WARNING: We don't own it. We own this. You might enjoy it, but if you see something you don't want to read, you know what to do. _________________________ Caption: O N E M O N T H A G O _________________________ [Open on a field of immaculate lillies. A cluster of average youths stand rigidly at attention while an older boy, perhaps fives years beyond the mean of the youths, paces up and down the line. Stomping dead the lillies under his bare feet, the older boy wears a worn black gi and a dour expression. The youths look both nervous and scared out of their minds. Several consider the landscape, taking the measure of its cover, and find is sorely lacking.] [Finally, the older boy, the teacher, comes to a decision and stops pacing. He sighs and looks at the group before him. Rei, Shinji, Asuka, Toji, Kensuke. All good kids. Perhaps they have seen more than the normal amount of death and destruction in their time. Perhaps they have seen more than normal children their age have seen. But the world is at war today, and all the world's children have seen too much. Perhaps they _are_ normal. Today, the teacher is going to take away even that normalcy.] [For Jared Waddell has a mission.] Jared: Today, it begins. Today I teach you the forbidden style. I warn you now...I will not teach you all of it. I _will_ teach you what you need to know. You will not like this training. In all likelihood, you will hate me when we are done, but you will survive the coming darkness... [He smiles that does not often grace his face. One alive with his will and warning of dangerous things to come.] Jared: If you survive the training. ________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________ E N D O F G O O N V A N G E L I O N __________ D U M B A N D R E B I R T H _______________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ _________________________ Caption: O N E W E E K A G O _________________________ [The pilots and Goons are gathered in a stuffy briefing room. A slide on the main screen shows a picture of one of NERV's locked and guarded entrances.] John: The first wave will be JSSDF special shock troops. They have months of training to prepare for this assault, but Andy has memorized every frame of movie and will be handling interior defense. [The slide changes to a panoramic view of the hills just outside of the city.] John: The assault on the exterior of the base will come from all directions. Automatic defenses will be disabled, the Evangelion Weapons platforms will be taken out with cruise missiles, and then comes the coupe de grace. [The frame changes to a stock photo of a distinctive mushroom cloud.] John: What remains of NERV's armor will be blown off by an N2 mine. [The frame changes to a rather nice sketch of the exposed geofront from the movies.] John: So here we the aftermath of the explosion. Jared will lead the assault in the Evangelion units while I help Ritsuko and Misato direct NERV's ground forces to mop up. You guys get the fun job. [The next frame is a covert picture of a stock mass production unit. A sketch of their lance of Longinis copies is also squeezed into the frame.] John: The bad news is that these guys can fly, are murder machines that don't feel pain, carry semi-morphable weapons, regenerate, and number around a dozen. The good news is that there's no pilots on board and if you take out the S2 core they die. The city will be history by then, so feel free to use whatever means necessary to take them out quickly. [The slides end.] John: Any questions? [A slap echoes through the room.] Jared: Oww! Asuka: Can we turn the lights on?! _________________________ Caption: F I V E M I N U T E S A G O _________________________ [The Eva launch bays. While crews divine order from chaos in preparing the Evangelion units in record time, the entire compliment of NERV's pilots, minus Andy and the yet-unseen Kowaru Nagisa look on. All are dressed in plug suits matching the paint job and design of their assigned Evangelions, though only Unit-03 is visible in the background, with strange cylindrical appendages--the Super Vernier Engines--attached to the back.] John: Well, all that's left is to pick the music. Asuka: Can we entrance on something with a beat this time? Toji: Metallica all the way. John: (to thin air) Should I be worried that these kids know about Metallica? Kensuke: Why not the Ode to Joy? John: Because even I'm getting tired of hearing it! Jared: (singing to himself) Tumbling down... [John glares at Jared. The wall behind the perverted Goon warps and buckles. Repair crew rush to fix the damage.] Misato: (via John's Mini-MAGI) We're playing something from The Godfather this time. A personal request from yours truly. Asuka: The what? [Jared gets a 'oh shit' look on his face and slides covertly away from Genoni, who seems to glow red.] John: You haven't seen 'The Godfather?' Asuka: Hm? No, I don't think so. I would have remembered a sucky title like that. John: Oh, really? Jared: (here-we-go-again tone) Hoo-boy. _________________________ Caption: O N E M I N U T E A G O _________________________ [Andy stands before the assaulting JSSDF forces, smirking. He raises a hand, and the Faceless Minions flood around him, smashing into the invading soldiers like a fist through a two-by-four.] ________________________________________________________________________ INTERMISSION END INTERMISSION _______________________________________ E N D O F G O O N V A N G E L I O N __________ N O , R E A L L Y _______________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ _________________________ Caption: N O W _________________________ [Jared sits in Unit-03's plug, watching the peaceful, distant hills. There, hidden behind the trees and bushes, lies all of Japan's army. And above, await an unknown number of walking dealers of death. And here, only him.] Misato: (over comm.) Well, since Genoni has the kids locked in the lower blocks, watching The Godfather, and our breaching forces were swallowed up by something Ritsuko swore was the physical manifestation of infinite evil, you're all we have left. I wish I could say it's been nice knowing you, Waddell, but I didn't like you before now and if you screw up, I won't be surprised, so go out there and get yourself killed. Jared: There's one thing you're forgetting Misato. Misato: (over comm.) Which is? Jared: (smiles) When it counts, the Goons never loose. [Misato gives a jaunty wave in the comm. screen and it closes. Jared sighs.] Jared: Melanie, I'm so sorry. I have to break my promise in order to keep it. [He lowers his head as the opposition launches a salvo of missiles at his partially-visible Eva. Just before they impact on his AT-Field, Jared returns his eyes to the viewport with a look of absolute murder gracing his face.] [They fight.] [When the battle halts, Unit-03 stands at one end of the war- torn earth. The ground glows red in numerous places marking the catastrophic detonation of active S2 cores. A half-dozen mass production units stand in a group away from the blood-soaked Evangelion, which holds a battered long sword, and has four thoroughly smashed-up rocket engines still attached to its back. Should one stop to count what little remains of the deceased mass production units, they would find that at least thirty have fallen so far. Of the JSSDF forces, there is nothing left to see.] [Unit-06X appears, climbing over the rim of another nameless crater in the surface. Unit-01 follows, then 02. In a minute, NERV's entire force of Evangelions stand facing the attackers. With the odds against them no positively astronomical, one of the units takes a cautious step back.] Andy: (coldly) No. There will be no escape. [They fight.] _________________________ Caption: A F T E R T H E B A T T L E _________________________ [The pilots and many of the NERV officers stand on the surface. The remains of the epic battle that just conclude spread all around them, but for now, peace reigns. Even Gendo is present, merrily shaking hands with pilots who would, under less festive circumstances, be giving a him a wide berth.] Kowaru: Man, I didn't get to see any action at all. John: Sorry, dude. There just wasn't time to get you an Eva, and Misato was against another round of the Ode to Joy and all. Kowaru: (looks hungrily at Shinji) ... John: That, and dumber and dumber seemed to have cornered the yaoi market of this story. [As if my magic (me), the entire group turns their attention to Jared and Andy, who are now wearing cowboy hats, but no shirts. They're cheering merrily between chugging their beer. It takes several minutes before they stop giving each other high fives and return the stares.] Jared & Andy: (in perfect synchronization) What? [Most of the assembled shrug and go back to doing whatever they were doing, leaving Andy and Jared in their usual states of mind (confused). Gendo comes up to the moping Kowaru.] Gendo: Good work, pilot. Kowaru: (aw-shucks tone) But I didn't do anything. [Gendo sticks out his hand anyway. Kowaru shrugs and reaches out to take it.] [Time slows down.] [John watches the two appendages draw closer and closer. Just before they touch, it hits him and he moves to stop him.] John: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [Contact.] [Now, here there would be a big and highly disturbing musical sequence chock full of symbolism and fan service. However, this story centers on the Goons, and the Goons are not exactly human. Therefore, they are exempt from experiencing the Instrumentation of Humanity, and to them, it looks like this: Everybody explodes into orange goo.] [That's it.] [It takes like, one second to happen.] [And about five to register.] Jared: ...WHAT...THE...FUCK?!!! Andy: Ew. John: (kneels and sets a tanto against his stomach) ... ________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________ T H E E N D O F G O O N V A N G E L I O N __________ R O L L T H E C R E D I T S _______________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ Written by Jared Waddell Edited by Jared Waddell Conceived by Jared Waddell Based on the anime 'Shin Seiki Evangelion' By Gainix Studios Viewed by YOU! ________________________________________________________________________ Epilogue: [Two of the three Goons still stand in shock. John is kneeling on the ground, about to remove himself from the pain of living.] Rei: g...genoni-oniisan? John: (in shock, drops the knife) Rei? [Several minutes and shots of hard liquor later...] Jared: Well, the place is a wash. Most of the technology is destroyed and everyone else is goo. Ungrateful bastards. John: What did survive? Jared: Us. Rei. The remotes. The stuff in our vaults. The Evas. Oh yes, and Rei's clones are remarkably intact. Andy: The question is...what now? John: That is the question. But with the remote... Jared: (tosses John the device with a shrug) I just murdered more people than I care to count. You can be responsible for a while. Andy: (nodding at the remote in John's hands) So, what are you gonna do with it? [John looks tiredly in the direction of the audience (you), points the remote at your forehead, and presses-- The End