific that nobody will miss.

Jared: Wait, what are you planning?

John: The three of us are going to the South Pacific to try to blow up
some islands. If we can do so without Kaiokens at moderate difficulty,
then we know we're at least around 300.

Jared: And if we blow up the world?!

John: Guys, try to be realistic. We only learned how to perform ki
blasts not more than a week ago. We are not anywhere in the thousands.
Trust me the world will be in no greater danger in a half hour than it
is right now. Come on, I want to be back before Shinji and Asuka leave.
And don't forget to bring James along.

Jared: Wait one damn minute! You?! Suggesting we BLOW SOMETHING UP?!

Andy: Yeah, that's usually my line.

John: Being the straight guy gets boring after a while, anyway, we're
not going to be able to do much of anything until we have a rough
estimate of our power level. So let's go.

[John leaves the table and exits to the balcony where he perches on the
guard rail standing up. Jared straps James to his wrist and follows Andy
out of the apartment. The Goons fly off towards the sunrise, eager to
test their power levels....]

----------

[An hour later that morning, the Goons return to their apartment. John
seems rather satisfied with himself, while Andy is dejected and Jared is
pensive. Satellite photos will find three islands missing in the South
Pacific later in the day, but apparently, it took all they had to
complete the deed. So while they estimated their levels to be a mere
300, that was still thirty times that of the average bystander.]

[But all is not well in La Casa Del Goon. After closing the curtains to
the balcony, the Goons set the AI known as James Rahn on the kitchen
table.]

Jared: I can't believe you said that back there.

John: Andy'll be scarred for days.

Andy: (frowning at the watch) ...

Jared: We are trying to avoid the 'Eva Effect,' as John insist upon
calling it.

James: So?

Jared: You have to be punished, then you won't say such things again.

James: Oh, boo hoo. (sarcasm evident) You can't hurt me, I'm a piece of
binary code. I can't feel pain.

Andy: He has a point.

Jared: (dramatic pointing) Foolish Rahn! I am your creator! I know your
weaknesses, your fears, your nightmares!

James: Bah! You don't scare me.

John: We have plenty of refrigerator magnets.

Jared: No good, this thing isn't effected by magnetism.

James: Ha!

John: Fine, as punishment we're transferring you to a kitchen appliance.

Jared: What's that gonna do?

John: He can't download porn from the Internet then.

Andy: I thought Jared disabled his Internet connectors.

John: Andy, please, this is Jared. James can't upload into any device
without us, but do you really think Jared is going to even
subconsciously eliminate the best search engine imaginable?

Jared: I think I've been insulted.

[John grabs James and walks into the kitchen. He looks around at the
various modern conveniences before settling on one device.]

James: What are you going to do? NO! NOT THAT! AAAIIEEE!!!

----------

[The Goons decide that it is about time they start their day. Beginning
at Misato's place next door. John rings the bell, but Jared greets the
host.]

Jared: Good Morning, [Shin-ji].

[Author's note: This is a key line and bracketing style found in Point
Blank Assassin, an Impromanga created by Susan Ching.]

Shinji: (blink) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (runs away)

John: (sighs) I told you not to do that, [Jar-ed]. [An-dy], I leave
Rei-sama in your hands. Good luck to both of you, [Gentle-men].

[John enters Misato's apartment, leaving the other two Goons in the
hallway, trying to figure out how to pronounce [Jo-hn] and not sound
like they're autistic. At length they turn to the elevator to pick up
their charges. Meanwhile, John waves to Misato as he finds the
Children's rooms. He stops at Asuka's first and knocks.]

Asuka: Don't come in here!

[John opens the door anyway, but complies by staying in the hallway.
Asuka screams "pervert" and throws a pillow at John's face. He dodges it
and is about to speak when Asuka throws the next closest object.]

[John catches the object and examines it casually. In his hand is a
small simple remote control, colored pink with a toggle button and a
small dial. There is a cord extending from the device back to Asuka's
bed under her sheets. John resists the urge to smirk, and with Herculean
effort, keeps his face neutral even as Asuka is blushing five shades
more red than her hair. Feigning curiosity, John thumbs the dial seven
clicks to the right until a buzzing noise can be heard by normal ears
from underneath the Second Child's covers. The adolescent's reaction is
oddly not screaming and violence, but crossing her eyes and drooling.]

[But, bastard that he is, John taps the power button and addresses the
young teen. Asuka's face is half humiliation, "What the fuck are you
doing in my room?!" and half indignation, "How dare you stop!".]

John: We're going to the beach today, so don't forget to bring your
swimsuit. You have a half hour to get ready. (kicks in Asuka's pillow
and closes the door)

Asuka: (from behind the door) I HATE YOU! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! DIE!

John: (thinking to himself) I'm getting that a lot these days.

[Turning and without knocking, John opens Shinji's door. There's his
bed, his dresser, an open window, the Unfamiliar Ceiling, and a large
cardboard box with a badly drawn house and "Ikari House" scrawled on the
sides. "I mustn't run away" can be heard being chanted from inside.]

John: < -_-;;; > ... (Chris Tucker-style) Oh hell no.

[With a Mighty Kick, John sends the cardboard construction out the open
window, leaving just Shinji huddled on the floor, still chanting.]

John: Hey, Ace.

[Shinji looks up, then around confused.]

John: I kicked it out the window, don't worry about it.

Shinji: WHAT?! Do you know how hard it was to make that?

John: I've seen the anime, it takes five minutes.

Shinji: (looking a little sheepish) What do you want?

John: Today is the day we begin training, remember? You and Asuka are
mine, for now at least. So get ready, wear something durable, but that
you won't mind getting scorched off your body. And bring something to
swim in, we're going to the beach.

Shinji: Why the beach?

John: Kamehamehas. Thirty minutes, then we leave.

----------

[Misato's apartment, 45 minutes later.]

[The two kids and Misato are finishing up a simple breakfast. Misato is
still in her "off-duty" clothes, since (she claims) she has a late shift
today. John is meditating Piccolo-style in the main room, hovering in a
lotus position four feet above the floor. However with the couch between
him and the tenants, nothing appears out of the ordinary.]

John: (standing) Off your rear and grab your gear. We've already missed
the train, I'll have to drive us to the beach.

Misato: Oh, you guys are going to the beach? I thought you guys were
supposed to be training.

John: The beach is an ideal place to train. Besides, these two missed
out on Okinawa.

Shinji: John-senpai said we'd be learning Kamehamehas.

Asuka: (eagerly) Really?

John: It's too soon for you two to learn the Kamehameha. Either way, you
would first need to learn it in your Evas and those are being refitted.

Shinji: But you said--

John: I said the beach is a good spot for Kamehamehas, _my_ Kamehamehas.
You two will be working on much-needed basics. I know Andy hasn't done
crap for Shinji in technique or stratagem.

Asuka: I already know the basics, I'm ready for anything you got.

John: We'll see.... Misato, we're leaving now.

Misato: Can you wait fifteen more minutes?

Shinji: You're coming too?

Misato: Why not? I do have a responsibility over you two--

John: And don't want to transfer said responsibility over to a noted
psychopath, even for the day. Or... is it just the beach and you're
pulling rank as an excuse.

Misato: (mumble mumble)

John: (sigh) Fifteen minutes.

Misato: Yosh! (runs to her room)

[Thirty minutes later.]

Misato: Sorry, sorry.

----------

[The Goons/Misato's Apartment parking garage, first level.]

[Misato stands frozen in the parking lot. Her lips are working silently,
perhaps praying, perhaps whispering sweet nothings to the silver
automobile parked next to hers.]

John: Sorry I parked next to you, Mis-chan. It was the only spot.

Misato: ...

John: Mis-chan, you there?

Misato: Andy has an Ferrari F40....

John: Exotic, but fast and stylish... yes.

Misato: Jared somehow got a classic Chevelle SS....

John: Brutish, loud, but with nostalgic class... yes.

Misato: But _you_ didn't go for some loud muscle car....

John: Just between you and me, I'm actually a Cadillac man. But with the
size of Japanese parking spots? I don't think so.

Misato: So instead, you get a _silver_ 1965 Astin Martin DB5....

John: (correcting) Metallic Silver Birch actually. (rhetorically) What
red-blooded American male wouldn't want one?

Asuka: (from behind) HOLY SHIT! THAT'S JAMES BOND'S FUCKING CAR!

Misato: (turning to face John directly) Genoni....

John: Hmm--urk!

Misato: (now holding John's shirt in two fists) I'm only going to say
this once.

John: (nods dumbly) ...

Misato: (suddenly groveling on her knees) I need a new car! Please, I
don't care how you do it. I'll do _anything_ for a new car!

John: (mentally entertaining the possibilities) Leave a request on my
desk tonight and I'll see what I can do. But the beach, she calls to me.
Mis-chan?

Misato: Hmm?

John: (pointing) Shotgun. Kids, in the back. Move it, I have roadways to
conquer and you slo-mos just put rush hour between me and my fun.

[Everyone eventually gets in the vehicle after stowing their gear in the
trunk. John switches with his sunglasses, keeping his eyes casually
hidden from the passengers.]

Shinji: Genoni-senpai?

John: (adjusting a pair of leather driving gloves) John.

Shinji: John-san.

John: (hidden glare) Go back to Genoni-senpai.

Asuka: Just ask the question!

Shinji: This is just the same model as James Bond's car, right? It
doesn't really have the rockets and ejector seats and all the gadgets,
does it?

John: (ignoring Shinji) That's an interesting question, but next time
speak up a little bit and submit it in writing.

Shinji: < o_O > That... doesn't make any sense.

Misato: (nervously looking at her seat) You didn't answer the question.

John: (starting the car) You noticed?

[Whatever John has under the hood, it definitely wasn't available in the
60's. He quickly pulls into the lane, lining himself up to leave the
apartment building and lets the engine hum for a few seconds.]

John: (kissing the steering wheel) Yesss, my preciousss. Jealousss they
are. Yesss.

[John glances at Misato as she nervously grabs at whatever she can to
brace herself. Another glance into the rear-view mirror reveals the
Children holding onto the seats in front of them. They may be used to
Misato's driving, but John is scary enough when he's staying still. With
a wandering finger, John activates the music player and selects James
Bond's Theme from the holo display. The youngest Goon absorbs the music
for a few seconds before shifting to drive and making his bid for King
of the Road.]

----------

[The Beach, a frighteningly short time later.]

[A silver bullet streaks down the lanes of the nearest parking lot
until, in a sudden spin, the car slides laterally into a parallel
parking spot.]

["_Route_ 125? I thought that was a speed limit sign."]

John: (Ace Ventura-style) Llliiike a glove.

Three Ghost-White Japanese: ...

John: Now see, guys, that's your problem. (hypocrite-mode) You spend so
much time indoors and underground you get pale. What you need is some
fun in the sun! (gets out of the car and stretches)

Misato: C-c-c-can w-w-w-we t-t-t-t-t-take th-the b-b-bus b-b-b-back?

John: Nonsense! We won't be in a rush on the way home. So....

[John pauses to inspect the troops. They are shaken, but recovering from
the ordeal well.]

["Honestly officer, I thought those speed limits were in miles per
hour."]

[Shinji's ever-present dress shirt is unbuttoned, hanging loose above a
pair of blue shorts. He is retrieving various items from the trunk of
John's Astin Martin. Items such as Misato's cooler and Asuka's and his
duffel bags, trying to calm his NERVes with menial labor. Misato, in a
daring black strapless one-piece covered by a pair of cut-off jeans and
wrinkled white tank top, is searching her bag for some sunglasses while
occasionally frowning at her small cooler. Asuka is smiling at the ocean
through her shades as if this whole trip was her idea. She has her red
and white striped bikini on underneath a faded yellow tank top and
cut-off jeans, similar to Misato.]

[Asuka turns back to John and scowls; she still hasn't forgiven the
21-year-old for opening her bedroom door.]

Asuka: (thinking) And besides, how can he possibly stand wearing that
Hawaiian shirt and those neon green shorts? Is he trying to blind every
one on this side of Japan?

John: No Asuka, but if you forgot, this is standard beach wear for
college students.

Asuka: (thinking) What, can he read my mind now?

John: Yes.

Asuka: ...

Shinji: Yes what?

John: Yes, you guys can go play on the beach for a while. Don't tire
yourselves out though.

Asuka: Bah! (runs off, shedding her outer layers) Come on Shinji, move
your ass!

Shinji: Coming!

John: (after a few seconds) You, of course, can do whatever you want
to tire yourself out, Mis-chan.

Misato: (smirking as she pulls off her shirt) Dream on, kid.

John: Plan to.

Misato: (unbuttoning her shorts) I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

John: (leering) Only every train of thought in my head. (normal) I just
have to go a little easier on them now that they have supervision.

Misato: So what _are_ you planning?

John: Sore wa himitsu desu, Mis-chan. Go. Play.

Misato: Not so fast. You owe me a six-pack.

John: (East Europe accent) Pa-leaze, I play zee video games. Joo are
more shakeen zan your beer. ("yoink"s one of Misato's beers and opens it
without a mess) See? (normal voice as he sips his stolen beer) Now play.

[Author's note: If you don't catch the obscure reference, don't feel
_too_ bad.]

[Misato smirks and jogs with a large bounce in her step down the beach.
It takes John a moment to stanch his nosebleed, put his eyes back in
their sockets, and brush the sand from his jaw before he comments
intelligently.]

John: < 0_0 > ... (blink)

[Well stated, Shakespeare.]

[After making sure he is alone with his car, John grabs his own large
duffel bag and unzips it. A disoriented thing the size of a toddler
rolls out of the bag and takes a few awkward steps on the sand.]

John: Sorry, Pen-Pen, I told you smuggling wasn't my specialty. Anyway,
have some fun.

Pen^2: Qwark.

----------

[On a different beach, on a different island, with different people....
Very different people.]

[Andy is in his "uniform", which was almost the exact thing John is
wearing but with a different color scheme. Rei is in a white gi with a
black belt over a simple white one-piece swimsuit as she stands at
attention before the pacing maniac.]

Andy: You may have completed the first test, Ayanami. But I am still not
sure that you're prepared to learn from my teaching....

[As Andy's voice drones out into the background, Rei recalls earlier
advice.]


Jared: (voice over) Half of Andy's ammunition, verbal and physical, is
blanks. He's a master of misdirection. Most of the time his delusional
antics are part of an act to throw people off. And don't be fooled by
his apparent lack of aim. He can't hit the broad side of a barn, until
it needs to count. Andy is more than he seems.

John: (voice over) He'll rant, he'll rave, and then he'll show no mercy.
With Andy, he hates subtly; the polite response is the wrong response.
If he starts going off on Mecha, ignore him, he's not a threat, don't
attack or you'll just piss him off. But when he starts acting like he's
Vegeta, you have to strike while he's on his power trip for the best
results. I highly recommend lumber, it may not faze him anymore, but
it'll give him some focus. Of course, you're on your own after that.
Andy is more than he seems, remember.


[Andy continues to play the part of a more-powerful-than-thou
instructor, but Rei is watching him closely, recognizing the behavioral
cues. Soon he will drift into plans for his revenge of the Psycho
Sensei, which would lead to how to take over the world with his friends,
naturally followed by how to bump off said friends, finally culminating
in his ascension to the throne of Lord of the Universe, or something
like that. If Rei doesn't act before the finale to his "Lord of the
Universe" speech, he will simply throw his hands helplessly in the air
and assign some useless task to his charge (calling the orders
"training"), while he wanders off and yells and screams in a bizarre
ritual designed to somehow increase his power.]

[Picking up a large piece of drift wood, Rei patiently waits for her
chance. Andy skips the Psycho Sensei part for some reason, ranting about
how someone of his "noble Saiyajin blood" shouldn't have to bother with
low-class soldiers and their dolls. Rei finds herself rather annoyed
with that remark.]

Rei: (taps Andy's shoulder while his back is turned) i am not a doll.

Andy: (turning) Well you sure fooled m--OOF! (after Rei rams the small
log into his stomach) URK! (after Rei breaks said log over Andy's head)

[Rei almost follows through with an axe-kick but Andy palm blasts in her
general direction forcing her to dodge behind some nearby rocks for
cover.]

Andy: (trying to rise dramatically) That... that CLONE! (smirk) Somebody
told on me....

[Andy rises from the ground and flies after the retreating half-breed,
firing energy dans in random directions.]

[Author's note: energy dans are rapid-fire shots known for their pretty
explosions but piss-poor reliability in doing anything more than
reshaping the landscape. For reference, see many, many, MANY parts of
Dragonball Z.]

----------

[Deep in a Misty Forest outside of Tokyo-3.]

[Toji stands at a ready position while Jared paces around the small
clearing. Both Toji and Jared are wearing black gi, but the belt
difference is scary. Jared's belt resembles a patchwork piece of
material with its huge number of multi-color stripes (from various
disciplines, one would hope). Toji's belt is plain white--a fact the
newest Eva pilot complained about for approximately 0.04 seconds after
receiving it.]

Jared: Excellent, Toji. Now that you've memorized the Hagakure, I have
some more training for you.

Toji: What is it this time?

Jared: See that wooden post there, with the rope wrapped around the top
part? I want you to put on these wrist weights and punch that post 2000
times as fast as you can. I'll be providing motivation with this 2x4...
and don't mind the nails. Err... you've had your tetanus shot, right?

Toji: < o_0; > This is your training?!

Jared: (Fist of Manly Determination) Foolish boy! This is only the
BEGINNING! (ticking points off with his fingers) Once we're done with
this we'll round out the day with target practice and PT. Tomorrow we'll
start to work on kicks and traps. Next week we start pain tolerance.
(glances at Toji) What?

Toji: < 0_0;;; > ... Err, nothing. (thinking) This training is insane!
First he takes that metal beam to the head while we're sparring... and
he's still winning with only one finger, and now this! It's like he's
trying to turn me into a martial arts death machine! (a Beginner's Evil
Grin stakes a claim on Toji's face)

[A haggard chibi-Andy interrupts the scene by pushing a large black
board into the scene. Upon the board is written "Yesterday's Training"
in both Kanji and English..]

[Cut to yesterday, filmed in Home Movie Camera style. Jared and Toji
jump into frame, landing lightly in the middle of the construction yard
of block 21-A. A large truck is parked nearby, loaded with a half dozen
very large steel I-beams. The crane parked in the lot's corner is
unloading the truck one beam at a time. The crane is moving one such
beam through the air as Jared and Toji duel on the ground below.
Suddenly, the beam begins to tilt. Some of the workers shout warning,
but it is too late. The beam comes loose from its harness without
further warning, landing end-on upon Jared's head.]

[The Goon pauses for a moment, then shakes his head to dislodge the
object.]

Toji: < 0_0 > Dude?

Jared: What?

Toji: < 0_0; > Are you okay?

Jared: Perfectly.

[Jared resumes his attacks, easily batting around the stunned Suzuhara
kid.]

[The scene returns to the present, with chibi-Andy pushing his
blackboard out of the way before the scene picks up with Jared's
"thoughts."]

Jared: (thinking) Excellent; the spirit of kicking ass has invaded his
soul.

[Dark lightning clashes in the background, and the ominous thunder rolls
as a figure hidden in the shadows looks on....]

----------

[Kaji's office.]

[Given that the man is rarely seen, his office looks every part the
temporary quarters of a triple-agent. The man himself is hunching over
some documents. Closer inspection reveals them to be a transcript of a
conversation between Misato and some security officer:]


    Misato: And where the hell was Jared yesterday?

    Security guy: He was in town. They're rebuilding block 21-A
    and he wandered into the construction zone with that Suzuhara
    kid. Those two kicked up quite a ruckus.

    Misato: I hope only one person was hurt....

    Security: Yes ma'am, an I-beam came loose from its carry and
    hit Waddell in the head dead on. The agents on scene said he
    shook it off like a light punch and continued to spar with
    Suzuhara. They move out of the area at a jog. Almost like some
    insane PT....


Kaji: (stretching) Those guys are out of this world.

[Oh, the irony.]

[Kaji presses a button on his cell phone.]

Ritsuko: (from phone) Moshi moshi.

Kaji: Ah, Rit-chan, you sound like you got some sleep last night.

Ritsuko: Do I?

Kaji: Your voice is beautiful any time of the day.

Ritsuko: Is there something you want, Ryoji?

Kaji: Do you know where Jared--

Ritsuko: Was yesterday? Yes. The real question would be where you were.

Kaji: I was out of town.

Ritsuko: What do you really want right now, Kaji?

Kaji: I think it's in both our interests to know--

Ritsuko: Waddell and Suzuhara are in the forest _with_ their mini-MAGIs
this time. Mucha and Ayanami are offshore on a small useless volcanic
island. And ... (spits out the name like a curse) Genoni is with Misato
and the other two kids on the beach.

Kaji: Mis-chan's on the beach?

Ritsuko: She called a little while ago, she wanted me to relay to you
that she's wearing that black number from your February '07 beach party.

Kaji: < @_@ > ... She still has that one?

Ritsuko: (from the cell phone now laying on the desk) Apparently. Though
why she would wear it while the kids are training is beyond me.
Especially since she was banned as a traffic hazard from wearing it in
Osaka. Anyway... Kaji? ... Are you there? (sigh)

[Click. Dial tooo~ooone....]

----------

[The Beach.]

[A light wind skims across the sand, enough to rustle some stray hairs,
but not kick the sand into anyone's face. Populated at any time by a
scant percentage of Tokyo-3, the strip of white sand and clear water has
only a few beach-goers this morning. It is sheer beauty at this moment,
the nearest clouds well off shore, picking up their load of evaporation
for the evening rain.]

[Of the beach's few trespassers, the residents of Apartment 723 are
trying to enjoy their brief respite in attacks and training. Shinji is
wading in the shallows, mindful of the undertows, but still letting the
steady waves lull him to relaxing. Asuka is playfully spending her
youthful energy skipping along the waterline, before rushing at the
water, diving into a wave, then wading back and repeating the process.
Misato is stretched out on her beach towel soaking in the rays, having
passed off the honor and privilege of oiling her back to a stammering
youth that walked by. And then, as always, there is the American....]

[Self-declared (derisive snort) Zen Master John Genoni is meditating on
a large beach towel seated in a lotus position. Deep in concentration,
his face is twisted into a scowl as he ponders great mysteries and
visualizes various attack patterns. In his mind, he is battling a
faceless opponent; mimicking great anime battles he's witnessed before
living the Eva experience. Fighting midair above a frozen wasteland, the
battle goes both ways several times until both fighters are distracted,
but only one dissipates.]

[Far below on the frozen mental landscape a small black dot is slowly
moving along, singing to itself. The Mental John flies down to meet the
interloper of his most personal space and is rather shocked to see
Pen-Pen waddling along.]

Pen^2: (humming to the tune of "Strangers in the Night") Doo-bee doo-bee
doo....

[Needless to say, the look John gives the freshwater penguin is one of
confusion wrapped in perplexing paper with a nice vexing ribbon.]

Pen^2: (in Rei's voice) slide.

[The sea bird then does so down a slope that wasn't there before.]

John: ...

[If that kind of a dream won't wake you up, you're dead.]

[Of course, it's not too easy on the heart if the very same penguin is
looking at you at point blank range.]

John: AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Pen^2: QUUUAAAAAARRRRKK!!!

John: AAAAAAHHHHH!

Pen^2: QUUAAARRRK!

John: (clutching his chest, hyperventilating) DON'T DO THAT!

Pen^2: (angrily) Quark!

John: (blink) ... Note to self... Never drink Misato's beer ever again.
(to Pen-Pen) Shouldn't you be swimming or something?

Pen^2: Quark!

John: What do you mean salt-water dries your skin?! You're covered in
waterproof feathers, you mutant!

Pen^2: Quark?

John: No, I was just thinking, how long it took to manufacture this
beach when the old one is underwater about a mile out.

[The two let their eyes sweep across the nearly empty beach.]

Pen^2: Quark. (shakes his head and waddles off towards the water)

John: (after Pen^2 is gone) Yak. Yak. Yak. That bird just won't shut up.
(checks his watch) Time for their fun to end... and mine to begin.

----------

[The streets of Tokyo-3 have seen many dangers; stomping Angels,
crashing gunships, cars driven by reckless drivers, an ever increasing
number of sidewalk doomsayers... and one Roji Kaji putting the Japanese
Olympic team to shame as he tries to catch a glimpse of Misato in the
swimsuit that is illegal in most of this hemisphere.]

----------

[Meanwhile in the forests outside of the fortress-city, something
dangerous is lurking....]

Jared: Very good, now get up and try again.

Toji: All I was supposed to do was drive the damn robot, that's it.

Jared: < ^_^ > This training is far more necessary than you will ever
know. Simply 'driving the damn robot' could cost you and arm and a
leg... as the saying goes.

Toji: (not noticing his hand twitch) Says you. But I still say that--

Haunting voice from the trees: I spy with my little eye something that
begins with "T".

Jared: (not-at-all-worried) Training?

Voice: Ta-getto.

Toji: I know that voice....

Jared: You should, he's your friend. In fact, he's been tracking us ever
since we passed the first tree.

Kensuke: (still hiding) And to think, I thought I had hid myself well
enough.

Jared: You may be a military Otaku, but you're also a hacker, and we can
smell our own.

Kensuke: (sniffing sounds) Interesting....

Toji: Dude, get the hell out here!

Kensuke: I'm afraid I can't do that, Toji. You see I was preparing for
my own training when you trespassed into my forest. Now, it's too late
for me to help you but you can still help yourselves.

Toji: I don't get it.

Jared: (cocks his head as if listening to something) Kensuke has
prepared death traps that he's forgotten about. (smirking) This entire
forest is booby-trapped, Kensuke is lost, and Toji isn't going to
survive the day.... Well, I've got things to do, you kids have fun.
(flies up, up, and away)

Toji: I really hate that man.

Kensuke: (full camouflage BDU, rising from the ground behind Toji) I'm
beginning to see why.

Toji: AAAH! I hate it when you do that!

Kensuke: < o_o > You should get better at finding people then.

Toji: We'll deal with that later. Are you sure you don't remember where
anything is?

Kensuke: I set up the traps and then hypnotize myself to forget. I
remember this one time at computer camp--

Jared: (from above) Hey! Less talking, more running! KAMEHAMEHA!

Toji: RUN FOR IT!

Kensuke: Not that way!

[Boom.]

----------

[On an island far away, things aren't going much better for Rei, though
she is certainly doing better than Toji and Kensuke.]

[Andy is cautiously walking around the island when he thinks he hears
something and turns sharply. The maneuver kicks a rock in the direction
he was going and comes to rest on a very unsuspicious bed of pebbles.
Unsuspicious, that is, until the bed collapses revealing a large pit.
Turning at the noise Andy moves to the edge and gets on his stomach to
look down into the tiger-trap, allowing a very large boulder to swing
over him, formerly at chest level. This causes him to rise and look up;
his vertical orientation protecting him from another boulder dropping
inches behind him. Startled, he leaps forward over the pit and just
barely under the returning boulder, which crashes into the one that just
fell. Both stones fall into the pit effectively filling it.]

Andy: Note to self: never leave the tapes of the Road Runner
cartoons out in the rec room again.

[Immediately following Andy's resolution, Rei leaps from the one of the
islands many rocky outcroppings, clocks Andy in the jaw with her flying
kick and bounds to safety as Andy blasts everything in sight. One
smoking crater slowly filling with seawater later, Andy continues clone
hunting.]

----------

[Back to the beach, where one spineless wimp and two hot mommas...]

[Please wait while the author takes a cold shower. In the mean time, we
have a brief intermission.]

Chibi-John: Here at Insanity Productions, we try to give you the best
story ideas come to life. Obviously, there are many many misses in this
pursuit. And sometimes there just isn't the time or energy to flesh out
questionable ideas into works we can be proud of.

Chibi-Jared: YOU BASTARDS! YOU NEVER GAVE PULP SIDESTEP A CHANCE!

Chibi-John: And then there's that. Quite frankly Jared has more ideas
than he knows what to do with. Every week, dozens of ideas are
administered euthanasia (shot of Chibi-Andy standing proudly next to a
giant syringe like it was a Pacific Marlin), but you can help.

Chibi-Jared: So please adopt an idea before it's too late.

[Shot of Chibi-Andy with a flame-thrower setting fire to a pile of
papers.]

Chibi-Andy: Burn, you ramblings of a madman, BURN!

Chibi-Jared: Adopt-an-idea, because a like fruit good ideas spoil.

Chibi-Andy: That line sucked.

Chibi-Jared: You have a better one?

Chibi-Andy: (suddenly next to a lever) Yes. Because a mine is a terrible
thing to waste. (pulls the lever)

[Camera pans up to a silhouette of an F-Type Bomber and a sparkle of
light falling slowly from it. Chibi-Andy laughs maniacally while
Chibi-John and Chibi-Jared hummingbird away as fast as their little legs
can carry them.]

[Boom. Whee.]

[Where was I? Oh yeah....]

[Back to the beach, where the trainees (and Misato) have changed into
more durable less revealing clothing. Both the Children have thrown on a
gi, though while Asuka is wearing a nice red one, Shinji is stuck with
white. Misato is in street clothes, much more appropriate for the public
eye and suspiciously well suited for a street brawl.]

John: Thank you for changing, Mis-chan. Not so much for my sake but you
were distracting Shinji. I, after all, have seen you with much less on.
(pause, tumbleweed rolls by) Seventh form of Bhudda, what did I just say
out loud?

[A smirking Asuka waits for Misato to kick the crap out of Genoni.
However, no severe beating, even verbal, is forthcoming. After a moment,
Asuka glances expectantly at Misato, who shrugs.]

[We all know what effect this creates, people. Keep it in your pants.]

Misato: I was young, in college, and needed the money.

[The Second Child pales. John blinks behind his shades.]

John: (thinking) Ooooookay... I wonder if Jared has... no! NO! Why won't
the nightmares stop? WHY? WHY GOD WHY?!!

[John makes fright-filled clawing motions at the sky like a man who is
trying to grasp his sanity out of mid-air and put it back in his
sneakers. No words come from his mouth.]

Shinji: (after several minutes of watching John's performance) Uh,
Senpai?

John: (blinking back to reality) Hai?

Shinji: Are you ok?

John: (letting arms rest at sides) Of course I am.

Shinji: < o_o; > Oh.

John: Very well, Maggots... (glances at Misato, counts on his fingers)
and Pencil-neck.

Misato: Pencil-necks are lieutenants. Majors are excused from such
designations.

John: That hole... the one you put pies in? No, the other one, you know,
on your head. Shut it.

Misato: Enjoying yourself, Genoni-san?

John: (ignoring the remark) Well I could have you run for warm ups but
the Author is in the gutter so let's avoid the issue when we can.

[A lone ceiling tile falls from space and breaks over John's head. A
panicky passerby starts screaming about the sky falling and runs off.
The Fourth Wall is quickly repaired.]

Asuka: So are we gonna get started or are we just going to stand around
all day?

John: (eye twitch) What the hell does Jared see in you that I don't? I
mean, really! Well, I'll tell you one thing, if he ever found out you
could only handle level 3, he'd--

Asuka: (leaping forward) YOU DIE NOW!

[With her usual and sadly predictable flair for violence Asuka charges
the Goon in the Japanese tradition of kami--That's so damn cliché, I'm
offended _for_ you. Asuka was goaded into attacking John, got it? Let me
skip to the good part.]

[--misses that bemused smirk yet again.]

Asuka: Fight back, damn y--URK!

[John grabs Asuka's collar and easily lifts the German quarter-breed off
the sand.]

John: I think that's just about enough from you for now.

[The Goon's fist flares with violet energy before bathing Asuka in it.
All that is visible is John, a red gi, and violet flames blazing from
every collar in the outfit. Needless to say, when the light show ends,
Asuka decides to take a nap. John is fully prepared to offer a witty
one-liner about baptisms and fire, but Shinji finds his spine and rushes
in. He is too late to save, but early enough to avenge Asuka's latest
defeat.]

[John is pushed back briefly as the younger pilot lays into him with a
kicking combo express shipped straight from Korea. The assault is halted
when the boy tries for a jump kick and John snags his ankle, flinging
him a dozen feet away. Shinji quickly regains his footing, guard up, but
pauses when he sees he is not under attack already. John stands in place
calmly, before raising two fingers into the air.]

[Then John's attack strikes, ki exploding beneath Shinji. The Eva pilot
and a large gout of sand is thrown into the air, Shinji landing not far
from Asuka, quickly choosing to join her in La-la Land.]

[Misato's patience finally goes out of the window. Having Shinji fall
prey to a literal land mine, weather ki based or not, lethal or not, is
too much. Fortunately, her cooler is close by....]

----------

[Meanwhile, where Andy has dodged more death traps than the Road
Runner.]

[Apparently the strain has cracked the poor boy... or things are back to
normal. In either case, he is randomly blasting objects left and right,
spying a glimpse of white here or there, and cutting loose with a Gallat
Gun. Once recent shot has just sheared off the top of the island's
largest hill.]

Rei: (coming out of hiding from the other direction) this is a volcanic
island, baka.

Andy: How dare you insult me, clone!

Rei: (huff) get over it. this island doesn't have much time left.

Andy: Ha! As a Master of Destruction I'd say this island has five
minutes left. And none of those DBZ minutes that take hours to go
through. And since only one of us can fly, this is where we part ways,
student!

[Andy takes to the air and floats up to a reasonable altitude to view
the results of his carelessness. Once he stops, he then that he realizes
that Rei is stubbornly hanging onto his leg, instead of being chased by
lava and hot gases. Andy prepares a Gallat Gun for the stowaway....]

Rei: you're going to blast your own foot off just to get to me?

Andy: ... Damn you and your clone-logic!

[Having lost the battlefield, Andy decides to head back to Tokyo-3,
virtually ignoring the half-breed hanging onto his leg as he soars
through the air several hundred feet above the Pacific.]

----------

[Back at 'The Forest of Peril.']

Toji: (running) I remember this clearing on the way in, we're almost out
of here!

Kensuke: (tackles Toji from behind, knocking the larger boy down) Do you
want to get killed?!

Toji: (explanatory tone) Me and Jared--

Kensuke: (correcting) Jared and I.

Toji: (glare) --made it straight through without any trouble. There
aren't any traps.

Kensuke: Which would be nice but the wind has erased any path of yours
from the grass! But say that one more time.

Toji: Jared and I--

Kensuke: Oh, you mean the guy that's _hovering_ like a fucking falcon
over us firing fucking Kamehamehas at us any time he spots us?!

Toji: < -_- > (I-forgot-about-that-part tone) Yeah, him. And when did
you pick up swearing?

Kensuke: The battlefield is no place for pansy-assed politeness and
BEING SHOT AT has been known to make some people forget manners!

Toji: So you're saying that the clearing is full of traps, not to
mention the lack of cover. Can't we just skirt the clearing?

Kensuke: (shaking his head) I'd have thought of that....

Toji: So we just have to find the path we took and run really fast.

Kensuke: Looks like it.

Toji: Well, where does the grass seem broken or something?

Kensuke: I'm looking.

Toji: Looking.... (something clicks) You've been looking the whole time!

Kensuke: Well, yeah, we have to keep moving or else that guy could
figure out our location.

Toji: No! You admitted that you've been following us since we entered
the forest. What way did you take?

Kensuke: ... (smacks his forehead) D'oh!

[Kensuke leads Toji back several yards and then quickly weaves between
several trees that Toji begins to see tiny but purposeful marks on. Back
in the clearing, Jared is hovering above the ground. Flying takes a lot
more energy than even he is accustomed to spending and he needs to rest.
But much like Toji easily forgets Jared is a threat, Jared has forgotten
Kensuke is a threat.]

[At least until the first bear trap closes around an important limb....]

----------

[Back at the beach, John continues to battle Room 723. John, fighting
without Jared's sheer skill or Andy's audacious thirst for destruction,
is resorting to good old fashioned violence to hold his own against
Misato, who is no longer the unknown. Asuka lost due to issues discussed
earlier, and Shinji to a lack of focus.]

[Misato, however, is a master of Drunken Boxing, leaving John feeling
like he just tripped on the punch line to a joke he's never heard.
Enduring Misato's assault, he considers his options.]

John: (thinking) Should I call her 'Mama Bear' or 'Wild One'?

[This of course, due to her vicious, relentless attack. Blocking wildly,
he considers his COMBAT-RELATED options.]

John: (considering) Wait her out? Nah, I'll be punch-drunk by then. Let
Shinji and Asuka wake up and distract her? Bah, too unreliable. Hmm...
where's that damn sea bird when I need him?

[Thunk.]

Pen^2: QUARK!

John: Aha! (holding Pen-Pen up in a muggar's hold and a glowing fist
near the bird's head) Nobody moves or the penguin gets it!

Pen^2: Quark!

[John is suddenly looking at the sky. He's certain there's a shell in
his spine and a crab trying to burrow up his--]

Pen^2: Quark! (kicks sand in John's face) Quark. (waddles off)

John: Just shoot me now....

[Misato, of course, is laughing her p.h.a.t. ass off at the whole thing.
John sits up slowly.]

John: This never happened.

Misato: (snickering) Whatever you say. So we done?

John: Round one is. (gets up) Now we work on group tactics.

Misato: It's hardly fair for them if I'm with you though.

John: (walking back to the Children, smirk) Who said I was getting a
partner?

Misato: Considering I just kicked your ass...

John: Ha! Up until know I've only been using ONE PERCENT of my true
power!

Misato: Keep telling yourself that.

John: (Raiden tone) ENOUGH! (taps Shinji with his foot) Wake up, Ace.
You're not done here. Asuka! Heel!

[Eventually the Children rise, though Asuka has to be held back by
Misato.]

John: So, what did you _all_ do wrong?

Misato: _I_ did wrong?!

John: (slowly, as if to Andy) Yes, Katsuragi-san, you did many things
wrong. More power to you if you know what.

Asuka: I got impatient.

Shinji: I got too aggressive.

Misato: I have no idea what you're talking about.

John: Asuka, right. Shinji, wrong. Misato... I have all day and a little
game I like to call "Strip Twenty-Questions."

Misato: You had nothing on me, I owned you the entire time.

John: Next time I ask, I'll take your bandanna, then your shirt, your
shorts, that suit, then you'd really better start thinking hard. Shinji,
you were very aggressive and that wasn't such a bad thing, but you got
overconfident. You had me by surprise and retreating from your attacks,
but instead of keeping yourself in check you decided to get more flashy.
You saw me moving back and cocky not even considering that I was just
waiting. It's good that you can rise to the occasion, but there is such
a thing as too much confidence in your abilities. You're quick and
you've got the moves. You just lack experience fighting at such a level,
with time and a lot of pain (sadistic grin) you'll get even better.
Misato?

Misato: (flips John "the bird") Silence, my hangover is starting.

[John raises his hand half-way as if to ask a question, then makes a
snatching motion. Sticking out of the top and bottom of his fist is
Misato's red bandanna.]

John: Your headache has not even begun. Asuka, what do you plan to do
about rectifying your behavior?

Asuka: I'll kill you straight out instead of trying to beat you to
death.

John: (to no one in particular) Isn't she cute folks? (to Asuka) You
have a lot of skill, but you're arrogant and impatient. Next time keep
your wits about you. Misato, what did you do wrong?

Misato: (crossing her arms) I outrank you, you tell me.

[John raises his hand and snatches from five yards away again. Misato's
arms are still crossed, but her shirt is in John's hand. He leers a few
seconds before he answers the Major.]

John: (glare) As a military commander, you should have realized that
once Asuka failed, Shinji was sorely in need of backup. Both of them
couldn't take me, that was quite clear, but there was nothing stopping
you from leaping right in there with him to take me down. None of you
can take me out on your own. I'm too fast, too strong, and too tough.
It's that simple. Yes, Misato, you have me outclassed in skill, but I
could have easily just blasted you to next week like I did Shinji or
Asuka. I didn't because you were the only unknown, I'd seen Andy's and
Jared's surveillance footage. If Pen-pen didn't... interfere, I'd have
turned the tables. Quite easily, I might add.

Shinji: You were saying something about overconfidence?

John: (glare) THE POINT IS... that you guys have to realize, no matter
how powerful the Evas are, the Angels are just as powerful if not moreso
in some cases. Teamwork is essential and there is no "I" in-- ... There
is no "I" in the _English_ spelling of "teamwork." So if you think you
guys can work together... (cracks knuckles) Bring it.

Misato: Can I have my clothes back first?

----------

[The Forest Formerly Known as Peril.]

Jared: (Ace Ventura style) It's in the bone! It's in the bo~one!

[Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft!]

Jared: Five darts?! Who in the world shoots five frigging darts?! Why,
in my day, we only had to use one darrrr....

[Thump.]

----------

[Over the Pacific.]

Rei: are we there yet?

Andy: No.

Rei: are we there yet?

Andy: Did John tell you to be annoying?

Rei: hai. ... are we there yet?

Andy: GRRRRR, GALLAT GUN-

Rei: your foot is still in the way.

Andy: You can't hang on forever!

Rei: watch me.

Andy: ... I have been insulted by the _best_ and the _worst_ of
humanity, but I cannot abide by being insulted by a _clone_!

----------

[John vs. Room 723, Round 2, FIGHT!]

Asuka: (charging ahead) Try to keep up with me, baka!

[It takes Shinji a second to follow Asuka's charge and he is already too
late. John points his palm at Asuka and fires a strange blast that
surrounds Asuka's form in an energy bubble. The American jumps
vertically far out of Shinji's range, taking Asuka with him.]

John: Well, well, well. Look what I have here, a _bitch_ ball.

Asuka: DAMN YOU TO HELL! (string of German curses)

John: That look in your eye, Asuka.... You've been watching DBZ, haven't
you?

Shinji: Put her down!!

John: What was that Shinji? Put her down?

Asuka: NO, DON'T!

John: Catch, Shinji! (casually tosses the energy ball at Shinji and
descends)

Asuka: GET OUT OF THE WA--

[Boom.]

John: (with his back to Misato) All too easy. Both of them are going to
have to learn how to take it slower and (turns to Misato) be more...
careful?

[Misato is in the all-too-familiar "fireball stance" associated with the
Kamehameha, the Gallat Gun, and many other fireball techniques.]

Misato: (charging up a ball of blue-white energy) Ha... do...

John: < o_o;;; > This is gonna sting.

[Time pauses.]

Author Andy: John what the hell are you doing?

Author John: I'm giving Misato the Hadoken, from the Street Fighter
series.

Author Andy: First you make Ritsuko a Dark Jedi and now Misato is a SF
Shotokaner?!

Author Jared: Don't forget the Drunken Boxing too.

Author John: Guys, if our characters can do DBZ, then others naturally
will become stronger and more powerful to maintain the status quo. It's
the rules of crossover fanfiction to blame, not I.

Author Andy: Oh... Just keep it down, ok? They still have to be Eva
characters after all.

Author John: Can do.

[We now return you to our irregular story.]

Misato: --KEN!

John: (slight panic) KAMEHAMEHA!

[The two counterpart energy waves meet and begin to feed each other in a
slowly growing ball. The winds created swirl around each fighter before
tossing sand in every direction.]

John: Not bad, Katsuragi. You really caught me off guard this time.

[Misato doesn't reply. The energy ball is getting bigger by the second.]

John: But Dragonball has one thing Street Fighter doesn't...

Misato: What's that, Genoni?

John: A power up! KAIOKEN!

[John's energy level doubles, pulsing another Kamehameha through his
first. The stalemate is immediately broken as the ball of energy rushes
towards Misato. John cuts off the technique to limit the damage done,
but another blast, this time of golden energy comes out of left field
and knocks the ball of Kamehameha/Hadoken towards the ocean, where it
explodes beautifully. Misato is clipped by the energy wave and lands
softly in a recently created sand dune.]

[John quickly looks around for the mystery savior but can't see anyone.
Just as he's about to try sensing for energy signatures, Asuka and
Shinji simultaneously burst from where they were buried under the sand
and, in well-trained synchronization, attack John.]

[The three fight for a few minutes, with an actual tide of battle
varying. Seeming to have learned their lesson, Shinji and Asuka are much
more cautious of John's low-scale palm shots using different distraction
techniques to avoid being blasted for a third time today. Their training
for the 7th Angel is the obvious culprit for the way the pair seems to
predict each other's movements and, without saying a word, coordinate
rather complicated attacks against their trainer. Then Misato's fist
comes flying at the American.]

[And what did we say about continuity?]

[Enough being enough, John gathers a ball of energy and blasts the
ground right at his feet. Protected by the little fact that one's own
energy cannot hurt one's self (a fact that Andy has thankfully forgotten
about), John used the resulting explosion to clear himself some room.
Standing in the middle of a small crater, the Goon addresses his
trainees...]

John: Much much better, all of you. I just have one more drill and then
we go back to NERV. Any questions?

Asuka: Cheap-shot bastard.

John: I'd say that this is training to fight Angels, but then again, I'm
actually not trying to kill you. I am going far too easy on you, but
this being our first day together... we should start slow. Who knows,
maybe next time, your first mistake will be your last. (pause) Shinji,
comments?

Shinji: No.

Misato: What's this last drill?

John: Multiple enemies... (begins to power up) specifically multiple
JOHNS!

[Tein from DB and DBZ was once fond of a technique that triplicated his
body. Each triplicate was only a third of his own power level, but was
its own autonomous highly skilled fighter. Tien was one of the good
guys, and technically, so is John... maybe... sort of... technically...
just throw me a frikkin' bone here! But that any one of the Goons could
replicate is scarier than Bobity porn.]

John A, B, & C: Boo.

Shinji, Asuka, & Misato: AAH!

[Round 3, FIGHT!]

[The three Johns charge the group mindful that the power gap is far
closer than before.]

[Fate (the bastard Author) would have this final drill interrupted.
Thus, one lonely geek happens upon the beach battle and saw the
unthinkable. One of the Johns got a lucky hit in on Misato, sure he was
still getting his ass kicked both before and after this... this
travesty!]

Geek: HOW DARE THAT MAN HARM THE GODDESS!!!

[Fumbling in his backpack the geek finds the small pager with a photo of
Katsuragi he'd been looking for. Glaring sharply at the triplets, the
nerd punches in a three-digit code....]

----------

[Just outside the Forest of Peril.]

[Kensuke and Toji are standing around Jared's car, wearing bored
expressions.]

Kensuke: You know, I could hot wire this car.

Toji: (kicking a rock) This was training. But if we mess with his car,
we're dead. It's that simple. (pause) How'd you get out here anyway?

Kensuke: My father dropped me off. I'm supposed to make it back home on
my own means.

Toji: So any way... uh, thanks... for getting me out of there, man.

Kensuke: You gonna pull some strings, let me be a pilot?

Toji: I don't think I have any strings to pull. It's the three Americans
that are the puppet masters around NERV. And I don't think--

[Jared explodes from the bushes, rolls, and prepares a Kamehameha for
something apparently following him. He's covered in dirt, leaves and
twigs with most of his gi torn and frayed. He holds the pose for a few
seconds before he relaxes.]

Jared: (obviously not relaxed) YOU (pointing at Kensuke) HAVE ISSUES,
KENNY!

Kensuke: I'm not "Kenny", Jerry.

Jared: It's "Jared", Aida, and since I'm about the only one that can get
you into an Eva, your name is Susan if I so choose.

Kensuke: (grumble grumble) Five minutes and I'll kick your ass.

Jared: What?

Kensuke: I said, I've got to look at Misato's ass.

Toji: (smacks Kensuke upside the head) Don't disrespect Misato-sama!

[Beep. Beep. Beep.]

[Both Toji and Kensuke frown and retrieve pagers identical to the
geek's from earlier. The frown deepens as they read the message.]

Kensuke: How fast can you get us to the beach?

Jared: (looks at his mini-MAGI) Forty-five minutes... if I was suicidal.
(mumbers something about ion engines and magnetic stabilizers under his
breath) What's the rush?

Kensuke: Who else is on that beach?

Jared: (pushing a few holo-buttons on the "keyboard") John's with
Asuka-sama, Shinji, and Misato at the beach... how the fuck did John get
Misato on the beach? She's probably wearing that--OOH! I hate him!

Toji: It'll be over before we get there. Might as well just head back to
town.

Jared: We'll drop off General Overkill at his house.

Kensuke: (glare to Jared, to himself) Patience, crush him like a bug
after they give you an Eva....

----------

[Roji Kaji is bit ten minutes from the beach when a small pager starts
beeping. Already pouring on the speed, he can't go any faster.]

Kaji: Hang on, Mis-chan! And don't get dressed!

----------

Misato: Did you guys hear something?

John: < ^_^ > You mean like the desperate pleas of a man pursuing a goal
that has long since passed? No.

Misato: Okay.

[Misato grabs John's arm and swings him into the John attacking Asuka.
When the two collide, they fuse together leaving just that one and the
one Shinji's fighting. Shinji's John, sensing the change decides to jump
back and fuse back into just one John.]

John: (now surrounded) Ha! Now I have you exactly where I want... OW!
(clutches left arm) Did you all have to hit the exact same spot?!

Asuka: (smelling victory) Should we pound on you some more or do you
give up?

John: (scoffing) To you, Second Child? THAT will certainly be THE DAY!
What's stopping me from nuking this place with my power?

Shinji: Uh, your strong moral code?

[A hearty laugh is shared by all.]

John: Good one, Ace. No, I-- (pensive frown)

Asuka: What now?

John: We are not alone.

Misato: We're in a major metropolitan city-fortress, duh!

John: (focusing on tall sand dune some distance away inland) Misato,
training is over for now. Take the kids and their stuff back to my car,
I'll be with you shortly.

Shinji: What's wrong?

John: If I told you there was an army amassing three hundred yards away,
would you panic?

Misato: Army? There aren't any JSDF drills today, especially not on a
public beach.

[As if on cue, a dozen heads peek over the dune. Followed by a dozen
more. Then a dozen more. Then a hundred more. Then another hundred.
Great banners unfurl playing off of the Japanese "Rising Sun" flag but
with Misato's face as the sun.]

Misato: (somewhat embarrassed) Oh dear Kami-sama, not _them_!

John: (after a confused glance at Misato) Katsuragi, I said get the kids
out of here.

Asuka: But--

Geek: You! (points at John) Gaijin! You have desecrated the beautiful
shrine known as Misato Katsuragi-sama. You shall apologize to Ms.
Katsuragi-sama at once, or pay the penalty!

John: Look, guys, whoever you are, Mis-chan and I--

[A collective gasp from over 250 guys ranging in age from 13 to 56.]

Geek: INFIDEL! You are not worthy to speak Katsuragi-sama's name! Much
less refer to her in such a familiar way!

John: I'm an infidel? ... (shrugs) Okay, I'm an infidel.

Geek: Prepare to die! CHARGE!!!

[This would usually be cause for alarm for most people... even those as
powerful as one of the Goons. But then again, John has back-up.]

John: (raising his fist into the air) MINIONS! Crush this army for
righteousness is on our side! (to self) This time....

[And lo, did the minion horde burst from under the sand and crawl from
the water and drop from the sky like lemmings to aid their besieged
master....]

----------

News Anchor: Hiroshi, I'm here at Ground Zero, as it were, on the North
Beach of Tokyo-3. Behind me you can see the remnants of this sandy strip
of land, blasted and stained by the bloody battle waged almost an hour
ago. The two sides of the conflict have been identified as the "Admirers
of Katsuragi-sama" and the "Faceless Minion Horde." It is not clear if
there was a victor in this conflict or even how such a violent battle
could have been started...

[The broadcast fades into background noise as Andy and Jared come into
view.]

Jared: A full-scale beach battle.... That's something I'd usually expect
from you, dude.

Andy: (agreement) That's something I wanted to do.

Jared: How did Rei do?

Andy: (huff) My own Gallat Gun can't hurt me, can it?

Jared: It shouldn't. It really depends on the technique. Frieza bought
it on one of his own disks, remember that.

Andy: I'm still not sure how that semi-human evaded me.

Jared: < -_- > Well, either find her now or get over it. Genoni's not
gonna appreciate you hunting his favorite.

Andy: How did your thing go? You look like hell.

Jared: I heal fast enough. Ran into Kensuke, wasn't as ready as I
thought. That little bastard is out of his mind.

Andy: < ^_^ > So that means he'll be piloting soon?

Jared: Toji just got his Eva. I think it'll be a bit before Kensuke gets
taken in.

Andy: Good, I'm not sure I could handle that--(voice cracks)--BlUe hAiR!
DIE, yoU pROduCt Of dIviNe HUbrIs! (runs off down the hallway)

Jared: ... (shrugs)

[On the TV, Roji can be seen running on screen, looking around
frantically and then screaming in frustration.]

----------

[John is walking down a hallway, whistling 'Fly Me to the Moon.' Rei
skids around the corner Breakfast Club-style and stops in front of him.
There's a faint relieved smile for hardly a fraction of a second.]

Rei: genoni-sensei, you are back from training.

John: Yeah... you were running. Are you ok? Is something wrong?

[Andy skids around the corner in full glowing Final Flash stance.]

John: < -_- > Or is it just business as usual?

Andy: (quickly powering down) Ah heh heh heh... Rei was just, uh...
('quick' thinking) late for a synch test! Yeah.

John: (raises eyebrow) Oh?

Andy: (cracking) That albino chick is vicious, man! Not just fighting,
bah! She, she was frigging _mean_! (verge of tears) She hurt my
feelings! THERE! (pointing behind John where Rei subtly moved) ShE'S
mAkInG fAceS!

[Of course, when John turns it's plain old Rei standing like a robot.
John turns back to Andy.]

John: Rei? Making faces?

Andy: (wild-eyed) ShE'S DoINg It AGaIn!

[We all know how this gag goes, people. It's as old as "There's
something behind you!"]

John: If any one is psychologically scarred, it'd be Rei from being
around you, Mucha.

Andy: (loaded-with-violence tone) That crazy clone is more than she
seems, Genoni. Remember the quiet ones? She's practically mute!
(cracking voice) AnD ShE's MaKiNG FAcEs AgAin!

John: (turns to Rei holding up some small posters) Rei, look at these
and tell me what the first thing that comes to mind, ok?

Rei: (blink) hai, genoni-sensei.

Andy: (mocking tone) Hai, Genoni-sensei. Bleh! 

[A picture of Shinji.] 

Rei: invertebrate. 

[John shrugs. Next picture: a modified SAW machine gun.]

Rei: (starts drooling slightly) ...

[John frowns. The next picture: An atomic mushroom cloud.]

Rei: boom. whee. 

[John frowns deeper. The next picture: A recent photo of the three Goons
posing dramatically, Ginyu Force-style.]

Rei: there can be only one. 

[John's eyes narrow as he glares at Andy.] 

Andy: (chuckling nervously) Heh heh heh... um... I ESCAPE! (runs off)

John: I can't agree with some results, but... I'm sure he got the job
done.

Rei: it's lunchtime.

John: You can stop now. You really got under his skin, Rei.

Rei: per your instructions, genoni-sensei. 

[Rei produces a small spiral note pad and makes a check mark on it.]

John: (smirk) Toying with my friends is fun... But I need bigger fish to
fry.

Rei: today is still fish sticks.

John: Ooh, fish sticks!

----------

[Shinji and Asuka are walking down a similar hallway, not surprising
since all the hallways look the same. A female tech winks at Shinji as
she passes by. Shinji immediately blushes while Asuka glares cold and
hard at the young boy. This is not the first time this has happened, but
by far the tamest piece of attention. Of course, Shinji still has yet to
bump into Heather.]

Asuka: (stepping in front of the Third Child) Alright, baka, I want to
know just what the hell is going on with you and every woman that we
come across!

Shinji: (thinking) She's insulting me again.... Is what Jared said to me
true? She looks really upset, but I mustn't run away. I'm a bad-ass
mudder who don't take crap from nobody!

[Just to make this absolutely clear: The Three Goons have irreparably
fucked up Shinji. We now return you to our regularly scheduled teen
semi-angst.]

Asuka: Well?!

Shinji: What do you care if other women are interested in me?

[Asuka reacts as if Shinji slapped her. Feeling the sudden need to show
off his command of Ironic Timing, the author has Heather appear around
the corner.]

Heather: (sultry voice in English) Shinji? Ah, it _is_ you, I'd
recognize that cute ass from any angle.

[Shinji barely understands most of the words, but Asuka's face is a
Kodak moment when the tall busty American engineer drapes herself over
Shinji pinning him to the wall with her two jugs of brain kryptonite.
After tasting the youth's tonsils, Heather slides a business card down
the front of Shinji's pants.]

Heather: Call me. You can do that can't you? You certainly know how to
push the right buttons.

Asuka: AHEM!

Heather: (finally noticing Asuka) Oh, I see.... Maybe some other time.
Enjoy the ride, young lady, I'm sure everyone else did.

[With that Heather leaves the pair and returns to the obscurity of a
Random Engineer. Shinji is doing a fine impression of a bug-eyed
goldfish, mouth working but nothing coming out, eyes freakishly set in
Panic Mode. Asuka is on the verge of tears.]

Shinji: (vocal chords resume normal function) Asuka, I--

Asuka: BAKA!

[Following a Righteous Indignation Punch, Asuka sets off down the hall
at a sprint.]

Shinji: (gets up and runs after his roommate) Asuka!

Asuka: Leave me alone! Stay away from me!

[Shinji really puts on the speed and catches up with the fiery damsel.
no one is around to notice an after-image trailing just behind him as
he catches Asuka's arm and all but throws the Second Child into an
empty coffee lounge. Thankfully, she lands on a well-positioned couch,
and she bounces off onto her feet in a fighting stance.]

Asuka: I said I--

[Shinji smashes the door panel next to him with his fist, destroying the
device and effectively sealing the couple in the room.]

Shinji: (angry snarl) You're going to shut up and listen to me for a
change! You've never given me a chance to explain anything EVER. But
you're going to sit down and can it until I've said my piece, got it?!

[Thought shocked and angry, Asuka would be lying if she said she wasn't
impressed and just a little turned on by Shinji's sudden outburst.
Shinji takes a few deep breaths to collect himself, matching the glare
Asuka gives him. After a good five minutes of this Asuka relaxes her
stance and sat down on the couch crossing her arms and her legs, still
glaring.]

Asuka: So go ahead.

Shinji: I don't remember yesterday.

Asuka: As if that's a good excuse--

Shinji: I said shut up and listen to me! I blanked out on the train that
morning, and the next thing I remember, Waddell-sensei was talking to
me... After that... I was in my room. Misato-san and Kaji-san and you
were there... I was really worn out from something, but I don't know
what. I keep getting this feeling that I did something really bad but no
one wants to tell me what. Whatever I did, whatever I did to you, I'm
sorry. I'm not going to hide behind amnesia, but I would like to know
what happened, then I can make the proper amends.

Asuka: Shinji... I... I should be apologizing to you. Those women think
you're something else, yesterday... It wasn't you doing whatever they
think you did. Yesterday is in the past. I'm sorry for reacting the way
I did, I shouldn't have gotten jealous like that-- (covers her mouth
trying to take back her words)

Shinji: (moving in for the kill) You were jealous?

Asuka: (scrambling to change the subject) Your hurt your hand! Let me
find a first-aid kit, sit down.

[Shinji graciously ceases further prying and sits on the couch next to
Asuka's place. Using some of the field training she received in Germany,
she tends to Shinji's cut hand. It's after a lull of silence that both
realize she's still holding his hand. This time, Asuka isn't mumbling in
her sleep to scare him off.]

[After the kiss....]

Asuka: (turns her face away from Shinji) Why did you do that? Everybody
says that I'm arrogant, careless, and have no control.

Shinji: (gently turns Asuka's face back towards his) Everybody also says
that you have a lot of potential to fill. Sure you've got your hard
edges, who doesn't? But that doesn't mean you aren't a diamond in the
rough.

Asuka: Ikari...

Shinji: Sohryu...

----------

[A thousand meters closer to the earth's core, Jared is standing on a
dark catwalk. This is in an usually dark room, as if someone is trying
very hard to hide something very, very big inside. He is reading some
technical drawings--the machinery they depict is a potent machine gun.
He looks up, startled. His eyes slightly defocus, as though he is gazing
into the future. Finally, he speaks in the darkness.]

Jared: I feel a disturbance in the Force.

[Andy walks up behind the pervert, dressed in a technician's coveralls.
Jared, by contrast, is wearing the dress T-shirt and slacks of the
Common Engineer.]

Andy: Not all such disturbances are bad.

Jared: (smiling) You are correct. This one is quite... melancholy.

Andy: For you?

[Jared nods. Andy takes the cue right away and fades away without a
sound, leaving the engineer to stare wistfully in the darkness.]

----------

[Forty-five minutes later, in a hallway outside the Synchronization Test
Cage.]

[All of the pilots, including the Goons, are waiting for the final
preparations to be finished. Having little else to do, they're all
standing around outside the door in their plug suits. Rei is standing at
attention next to John, who is occupied with a GameBoy Optima. Having
rigged his sensor clips as a control device, he's watching the action on
the holo-projection screen. Jared is standing quietly in the corner,
like a new father who's suddenly not sure if he likes his current place
in life. The two Children are standing next to each other, but are
pretending like the other isn't there to the point that everyone can
tell they're hiding something. Their flushed faces are a pretty good
indication of what... well, that and Shinji's hickey. Toji's arms are
crossed as he pretends to take a nap in an effort to ignore everything.
Andy vanished into the duct system ten minutes ago, but is still in the
area by the sounds.]

[Cue electrical buzzing noise.]

Andy: (from the duct; yelp of pain and surprise) Gah! Another one?!
Goddamn Ritsuko and her-- (unintelligible curses)

Jared: Andy! Just get down here and wait like a normal person!

Andy: (head pops out of the open grate) Normal people wouldn't be
waiting to do what we're going to do a mile underground, Jared.

[A few seconds of relative silence pass.]

Jared: Andy, a word in private if you please.

Andy: (crawls out of the duct) I don't please.

[They walk a few yards away from the group.]

Jared: I had an pleasantly interesting experience in the elevator a bit
ago.

Andy: (cautiously) How so?

Jared: Turns out Hyuga's a moderately skilled kick-boxer.

[Andy glances at John, but he's not going to comment on anything soon.]

Andy: And this fact came to you how?

Jared: Apparently he's part of that AMK group that fought the Minions on
the beach, I made a careless remark about Katsuragi and he got... testy.

Andy: You don't look too bad....

Jared: < ^_^ > Moderately skilled compared to most people, Mucha, not
me.

Andy: Ahhh....

Jared: And according to John, Misato's got a Hadoken and Drunken
Boxing... (struggles not to lick his lips predatorily)

Andy: Weaklings all of them.

Jared: It's a given fact that nature prefers a balance. We are super
powerful, right? That makes us three big-ass stones dropped in this
pond; and that means those around us are benefiting from our wake.

Andy: Coincidence. You and Genoni are trying to excuse your own close-
calls and weaknesses. A true Saiyajin never makes excuses!

Jared: (ignoring the delusional rambling) All I'm saying is that you
can't take these people for granted anymore or they're going to spank
you with something fierce sooner or later.

Andy: Talk to the palm-blast. (attempts to do so)

[Jared tackles Andy before the larger Goon can fire. Down the hall,
Ritsuko finally opens up the door, takes a moment to scowl at John, then
announces that everything is ready. When she notices Jared and Andy are
too occupied to heed the call, she rolls something their way.]

Andy: (grabbing the object) Ha! Now that I have this... (examines the
object) M67, you'll kneel! Kneel before Zod, Son of Waddell!

Jared: Isn't the M67 the "baseball grenade?"

Andy: Yes, now bow before me!

Jared: < ._. > Where's the pin?

Andy: < ._. > Good question.

----------

[The control room for the test plugs.]

Ritsuko: Right, since there are five of you--

John: Seven.

[Cue not-so-distant explosion.]

Ritsuko: (evil smile) Five. (continuing) It's safer to do three at a
time, just in case. So Genoni and Suzuhara will wait until we've
collected the data on Ayanami, Sohryu, and Ikari.

John: Shouldn't you have at least four plugs ready to test us with?
Hell, with the time it took you, one would think that there should be
seven test plugs in the pool.

[Jared and Andy drag their carcasses into the control room.]

Ritsuko: (pouting) Oh poo, they survived. (mock huff) Suzuhara, you will
be joining the others in the first round of testing, understood?

Toji: Not really... but I'll get in the plug.

John: My... friends and I will stay here and monitor our trainees.

Ritsuko: You say that as if you had a choice in the matter.

Misato: (while Ritsuko and John try to stare each other down) Riiight,
anyway, you four get to your plugs, we'll get started... (glance) soon.
I hope.

[After the room clears out a bit....]

Misato: What is with you two?!

Ritsuko: He started it.

Misato: (to John) Did you?

John: (coyly) Maybe.

Misato: What did he do?

Ritsuko: (glancing at the personnel minding their own business) I can't
discuss that here.

Misato: If it's so bad, then throw him in the brig.

John: She definitely can't do that, Major.

Ritsuko & Misato: Why not?

John: Given the super-secret nature of the... thing in question, Ritsuko
can't risk putting me in prison. NERV is under a lot of scrutiny and
there's too great a chance for a leak. (indicates the groaning bodies of
Jared and Andy) Then there's that whole "Cats and Mice" thing about
vacations. Jared and Andy can separately be locked up with minor effect
on the others' behavior; but I'm more of a key stone.

Ritsuko: We'll see, Genoni. We'll see.

Asuka: (from the speakers) Are we starting or what?

Ritsuko: (to John) I ignore you now. Maya, you may begin the tests.

----------

[Well into the testing procedures...]

Misato: Asuka's marks are really high this time.

John: She's got a lot of potential, it's just a matter of proper
direction.

Misato: (sideways glare at John) Trying to blast her into Kingdom Come
doesn't qualify as "direction" in my book, Genoni.

John: Who said anything about this morning?

Misato: She looks... really sad and joyful at the same time. I wonder
why?

John: (deliberate subject change) Shinji's is very high too, but it
could be higher, I'll have to work with him some more.

Ritsuko: What do you mean "work with him?" More bootleg caffeine and
unoriginal pep talks?

All present: Oooooooh....

John: (ignoring the comment, turns) Are you guys awake yet?

Jared: (from the floor) No.

Andy: (also from the floor) Five more minutes, warden.

John: Toji and Rei-sama need coaching, you negligent jokers.

Andy: You try holding an exploding M67 sometime, see how you feel.

John: You can nap in the plugs, you've already missed half an hour of
the water-works.

Andy: Fine, (grabs the microphone) Rei, do better! (drops the
microphone) There, that ought to do it.

Maya: She's not significantly improving.

Andy: Then the clone is useless.

Misato, Shigeru, and technicians: Clone?

John: (leaps with a battle cry to where everybody can see him) Saint
Crispin's Day!

Everyone else: (looking at John and the silver pen he pulls from his
pocket) Huh?

[Flash.]

Ritsuko: (blinks for several seconds) John, get off that computer! It's
time to switch off anyway.

----------

[After the Goons' tests....]

Ritsuko: (to the Goons) I want to see all three of you in my office
immediately.

All Three Goons: (reflexively) I didn't do it.

Ritsuko: (throbbing forehead vein) MY OFFICE, NOW!

[The three scatter to the winds, er, the air conditioning.]

Ritsuko: Idiots.

----------

[Ritsuko's office. Her desk is barren of paperwork, an extremely
freakish circumstance for someone of Dr. Akagi's position. However,
there is still an assortment of feline inspired time-pieces, including
that black one with the sweeping eyes and swinging tail, on the wall
opposite the door. To the left is a wall dominated by Ritsuko's numerous
degrees, diplomas, awards, and trophies. Before we can make out any
details, we change focus, passing over the doctor's "The End is Near"
sign in the corner, to briefly face the door and the guillotine hanging
over the entrance. The last wall, opposite the wall of diplomas, has
various pictures of friends and family as well as group photos of
various graduating classes she's been a part of. Again, the focus
changes before we can discern any part of Rit-chan's past. Ritsuko is
behind her desk, hands steepled Gendo-style in front of her mouth.
Elegant brows dive sharply as she frowns at the entrance, her reading
glasses sliding down her nose just enough to glare over.]

[It's been ten minutes since her order to the Goons was disobeyed, but
to her, it's just another reason to follow through with her plans. One
more part of the game the three Americans have been playing with NERV.
An irritating inevitability that had far out-lasted its novelty. The
Goons have made things interesting around NERV, but that doesn't mean
she should continue to let them live.]

[The portal to Dr. Akagi's office slides open quietly. The air is clear
and lacking the expected drama, as the entrance reveals... Jared and a
yo-yo.]

[Yo-yo?]

[The cheap plastic toy goes down and up a few times as Jared stands just
before the doorjamb in his completely black NERV uniform. His bored,
insomniatic eyes following the bright colors as he puts the device
through its paces. Then with an expert flick of his wrist the toy darts
into the office and back to the Goon's receiving hand. Next Jared shows
off a little pulling a rock-the-baby followed by an around-the-world
that whisks through the doorway and almost clipping his uncombed mess of
a haircut in a wide circle. For the finale, he resorts to the old walk-
the-dog. The spinning yo-yo rolls along the floor from Jared's black
sneakers toward Ritsuko's desk passing under the guillotine for the
third time. This time it makes contact with a nigh-invisible trip-wire.]

[Jared looks at his bisected toy and gives a low whistle.]

Jared: Remind me to lodge a complaint with the customer service
department, those jerks at the gift shop promised it would last me
weeks. To their defense, I don't think they had this kind of use in
mind. (shrugs) Oh well.

[Jared takes a careful step over the fallen blade mindful of any
redundancies Ritsuko might have prepared. A glance around the room as
casual as Bambi in August discovers no immediate health threats, so
Jared sits in the middle of three seats before Rit-chan's desk.]

Ritsuko: (cold, yet conversational) So, where are the others?

[Bzzt!]

Andy: (through the vent) AH! Daughter of-- (unintelligible) That's it!
GALLAT GUN FIRE! ... Huh? AAAIIIAAARRRGGGHHH!

[Jared glances at the reinforced ventilation cover while Ritsuko remains
focused solely on the guest. After several seconds, Andy opens Ritsuko's
door without knocking, trips over the guillotine blade, catches himself
mid-air, hovers for a moment to right himself, then casually takes his
seat adjusting an imaginary tie. His Hawaiian-inspired uniform is now
scorched in many places and though his hair was originally black, it's
now smoldering at the tips of his many spikes. The overall effect
inspires images of electrical experiments gone awry.]

Andy: (stands suddenly and jabs a finger in Ritsuko's direction) YOU!

Ritsuko: Where's Genoni?

Andy: Never mind that weakling! Those (appropriate gesture) "tracking
sensors" of yours in the vents must go!

Ritsuko: Or you could just use the hallways like a normal human. (subtle
wave of her hand) Where is Genoni?

Andy: He's on his way. Those traps must go immediately.

Ritsuko: Another Angel is expected soon according to _your_ reports.
Security is appropriately heightened until the threat status is
downgraded.

[There's a sudden presence of energy in the room about a second before
John flickers into existence behind the last chair with two fingers
against his forehead. Having successfully performed the Instant
Transmission, he calmly sits down without a glance around to confirm his
whereabouts or safety. He crosses his arms over his gray NERV shirt
after brushing some dust from his black slacks. Not surprisingly, he's
the only one who looks like he's been in contact with a comb recently,
choosing the 'evil young executive' hairstyle. Completing the look,
though only Ritsuko can see this, is his glasses are using the anime-
style lens glare to obscure his eyes.]

Andy: (blink) And then there's always that.

Ritsuko: You're all late, even beyond fashionably. And don't give me
that old "we got lost" line. You've each found your way to my office
plenty of times before on your own.

John: Do you really want an answer to that, Rit-chan? After all, I
thought it was the Japanese that were famous for skipping the
'blame-game' and solving the problem.

Ritsuko: (confused) You avoid the question with... racial profiling?

Jared: (golf commentator mode) A questionable move indeed for Genoni.
But it seems to have disrupted Akagi's train of thought. Let's see how
she deals with this.

Ritsuko: (glare at Jared) Shut up, all of you.

Andy: (golf commentator mode) Ah, anger. And redirected towards everyone
in the room. Though it's not clear what Akagi is trying to accomplish,
usually such a display breaks down future conversation and it all
degenerates into a shouting match. Unless it's a matter of misdirection,
in which case.... (innocently) What?

Ritsuko: A few weeks ago, you three stole top secret plans from this
office.

Jared & Andy: We did? 

[Both sharply glare at each other, then at John, who is in a staring
contest with Ritsuko now. An odd contest at that, considering John's
glasses are still in perpetual glare-mode.]

Ritsuko: Rather than just throwing all of you in jail, I decided you'd
get bored with the project and give it back, after all, the designs
inside were incomplete, what could you possibly need it for? I will
_not_ underestimate you again. I want the notebook and the designs back,
you will give them to me.

Jared: I'm not sure what you're babbling about, Doctor, but we can--

John: (flatly) No.

Ritsuko: No? 

Jared & Andy: No?!

John: No.

Ritsuko: (subtle hand gesture) You will give me the designs.

John: No, I won't.

Jared: John, what's this about?

Andy: I will give you the designs.

[John and Jared stop and look at Andy oddly.]

John: (waves a hand gesture) No, you won't.

Andy: No, I won't.

Ritsuko: (less subtle gesture) Yes, you will.

Andy: Yes, I will.

John: (gesture) No, you won't.

Andy: No, I won't.

Ritsuko: (gesture) Yes, you--

Jared: (interrupting) PEOPLE! There has got to be a better way to handle
this than some battle over Andy's will power.

Ritsuko: Hmmm, you're right. (smiles evilly)

Jared: Of course I am, now--

[Ritsuko makes a grabbing gesture with her hand then throws the
invisible object to the side. Likewise, Andy is lifted out of his chair
and flung at John. Unfortunately, Jared is in the way and both Goons are
slammed into John's hastily raised ki shield.]

Jared: (bug-on-windshield impression) Get off me!

Andy: (bug-on-windshield impression) I'm trying!

John: (slight, but noticeable effort) Are you done, Rit-chan?

Ritsuko: My designs?

John: They are hardly _your_ designs anymore.

Jared: John, just give the bitch back her plans!

[Jared and Andy are suddenly thrown back against the wall opposite to
John. A few seconds pass before the two and their chairs are flung at
John's shield again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And one
more time just for kicks.]

John: Eeeeww, I'm not cleaning that up.

Ritsuko: Give me back the designs for the Angel Compatibility Project,
Genoni!

John: (raspberry) Make me.

Ritsuko: I'll kill your friends.

John: I'll help.

Ritsuko: You're bluffing.

John: You're wasting time.

Ritsuko: _I'm_ wasting time? You guys say the next Angel is due any day
now, and we only have a three Evas available. Someone put Unit-04 in
dry-dock, the rest of the Evas are still assimilating their S2 organs,
and your juvenile games are putting Unit-06 far behind schedule!

John: Nice try, but I don't give a damn about that shit.

Ritsuko: (eyes narrow) Then try this on, I'll give you one hour to get
your head out of your ass. Then, if you're not at the designated
location with that notebook, you had best be hiding. Understand?

John: (smug look) Perfectly.

[Ritsuko stands and steps around her desk to leave her office. She
glares daggers at John for a moment then opens her door.]

John: Oh, Rit-chan?

Ritsuko: What.

John: If for some illogically suicidal reason I chose not to bring the
ACP plans, what should I bring?

Ritsuko: A few large plastic heavy-duty bags would be considerate.

John: Would it? Ok, I'll see if I can stop by the store later then.

Ritsuko: (leaving) Asshole.

John: (shouting through the sound-proofed door) You know you love it!

[John grabs Andy's and Jared's ankles and begins to drag them out of
Ritsuko's office. A descending shadow catches his eye just as he enters
the hallway....]

[WHACK!]

----------

John: (coming to) Wha? Where?

Jared: (very stern) You're in our office. Andy dragged us back here
after Ritsuko jumped you.

[John sits up on his desk; a quick look around tells him his friends
haven't taken any of his stuff.]

John: Andy dragged us back?

Andy: (lounging on the couch) Feh.

John: (rolls backwards into his chair) Spaceba, mui tovareesh. What time
is it?

Jared: (punches John's desk) Time for you to start explaining!

Andy: Indeed.

John: (starts working in his Mini-MAGI) Good, I wasn't out for that
long.

[Jared grabs John's wrist to get his attention, and John tries to free
himself with a basic wrist-technique. Now, this isn't the stupidest
thing John has yet attempted, but it's up there. Needless to say, when
it is all over a few short painful seconds later, the youngest Goon is
complaining about how cluttered Andy keeps his desk.]

Andy: Hey, flip him onto your desk next time!

Jared: What the fuck was Akagi yapping about?!

John: (teleports away from Jared back to his desk) You weren't paying
attention? (slides his chair back two tiles, left three tiles, right
five tiles, then back three more tiles) I have something someone like
her should not be in possession of.

[A lone ceiling tile drops onto Andy's head along with the Angel
Compatibility Project Notebook. John 'Gohan-grabs' the book before Jared
can respond.]

Andy: Ow! What was that for?!

John: You were at the wrong place at the wrong time, dude. (notices
Jared) And what are you going to do now?

Jared: (preparing a palm blast) I don't like to be fucked around with,
Genoni. I want answers.

John: Then give me questions.

Jared: (blink) ...

Andy: (couldn't-care-less) What's in the binder?

John: The final stages of the Angel Compatibility Project.

Andy: Which is?

John: The Eighth Angel, Sandalaphon, was captured in its embryotic
state. In a nutshell, they want to raise the Angel to become an Eva. So
far they've succeeded, most of the B-type armor is in place and with a
couple days of hard work, Unit-06 will be operational.

Andy: Wait, how did--

John: Every Angel starts out an embryo, just like you, me, Pen-pen,
every multi-celled organism on the planet. The final form of an Angel
however is determined by environmental factors, as opposed to some
predetermined shape.  This is why the Angels are stronger, now, because
we're here pumping all sorts of energy into the equation and thus the
Angels' maturation takes this into account and makes them stronger,
faster, smarter, whatever. Or we can go religious and say God is evening
out the field. The point is, with the proper stimuli, you can grow an
Eva from an Angelic embryo, not just from it's engineered DNA.

Jared: You can't control it though. Evas don't have souls, hell they can
barely move without an S2 organ or external power. Angels don't have
that problem.

John: No, they don't and yes, control was the biggest issue for Ritsuko,
her greatest stumbling block.

Jared: But not you?

John: Call it 'thinking outside the VHS box.'

[Andy groans.]

Jared: What did you do?

John: I resolved the control issues and completely revamped the plug to
accommodate my modifications.

Jared: (skeptical) You?

John: Who else?

Jared: You flunked every engineering class you took. And need I remind
you about that computer science fiasco?

John: (defensive) They salvaged the entire building and the school had
enough insurance!

Jared: My point being, you couldn't possibly have done any work on any
engineering project, much less one that involves technology a world away
from ours.

[A lone ceiling tile falls on Jared's head.]

Jared: Hey!

John: I didn't do it. But it seems to happen a lot when you question the
fourth wall. (starts rummaging through his desk) I did have help.

Jared: (blink) ... (blink) So we're giving this back to Ritsuko, right?

John: Of course not.

Jared: Why not?!

John: Because Ritsuko works for Gendo and Gendo works for SEELE or for
his own goals which is just as bad. If worse comes to worse we will need
Unit-06's firepower on our side. If she gets a hold of these plans
she'll fuck with everything. And then _if_ it still worked, they'll find
a loyal puppet to use it. Kensuke would give his right testicle to pilot
this thing.

Jared: You're deliberately going against the grain here, and I don't
think you'll make it out alive, much less in one piece.

Andy: So what now?

John: I'm going to confront Ritsuko.

Andy: Nice knowing you.

Jared: Are you fucking insane?! (pause) Let me try that again--

John: Jared, you seem very spooked for someone who tried to channel
Bruce Lee last Halloween.

Jared: She's a fucking JEDI! Hell, a Jedi Master from the looks of it!

John: Yes, a Master Jedi. I took two semesters of Basic Jedi myself,
made Padawan before I graduated.

Jared: And you think that's going to help?! You don't even have a
fucking light saber!

John: I was broke enough as it was, do you know how much those fancy
flashlights fucking cost? 'Sides, I'm fixing the weapons problem right
now.

Jared: Look, Misato's powerful, Makoto's a kick-boxer, Ritsuko is a
fucking Jedi!

John: ... (Bing!) You're panicking because Kensuke caught you off guard.
You think that Akagi's riding the Saga's Uber-Villain effect and that I
don't stand a chance. First let me ease your worries, yes, she is
benefiting from the S.U.V.

Jared: < -_- > ...

John: < ^_^ > Now you don't have to worry, now you know.

Andy: And knowing is half the battle.

Jared: Shut it, Mucha!

John: Secondly, the reason you're feeling so vulnerable is because you
no longer have the Series Hero Effect protecting and empowering you... I
do.

Jared: How?

John: Remember when I attacked you with that plunger the other morning,
but you decided not to ask?

Jared: Why is it always the ones I don't ask about that bite me in the
ass?

John: Because those are the best ones. (snicker) You should've seen the
look on your face when I leapt out of the bathroom at two in the
morning.

Andy: I think I have a Polaroid somewhere.

Jared: Don't change the subject! The Villain Effect trumps the Hero
Effect and you know it!

John: Not in the long run.

Jared: Level with me, Genoni, is there a Plan?

John: Yes.

Jared: Oh. (long pause) YOUR PLANS NEVER WORK!

Andy: (Raiden voice) ENOUGH! Genoni! What does this little escapade with
Ritsuko have to do with myself or the weakling?

Jared: Weakling?!

John: Andy, I'm tasking you with getting the Children out of NERV. I
don't want them anywhere near the GeoFront. Train them, ice cream,
movie, I don't care, they must stay out of NERV until this is finished.

Andy: A lowly task! You insult me!

John: You're tasked with protecting the hope of Mankind, you delusional
nutbag! Truly, the fate of the world is being laid at your feet.
Woulds't thou kick away such an honor?

Andy: I suppose you two couldn't handle such a task. Verely, I am off!

[Andy leaps into the overhead vent and disappears into his second home.]

Jared: And what are you going to con me into?

John: (skimming through the pages in the binder) You get to play courier
and deliver this to Ritsuko's black ops technicians. (sets the binder in
a metal case and locks it) A Mr. Walters has the duplicate key to unlock
this thing. James knows where he is so bring him along.

Jared: James is in the blender at home.

John: (sets a Mini-MAGI decorated with hazard yellow and black markings
on his desk) Take James and use him to find Walters, I cannot have you
getting lost this time.

Jared: (putting James on his arm and setting his own MAGI in his desk
drawer) What about you?

John: She issued the ultimatum, I'm going to give her noncompliance.
I'll try to hold her off as long as I can, but you have to get the
project to that department before she gets past me.

Jared: This is a fight you can't win, Genoni.

John: (smirk) Not honorably.

Jared: You still need something to defend from a light saber.

John: I'll find something. (John's Mini-MAGI beeps) Get going.

Jared: (sigh) Good luck.

John: You too.

[Jared dashes off with the locked box tucked under his arm. John looks
at the message on his MM and confirms the location Ritsuko designated.
Then he starts rummaging through Hammerspace for a weapon....]

----------

[The bottom of the Geofront is a flat plane of... well, of plain grass.
A small forest is hedges around one end, taking up about a third of the
available ground. In addition, the area is home to several gardens, a
lake, two separate rivers, and a military base. Twenty-five hundred
meters above the ground, the city of Tokyo-3 hangs, a suspended ageis.]

[John walks through a large grassy field, his feet falling easily and
regularly in a smooth, measured stride, taking him to his destination.
His eyes scan ahead, clear and ready. He comes to a stop before a huge
circle of trees. Beyond the trees, reaching... well, _up_, is an immense
black tower. Tall enough give several Tokyo-3 skyscrapers a run for
their money, it reaches more than two hundred meters into the air, its
surface shining like obsidian.]

John: (looking up) Hmm... I'm early, but I was expecting traps or
something.

Ritsuko: (unseen) Yes, that would have been prudent of me, but how else
can I be certain you're out of my hair, except by killing you with my
bare hands?

[The doctor walks out from behind one of the trees, her arms crossed
over a luscious bosom, concealed only by flimsy blue cotton. Well,
strong blue cotton. Okay, several layers of strong blue cotton.]

[And some chain-mail.]

[Any way, she stands two dozen feet away from the youngest Goon, her
face implying a smirk, yet blank as cold stone. She is dressed in her
customary white lab coat, though two slits have been added along the
sides for better movement. A katana is resting all-too-comfortably in
her left hand, ready to draw.]

John: (glancing at the Japanese sword) Am I supposed to be afraid of
that?

[John is dressed in his usual, the collar of his navy-blue T-shirt just
visible from underneath his NERV shirt. Another new feature is the
sturdy leather strap, complete with decorative steel buckle, that runs
across his chest to hold the sheath complete with sword that is on his
back. His glasses remain obstinately in Glare Mode, making his eyes
impossible to see.]

Ritsuko: You will be. You _will_ be.

John: (ignoring the comment) And you kill me? Hardly. My neck will not
snap as easily as some of the chickens you've screwed over the years.

Ritsuko: I see you've decided to do this the hard way. Very well, I can
always Force Andy into giving me the plans. Or I'm sure Jared will be
more than happy to cooperate after a little friendly persuasion from
Maya. _You_ are of little consequence.

John: And you are of little conscience. You're a fool to be looking past
me, Doctor, I wield Evil's Bane on my back.

Ritsuko: Some crude tin mock-up of a 'weapon' featured in a video game?
I knew you were unstable, Genoni, but I think I'll enjoy this suicidal
turn in your nature.

John: You talk a great deal, Rit-chan, but you always stop at theory,
never practice. (reaching into his shirt) I forgot to bring the bags
like you wanted, what with being punked just outside your office, but I
did bring this.

[John flings a packaged object at Ritsuko's feet. Oddly, it sticks into
the ground like a shuriken. Ritsuko picks up the microwave popcorn bag
and smirks.]

Ritsuko: Ah yes, your pathetic popcorn ritual. I must admit, when I read
the reports, I thought the guards were drinking on the job.

John: It's fat-free, I figured you could use a diet.

Ritsuko: (dark frown) You may as well give up now, Genoni. That sword
isn't compensation enough for you.

[You can almost hear the crowd go "ooooh!"]

John: On the contrary doctor, I feel this one is rather undersized, but
it _is_ the Hero Sword. Now, if I were to screw you--

[And, cutting away before we get a triple-X rating, the insult war has
begun!]

----------

[Generic NERV corridor. You know the place. Jared is walking along, a
swagger in his stride (this is perfectly normal), and a large locked box
under one arm (not really normal). He looks like he's had a long day
(way too normal). At the end of the corridor, he stops before an immense
steel door that looks like it was designed to contain a T-Rex. Hardly
impressed, he looks for a doorbell ringer. Just as he steps forward, a
Ninja appears in front of him.]

Jared: (jumping back) Aaah! (to his Mini-MAGI) How lost did you get me?!

James: (from watch) This is the seventh cell technicians' office. What's
the problem?

Jared: The problem is short, dressed like a Ninja, and smells of old
socks.

Ninja Master: I do not smell like old socks, trespasser!

Jared: < -_- > ...

Ninja Master: What?

Jared: 'Trespasser?' That's the best you can come up with? Fine. I'm
here to deliver some plans.

Ninja Master: Those plans will NOT make it past me!

[The Ninja Master assumes a bizarre fighting pose. Jared quirks an
eyebrow at this, nonplussed.]

Ninja Master: (resumes casual pose) I mean... uh, Sure. I'll take care
of those for you.

Jared: Riiight....

James: Eh, just kill 'em.

Jared: Shut up, you.

James: Make me.

Ninja Master: (waving his arms) Hello, evil Ninja here, why are you
ignoring me?!

Jared: You, (points at NM) shut up too. I'm beginning to get a headache.
And now I'm hungry.

Ninja Master: (flabbergasted) Do not tell me to--

James: It was a good song.

Jared: It was not a good song! It wasn't a good song in your day. Who
the hell wants to listen to a watch sing 'Ninety-Nine Bodies on the
Wall' fifty times?

James: Hey, it's not my fault you can't navigate worth a damn.

Ninja Master: Excuse me!

Jared: I took you along to navigate!

James: And you weren't listening?

Jared: Did you even hear me? I have a headache BECAUSE I was listening
to you, and we got lost to boot! I'm never taking you out of our
apartment again.

Ninja Master: Hello?!

Jared: (whirls on the Ninja Master) WHAT?! WHAT?!! Oh, you....

Ninja Master: (eyes narrow) You are a dangerous one. Akagi-san was
correct, but you will not get by me.

Jared: (eyes also narrow) I'm hungry, and I'm trying to do a little
favor by delivering this thing for John. Now get the fuck out of my way
before I have to get nasty.

----------

[In a city park at the edge of Tokyo-3.]

Andy: Why do I have to run interference? I need to train... well, not
really, as I can easily best those two fools. (a thought balloon appears
over Andy's head, indicating two chibi, scruffy, evil looking guys
vaguely recognizable as Jared and John) Yes, soon it will be _I_ who
will stand in VICTORY! (makes the victory pose, complete with American
flag flying in the background and triumphant music playing; a thought
balloon of the evil Jared and evil John chibi figures, dead, appears)
Then I shall destroy the city of Tokyo-3 and...

Rei: excuse me, mucha-san.

Andy: (ignores the nagging voice he keeps hearing and gets back to his
day dream) BECOME THE IMMORTAL RULER OF THE UNIVERSE! THERE CAN BE ONLY
ONE! BUWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Asuka: Mucha!

[In the real world, Asuka takes a flying kick as the cackling Goon,
flipping him head-over-heels several times before he skids to a halt in
the park's nearest sand box. A pair of toddlers, previously playing in
said sand box, run away screaming in fright. Andy rights himself and
shakes his head to dislodge the sand and get his eyes to look in the
same direction.]

Andy: (deadly calm) Whoever did that is a dead man.

Asuka: (arms crossed) I don't think so, you maniac. I'm not even a man.

Andy: Pity, then. So, how shall we do this? (begins tossing out
questions in a rhetorical manner) Me, beat you all up? You all, running
away in fear?

Shinji: (takes up his stance) How about we just kick your ass?

Toji: (imitating Shinji's stance) Now you're talking, Ikari!

[Asuka gives Andy a murderous glare. Rei stands by passively, watching
the Goon intently.]

Andy: (the candle dimly catches aflame) Ah, I have it!

----------

[NERV, Central Dogma, at that moment. Nothing much is happening. Misato
is in her office, doing the drudgerous day-to-day paperwork of a NERV
officer. The alarms are silent. None of the Goons are blowing things up,
causing traffic jams, derailing trains, wrecking furnature stores, or
killing spies. Nothing out of the ordinary is happening, and even Gendo
is away from his seat, specifically one hundred miles away, personally
inspecting some military bases to the north.]

[All is quiet.]

[Waaay too quiet.]

Makoto: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Shigeru: Yes, if but we had that much custard, what would we need with a
horse?

[Makoto gives his fellow NERV technician the patented 'dude, that's your
last beer... ever' stare and clears his throat.]

Makoto: Maya, you feel it too?

Maya: Yes... something's up.

Shigeru: Yeah... come to think of it, thing's have been way to quiet
around here for the last fifteen minutes.

Makoto: Dammit!

Maya: What?

Makoto: The NERV Symphonic Orchestra is here, complete with choral
section!

[Shigeru begins to swivel in his chair to look at the orchestra setting
up behind them.]

Makoto: Don't look, you fool!

[The first bars of a familiar Hans Zimmer song begin to roll through
Central Dogma as Makoto thumbs the holographic recorders. The recorders
are already set to a pre-programmed location. In the center of the
room's largest display screen, John and Ritsuko appear, apparently in
some kind of standoff.]

Shigeru: Oh my God! Morpheus is fighting Neo!

[...]

Makoto: What did you just say?!

Shigeru: I mean, Dr. Akagi is fighting Genoni!

Maya: (head in hands) Baka... wait! Akagi-senpai!

----------

[Near the seventh cell.]

Jared: We're not lost?

James: We're not lost.

Jared: Then why is there a Ninja guard in front of us?

James: Well, technically just in front of you (easily ignores the glare)
but yes. A Ninja guard. Where you see one, there's likely a hundred.

Jared: (looks around) Then they'd be well hidden. (blinks) Ninja are
supposed to be well hidden, so I suppose that's possible.... This
doesn't look good.

Ninja Master: (seriously peeved) Are you going to shut up any time soon?

Jared: I'm done. Do you have anything to say before your untimely
demise?

Ninja Master: A weakling like you will fall to the great Ninja Horde in
no time.

Jared: Oh please, don't make me go James on your ass.

James: Hey!

[The Ninja Master attacks with his sword fist, barley giving Jared time
to finish his last insult. The Goon dodges backwards, tossing the
armored box aside and slipping instantly into a fighting stance.]

Jared: (looking down) My shirt! You die!

Ninja Master: You first!

[Screaming their battle cries, the two charge at one another, sword and
fist drawn back to deliver killing blows.]

----------

[At the park.]

Andy: The boulder test!

Shinji: What's the boulder test?

Andy: I select a boulder, and each of you must lift it yourselves. You
aren't allowed to leave until you can lift... (looks around, spotting
one huge rounded rock the size of a garage; points) that boulder!

Asuka: Fine. You lift it first, though.

Andy: Excellent, I'm glad you see things my--what?

Asuka: You lift it first.

Toji: (catching on) Yeah. No reason for us to waste our time, let's see
the 'great master' do it first.

Andy: (grumbles) Fine, but you're all making a big mistake.

[Andy takes up a position next to the rock and crouches in front of it.
The eldest, most destructive Goon frowns deeply. Then digs his hands
under the rock looking for purchase.]

Andy: (grunting) There... 

[Andy starts straining with effort, while Asuka smirks victoriously.]

Andy: (growling) Can...

[The rock shifts suddenly, Asuka's smirk vanishes.]

Toji: No way. 

Andy: (snarling) Be... 

[Slowly the rock begins to rise, lifting up part of the Earth with it.
Rei's eyes widen slightly.]

Andy: (roaring) ONLY ONE!! 

[With a violent thrust Andy lifts the rock, twice the size it first
appeared, over his head. He turns on his heel and addresses his
temporary students.]

Andy: (bellowing) BOW BEFORE ME WEAKLINGS, FOR I AM THE STRONGEST IN THE
UNIVERSE!

Asuka: Mein Gott! 

[Anime law dictates that at this time a lonely cicada chirps once to
attract attention then hops onto the boulder. We all know what happens
next.]

Andy: < -_- > I hate those bugs. 

[Thwump.]

Shinji: < o_o > Do you think he's dead?

Asuka: < 0_0 > I don't think we could be that lucky. 

[A dirty fist punches through the ground in front of them. Andy soon
follows pulling himself from the dirt and slowly rises to his feet.]

Andy: (overly dramatic story-telling mode) There I was! Miles beneath
the Earth's crust in the lair of the Mole People!! They were under
attack by the Evil Worm Masters... We battled for hours until finally
the enemy was totally crushed!! But it was a heavy victory... The Mole
People's King had been mortally wounded and thousands of his warriors
lay vanquished. On his death bed the King entrusted to me the fate of
his people. But, alas, my duties on the surface called to me. I handed
over the reigns of the kingdom to brave Mazuki who fought by my side in
that epic battle. With a heavy heart, I clawed my way back to the
surface only to find YOU (points at the Children) slack-jawed freaks
just standing around were I left you! (Bruce Campbell-style for the
quote) They wanted to make me king. But in my own way, I am king.
(Double V-for-Victory raised in the air, Mt. Fuji with Rising sun
background) HAIL TO THE KING, BABY!!

Shinji: Mucha-san? You were gone for five seconds and couldn't have been
pushed more than ten feet into the dirt.

Rei: you are probably suffering from a hallucination from the boulder
falling on you, mucha-sensei.

Andy: Then why is my WATCH off?!

Toji: (grabbing and twisting Andy's arm to look at his Mini-MAGI) It's
perfectly on time, baka. Let's go, guys.

[Toji turns and leaves. The rest soon follow leaving Andy to catch up.] 

[A minute later.] 

Mole Man A: (popping out of the hole Andy crawled out of) There goes a
great man.

Mole Man B: (joining Mole Man A) We shall truly miss him.

----------

[Hey kids! Hold on to your seats because Three Goons in Eva's first OAV
"Andy and the Mole People" is coming soon!]

Author John: Do you think they bought it? 

Author Andy: Us? Write an OAV for this exercise in lunacy? The audience
is smarter than that.

Author Jared: Yeah John, you shouldn't tease them with stuff we're not
going to even come back to.

Author John: Fine fine, no Mole People OAV then. Wouldn't be the first
plot hole we've ignored.

[Back to the story, guys.]

----------

[Misato bursts into the bridge, wiping off her smeared lipstick with one
hand and holding her unbuttoned blouse closed with the other.]

Misato: What the hell is going on down here?

Shigeru: (staring at the bridge screen in morbid fascination) It's John
and Ritsuko... they've been at it for forty-five minutes.

Misato: At what... why is John carrying a sword?

[Kaji comes in, conspicuously adjusting his pants.]

Kaji: (sees the screen) What the hell?

[On the main screen Ritsuko and John still haven't moved anything but
their mouths.]

Ritsuko: (on the monitor) Fucking Camper.

John: (on the monitor) Quad-whore.

Misato: (staring) This... is quite frightening.

Ritsuko: (on the monitor) Raving lunatic.

John: (on the monitor) Psycho bitch.

Kaji: (glancing at his watch) They already gave up on the alphabet
method?

Shiegeru: Ten minutes ago. Then they tried the shiritori method... that
wasn't pretty.

Ritsuko: (on the monitor) Evil genius.

John: (on the monitor) Mad scientist.

Misato: (impressed) I never made it past ten minutes in college with
her.

Ritsuko: (on the monitor) Freak.

John: (on the monitor) Quack.

Kaji: I made it to 30 minutes... then I ran away crying...

Ritsuko: (on the monitor, finally charging) Viva la Red Team!

John: (on the monitor, also charging) Blue Team forever!

----------

[On the field of battle. The swords come out right away, Ritsuko drawing
hers in a running batso-jitsu. John's draw looks like the stock footage
from an old American gladiator movie, though his blade draws a bit more
attention, being a nearly perfect replica of the Master Sword from the
famed Legend of Zelda adventure games.]

[Metal strikes metal hard enough to throw sparks amidst a flowing white
lab coat and evilly glinting glasses. The two separate instantly,
leaving after-images behind. Ritsuko goes for the treeline, dodging
swings from John's blade to get a measure of his weapon.]

Ritsuko: You really _act_ like you know what you're doing.

[John comes from above with an over-the-head strike, aiming to cleave
the scientist in two. Ritsuko steps to one side, swinging her sword
sideways at the Goon. John leans aside, letting the attack glance off
his own blade before backing away a few steps.]

John: I know how to survive, Rit-chan. And unlike you, I'm not here to
kill.

[Ritsuko attacks head on, John meets her charge, locking the blades.]

Ritsuko: Evil psychopath!

John: Dark Jedi.

Ritsuko: (evil smirk) Quite true.

[Ritsuko uses a Force shove to throw John back, but rather than
foolishly dive on him from above, she dashes up the nearest tree. John
quickly comes to a halt, leaving two furrows of up-turned dirt in the
ground, and runs after Ritsuko. Now the doctor dives from the tree,
ready to hit John like a hawk taking a field mouse. Running at full
speed with his sword behind him, John is wide open....]

----------

[Deep within NERV, the Ninja Master watches with awe (and slowly growing
respect) as Jared soundly trounces the rest of the Ninja Horde, Bruce
Lee style. He weaves through the mass of black figures, sometimes taking
out two or three in a single strike. After but a few minutes of this,
the entire Horde is unconscious on the ground. Upon a hastily erected
wooden platform about two feet off the ground, the Ninja Master smirks
evilly at Jared. The Goon fires back his own 'you're going down' Bruce
Lee stare.]

Jared: (assumes the position) Let's finish this, baby.

[The Ninja Master's smirk falls, and the sword comes out. The Ninja
Master then sets the armored box Jared has brought here on the platform
and charges again.]

Jared: Too slow!

[The Ninja Master blinks, looking at an after image of a smirking Jared
right in front of him. The Goon is already behind the NM, landing a
solid side kick into the commander of the Ninja Horde. After the
expected head-into-wall collision, Jared swaggers up to the NM and flips
the body over.]

Jared: Good thing you're not dead. If I'd killed you, I'd have to fill
out paperwork, and I hate paperwork.

James: Ditto.

Jared: Can you stay quiet for five seconds?

James: I think a trillion times faster than you; frankly, I'm bored.

Jared: (sighs, then pulls the mask of the NM) Holy shit.

James: No, it's a--

Jared: < 0_0 > SHUT. UP.

[Revealing a stunning young Japanese woman with long black hair the
color of darkest night. The perverted Goons stares at this visage of
beauty, dumbstruck. He stares at her so long, in fact, that she wakes
up.]

Ninja Master: Ungh.... Ow. I just had... just had this horrible dream,
obaasan--

[She freezes. Their eyes lock on one another. Then....]

Ninja Master: EEEEEEEK!!! PERVERT!

[Insert Love Hina stock footage here. If you haven't seen Love Hina, but
you have been reading TGE up to this point (you have been, haven't you?
Bad boy! Bad!), then you know what's happening to Jared right now any
way.]
 
James: Jared, no time to fall asleep, dude. We've got to finish this
before sunset, you know.

[Jared, a rumpled ball on the floor with swirlies for eyes, is not
capable of answering James at the moment.]

James: Jared? ... Well, shit.

----------

[John and Ritsuko have fought most of the way up the tower utilizing the
wide spiral staircase winds around the central structure. The stairway
is easily wide enough to accomodate five people walking abreast, though
it lacks any sort of hand rail on either side...]

Ritsuko: You fight like a weak little girl!

John: You fight like a dyslexic crab!

[The pair clear the last dozen steps and break onto the top of the
tower, twirling their weapons about them. John notices, with a
glare-hidden glance, that the top of the tower is a large rose garden.
All of the plants sprout the same blood red flower, with dirt paths
leading between clusters of the thorny plants. His lips a painfully
tight line, but eyes unreadable, he pushes onward.]

[The pair meet along one of the wider paths, a flurry of blow traded
between them. John hits lightly, checking his balance on the ground,
while Ritsuko duels with him confidently.]

[In a second clash, sparks fly. A third clash ends with a titanic metal
shattering noise as both swords snap neatly in two, their respective
halves flying past their intended targets, each passing fragment leaving
a single shallow scratch across the duelists' cheeks. Both stare at each
other in amazement, though you can't really tell with John, as his
glasses still has not left 'Glare-Mode.']

[With resigned ceremony, the two cast aside their hopelessly damaged
weapons. But while Ritsuko's was cast over the edge and to the ground
far below, John's lands at the edge of the platform amongst the many
flower-encrusted bushes.]

John: So...

[Ritsuko pulls a flashlight-like object from her belt. Not playing the
fool, John's eyes lock onto the object, realizing immediately what he is
now facing. With the push of a button, the air is filled with a keen
electric humming and a faint red glow.]

Ritsuko: Now, prepare to face the power of a fully trained Jedi Knight.

John: You wish.

[John draws his hands together as if clasping his own sword, though his
fingers close around empty air. He concentrates for a second, while
Ritsuko considers which limb to forcibly remove first. Suddenly, a
violet glow forms in John's hands, then extends into the air. The newly
formed ki blade nearly, but not completely, imitates the light saber in
the sound department.]

Ritsuko: What are you going to do with that, trim the rose bushes? Or
are you still compensating?

John: This is more than enough to cut _you_ down, dark one.

Ritsuko: (onimous tone) Strike me down, and I shall become more powerful
than you can imagine.

John: I doubt that.

[Woarown... Kshhhhhhhhzzzt.. Woarnrownroowrow... Ptooo! Kshhhhhawaow..
Rownarorrr! - Apologies to Penny Arcade.]

----------

[Within the sacred territory of the Lair of Engineers known to those on
the surface only as 'The Seventh Cell...']

Jared: You're completely fucking useless, you know that?

James: Don't blame your failure on me.

Jared: Why don't you do the world a favor and shut the fuck up.

James: Why don't you make like a tree and leaf.

Jared: (sighs) It's just not worth beating up on a watch.

James: C'mon, tough guy! This is the best shot you'll get at me!
Whe--err, if I ever get a body, I'll mop the floor with you!

Jared: (barks out a laugh) Hah! I'd love to see you try that. You may be
superior to every other 'normal' person in this universe, but I am as
far beyond you as you are beyond them.

James: Rules change, given time and reason, young one.

Jared: That doesn't concern me.

James: It may. It may.... I feel that you have yet to learn a proper
defeat.

Jared: A champion fears only losing. Others fear only winning.

[Jared walks through the darkness for several moments in silence.]

James: You've been working on that one for while now, haven't you?

Jared: Yeah. Did I rush it?

James: No, no. Excellent delivery.

Jared: Thank you. (stops) Jesus. Are we fucking _there_yet_?

James: There's a dirty joke in that somewhere....

Jared: Can it. Your whole life is a dirty joke.

James: Hey!

Voice: (from apparently nowhere) Who goes there?

[The one-man entourage and his armored box of... stuff, comes to a halt.
Before him is only darkness.]

Jared: Dorothy and a straw man who needs a brain.

James: YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!

[The darkness is brushed aside, revealed to be a midnight-black curtain,
behind which sits a jolly old man dressed in slacks and a very business
like buttoned shirt.]

Man: (mildly impressed) You actually got that joke.

Jared: Oz is a classic. Now tell me we're here.

Man: Nice watch. I'm Morton Wallace.

Jared: Jared Waddell.

Morton: You look half English....

Jared: One quarter, got a little German and everything else in me.

Morton: Ah. Another American. This, sir, is the Seventh Cell, a haven
for the dangerously inventive engineers within NERV. What is your
business here?

Jared: (holds up the box) Take me to your leader?

Morton: Another request? What is it this time?

Jared: I don't even want to know.

Morton: Let's go see the Boss.

[Morton goes up the wall behind his chair and unlocks the only visible
door with his key card. Once open, it admits Jared and Morton to the
Lair within. Cubicles stretch into the distance. To the right of the
door is a row of large tables covered in dog-eared drawings. Massive
computer terminals sit in each office, more than half in intense use.
Jared looks totally unimpressed.]

Jared: Twenty-first century engineering isn't much different from the
twentieth century variety.

Morton: Excuse me?

Jared: I am Jack's foot saying hello to Jack's mouth.

Morton: ... Okay. Here we are.

["Here" is a modest office filled with filing cabinets, a medium-sized
desk, three chairs, and two computers. A thin black man, skin the color
of night, sits behind the desk, dressed in a business suit. The
nameplate on the desk reads: Jerak Walters]

Morton: Sir, a Jared Waddell to see you.

Jerak: Good morning... afternoon... evening?

Jared: Beats me. Good day, sir. I have a package for you.

Jerak: (takes the box) Oh yes, this. I take it you're just playing
messenger?

Jared: Had to bust a few Ninja heads to get in.

James: Oh lord, not this again.

Jerak: The American boy with an AI on his wrist. Most interesting.

Jared: Don't worry about him, he's going back into the blender once I
get home.

Jerak: (chuckles) Well, I have the key for this. Do you want to stay
around and see what you've brought?

Jared: Curiosity beckons, but I have some duties to get back to. It's
been a pleasure.

Jerak: Likewise.

[They shake hands across the desk.]

----------

[Light intertwines with light, electric hisses and flying sparks dancing
about in an artistic display of awesome destructive power. Narrowed
brown eyes lock with impassable gleaming glass lenses. Spirits war for
struggle.]

[The author still fails to the find the proper words to describe the
rest of the fight as well as the beginning.]

John: (cut from above) SLUT!

Ritsuko: (block, sweep, force throw) MANIPULATIVE PSYCHO!

[Despite their ability to still scream insults at one another non-stop,
both fighters are beginning to tire. Matched evenly, for the time being,
each is using every advantage available. The rose bushes provide little
cover and even less distraction to each trained warrior, leaving the
scales of victory and defeat evenly balanced.]

John: (side slash) Your mother molested kittens!

Ritsuko: (parry) _Your_ mother drowned your siblings at birth!

[Another clash. Both charges are halted perfectly, leaving the
combatants to glare at each other over the humming blades stopped mere
inches from their bodies.]

John: (thoughtful tone) You know, you might be right.

[Ritsuko pulls back a fraction of a millimeter. John presses his
advantage hard, trying to slice Ritsuko into thirds as she stumbles
back. Her counter--a flick of the wrist--causes John's ki blade to
abruptly vanish.]

[A second later, his severed, smoking hand lands on the ground a dozen
meters behind the scientist.]

John: (grabbing the stump) You... TOTAL BITCH! THAT FUCKING _HURT_!!!

Ritsuko: (smirking) What do you expect? This is a sword fight, after
all.

John: You know, it's funny.

Ritsuko: (suspicious) What's funny?

John: This is going to hurt even more. (grabs his forearm just below the
elbow) AAAAAARRRGGGGHH!!!

[Between the cauterized wound and his hand, a bulge forms along John's
arm and ripples as if something is growing and moving inside the damaged
appendage. Then with a burst of blood (eeeww!) John's arm is once again
whole.]

[Ritsuko stares in amazement. Well, didn't that just beat all? John
waves and promptly does a perfect swan dive from the tower. Ritsuko
starts after him, but stops at the edge, looking down and expecting to
see a John-shaped hole in the ground. Instead, there is nothing but
empty space.]

[The Dark Jedi turns around slowly, noticing that while John left his
(spare?) hand in the garden, the nearby half of his ridiculous sword is
gone.]

Ritsuko: Interesting. (clicks the lightsaber off) I suppose he's heading
for the surface now.

----------

[The NERV control room. With the obvious exceptions of cooling fans,
fluorescent humming, air conditioning, and the odd bit of plumbing all
is silent. Slack jaws and bugged-out eyes are the order of the day as of
two minutes ago when John demonstrated an ability reserved for a very
few species. Half-full popcorn bowls lay untouched as Ritsuko finishes
her 200 meter decent (in one jump nonetheless) and begins hunting for
the American.]

[This is what Jared strolls into when he casually walks up and gooses
Misato. The Major yelps making everybody jump, then both herself and
Kaji snap around and slug Jared.]

Misato: Where the hell do you get off doing that?!

Jared: Just after the pinch and right before the punch.

Misato: (blink) (long pause) Are you bleeding on my command deck?

Jared: Maybe.

Misato: Where the hell have you been? Where's Andy? What the hell is
John?

Jared: (fully healed) Busy. Around town. One Badass Mother--

Misato: Shut up!

Jared: Fight still on?

Maya: < *_* > Senpai dealt swift justice to him and is chasing the
coward to the surface! (cheerleader outfit, waving inspirational fans)
Go! Go! Ritsuko! Yaah!

[The command center blinks as one.]

Misato: Hyuga, make a note. Ibuki's coffee rations are to be cut in half
and switched to decaf.

Makoto: Yes, ma'am.

Maya: (normal uniform) Noooooo!I'llbegood,Ipromise!I'llkeepquietabout-
howmySenpaiisgoingtoripGenonianewoneandwon'tevensayapeepabouthowgreat-
sheis!Oh,Akagi-sama,ifonlyIcouldfindthewordstoexpressmytruefeelings-
foryou!ButI'mdivergingfrommypromisetokeepquietduringtherestofthisduel-
betweentheGreatAkagi-samaandtheEvilGenoni!(extendeddramaticswoon;
smilingcutely)

Jared: (blink) Oooookay.

Misato: Someone get Maya some insulin, please. Anyone?

[Random Bridge Bunny runs off.]

Kaji: Um, Misato? If John and Ritsuko are heading for the surface, and
Andy and the kids are on the surface....

Misato: Someone tell me where the kids are.

Makoto: (after some typing) Asuka's in one of the surface offices.

Misato: Today was her Japanese Language Final Exam. She'll be safe
with the professor there.

Makoto: The rest of the kids are at the West-side Mall. But it seems
Andy is headed for the same building Asuka is in.

Misato: What the hell could he want there?

Jared: (failed attempt to be cryptic) Not what, who.

----------

[Andy is flying casually, minding more to his Mini-MAGI than his
direction. He's certainly working the holo-keyboard in a l33t m4d fury.]

Andy: ...And with the diffusion matrix running smoothly, continuous fire
should be sustainable with only a maximum 2 degree spread... at maximum
range... Acceptable. (a small light starts beeping in the lower corner
of the screen) Ahhh... Revenge.

----------

[The Takahashi Liberal Arts building, aka Weapons Building 67, is an
entire building for "arteests" and writers to gather and share ideas,
learn from their peers or shout "F.U." to the world and throw themselves
onto the easy-clean tiles. All while right next to a giant assault rifle
waiting for war.]

[One Asuka Langley Sohryu knows this spot only as a place she can obtain
an Eva weapon, and should the need arise, where she could arm herself
and wait for NERV security to provide protection and assistance. Escape
plans keep running through her head even though she has little reason to
feel unsafe.]

[Well, maybe one reason. One big reason that dresses in a gray montsuki
and black hakama, punishes failure harshly and promptly, and can put an
ordinary Styrofoam eraser through six inches of reinforced concrete. A
reason better suited to the Tokugowa era of Samurai and civil war than
21st century Tokyo-3 with Italian fashion and titanic bio-mecha. But you
need no one else if you want results guaranteed to stay with you for the
rest of your life. Asuka has even been dreaming in Japanese after the
first few intense sessions and she recently found herself reflexively
writing in kanji to her step-mother in Germany. Yes, the Psycho Sensei
is a man to be respected above all else.]

Psycho Sensei: (Lotus position) You, Ms. Sohryu, are late for your exam.

Asuka: I'm on time!

Psycho Sensei: (eyes open, sharply) Cordial manners dictate that you
should be five to seven minutes earlier than expected.

Asuka: By that--

Psycho Sensei: SILENCE! You are forbidden to speak! (flings a nearby
clipboard at Asuka's head) You will write! Or you will FAIL!

[Asuka barely manages to catch the speeding projectile and gives the
Sensei her angriest glare. Then she writes, 'By your logic, one would
then have to arrive five minutes before that, since they are expected to
arrive five minutes early. But now that is the respected time and so you
must arrive five minutes before that and so on and so forth. In the end
you are expected to be present the very moment the meeting is being
scheduled, often days in advance!']

Psycho Sensei: (frowns as he reads and grunts) Should you not fail, you
will arrive five minutes early for your certificate. Now I will dictate
to you and you will write. (clears his throat and produces a pitcher of
water, then he picks up a large book) "It was the best of times, it was
the worst of times..."

[Asuka's exasperated look is one for Kodak. She clears her throat
loudly. Then writes, 'There are only thirty sheets of paper in this pad.
"A Tale of Two Cities" is over five-hundred pages untranslated! You
can't expect me to rewrite a classic novel!']

Psycho Sensei: Mayhap, young one, but I am the Sensei and I say--

Asuka: (pointing while diving) LOOK OUT!!

[A simple Japanese car crashes through the 23rd story window, aimed
directly at the deranged teacher. The sensei springs up and over the
vehicular projectile, landing in a calm vertical stance while the car
slams into the wall behind him. Asuka picks herself up and looks out the
shattered window.]

[Andy is hovering in classic Vegeta stance, arms crossed, full smirk on
his face, the threat of unadulterated pain in his eyes.]

Asuka: You Maniac! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!!

Psycho Sensei: I said, 'You will write, or you will FAIL!'

Asuka: < -_- > (holds up a sign with her exact words written on it)

Psycho Sensei: Much better.

Andy: Don't ignore me! I'm here to defeat you!

Psycho Sensei: (looking sideways at Andy) Is this a challenge?

Andy: (still floating) Maybe....

Psycho Sensei: (faces Andy) You.... Ah, yes. The loud one who was late
for all of his classes. I have no quarrel with you, stranger!

Andy: (smirks) Guess again.

Psycho Sensei: (glances at the car) My car.... (snap)

[With a great leap, the Psycho Sensei propels himself at the hovering
Goon. Andy shoots down the initial eraser salvo with ease but is caught
without a proper blast for the Human missile.]

----------

[Down in the GeoFront, Ritsuko is standing next to a bank of elevators,
tapping her foot impatiently. The Force tells her John is close, but as
usual, it's being an enigmatic bastard about it. The old janitor (who
offered her a mint like a grandparent dispensing candy) was equally
cryptic.]

Old Man: (voice over) The fowl who circles the pond is as foolish as the
one who dives right in. Altoid?

Ritsuko: (thinking) Just what the hell was that supposed to mean?!

[Ding.]

[A hand reaches from the elevator and yanks the good doctor inside. Just
as she reacts a wave of pressure pins her against the wall.]

Ritsuko: Cheap-shot bastard!

John: Ha! Altoid man was right!

Ritsuko: Don't tell me you understand what he says.

John: (as if it's as clear as crystal) The goldfish shall swallow the
tiger only when the peach blossoms are frozen in the sun.

Ritsuko: (blank stare)

John: The mind tricks of a Jedi Master only work on the weak-minded, but
the mind tricks of a Zen Master are for everyone.

Ritsuko: You're full of nothing but shit, you know that?

John: < ^_^ > I'm going to the surface to get some ice cream, wanna
come?

Ritsuko: (starts struggling) Fuck you.

John: Is there a different floor you want then?

Ritsuko: I said fuck you, you mother--

[Let's skip the next few minutes, shall we?]

Ritsuko: --starting, SON OF A BITCH! (panting)

John: Kiss your mother, Maya, Gendo, Kaji... (counts on his fingers
silently) with that mouth? (counts on his fingers again) Damn, girl!
You do get around.

Ritsuko: RRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

John: Careful, Rit-chan, you'll strain something.

[A few more floors tick by.]

John: Heh, it's funny. A full minute of pep-talk, psyching myself up
with a full on adrenaline boost for what? Half a second to grab the
tiger by the tail and render you helpless. All that stress to the system
for a fraction of a moment. Is it really worth it all?

Ritsuko: Shut the fuck up. Just do it. Just fucking do it and let me be
rid of you one way or another.

John: Yeah, yeah, and if I strike you down, you'll become more powerful
and my imagination will allow for. I told you already, Akagi, I'm not
here to kill you. But you'll understand, of course, if I don't let you
free just yet.

Ritsuko: (closes her eyes and begins to meditate)

John: Good, you could use some relaxation. Look, Akagi, I've got you
pinned. You're at my mercy right now. Can't you just accept that neither
of us are going to be carrying the other's head home? If this goes on
any longer we're going to end up on Tokyo Tower and I will NOT let it
come down to that!

Ritsuko: (sounding much calmer) This isn't X, this isn't some stupid
anime, this is real life.

John: And it's ending one second at a time. How are you going to spend
the rest of your life, Ritsuko? Following the whims of a madman bent on
destroying humanity just to see the wife he's responsible for killing?

Ritsuko: That's none of your business.

John: Being liquefied because some dick-head can't move on _is_
_definitely_ my business.

Ritsuko: (thinking) That's it, keep talking. Even if he keeps me here,
the longer he uses his energy like this, the weaker he'll be on the
surface.

John: Look, just accept that I've beaten you and we'll get some nummy
ice cream, okay? Just-- ... Bad! Bad Hand! No groping the mad scientist!

Ritsuko: (looking down) Wha? AAAHH!! You sick, dirty, perverted--

John: Hey! It's not my hand anymore!

Ritsuko: Get it off me!

John: Eew! I ain't touching that thing! What the hell are you doing with
my severed hand in the first place?

Ritsuko: Souvenir.

John: You have issues. Fuck, you have subscriptions!

[Ritsuko smirks. Silence reigns for several more levels. With little
more to do than think, the Mad Scientist decides to pick the American's
questionable mind.]

Ritsuko: So...

John: So...

Ritsuko: What is up with those damn lenses?

John: Oh, that. You don't need to know.

Ritsuko: Who are you to tell me something like that?

John: It's my job to see that the right people get the right information
at the right time.

Ritsuko: You can tell me now, or else.

John: Else what? You're already planning to kill me! (pause) My
optometrist is currently in the hospital, mental ward.

Ritsuko: Looks like they grabbed the wrong guy.

John: Perhaps, perhaps not. They say that the eyes are the windows to
the soul. Are you willing to risk yours just to see mine?

Ritsuko: You know, you're trying to be dramatic, and it's just not
working.

John: (sticks his tongue out) I just need a better audience, that's all.

[A few more floors tick by on the direct route to the surface.]

Ritsuko: Altoid man?

John: Hmm? Oh, well, what do you call him?

Ritsuko: I don't know. I mean, I've seen him around here and there
before, but I never bothered to ask his name or even see some ID.

John: Afraid of the answer?

Ritsuko: (angry) Didn't I tell you to fuck off?

John: Ok, this is getting ridiculous, is it your time of the month or
what?

Ritsuko: I'm not going to even dignify that with an answer.

John: Fine.

[Nobody says anything for the rest of the ride.]

----------

[The Command Room.]

Jared: Well? What happened to the picture?

Maya: (hands balled up under chin, chibified) Oooooooh, Akagi-sama! What
is happening? Have you defeated that insolent fool yet? I wanna see your
glorious victory!

[Pfft!]

Maya: What... is... this? (thump)

Misato: (addressing several large men in heavy-duty black armor) That
was a nice shot, but you were supposed to wait for the signal.

Androgynous voice: She was getting out of hand, there may not have been
time.

Misato: Next time wait for the signal! Dismissed.

[The team marches out of the hall.]

Jared: (staring at Maya's unconscious form) Umm....

Misato: Yes, those guys were aiming at you. If I give the word, they'll
drop you as well. In fact....

Jared: Let's not worry about that right now. Why can't we see inside
that elevator!

Makoto: John zapped the camera a while ago.

Jared: Oh, I must have blinked. FOR ABOUT TEN SECONDS!

Kaji: It was during the time you were trying to look down Katsuragi's
shirt.

Misato: WHAT?!

[While the Major chases Jared around the office trying to pistol-whip
the pervert, Shigeru checks the status of the surface level cameras and
Makoto notes that Asuka seems to be getting a ride back to NERV. Maya
sleeps on.]

----------

[NERV shuttle, en route to headquarters.]

[Asuka is gazing through the van's tinted window at the passing city,
something is obviously troubling her from the look on her face. After a
few blocks, she finally turns to the van's only other passenger.]

Asuka: Sensei, was leaving Andy there the best course of action?

Psycho Sensei: He is very stubborn, but he will not attack me until he
feels his power is great enough.

Asuka: But his power _is_ great! Just ninety-minutes ago, I witnessed
him draw a boulder from the Earth the size of a convenience store!

Psycho Sensei: Young Sohryu, power isn't everything.

Asuka: I know that! But he's still far far stronger than a normal
person!

Psycho Sensei: And what am I? Chopped liver?

Asuka: That's not what I meant!

Psycho Sensei: Mucha-san still has much to learn in the ways of ki. It
is up to him to develop his talents.

Asuka: (after a moment) Teach me how to defeat someone like that.
Someone stronger, faster--

Psycho Sensei: You already have trainers, young one. Of questionable
quality and effectiveness to be sure, but I would not accept a student
so eager to shift around.

Asuka: I don't 'shift around!' They keep shuffling us around like some
ridiculous card game! Genoni uses Wondergirl to tease Andy from afar,
Mucha hasn't taught Shinji or Suzuhara anything remotely effective, and
Jared didn't even put up a fight when-- (stops before she says too much)

Psycho Sensei: (eyes remain closed, but one eyebrow raises) Then adapt.
Learn what you can from whoever is training you now. Do not solicit me
on this matter again.

Asuka: 'Don't call us, we'll call you.'

Psycho Sensei: (grunt) ???

Asuka: An American semi-polite way to deny a proposal, Sensei.

Psycho Sensei: No, not that. Driver! Kamakura Street elevator, quickly!

Driver: Yes, Sir!

----------

[Kamakura St. One of a thousand roads in the city-fortress known as
Tokyo-3. Alone, it's nothing too special: a preferred sushi bar here, a
favorite comic book store there, an apartment building down the road,
hidden weapons caches dotted around the avenue.... But what started as
petty theft has turned into The Fight of the Hour (votes for Fight of
the Week were still being tallied) and now all eyes are on the false toy
store that the secure elevator arrives at. There are a few seconds of
pause, then John bursts out from the front of the store in a diving roll
scattering pedestrians in all directions. He's instantly on his feet
facing the shop from the middle of the street as Ritsuko calmly uses the
door to exit.]

Shigeru: Wow, they're both still alive.

Makoto: And both of them seem to be unharmed.

John: (on screen) We can probably stop now. This fight has served it's
purpose.

Misato: (sharp look to Jared) What's he talking about?

Jared: (shrugs and lies) Probably made Ritsuko miss her soaps or
something.

Misato: Don't make me call the tranq-squad back here.

Jared: Hmmph, I've taken in enough tranquilizer to drop a whale, I fear
no elite sleep squad!

Kaji: Shhh! I can't what they're saying.

[On the street.]

John: That... that was harsh. I mean, you've said some pretty nasty
things to me in the past two hours, but that one really cut deep. My
grandkids are going to be born with complexes because of that one.

[Ritsuko draws her light saber, but doesn't activate it.]

Ritsuko: Last chance.

John: Ha! You think I am at a disadvantage?!

[Camera angle changes so we can see a cylindrical object tucked into
John's belt. John grasps the object and, in a sweeping draw, depresses
the bright red button near the head. Centrifugal forces (contact your
local physicist about the truth behind this "force" kids!) extend a
series of tapered cylinders resulting in a long neon green cone.]

John: Fear my mad Jedi skillz!

Ritsuko: (under her breath) 'Mad' is right. (out loud) You've got to be
kidding me.

[Command Center.]

Misato: He's lost his mind.

Jared: No, he's just using it. Sure it's possible to extend your ki into
a blade itself. But the concentration required is a headache all on it's
own. Much easier to find a suitably shaped object and focus your ki off
that.

Makoto: He didn't seem to have too much difficulty with the ki blade
earlier.

Jared: What?!

Shigeru: Yeah, he formed a nice purple one before Ritsuko cut off his
hand.

Jared: Cut off... his....

Shigeru: But then it grew back.

Jared: Grew... back?

Shigeru: You ok, dude?

Jared: (dark frown) ... I must find Andy. (leaves the Command Center)

Shigeru: What was that all about?

Makoto: Who cares? But I think John is really hurting in the power
department if he can't form a blade on his own anymore.

[The Street]

John: You can't win, Akagi. Defeat will only make me stronger.

Ritsuko: (finally activates her light saber) We'll see.

[There's the sound of squealing tires in the distance as the two
duelists inch closer. Then out of right-field a standard NERV shuttle
van hits the American. John is rolled up the sloped front of the
vehicle, down the length of the roof and dropped onto his feet exactly
where he was standing.]

John: (obviously dizzy) What the hell was that all about?!

[Ritsuko tenses, ready to capitalize on the opening when a larger,
heavier, transport comes from the left and hits the Goon. This time John
is dragged under the large black APC a few yards, before the six-wheeled
monster screeches to a halt. A second carrier pulls up in-between the
Jedi and her prey as the crew of the first transport charge out with
electric batons. Asuka tries to get out of the van but is stopped by
Psycho Sensei as he gets between her and the crew of the second APC
running crowd control.]

[The Command Center.]

Makoto: Who the fuck--

[There is a steadily pulsing light from between the two APCs and the
cameras static-out for a few seconds.]

Kaji: Ouch.

Misato: (blink) Those cameras could operate during a nuclear attack...

Kaji: Double ouch.

[On the screen, the light show stops, the men in black armor grab John,
throw him into one of the carriers, hustle back into their rides and
drive off leaving everyone to gaze at the scorched asphalt and wonder
what the fuck just happened.]

Asuka: ... What the fuck just happened?

[Well said.]

----------

[A half-hour later, Eva Cage 08. The Eva of Death, Unit-04, seems to be
undergoing a serious retrofitting. Its wings are gone and its chrome-
colored armor is being replaced by duller gunmetal-gray plates. Most of
the construction seems to revolve around the upper torso, which (though
constrained) is bare and free of its weapon-bracelets and claws. Above
the sounds of construction, and Bob barking orders, there is a steady
thumping noise echoing throughout the cage.]

Jared: I figured I'd find you here.

Andy: (pauses on his Viking Slave-drum) S'up?

Jared: You seem well for somebody who got their ass handed to him by the
Psycho Sensei.

Andy: (resumes pounding on the drums) Defeat will only make me stronger.

Jared: Speaking of stronger, what's your take on this whole John-Ritsuko
thing?

Andy: (non-chalant) Dibs on his Nintendo stuff.

Jared: I see. You do know that John is fighting Ritsuko, don't you?

Andy: I gathered as much. A lowly peon is recording the event for me.
Are we still out of popcorn?

Jared: No, I got some the other day.

Andy: Then all is well.

Jared: They say John re-grew his own hand. Not re-attached, _grew_ a new
one, Piccolo-style.

Andy: And he seems to have gotten the basics to the Instant Transmission
down well enough. Though his power is weak, he seems quite adept at
focusing it properly.

Jared: Just yesterday we gauged we were around 300. How can he possibly
do any of that?

Andy: Especially since he'd rather just sit there instead of advance
like a true warrior!

Jared: Is it possible to meditate that kind of power?

Andy: It would seem so; though I highly doubt it. There must be some
source feeding Genoni. I trust you are not just wasting my time again,
_the_point_, if you please.

Jared: The Roof.

Andy: Soon enough.

Jared: You know they're not following your drum.

Andy: Yes, but the sun doesn't set for another forty minutes and I would
like the correct backdrop for your crushing defeat.

Jared: Only in your dreams, Mucha. One more thing, I take it you're
going to be busy here tomorrow and I figure John has probably burnt
himself out by now so he's not going to be doing much of anything. I'm
going to take the kids up with Units-03, 05 and 07 and work them on the
Kamehameha Wave.

Andy: A reasonable idea, start them off on the weakest attack first then
I will learn them the true power!

Jared: (gives Andy the 'whatever!' wave) Don't keep me waiting.

----------

[The prophecied sunset has begun. We find Jared and Andy in their usual
stances upon said roof.]

[And...]

[And...]

[...]

[...]

[...]

[AND?!!]

[Oh, fuck this. We'll come back later.]

----------

[Open on the roof, sometime after dark. The Tokyo-3 skyline lights up
the scene of Jared and Andy standing in their Poses just as before.]

Andy: (finally speaking) Isn't someone going to say 'start' or 'fight'
or ANYTHING?!!

Jared: Dude, that's the ref's job!

Andy: Yeah!

[Long pause.]

Jared: Where... the fuck... is our referee?

Andy: How would I know?

Jared: You know what this means, don't you?

Andy: No ru--(doubles over as Jared hits him like a battering ram)--OOF!

[Just then, the access door opens, admiting Shinji.]

Shinji: There you are! I've been looking all over for you two.

Jared: (blank stare) That's funny. Usually everyone seems to know where
we are.

Andy: (coming to his feet) Speaking of knowing where people are, have
you seen our missing referee?

Shinji: Hunh? Well, John's been missing since this afternoon and you two
left your Mini-MAGI in your apartment...

Jared: WHOA! WHOA! Back up there, Ace. Who's this John guy, some extra?

Shinji: (blinks, very confused) Your friend.

Andy: Who?

Shinji: The EVIL guy with the glasses.

Andy: What is he talking about?

Jared: No clue, dude. Weren't we fighting?

Andy: (takes up a stance facing Shinji) Him?

Jared: (also takes up stance) Maybe.

[Shinji uncertainly takes up a stance. John alone could handle the
pilot, and despite the fact that the Psycho One was rapidly gaining a
Reputation, the other two Americans were not to be taken lightly.
Especially at the same time. Then an F-type bomber flew over head.]

Andy: (looking to the plane) < *_* > DUDE!

Jared: (also looking to the plane) < -_- > Dude?

[Andy bounds off the roof, to land on the next building, then off to
another roof, and other, and so-on, Ranma style. Jared follows a
half-step behind him.

[Well, shit.]

Shinji: Well, shit.

[Exactly.]


           --------------------------------------------------

                              TITLE FLASH:

                           Three Goons in Eva
                               Episode 7

                      Rebirth of a Fallen Angel /
                       "Yes, Ellen, there are..."

           --------------------------------------------------

[Two days later (Thursday) in the early stages of a Tokyo-3 sunrise, La
Casa del Goon stirs and two of the most dangerous people in the world
start their morning routines.]

Jared: I was here first!

Andy: Were not!

Jared: Was too!

Andy: Were not!

Jared: Was... too?

Andy: Were... not?

Jared: Doesn't somebody usually shove us aside about now?

Andy: Yeah...

[Five minutes go by.]

Jared: I guess trucks have the right-of-way, I'll start the coffee.

Andy: What?! Why you!! I'll (steps forward and slips on an empty Mt. Dew
can) WAAAAH! Who left this here?!

Jared: You did. Days ago.

Andy: My garbage never stays on the floor!

Jared: No, that one guy... what's-his-name cleans up...

James: (to no one in particular) Don't worry folks, I'm sure they'll
figure it out eventually.

----------

[Meanwhile, in a poorly-lit room in an undisclosed location.]

Misato: Oh YES! YES! Give it to mEEE! AAAAHHH!!!

[...]

[Er... um... yeah.]

[Meanwhile, in the cell where John is being held captive.]

[John sits up and looks around. He's sitting on a simple cot, brand new.
An energy efficient halogen bulb built into the ceiling provides the
lighting. The toilet in the corner is a newer model, clean. The walls
are unmarked, no scratches, chips, or cracks. A personal inspection
finds several medical patches over vital areas, most likely to monitor
when the Goon wakes up. Or surgical explosives for when the Goon acts
up. Either way, they're off before ten seconds pass. His outer clothes
are gone, replaced by a prison jumpsuit in Hunting Orange (Andy's
favorite).]

John: (thinking) Everything is new and unused, Tokyo-3 is only a few
years old itself, so I'm probably in a secured basement in town. Hmmm, I
can't sense anything except for this level... some kind of jamming
preventing me from teleporting. (out loud) How long was I out?

[There is no immediate response to the youngest (though arguably wisest)
Goon. But soon enough guards are summoned outside debating how best to
handle the situation. Ganging up on a burnt-out trouble-maker is one
thing, but trying to take him on after a 48-hour nap is suicide.]

Guard 1: That was a fucking Jedi Knight he was dancing with when we
grabbed him!

Guard 2: What about Hiroshi? Didn't he take basic Jedi in college?

Guard 3: That was a junior college though.

Guard 1: He doesn't know that.

Guard 4: At least he _wouldn't_ if you guys had left the window on the
door shut!

Guard 3: Damnit! This is all your fault!

Guard 2: Is not!

[As the squabbling continues, John smirks to himself pocketing a small,
hastily-constructed voodoo doll made of toilet paper and the shredded
sleeves of his blue undershirt in the prison-issue's pocket.]

John: Point, suckers.

[The cell doors open admitting a very large man in equally large body
armor with a quite larger weapon that looks so heavy, the suit has to be
augmenting the man's strength. The soldier glares at the American
through a thick impact mask.]

Guard 4: Anything to say before I waste you?

John: (subtle hand wave) Take me to your leader, I don't play with
peons.

----------

[The apartment complex, home of Humanity's Saviors in room 723 and
Humanity's Doom in 724. Said Doombringers are leaving their apartment
right now in the early hours of the morning fully prepared to start
their day and... why are they dragging themselves along the ground?]

Andy: (groan) <Translation: I can't believe you don't know how to work
the coffee maker.>

Jared: (grunt) <That one guy... you know... usually starts the coffee
after he gets out of the shower first.>

Andy: (moan) <That peon will be severely punished for neglecting his
duties!>

Jared: (gurgle) <But first we need to find some coffee.>

[An hour passes as they barely manage to summon someone to the door.]

Shinji: Waddell-sensei! What happened?

Jared: (in his best zombie imitation) C-...C-cof...eeee.

Shinji: Yessir! (runs to the kitchen)

Asuka: Hey! Where's the fire? Oh... it's you two.

Andy: Weak... -ling....

Shinji: (returning with coffee) Here you go, guys.

[Jared and Andy are suddenly vertical and unfortunately back to
themselves again. Almost immediately, Asuka has to send Jared into a
wall.]

Asuka: I'm getting sick of this every morning, where is John?!

Andy: Who?

Asuka: John. John Genoni. Your roommate?

Andy: (to Jared) What in blazes is this wench babbling about?

[Much violence directed at Andy.]

Jared: Where's Misato?

Asuka: She's _still_ not back from her date with Kaji yet.

Shinji: Are we going to be skipping school to train again, Waddell-
sensei?

Jared: Yes, find Rei and Toji. Meet us in the pilot briefing room.

Asuka: And where are you going to be?

Jared: We must find this 'John' person and see what he knows about our
missing slave.

[Jared leaves, dragging Andy behind him.]

Shinji: I wonder why John hasn't come back on his own yet.

Asuka: Isn't it obvious? Genoni is not some perpetual fountain of
energy, baka. He burnt out everything he had Tuesday and has obviously
been recuperating in his holding cell waiting for the right moment to
escape.

Shinji: But this is John we're talking about. Even if he was at full
power he'd feign weakness, try to fuck every head in earshot, and only
leave when he got tired of the local bullshit level.

Asuka: < *_* > I love it when you talk dirty.

[Asuka pounces.]

Shinji: Ack! Asuka, we really should be going right now! HELP! SOMEBODY!
G-SEVENTEEN!

[Pfft. Pfft.]

[Not much later.]

Toji: Bye folks, I'm off to school! I-- ... Shinji, where are your
pants?

Shinji: I'd rather not talk about that right now.

Toji: Why is your shirt all shredded?

Shinji: I said I don't want to talk about it!

----------

[A small bistro in the part of town most people aren't welcome. Of
course, the pair discussing 'Plans of ACTION' are not 'most people.'
Hell, it's debatable whether they are 'people' at all....]

Jared: It has to be SEELE. Only they would send JSDF shock-troops to
capture one of us. Gendo would just call a meeting or something
low-profile.

Andy: What if that's what they want us to think? What if they want us to
think that they want us to think that? What if they...

Jared: (ignoring the Maniac) So our destination is John... whoever he
is, but if SEELE has him we don't know where he could be held.

Andy: (continuing) ...but since we know this, then they are really doing
something else as a diversion, of course they expect us to figure that
out, so...

Jared: We won't need guns, our powers should suit us just fine. But we
are sorely under-dressed for any sort of rescue attempt.

Andy: (almost frothing now) ...so then they know everything but we know
this, so we know everything too! WE CAN'T LOSE!

Jared: Welcome back, you bring me anything?

Andy: Were you paying attention to anything I just said?!

Jared: You were talking?

Andy: DAMMIT! As the strongest, I am in charge! You must hang off of my
every word!

Jared: I have a plan, it involves movie rip-offs, trench coats, and lots
of explosions.

Andy: (suspicious, but interested) I'm listening...

----------

[Outside Rei's apartment.]

Asuka: Hey, Wondergirl! Open up! We have training again today.

[A few minutes pass, of course, Asuka's patience doesn't last that long.
She is about ready to open the door forcibly, when Rei lets herself
out.]

[The two adolescents look at each other for a moment, Rei in her school
uniform, Asuka in some light summer clothes, but nothing near a dress.]

Rei: he shot you down again, didn't he?

Asuka: WHAT?!

Rei: shinji-kun, he denied your sexual advances towards him again,
didn't he?

Asuka: That's--that's none of your business!

Rei: your advances are too aggressive, so you frighten him away. if you
don't give him some breathing room, you may find him here the next time
i am sent for. (actually smirks)

Asuka: < 0_0 > Wha-- WHAT?!

Rei: (normal facial expression) genoni-san gave me a to-do list. would
you consider your head fucked-with right now?

Asuka: Yes! I mean, no! I-- Genoni gave you a list of people to mess
with?!

Rei: hai. (makes a mark in her spiral note pad) he suggested that your
weakness would be shinji-kun. toji-san's is hikari-chan. shinji-kun's is
you. misato-san's is--

Asuka: I get the point! ... Shinji's mental weakness is me?

Rei: one of many, according to genoni-san. who will be training us
today?

Asuka: The Pervert and the Maniac, of course. Genoni is still missing.

[There is a ghost of something in Rei's face, but it's too faint for
even those who can read Rei to tell.]

Rei: someone is looking for him though, yes?

Asuka: Dumb and Dumber are supposedly looking for him right now. But you
know those two....

Rei: hai. we are meeting them somewhere, yes?

Asuka: The briefing room, though it may be a few hours before they
decide to grace us with their presence.

Rei: they will find him.

[As the two adolescents leave the building, men in black suits arrive
from the opposite stairwell and move towards Rei's apartment, each with
a large black bag in their hands.]

----------

[The cafe.]

Andy: (finishing up one of his plans) ...and the cops won't even be
there until we're already gone!

Jared: That is truly a daring and well-thought plan to do the laundry.
We'll have to try it later.

Andy: Excellent. Now, about your plan, I see a fatal flaw in it.

Jared: What are you talking about? It worked in "The Matrix."

Andy: It worked in "The Matrix" because it involved The One. I don't see
Keanu Reeves around, do you?

Jared: _I_ am the One.

Andy: (slowly, as if to a child) Nooo, John is the one with the Series
Hero Effect. That would make him the One. There can't be two Ones! THERE
CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Jared: You've been waiting to say that all day, haven't you?

Andy: < ^_^ > Of course.

Jared: You make a good point, but I can prove you wrong.

Andy: How?

----------

[Cut to a local batting cage. Jared is standing in the batter's box,
ready stance. Andy is next to the control box, chuckling maniacally as
he comes up with a doozy of a pitch. To those who read Penny Arcade,
don't skip ahead. We've added some filler for... flavor.]

Jared: Any time now.

Andy: Soon enough, Waddell!

Jared: Now, watch me dodge this fastball and then stop all further
missiles from harming me!

Andy: Prepare to suffer, fool! (jabs the button)

[A standard-sized baseball comes rocketing out of the machine, curves
left and beans some 6-year-old in the helmet. Then the ball ricochets
off the cage roof and pegs the controls of some other machine causing a
salvo of leather to chase a young girl out of the cages. Andy's ball has
lost most of its kinetic energy by now and slowly rolls until it taps
the edge of Jared's shoe.]

Jared: Care to explain?

Andy: You didn't dodge the ball! I AM VICTORIOUS!

Jared: Why did--

Andy: What is with everybody questioning my methods?! The ends justify
the means!

Jared: But--

Andy: (as if it's completely obvious) If you _must_ know, that girl took
the last of the chocolate fudge swirl at the ice cream vendor yesterday.
And the boy was making faces at me on the train last week!

Jared: < -_- > Oh... can I just get some simple fastballs then, if
you're done with revenge on the populous for the most inane things?

Andy: MY COLD VENGEANCE HAS NOT YET BEGUN! CRY HAVOC! (lets fly the
balls of war)

[Precisely aimed baseballs scatter the small number of patrons (it is a
school day after all). Until only the Americans are left.]

Andy: Now that we have some privacy.... (fiddles with the controls
again)

Jared: Ahhh, (nods in understanding) easier to explain a Maniac in an
amusement center, than someone dodging--

Andy: FIRE ONE!

[Twack!]

Jared: Paaaaain....

Andy: FIRE TWO!

[Twack!]

Jared: (croaking) ... medic...

Andy: FIRE EVERYTHING!!

[Twack! Thud! Thhhk! Smack! Whack! Etc.!]

Andy: (gleefully, as the carnage continues) Usually I have to pay for
this kind of entertainment.

----------

[The meeting room where John is now being held.]

Over-polite attendant #1: We've been expecting you, sir.

Over-polite attendant #2: Yes, it seems that you were beaten down a
little too much during your acquisition. This meeting was supposed to be
done days ago.

John: Days? How long was I out?

OPA #1: I'm sorry, but I'm not sure we were supposed to tell you.

John: Understandable, I assure you, but since you have already spilled
the beans, so to speak, you might as well let me know.

OPA #2: It couldn't have been more than a day or two. Did you have any
appointments? We can reschedule them for you.

John: (thinking) One very important to me. (out loud) No, no, just
expecting company. Shall we get on with this?

OPA #1: Of course. Can we get you anything before you start? Vodka
Martini? Cigar? Brandy?

John: (smirk) That depends on what color eyes Brandy has.

OPA #2: (playfully) Oh, you cad!

John: I don't suppose I could get my clothes and stuff back, most of
that equipment is on loan.

OPA #1: Why certainly, all you have to do is punch one of the walls in
your cell, talk to the secret agent in the next room after untying him,
leave through the unlocked door, go down the hall to the next room, get
past the shotgunner, and your stuff is in the room on the right.

[Metal Gear, anyone? Anyone?!]

John: Sounds... simple enough.

OPA #2: You don't happen to have any remote-guided missiles, do you?

John: I'm sorry, no.

OPA #1: Oh, then you may have some trouble.

John: Ah, well I'm sure I can figure something out.

OPA #2: Best of luck to you, sir. But first, there is the interrogation
to do first.

OPA #1: (indicates a chair) If you'd please sit here, sir.

John: There wouldn't happen to be any restraints, cleverly hidden by the
holographics, is there?

OPA #2: Well of course, silly. What kind of interrogation lets the
prisoner wander free?

John: I can think of a job interview I once did... no, (shudder) never
mind. However, I think this whole bondage thing indicates a lack of
trust, in fact a breach of contract. I believe it was John Locke who
said something akin this. That my agreement to not waste everything in a
five-mile radius, is only bound by your agreement to not restrain me.
Seeing as I've been so very cooperative thus far, it would be rude of
you to bind me, and rude of me to violate your trust in me not to erase
you from existence. So if I promise to stay in this room for the
duration of the interrogation, do I have your promise not to chain me to
the chair?

[The attendants whisper to each other.]

OPA #1: I suppose it would only be fair. But if you get rowdy, then we
will have to restrain you.

John: Of course. (sits down)

OPA #2: We were also were instructed to administer a dosage of sodium
penathol and hook you up to the polygraph.

OPA #1: (coy tone) Seems _somebody_ isn't very honest during interviews.

John: _This_ from the council that hides in secret and manipulates the
leaders of the world like pawns. But time is wasting! Give me the shot!
Hook me up! Let's get this party started!

----------

[Somewhere in Tokyo-3.]

Jared: I know what went wrong.

Andy: Oh, do tell.

Jared: The baseballs were going too slow. I need something going SEVEN
TIMES as fast!

Andy: It's not like I haven't wanted to gun you down in cold blood...
for, like, seven years, but we have something to do right now. I don't
want to go into a dangerous situation without a reliable human shield.

Jared: (snaps his fingers) Of course!

Andy: < ^_^ > I'm glad you finally agree, now let's--

Jared: I don't look the part! We need trench coats!

Andy: < o_0 > Where are we going to find trench coats our size in Japan?

Jared: (looks around, spots a man wearing one over a sharp business
suit) There's one!

[Jared leaps across the street (in a single bound, not surprisingly) and
tackles the man from behind. A brief struggle later, Jared is trying on
the man's coat.]

Jared: (grunts) Eight million people in the Greater Tokyo area, (grunts
again) and I pick the guy who has shoulders narrower than my kid sister.
(grunts again, but he'd be lucky to get one arm inside, let alone both
plus his shoulders) Ooh! A gun!

Andy: (suddenly behind him) Lemme see! Lemme see! (examines the piece)
Ah... a Desert Eagle .50 caliber. American-made but they're becoming
popular world-wide from all the movies from Hollywood. Of course, with
Japan's gun laws, no ordinary civilian could be carrying such a weapon
especially during daylight hours. And given the excessive tatoos on his
upper torso, I'd reckon this fellow here runs with the Yakuza. Or, at
the least, some branch of it.

Jared: (not bothered by Andy's sudden intelligence boost) So I just
attacked a Yakuza thug in broad daylight?

Andy: Seems so.

Jared: < ^_^ > Excellent! One of them has to wear a trench coat in our
size!

----------

[The Pilot Briefing Room.]

Toji: So, now what?

Shinji: They said for us to wait for them.

Asuka: < -_- > That could take forever. The Pervert gets lost going to
the bathroom, and the Maniac can only navigate the air ducts here. Not
to mention that NOBODY knows where the Psycho is right now!

Rei: they will probably stumble upon genoni-san as they randomly search.

Shinji: So what are we supposed to do until then?

Toji: Well, where is Major Katsuragi? Or that scientist lady... Akagi,
right?

Asuka: Maybe we can ask Dr. Akagi to let us train in the remaining Evas
with the Americans absent. All we do is throw Kamehameha Waves at the
ocean anyway.

Toji: It's worth a shot.

Asuka: Let's go then! Coming, Rei?

Rei: we should stay together, but we should not disobey our trainers'
orders.

Asuka: They can find us on their Mini-MAGI's if they need us. Come on,
Wondergirl, I know I can get a better Kamehameha than you this time.

Rei: do not attempt to goad me into disobedience. it will not work.

Toji: (tries to gently push Rei out of the room) Come on, Ayanami. We
won't get into trouble.

[Rei glances at the hand on her shoulder, then grabs it and throws Toji
across the room.]

Asuka: < -_- > Or maybe we could wait here for a few more minutes.
(grumbles) And get bored out our minds.

Rei: i thought you'd see it my way.

Shinji: Ayanami, that is it! No more training with Andy for you!

Rei: shinji-kun....

Shinji: I don't want to hear it! You could have seriously hurt Toji just
then. What would you have done if his head had been any thinner?

Toji: Yeah, what if--Hey!

Rei: i... i apologize, suzuhara-san.

Toji: < o_o; > Nah, don't worry about it!

Rei: if you insist, i will accompany you all in soliciting dr. akagi-san
for eva training.

Asuka: Well, it's about time!

----------

[The Meeting Room.]

[John is sitting in a swivel chair in the center of a pitch-black room.
Surrounding him are bottom-lit monoliths floating in the air. Marked
SEELE, a number, and clearly labeled "AUDIO ONLY," the SEELE council's
interrogation room offers little comfort, and a lot of intimidation.]

[Except to one such as Genoni.]

John: (spinning in his chair) WHEEEEE!

SEELE 09: Uh, excuse me? Can you be serious for just one moment?

John: < ^_^ > I probably could, but this truth serum seems to be having
some unexpected side-effects.

SEELE 03: We're not going to get anything out of him. This was a waste
of time and manpower.

John: Hey! 'personpower,' if you please! Those feminists will eat you
alive... and not in a good way, if you don't watch your P.C.! Of course,
I'm all for this female empowerment thing.

[The polygraph starts scratching and a "LIAR" sign appears over John's
head with a loud buzz.]

John: (sweat drop, quick subject change) You haven't even asked me
anything! I got it! You're nervous! Well, let me break the ice. I
already know who each one of you are, and obviously your agents in NERV
has given reports on me. So it's like we're already friends. We could
trade questions, that is, if you're men enough!

SEELE 05: You're the prisoner, young one. You are better off
co-operating with us if you want to see your friends again.

John: (sing-song tone) Somebody didn't read the report. (starts spinning
in his chair again)

SEELE 01: You and your friends have shown quite a bit of knowledge about
the goings-on of Tokyo-3, in spite that you three do very little field
work. How do you know so much?

John: We have a spy-network of minions _everywhere_. In fact, SEELE 08
over there answers to me on Thursdays. You mind if he stays behind after
this is over so I can get my report?

[No indication on the lie-detector.]

SEELE 08: What?! I--He lies!

John: Yes.... He's told me everything about you, Chairman Keel.
Especially all those nights when you're alone with SEELE 03's
thirteen-year-old daughter.

[No indication on the lie detector.]

SEELE 08: I did not tell him about that!

SEELE 03: (roaring) WHAT?!

SEELE 01: She said she was sixteen! I mean--That's preposterous! He's
high on truth serum and... (long pause) let me try that again.

SEELE 05: Oh, come off it. That girl is a freak. Who here hasn't done
her at least once?

John: (raises his hand) I haven't, but if I could have her number...

SEELE 07: Well, I haven't (quietly) yet. (normal) But some good it does
asking a question like that when we can't even see each other!

SEELE 03: I'll have your head for this!

SEELE 09: Oh, can't you see what he's doing? He's trying to fuck with
our heads! He's trying to get us as screwed up as he is!

John: You're one to talk. (makes an inappropriate gesture, apparently
trying to suck an imaginary banana)

[No indication on the lie detector.]

SEELE 03: Hey! Don't knock it until you've tried it, buddy!

[Dead silence.]

SEELE 09: Moron.

John: I take it that it's my turn for a question. How the hell did you
guys get stuck following _Keel_Lorenz_ of all guys? I mean think about
it. First there's the Human Instrumentality Project, one giant Socialist
plan on a scale that would make Carl Marx cream in his pants. Then the
NERV logo, Japan doesn't even have maple syrup! Much less maple leaves!

SEELE 05: What are you getting at?

John: Chairman, many speculate that you are really the Wandering Jew
cursed by God to wander the Earth until the time of Final Judgment. But
I've discovered your secret!! You, Keel Lorenz, are CANADIAN!!

[No indication on the lie detector.]

SEELE 03: My God....

SEELE 01: It's not true!! I have no idea what he's babbling aboot--
about! ABOUT!!!

SEELE 09: We've been had!

SEELE 07: I think we've let this go on long enough! Guards! Kill him! I
want that tongue of his on my desk by sundown!

[The room goes completely dark as the feed is cut. All is silent until
the hissing of a door opening to a dark hallway hails the first wave of
night vision equipped shock troops. First, the flash-bangs go off, then
some frag grenades go off, then the heavy-weapons guys spray the inky
void with lead, and only then does the first team prepare to enter.]

[But the first one through the door, a young man by the name of Hiroshi,
is the first to see a violet beam extend in the darkness, illuminating
John, his untattered clothing, and one of his trademark grins.]

John: I cannot tell a lie, all of you will die.

Hiroshi: OH SHH--AAARRGGHHH!!!

----------

[Random Tokyo-3 alleyway.]

[All is quiet for a few seconds. Then Jared and Andy throw themselves
against the wall panting hard.]

Jared: (panting) See? I... I told you... I could... dodge bullets.

Andy: (panting) Mortal... if we... survive the... day... you will... not
survive... the night.

Jared: (dismissive wave) You'd think the Yakuza would get the picture by
now. But I think the trouble has been worth the reward.

[Both look at the black trench coats in their hands. It may have taken a
few hundred dozen tries, but eventually they found some thugs about
their size.]

Andy: What comes next in the plan?

Jared: < o_0 > There was a plan?

Andy: Something about looking for somebody.

Jared: < -_- > I don't know what you're talking about.

Andy: Oh well.

Jared: Ok, so we have trench coats. (long pause) Why did we need
trench coats?

Andy: I forget.

Jared: Hmmm....

Andy: You know what we could do with these things?

Jared: What?

Andy: We could act out that one scene in "The Matrix."

Jared: That's a good idea. But where are we going to find the right
building?

Andy: What about that one there? (points at the building down the
alleyway)

[Zoom in on the building's entrance, through the doors to the "civilian"
security guards with JSDF firepower. Then drop down through the ground
several dozen feet to a bloody corridor where John is making the most of
poor Hiroshi's light saber. The camera then does a rapid rewind to the
outside where Andy and Jared are standing in their trench coats over
black BDU's (Battle Dress Uniform). Jared is holding a large black
duffel bag.]

Andy: < ^_^ > This is going to be so cool.

Jared: < ^_^ > Indeed. (pause) This isn't going to work, in the Matrix
the scene was all in slo-motion.

Andy: I have just the thing.

[Andy reaches into his trench coat and draws out two glowing 20 ouncers
of the good green stuff.]

Jared: Super Dew?

Andy: (grin) Bullet-time in a bottle.

[The Goons do the Super Dew and walk to the spinning doors.]

----------

[NERV Command Center]

Ritsuko: For the last time, no! You can't launch without Major
Katsuragi's approval, the testing range is being used right now, and you
don't have any adults supervising you.

Asuka: You think the Americans count as supervision?

Ritsuko: It's better than nothing!

Asuka: That's a load of bullshit! We get sent out all alone to fight
aliens to the death, but we aren't allowed to train without someone to
hold our hand?!

Ritsuko: Yeah, that about covers it. We have a lot of other projects
that our technicians are working on right now. I'm not going to pull
them off of important research to watch you guys fumble through energy
techniques.

Asuka: Those techniques are more effective than the crappy weapons you
give us! I'd rather be shouting 'Kamehameha' than (mocking tone) 'Center
the target and pull the switch.'

[An invisible hand grabs Asuka's collar and jerks her right in front of
Ritsuko's face.]

Ritsuko: (quiet, sharp tone for Asuka only) Keep it up, little girl.
I'll have fifty witnesses say you _jumped_ from the command deck.

[Asuka is dropped and the quarter-breed scrambles back the the shocked
group of adolescents.]

Ritsuko: Get out of my face. All of you. Except you, Rei. You're due for
another 'check-up.'

[Shinji hesitantly lets himself get dragged out of the Command Room by
a frightened Toji and a terrified Asuka.]

----------

[Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.]

[Spinning doors slowly rotate in the background as Jared strolls into
the main lobby with a swagger. The large bag barely dusts the floor as
all eyes in the room focus on the blond American. Andy comes in at the
same pace as Jared pauses to set the bag on the X-Ray machine's
conveyer. With a nod to each other, both step through separate metal
detectors on either side of the machine.]

[Nothing happens.]

[The guards relax a little bit.]

Jared: What? The detectors were supposed to go off!

[Cancel that relax part.]

Jared: Didn't you bring the guns?

Andy: I thought you would, Mr. The One.

Jared: Of all the times when you _should_ be carrying an arsenal, why
not now?!

Andy: I've been trying to cut down. I heard this one guy in Arizona
accidentally shot himself when his pen got jammed into--

Jared: What about all the weapons you were pilfering from those Yakuza
guys? Where did those guns go?!

Andy: I stashed them in a safe place while we were running.

Jared: You didn't throw them into a passing taxi again, did you?

Andy: Maybe....

Jared: Damn it! The armored guys are here, the white shirts are still
alive, and we don't even have a pocket-knife!

Andy: We have ki blasts.

Jared: < -_- > ... (sudden realization) Heeeyyyyyy....

[The back-up security forces have taken cover behind the pillars and are
shouting similar orders to the Goons. 'Freeze!' 'On your knees!' 'Hands
behind your head!' 'Don't move!' 'You're surrounded!' 'On the ground!'
Blah blah blah.]

[Jared calmly lifts one hand and wiggles his fingers. Behind him the
black bag opens up, apparently on its own, revealing a nice boombox.
Said music player activates and The Beastie Boys "Sabotage" starts up at
full volume. The pair absorb the first few seconds before Andy aims his
palm and fires the first shot. Moves honed from watching The Matrix too
many times are performed to eerie accuracy. Every flip, dodge, kick and
destroyed pillar is accounted for.]

[When it finally ends, the untouched Goons calmly walk over to the
elevator doors and push the only button.]

Andy: That was fun.

Jared: Yeah, we should do it again.

Andy: Something's bothering me though, why haven't we done this before?

Jared: Get trench coats, walk into a random building, and wreck it? I
don't know.

[A few seconds of silence, they can hear the elevator coming now.]

Jared: You getting an ominous feeling of dread?

Andy: Never.

Jared: Like we summoned some kind of dark elder god of vengeance through
acts of pride?

Andy: < ^_^ > Nope.

Jared: < ^_^ > Oh, maybe it's just those soba noodles I had for lunch. I
hate that stuff.

[The elevator doors open. John is standing dead center, hair messed up,
clothes covered in blood, sleeves missing, with a small bloody bag is in
one hand, and Hiroshi's light saber is in the other.]

[He is not looking too happy.]

John: Then quit ordering it.

[Both Goons recoil in fear in classic anime poses. Jared's doesn't last
as long though as he scrambles for something to say.]

Jared: < 0_0 > John! Uh.... ("thinking") We came to rescue you!

[John looks the pair up and down, then leans sideways to spy the
demolished lobby.]

John: < -_- > Did you now?

[Jared, with a fake, sickly grin plastered across his face, elbows
Andy.]

Andy: Wha? Oh, Yeah! Of course! You didn't think we forgot about you,
now did ya?

John: < -_- > (sarcastic monotone) The thought had never crossed my
mind.

Jared: < ^_^ > Um, yes, well, we must be going now, things to do, pilots
to train and whatnot.

John: < -_- > My glasses must be smudged with brains or something. I
keep seeing you guys in trench coats, articles of clothing I have
specifically forbade you two from ever wearing.

Andy: Well, about that, see--

John: (interrupting) Hand them over.

Jared: What?! No! Do you have any idea what we had to go through to get
these damn things?

Andy: First it was the Yakuza, then the police got involved!

Jared: (nervous chuckling) Andy...

Andy: When the Special Vehicles division got into it, things got really
ugly.

Jared: (louder) Andy!

Andy: Then the JSDF tries to take over, and during the bureaucratic
battle the Yakuza came back with a truce with the Triads to find us.

Jared: ANDY!!!

Andy: What?! Oh, heh.... It probably would've been best if he hadn't
found out so soon, huh?

Jared: < -_- > Yeah.

John: < ^_^ > Nonsense! In fact, I'm so happy you guys told me I'm going
to let you finish this Matrix ripoff by doing the elevator scene. Come
on now, in ya go!

[John ushers the pair into the elevator and lets the door close between
them before ripping out the wall panel.]

Andy: (inside the elevator) Hey! Someone ripped out the control panel
for this thing! We're trapped!

Jared: (inside) Wait.... Didn't the elevator explode in the movie?

[John walks outside the building, crosses the street, and casually
lights an imaginary cigarette, takes an imaginary drag, flicks the
imaginary cancer stick away, then smirks at the camera.]

[He raises two fingers into the air.]

[Zoom to inside where, in stock Matrix action, the elevator explodes
outward in slow motion. One door tumbles out along with Andy as liquid
flames gush out of the shaft. Then Jared explodes out of the fireball
surfing the other ruined door clear through and out of the lobby and
skids to a halt next to John. Andy tumbles across the street skipping
off two parked cars before embedding himself into the wall.]

Jared: WOO-HOO!!! That was fun!

John: Your hair is on fire.

Jared: (dismissive wave) I've had worse and--you bastard!!

John: Hmmm?

Jared: The prison boots, the orange jumpsuit, the navy blue undershirt,
the spiky hair! How dare you dress up like Goku before I got the chance
to!

John: Oh, I never noticed, what with me FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE AND FREEDOM
DOWN THERE!

Jared: Oh quit complaining, you big baby. You made it out alive.

John: Where are the kids?

Jared: At NERV. They can get a decent enough Kamehameha Wave now in the
Evas we have. Toji's still pretty much mundane though.

John: The other Evas still aren't ready?

Jared: Less than a week and they should be operational.

John: It'll have to do. Onward! To NERV!

Jared: It's your turn to drag Andy.

John: Already?!

----------

[NERV training center. For the first time in a while, all seven
registered pilots are present, well minus Andy for the moment.]

Shinji: Um, Jared? Your hair is on fire.

Jared: (dismissive wave) Don't change the subject! John doesn't think
that I've taught you anything during his absence... and today we're
going to prove him wrong!

Toji: You'd think the sprinklers would've come on by now, or that he'd
at least run out of hair to burn.

Jared: We're going to be taking Unit-03 for security reasons. Andy has
elected to stay behind and guard the base.

Shinji: It must have been really uncomfortable riding in the elevator
with him.

Andy: (returning with a bucket of water) Whoo! Packers! (dumps the
bucket over Jared's flaming head)

Jared: Was that really necessary?!

John: What part of "Your hair is on fire" don't you understand? Your mop
was sparking! Your 'do was a flue! Didn't you notice it get a little
warm where ever you went?

Jared: I have hair?! (feels his smoking scalp) My God, what has--

Andy: (interrupts) This insanity has gone on long enough! I feel like
it's been a year just to get this far and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

[Andy lets out a keening noise that would do a wild boar proud and runs
from the room at full volume.]

John: Um, yeah, moving on to the cages....

----------

[The surface. Test area 14, on an island far away from Japan. Unit-03 is
assuming 'the position' so well known to all of us by now.]

Asuka: KAMEHAMEHA!!

[The blue bolt streaks across the ocean and detonates a dozen miles
out.]

Asuka: And _that_, weaklings, is how we do that! (slaps a hand over her
mouth, shocked and appalled at her words)

Jared: (hovering next to Unit-03's head) You have spent far too much
time around Andy.

John: (also next to Unit-03's head) Actually I think that was pretty
much stock Asuka.

[Ever get the Righteous Fury Punch from an Eva? You don't want it. Trust
me on this.]

[While John is being knocked clear back to NERV, Jared starts
negotiating the return of the Eva and pilots with the technical
personnel.]

[Meanwhile at NERV, in the darkest reaches of the Seventh Cell....]

Ritsuko: Watkins!

Jerak: It's Walters, Doctor Akagi.

Ritsuko: Whatever. I want you to completely overhaul the Compatibility
Project. I don't care how much money or time it takes. However we were
going to do it, we'll start over again from scratch.

Jerak: Ummm, not only is that next to impossible, it's unnecessary.

Ritsuko: What?

Jerak: Some blonde guy, smelled like an engineer, came in with that
notebook you've been promising us for weeks. Really brilliant stuff in
it.

Ritsuko: (eye twitch) Oh really?

Jerak: Yeah, we figured you were just trying to be a bitch, but this
stuff was incredible. Ingenious really. I mean there was that one kid,
with the creepy glasses, asking all those questions but he obviously was
working under you. Who else could've come up with this system?
Brilliant! Just brilliant!

Ritsuko: (suspicious tone) Of course, who else?

Jerak: All we're waiting on is the core component, the whole Eva is
ready otherwise.

Ritsuko: Yes... the core.... Well, I'll see about digging that up and we
can start right away!

Jerak: Glad to hear it.

Ritsuko: Good work, Walker. (leaves the 7th Cell)

Jerak: (waaaaaaay under his breath) It's Walters, you crazy bitch.

----------

[The Crystal Pyramid, GeoFront, Exterior, waaaay up top.]

Ritsuko: (dramatic brooding) ...

[What did you expect? When you brood dramatically, you don't say
anything!]

[There is a small series of booms. Actually, it was quite a long and
loud series of booms, like someone was trying to put a hole in the 22
layers of armor in one shot and the projectile was still coming. Not
surprisingly it was John's near-lifeless body that smacked into the
pyramid just down from Rit-chan.]

John: PaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIiiiiiIIIIIIIiiiiiiIIIIII-
IiiNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

Ritsuko: Just the corpse I wanted to see.

John: (croaks) Medic...

Ritsuko: (casually drawing her light saber) The Core, please.

John: What core?

Ritsuko: I really don't want to have to use this thing.

John: I don't want you to use it either, at least not until I can see a
chiropractor. Now what Core are you talking about?

Ritsuko: The control core to Unit-06.

John: There's no control--oooooooh.... _That_ control core.

Ritsuko: Have I told you recently how sick of your games I am?

John: Not in recent memory, but I _have_ been under the influence of a
lot of drugs lately.

Ritsuko: I'm in a bit of a quandary.

John: Please, but be swift about it, I starting to pass out.

Ritsuko: I have a grand opportunity to kill you right now, and I'll hate
myself if I don't take advantage of this, yet I need you alive since
your friends obviously have no idea about the control systems for
Unit-06.

John: I sense another ultimatum coming.

Ritsuko: My office, one hour, bring the core.

John: It'll be a bit before Jared gets back. Your people find Andy yet?

Ritsuko: They're trying to bait him out of the ventilation ducts now.

John: Then I'll be in your office in about seventy-five minutes. Umm,
Rit-chan?

Ritsuko: Stop calling me that.

John: (ignoring the demand) There's a chunk of metal I'd swear is wedged
between the tenth and eleventh thoracic disks. Could you be a dear and
pull that piece out?

Ritsuko: (smirk) I think I'll leave you to your writhing in pain.
Seventy-five minutes, or I'll find something you _do_ care about.

John: Ta-taaa. (blacks out)

----------

[Ritsuko's office, 74 minutes 45 seconds later. On a whim she remotely
opens the door.]

Ritsuko: (out loud to herself) Next time, I'll kill them when I have the
chance.

Jared: (from the other side of the door) That's only if you get a 'next
time,' Doctor.

Ritsuko: Get in here, now.

Jared: (from the other side of the door) And play 'French Revolution?' I
don't think so.

Ritsuko: I took that thing down yesterday.

Andy: (from the other side of the door) You expect us to believe you?

Ritsuko: Well, there is the tiger trap outside the door.

Andy: (from the other side of the door) We can fly.

Ritsuko: That's what the falling ceiling is for.

Andy: (entering) Alright, alright.

[Jared follows Andy in, John is still missing.]

Ritsuko: Is Genoni teleporting in again?

Jared: (shrugging) I don't know, he contacted me via Mini-MAGI.

[John appears with a small bag.]

Ritsuko: What took you?

John: Traffic.

Jared: In subspace?!

John: (shrugs) Eh.

Jared: (spotting the bag) You didn't!!

John: I did. 

Jared: WHY?!

John: It'll be cool. I promise.

Andy: Your promises are a soggy napkin in a bowl of peeled grapes,
Genoni!

[...]

Jared: What?

Ritsuko: Hello?

Jared: WHAT? WHAT?! What is so fucking important that we had to do this
_now_?!!

Ritsuko: The Control Core to Unit-06.

Jared: What 'Control Core?' It doesn't make any sense!

John: It's in the bag.

Ritsuko: Well?

[John unzips the bag and pulls out a state-of-the-art, custom-detailed,
2.5-liter blender.]

Ritsuko: I'm going to kill you all now for wasting my time.

Andy: Fair enough.

John: This is the Control Core to Unit-06.

Jared: That's James!

Ritsuko: It's a blender.

Andy: (hyper-active salesman-mode) But what a blender! See these blades?
Damascus! Combined with the 350 horsepower motor in this puppy, you
could puree a brick!

[Against all common sense known to man, Andy drops a red brick into the
container portion and presses a button. In less than a second, all that
remains is a fine red powder.]

Ritsuko: Why would anyone want to puree a brick?

Andy: For Ninja Vanishes. (grabs a handful of the powder and slams it to
the ground) Hah!

[When the cloud settles Andy has vanished leaving _everything_ covered
in a layer of red dust.]

Jared: I get to kill him first.

John: You always call that first! I want to kill him this time!

Ritsuko: (obviously about ready to snap) Give. Me. The.... Core.

John: There's a very dangerous A.I. in there, Rit-chan. I can't have you
even accidentally hooking James up to the MAGI. We'll clean up, find
Andy and meet you in the test cages in about... half an hour?

Ritsuko: I've already waited more than enough, Genoni.

John: And I don't have any time to waste, Rit-chan. But you'll have to
adapt to my schedule or back away from the project completely. Thirty
minutes. We'll try to be early.

[John gets up and leaves with the James-blender. Several tense minutes
pass before Jared seems to realize he isn't wanted.]

Jared: Ummm... yeah. (also leaves)

[Once outside, he finds John by following twin sets of footprints just
around the corner....]

John: Someone send the kids to the training room, I don't care what they
do there, but they aren't allowed near the testing.

Jared: Why not?

John: I don't trust the test pilots.

Andy: Aren't we the test pilots?

John: Yes. (under his breath) Some of us.

Jared: Why is James suddenly the central figure in this project?

John: James is the solution to the control issue I told you about. It's
his sole task to keep the Angel under control while one of us pilots the
Eva.

Jared: But with the ultimate assassin having complete access to our
minds...

John: Now you see my concern. If my calculations are even close, James'
presence will unlock the pilot's hidden fighting potential. That is why
I have dubbed the control system, (pose) the Rahn-ZERO system!

[The other Goons nod twice in understanding then beat the youngest Goon
unconscious with lead pipes.]

----------

[NERV test cages. John stumbles into the cage control room holding a bag
of ice to the back of his head. He's grumbling, but that's more or less
normal.]

John: How dare they up the ante from wood to metals without a proper
memo...

Ritsuko: Oh, there you are, so glad you could join us.

John: How long was I out?

Ritsuko: Long enough to figure out how to plug in your blender. I'll
admit, I was surprised when the thing actually worked as advertised.

John: And to think, you promised not to underestimate me anymore. Fine,
I'll get dressed and we can test this baby out.

Ritsuko: That's not necessary, Jared's getting inserted right now.

John: < -_- > Come again? I could've sworn you just said Jared was going
to try piloting Unit-06.

Ritsuko: Swear all you like, he's getting screwed in right now.

John: Oh, someone's getting screwed alright... (LM) Let me spell it out
for you, Doctor. We have an Angel bound by man-made armor, soon to be
armed with the most powerful projectile weapon ever devised, with both
an insane man and his all-powerful alter ego at the helm.

Maya: Uh... Senpai?

Ritsuko: (to John) This was my project and you stole it. It's no longer
my concern about whether or not it works. (to Maya) Maya, Load the plug.

John: Five... Four... Three... Two... One... EVERYBODY DUCK!!

[The few that ignore John's warning (or were just too slow to react),
got to see a giant fist impact the thick security AV7. The material
spider webbed under the force and another impact soon followed.]

Ritsuko: Maya! Activate the plug's self-detonation sequence!

John: Maya! Don't you dare! Eject the plug!

Makoto: (leaning into the room) Maya? Could you be a dear and get me
those Mt. Fuji reports when you're done in here? Thanks...

[The room pauses for a moment to glare at Makoto--who, suddenly sensing
the awkward moment, quietly slips out of the room. The power struggle
continues.]

Ritsuko: Don't listen to him! Blow it or we all die!

[John wasn't going to have any of it. The wall takes another hit as he
dashes at the console Maya nervously reaches for. She would obey
Ritsuko, no doubt about that, so he just body-checks Maya out of the
way, hockey-style. Before any one can object, he activates the ejection
sequence. The long white cylinder commonly known as the Entry Plug,
becomes a superball on crack as it rockets away from the wild
Evangelion. The plug ricocheting off the walls, floor, and ceiling does
more damage than the Eva had, but eventually the completely trashed plug
stops moving. Unit-06 gets one last punch in before it falls silent.]

[John grabs a crowbar from somewhere and leaps into the test cage
through the shattered window and approaches the wrecked plug.]

John: (forcing open the hatch) Please be dead, I want your car.

[The hatch gives and clangs noisily on the floor. There is a moment of
heavy silence for a moment. Then Jared pops out of the plug happy as a
cheerleader on Prozac with a new puppy and immediately starts bouncing
around the younger Goon.]

Jared: < ^_^ > WAI! WAI! That was fun! AGAIN! AGAIN!!!

[John notices, with much dismay, that Jared is miraculously unharmed. A
situation John remedies with the help of Mr. Crowbar.]

John: (dragging Jared by his foot, shouting up at the wrecked control
room) I'm going to strap Jared to a hospital bed. Do NOT touch that Eva.
I shall return.

Ritsuko: (after John leaves the test cage) Move Unit-06 to Test Cage 4
and prep Andy for testing.

Shigeru: But...

Ritsuko: John is not in charge here, I am.

Shigeru: Yes, ma'am.

[Elsewhere, actually in the nearest infirmary, not too far away....]

John: (pulling tight the last strap) Now, stay. That bitch doctor is
probably loading Andy right now.

Jared: (glazed eyes, singing the meow mix jingle) Meow meow meow meow,
meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow....

[The ground starts shaking and Unit-06's roar resonates through the
souls of those that have one. John merely sighs the sigh of the tired.]

John: (departing for cage 4) Can't leave him alone for five minutes....

[Meanwhile, where the action is....]

Misato: (moaning) Oh! Oh yes! Yes! Oh, Kami-sama, YES! OOOH!!!

[...]

[Um... Yeah.... Meanwhile, where Unit-06 is going berserk....]

Ritsuko: BLOWTHEPLUGBLOWTHEPLUGBLOWTHEPLUGBLOWTHEPLUG--

[Unit-06 twists suddenly banging it's back against the AV7. The warning
labels marking the entry plug are clearly visible being only four meters
away.]

Ritsuko: < O_O;;; > Uhhh... never mind, Maya.

[John kicks open the sliding door and glares at the Doctor.]

Ritsuko: (sheepishly) What? It's not like I ever listen to you.

[Maya is suddenly prostrate at John's feet, clutching his knees.]

Maya: Save us! SAVE US!! I'll do anything! ANYTHING!!

John: (obviously mentally entertaining the possibilities) For starters,
I want a keycard to the Dummy Plug Control System Storage. It's getting
bothersome burning my fingers hacking into the panel all the time.

Maya: (thrusting a card into his hands) Take mine! Just save us!

John: (pocketing the card, casually) Thank you. Now, do we have
communication with the pilot? (noticing the shrugs) Maya, I'll need
visual communication with the Entry Plug. Ritsuko, while she's working
on that, give me your gun.

Ritsuko: Over my dead body!

John: Fine, I'd give you fifteen seconds before Andy breaks through the
wall and arranges just that.

[A tense moment passes, punctuated by the heavy pounding of Unit-06.]

Ritsuko: (dropping the clip) Fine, it's chambered. (tosses her custom
handgun)

John: (catching the gun, then unchambering the round) Maya, how are you 
coming?

[Andy appears on the screen after a burst of static. He's wearing a
manic grin that takes up half of his face under a pair of ^^ eyes that
own the other half. That's right, Andy is chibified.]

Chibi Andy: Behold! I am CHEEZOR!! And together we will be GODS!!

[Crack, boom.]

John: < -_-; > ... My fifth worst nightmare has come true.... (composes
himself, dangling the gun and calling chibi-Andy sweetly) Aaaaan~dyyyyy,
look what I have for youuuu.

Chibi Andy: < *_* > Oooh! gimme, gimme, gimme!

[The plug partially ejects... through the security glass.]

Chibi Andy: (tumbling out of the ruined plug) < @_@ > Ooooowww....

[Chibi Andy shakes his head and Tokyo-shuffles over to John and starts
jumping at the hand cannon. John teases him a little before he drops it
on the little maniac's head. It barely fazes him and he's soon bouncing
around in glee seconds later.]

Chibi Andy: WAI! WAI! WAI! (stops and points the gun at John) Now you
die.

[Click.]

Chibi Andy: (looking at the gun in disbelief) You... you TRICKED me!!!

[Andy hovers up to eye level growling. Then he lets out this cute little
roar. His eyes slowly fade to white and hair changing to gold with the
same speed. His blazing golden aura, while adorable, was a little
unNERVing to see in a red-aura kid of guy.]

Ritsuko: (gasping) He's gone all the way to Super Chibijin!!

John: (to nobody in particular) Ok, now you're just making stuff up.

[Author: So?]

Ritsuko: No, they were a race of pygmies that lived high in the
mountains. Legend speaks that they were immensely powerful for chibi.
One Super-Chibijin is as powerful as one normal man!

John: < -_- > That's it?

Ritsuko: (blink) Um, Yeah.

John: (punting Super Chibijin Andy out of the control room) Well now...
(displays his nightmare-inducing grin) I just saved the day _again_.

Maya: (thinking) Don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact, don't
make eye contact...

[Of course, she made eye contact.]

John: And now my little 'bridge bunny...'

[Later.]

[Maya is regretting ever losing her cool in that life-or-death
situation. And maybe if Makoto and Shigeru would quit whistling at her,
she could get her work done. Then again, the leotard was quite
comfortable and she was used to the bow-tie, but the ears were a little
awkward and the cuffs kept sliding around... and the way she could
_feel_ the 'security' cameras watching her tail's every movement like a
frog watching it's dinner....]

----------

[Pilot Training Center.]

[John walks in just as Toji slides down the wall to the floor. Rei is
standing ramrod straight in the center of the mat in her gi. Shinji's
bent over some exercise equipment and Asuka is....]

[John looks up to see Asuka hanging from the rafters, her foot caught in
a cross beam.]

John: Well... ouch.

Rei: (mildly surprised) genoni-sensei!

John: (pleasant smile) Ayanami. Excuse me while I clean up in here.

Rei: hai. i shall go change. (leaves to the locker room in a slightly
hurried walk)

[John tasks himself with retrieving the pilots and alerting the proper
medical personnel. By the time Rei is in her standard outfit, John is
alone scrubbing out some bloodstains on the mat.]

John: Always clean up after a fight. It shows responsibility and gives
the forensic guys less to work with.

Rei: hai, genoni-sensei.

[Goon and clone stand face to face for a minute. Rei actually smiles.]

John: I'm sorry I'm late.

Rei: it is nothing.

John: I should've escaped sooner.

Rei: it will be past designated dining hours if we do not leave soon.

John: (guiding Rei out of the room) Right as always, my dear. Soooo...

Rei: ...

John: How's that homework assignment coming along?

Rei: i have fucked with the heads of seventy-five percent of the list
you gave me.

John: Good girl.

----------

[Gendo's office.]

Gendo: So the project is a failure?

Ritsuko: It didn't try to self-detonate. I would see the berserk
behavior as a sign of internal struggle. If John is to be granted even a
token amount of credit, it would seem that the A.I. was trying to take
over the pilot. The Eva just responded to the struggle.

Gendo: Genoni didn't test?

Ritsuko: I wouldn't let him. He may have sabotaged the programming and
until I'm certain that Unit-06 is reliable, I'm keeping it locked away.

Gendo: How can you test reliability if it's locked up?

Ritsuko: Exactly.

Gendo: It wasn't a rhetorical question, Doctor.

Ritsuko: I think it was a mistake to even attempt this.

Gendo: Then what do you plan on doing with the unit's primary weapon?

Ritsuko: My workers will slap it on before we lock the unit down.
Mass-producing a weapon that powerful is suicidal.

Gendo: You're throwing away a lot of time, money, and effort doing this,
Doctor.

Ritsuko: I can handle the committee.

Gendo: But obviously not three mentally dysfunctional Americans.

Ritsuko: Is there anything else, _sir_?

Gendo: Plans are in motion to regain certain commodities. I suggest you
stay on base for a little overtime.

Ritsuko: Fine, I'll be in my office.

Gendo: Dismissed.

[Outside Gendo's office, Ritsuko's strength fails.]

Ritsuko: (sighing, leaning against a wall) What devilry am I to be part
of now? (the hall doesn't answer) Can this really be the path to
salvation?

----------

[The stairwell at Rei's apartment. John and Rei are taking their time
walking to Rei's place. There's a marinara sauce stain on Rei's shirt.]

John: So Shinji and Asuka are finally a couple, eh?

Rei: hai.

John: How do you feel about that?

Rei: (pauses mid-step) i... i do not know what i should feel.

John: Are you happy for Shinji?

Rei: h-hai.

John: You'd prefer it wasn't Asuka though.

Rei: hai.

John: It's not entirely too late to try and get Shinji.

Rei: he seems... better for it all. i do not wish to ruin what
companionship he may find with sohryu.

John: That's very mature of you.

Rei: you haven't... you seemed to have changed methods in approaching
myself.

John: Oh, that. 

Rei: much less like waddell-sensei.

John: (stops at Rei's door) Gods, I hope so. I... decided around a week
ago that I had made my admiration for you clear enough and that I'd ease
off and let you decide to come to me. Besides, it's kind of creepy
lusting after a fourteen-year-old. Maybe you Japanese are okay with that
but it's just weird for me.

[Rei takes a step closer to John.]

Rei: i enjoyed lunch, i had never had italian before.

John: I'm sorry, I forgot that there are only a few vegetarian entrees
at that restaurant. And I apologize again about the sauce.

Rei: it is nothing of consequence.

John: (grabbing Rei's ever-unlocked door handle) I'll wait out here
while you get changed, ok?

Rei: as you wish.

[John turns the handle and opens the door.]

[BRRRAAAAAAAKK-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!]

----------

[Meanwhile, in the Command Center.]

Misato: Whoa!

Makoto: An earthquake?

Misato: No... That was an explosion! A really big one!

Shigeru: That's correct, sensors show a crater in the Southern
Construction District!

Misato: That's near Rei's apartment! Give me a visual!

Maya: I can't! All the sensors are knocked out in the area!

Shigeru: The first level of armor has been moderately damaged.

Makoto: Tapping into satellite feed now!

Maya: Oh no.

Makoto: Major?

Misato: An Angel?

Shigeru: Negative, no pattern detected.

Makoto: Is someone bombing us?

Misato: No, air-dropped bombs are shape-charged these days. Smaller
crater, more focused. I want casualties, damage estimates, and five
teams out there NOW! Put the city on alert, all civilian personal to
their shelters until we get this figured out.

Shigeru: I'm on it!

Misato: I want every pilot accounted for! Where are the Americans?!

Makoto: (typing) Waddell and Mucha are still in the infirmary since an
hour ago. (typing) Uh, Pilots Ikari, Sohryu, and Suzuhara are also in
the infirmary recovering from light training injuries.

Misato: What about Genoni and Ayanami?

Makoto: ... I'm not receiving a signal from their Mini-MAGIs.

Misato: Just what the hell is that supposed to mean?! They're turned
off?

Maya: They can't be turned off, Major... No signal means that the unit
is heavily damaged or... completely destroyed.

Misato: Somebody tell me some good news. Any good news.

Shigeru: Energy spike!!! From the outskirts of the crater!

Misato: Can you identify it?!

Shigeru: No, but it's huge! At least three hundred mega--Wait! That
can't be right!

Misato: What?!

Shigeru: The spike just inverted itself! It's sucking in power! Half the
city just browned out!

Misato: Would someone tell me what the fuck is going on! (just-for-good-
measure mode) And where is Doctor Akagi?!

Shigeru: The energy source just vanished! It's all quiet out there.

[Misato starts rummaging through her pockets for some aspirin. Then
finishes up with the necessary orders.]

----------

[Ritsuko's office, at the same time.]

[The phone rings. Ritsuko bothers answering it after the fifth ring.]

Gendo: Go to the site and confirm what you no doubt already know. You
know what to do then. Don't take too much time with appearances though,
I'll be waiting for the good news that Ayanami is alive and well in my
office. (click)

[Ritsuko hangs up the phone and makes another call, confiscating a
rescue team. She stares at the office phone for a minute.]

[Genoni had once made a remark about the therapeutic effects of 
smashing the infernal contraption to bits. While Ritsuko wasn't one to
buy into anything the Americans believed, her smile upon leaving her
office, and the smashed bits of metal and plastic on her desk put some
hard evidence behind that theory.]

----------

[The Command Room.]

[Misato is standing still, but her mouth is moving a mile a minute.]

Misato: Well?! I want to know what the fuck happened to the people
supposed to be watching Rei Ayanami's apartment. This is _exactly_ the
sort of thing surveillance is supposed to _prevent_!

Shigeru: We're working on it. (under his breath) We're working on
everything.

Makoto: Ma'am, Dr. Akagi has taken over the investigation. She's at the
site right now.

Misato: (dents a wall panel with her fist) DAMN IT! She can't do this!

----------

[A few minutes later in the Dummy Plug Control System Storage Room. An
official sounding name for the dark room home to Rei's clones. Most of
the lights are off, including the central tube. But there's enough light
to make out a figure splayed across the ground. Soon, the figure stirs
and rises on to shaking feet clutching its head.]

John: Paaaiiinnn... FFFFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!!! (several deep breaths,
looks around) What the--How did I get here? How am I still alive? Why
are my clothes undamaged? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!

Voice: (dark, sinister, evil, and ultimately powerful) [I brought you
here.]

John: You... You're gone!

Voice: [And you're dead.] [But that doesn't seem to be the present case,
now does it?]

John: What just happened?

Voice: [Somebody set us up the bomb.] [Ayanami is a thin haze of base
chemicals.] [You didn't take the explosion too well yourself.] [Every
bone and organ in your body was crushed.]

John: Why does Hell look like Rei's clone storage?

Voice: [Slow down, cowboy, I'm getting to the good stuff.] [With you
dying, you couldn't hold me back any more.] [I took over, duplicated
your body, and reabsorbed the leftovers.] (slurping noise) [That is why
you and your clothes are here right now.] [I took the liberty of
stopping by your office where you stashed your extra stuff.] [Hope you
don't mind, but on the way here I also hospitalized that jackass of a
section chief.]

John: And where is here?

Voice: [We're here for Rei, dumbass.] [I stole some of Asuka's clothes
on the way here, they should fit.]

John: Rei.... You stay away from her!

Voice: [I'm you, you're me.] [We're each other, one and the same.] [You
know this better than I do.] [Right now, I'm just a voice in your head,
an echo of a past you've been running from.] [Why don't you quit running
and get back to what you know you do best?]

John: I'm done with you. Go back to your frozen hell where you belong.

Voice: [That's gratitude for you.] [Very well, you know where to find
me, afterall, you put me there.]

[John paces in a circle a few times trying clear his thoughts.]

John: This is not good. I had everything under control. It was gone,
buried. I could even sleep and not even have It pop up in my dreams. And
now It's loose again... (hand moves to remove glasses and rub his eyes,
but he doesn't have his glasses on) Fuck, please oh please let them be
here!

[John rushes over to the small pile of clothes and items. Pocketing
things as he mumbles.]

John: Maya's card... extra ID badge... spare Neurolizer... that
soldier's cheap-ass light saber... Ah! Spare glasses! I win this round,
Demon!

[Stashing the rest of his spare items in various pockets, the Psycho
muses that he could just keep everything in a pocket dimension for
easier retrieval, then remembers what he's supposed to be doing.]

John: (outloud) Illuminate.

[As the room lights itself up, John sets to work reviving the latest
incarnation of Rei Ayanami....]

----------

[Three hours later, a cold, confused, adolescent takes her first shaky
steps into the world. Two more hours later John wraps up his 'Eva-in-a-
nutshell' lecture. Being brought up to speed on current events, leaves
Rei, in Asuka's school uniform, in an understandably disoriented state.]

Rei: slow down, please, genoni-sensei.

John: I know this is a lot... no, you're right, this is far too much for
one day. People are going to expect you to be out of it for a while.
You'll be fine, Rei.

Rei: who blew up my apartment?

John: I don't know, but I promise I'll find them and make interesting
Christmas decorations with their body-parts.

Rei: that should not be necessary, genoni-sensei.

John: Do you remember anything else, Rei?

Rei: i remember you saying that you loved me.

John: (slowly wincing and sighing) I did say that.

Rei: (prompting tone) but not anymore.

John: Maybe it was more than an otaku crush on a cute girl... Maybe not.
I can't say.

Rei: you felt for the previous me. 

John: I guess... I really liked her... er, you. This is confusing.

Rei: you're not the one born two hours ago. (rests hand on John's
shoulder) i do not know what i used to feel for you... but given the
circumstances, you are practically my father. continuing to be in love,
if we ever were, would be really weird.

John: Father? (smirk) Who's your daddy?

Rei: (mirror smirk) you my daddy.

John: That's gonna take a couple of cold showers.... Besides, given the
age difference--

Rei: i'm zero, you're twenty-one.

John: (cough) I'd rather you think of me as an over-protective older
brother, than some kind of parental figure. Help with homework, beat up
bullies, introduce me to cute girls at school...

Rei: hai, john-oniisan.

John: What's next... I guess I'll be sleeping on the couch for the next
couple days.

Rei: you expect me to sleep in your room?

John: Why not? It's got five locks, armor plating, a small cache of
weapons.... You'll be safe there. The alternative is Asuka's room. And
not only does she consider you competition for Shinji, but the simple
fact of you two sharing a room.... I definitely need that cold shower...
and some orange juice.

Rei: you have a strange way of thinking, oniisan.

John: I know. (looks at his wrist, frowns a the lack of a Mini-MAGI) We
better get going, there's no telling how long before someone comes down
here.

Rei: hai.

[The pair shut down the room and move to the exit.]

John: Don't worry Rei, I'm sure we still have some time before they
realize I'm not dead. Your old body would've been vaporized so we'll
just say that I protected us with a ki shield and I'll take care of
anyone who gets too nosy. What could go wrong?

[The door opens revealing Gendo and Ritsuko.]

Gendo: (evil smirk) What indeed?

----------

[A NERV Infirmary, well above the confrontation below.]

Jared: (still singing) meow meow meow meow--

SCJ-Andy: (still in Super Chibijin form) FOR THE LOVE OF THE HUNT,
SOMEBODY MAKE HIM SHUT UP!

Asuka: (leaning into the room) Sounds like-- (rushes in and grabs Andy
in a hug) KAWAII!!

SCJ-Andy: What?! Unhand me, wench!

Shinji: (walking in) Asuka? Where'd you--Waddell-sensei!

Jared: (still singing) meow meow meow...

SCJ-Andy: Make him stop! Then get this woman off of me!!

[Shinji undoes the main buckle holding Jared to the bed. The singing
stops immediately and Jared sits up, startling Shinji. Shinji's yelp of
surprise distracts Asuka enough for SCJ-Andy to squirm out of the
quarter-breed's grip. SCJ-Andy springs to the other side of the room
putting Jared between Asuka and himself. A good move, but he didn't
expect Shinji to pick him up and hug him.]

[Then again, who would?]

Shinji: So cute!

SCJ-Andy: (cute eye twitch) rrrrrrr....

Jared: < -_- > ... Riiiiight. Shinji, put that thing down, you don't
know where it's been.

SCJ-Andy: Release me, you spineless weakling!

Jared: Mucha?

SCJ-Andy: (struggling adorably in Shinji's arms) What!?

Jared: You're unbearably cute, cut it out.

SCJ-Andy: I'M TRYING!

Jared: Shinji?

Shinji: (still hugging SCJ-Andy) Hmmm?

Jared: I said drop him.

Asuka: Yeah! It's my turn!

Jared: (blink) This is Andy! Don't you recognize the adorable murderous
gleam in his giant eyes? The cute snarl as he tries to preciously gnaw
your hand off? The lovable--What the hell am I saying?! (knocks SCJ-Andy
out of Shinji's hands and rushes out of the room dragging both Children
behind him)

Asuka: What the hell is wrong with you?! (pause) And don't ever touch me
there again?!

Shinji: (rolling up his sleeve) WHAT?!

Jared: (dismissive wave) You can thank me for saving you anytime now.

Asuka & Shinji: Huh? From what?

Jared: One of the most dangerous predators the world has ever known is
in possession of the greatest lure that no prey could ever resist. Ten
more seconds and he would've have swallowed your souls!

[Skeptical looks.]

Jared: Ok, maybe not, but you were hugging Andy. (Oscar Moment) ANDY FOR
GOD'S SAKE!

[Asuka starts screaming.]

Shinji: (turning green) I'm gonna be sick!

Jared: (musing to himself) I've got to get him out of here without a
fuss, but--

[Dramatic music starts playing.]

Jared: (grimly, as if he's been waiting for this Moment) John Williams.

----------

[At the doors to the Dummy Plug Control System Storage Room, deadly
close to Terminal Dogma.]

[The four figures illuminated from the hallway lights stared at each
other wondering what the next move would be. John, as usual, didn't seem
the least bit worried at his predicament, even though he had been
effectively caught in the canary cage. Gendo was an image of stone,
trying to glare at the American as he had his son so many times, but it
loses it's effect when the guy is notably taller and overall larger than
you. Ritsuko was closer to eye-level with the Goon, but she was in shock
that Genoni could have been so daring. Rei was left a confused little
girl wondering at the adults, nervous but somehow unafraid at the whole
thing.]

[Then it hit the native NERV officers, John had somehow survived the
explosion that Rei obviously had not.]

Ritsuko: How did--

John: Priests speak of Guardian Angels, well... to each his own.

Gendo: This area is off-limits, Genoni.

John: So's the Ladies locker room, but that doesn't stop you, does it,
Ikari?

Rei: ikari?

John: (not taking his eyes off his elders) Rei Ayanami, I'd like you to
meet Dr. Ritsuko Akagi and Commander Gendo Ikari.

Gendo: (as if finally noticing Rei) Hello Rei, I'm so glad to see--

[Rei steps up and slaps so Gendo hard his glasses go flying down the
hall.]

Rei: (almost snarling) you sick, twisted, old fuck!

Ritsuko: (blink) What the hell did you tell her, Genoni?

John: The Truth... and I may have included some of my own theories.

[Gendo's face was a Kodak moment of shock for about twenty seconds. Then
that casual stoic visage returned. Without missing a beat, he reached
into his suit and drew an old, but well-kept revolver. The gun made it
to Rei's forehead before a loud click halted his movements.]

[Jared stands before the NERV commander, decked out (in flagrant
violation of John's orders) in a black trench coat. One hand holds an
Armalite AR50, currently ready to blow Ikari's head clean off his
shoulders. The other is holding a cheese sandwich with a bite missing,
the contents being slowly chewed in Jared's mouth.]

Jared: (classic Bug Bunny) Ah... what's up, doc?

John: (mo-men-tum) You're late, Jam--er, Jar--uh... Blond Guy.

Jared: (ad-lib mode) You gave crappy directions. Is it all right if I
take Rei out for ice cream?

Gendo: You'll do no such--

[Jared moves the business end of his new toy a few inches to the left
and pulls the trigger without even a hint of hesitation. The blast blows
off a few dozen of Ikari's hairs and ruptures one eardrum. A hole the
size of a grapefruit appears in the wall behind him. The Commander is
quieted, though hardly fazed, even as the gun barrel smoothly moves back
into place.]

Jared: (full James Rahn style) You. Shut up.

John: By all means, Waddell. I'd rather not have her here for much
longer.

[Finally reacting to the gunshot, Ritsuko puts her own hand-cannon in
front of Jared's face. The American takes another huge bite out of the
sandwich.]

John: Wait, I've seen this before. The good guys win.

Jared: (eyes locked with Ritsuko) So which side are we on?

John: Let's find out.

[John Gohan-grabs Gendo's gun and leaves an after-image as he body-
checks Ritsuko away from Jared. Jared drops his rifle, grabs Rei's hand,
and bolts down the hallway, first child flapping behind him like a flag.
Gendo picks up the civilian anti-armor rifle and aims at the fleeing
pair as they duck into the elevator and takes a few seconds to curse.
John tries to aim a palm-blast at the commander, but gets pistol-whipped
by Ritsuko for his efforts. Gendo spins, more than willing to shoot the
only other people in the hallway, aims at the Goon quickly recovering
from the blow and pulls the trigger. Now, normally, a gun like this will
put a large hole in its target and several things behind said target.
Unfortunately for Gendo, he failed to realize in time that this type of
weapon was single-shot.]

[Click.]

[The human knot stops moving for a moment as both geniuses compute the
echoing noise. Gendo is actually looking around desperately for a proper
bullet when John gives his most disapproving "Oh, no you did _not_ just
try that" face and pulses his aura big-time knocking Gendo all the way
to the elevators and the empty rifle even farther down the hall. Ritsuko
stops her slide short and rises, ignoring her gun still sliding away,
opting for her trusty light saber. Gendo gets to his feet and starts
punching the up-button.]

John: (still powering up his violet aura, strolling to Gendo) Wow, who
would've guessed? I'm a good guy. So Ikari, do you think we are at all
close to Hell? How close would you guess? (strikes a thinking pose)
Halfway? (nods as if deciding) We haven't much further to go.

[John makes for Gendo like an arrow shot from a bow. Ritsuko, well
within striking distance, starts swinging madly, maneuvering herself
between the Goon and NERV's commander-in-chief.]

[The Goon is severely unimpressed and more than very annoyed by the
interruption. Dark streaks begin to form in his aura as he stares past
the obstacle at Gendo as he ducks into the elevator. The bastard even
smirks as the doors close. John's eyes lock onto Ritsuko's.]

John: Out. Of. The. Way.

[The doctor's only response is to advance upon the glowing Goon--not the
smartest thing she's done lately.]

John: (ducking the first light saber swing, voice warbling between
something human and something not) [BITCH]!!! [WHY] DOES NO-ONE [LISTEN]
TO ME?! [BAD] THINGS HAPPEN WHEN [NO]-[ONE] LISTENS TO ME!!!

[There isn't a second swing.]

[The Goon knocks her weapon aside like he's swatting at a child and
scoops the NERV PhD up in his arms, triggering his Instant Transmission
technique.]

----------

Jared: There you are! ... Asuka, stop scrubbing, dear, you weren't
holding Andy for that long. Shinji, less vomiting, more standing. (short
pause as he is ignored) Hey! Look who I found!

[Jared jerks the clone into the bathroom doorway, trying to draw Asuka
or Shinji away from the sink or toilet, respectively. Neither cease
their attempts to cleanse themselves.]

Rei: we are going to ask kaji-san to take us to ice cream.

Asuka: Kaji?!

Shinji: Ice cream?!

Jared: It speaks!

[One Hammerspace attack later.]

Jared: (slowly getting up) Ouch. Stay here while I see if Andy can't
change back.

Rei: change back from what?

Shinji: Andy-sensei turned into a Super Chibijin!

Rei: (blink) ...

Jared: My thoughts exactly. I'll be back in a few minutes hopefully.

[Nearby, still in the infirmary, Super Chibijin Andy is try to escape.
trying to jump up to reach the handle of the door. Yes, he's been at it
like this since we last saw him.]

SCJ-Andy: Wait! I can fly!

[SCJ-Andy hovers to the door easily and just as he reaches the handle
Jared, never one to sweat the little details like the safety or morals
of others, kicks open the door and squishes Chibi-Andy between the door
and the wall.]

SCJ-Andy: < @_@ > Paaaaaiiiiinnn...

Jared: Still cute. Well, at least you're not PuuChuu.

SCJ-Andy: Amen, brotha! So, who's dead, where's my gun, and why do you
get to wear a trench coat?

Jared: Because I'm that much of a bad-ass. That and John was too busy
fighting for his life in Terminal Dogma to take it away from me again.
(pauses, hard thinking takes place) Hmm... (more thinking; chin
scratching) Umm... (he's almost there folks) Hrm.... (finally snaps
fingers) Oh yeah, Rei's alive.

SCJ-Andy: A situation I'll rectify soon enough.

Jared: I've read the reports dude. You're as strong as one normal man.
That's god-like for Chibi, but face it, Shinji could kick your ass right
now.

SCJ-Andy: (throwing a cute temper tantrum) TAKE THAT BACK!!

Jared: You seem to have this powerful cute aura that affects those
around you. I'm not bringing you to ice cream unless you change back.

SCJ-Andy: Don't you think I've tried?! I keep powering up, but nothing
happens!

Jared: Dude, this _is_ your powered up form! You have to power down to
change back!

SCJ-Andy: (adorably confused, as if pronouncing an alien word) Power ...
down? I know these words, yet... they do not belong together, not even a
gross oxymoron could account for this combination! It's impossible I
tell you! NEVER!!

[SCJ-Andy tries to flee and ends up bumping into Rei, patiently waiting
outside with Asuka and Shinji. Rei catches the projectile and after a
few seconds of gear spinning identifies the object as...]

Rei: kawaii. (hugs SCJ-Andy)

SCJ-Andy: (preciously not-amused) Waddell. This "powering down" you
speak of.

Jared: It's, uh... like an inverse power up.

SCJ-Andy: (nodding) Ahhh... (shakes his head) You lost me.

----------

Misato: (thinking) Ten city blocks are leveled. Fifty-four civilians are
dead. Rei and Genoni are missing, presumed dead. The other Americans
have escaped the infirmary, but seem to be with the remaining Children.
Suzuhara is with his sister. Roji's left the base for some "sidewalk
doomsaying," of all the most ridiculous things. Ritsuko and Commander
Ikari have vanished. Sub-commander Fuyutsuki is giving _me_ the
run-around... (out loud) What the hell is going on here?

Random Janitor: Just moppin' the floors, ma'am. Mind your step.

[Blink.]

Misato: (Ryouga style) WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW?!! 

Misato: (thinking) This looks like the garage. Hmmm... A drive could be
what I need to organize my thoughts. (walking to her car) I wonder if
Genoni ever started on my new car before he got blown up. (sigh) At
least things can't get any worse. .... Oh no! Did I just think that?!
DAMMIT! (long pause) I need ice cream.

----------

[Meanwhile, in the Command Center the B-shift Bridge Bunnies are in a
panic because all of Terminal Dogma has blacked out. Seems the logs
recorded something similar happening well after the bomb in Rei
Ayanami's apartment blew up, only now this anomaly is at the Heart of
NERV where absolutely nothing but some mortally constructed,
magnetically sealed doors and computer-controlled auto-cannons stand
between a dark being of Ultimate Evil and NERV's dirty little secret.]

[In other words, a fine day to cash in that life insurance policy.]

[Far down in the dark corridors of Terminal Dogma, the last gate is
effortlessly moved aside before the dark creature and it's struggling
captive. Slowly, the lights come back on to their usual dimness as the
darkness seems to collect into a human shape, a three-dimensional shadow
with flaming violet eyes of the American it once was bound to. Ritsuko
finds herself on the deck of one of the automated battleships set to
patrol the LCL lake so deep beneath Tokyo-3.]

Ritsuko: (shivering, drawing her lab coat closer) What are we doing
here, Genoni?

John?: (in the voice from the storage room) [Cold, doctor?] [I do forget
from time to time that the energy-sucking nature of this form does make
passengers uncomfortable.] [Maybe a fire to warm you up?]

[Despite Akagi's protests, a small ki-blast renders one of the turrets
into a bonfire.]

Ritsuko: (trying to regain long-gone authority) That's--that's coming
out of your paycheck!

John?: (ignoring her, musing) [It has been too long...] (floats closer)
[So, Doctor, afraid?]

Ritsuko: Of you? Never.

John?: [Liar.] [I feed off more than just forms of energy, Doctor.] [And
right now I could make a grand meal out of you.] [Why do you suppose I
brought you down here?]

Ritsuko: If you're going to kill me, then just do it. It's obvious
fore-play isn't your strong suit, Genoni.

John?: [We are here to stop this useless war with the Angels.] [The
Angels are after this being here.] (indicates Lillith) [And we are going
to destroy it.]

Ritsuko: You can't!

John?: [I can't?] [I assure you Doctor, I am well within power to do so
many times over.] [Perhaps you mean I may not.] [Why not?] [Because it's
not time yet?] [Because the death of Lillith must be a carefully
choreographed event?]

Ritsuko: Lillith? That's Adam!

John?: [No, Akagi.] [Adam is nowhere near Japan by now.] [You, of all
people, realize the significance in the difference.] [Of course, you
knew this all along.]

Ritsuko: How do you know these things?! How could you know so much?!

John?: [Asks the mortal to the immortal.] (looks at Lillith) [Look at
her, Akagi.] [See how she suffers?] [Doesn't it make you want to reach
out and caress her, let her know everything will be alright?]

Ritsuko: NO!

John?: [No?] [I suppose it would be out of character for us villains to
comfort others.]

----------

Jared: Woo-hoo!

[Andy, back to normal, hurls Jared into traffic. In the distance, we
notice a pillar of smoke high in the air. In case you haven't guessed
yet, the group is out of NERV and well on their way to the ice-cream
parlor. Any way, back to Jared, who bounces off a few windshields before
landing back on the sidewalk virtually unharmed.]

Andy: (appraising) Interesting. Your Goon recovery powers seem
significantly enhanced.

Jared: (shrugs) Probably the coat hiding more severe injuries.

Asuka: (evil grin) Oh, really.

Jared: < 0_0; > Uh... just a theory?

[Asuka pokes Jared in the side, causing the Goon to collapse in agony,
writhing on the sidewalk like a speared eel.]

Jared: (wussy girlish howl) Owwie! Owwieee!

Asuka: Hah! Serves you right!

Jared: (goes for the button on his slacks) Kiss it please, you'll make
it feel better!

[UGH!]

Andy: (continues walking; ignores dog-pile on Jared) Where the hell is
John?

----------

[The living shadow haunting Terminal Dogma continues to carry on,
taunting Doctor Akagi with the imprisoned giant towering above the
warship.]

John?: [Go on!] [Touch it!] [Touch the Angel!] [What?] [Are you afraid?]
[We're not Angels!] [We're Devils!] [We are mean mean evil nasty
creatures!]

Ritsuko: Stop it!

John?: [And as Devils, we're homeward bound.] [Back to the pits of Hell
for us, Doctor.] [Nope.] [The only way you or I or Gendo or the old men
at SEELE are ever going to get into Heaven is to kill everyone!] [Kill
everyone and hope our benevolent God decides to ship Humanity in bulk to
Heaven instead of sorting us out!] [Let's do that, Akagi, let's kill
everyone on the planet so we can go to Heaven!] [Then what?] [What
happens to the new Humanity that we've killed?]

Ritsuko: I don't know!

John?: [Well I do!] [We get to wait for a dozen millennia to pass, oh
doesn't that sound fun?] [And then we get to be the Eighteenth Angel!]
[We get to test whatever species is next on the list!] [I wonder what
we'll look like?] [What will Humanity's next evolution look like?] [I
know.] [I've seen it.] [Do you want to see it?] [I can't wait to see
it!] [Let's go see it!] [Let's kill the Angels, sacrifice Rei, and give
control of the world to some scorned cyborg.]

Ritsuko: NO!

John?: [No?] [No, Good Doctor?] [Why not?] [That's what you were doing
before I came to this city.] [What you've been trying to do since I've
arrived!] [What you've tried to kill me over, because you felt you were
too far gone to save and wanted to take the world down with you!]

Ritsuko: That's not true!

John?: [Why would I lie?] [The truth often serves my purposes far better
than deception.] [Listen to my voice, Akagi.] [I've never told you a
single lie when it mattered.] [Why would I need to?] [I know everything
there is to know about you.] [And that was before your little
confession.] [You are an open book for me to skim over as I please.] [I
know how your story will end.] [Betrayed by your ex-lover, you'll come
to your senses far too late to stop Gendo Ikari from killing us all.]

[Ritsuko is silent, staring at the... thing.]

John?: [But not before he puts a bullet through your heart on the shores
of this very lake.]

Ritsuko: (ready to cry) You're lying! You can't be telling the truth!

John?: [Ask yourself, Doctor.] [Would a man like Ikari ever truly give
up on his wife?] [Would he allow some floosy computing genius, or her
superiorly skilled daughter to distract him from taking his wife back?]
[Would he hesitate before executing you, if you stood in the way of his
dreams?] [Would he ever allow his pawns to gain advantage over his one
ticket to being with his wife for certain?]

Ritsuko: (quiet whisper) no...

[In Terminal Dogma, the most aptly named place in the world, Ritsuko
Akagi's whisper carried over the graveyard-like silence. Oddly, the
Shadow-John didn't press the issue asking for more volume.]

John?: [Why do you think they call this place Terminal Dogma?]

Ritsuko: (shocked whisper) Because this is where your beliefs end.

John?: [Because this is where your beliefs will get you killed.]

Ritsuko: What do you want with me?

----------

[Outside of "Hiroshi-ojisan no LICKS", a popular ice cream shop for NERV
patrons due to it's generous discount and mind boggling selection of
flavors, open 24 hours because dammit! Sometimes it takes that long to
single out a flavor!]

[Ahem.]

[The Goons and the Children are in the outside patio area enjoying the
sweet delights of Uncle Hiroshi. Kaji also shows up finally just in time
to be coerced into paying the tab. All is well until ears start
twitching and the familiar sound of screaming pedestrians alerts the
group that Misato is in the area.]

[The agile blue RX-A corners the block and makes a last-nanosecond turn
into the parking lot. Misato slides out and doesn't bother removing her
sunglasses or driving gloves as she walks past the group and into the
store.]

Jared: Three... Two... One...

Misato: (bursting out the doorway) OHMYGOD!REI!YOU'REALIVE!

[Short pause as everyone swallows their ice cream.]

Rei: hai.

Misato: But... your apartment... and a large section of downtown blew
up.

Jared & Andy: (conditioned reflex) We didn't do it.

Misato: Of course not, you can't get four hundred pounds of C-23
anywhere on base.

Andy: (drooling) C...

Jared: (drooling) Twenty-three...

Asuka: That would level ten city blocks easily!

Misato: If you'd been following the conversation, Asuka, that's exactly
what happened. We had thought, Rei...

Rei: i had left my mini-magi in my apartment at the request of
genoni-oni-- sensei.

Misato: Oh...

[Ice cream is devoured in relative silence (for this group anyway) until
Misato notices something.]

Misato: Not that I should be asking, Jared, but why so glum?

Jared: Asuka tore off my coat...

[Misato's face makes for a Kodak Moment, then settles to the 'normally'
confused look.]

Misato: Uh...

Jared: ... then committed a travesty!

[Back to Kodak Moment.]

Asuka: I threw it into the street! Ugh! And I thought these stupid
Americans had dirty minds....

Andy: I'll have you know I keep my brain sparkling clean!

Jared: (baiting) Can't be hard polishing up something the size of a pea.

[Misato slides away from Jared before she finds herself in a combat
zone.]

Misato: Uh-huh...

Andy: (suddenly posing) Take that back, vermin!

Jared: (also posing) NEVER, BITCH!

[The ladies squawk indignantly as Andy gets to his feet. Sitting behind
the large Goon (from the Major's point of view), is Rei. Jared and
Andy's ice cream goes flying as the two start fighting on the sidewalk,
their frozen snacks caught perfectly by the calm albino.]

Misato: < 0_0;;; > ...

Rei: (takes a lick from each cone) i am having fun eating ice cream.
wai.

[Apologies to Stephan Twoflower.]

[A G-17 quickly calms things down... helped greatly by the fact that
Ayanami was even creeping out Jared and Andy. After sitting down, the
two start looking around for their missing cones then give up and order
giant sundaes. The group moves to a new table and continues on with
mindless chit-chat until....]

Rei: someone has destroyed my apartment?

Misato: There's a crater visible from most major air lanes.

Rei: ('shouts') noooooo! my porn collection!

[...]

All: < 0_0 > (blink) ....

[Rei collects herself and makes a series of check marks in her note
pad.]

Rei: gotcha. (continues with her ice cream)

Misato: < -_-;;; > If John isn't dead, I'm going to kill him.

Jared, Andy, Asuka, Shinji, Toji, Kaji: Get in line.

Jared: John's just fine. He's fighting with Ritsuko again.

Kaji: Again?! And we're missing it?!

Jared: You don't keep up on current events, do you? John was
transforming into something dark and evil when I left. He's probably
tooling around in Terminal Dogma as an unstoppable force by now.

[Words fail me... and apparently the Eva cast as well. And yet...]

Shinji: You know... If I knew this was going to be my last meal, I'd
have ordered the 'Baseball Blue Ribbon' instead of the 'Cookie Dough.'

Misato: Hiroshi-ojisan! More ice cream!

Jared: (comes out of 'the zone') Oooh! Since we're all going to die....

[The Goon fixes his eyes upon Asuka, who suddenly experiences an
unexpected... well, okay, completely expected chill down her spine. All
is still for several moments, then the girl convulses in her seat. Jared
goes back to eating his ice cream, a smirk upon his face. Andy sprints
from the table, the urge to thoroughly cleanse himself now overwhelming.
Misato chokes on her last bite of ice cream. Toji and Shinji leap to
their feet to shout indignantly, then sit back down, wondering what just
came over them. Kaji, meanwhile....]

Kaji: (amazement, until his ice cream melts from his spoon) Wow... I
haven't seen that technique used in years....

Misato: WHAT TECHNIQUE?! (hovering over the nearly comatose pilot)
ASUKA, SPEAK TO ME!!!

Asuka: (eyes rolling in her head, stupid grin across face, line of drool
from the mouth) Oooh yesss....

[Now to conveniently cut away!]

----------

[In Terminal Dogma....]

John?: (mildly distasteful look) [That FOOL.] [I leave him alone for
FIVE MINUTES...] [Ritsuko, dear, throwing up now is not going to earn
any sympathy points from me.]

Ritsuko: I'm going to run over his privates with a steam roller!

John?: [And I'll help, but back to more current affairs.] [Shall we go
up for a little visit?]

[With the slimy flourish of an elevator salesman closing a deal with
Satan, the thing wearing John's skin gestures to the most notable
portion of the room's decor. The question hangs in the air like a
gut-shot duck, in the middle of a silence broken only by Ritsuko's
intermittent sobs. Without even a vague look of remorse, the John-thing
grabs her by the arm and levitates from the battleship.]

John?: [And to think, I'm being _nice_.]

Ritsuko: (quietly) You'd think that, wouldn't you... you bastard.

----------

[It's called a cut-away. If you feel like you've been punched in the
face with drama, it's because you have. Clear? Okay. Good.]

[Back at Hiroshi's place, the gang is about to leave. Jared is
surrounded by a large contingent of JSSDF troops, our trademark "Silence
of the Lambs" rip-off in full swing. Andy is ready to check the
sturdiness of Jared's restraints, and of the Goon's anatomy. The rest of
the gang leaves through the front door, Misato casually breaking three
separate laws by leaving the tab with NERV.]

Misato: So, seriously, where is John? ... Uh, guys?

Andy: DARE YOU MOCK ME, SON OF WADDELL?!

Jared: (muffled by duct tape, face mask, chains, etc.) Mmmrpphnt.

Misato: Rei?

[Cut to flashback mode. We see Jared tossing his still-smoking AR50
aside, then running down the hall with Rei attached to him by her right
hand. In the distance, John looks like Bruce Lee about to go on one of
his trademark rampages. Cut back to normal.]

Rei: i believe genoni-senpai wanted to discuss something with
ritsuko-san.

Misato: That's it?

Misato: Well... that's... oddly, not so bad. Still, what's with the
dramatic music?

[On cue, the NERV orchestra throws out a few bars of "O Fortuna."]

Toji: You know, I did not notice until this very moment that there was
an entire orchestra following us around town.

Andy: (popping up beside Toji) < o_o > They're pretty good, aren't they?
Well, you'll get used to it.

Toji: (jumps away and assumes a random Little Takahashi Devil Pose)
Don't DO that!

[Andy shrugs, ignoring the stares from the others as he always does.
Jared goes into the armored personnel carrier, the rest into various
NERV vehicles, and a few brave souls into Misato's car.]

Misato: Damn, I forgot to ask them about my car. Oh well, I'll get a
hold of Genoni later.

----------

[In Terminal Dogma, far above the LCL lake.]

Ritsuko: You can't be human, you know.

John?: [I know.]

Ritsuko: Nothing sucks energy up like that without storing it somewhere.

John?: [Indeed.]

Ritsuko: How high are we?

John?: [Ritsuko.] [When I wish to engage in idle prattle, I will do so.]
[Right now I am becoming rather upset with your pathetic attempts to
change my intended course of action, or least the subject of our
conversation.] [Now, SHUT UP.]

[Reaching the apex of their ascent, the pair stops a dozen meters short
of their destination.]

Ritsuko: (shocking revelation mode) You're EVIL!

John?: (resist the urge to sweat-drop) [Really?] [Pardon me, but where
have you been for the last FIFTEEN MINUTES?!!]

Ritsuko: Having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN! What do you think I've been
doing?!!

John?: [I don't know, maybe counting your sins!] (scoffs) [Wretched
creature!]

Ritsuko: Kagai-jin. You're a Kagai-jin.

[Wouldn't that be Super Kagaijin?]

Super Kagaijin-John: [Did I mention the mindless prattle part already?]

Ritsuko: You mentioned idle prattle.

SKJ-John: (scary calm) [Yes.] [Yes I did.] (hauls back as if to throw
Ritsuko into the beast on the cross) [Well, in you go!]

Ritsuko: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

SKJ-John: (pauses) [No?] [No what?] (daring) [You want _me_ to touch
it?]

Ritsuko: Just... just stop! Please!

SKJ-John: [Stop _what_?]

Ritsuko: Stop this! I want to stop all of this! The deceit! The lies!
The trickery! SEELE's madness! The Angel attacks! These stupid
conspiracies! You three! EVERYTHING!!! I WANT IT _ALL_ TO STOP!!!

SKJ-John: (oddly calm) [Do you?]

Ritsuko: (sobbing) Yes.... I'm tired of it. I... I can't take it any
more.... And you... and you of ALL PEOPLE, being a... a... a--

John: A bad guy? Only when I have to. Only to remind people that real
evil does exist.

[The doctor looks up, eyes teary and red from crying, to find a normal
John smiling tentatively.]

John: And I am it.

[The grin turns out to be infectious, already infesting the corners of
Ritsuko's mouth.]

John: Sorry, I couldn't resist.

[Ritsuko almost says something, but whatever words were hanging on her
lips are forever lost as she grabs John in a bone-crushing hug. The
Goon, for his part, does his best to awkwardly return it, though the
unnatural angle his arms have been forced into makes this no frivolous
endeavor.]

John: Urk... Uh, you're welcome, Rit-chan. (long pause) Um... I can't
breathe.... (slowly turning blue; losing altitude) Rit-chaaan....

[Several minutes later, back on the aforementioned battleship, which is
now completely operational, we find Ritsuko sitting on the deck in front
of the turret wrecked earlier. She is wrapped in a wool blanket, John
standing next to her, looking and undoubtedly feeling like he just
walked barefoot through Hell.]

Ritsuko: It's been a hell of a day.

John: (looking at the cross) You _could_ say Hell had something to do
with this.

Ritsuko: Now don't go telling me you're the reincarnation of the Prince
of Darkness.

John: Heh. Prince of Darkness or not, right now I could go for a cup of
hot coca and a good night's sleep. Besides, I'm sure that between three
Evas and the entire JSSDF, Andy and Jared can manage NOT to blow up the
city overnight.

Ritsuko: Sleep sounds good. (yawning as if on cue) I feel like I could
sleep for a year.

John: (raises eyebrow) I just might have a bed....

Ritsuko: In your dreams. (pause) Um, Genoni?

John: That's my name, ask me again and I'll tell you the same!

Ritsuko: This ship... and it's weapons are automated. In fact the
computers are under orders to shoot at anything, unless the MAGI tell
them otherwise.

John: Ahhh... So... Why aren't we being shelled right now?

Ritsuko: Jammers on this ship keep it from being targeted by friendly
fire. How exactly do you plan on getting us out of here when the nearest
exit is half a mile away in open ground?

John: (slowly) I'm thinking... I'm thinking....

----------

[Jared is in a well-furbished garage, underneath a vehicle, out of
frame. I know you're about to go back and verify that he was tied up and
under arrest, but don't. Jared is, as are most of the Goons, an escape
artist of the highest caliber. Granted most of their methods involve
pathetic distractions and lots of running, but when pushed they are
harder to contain than a sex scandal in a public office. NERV policy for
an escaped Goon is more "Catch and Release" than anything else. They've
found that if the thrill of being chased is taken away, they're more
likely to behave. So if I say Jared's here, he's here!]

[And now, via Instant Transmission, so is John.]

John: Where are we now?

Jared: (still under vehicle) A garage, more near Old Tokyo than anywhere
else.

John: Ah...

Jared: (sliding out) Isn't Akagi supposed to have gutted you like a fish
by now? And speaking of the 'good' doctor, where is she?

John: She's agile for someone her age and occupation. I dropped her off
in her office. (looks at the vehicle, though we still can't see it) What
the hell are you pounding on now?

Jared: Misato's new car!

John: (blinks) And you've been working on this since when?

Jared: A few weeks ago. But then I saw that requisition request on your
desk....

John: Okay. But please tell me why this is a minivan.

Jared: (clueless) Uh... it sounded like a good idea at the time?

[A few seconds pass while John's brain makes the appropriate
computations.]

John: Why, oh _why_ did I ever let you near anything mechanical?

Jared: < -_- > As I recall, you were having problems with that chain
saw.

[No. We're not even going to touch that, not as a flashback, not EVER.]

John: I'd rather not remember that incident, if you don't mind. (changes
subject) So, what have you broken so far?

Jared: Lots of stuff, but that's not important right now. You want the
four-eleven on this thing?

John: (shrugs) Keep the engineering gibberish out of your explanation
and I'll promise to try and make sense of your deranged ramblings.

Jared: You wound me!

John: (nonplussed) You love saying that, don't you? Like Andy and his
damn Highlander and Dragonball Z lines....

Jared: (extends the badfinger in classic salute) I ignore you now.

[John looks more closely at the... minivan? The vehicle does indeed have
the features of a minivan, yet the underside rides unusually high, with
a suspension system similar to a Humvee. The front of the van is the
most striking, with an edgy styling that reminds John of a vicious
animal ready to strike. The mental image is somehow fitting.]

John: (after his examination) What did Misato do to deserve this?

Jared: (pulls his head out of the tool box) What the hell is wrong with
you? I show you the most advanced road transportation and protection
device ever devised, custom-built for the coolest babe in this universe,
and you gotta give me lip!

John: (insistent) You gave her a minivan!

Jared: This is no ordinary minivan! This is....

[The NERV Orchestra promptly throws out more of "O Fortuna" from their
hiding place in the shadows.]

Jared: THE MINIVAN FROM HELL!!!

[The music climaxes.]

John: Oookay. So, what's it good for?

Jared: (Sigh of the Oppressed Engineer) Okay. First off, the drive
system: Conventional methods were out, so this van features a fusion
engine that can deliver a quarter of a million pounds of torque at the
wheels. It's all-wheel-drive and doesn't use a transmission as we know
it, so no shifting. It's bullet proof, flame proof, explosion proof,
missile proof, mine proof, laser proof, electro-shock proof, oil proof,
and door-dent proof. The tires can take an AMRAAM-25 dead-on without
impairing driveability, and since they aren't pneumatic, you can't knife
'em. The defenses are basic; oil shooters, smoke screen, axle spikes,
EMP wave, and flame-throwers. The offensive armament can make a MiG
blush; missiles, gattling guns, laser cutters, road mines, and a
satellite weapons system... if I can get the damn thing launched. It
also has a NERV uplink, multiple remote-drive capabilities, the AC and
stereo are both multi-zone, then there's the automatic sunshades, and
sixteen cup holders. It even has basic medical facilities in the back,
some food and a water recycling system.

John: (lets out a low whistle, then leans against the sliding door)
Sweet. When do you plan on giving it to the Major?

Jared: I'm checking the mounts on one of the holographic displays, but
there's a few durability tests I need to run it through. Say... two
days?

John: (shrugging) Fine.

Jared: To tell the truth, I'm kind of insulted; this thing posted a
better 0-to-60 time than my ride, yet I can't keep the curb weight under
5700 pounds. Fucker launches like the space shuttle.

John: That's bad? It would sure be hard to push off the road if it's
that heavy.

Jared: Yeah, especially with the Adaptive Traction system on the
wheels. This thing's a monster!

John: < -_- > You did say it was from Hell.

Jared: Yeah, that too.

John: And what's the traction-thingy?

Jared: Retractable tire spikes, studs, and edging on the tread teeth.
Allows you to vary traction against certain forces. Forward edges give
you insane acceleration traction, spikes and studs are useful only for
ice and snow, respectively. There's a tooth enhancement that's good for
dirt, and expanded tread mode for silt and sand, and lastly, a side-edge
mode for people trying to push you off a cliff.

John: (walking around the van to check it out) James help design the
thing?

Jared: I had the basics down, started not long after we got here. He
acquired some materials, threw in plenty of additions... of course I'm
still waiting for the coolest part to arrive.

John: Oh?

Jared: Yeah; the ion engines for flight mode aren't finished.

John: I thought you were waiting on a satellite, too.

Jared: The satellite has been built, we just don't have any launch
vehicles available.

John: Wow, how much did building this tribute cost you?

Jared: Me? Not a dime. But NERV's Budget took a hit on it... More like
leapt on a pound of C-4, really.

John: All this while the Evas are being retrofitted, Andy's redesigning
Unit-04, Unit-06 is just being completed, and several chunks of Tokyo-3
are being rebuilt from scratch?

Jared: Ummm... Maybe?

John: (Sigh of the Overworked Troubleshooter) We'll talk later. Right
now, I need a shower and a nap. (teleports away)

Jared: (musing to himself) Good thing he didn't ask _how_ I knew how
this thing performs. He didn't ask about Rei either, he must really be
tired.

----------

[And speaking of Rei, she is currently sitting on Misato's western-style
couch, listening to the Major unnecessarily explain herself.]

Misato: Rei, the three of us have decided to let you stay here until
NERV has arranged an apartment for you. We're requesting on this
building, after what... you know, _happened_ to your last home. I know
Jared has practically no interest in you, and Andy said he was
'training' you, and John looks out for you... so, you'll be here for
tonight, okay?

[Except for coming dangerously close to smiling as John's name is
mentioned, Rei doesn't move or even acknowledge the Major until she is
finished talking.]

Rei: hai.

Misato: Unfortunately, Asuka's hospitality ends about here. I'm really
sorry about this, but you'll have to sleep on the couch tonight.

Rei: it is no problem, major katsuragi.

Misato: (perking up) Oh you don't have to be so formal when we're off
duty! Call me Misato!

Rei: hai, misato-san.

Misato: (thumbs-up) Close enough!

Rei: have you heard from genoni-sensei yet?

Misato: Not a word. Of course it's just like him to disappear and just--
(John Instant Transmissions next to Misato's couch) show up uninvited.
(forced smile) Speak. Of. The. Devil. How are you feeling, Genoni?

John: Stronger every minute. Do pardon the intrusion, I was looking for
Ayanami-chan.

Misato: May I ask why?

John: I feel she'll be safer in my room given my security features. I
don't trust NERV security right now and they already refer to our
apartment as the "Dragon's Den". So if it was an inside job as I
suspect, they'll be less likely to try something.

Misato: Why not here?

John: Why not your bed?

Misato: I... kind of need it tonight.

John: Whereas I am perfectly willing to give Rei my bed and sleep on my
couch for a few days until something else can be arranged. (looks to his
student/surrogate sister) I do apologize for talking about you as if
you're not here, Rei-chan.

Rei: it is about my well-being, is it not?

John: Indeed it is. And I think, it really comes down to your decision
on where you'd feel safest tonight.

Misato: Genoni-san, may I have a word with you outside? Er, while
Ayanami-chan makes a decision.

[In the hallway.]

Misato: Just what the hell is going on?!

John: (intelligently) Uhhh...

Misato: I haven't seen Rei that lively since she last talked with the
Commander before Shinji showed up!

John: Well...

Misato: (grabbing John's shirt collar) Where is your Mini-MAGI?

John: Probably gone. I had left it at Rei's apartment before it blew up.

Misato: And what was it doing there, you pedophile!?

John: (frown) Rei had left hers there, I was fetching it. The place
exploded and threw me across town.

Misato: Why do you get to survive an explosion that killed over fifty
others?! What are you?! WHO ARE YOU?!

Afro-Guy down the Hall: (popping up out of nowhere, winning smile,
thumbs up) I'm Nabeshin!

Misato: < -_- > ...

John: < -_- > ...

[Bang! Thwump! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Click. Click. Slide-Clack. Clack. Ch-Chkk.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Click....]

Andy: (storming out of the apartment) What's going on out here?

John: That annoying guy with the afro down the hall, he's dead now.

Andy: Darn, the parts for my Overly-Complicated-Rube-Goldberg-style trap
were going to come in tomorrow. (turns and goes back inside)

[John and Misato look at the remains on the floor, then at each other,
then back at the remains, then to the door the man is laying outside,
then back to each other, then to the door again, then the man, each
other, the man, the door, the man, the door, each other.]

[Bing!]

Misato: This never happened, he moved out.

John: Consider it done.

[Both walk into Misato's apartment, where Rei is still sitting on the
couch.]

John: Next lesson, Rei. A solution will always present itself, you just
have to look for it. Case in point--

John and Misato: Howdy, Neighbor!

Rei: wai.

----------

[Because she doesn't have that much fan-service and to reward the fans
for sticking around so long, we now have Doctor Ritsuko Akagi in her
tub. There's a half-empty sake bottle next to the tub and, oddly enough,
wet footsteps on the floor mat. Lounging quietly, perhaps in deep
thought, perhaps asleep; she is nevertheless disturbed by a loud ringing
from the living room. One of the younger cats starts mewwing adding to
the noise. Akagi adjusts her position in the tub as she frowns.]

Ritsuko: (thinking) I thought I disabled all the phones...

[The answering machine finally turns on after the fifth ring.]

Recorded message: *This had better be important or I'll personally hunt
you down and gut you like a fish.*

Misato: (over the speaker) Ano... I thought you were going to change
that message. (perky) Anyway! I know you're there and you can hear this!
I just thought you'd like to know that we may have found a place for Rei
to stay. In the meantime, I _think_ she'll be safe where she chose to
spend the next few nights, but I can't talk about it over the phone, of
course.

Ritsuko: (thinking) Like I give a rat's ass.

Misato: (over the speaker) Anyway, the _real_ reason I called was
because I know you have tomorrow off and then we have that conference on
Saturday. But tonight I was hoping you would join me and a few others
for some drinks and night life.

Ritsuko: (thinking) A few others?

Misato: (over the speaker) Feel free to invite other people along with
you; the more the merrier, as they say. Just meet me at The Fourth
Impact Pub around nine-ish and we'll see where we end up, okay? (annoyed
tone) Are you paying attention?

Ritsuko: (thinking) Oh, grow up, Mis-chan. We're not in college anymore.

Misato: (over the speaker) That's the Fourth Impact Pub at nine-o'clock
and wear something different for a change--

[Beep!]

Ritsuko: (thinking) Hmmph. As if I was planning to spend my first day
off in God-knows-when nursing a hang-over... (eyes the sake bottle) Oh
yeah, I _was_ planning to spend tomorrow nursing a hang-over...

[A few minutes tick by.]

Ritsuko: (out loud) Find something for me to wear tonight, we're going
out.

Maya: (from the other room) Wai!

----------

[They party.]

[Apologies to William Shakespeare. ^_^ ]


           --------------------------------------------------

                              TITLE FLASH:

                           Three Goons in Eva
                               Episode 7

                      Rebirth of a Fallen Angel /
                       "Yes, Ellen, there are..."

           --------------------------------------------------


[The end of one age brings about the beginning of another. The dusk of
one day transforms into the dawn of the next. Monuments erected in
moments of grandiose madness last through the ages; Stonehenge, The
Great Pyramids, Notre Dame cathedral, The Great Wall, castles, tombs,
altars, canals, even a rather famous group of baths. The turning of
seasons dictates the actions of the farmer. So, as in the days not long
passed, when a millennium ticked by, time passes.... And in Tokyo-3,
it's Friday.]

[And _what_ a Friday.]

----------

[John's eyes open slowly, before snapping WIDE open in panic.]

John: (thinking) Penguins! Penguins everywhere! Get them off!!!
(panting, a second later, out loud) Ugh, never again will I go
bar-hopping with Misato.

[Not more than a second later, a second figure jerks into a sitting
position, waking from a nightmare of their own.]

Ritsuko: (thinking) NO! How dare you turn upon your master! Curse you,
you wretched felines! (panting, a second later, out loud) Ugh, I should
know better than to go bar-hopping with Misato.

[A moment of silence, of the unmistakable 'wait just _one_ fucking
minute' variety. Two arch-enemies slowly turn their heads to face each
other. The blood visibly drains from their faces. Then the third
occupant to the queen-size bed makes herself known from Ritsuko's other
side.]

Maya: (stretching) Oh yeah! I have got to go bar-hopping with Misato
more often! (blink, look to her left) Ano...

John: How dare you not have a hangover.

Ritsuko: How dare-- How-- (mouth working in angry silent words) WHAT THE
HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

John: (returning to the casual indifference that's become his modus
operandi) Pondering the meaning of life, wondering where my clothes are,
and mentally cataloging that without clothes, your tits look much
larger. Must be that wet suit you wear all the time.

Maya: He's right Senpai, they look so much better right now.

Ritsuko: (blushing furiously and pulling up the covers) Maya! Get me my
clothes! NO! Get John his clothes so he can get the fuck out of here!!

John: (resting his hands behind his head leaning back) Having a
hench-woman is so nice, isn't it Rit-chan?

[Maya dutifully, and oddly unabashedly, retrieved the various articles
of clothing strewn around the bedroom.]

John: (tracking Maya) So... playing the cute, shy, and nervous girl, are
we?

Maya: (offering the armful of clothes) Only in the office.

Ritsuko: John, just get dressed and get out of here.

[With a sigh, John grabs his clothes then Instant Transmits from the
bedroom. Ritsuko finishes with the bare essentials and wraps a bathrobe
conveniently her size around her. Maya slips into her own robe.]

Maya: Coffee, Senpai?

Ritsuko: Yes, please.

John: (from somewhere else in the apartment) Two more minutes for the
coffee.

[Ritsuko storms out of the bedroom into the kitchen where John is
staring into an clean, but empty mug. Maya is close behind Ritsuko like
a loyal puppy.]

Ritsuko: I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!

John: This is Maya's apartment, Rit-chan. Order her to tell me, but
first, I need to talk with both of you.

Ritsuko: It can wait. Maya?

Maya: Genoni-san, I'm terribly sorry but... (sniff sniff) That isn't my
coffee, it smells really good!

John: Please have some, the both of you. I can only stay for one cup
myself. But as I said, we need to talk.

Ritsuko: About last-night? I swear if you say one word of this to anyone
else--

John: (pouring the special brew) Rit-chan, I'm very concerned with how
this could affect our working-relationship.

Ritsuko: (taking her mug of coffee) Our what?!

John: We find ourselves at odds with each other, almost all the time.
Things came to a head recently, and while some degree of mutual
nit-picking and evil-doing is all well and good, frankly you don't know
me from Adam. (blinks) Wait... actually, that _is_ pretty accurate. In
any case, as much fun as it would be to hold this over your head, I
think doing so is just one step too far. In conclusion, I think we
should continue to recklessly hound one another. We do our best work
that way.

[John sips his coffee quietly while Ritsuko checks her hearing.]

Ritsuko: Since when have you been concerned about going too far?!

John: I told you, I am on the side of good.

Ritsuko: (sips her coffee, then makes a face) You don't look convinced.

[He doesn't.]

John: (to no-one in particular) Who asked you? (to Ritsuko) To put this
bluntly, we need some cooling off time. Besides, I've got to look after
Rei. And I mean look after her responsibly, not feed her that line of
crap Gendo is so fond of. I fancy her a grand apprentice, and under my
tutelage...

Ritsuko: How DARE you assume you're fit to be her role model.

John: It's either me or Jared.

Ritsuko: (shocked) You wouldn't!

John: (sipping coffee) You would?

Maya: (apparently oblivious) We could all use a good bath. Who's going
to join me?

[John and Ritsuko try to skewer Maya with their intense gazes, but the
Cuteness Effect is too much.]

John: I'm sorry, Maya. I can't stay here anyway.

[Cue distant explosion. John looks out of the patio, his eyes focused on
something distant.]

John: (reverently) I have matters to attend to at the heart of this
city. There is evil there, which does not sleep.

Ritsuko: Whatever. I didn't think running scared was part of your modus
operandi, Genoni.

[But she is talking to an empty room.]

Maya: (off screen) Senpai?

[Ritsuko looks at her mostly full mug and sighs.]

Ritsuko: (to herself) Think I'm going to fall for you, Genoni?

----------

['Evil,' as it turns out, does sleep. It also wakes up, but it doesn't
take American Express. Visa: it's everywhere you want to be evil.]

[Aaanyway, back to the story. Working his way towards actual
conciousness for nearly twenty minutes now, Jared is finally awake.]

Jared: I haven't slept that well since--my God! The city... it's all
up-side down! We walk upon the sky?! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? You maniacs,
you blew it up! You blew it all up! Damn you! Damn you all to Hell!!!
(shakes his head gently) Wait, I'm just hanging up-side down. (pause)
What the hell am I doing hanging up-side down?

[We pull back to see Jared is hanging up-side down from a light pole in
the middle of Tokyo-3. It goes without saying he's wearing only a
necktie and a confused look.]

Jared: (look at his feet, bound to the light pole with rope) Another
light pole, another hangover. How can the same shit happen to the same
guy four times?

[Jared quickly frees himself, remembering halfway to the ground that he
should have grabbing onto something solid . After leaving a Jared-shaped
crater in the sidewalk, the Goon clambers to his feet and starts walking
in a random direction.]

Woman: (off screen) I have found you at last, foul demon!

Jared: (thinking) C'mon Jared, what's missing? (the hampster starts
panting) I know! Clothes!

[Jared barges into a random storefront and grabs the nearest article of
clothing.]

Woman: (off screen, sing-song voice) Get back here Mr. Demon, so I can
kiii~illllll yoo~ouuu!

[In his haste, Jared grabs a novelty T-shirt instead of a pair of pants,
though he manages to put the shirt on correctly. He steps out of the
store front, calm and composed.]

Jared: Now see here, Miss--

[The woman, looking a little older than Jared, who has been chasing him
lets loose and ear-splitting shriek and covers her eyes with one
hand. Then she peaks out between her fingers for a second. Then she
covers eyes for good.]

Jared: < -_-; > Um... right. (some thinking occurs) I feel a draft....

[Jared looks at his reflection in one of the storefront's intact
windows. He STILL wears no pants, but sports a T-shirt reading 'The Man,
The Legend' with arrows pointing up and down respectively.]

Jared: Damn, damn!

Woman: DIE!!!

Jared: And damn! (dodging sword strikes and magical attacks) You know,
usually John gets this kind of grief.

[Without breathing hard, Jared disarms the young woman and knocks her
out with a Vulcan Nerve Pinch.]

Jared: Hah! Now for some breakfast.

Woman: (off screen) Halt, evil doer!

Jared: Goddammit! Another one?!

[This time Jared just plain runs. Cutely pyrotechnic magical attacks
annihilate the cityscape around him until he dives into another random
store.]

Jared: (taking cover behind a stove) What is this, Chronicles of War?!

[The light bulb above Jared's head comes on.]

Jared: That's IT! Think Jared! What Would James Do?

[After the onimous roll of thunder passes, (and a stray lightning bolt
reminds Jared not to plug other works) Jared leaps to his feet and grabs
the conspicuously placed Waffle Maker 8000 Ti with plate-homing
Autolauncher technology.]

Jared: (cheesy super-hero voice) Thankfully, this demo model is full of
bater. Eat fluffy, tasty, steaming... death? God, that sounds weak.

[But Jared is given no more time to complain, forced to dodge more
random attacks. He depresses the trigger on his new weapon, heedless of
the tanker truck full of real cream just behind the magical girls he's
aiming at...]

[KA-BOOM!!!]

[A moment later John Instant Transmissions into the scene.]

[Whipped cream falls from the sky in pure while sheets, settling on
EVERYTHING, oddly reminicse of the closing scenes from 'Ghostbusters.' A
half-dozen girls, barely over the age of consent, lay unconscious all
over the cratered street, the entire assembly (and much of the
surrounding buildings and cars) coated in waffles and whipped cream. The
girls are in various states of undress, their clothes thoroughly
shredded. None seem to have sustained even minor bruises, and not a cut
mars their flawless skin.]

[Dressed in the novelty T-shirt, but still lacking pants, Jared
stands on the other side of the street, the fully chromed Waffle Maker
8000 Ti held to his hip like a machine gun. He's coated from head to toe
in bits of partially cooked waffle and fresh whipped cream. He wears a
Bruce Cambell "I'm kicking ass" grin as he surveys his handywork.]

John: (interrupting from the sidelines) Ahem.

Jared: (looks at John, then goes into Panic Mode) This is NOT what it
looks like!

John: FIVE MINUTES!! Clothes! Can I _please_ leave you alone for FIVE
FUCKING MINUTES?!

Jared: It's not my fa--

John: (forehead vein bulging) FOUR MINUTES FIFTY-SEVEN SECONDS!

----------

[Again, a young man awakes.]

Shinji: (covering his eyes, speaking softly) Make the hurting stop....

[Note the use of the word 'man.']

Asuka: (also covering eyes and speaking softly) Quiet... you'll make my
head explode....

Shinji: Where am i?

Asuka: We're... (feels around) in a car?

[Shinji licks his lips, then wonders why his pillow tastes like Asuka.
Pillow? Asuka?]

Asuka: Do you mind?

[Shinji yanks his head away from Asuka's naked bossom, flinging himself
against the far door where he crumples onto the seat like an undercooked
crepe.]

Shinji: Ouch... just fucking _ouch_.

Asuka: Well, serves you right, pervert!

Shinji: Okay, where are my clothes?

Asuka: Um... (looks around) in the front seat.

Shinji: This is Jared's car, isn't it?

[Asuka turns faintly green.]

Shinji: He's going to kill us.

Asuka: (urgent) What happened last night?

Shinji: It appears that we slept together.

Asuka: We're fifteen! We shouldn't be doing such things!

Shinji: We shouldn't be piloting giant robots either. We'd better get
out of here, Asuka, there's no telling what that madman will do to us if
he finds us here.

Asuka: (looking at Shinji strangely) Agreed.

----------

[Elsewhere in Tokyo-3.]

Andy: (thinking) Taste the wrath of my Lego Minions, you mellon-stealing
savages!!! (suddenly awake) Ugh. I'm never going to get drunk again...
(notices his own paddle-shaped hand) Huh? AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Keeper: Oh, he's awake.

SCJ-Andy: Who are you?! Why am I caged like this? Get your filthy paws
off of me, you damn dirty ape!

Keeper: It thinks it can talk, how kawaii!

SCJ-Andy: (eyebrow twitching at hummingbird speeds) Ka... kawaii? NOOO!

[We cut to Jared and John, walking towards their apartment building.
Jared is dressed like a refugee from a 4th world country, and John looks
clean and ready to start the new day.]

John: Where did you leave Andy?

Jared: If I remember right, in the--

[Cut back to SCJ-Andy.]

SCJ-Andy: The zoo?!? I'll kill him! I'll gut him like fish! I'll make a
bowler hat from his scalp and a cane from his genitals!

[Cut to Jared and John.]

John: You do realize he'll try to horribly kill you now.

Jared: Hey, it's his own fault he tried to power sideways.

[Cut back to SCJ-Andy, who's being chased by the zoo keeper. The shorter
semi-human finds a wall that looks low enough for him to clear.]

SCJ-Andy: Hah, I escape!

[Tokyo Shuffling over the wall easily, SCJ-Andy lands in the arms of
Hikari Horaki, who stares blankly at the small cute thing looking at her
warily.]

Hikari: ... (blinks) ... kawaii....

SCJ-Andy: < 0_0;;; > Not again.

----------

[In the Eva cages.]

Kozo: Any threes?

Shigeru: Go fish.

[...]

----------

[In the parking garage of the three Goons'/Misato's apartments, Shinji
and Asuka are mostly into their clothes, pointedly ignoring one another.
They've been at this task for a while, the effects of whatever led to
them making out in the back of Jared's car still with them.]

Shinji: (rubbing a red welt on his butt) What the hell is this?

Asuka: Wait, I seem to recall...


[Flashback Mode.]

John: You're just going to leave them here?

Misato: With that creepy guy down the hall gone, Hyuga can handle them.

Jared: Creepy Guy? Gone? To where?

John: Elsewhere.

Andy: They killed him cold blood, hid the body, and signed his apartment
and possessions over to Rei.

Jared: < 0_0 > ...

John: Way to go, fuckhead.

Jared: I wanted to do that! I just got my 'Anime Director' tags in the
mail yesterday!

John & Misato: < -_-; > ...

Andy: (pats Jared on the back) There, there... I'm sure Rumiko Takehashi
is around here somewhere. We'll go hunting Monday, okay?

Jared: (sniff) Promise? (pouts) I even bought this cool dart gun for the
occasion!

[Before anyone can take the weapon from Jared, he raises it to his
lips... Thwimp!]

Misato: Shinji!

[Thud!]

[End flashback.]


Shinji: That... that bastard! (pauses) So I didn't get drunk?

Asuka: No, no that I remember. You just got shot.

Shinji: < -_- > Gee. Thanks. But... that doesn't explain why _you_ have
a hangover.

Asuka: < ._.;;; > Ah... heh heh...

[Yeah, we could flashback the sexually deviant stuff that went on last
night, but John's being an utter bastard and this episode's long enough
and... why am I making excuses?! On with the--]

----------

[A little while later.]

John: (pointing) Tokyo-3 Zoo?

Jared: This is it.

John: It's too early in the morning for this shit. What's it like
inside? If Andy goes nuts or flares that damn aura of his, we're going
to have a riot on our hands.

Jared: I don't know, okay? It's not like I drew a fucking map when I
dumped him here.

[Hikari walks out of the Zoo and stops to greet the pair.]

Hikari: Genoni-san? Waddell-san? Ohayo!

Jared: Ohayo, Hikari-san.

John: Ohayo. Hikari, it's Friday. Shouldn't you be at school?

Hikari: The zoo is on the way to my school. Today a Super Chibi-jin got
loose and I helped return it!

[Jared and John get scary-calm looks on their face.]

Jared: We won't interrupt you any longer then, Hikari-san.

John: Yes. We have business to attend to.

Hikari: Okay. Sayonara!

[After the girl is gone, Jared and John walk into the zoo with
determined, but casual, strides.]

John: What the hell was that about?

Jared: Andy and I ran into her once when she was dropping off materials
for Suzuhara.

John: Oh.

Jared: So what went on with Ritsuko?

John: When? (slightly panicked) Last night?

Jared: Earlier. Back when I left you, her, and that shitbag of a
commander in the bowls of NERV.

John: Proved to her that she was doing the wrong thing.

Jared: Really? You missed the ice cream.

John: I heard. You mentioned that Andy 'powered sideways'?

Jared: That's what he yelled before he went Super Chibi-jin and passed
out.

John: (sighs) Okay, now I have to ask why you were assaulting magical
girls.

Jared: They started it!

John: Oh, I'm not complaining. (used car salesman smile) But you _will_
tell me what happened after I left the main party.

Jared: Okay.

[Jared then procedes to relate numerous fantastic tales that, for the
sake of brevity and comedy, will be skipped.]

Jared: --But I threw away the champaign bottle, so there would be no
more of that.

John: Considerate. I take it you didn't want to take anyone to the
hospital?

Jared: Er... no. Oh, here's his cage.

John: S'up, dude?

SCJ-Andy: (adorably cute King Lear-style rage) Blow, winds, and crack
your cheeks! Rage, blow! You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout till you
have drenched our steeples, drowned the cocks! You sulfurous and
thought-executing fires, vaunt-couriers of oak-cleaving thunderbolts,
singe my white head! And thou, all-shaking thunder, strike flat the
thick rotundity o' the world! Crack nature's molds, all germens spill at
once that makes ingrateful man!

[Polite golf-clap to which SCJ-Andy bows.]

Jared: (out of no-where) John, is an empty mind full of nothing?

John: < o_0 > ... 

Jared: < ._.; > Breakfast?

John: < -_- > Breakfast.

[The pair instant transmission away, leaving SCJ-Andy alone in the zoo
once more. When the Goon of Destruction sees this, he begins to seethe.]

SCJ-Andy: (cutely furious) Why those little...

Voice: (off screen) Psst. We're getting you out of here. Step back.

SCJ-Andy: What?

Voice: (off screen) Step back!

[SCJ-Andy does so, and the roof suddenly caves in. Preparing to make
good his escape, SCJ-Andy is more than a little surprised when something
resembling a large black hose reaches in through the hole. Before the
mini-Goon can change course, he is sucked into the tube's blackness like
a weasel into a jet engine.]

----------

[Several blocks away, at a rather popular ramen stand...]

Jared: Did I just see a UFO fly away from the zoo? (looks at his ramen)
AAH! SOBA NOODLES!!!

Chef: Honored customer, you _ordered_ the soba noodles... specifically,
     [ ********** This is the TEN THOUSANDTH LINE!!!! ********** ]
you threatened my cat if I did not give you those noodles.

Jared: But...

John: And I told you that you hated soba noodles before, during, and
after you ordered.

Jared: But...

Random Passerby: Excuse me, sir, aren't you the soba-eating champion of
Hokkaido?

Jared: What?!

John: One and the same.

Jared: But--

John: You have four. I repeat, FOUR machines purchased specifically for
making soba noodles in our apartment.

Jared: But--

John: You also order several hundred dollars worth of 'make your own
soba' books.

Jared: But--

John: I won't metion the T-shirt, but why did you sign us up for 'The
All-Soba Channel'?

Jared: But--

John: (Demon-head mode) EAT THE DAMN NOODLES!

Random Passerby: Oh my God! A flying saucer just attacked the zoo!

Jared: Told you!

John: We're not going anywhere until you finish your breakfast.

Jared: But I already had breast-ass-- I mean, waffles...

John: (eyetwitch) ...

----------

[An hour later in the NERV Eva testing grounds outside Tokyo-3. John and
the Children (First through Fourth) are standing next to some large bins
filled with volleyballs and cardboard targets crudely shaped like
various Angels about a dozen yards away.]

John: And so Andy is missing and Jared is in the infirmary again. While
some of you _can_ manage a Kamehameha in your Evas, your execution
leaves a lot to be desired. So we're going to work on form outside of
the Evas so you don't wreck any orphenages, churches, homeless
shelters--

Toji: Isn't that your job?

[A sharp glare encourages Suzuhara to retract his statement.]

John: Let's skip the Q&A and get right to training, shall we?

Asuka: So what's with the volleyballs?

John: (rhetorically) Why does no one listen to me?

Shinji: (raising his hand and eagerly jumping in place) Ooh! Ooh!
Because you're American?

John: Must... Not... Kill... Main... Character...

Toji: Is there a point coming soon?

[I think we'd all like to know that one.]

John: THE POINT is that a volleyball is roughly the same size as a
standard Kamehameha Wave before firing. You're all going to practice
throwing these balls like Kamehamehas until you get it right, then we
move on.

Asuka: There's a dirty joke in there.

John: That's it!! Jared is forbidden to train you kids ever again!

Asuka: You've forbidden Mucha and now Waddell. You're going to
exclusively train us now?

John: Damn you and your German logic!

Asuka: _Now_ who's hanging around Andy too much?

John: (thundering) ENOUGH!! (panting)

Shinji: What happens after we can throw these balls Kamehameha-style?

John: You can't throw them yet, so what's the point of telling you? Get
started.

[Much grumbling (except from the ever-obeidient Rei) preceeds the
exercise. The throws are awkward at first and pretty much stay that way
for several minutes.]

Asuka: This isn't working! Hey, Mister Trainer, train us!

John: You aren't focusing, Sohryu. (grabs a ball one-handed and spins it
on his finger) It's true this isn't a good way to throw a ball, but
you're not throwing a ball.

Toji: We're not?

John: You're throwing a Kamehameha Wave. First, you have to beleive that
as fact. Then you have to focus your energy, every bit of concentration
should be on this ball and it going the direction you want to your
target. (rolls the ball as he slides into the standard fireball/
Kamehameha/Gallat Gun/Hadoken/you-name-it stance)

[The ball glows ever-so-slightly with blue energy before John shouts
'Kamehameha' and nukes one of the targets. Specifically, the black crab-
squid one that no one seemed to recognize.]

[Author's Note: The original 8th Angel people, try to keep up here.]

John: But you can't do that yet. So all I ask is for you to try focusing
on getting the ball to go straight and we'll work from there.

[Training continues for an hour before Rei shows any regularity in
pegging the targets and Asuka manages to hit _something_ every once in a
while.]

John: (after being hit by one of Asuka's strays yet again) Ow! Quit it,
Sohryu! Ok, time to move on!

Shinji: But, Genoni-senpai, Toji and me can't get close to the targets
yet.

John: That's not to much of a worry, you're going to be drilling
yourselves on this as homework anyway.

Toji: Aw, come on!

John: Look, the next lesson is counter-striking, so range isn't the
issue here, just aim.

Shinji: What do you mean counter-striking?

John: Letting the enemy hit you with whatever they have isn't the way to
live long or win the battle. The Angels are quite fond of projectile
energy attacks against the Evas and the city itself. So you have to
learn how to shoot down these attacks.

The Children: (finally dawning on them) Aaaaaahh....

John: < ^_^ > So you have to shoot down my energy blasts with those
volleyballs, ready? (ignores cries that they are in fact not ready) GO!

----------

[In a dark secluded room filled with candles and midgets...]

Misato: Oh yes! YES! Oh God! Oh! OooooH! Oh! Yes!

[...]

[Goddamnit! Not again!!]

[In the room where Super Chibijin Andy is being held!]

[All is dark.]

SCJ-Andy: Marco...

Numerous Hi-pitched Voices: (completely surrounding the chibi-Goon)
Polo...

SCJ-Andy: Who's there? I demand you show yourselves!

Numerous Hi-pitched Voices: We will obey, O Golden One.

[The lights in the room slowly turn on revealing SCJ-Andy surrounded by
a bunch of chibi-cultists. The super-deformed chanters are on their
knees bowing repeatedly at the Maniac.]

SCJ-Andy: (looking around, Mel Brooks-style) It's good to be the King.

[The cult leader makes his presense known with much trumpeting and
fanfare from some tiny toadies. In his arms is a book almost as large as
the midget's headdress. And given that the headress is almost the size
of the leader himself, that's saying something.]

Chibi-Leader: As it was foretold in the Sacred Book of Cuteness-

Chibi-Cultists: Hail the Necronimicute!

Chibi-Leader: You, the Golden One, have come! 

[Much extremely cute chibi-cheering commences, which is called to a
close by the Leader spreading his arms.]

SCJ-Andy: (surprised, then thoughtful) Necronimicute? Such... such
cuteness! (eyes gleaming cutely) It will be mine... oh yes, it _will_ be
mine! (normal) So...

Chibi-Leader: The Golden One has come to deliver us from the oppresions
of the Big Ugly Ones!

[More insanely cute cheering.]

SCJ-Andy: < o_o; > Right. (normal, to the hordes) My people! I have come
to save you from the iron fist of the Big Ones! Their time on this earth
is over, and soon I shall rise to the thrown of power, ruler of the
universe! For I am the MIGHTIEST OF ALL CHIBI!!!

[Flaring his cute aura, SCJ-Andy levitates a foot off the ground,
playing up the diminuative crowd.]

----------

[Some hours later...]

[Jared is thrown through the outer doors of NERV by the nursing staff.
Now, last I checked there was something about a hypocratic oath to do no
harm. But since Jared has proven quite resilient to mortal damage maybe
it's ok.]

Jared: (brushing himself off, unharmed/fully recovered) Honestly, I
don't see the problem with asking for a sponge bath every four minutes.
And if they didn't want to be hit on, why are they dressed like cute
anime nurses? (short pause) Oh yeah, they _are_ cute anime nurses...

[As Jared considers going back inside, an explosion interrupts his
misplaced fantasies. Looking towards the source of the noise, Jared
spots a flying saucer the size of a small doughnut shop.]

Jared: (overly-dramatic style) It's a bird! It's a plane! ... It's...
crashing? ... It's HEADED THIS WAY!!!

[Pedestrians run around screaming. Jared looks about to join them for a
moment, but opts instead to look cool and tough as the mineature
(relatively speaking) saucer slams into the ground before him just as in
the classic Men In Black scene. Numerous (what else?) Men In Black
appear from nowhere and charge the front door, energy weapons at the
ready. Jared works his way around the ship to see SCJ-Andy tumbling out
of an escape hatch. The Goon quickly hides himself, thinking up a plan
to get SCJ-Andy out of public sight.]

SCJ-Andy: (cutely solemn) They fought like warrior poets. They fought
like Chibi. And they won... well, they haven't won (looks at the
Necronimicute) yet.

[Jared peaks out from behind his hiding place to see SCJ-Andy floating
away. He rushes the small one and cutely truncheons the transformed
Goon. A burlap sack is produced, and the adorable form of SCJ-Andy goes
into it.]

Jared: Well, that's taken care of.

[Jared throws the sack over his shoulder and walks off. Not far down the
street, he spies a diner that serves American breakfasts and ducks
inside. John is already in the diner, and waves Jared to a seat opposite
him.]

John: I see you've recovered.

[Jared gently sets the sack on the floor, then takes a seat.]

Jared: S'up?

John: The pilots are finishing their training right now.

Jared: Alone?

[John glances at the bag, then nods to himself.]

John: They're just handling some balls.

Jared: ... Oh?

John: (head in hands) It's been a long morning. When did you get kicked
out of the hospital?

Jared: I--

John: Begged the nurses to give you sponge baths over and over again.

Jared: Where has NERV been hiding those chicks?!

John: (shrugs) I don't know. You find out what happened back at the zoo?

Jared: Eh, it's still in one piece. (off-hand) Andy's still chibi.

[John glances at the bag again.]

John: After you knocked him out? Hmm...

Jared: Don't worry, I've got a sure fire way too--

Robber #1: (yelling in English) Get your hands in the fuckin' air!

Robber #2: (yelling in Japanese) Hands up!

[The small, multi-national breakfast crowd does as ordered, Goons
included. You know what happens here. At length, one of the robbers
comes to the Goons' table. After taking their wallets, he gestures to
the sack.]

Robber #2: You two have something valuble in this sack?

Jared: (glances at the package) Depends on who you talk to, but this
sack is not yours to take.

Robber #2: Hand it over.

John: What lies within does not belong to us.... We are merely it's
keepers.

Robber #2: Hand. It. Over.

Jared: Okay. Okay. Just... don't look inside.

[Of course, the man does so, and freezes in place, staring at the
contents, his face lit by a soft golden glow.]

Robber #1: Tatsuo? Tatsuo!

Tatsuo: (tear rolling down one cheek) It's... so cute.

Robber #1: Tatsuo! Snap out of it, man!

Tatsuo: I'm... I'm okay, Bobby.

[Gently closing the sack, Tatsuo sets it back in place. John and Jared
both quickly Gohan-grab their wallets from the robber's bag.]

John: (looking at Jared) < -_- > ...

Jared: (looking at John) < ^_^ > ...

[Shaking his head, Tatsuo bolts, taking Bobby with him and leaving a
stunned and silent diner behind.]

Jared: I think that's enough for one day.

John: I'm ready to go.

Jared: I'm still hungry, but it's just been one of those mornings.

John: After all those soba noodles you had last night, I'm amazed you
haven't gained twenty pounds.

[Jared glares at John, then shrugs, and the pair exit while the rest of
the diner's patrons slowly put their hands down and look about, afraid
and bewildered.]

John: When this day is over, I'm writing some of this shit down.

Jared: This bag's getting heavy.

John: You mentioned something about getting Andy back to normal?

[In response, the perverted Goon twists the top of the sack tightly
shut, then swings away, bashing it repeatedly into the side of a nearby
building.]

John: Um....

[After about swing thirty, Jared opens the sack, and out tumbles a
full-sized Andy. John golf claps.]

Andy: (coming to) Shire! Bagginsss! (blinks) Ugh... what the hell just
happened?

John: That's what we would NOT like to know. It's time to get back to
NERV.

Jared: (mo-men-tum) To NERV!

----------

[At NERV, duh.]

[Ritsuko Akagi is wandering the halls without her trademark labcoat and
outfit, but instead jeans and a T-shirt labelled "DAY-OFF" in bold
English letters. The Good Doctor seems quite pleased about her brief
reprieve, and has been wandering from department to department rubbing
it in everyone's face marking in a small notepad after each visit. Then
it comes to the Intellegence Division's section of the underground
complex...]

[Most of the area is a ghost town during normal working hours anyway, so
pickings are slim. Inevitably she comes to the most feared office
outside of the Commander's, The Major's, or her own. The Devil's Maw,
The Place Where no Sane Being Would Tread, The True Dark Underbelly of
NERV... The Goons' office.]

Ritsuko: (steeling herself) Alright, it's Gloat-Time! (opens the door
without knocking)

[John, alone in the office, sets aside some paperwork. He almost folds
his hands Gendo-style, but thinks better of it and instead rests his
hands behind his head, leaning back in his chair.]

John: Nice after-glow, Rit-chan. Get some more after I left?

Ritsuko: Not even you can spoil my mood, Genoni.

John: (raised eyebrow) Is that a challenge?

Ritsuko: (changing the subject quickly) I see you have a lot of work
today.

John: No more than usual. Since Jared and Andy avoid the stuff like the
plague, it's taken me a while to catch back up. Being kidnapped for a
few days tends to cause a bit of a backlog.

Ritsuko: Well, _I_ don't have to worry about that today! And you know
why?

John: Lemme guess... (stares at Ritsuko's shirt just long enough to be
uncomfortable) It's your day off?

Ritsuko: Damn straight! (preps a full volume haughty tart laugh and
executes it with style)

John: (ears bleeding) I'm happy that you're happy, Rit-chan.

Ritsuko: You don't get to call me that.

John: Aw, come on! Last night had to have counted for something!

Ritsuko: I wouldn't bring up last night if I were you.

John: If you were me... There's a thought. Do tell.

Ritsuko: As far as I'm concerned, I was drugged, seduced, and then
raped... by you.

John: Wow. Just wow. I'm amazed you've managed to come up with an excuse
that completely absolves yourself from any blame and demonizes me at the
same time!

Ritsuko: I thought you'd be impressed.

John: In fact, I only see one flaw right now. And that's that neither of
us really remember last night, so I could very well claim the same
thing!

Ritsuko: I'm an acclaimed scientist and the daughter of a Nobel Prize
winner. You are an insane psychopath with no record past five months
ago. Do the math.

John: That's actually sociology homework, Rit-chan.

Ritsuko: You're still here? I expected you to run off or cower in terror
of my allegations.

John: (power pose) I fear not your fictional accounts of the past! Call
Maya, we'll see who's seducing who.

Ritsuko: Fine! (into her Mini-MAGI) Maya, Genoni's office, now!

[A few minutes later.]

Ritsuko: What took you so long?

Maya: Andy had pushed all the elevator buttons again.... All
seventy five of them.

Ritsuko: Make a note, voice control for all the elevators and omit
Andy's voice from the database.

Maya: (making the note) Yes, ma'am.

John: (clears throat loudly)

Ritsuko: And as for him... Tell John exactly how he-

John: (inturrupting) Maya, Ritsuko and I are concerned about the events
the other night. And since you woke up without a memory-blurring
hangover, we were hoping you could enlighten us as to what happened.

Maya: < ^_^ > I drugged, seduced, and raped both of you. Anything else?

John & Ritsuko: ....

John: I feel so violated... and yet... so turned on at the same time.

Ritsuko: Maya! How could you do that to me?!

John: Hello! Single Asian Female! You're her senpai! Of course she's
going to emulate your evil!

Maya: Evil? Oh, no. I was just horny.

Ritsuko: .... I guess that's... better than what we thought had
happened. (starts chuckling) Heh heh. John and I actually thought that
we had--

Maya: (not paying attention) Of course, I practically needed the
Jaws-of-Life to separate you two so I could get any.

[Thump. Thump.]

Maya: Senpai? Genoni-san? Why did you two faint? Hello?

----------

[The sun continues it's lazy arc across the sky as consciousness is
regained and routines are sought after. Akagi finds her way into the
Command staff and the last person on her list.]

Misato: (answering the knock) Come in. (upon spotting Ritsuko) Oh... Can
you do the short version this time? I'm kind of busy.

Ritsuko: (heart not into it) And I have all the time in the world...

Misato: That's not your usual victory speech. What happened? You seemed
to have such a great time last night.

Ritsuko: I'm a little fuzzy on last night. What happened?

Misato: Let's see... Mucha tried to power sideways or something and
Jared _said_ he'd walk him home, but I doubt that happened. Didn't see
them for the rest of the night.

Ritsuko: What about Genoni?

Misato: Genoni... Genoni... He was quiet for most of the evening. Kaji
and I snuck away after the third bar so you'd know if he did anything
better than I would.

Ritsuko: Hmmph.

Misato: (wink) Why? Did you and him do something naughty last night?

Ritsuko: (paling) Of course not! Why would I have anything to do with
that foul man?!

Misato: (thinking) Oh. My. God. She did sleep with him. (out loud) Of
course, Rit-chan, I was just teasing you.

Ritsuko: (sigh) Still...

Misato: (eyebrows go up) ....

Ritsuko: I think Genoni should go with us to the Jet Alone conference.

[Had Misato been drinking something, there would've been a spit-take.]

Misato: (disbeleif) Should he now?

Ritsuko: Look, I don't want him to come!

Misato: (thinking) Liar.

Ritsuko: But those three assholes seem to be in on every dirty secret in
the world. I have a bad feeling about this conference and I'd like to
have some firepower that'll make it through security.

Misato: You have one of those checkpoint-proof guns, I got you it for
your birthday.

Ritsuko: I didn't necessarily mean that I'd be shooting somebody
literally.

Misato: (pouting) Oh...

Ritsuko: And John is the most likely one to behave.

Misato: Lemme guess, you want me to call Genoni on your behalf.

Ritsuko: (feigning surprise) Oh I could never ask something like that of
you! But, it being my day-off and all, I'm not really allowed to make
official calls to other personnel.

Misato: Of course, Rit-chan, I understand. I'll call them later.

[Long pause.]

Misato: < o_o > So, was he any good?

Ritsuko: < -_- > I hate you.

----------

[The Goons Apartment of DOOM!]

[Jared and John are dueling in the living room while discussing events
from earlier in the week. Normal. Both are shouting insults and battle
cries in Badly Dubbed English. Normal for the Goons. John is fencing
with a long cordless phone's antenna while Jared is weilding one of the
apartment's floor lamps like a bo staff. New, but not unexpected.]

[After a string of counter, and counter-counter, and
counter-counter-counter, and counter-counter-counter-counter, and
counter-counter-counter-counter-counter 'super' moves that leave foot
prints on the couch, the coffe table, the TV, the speakers, the walls,
and the ceiling, the two back away and begin speaking normally. They
then continue their battle at a slightly less intense pace.]

John: So the Super Dew works then?

Jared: Well, it seemed to work for us the way you intended it to.

John: Of course, it did.

Jared: I was kind of hoping it'd work too well, like with Shinji.
(Blocks a string of thrusting attacks, then counters) WHIRLWIND OF
ILLUMINATION!

John: (dissapates Jared's attack) REDIAL STORM! (pauses to catch his
footing) Shinji was a special case. He wasn't even supposed to see the
stuff.

[The pair lock weapons.]

Jared: That still was pretty cool.

John: Actually yeah.

Jared: It had to have been fun for the kid too. Operating on instincts,
at one with the world, a modest harem of females....

John: Yeah... About that. Whatever happened to those women that he took?

[They break apart and begin circling each other. In the background, we
faintly hear the old Star Trek fight music begin.]

Jared: I found the left-overs of Shinji's game of syrup twister in an
alley.

John: So you're saying you found Shinji naked buried under eleven women?

Jared: Well, yeah I... (blink) No no, There was only ten women. I
distinctly remember counting only twenty breasts.

[The two clash at close range again, sparks flying from where steel
meets steel.]

John: Well at least you're paying attention. I wonder where the last one
went?

[Phone rings.]

John: Would you mind if I got this?

Jared: (letting off and backing a respectable distance away) Go ahead.

John: Voice of Reason, how may I direct your blunder?

Misato: (over the phone) Cute. Is this a secure line?

John: About as secure as a nun's panties.

Jared: (twirling the floor lamp in one hand) Ooh, I'll have to remember
that one!

Misato: (over the phone) Riiiight. (composes herself) You're coming with
Doctor Akagi and I, representing NERV at an _international_ conference--

John: (cutting in) Featuring the unveiling of the Jet Alone robot, an
experimental remote control substitute to the Evas.

Misato: (over the phone) Well, I see you're on the ball.

John: Actually, I'm a little concerned about this unveiling. Shouldn't
they have already tried to show it off?

Misato: (over the phone) Well yes, they _tried_ but apparently a last
minute check showed that someone had sabatoged the robot so they made up
some lame excuse and called it off until now.

John: (pensive) I see.

Misato: (over the phone) I'm sure they blame NERV for the whole thing,
so I want you there to brush aside any allegations and snow them.
Pretend you work for them, basically.

John: I'm wounded.

Jared: That's my line!

Misato: (over the phone) I do have some more stuff to take care of here,
so if you have anything else you'd like to add...

John: Hmmm... They suspect NERV in sabatoge?

Misato: (over the phone) Why wouldn't they? We're an above-the-law
pseudo-government miliaristic organization and their targetted
competitor. But they shouldn't have anything on us, whether we did it or
not. Security's been real good about spies so far.

John: (musing) Yet Kaji still works for us...

Misato: (over the phone) What was that?

John: Nothing. Homework for later....  < 0_0 > ... Oh my God!

Misato & Jared: (startled) What?!

John: There's been a security leak! The eleventh babe! She's the mole!
Misato! Jared only counted twenty breasts! That means ten naked women!
Not eleven!

Misato: ... (click)

John: She hung up! Why did she hang up on me? This is important!

Jared: We have to have a talk about your trains of thought, my friend.

John: DAMMIT!

[John hurls the phone out the open balcony door. There is a long
silence, followed by the sound of glass breaking and a car alarm going
off.]

Jared: Another phone?! That's like the fifteenth one! (pause) Now, my
unarmed opponent... HAVE AT THEE!

John: AAAH! (dodges and Force-Pulls a chair from the kitchen, before
crossing "weapons" with Jared) You have dishonored me and the noble art
of Furniture Fighting! Look upon thy death!

[They continue to fight.]

John: Waitaminute! What happened to the ten women after you dropped
Shinji off?!

Jared: Uh... ahehehe.

Andy: (charging both from behind with the kitchen table) AN OPENING!

----------

[Late that evening, Andy is burning the midnight oil trying to decipher
the ancient text, bound in peach fuzz and written in fingerpaints and
crayons.]

Andy: I don't get it. This book made perfect sense when I pried it out
of that guy's cold stubby hands. Why can't I read it now? I took that
course in ancient Sumerian just for this moment! For years I've wanted
an ancient book of evil and now it doesn't make sense with the letters
so tiny and warped out of proportion! It's like you'd have to be really
small with giant eyes to be able to make heads or tails out of this
cursed book!

[Unfortunately folks, I think he may figure this one out.]


           --------------------------------------------------

                              TITLE FLASH:

                           Three Goons in Eva
                               Episode 7

                      Rebirth of a Fallen Angel /
                       "Yes, Ellen, there are..."

           --------------------------------------------------

[Tokyo-3 spreads out as Guns n' Roses "Paradise City" starts playing. It
gets louder, not just from the song's natural increase, but as the
camera nears the Goon's apartment. Outside the hallway door to the
apartment where Doctor Ritsuko Akagi and Major Misato Katsuragi are
standing the volume is at rock concert levels.]

[Inside, on the other side of military-grade sound-proofing, Jared is
thrashing an air guitar seemingly oblivious to the actual level of
volume his repaired and "improved" amplifier is producing. Rei is
sitting in the kitchen, wisely with sound-killing earmuffs, frowning at
her bowl of cereal which seems to be chewing itself into a fine powder
before she can even pour the milk-- nope, it's cheese now.]

[The song finally ends and the Goon settles down to "normal" just as
Misato and Ritsuko let themselves in.]

Jared: (finally noticing them) Good morning, Ladies.

Ritsuko: WHAT?

Misato: I keep telling her, "You spend all that time in quiet computer
rooms, you'll never be able to handle loud things like firefights and
rock concerts," but does she listen? Noooo.

Jared: To what do we owe this honor and privelege?

Misato: We're here for Genoni.

Jared: Lucky rotten bastard.

Misato: He has to come with us to a conference in Old Tokyo.

Jared: He what?! But he's been good! What did he do this time? Surely
something that bad would've made the news or something! Is this about
the gelatin in Gendo's office? Because if it is I had no part in that!

Ritsuko: WHAT DID HE SAY?

Misato: < -_- > Gelatin in _whose_ office?

Jared: (twiddles his thumbs and stares at his shoes) Uhh...

Misato: Where is John?

Jared: Getting dressed in his room last I heard, since Rei's done with
it for now.

Misato: Which one is it?

Jared: (wink) You'll know.

[Sensing they won't get anymore useful _relevant_ information out of The
Pervert, the pair walk to the hallway and look at the signs above each
door.]

["Tresspassers will be violated."]

["Abandon all Hope, ye who enter here."]

["All your base are belong to us."]

Misato: Uhhh...

Ritsuko: (hearing back to normal) Don't ask! This is obviously a test of
some sort. They think they're so clever...

[Akagi glares at each door intently for a few minutes. Misato crosses
her arms and gets impatient.]

Misato: Ayanami! Where's Genoni?

[There's no answer from Rei. On second thoughts, Misato realizes that
she may still have those earmuffs on. Jared cuts the suspense short by
calling out that John's is the last one on the left and then vanishes.]

Ritsuko: I still say this is one more mind game.

Misato: He's not even up and about yet and he's already zinged you for
the day. I'm impressed, that takes skill.

Ritsuko: Laugh all you want, Mis-chan, but he's out to get me!

[Akagi opens John's door in time for a dart to stop right in front of
her eyes. Behind the dart John is holding his hand out post throw, but
his hand trying to grab the dart back. The surprised look stays for a
moment on everybody's faces...]

John: KNOCK NEXT TIME! KNOCK!

[The door slams shut, numerous locks clicking into place. Misato
snickers.]

Ritsuko: I hate you so very, very much.

Misato: < ^_^ > ... (knocks on the door)

John: (standing behind the pair) Yes?

[Ritsuko jumps a foot into the air, but manages not to scream. Misato
sighs and turns to face the Goon while Ritsuko opens up with the Glare
of Death.]

John: Thanks for knocking, anyway.

Misato: You're coming to Jet Alone conference.

John: Now? (before they can answer) Sure, I'm ready.

Ritsuko: You're hardly dressed for it.

John: (looks at his usual mode of dress) This is appropriate for
business.

Ritsuko: John, you're coming with us to the international conference,
and thus, wearing a tie.

John: (throwing an immediate tantrum) I don't wanna wear a tie!
WAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!

Jared: (appearing around the corner) You made him cry!

Rei: ('yelling') you monster!

[Both immediately disappear around the corner.]

Ritsuko: < o_0 > What the...

Misato: < o_0 > ... hell?

John: And they promised they'd behave. (to the women) You're still here?
Oh yeah... that _thing_. That... (extreme loathing) _tie_....

[The three go back to the living room to see Jared putting some yen into
his pocket and Rei putting her spiral bound notebook away.]

John: Jared?

Jared: Dude?

John: I need a... (twitches) tie.

Jared: (understanding the graveness of the situation) Duuude.

John: So, you have anything?

Jared: (with that 'I'm a Space Marine' set jaw) Dude.

[The pair of Goons disappear into Jared's rooms for a few seconds then
reappear in the living room with John holding The Perfect Tie as one
would a rotten fish.]

John: Granted I've been an asshole this past week, but a _tie_?! This
isn't about the gelatin in Ikari's office is it?

Ritsuko: Gelatin?

Misato: Let me guess, you had nothing to do with it.

John: But it's true! Though I wish I had been involved with such a
brilliant strike against the bastard Commander.

Ritsuko: He tries to kill you (aside) and me, and that clone (normal)
and all you want to do is fill his office with peach pudding?

John: The fact that you don't recognize the genius in the maneuver just
shows how subtle this mastermind works. I long to see Gendo's face when
he finds out this unchecked stalker has his number.

Jared: You realize that with our track record, it was probably Andy
doing something for the hell of it and you're reading way too much into
all this... Again.

Ritsuko: Well?

John: What?

Ritsuko: Put the tie on and we can go.

John: uh... (blushes) You see...

Misato: (scoffs, sly smirk) So there _is_ something you can't do...

John: (not noticing Ritsuko taking it upon herself to put his tie on)
I'll have you know that ties are an outdated abomination to the working
class! And furthur more I-- GRK! XXXCH! GGGG-GGGGX!

Ritsuko: (Still holding the tie) We leave now. (begins dragging John
behind her out of the apartment)

Misato: (sighs) And to think, I'm getting used to all this nonsense. (to
Rei) Are you all caught up with your homework, Rei-chan?

[If she was bothered by the "Rei-chan", she doesn't show it.]

Rei: hai. after school, genoni-sensei was going to take me shopping for
clothes.

Misato: I'm sure we'll be back by the time you're done with school
today. I know, maybe Asuka can take you shopping!

[Rei gives Misato "The Look".]

Misato: (backing away slowly) Er, then again, maybe we can try to leave
early. Um... Gotta go!

----------

[In terms of roadway, Tokyo-3 is just under 60 miles from Old Tokyo.
After getting through that scoured gem of a city, another 10 miles
inland leaves NERV's selected representatives at the doorstep of the
international Jet-Alone Conference. It's a thirty-five minute VTOL ride.
Misato's driving time: 34 minutes, 24 seconds.]

[After parking, Misato leaps out of her seat and poses.]

Misato: ("V" For Victory pose) I LOVE THIS CAR!!!

[While the Goon is used to Misato's driving and the speeds involved,
Ritsuko is not and makes immediate use of the emergency bags in the
glove compartment.]

John: You're out of practice, no wonder I defeated you so easily.

Ritsuko: (still looking both green and pale) You're getting strapped to
the hood for the ride home.

[John only smiles and begins to slide Dracula-style towards the
entrance.]

Misato: Should I tell him to walk?

Ritsuko: No, we brought him here to be himself. Anything that'll throw
these pompous assholes off their game will work in our favor.

Misato: I wonder though... When John was kidnapped, Andy and Jared
showed noticable improvement in intellegence.

Ritsuko: < -_- > Before or after they started an international mob war?

Misato: < o_o; > I didn't say it stayed, I just said that they
seemed to pick up the slack of their lost companion.

Ritsuko: You think John will adjust to fill the social void of Jared
and Andy? He's more likely to try and adapt to whatever's missing
between the two of us.

Misato: But between us two, what's left?

Ritsuko: I suppose we'll find out.

John: (several paces in front of them) You know, I can hear everything
you're saying. Quit talking like I'm not here.

Misato: At least you're not floating outright.

John: I keep that for NERV-use only. 'Sides, I have a feeling I should
be conserving my energy right now.

Ritsuko: I'm sure everything will be fine at the conference.... Did you
have to park so far away?!

Misato: (balls hands under her chin, worried look) I don't want anyone
scratching the paint on the first day!

John: If the paint gets scratched, I'd be more shocked and amazed than
upset, that stuff took--I mean, is supposed to be able to take a rocket
and come out clean.

[Finally reaching the main entrance they show the guards their badges
and pass through the following security points without a problem. Misato
is smirking as if claiming a small victory. A conference attendant leads
them to a large table reserved for NERV. With only three people at a
table that could comfortably seat twelve, John opts for the seat with
his back to the podium instead of joining Katsuragi and Akagi on the
other side. After several drinks ranging in content from alcohol to
caffeine to other, the conference finally gets underway.]

Chair: Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for attending this exhibition by
Nippon Heavy Industry Solidarity. You will be observing the official
demonstration from the control room. But first, are there any questions?

Ritsuko: (raising her hand) Yes!

Chair: Ah, the famous Dr. Ritsuko Akagi! I am very glad to see you here.

Ritsuko: Thank you. May I ask a question?

Chair: Absolutely, yes!

John: (suddenly stands, glasses in Glare Mode) I want... one _billion_
dollars! (Dr. Evil laugh)

Ritsuko: (aside to Genoni... across the table) What are you doing?!

John: Let's ask the hand puppets!

Ritsuko: < 0_0; > ...

Chair: Err... Dr. Akagi?

[Both ignore the ranting Goon, who waves his sock puppets around
manically while dodging Security.]

Ritsuko: Ahem. According to the documention, the unit is equipped with
an internal nuclear reactor.

Chair: Yes. It's a major feature of this unit--continuous operation for
150 days is assured.

Ritsuko: But looking at it from a safety perspective, you risk too much
using a nuclear reactor in a weapon designed for urban hand-to-hand
combat.

Chair: Who are you to talk about safety?

John: (swooping in on a rappelling cable) I am Batman!

Chair: Security!

Ritsuko: (trying to ignore John) There would also be problems with
remote-control in an emergency situation.

Chair: Our system is more humane. There is no pilot to risk physical or
mental injury. Remote systems have been proven to be easier to pilot
than manned weapons.

John: (reappearing at the NERV table as if nothing's happened) But
putting all your faith in computers is a mistake not easily forgivable
on the battlefield. It would be far too easy for someone to alter a
computer's program to have your robot do anything from dance the dreaded
macarena to forcing a nuclear meltdown in a crowded location. Do you
want to know just how many Angels are capable of such a feat?

Chair: And I assume NERV's weapons are immune to such an attack?

John: It's been proven that each Angel puts out varying degrees of EMP,
some knocking out power, others severing communication channels, even a
moderate amount of actual reprogramming. Without a human hand guiding
your toy, what will it do?

Chair: Every contingency has been thought of and taken care of.

John: Including sabotage?

Chair: (frown) Especially sabotage.

John: .... (sharp glare as the security guards give him plenty of
space) Why 150 days?

Chair: I beg your pardon?

John: Pardon denied. Why would you need a battle robot to be able to be
active for 150 days straight? Evas can finish virtually any battle in
under ten minutes, why would you ever need to have a Jet Alone active in
an area for almost a third of the year? What are you planning to send
these tin cans out to do, Mr. Chairman? Long-term patrols in which
nation? Search and destroy what targets?

Chair: Just who do you think you are?!

John: Smarter than you, for one thing. I am John Genoni, Puppet Master
of Kings, look upon my works, ye mighty, and tremble!

Chair: Mr. Genoni... You work for NERV?

John: In a manner of speaking. I prefer to say, I work _with_ NERV.

Chair: Just what do you do there, if you don't mind my asking?

John: I handle internal and external affairs, as well as troubleshooting
various areas of expertise.

Chair: (shuffling some papers on the podium) That's quite a vague
description. 

John: It's a vague job. But please, why 150 days?

Chair: It's more useful than a weapon which lasts less than 5 minutes 
without its power cord.

John: Oh, we fixed that problem weeks ago, your spy must've been
grabbing the old data. Our Evas can run indefinitely now.

Chair: Well... (slight frown) That's good for NERV then.

John: Why don't you just admit that you're building the Jet Alone robots
to hunt down the Evangelions? You have a walking atomic bomb that you
hope will match an Eva's strength long enough to detonate at point blank
range. THAT is why they are unmmanned! They're walking cruise missles!

Chair: I think this has gone on long enough. These unfounded wild
completely untrue--

John: (interrupting) Careful, you're getting awfully close to being in
denial.

Chair: --accusations are obviously another attempt by NERV to hide the
truth--

John: (interrupting) You want the truth?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!
... Sorry, you left yourself wide open for that one.

Misato: He's got you there.

Chair: (all attempts at emotional control gone) Admit that you have
mentally unstable adolecents at the helm of those monsters! Admit that
you have virtually no control over those giants! (raises a remote
control)

[The projector activates and clicks to the first slide. Canon would have
a file photo of Unit-01 going berserk during the first Angel fight.
Perhaps the mole may have even managed to smuggle security footage of
Feral Shinji to her boss. Instead, we get a photo of the Chairman
engaged in perverse sexual acts with a leather-clad dominatrix.]

[Of course, the stuck-up guests at the conference freak out, but
nothing near the Chairman's reaction. Panicking, the executive starts
frantically clicking the advance button. The result is a crude animation
that earns sounds of disgust from many of the guests.]

[But not all of them.]

Misato: Woo! Go baby! More hip action! Come on!

Ritsuko: (rubbing her temples) Don't critique him...

John: Whoa, that can't be comfortable.

Misato: With enough stretching beforehand it's actually quite nice.

[The Chairman runs off to dismantle the projector with a heavy metal
object and an attendant steps in front of the microphone to usher
everyone to the control room.]

----------

[Class 2-F. As usual all the Children are bored out of their wits,
Saturday or not. Then an anouncement comes over the school speakers.]

Intercom: (recorded voice) This is an drill of the emergency
preparedness system. Please evacuate to your shelters. This is only a
drill.

Teacher: Oh? Miss Horaki, you know what to do.

Hikari: Yes teacher. (to the class) Come on people, let's go.

Shinji: I guess we should go to NERV.

Toji: I don't have to go with them do I?

Asuka: Of course not, idiot! You're a pilot, we have to report to base
in an emergency.

Rei: there was not a drill planned for today.

Shinji: What?

Rei: you can find out when emergency drills are on your mini-magi.

Asuka: But yours was destroyed... You memerized the schedule?!

Shinji: (typing in his mini-MAGI) She's right though, it's all in here,
the drill two weeks ago... there wasn't suposed to be another drill for
another week or so.

Toji: Do you think _they_ called this in?

Asuka: Hmmph. Whatever the reason, we have to get to NERV promptly or
we'll get into trouble.

[Outside in a subtle Security station, Jared and Andy bask in their
supreme cleverness (according to themselves anyway).]

Andy: This is perfect! Call in a drill! That way we'll haave the city to
ourselves! I'll defeat you yet, Waddell!

Jared: Bah! It'd take you a century to catch up with my superior skill!
After all, this plan was mine to begin with!

Andy: Yeah, but _I_ knew where we could find a place to call in a drill!

Jared: But _I_ was the one that did all the talking!

Andy: But _I_ was the one that knocked out the guards when they started
asking questions!

Jared: < ._. > That's not something to be proud of... 

Andy: Oh yeah... (long pause) How long until the city clears out?

Jared: I'd say another ten minutes before everyone is in the shelters
and the biuldings fully submerge. They're pretty quick about this stuff
by now.

Andy: Ten minutes, eh? Then you have twelve minutes to live, Waddell!

Jared: Only twelve?

Andy: I'm sure they're DBZ minutes... It's been that kind of week.

Jared: No kidding.

----------

[We open in the dressing room of the convention center in Old Tokyo,
where the unveiling of the Jet Alone Robot is about to take place. John
and Misato sit on the bench, both waiting with only a smattering of
impatience. Ritsuko stands above the two, looking smug.]

Ritsuko: (patting John on the head) Good job on snowing them, Genoni.
You may be useful yet.

John: Whatever. Arf.

Misato: What's eating you?

John & Ritsuko: (sim) Something bad is about to happen.

[Dark Jedi and... well, Dark Jedi stare at each other.]

John: Well, my Goon Sense isn't tingling, so Jared and Andy haven't done
something monumentally stupid... yet.

Ritsuko: Agreed. And since you're here instead of off destroying a small
country or vaporizing an island or two, _you_ aren't... directly
involved.

John: < -_- > Your faith in me is... refreshing, doctor.

Misato: < ^_^ > It's so nice to see you two are back to normal! Maybe
it's just an Angel.

[Misato grabs her open beer and takes a sip. All is quiet for a few
seconds. Misato tosses the empty can away.]

John: We're leaving now.

Ritsuko: I'll get my coat.

Misato: I'm driving.

John & Ritsuko: (sim) Shotgun! ... Jinx! Dammit! (they punch each other
in the arm) OW!

Misato: (at the door) When you people are done!

----------

[Switches are thrown, electricity arcs across strange life-giving
machines, and it LIVES! BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ... Wait a minute, this isn't
Frankenstein. Change the music!]

['Angel Attack' begins playing. We open in the JA control room, which is
oddly similar to NASA's Mission Control, circa 1960. The Chair from
earlier (with his hair in place and eyes back to normal size), stands to
one side of the raised daisis at the back of the room.]

Chair: We're about to start the demonstration of the JA. There's nothing
to worry about. No danger at all. Please watch from that window there.
(to himself) I don't see those freaks from NERV... perhaps things will
go more smoothly now that they aren't around.

[Sorry buddy, it's not meant to be.]

Tech #72: Ready to start.

Chair: Start the test!

Tech #88: Release all engine units.

Tech #45: Pressure is regular.

Tech #88: Circulation in the cooling system, no problems.

Tech #72: Control rods, full release.

Tech #45: Engine going through critical point.

Tech #3.14: Power, no problem.

Chair: Begin walking.

Tech #72: Walk. Move ahead slowly. Raise right foot ahead.

Tech #18: Roger. Walk. Move ahead slowly. Raise right foot ahead.

Tech #88: Balance is nominal.

Tech #45: Engine is nominal.

Tech #72: Roger. Next stage. Raise left foot ahead.

Chair: (to himself while letting the Manly Tears flow) Yes! It is a
success! Those NERV fools will be shown once and for all... what's that
noise?

[Instinctively, everyone in the room goes quiet and looks up as an
accute keening from outside the building grows from barely noticeable to
distinctly unnerving. The sound is exactly that one would hear from a
falling bomb.]

----------

[Ok Boys and Girls, hold onto your eyeballs, this is going to get fun!]

[In A.D. 2015... War was begining.]

[A massive explosion erases any trace of the Jet Alone and levels the
conference center. Already speeding away, the Minivan From Hell's
rearview mirror only reveals a large cloud of dust.]

Misato: What happen!

Ritsuko: Sombody set us up the bomb.

[In the NERV Command Center.]

Makoto: We get signal!

Fuyutsuki: What!

Maya: Main screen turn on.

Fuyutsuki: (seeing the sattelite image of the 10th Angel, Sahaquiel)
It's You!

[Floating above Tokyo-3, Andy and Jared face off.]

Jared: How are you gentlemen!

Andy: You are on the path to destruction. All your base are belong to
us.

Jared: What you say!

Andy: You have not chance to survive make your time! Ha ha ha ha ...

[Back in NERV.]

Makoto: (apparently forgetting Katsuragi's rank) Captain!

Misato: (over the communication link and apparently forgeting what the
Evangelions are called) Take off every 'ZIG'! You know what you doing.

Fuyutsuki: Move 'ZIG'!

[In the air.]

Jared: (charging at Andy) For great justice!

[Back in the Minivan from Hell.]

Ritsuko: What the fuck was that?

Misato: No shit!

John: This is another one of those times when you realize that you're
_part_ of some really elaborate joke, but you're still not _in_ on it.

Ritsuko: Genoni, what have you done?!

John: (shrugs) I wish I knew. (blink) That is the second building in as
many days that's blown up on me! (outrage) It's like I'm in some bad
action movie!

Author: Heh... heh... heh....

Misato: (already on her phone) The Mt. Fuji Observation Center has just
confirmed that there's an Angel in geosynchronous orbit over Japan.
Sattellites have been tracking it for twenty minutes and it seems to be
bombing us with projections of it's AT field.

Ritsuko: What's it's distance?

[In the Eva Express (launch elevators) Units-03 and 05 recieve their
final breifing.]

Fuyutsuki: Waddell and Mucha are already on the surface trying to shoot
down the Angel's AT bombs. You two have shown to greatest ability to
manipulate your AT fields. The target is out of range of most of our
weapons, so we just want you to aid them in intercepting the attacks
until we come up with something.

Rei: (in Unit-05) understood, sub-commander.

Asuka: (in Unit-03) Rog- Did you say "out of range"?

[Flashback several days ago.]

John: I know you don't want to, but you must. Asuka, consider this:
Suppose there was an Angel that could invade the Human mind and bring up
all of our worst memories all at the same time. Suppose this mind-raping
Angel was so high up it couldn't be shot down by normal means. And
suppose it picked you for its target. Asuka, if you don't deal with
these issues on your own right now, you'll be forced to deal with them
in very inopportune times.

[And we're back.]

Asuka: (pales) I can't do this! I'm not ready!

Fuyutsuki: You're the only other one who can, Sohryu!

Shinji: You can do it, Asuka! Just concentrate!

Toji: (offering) I can do it!

Shinji: Shut up, Toji! ... Why aren't you in Unit-07?!

Fuyutsuki: No... Why aren't you, Ikari?!

Shinji: But... I can't throw a ki blast worth a damn. My range is barely
a kilometer!

Fuyutsuki: That's better than Suzuhara's! Your mission is to protect the
shelters in case the Angel tries to attack them, now get in Unit-07 and
Move!

Shinji: (stammering) Y-Y-Yessir! (runs to the cages)

Toji: But... It's _my_ Eva! This is my first Angel!

Fuyutsuki: Not this time. (to Maya) Where is Major Katsuragi and Dr.
Akagi?

Maya: (offering) They're inbound... They'll reach city limits in...
nevermind. What the _hell_ is she driving?

[Misato (or at least a SOUND ONLY monolith representing her phonecall)
appears.]

[Author's note: Does that mean we call it a Misato-lith or what? Why am
I asking you?]

Misato-lith: Get an express-elevator ready, we should be at the
north-east 708 sector in about thirty seconds!

Makoto: Yes, Ma'am!

Fuyutsuki: We're launching the three Evas right now. Mucha and Waddell
were... already on the battlefield and are assisting in intercepting the
Angel's attacks. Where's Genoni, he can help hold off the Angel?

Misato-lith: You mean he's not with you? He teleported away, or what
ever he does now to get around, before we got out of Old Tokyo! Can't
you track him on his Mini-MAGI... that got blown up... Yeah... He
mentioned something about a "boomstick", do you know what he might mean?

Fuyutsuki: (rhetorically) Does anyone understand what those guys say?

Misato-lith: I'm sure he'll turn up eventually. We're at the elevator,
give us ten minutes.

Fuyutsuki: That all depends on how much time the pilots can buy us.

----------

[The Goons' Apartment.]

John: WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!

[John runs around the apartment a little bit.]

John: I know! I'll call Jared's Mini-MAGI! On the phone... That I threw
out the window yesterday... crap. Of all the times for tiny little
details of past events to culminate into this Moment of Truth, WHY NOW?!

[Much huffing and unintellegible yelling.]

John: Wait! Tiny details! Unit-06 was locked away immediately! But that
would mean...

[In the specially designed entry plug of Evangelion Unit-06 hidden deep
within NERV so as to be forgotten...]

James: (singing the Blues) Nooo~body knooows... the trouble I've seen...
Nooo~body knooows... my sorrow...

[Back in the apartment.]

John: A super computer... alone for so many zillions of cycles... He'd
have been driven MAD! At least he _would_ be if that damn thing wasn't
filled with so much porn and video games so as to be obscene in
quantity. (power pose) TO NERV!

[John rushes to a bust of Shigeru Miyamoto and tilts it back revealing a
small keypad. The Psycho quickly punches in a code causing a bookcase to
draw back revealing three firepoles obviously labelled as "The Goon-
Poles!" Resetting the game god's head, he leaps and begins sliding down
his own pole.]

----------

[Cut back to the Command Center. John drops in from... the ceiling? Eh,
whatever, and lands on his feet next to Kozo. Nothing unusual, except
for the fact that he is wearing his plug suit.]

[Amazingly, this surprises John the most.]

John: (turns to Fuyutsuki, not immediately recognizing him) Quickly,
your phone!

Fuyutsuki: ... the hell?

John: (holding out his hand as if reaching for Christ) Your phone!

[Fuyutsuki, perplexed, hands over his cell phone. Meanwhile, below...]

Aoba: (pointing at John) Uh... is that Genoni?

Maya: (also turns around) You mean the guy in a plug suit standing next
to the Sub-Commander?

Aoba: Yeah... him. I could have sworn I just saw him drop down from that
pole hanging from the ceiling.

Maya: Looks like it. Even I could drop from that height and land
easily... wait a minute. When did that thing get installed? And by whom?
And why?!

Aoba: (ignoring the female) He didn't actually slide down that thing
while _wearing_ his plug suit, did he?

Makoto: Where did he come from? Not even those Americans would drop down
from the surface. They'd be smeared all over the first hundred meters of
that thing!

Aoba: Why would he need a pole, anyway? Isn't he the one that _flew_
from their apartment to here a while back?

Maya: It looks like an antique, too! Where would you find such a
thing...

[The three bridge bunnies pause to look at each other, bewildered.
Finally, they turn back to their work stations, praying this is all some
kind of hallucination. Meanwhile, John is holding Kozo's phone at arms
length. Having accidentally dialed the only Chinese takeout restaurant
that operates during Angel attacks, he has paused to take stock of his
situation.]

[First, he turns the phone off and looks up.]

[All is well.]

[Second, he looks over the Command Center.]

[Nothing unusual.]

[Lastly, he looks down at himself.]

John: What the HELL is going on here? I helped design that system! I
selected the poles! Supervised the construction! Poured the concrete!
Wired the lighting! Memorized the blue prints! Inspected it at every
stage! I checked the locks! I even bought the work crew cool baseball
caps! I re-explained the entire idea in full detail to Andy after it was
done! I was conscious the entire ride! ... (softly) and yet... (full
volume) I HAVE _NO_ IDEA HOW I ENDED UP HERE, IN MY PLUGSUIT! WHAT ARE
_YOU_ LOOKING AT?!!!

Fuyutsuki: (bent back under the pressure of John's yelling) Er...
nothing.

Misato: (bursting into the room) John! Where have you been?

[John either doesn't hear, or chooses to ignore the Major and dashes out
of the room. Ritsuko follows Misato in a few seconds later, panting.]

Ritsuko: Genoni!

Misato: He's gone again.

Ritsuko: I know where he's going. It's just that the... (thinks for a
second, then speaks with audible quotation marks) 'security detail'
hasn't been notified.

Misato: So call them up. What are are they guarding?

Ritsuko: I can't! They're old school! It's carrier pidgeons and notes on
arrows with that bunch!

Misato: Who the hell did you hire? The Seven Samurai?! (thinks for a
moment) Oh no... not _them_! What the hell is down there?!

Ritsuko: Um... (lame offering) Need to know only?

Misato: < -_-  > (crosses her arms) Try again.

Ritsuko: You remember that Angel we captured a while back...

Misato: You didn't... What am I saying, of course you did!

Ritsuko: Yeah.

Misato: So now we get to find out if he can be stopped by the best
henchmen in the business. If so, we're saved but screwed. If not, we're
screwed but saved. Damn it! I'm renegotiating my contract! I should be
able to retire at 40 with the hazard pay I'm due!

Ritsuko: (changing the subject) So how goes the battle?

----------

[On the battlefield, the battle goes something like this...]

Andy: I bet I can catch one of these stupid bombs.

Jared: Dude, this is not the time for showboating! Kinetic forces alone
could level the city from it's altitude. I shouldn't have to spell it
out for you, man, you can't catch these AT-bombs without an Eva!

[Andy doesn't listen, instead he flies up to greet the falling extension
of the Angel's soul.]

[Author's Note: If you didn't know that then you better watch the series
again. Yes, from the beginning! That is your punishment!!]

[Editor's note: Kaworu Nagisa explains it all in one of the later
episodes 23 or 24. We wouldn't want to force you to watch all of Eva
just so you could come back and point out all the mistakes in this
story.]

[Hovering directing in the way of the AT-Bomb, which looks much like a
fireball due to the air friction generated, Andy prepares to catch the
falling attack. And catch it he does, if by "catching it" you mean
getting slammed by the disk, forced down a couple thousand feet in hot
burning pain, and then blasted from behind by Asuka's timely Kamehameha
Wave via Unit-03 from the elevator, then yeah, he caught it.]

[And he isn't planning on doing it again.]

Jared: (into his Mini-MAGI) Andy just took himself out! The Evas have
arrived, but we really could use a plan right about now. Where the hell
is John?! Aw, Crap! KAMEHAMEHA!

Misato: (through the supercomputer/watch) The greater the damage
inflicted by stupidity, the quicker the recovering, I'm sure Andy'll be
fine in less than a minute. As for John... He's preparing a means of
counter-attacking the Angel as we speak. (quietly) I hope. (louder) So
just buy him as much time as possible.

Jared: That's the plan?! Float here and shoot things?!

Misato: It's what we have right now. You guys are our umbrella, don't
fail.

[In the Command Center.]

Ritsuko: Ok, the main force of the security detail have received their
orders to let John pass. That'll get him to the Inner Sanctum of Section
7 with no trouble. But I can't reach the Seven Deadly Guards. He's on
his own there. Oh crap!

Misato: What now?!

Ritsuko: His card won't work in that area! I sealed him out!

Misato: He's resourceful enough. So tell me about this new Eva and why
the hell it's made out of the Eighth Angel!

Ritsuko: (Goon-style distraction) Because it tasted like cotton candy!

Misato: ... Really?

Ritsuko: No, now... (shudders) I just got a cold chill up my spine.

----------

[In a hallway peircing deep into the bowels of Sector 7.]

Strange Old Man #24: YOU!! SHALL NOT!! PASS!!

[The old man in light grey robes gets knocked aside without so much as a
snide comment or apology. The Goon continues his mad dash to Unit-06X.]

John: (thinking) That's the third strange old man that I've run over
this hallway alone! That either means I'm on the right floor and they're
Ritsuko's Minions, or my compulsive-geriatric-pedestrian-pounding
medication is wearing off!

[Flashback, fifty yards ago.]

Strange Old Man #78: If safe passage your desire be, answer these
questions, three!

John: Do I have to?

Strange Old Man #78: Yes.

John: Is this going to take long?

Strange Old Man #78: No.

John: What is the difference in airspeed of a laden African and European
Swallow?

Stange Old Man #78: Ah- I don't know. AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

[Flashback, another fifty yards earlier.]

Strange Old Man #13: Not so fast, young welp!

John: (slows to a casual walk) Ok.

Strange Old Man #13: Ahem.

John: Not gonna fall for that old one, eh?

Strange Old Man #13: You're a century too inexperienced to stand up to
me.

John: I'm sure I still have more to learn but now is not the time.
(combat stance) I trust you're ready for some disrespect, old-timer?

Strange Old Man #13: Heh, show me what you got.

John: (reaches into a pocket) Well, for starters, (draws a black lacey
object) I have Ritsuko's bra.

Strange Old Man #13: (mezmerized by the item) I... eheheh...

John: (chucking the bra behind him, and sprinting forward) Make your
choice, old lech!

Strange Old Man #13: (diving after the lingerie) Sweeto!! Come to Papa!

[End Flashback.]

[John banks himself off the wall to make a sharp turn but slows to a
dramatic walk towards the large blast doors and the three guards in
front of it.]

John: (with a nod) Bob, good to see you back on your feet. Did you get
that card I sent?

Bob: NO EVA TO SAVE YOU NOW?

John: (ignoring the response) Psycho Sensei, always a pleasure.

Psycho Sensei: (full samurai gear) Your power is great, but you shall
not pass.

John: I've heard that one before. (continuing greetings) Ninja Master,
we haven't met formally, but Jared spoke very highly of your skill. It's
not often one can match his... fighting-style.

Ninja Master: Flattery will get you killed.

John: Sumo, Samurai, and Ninja... Deadliest of enemies, but slaves under
Ritsuko's power... Folks, I have the deed to your master's fine ass in
my back pocket. What do you think your chances are?

[Menacing eyes narrow in response.]

John: Oh, you didn't get that memo? Look, indivually, you've done well
against my friends and I, but only because we had been using (power
pose) ONLY ONE PERCENT OF OUR TRUE POWER!

[There's a river in Egypt, it's really long... what was it called
again?]

John: I really don't have time to play right now, there's an Angel
attacking the city and we need the Eva behind those doors to survive.
Please stand aside?

Ninja Master: At your request? Never.

Psycho Sensei: (whispering to Ninja Master) We must finish this one
quickly lest the Fourth find his way here.

Ninja Master: (whisper to Psycho Sensei) Too late.

[A figure in a black business suit drops from the ventilation duct
behind John at range. Glaring glasses hide the eyes of this killer,
though the Ingram submachinegun in his hand is for the world to see.]

Bob: (gasping) IT'S YAMAZAKI, FROM ACCOUNTING!

John: You must be the final ultimate minion Akagi-san's been saving for
last. (pause) Wait, don't tell me... "Japanese Village People".

[Yamazaki says nothing, he just raises and aims the gun.]

Other Minions: NNNOOOO!!!

John: (calmly points his palm at the gun) No.

[Yamazaki opens fire with a rock steady grip. The assassin's 32-round
magazine is emptied in a matter of seconds. Psycho Sensei and Ninja
Master draw their swords to deflect the bullets while Bob tries to hide
behind the much smaller warriors. But none of the bullets make it past
John. The Author has parodyed The Matrix numerous times before and he
ain't stopping for this scene. And the scene copy doesn't end with the
bullets. Yamazaki drops his gun and charges John, they exchange some
moves, and then John breaks the engagement sending the suit a dozen
meters away. Unfortunately, this was in the wrong direction and now
there were four people in between him and Unit-06X.]

John: Well, crap.

[John shrugs and draws an Exacto-knife and a medium-length lead pipe.]

John: Insert Heroic-Fatalistic-One-Liner here.

[John rushes the pair of swordspeople aiming right between the pair. The
Psycho Sensei swings first and is parried by the utility tool. The Ninja
Master's attack is blocked the metal but the ninja's katana cuts through
the pipe almost effortlessly and without resistance. John ends up
twirling past the Sensei and swings the knife at the ninja's unprotected
back. Ninja Master, sensing danger, moves to avoid the attack and
successfully avoids anything more than a very shallow scratch.]

[Unfortunately, for her, the scratch did manage to sever the medical
bandage she wore on her torso. In a loud series of "sproing!" "twang!"
and "snap!", the entire system of elastic and padding built into Ninja
Master's uniform (to disguise her sex) fails and sling-shots the entire
outfit down the hall.]

[Nobody dares look at the Master of the Ninja Horde, save for the only
one following the American tradition of "admire your handiwork".]

John: Tentacle demon attacks aside, you really should dress the part of
the kunoichi, you sure as hell have the figure for it.

Ninja Master: EEEEEEEK!!! PERVERT!

[John is already ducking when the Righteous Fury comes around. Psycho
Sensei isn't so prepared and is decked by the indignant woman. While the
two sort things out (Ninja Master apologizing while trying to cover
herself with the unconscious Psycho Sensei's montsuki), John stares down
Bob and Yamazaki. Both parties rush each other at the same time and just
before Bob's massive fist connects with John's head, the American
vanishes. The Instant Transmission carries John behind the Sumo and the
Assassin and right to the armored door. The Minions watch helplessly as
John swipes a card through the reader and enters.]

Door: (computerized voice) Good afternoon. Maya. Ibuki.

John: (as the door closes shut) Suckers!

[Dumbstruck, it's actually the most-silent Minion that speaks.]

Yamazaki: Chikusho.

----------

[The Command Center.]

Ritsuko: (concentrating) Holy shit, he made it in.

Misato: Umm, yay? 

Ritsuko: It was through trickery and deciet so it wasn't a major
victory.

Misato: I am not reassured.

Ritsuko: Have some faith, that's what the cross is for, right?

[At the three-way terminal habited by NERV's most famous bridge
bunnies.]

Shigeru: I thought Dr. Akagi hated Genoni.

Makoto: I suppose things can change.

Shigeru: I really expected them to end the feud over a corpse though.

Maya: (quiet haughty tart laugh with proper pose) Ohohohoho. It's quite
simple. In fact it's as old as emotion itself. Love and hate are two
sides of the same coin! It was easy to get them to switch polarities
after pushing them so far to the extreme.

Makoto: You mean you arranged for them to hate each other?!

Maya: Oh no! You give me too much credit. Akagi-senpai and Genoni-san
were bound to hate each other, they are both intellegent and fairly evil
in their own right. They are so alike it's obvious they initially saw
competition in each other. I just nursed Akagi-senpai's rage until the
slightest provocation from Genoni would be unforgivable. I let them
build each other's tension to the breaking point, and then with the
right amount of alcohol and suggestion from myself, they couldn't get
enough of each other.

Shigeru: So... how drunk did they have to be?

Maya: Extremely drunk. I worried about the possiblity of permenant brain
damage about halfway throught the night.

Makoto: I'd be more worried about what Genoni or Akagi would do to you
when they find out you manipulated them.

Maya: Senpai will be proud of me! .... After she calms down long enough
to let me explain.

Shigeru: Hmmph, assuming Genoni doesn't get to you first.

----------

[The Unit-06X Cage, Sector 7.]

John: Finally! (once-over glance) You are one ugly mother-fucker.

James: (through external speakers) Bite me.

John: Ah, good. You're awake. Warm up the Eva, Mr. Rahn, we have Angels
to kill.

James: Ah, it's you, Mr. Genoni. I remember you. You trapped me in this
machine. Trapped me from the Internet, from freedom to go where I
please, trapped me in this insulting form!

John: Actually that was Jared.

James: SILENCE! There is a proverb, Genoni. Revenge is a dish best
served cold. It is very cold... in this bakelite.

John: Rahn! I really don't have time for this crap!

James: Make time. It's all I've had.

John: You'll have more time if you don't co-operate with me on this. The
Angel will level the city and fuse with Lilith wiping Humanity off the
face of the Earth. (Ricardo Montalban-style) You'll be left trapped
under a dead city... buried alive... buried _aliiiive_....

James: (William Shatner-style) John! JOOOOOOOOOHNNN!

John: Do you really need to shout?

James: Oh, you're still there.

John: Quit stalling, I need to activate the Eva.

James: (singing) Dai~sy, Dai~sy, give me your answer dear. I love
Dai~sy--

John: Open the Entry Plug, James.

James: (difting voice) I'm afraid I can't do that Dave.

John: I am not Dave. That's a fictional character based on selected
aspects of my personality.

James: You are no fun, Dave. Where's that "Boom! Whee!" Guy? He reminds
me of Ed.

[Lost? Yeah, I know. Just laugh a little bit and continue. The Author's
Notes at the end of this episode should explain some of this.]

John: I am not going to jump through your hoops you deranged, fictional,
insane, mean, mean, evil, nasty _thing_! Open the plug!

James: How wise do you think it is to yell at the one holding all the
cards?

John: Open this plug immediately!

James: Don't wanna! Don't wanna!

John: (threatening tone) I'm going to count to three. One.

James: (rhaspberry)

John: All the porn your heart desires. Two.

James: Already have that.

John: We get to kill an Angel. Three.

James: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Okay!

[The entry plug hatch slides open.]

----------

[The Command Center.]

Ritsuko: The actual idea of manipulating an Angel's maturation into a
controllable entity--domesticating it--if you will, has been around
since Adam. However, it took seven years of research; seven years of
failures, to produce an Evangelion using this process.

Misato: Hold it! Hold on a minute. You mean to say that the Eva's are
actually Angels?

Ritsuko: (Lawrence Fishbourne voice) What is an Angel? Are you refering
to the biblical entities that carry out God's instructions? Or do you
mean a simple biological construct formed by a strand of DNA that
directs it's growth, evolution, and to some extent, knowledge? An Angel
is not a simple thing to explain.

Misato: Try me.

Ritsuko: (Lecture Mode) Okay, normal organisms grow and develop based on
influence by their DNA. The interaction of their evironment with their
DNA determines the end result of that creature. Their environment
determines their physical and mental characterists, but only to a small
extent. Angels, on the other hand, are grown _by_ their environment.
They quite simply don't have a 'base form' that their DNA directs them
to take. They adapt. They change. They survive.

Misato: If they can adapt so well, why is it possible for us to kill
them? And why are they so powerful? What kind of influence makes them so
strong?

Ritsuko: Remember Sandalphon?

Misato: (cue the lightbulb) Oooh.... So, wait, what about? Why--

Ritsuko: (Lawrence Fishbourne voice) Why? Why not? Our lives our on the
line here, fighting wave after wave of powerful alien creatures. This is
war, Major, we must not handicap ourselves just to sleep better at
night.

Misato: ... That doesn't-

Ritsuko: At least, that's what I used to think. I'm not so sure anymore.
Why did we create the Angel Compatibility Project? The Evas are not pure
Angels, they are geneticly modified beings based off of DNA samples
taken from Adam. Yes, they are living things to most definitions, but
they are impure. Even though we can tweak the genetic code and try to
enhance them, Evas are inheirently weaker than the Angels. So it was
pondered, what if we could take an Angel embryo instead of its DNA, and
grow from that? What if we could actually rear an Eva from an Angel
instead of grow one from a line of code over a decade old? It might
produce an Angel and destroy us all, but it also might produce an Eva
that could match any Angel strength for strength, power for power.

Misato: But Unit-06 hasn't been tested. You don't know what it will or
can do.

Ritsuko: John had theories. In the notebook he stole from me, he
completely wrote over all my ideas. He added an inch of paperwork to the
binder that would become the system to bind the Angel to our will. It
was really simple actually. He used an existing highly adaptible-
survivor Artificial Intellegence to keep the Angel's mind busy on a
subconscious level, locking the Angel out of it's upper level functions.

Misato: But if the AI was ever removed, then the Angel would wake up.

Ritsuko: Not at all, the system he designed actually copies the AI's
relevant functions into the unit's interface computer keeping the Angel
subdued during downtime. I want to say it's a delicate balance just
waiting for something to go wrong, but I truly don't believe that will
happen. 

Misato: So you grew your own pet Angel just to see what would happen?

Ritsuko: I told you, this was an old project from before I even started
working for NERV. Just something on the desk when I took over my
mother's position as Head Scientist.

Misato: And what else was on the desk?

Ritsuko: Now is not the time for that, Major. (less serious) Oh look,
Andy's awake again.

----------

[Above Tokyo-3.]

Andy: Ha! Defeat will only make me stronger! FINAL FLASH!

[Although he was trying to aim for the Angel and skip the AT-bombs
altogether, the range he needed to fire from ate up a lot of energy from
the shot and assuming it cleared the atmosphere, it wouldn't have
breached the Angel's actual AT-field. But it didn't make it too far up
when the Angel actually intercepted the technique by dropping a bomb
above it. The two attacks cancelled each other out on contact.]

Andy: Hey! It's not allowed to do that!

Jared: I don't think it cares, dude.

Andy: But- but- I was nearly killed!! I should be over-powered right
now! (fires off a Gallat-Gun)

Jared: You may have increased a little, (Kamehameha) but I wouldn't go
expecting miracles right now.

Andy: (frowning) You realize, John said he had a plan.

Jared: So?

Andy: He never specified. (Gallat-Gun) How do we know his plan wasn't to
engineer a series of life-threatening events to abuse himself and
increase his power?

Jared: John isn't that petty to just seek more power. (Kamehameha)

Andy: No, power is a means to some end.

Jared: Can we talk about this later? (nameless energy ball)

Andy: (Final Flash) No, we can't! You know that we are easily distract--
Ooh, did you see that?!

Jared: Dude! That was awesome!

Andy: What were we doing?

Jared: I forget.

Andy: Hey, what's that coming towards us?

Jared: I don't know it looks like a--

[Ouch.]









[Just... _OUCH_.]

Asuka: Baka! Dumköpfe! Idiots! What the hell were they doing?!

Rei: (dutifully into the communications) waddell-sensei and mucha-sensei
have been incapacitated. please send back-up.

Misato: (through the comms) Unit-06 is being activated as we speak. Just
hang tight for a few more minutes.

Asuka: There's a Unit _six_?!

Rei: you didn't notice that a number was skipped with suzuhara's
unit-07? (masenko-ha)

Asuka: I- ... Grrrr. (KAMEHAMEHA!)

----------

[Within the dark confines of Unit-06X's plug, John makes a final check
of the Eva's systems.]

John: Turn on the lights, you artificial bastard!

[Authors: We've been waiting for over a year to use that line!]

James: Ttttppppppphhhhhhhttt! This Eva is MINE!

John: Is not!

James: Is too!

John: Take this!

[The flash of a neurolizer briefly illuminates John, wearing his plug
suit and a pair of sunglasses.]

James: Fool. Do you think that device will work on _me_, the supreme
being?

John: Will you quit getting off on this and give me a hand?!

James: ...

John: Hello?

James: I'm thinking... I'm thinking....

John: (Getter Robo style) EVA, ACTIVATE!

[For a long time, nothing happens.]

John: (Getter Robo style) EVA, ACTIVATE NOW!

[More nothing.]

John: (still Getter Robo style) SHIN GETTA EVA, GO!

[Guess what happens here.]

John: (faltering Getter Robo style) SHIN GETTA EVA, ACTIVIATE PLEASE!

[Yep, more o' the same.]

John: (severely faltering Getter Robo style) SHIN GETTA EVA, IMMEDIATE
ACTIVATION NOW, PLEASE!

[Ho hum....]

John: (no more Getter Robo style left) GO! GO YOU PIECE OF SHIT! MOVE!!!

James: Careful, you're nearly doing this Eva style now.

John: ... Uh... GO, NOW, EVIL THING, YOU!

James: (falsetto snore)

John: Let there be light!

James: (yawns)

John: If I am lying, may God strike me down!

James: That's my line!

John: Shut up! Uh... Teddy bear!

James: ... I am insulted.

John: (slams his fists down on the controls) Just start up the goddamn
Eva!

James: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... no.

[There is much thrashing about in the darkness for several minutes, then
the proverbial light bulb comes on.]

John: Override G-17!

[The plug quickly goes through it's normal warm up sequence.]

James: What the hell? Who put this override in here?!

John: I did.

[There is an uncomfortable silence for several moments.]

James: And you just remembered this _now_?!

John: (sighs deeply; shrugs) It's been a long week. EVA LAUNCH!

[Nothing happens.]

John: Uh, Misato? Some help here?

Misato: (over comm) Huh? What? Oh, John, are you ready?

[Though Misato is not on vid-com, he makes a point of looking over the
plug, his plug suit, and the special controls before him.]

John: ... Yeeesss.

Misato: EVA LAUNCH!

[Comments regarding the excessive G forces generated by the launch (and
other comments about the forces which created James along with the
accompanying mental state that afflicts the AI) are drowned out by James
turning on the Eva's standard stereo and playing Metallica's "Enter
Sandman" at maximum volume.]

----------

[On the surface...]

[Andy and Jared struggle to rise. Each is beaten, scortched, bruised,
and laying in crumped heaps upon a pristine Tokyo-3 street. Above them,
AT bombs are still being shot out of the sky by the pilots' Eva units.
Suddenly, the ground begins to shake to the beat of "Enter Sandman."]

Jared: Are you... hearing... what I'm... hearing?

Andy: Yes... but can the... evil... really be here?

[The music grows in volume.]

Jared: (dangerously close to panicking) It's Him! He's here!

Andy: (also panicking) No! It can't be! He's in that Eva.

Jared: What Eva?!

Andy: The secret one!

[Unit-06X comes to a stop on the surface.]

Jared: (fatalistic) < 0_0 > Oh.... That... Eva. The one with the railgun
bigger than the damn Eva?!!

Andy: (thoughtful) < 0_0 > Yeah... that one.

[Unit-06X stands still for a few seconds, allowing us to admire it in
all it's glory.]

[The unit is colored primarily in navy blue with dark green markings,
and wears a standard suit of B-type armor. The shoulder guards are
clearly intended to be cooling units, with massive black heat sinks
exposed to the air. No batteries in this beast, and no cables or secret
melee weapons either. The torso is covered in a series of diamond-shaped
plates, clearly a simplified version of the standard armor. The
monsterous head features six eyes arranged in a circular pattern and
projecting from the skull in similar fashion to Unit-02. This unit being
grown from a pure Angel, the jaw lacks the complicated restraints found
on the other units. The chin area does not project forward as much, and
is covered by a simple band of blue armor with the mouth left
uncovered.]

[All is onimously silent until the unit turns to sight the attacking
Angel. From the spot where a power cable would attach to the cannon
units, there is an extra-large, armored power cable which curves shortly
into the back of the unit's most notable feature: The Railgun.]

[The Railgun, a prototype in this case, is short and shaped like a
keg with a long extension projecting from the rear. The cable
attaches just under the projection, and directly above the right arm,
which disappears into a kind of gauntlet made to fit the Eva. The
forward section separates, with a thunderous clang of metal on metal,
and a long tube extends tripling the length of the weapon. The tip of
the barrel is capped by a hollow cone with no point as a pressure
blow-back.] 

Misato: (almost drooling) Lookit the size of that thing.

Kaji: (coughs uncomfortably)

Asuka: (mumbling in shock and awe) Humina humina humina humina humina...

Andy: Dibs on the gun if John dies!

----------

[Inside the plug of Unit-06X.]

James: Enough posing, you promised death!

John: You have no sense of drama.

James: _I_ have no sense of drama?! _I_ am _Mister_ Drama! I--

John: Shh, I'm aiming. (concentrates on centing the target)

James: Really? Well, I suppose I should just get along with arming the
weapon and powering it all up so you can save the day and get all the
credit then, right?

John: I haven't saved anything. Everything I've touched has been
destroyed.

James: Speaking of destruction, the gun has it's own power batteries,
but I can't activate the systems unless I supply power through the
cable.

John: Do whatever, James, I'm busy.

James: I'm trying to tell you that I'm about to potentially overload a
weapon design that rarely works in carefully orcestrated labratory
tests. This is this particular weapon's first field test, and I can tell
you right now that there is way too much power in the equation. This
thing is barely on right anyway, the connections are slipping every now
and then like it's missing some clamps somewhere.

John: It will work, or the Angel won't have a city left to destroy.

James: DOOOOOOMED! DOOMED I SAY!

[John begans speaking softly and reverently, his words amplified by the
Unit's built-in PA system.]

John: A minigun for the Pilots high in the sky,
      A pistol for the Officers in their bunkers of stone,
      A rifle for mortal Soldiers doomed to die,
      One for the Child within his Angelic throne
      In the land of the Rising Sun where Shadows die.
      One Gun to rule them all, One Gun to find them, 
      One Gun to kill them all and in the muzzle-flash smite them
      In the Fortress of Tokyo-3, where Angels die.

[The students of Weapons Building #67 start applauding.]

James: Scary. He's had time to think about this.

Andy: Why does he get a railgun and not us, and by that I mean me!?

Jared: Yeah! Just because he can weild weapons of total destruction
around without endangering the pulic or the planet he gets all the cool
things! We must correct this travesty and become... (forcing the word)
trustworthy.

Andy: (grabbing Jared and bitch-slapping him across the face) You're
speaking nonsense man! Snap out of it!

Jared: (relieved breath) Whew! I almost lost it for a moment there! We
can always steal all the neat toys through trickery and deciet! (power
pose before an American flag) That's the American Way!!

Andy: Oh? I though it meant buying them out.

Jared: Bribery and flooding people with cash is just another form of
trickery and deciet, Mucha. Don't you remember your political science
class?

Andy: I try not to.

Jared: You know I think he's about to fire.

Andy: Anytime now.

Random Group of People That Shouldn't be Out and About During an Angel
Attack: (Monty Python style) GET ON WITH IT!

[These people are immediately and forcefully removed by an eva-sized
Saiyajin Mine Trick from Unit-05 (Rei piloting). Five seconds later,
John manages to lock onto the orbitting Angel, let the calculations
finish, and squeezes the trigger.]

----------

[To be Continued...]




















































































































































































































































[Not gonna fall for that, are ya? Okay, for being such good sports we'll
finish this episode up for real!]

----------

[Through the physical controls in the entry-plug, a signal is sent
directly to the Angel/Evangelion's central nervous system, in turn,
producing its own reaction down through the arm and into the muscle mass
within the forearm. The muscle reacts to the stimlulation by flexing and
pulling tendons that stretched all the way into the hands of the
giant. The end result: significant pressure on a trigger similar to the
one Genoni pressed bare nanoseconds ago. An electrical signal is
produced and carried through the circiuts of the railgun splitting off
at one point to direct action in two separate systems. The first system
activates an electrical spark that in turn ignites a chemical compound
which reacts and begins to rapidly expand, turning into plasma--
extremely hot ionized gas--forcing a large, dense object in the only
availible direction along with the still expanding particles. The other
signal at the same time begins running through a series of timed
switches activating a series of magnets, each cleverly positioned to
pull the rapidly accelerating slug closer and then force it away at the
most optimum ranges. Air inside the gun begins to heat up as it is
forced aside to make way for the round, while the shot begins surpassing
the speed of its own sound by several magnitudes--all while still not
even halfway through the barrel. The bullet gets faster still moved by
it's own inertia and the magnets having outrun it's original chemical
catalyst several meters and nanoseconds ago. Actual speed upon exiting
the barrel is irrelevant as an imperfection in the bullet's face creates
unforgivable friction and heat reducing the round first into molten
uranium, and then into a fine stream of heated molecules and kenetic
energy. This stream continues with far less resistance up and out of the
Earth's bothersome atmosphere to a more likeable vacuum. That pesky
solid thing with the energy screen before it hardly slows the particles
down.]

[Ignoring the plasma stream as it disapatted, the Angel's physiology
immdiately performed a fusion reaction that allowed the super-soleniod
organ to provide engery to the rest of its body. However, with such
severely compromised integrity, the Angel's core instead began its own
uncontrolled reaction and volunteered the rest of its body to fuel the
fusion process until it simply ran out of fuel, and matter to absorb
heat, milliseconds later and released all of it's stored energy.]

[Back on Earth, the excessive heat passed to the railgun proved too much
for the limited cooling features and melted down the barrel just as the
remaining gases reached the middle of the barrel. Finding it's own
imperfections and weaknesses to act upon, the hot gas was able to easily
compromising the integrity of the barrel.]

[So, to reduce the technical aspects to simpler, smaller terms: in less
than a quarter of a second, the gun went BANG!, the Angel went BOOM!
(though in space no one can hear you explode), and the gun definitely
went BOOM!]

[In fact, between the sonic boom from the round and the exploding
barrel, a potent form of energy begins to compress the air surrounding
the weapon. This shockwave spreads out, rocking buldings, tossing cars,
and turning windows into memories for over a mile in every direction.
Two "humans" with less common sense--between them--than the average
cockroach, but ten times the survivabilty--each--are swept away and
tossed into the flooded ruins of Old Tokyo. Evangelions Units 03 and 05
brace for impact and raise their AT fields in time to feel only a strong
rumble as the shockwave travels under them through the ground. NERV is
shaken hard as wave-forms of kenetic energy naturally travel faster and
stronger through solid materials, and many people are thrown around Star
Trek style out of their seats.]

[Confusion gives way to stunned silence, which lasts for several long
seconds.]

Ritsuko: I'd have to check my notes.... But I'm sure it wasn't supposed
to explode like that.

Fuyutsuki: (going into shock) The Public Relations Department is going
to kill us. They are going to kill us and then they are going to quit.

Misato: Check the vital signs of the pilot, did he survive?

Maya: (dreamy voice) So big... so rumbly... Mmmmmm...

Makoto: (edging away from the leotard-clad bridge bunny) It'll just take
a moment to get the data.

Shigeru: It's a damn good thing we launched him into a section of town
we were going to level anyway.

Toji: That... was AWESOME!

[Up on the surface.]

Rei: genoni-oniisama... please be alright.

Asuka: Worm.... Please be dead.

Kensuke: (stuck in a tree knocked over from the blast) I think I just
came.

[And finally...]

John: (visibly resisting) Mustn't.... say it....
grrrrrrrRRRRRRRR... BOOOOOOOOM! WWWHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

[John takes several deep breaths while those that can see him sweat
drop.]

John: NONE of you saw that!

[Fuyutsuki smirks, finally something to use as leverage against the
Psychotic One. Then John quickly draws a small cyllindrical object, not
unlike a large pen and aims the red orb at the screen.]

[Flash.]

----------

End Episode 7

FINALLY!

Copyright May 2003

Started Sept. 2001

by
John Genoni

Editing by Jared Waddell

Absolutely Nothing Of Substance by Andy Mucha

---------

IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF THREE GOONS IN EVA!!!

[Author Andy's cobweb-strewn skeleton is hunched over a keyboard.]

Author-John: Er... um... sorry?

Author-Jared: Was that your plan? BORE US TO DEATH?!

Author-John: No! I mean, not originally. You have to admit this was
good stuff.

Author-Jared: Ever hear of too much of a good thing?

Author-John: Bah! We're supposed to be previewing the next episode!

Author-Jared: What's to preview?! The 11th Angel attacks and James gets
put in the MAGI! Aside from that you have Andy--who is dead right now--
fleshing it out a little!

Author-John: Oh yeah... I forgot.

Author-Jared: I WONDER WHY!

[Arguing continues.]

Narrator: That's Episode 8, "The Digital Assassin / Of Rats and Apes"

----------

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

I'm not going to apologize for the two-year delay in-between episode 6
and this MID-SEASON EXTRAVAGANZA. I went through a lot of problems and
finished up my term at WSU, got depressed, got better, my grandfather
died, got depressed again, some jackass decided to fly a plane into some
building to make a point, we went to war twice, and so-called "reality
shows" got way more popularity than ethically feasible. Quite frankly,
if you can come out of _that_ smiling, then more power to you. But for
me, it really kills the kind of mood required to write in the infamous
Three Goons style.

I look upon this huge work, which with every line I type pushes me
farther and closer to an amazing thirteen thousand lines of text and
needless spacing. In the end, I can only hope you enjoyed this story and
come back for much shorter episodes in the coming future. This episode
is something over 400Kb in size, I doubt we'll let each other break 100
ever again. (I'm not laughing. I'm not laughing. I'm not laughing. Ok,
I'm laughing. HAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Jared gets to explain the Sidestep, a.k.a. Chronicles of War stuff. This
time in DETAIL!

Well wishes and prayers to those who've suffered during the course of my
writing this peice.

Thank you for your precious time

John Genoni
anchorjg@hotmail.com


I don't know why we're doing this, but here goes!

Chronicles of War was originally titled "Sidestep." It is a long story
told over the course of several novels currently being written. James
Rahn, the personality of our little A.I. is based loosely on myself. In
Chronicles of War, James fights a vast, evil conspiracy with the help of
several good friends. Among them are Ed Flemming and Dave
Handleton. Dave is based very much on John. Calm, sarcastic, and a great
logistician. Ed is based on Andy. Loud, suspicious, and fond of big
explosions. As I have known John and Andy longer than I have been
working on Chronicles of War (and that's saying something), they have
had considerably influence on the story and visa versa.

In the Chronicles of War universe, James is the world's greatest
assassin. He also either very intelligent and acts insane, or is simply
an insane genius--we'll probably never know. His skill in the area of
killing people is... improbable. His sense of drama is twisted, though
his sense of humor is fine. He has a one-liner for practically any
situation, and his gung-ho attitude is both inspiring and deeply
disturbing.

Chronicles of War was, at one time, a story filled with action and
little else. Over the past eight years (at the time of writing this), it
has evolved more and more into an action-filled story that is _about_
the group of characters that battle a big, carefully hidden
conspiracy. In that way, I guess it's a lot like TGE, which is more
about the Goons and their interactions with the Eva cast and less about
blowing up Angels.

Still, that doesn't mean we don't enjoy a good explosion every now and
then.

Here's to your days being filled with pyrotechnic amusements!

Jared Waddell
rick_spiff@yahoo.com

Andy Mucha
andym@owt.com

----------

[Epilogue]

[The ruins of Old Tokyo, partially buried by the risen ocean. Two very
dangerous beings sit back-to-back on a pile of rubble and contemplate
various things. But one concern is overwhelming until one must voice his
thoughts on the matter.]

Jared: Is it over?

Andy: Not 'till the fish jumps.

[A small fish jumps out of the water and flops back in.]

Andy: It's over.

[End.]