DISCLAIMER: This is going nowhere. We are not plotting to overthrow the government. Huh? What? Oh, we're doing Three Goons now. Well... I had that paper here somewhere... Oh yeah, this has Eva and... stuff in it. Right? Right?! Guys! WARNING: We act like ourselves (pretty much), but we are not, by any means, insane. Urk... must... not... laugh... BUWAHAHAHA!!! BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HA! Hey, I feel better... where was I? Oh yeah, don't try this at home, or while in a mental institution, work place, government office, etc. NOTE: This is a Tag Team self-insertion fan-fiction. One result of this is this little header, which is written by a different person than the one who wrote this chapter, who will write a later chapter that I will have little involvement in besides giving some support to the poor sap while he tries to fix up the wreck I've made of the story line. BUWAHAHAHA!!! I gotta lay off the Dew, I know. ________________________________________________________________________ [The opening scene shows the Goons (those three guys from the last part? You didn't read the last part? What are you doing here?! Get back there and read it!!!) wandering through a deserted yet picturesque area at the fringes Tokyo-3. Everything in the city below looks just as Tokyo in their world would look, if one cleaned up all the trash and washed the buildings and spread everything out and modernized the roads and... Hell, Tokyo isn't even in a valley, is it? In any case, it doesn't look anything like the Tokyo in their world.] [The total absence of human life in the city isn't lost on them either.] Jared: (yelling at John) My fault?!! [Then again...] John: (yelling at Jared) You're holding the remote! Jared: But you were the one insisting we watch Eva. John: (trying to change the subject) So what episode are we in? Andy: (shrugging) I don't know. John: Andy! They were your videos! You were putting in the tapes! Don't you even know which one you put in?! Andy: < o_0 > Um, no, I wasn't really paying attention. [While John searches for a 2x4 to use as a 'correction stick,' Jared attempts to take stock of their situation.] Jared: < ^_^ > We don't know if we're in Eva. We could be in Ranma or Ghost in the Shell or Lain or any number of anime with Japan in it. John: That's all of them!!! Andy: (offering) The Dragon Ball Series was in China. [Dirty looks point at the tallest American for a moment, then Jared gets a very concerned look on his face.] Jared: Everybody pause and pray we aren't in some tentacle porn. In the meantime, I suggest you two start learning Japanese. Andy: And what do you think you're going to do? Jared: Play the completely silent and apparently stupid Ninja side-kick with incredible martial arts skills. John: (rolling his eyes) How about we play a trio of clueless American teenagers without passports or knowledge of ten words of the language. Jared: Hey! (counts on his fingers) Oh yeah, only nine for me. I guess you're right. Where are we again? John: We are in Eva, so I guess we just find someone who speaks English. Jared: Eva? I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or run screaming for the hills. [Andy starts kissing the pavement.] John: < o_0 > ... Jared: How do you know? Andy: (getting up) Yeah? How did you figure that out so quickly? John: (doing some leg stretches and then points behind his friends) Well-- [Around the Goons, the buildings start dropping into the ground.] John: (preparing for a good dash) --there's that minor detail. The buildings are lowering a la Tokyo-3 and _that_ I believe is an Angel. [Jared and Andy turn to see indeed one of the Angels. Unit-01 appears on the scene shortly and starts tangling with it. It is soon joined by the blue and red Evas.] Jared: (looks at Andy) If we live through this, I am _so_ going to kill you. [The two Americans join their friend in the daunting task of running as fast as possible in the other direction, screaming their fool heads off.] ________________________________________________________________________ TITLE FLASH: Three Goons Who was that Masked Man? / Unfamiliar Everything ________________________________________________________________________ [Deep underground, Major Katsuragi perks up her ears, listening to the external microphones on the Evas, while still keeping one eye on the combat area.] Misato: (thinking) That sounds like civilians screaming. (out loud) Asuka, go over to the park and check for anyone that hasn't made it to a shelter. Asuka: < -_- > (through the comm) Do I look like a recovery crew to you? Misato: Just do it. [Unit-02 breaks from the battle with Asuka grumbling the entire way. As she reaches the park, she notices the figures on the ground and engages a magnification mechanism built into the plug.] [Meanwhile, at ground level...] Jared: (yelling) It is the goddess!!! [Back at the base.] Asuka: (picked up over the comm) I can see three people. They look American. One of them is bowing to my Unit-02 though. Probably nuts or something. Misato: Well, they aren't in any danger right there, I'll have a med crew come check them out though. And mind the Angel. [Ground level...] John: Andy, quick check, Asuka is American right? Andy: Actually, I think she's German. Jared: No, he's right. Asuka is American but with Japanese and German heritage. She was returning from Germany where she went to school and lived with her... was it adoptive mother or grandmother? John: (getting to the point) So can she understand us? Jared: < ^_^ > Well, you could try swearing at her in English and if she kills you, John, then we have our answer. John: < -_- > Shut up, Jared. Jared: < ^_^ > Bite me. John: (making threatening advances towards his associate) Maybe I will this time. Jared: < 0_0; > ... Asuka: (from within Unit-02) Um, I think that they'll kill each other before the med team gets there, Misato. Jared: Alright, stand back. (turning toward the mecha, and shouting up the red monstrosity) Hey, hot stuff! How about you, me, a can or two of whipped cream, some cherries, and a nice private place for the night? Asuka: (eyes bug out) Uggh! What a PERVERT! I'll kill them myself!!! Jared: (innocent, clueless look) Who, me? John: < -_- > Where's my baseball bat when I need it? [As the size 200 foot crashes into the ground next to them, the Americans refuse to even flinch.] Andy: < o_o > Successful test? Jared: < o_o > Indeed, now how do we survive? Andy: < o_o > I propose running and screaming. Jared: < o_o > I have no objections. John: (yelling at Unit-02 and pointing in the direction of the battle) Shouldn't you be taking care of that Angel? [The three make tracks.] Asuka: COME BACK HERE YOU JERKS! Andy: < -_-; > (running) Now what? Jared: < ^_^ > (running) Simple, like that one episode, we wait until Asuka goes down and get into the plug where it's safe. John: < -_- > (running) You mean where you can be close to Asuka. Jared: < ^_^; > (running) Bite me. John: < -_-; > (running) I don't think that will work. Jared: < o_o > (running) Why not? John: (comes to a stop) She's already left us alone. Jared: (stumbling to a halt) Damn it! I told you guys not to turn back there! Andy: (halts, backs up several steps) Who was screaming 'run for your lives' a few seconds ago? Jared: (arms crossed) Some other pedestrian. John: Suuuuuuuure. If we managed to get Asuka's attention, then maybe Misato saw us. (Noticing Jared and Andy starting to drool) She may send a medical crew out to look at us in case we're injured or something. Andy: So what's the plan? Jared: Any ideas? ... Aww, who am I talkin' to. It's time to invade NERV. Andy: Why? Jared: I'm bored. (shrugs) We have nothing better to do. John: Oh, so you want to run from NERV security now? Jared: I hadn't thought about that... John: < -_- > Big surprise. Jared: Well fine, mister smarty pants! How do you propose that we get into NERV, the most secretive and powerful agency in the United Nations? John: < ^_^ > The American way. Andy: Buy them out? Jared: We don't have any yen. Andy: Well then, I guess that plan was shot down before it took off. John: < -_-;;; > I had meant through trickery and deceit. Andy and Jared: Aaaahhh. [Minutes pass as the three Americans try to come up with a foolproof plan. A plan of that type means that even _they_ can't mess it up. Unfortunately, they can't agree on any one single plan. Jared wants to try and sweet talk his way in. John points out that's how Asuka became pissed off at them. Andy's plan is to come in a la JSSDF in "End of Evangelion." John points Andy to the fact that they have neither battleships, tanks, hover gunships, N2 mines, or even Mass Production Model Evas.] Andy: Yeah, yeah, but it would be cool if we did have any of those things. John: That isn't exactly the best way to win them over. Jared: Besides if we had MP models, we wouldn't need NERV. We could just fly back to the States. Andy: (sarcastically) Ah, Yes. And then we'd be attacked by 'our' military which could kick these wimps' asses from here to Pluto! Jared: (looking around the corner at the approaching ambulances) Well we better come up with something quick. John, what's your plan? [There is a pause. Jared pulls back from the corner and joins Andy in staring at the John-shaped hole in the air.] Andy: < 0_0 > John? [The ambulances arrive. Jared and Andy are quickly checked for injuries and then the medical team and the two start looking for the third.] [What they come upon is a scene straight from Total Recall. John appears to be lying in a pool of his own blood in the center of a blast crater. Saliva is foaming from his mouth as his limbs convulse in odd angles. The surrounding area is totally destroyed as water from broken pipes drip onto frayed wires causing small sparks.] Jared: I can't leave you alone for two seconds! Andy: Dibs on his hat! [The medics rushed over to John and carefully secure his twitching body onto a gourney. Andy snatches the hat from John's head as his semi-corpse passes like a grave robber and tries it on, only to toss it back because it doesn't fit. The medics file them all into the ambulances heading back towards NERV headquar- ters. Jared suddenly realizes the extent of the situation in a rare moment of sane intelligence.] Jared: (thinking) Holy cow, John mysteriously getting killed is going to get us into NERV! Andy: (thinking) ... (out loud) So if John dies, who gets his stereo? [This brings to mind the image of one of them dying in the desert and the others descending on their fallen comrade like vultures to use his shin bones for flutes. Though, none of them can play, nor have any use for a flute.] ________________________________________________________________________ [It is in record time that John's body is dumped on a hospital bed several levels deep into NERV. The battle has been won and as far as the two conscious members can ascertain, both Asuka and her Eva are reasonably well.] Jared: (in a sage voice) Perhaps we three stones have altered this mighty river's path. Andy: (in a Yoda voice) Hmmm, change good, but know this, beware the dark side of Eva. Strong, it is. John: (suddenly sitting up acting perfectly healthy) Vultures. [Jared and Andy scream and assume Little Takahashi Devil Pose #35: We've been discovered!] Andy: John! You're alive! Jared: How'd you do that, man?! John: (spitting out an antacid tablet from his mouth) Sorry, trade secret. Andy: And Asuka didn't lose as far as we can tell. John: Oh my God! We've changed the entire plot of Eva! Authors: (breathe a sigh of relief) ... Andy: (to no one in particular) You bastards! John: (ignoring Andy) So, did it work? Are we in NERV? Jared: Hell yeah. John: (assuming a Montgomery Burns pose) Excellent. [John's pleasure is cut short when he notices a tube sticking out of his arm. His eyes follow the tube up to an IV bag with the Japanese name of a powerful sedative.] John: < -_- > This isn't good. [The drugs begin to take effect and John passes out for real this time, occasionally coming to in order to spout quotes from random works of literature.] Jared: Well, crisis diverted. Andy: Now what do we do? Jared: (without missing a beat) Panic. Andy: Hmm? John: (slurred singing) A vury murry un-berfday to you... Andy: Oh _that_. [_That_ is the entrance of three of the four main babes of the series.] [Jared has been trying, really trying to follow the advice of John, before that little incident with the medical technicians, but he was never one for following anyone's advice but his own. So what if he's going to put his foot in his mouth a few dozen times? It has happened before, it will happen again; best not to be afraid of it.] [He doesn't have time dwell on said advice any further, because at that point, three people he knows better than he had any right to walk into the room. Asuka is looking red, in places other than her plug suit. Misato is... well, pissed off. Ritsuko doesn't seem perturbed at all, just watching Jared and Andy like a hawk, of course.] Jared: Ah... hello? Misato: Jared: Sorry babe, I only know about five words worth of Japanese, not counting food and cars. [Asuka glares a bit. Then she glares a bit more. Jared smiles hugely and Andy puts his head in his hands, subtly moving away from Jared, lest he get caught up in the cross-fire.] Asuka: (grumbling) I'm translating. Jared: A pleasure, Ms. Sohryu, as always. Misato: (harshly) Jared: (cutting Asuka out before she could translate) An explanation? Sure. [Misato narrows her eyes. Asuka has barely opened her mouth when Jared cut her off, and decides to just look angrily in his general direction while trying to ignore him.] Jared: We have no idea how we got here, but the last thing I clearly remember before we showed up outside of Tokyo-3 was stupid here (indicating Andy) putting the next Eva tape in the VCR. There was some special effects, then WHAMMO! We're in Tokyo-3. Actually, we weren't sure which Tokyo this was at first, but I guess we're lucky, eh? [Silence.] [More silence.] John: WELCOME TO THE MAIN EVENT!!! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLEEEE!!!!!!!!! [Everyone in the room pauses to blink at the drugged teenager.] Misato: Asuka: (grinning) Misato says to cut the shit or she'll shoot you in the kneecap. Andy: (leaning into view) Which one? Jared: Not now, Andy. Andy: < ^_^ > Well if it's my left kneecap I wouldn't mind as much. Jared: I said not now, Andy. [Misato and Ritsuko grow sweat drops as Asuka translates the aside conversation for them.] Misato: Asuka: (smiling evilly) Now she says she'll just shoot you in the nuts... Both of them. (Andy backs away quickly) So spit it out. [Andy is pressed up against the wall, eyeing the nearby vent cover with a look of longing as Jared (fearless, as usual) prepares to partake in the age-old Waddell practice of seeing just how far his foot will fit down his throat before he is knocked unconscious. Or maybe he just has a death wish, or has gone insane from their little jump in. Of course, this is Jared... his sanity was never in question.] [He just never had any to begin with.] Jared: (to Asuka) I assure you personally that what follows is nothing but the complete truth. While I would like nothing better to whisk you personally away for an evening to wine and dine, then fuck your brains out, I have more pressing matters to attend to. [Asuka is livid, and Ritsuko looks just a little bit pale. John begins mumbling something in his stupor, vaguely making gestures of indeterminate intent, most likely reenacting the swordfight in Hamlet.] Jared: (continuing, unfazed by his audience's response) Namely, surviving. I take it living here with no identity, no history, no records and no one to trust can't be a good thing, so it's your help I need. Soon, however, I believe it's my help that you'll be needing. [Andy looks at the room's only door, then to John's bed, calculating how long it (or John) would hold out as a piece of makeshift armor for when Asuka goes ballistic.] [Asuka is already reaching for her mallet when the final sentence hits her flaming brain. She lets go of the semi- materialized weapon. Though it _is_ perfect for pounding down perverts, she feels she is really going to need both hands free if she is going to choke the American to death.] [Jared deals with the situation in the best way he can. Blocking and dodging precariously, he swiftly removes John from the hospital bed and uses it as a long-range weapon, keeping Asuka at bay while Misato calls security and Andy tries to hide behind Ritsuko.] [Somehow, a flicker of intelligence graces Jared's mind while he dodges various kicks Asuka sends his way. He retains the presence of mind to cover John, who is far from capable of regaining the vertical anytime soon. Finally, he puts his plan into action.] Jared: NINJA VANISH! [Click.] [With the lights out--courtesy of Andy--Asuka screams in frustration, and chaos ensues.] John: Half a league, half a league, half a league onward. Into the valley of death rode the six hundred. [By the time Ritsuko hits the switch (three seconds even), two of the three Americans have indeed disappeared. They can't have very well left the room, opening the door would have let light in from the hall. The vent grate on the wall is open, but it is the sound of strained curses that draws the attention of the three women in the room to the ceiling, where Jared hangs by his fingernails, and Andy, wedged into a corner, is gripping conduit outcroppings.] John: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil for Asuka is in pursuit and that Valley's looking mighty fine in comparison. Jared and Andy: Amen, brotha. [Presently, they managed to untangle Asuka from the remains of the bed, brought in a new one, and found someone else with the security clearance to translate, in the form of NERV heartthrob, Roji Kaji. Jared just sat in the back with his two broken fingers and made small talk with John while Andy just did a recap of what had happened since they arrived. No one had yet removed the IV from John's arm.] Jared: This is crazy. John: (mouth taped shut by Asuka) Mmmrghff. Jared: I know, but some more work and it'll work. Have some faith! John: MmmRRRRghhhummm. Jared: Well, at least I thought it would work. Man, she is short tempered. John: MmmmMMmmmm. Jared: Yeah, maybe if I wasn't such a per-- HEY! This is all Andy's fault anyhow, what did he do to that VCR? [Interrupting John, Andy whisks the bed out from under his blubbering associate and slams it into Jared's head, then returns to his explanation.] John: Mmmmnnnmmnnmnmrrrr. Kaji: Isn't anyone going to unhook that kid from the bag? Andy: (looks at John, looks at the bag, looks at John) No. [Misato shakes her head. Asuka shakes her head. Ritsuko shakes her head. Jared wakes up and shakes his head. John leaps to his feet in a muffled quotation from Braveheart. In doing so he accidentally knocks the tube out of himself and passes out again. Kaji shrugs.] Kaji: Hey Rit-chan, how long will the kid be out now? Ritsuko: It may be a while. He's taken in a lot. I don't know how he survived the explosion... without even a loss of limb. No burn marks or broken bones, either. Nothing. He was just twitching and was covered in blood. It's the oddest thing. Jared: Um, from the looks you're giving John there, I would assume you're wondering what happened to him. Kaji: Among other things. Andy: Somehow John has hired Hollywood's greatest prop men and recreated a scene out of Total Recall in under fifteen seconds. [Everyone stares at Andy, occasionally glancing at John.] Jared: I don't think so. Somehow John came up with a pint of movie blood, found a nearby location damaged from a missed round from the pistols the Evas use and made like Prince's career. Misato: (translated by Kaji) And does John usually carry around pints of human blood? Andy: Only when he needs to. Jared: Seriously? You've known him longer than I have. Andy: Actually, I have no idea where John got the blood from. Jared: (pointing at Misato) Wait, you said human blood?! Misato: (nodding) [Jared licks his lips, causing the others in the room to stare. He ignores the looks and returns to normal, remaining quiet. Several minutes pass.] Ritsuko: (translated) His same blood type. If it was corn syrup of something similar, we'd have detected it, but the only thing we couldn't find was the wound. Andy: (to John's unconscious body) You slick SOB. [Misato's cellphone rings. She answered it quickly.] Misato: Moshi moshi? (straightening up on reflex before continuing) . Andy: (whispering to Jared) Must be Gendo on the line. Jared: (whispering to Andy) Don't you just love the way, her jacket parts and her tits stick out when she comes to attention? Kaji: (whispering to both of them) Item one, all you get to do is enjoy the view. Item two, I'm probably under too much stress right now, but I actually believe your story. Misato: Kaji: ? Ritsuko: ?! Asuka: !!! Andy: I suspect 'baka' is a term of mutual respect. Misato: (shrugging) Ritsuko: (sitting down with her head in her hands) Andy: (waving his arms) Heeellloooo? Are we suddenly invisible?! Asuka: ! Misato: Kaji: ? Ritsuko: Kaji: Well fellas, I don't know who you are, but it seems that you made quite an impression on the old man. Welcome to NERV. [As the two conscious Americans begin a celebratory dance, Asuka reaches for another mallet.] ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ End Episode 1 Next Episode: (John Voice Over) (cue intelligible sounds) askh kjnn, wkeon... a jkl jihe andfweweoon nnskn ppwk k knfn af. Lkkn .... kehish k ke nnk sooqqp snndkkf. Lassshe kdif xcv neiso? Hskek skahieo loovleks abrosondk sohhjwk apmn zbcqoojdjoemem she mmks eh dooooojdne insnk e. Htkj sniahkhe he wookandk wo... TSH TIOSK ENNS EOHTHSO!!! Ver 1.0 Jul 6, 2001 Ver 1.1 Sep 22, 2002