Ole got a new rifle and he is real proud of it. He says to Lena, "I'm goin' over to show Sven my new rifle."

So Ole goes to Sven's house and he says, "Sven, take a look at da new rifle I got."

Sven looks through the scope and says, "Ole, I can see all the way to your house."
"And Ole, I can see Lars at da door."
"Ole, Lena is lettin Lars in your house."
"Oh Ole, Lena is taking Lars upstairs to da bedroom."
"Oh my Ole, Lena and Lars are naked in the bedroom."

Well, by this time Ole is real mad. He says, "Sven, I vant you to shoot the hell out of them. If you don't I vill!"
"Shoot Lena in the head and Lars in the Pecker."

So Sven loads two shells in the chamber, cocks the gun, and looks through the scope. Then he ejects one shell an says, "I tink I can get dem both vit vun shot."

Lena decides that she want to get in shape. She vows to exercise a little every morning before she gets out of bed. One morning, near the end of her exercise routine, she is feeling particularly limber. So, as she's laying on the bed, she kicks her feet up and over her head. But she gets her ankles caught in the headboard.

Lena could hear Ole in the bathroom brushing his teeth. So, she called out, "Ole! Ole! Come quick!"

Ole came rushing into the bedroom. When he saw Lena with her feet caught behind her head, he said with disgust, "Lena, put in your teeth and comb your hair. You look like an ass hole!"

On his wedding night, Ole first took off his socks. His toes were all deformed and curled up.

Lena noticed this and replied," Whats wrong with your feet Ole?"

"When I was a small child I had Toeliosis"

"You mean Scoliosis?" said Lena.

"No, I had Toeliosis," said Ole.

He then started to take off his pants. His knees were all scarred and bumpy.

"Whats wrong with your knees, Ole?" asked Lena.

"When I was a child I had Kneesles," said Ole.

He then took off his underwear.

"When you were a child you must have also had Smallcocks huh?" replied Lena.

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Lena... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break.
Strangely, neither Jack nor Lena took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.

Lena finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Lena, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Lena said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

Helga, Olga, and Lena are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, when suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes Helga, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by Olga, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the equipment.

He passes Lena, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"

Ole and his son go into the grocery store where they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

Ole replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and one for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, "Well, what's the 6 pack for?"

Ole replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father, "Well,what's the 12 pack is for?"

Ole replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......"

Ole and his dog are shipwrecked on a deserted island. After a few days he decides to take the dog and reconnoiter the island. Ole discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself, "I'll never be that desperate."

Sooooo, a few weeks later Ole can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go. He snaps out of it, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself.

This same scene happens every night for a month and Ole starts to get really pissed at the dog.

Then one day, Ole spies a life-raft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, barely alive. He takes her back to his hut, revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her....

She says Ole, "I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want!"

"Anything?"

"Anything!!"

"OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!"

Well Ole and Lena had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when Ole said to Lena, "Just tink, honey, ve've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," Lena replied, "Just tink, fifty years ago ve vere sitting here at dis breakfast table togedher."

"I know," Ole said. "Ve vere probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Vell," Lena snickered, "Vhat do you say...should ve?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table."

"You know, honey," Lena breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

"I vouldn't be surprised," replied Ole. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal!"

Ole was riding on a bus when it stopped in front of a church. A beautiful young lady gets on and proceeds to sit next to Ole in the front seat. Ole recognizes the young lady as the, deeply religous, pastor's daughter.

Ole looks over and asks her if she would have sex with him. The young lady surprised by the question, politely declines, and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts, and it's on its way, the bus driver says to Ole, "If you would like, I can tell you how you can get that young lady to have sex with you."

Ole, of course, says that he'd love to know. So the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the young lady goes to the cemetery to pray to God. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

Well Ole decides to try this out. So that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for her. And right on schedule the young lady shows up. When she's in the middle of praying Ole walks out from hiding, in robes, and glowing with a mask of God. "I am God, I have heard your prayers, and I will answer them, but you must have sex with me first."

The young lady agrees, but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. Ole agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on her.

After Ole finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm not God, I'm Ole!!"

The young lady replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm not the young lady, I'm the bus driver!!"

Ole walks into a bar and notices a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar. Casually he pulls out a stool next to her, orders a drink, and asks if he can buy her a drink.

"I don't think you would want to do that," she replied.

"Vhy not?"

"I'm a lesbian".

"Vhat's dat???" Ole asked dumfoundedly.

"You really don't know what a lesbian is?" she asked.

"No, is it bad?"

"Well, I will tell you. See the young redhead, over on the other side of the bar, sitting all by herself? I'm going to tell you what I would like to do to her," and she whispered into Ole's ear.

Ole's only response with amazement was, "Vell, I guess I must be a lesbian too!"

A guy walks up to the pharmacy window and is greeted by a female pharmacist.

He says, "I want to buy a box of condoms."

"What size?" she asks.

"I don't know," he responds.

She says, "Well, put your penis up on the counter and I'll determine the size of the condom."

He places his penis on the counter and she strokes it a couple times before picking up the paging mike and announcing, "We need a box of medium condoms on counter 5... medium box of condoms on counter 5."

Another guy walks up to the female pharmacist. He also wants to buy some condoms, but is unsure of the size. Once again, she asks him to put his penis on the counter. She strokes it a few times and then picks up the store mike to announce, "We need a box of large condoms on counter 5... large box of condoms on counter 5."

Ole has seen all this and is getting excited. Although he doesn't need any condoms, he decides to buy a box. So Ole walks up to the counter and says, "I vould like some condoms."

The female pharmacist asks, "What size do you need?"

Ole smiles and says, "I don't know, could you check it for me?"

So she instructs him to place his penis on the counter. She strokes it a few times, hesitates, then picks up the store mike and announces, "Clean up on counter 5.... clean up on counter 5..."

After a long, tiring wedding reception, one that went into the wee hours of the morning, Ole and Lena finally said their goodbyes and headed off for their honeymoon. It wasn't more than an hour or so, when Ole started to weave the car back and forth across the highway's center line.

Lena said to him, "Ole! You're weaving all over the highway. You must be tired. Maybe we ought to pull into that motel over there and get some sleep."

Ole agreed and pulled into the parking lot. He went up to the motel's office and rang the bell which awakened the night clerk. Ole then proceeded to explain how they had just got married and were headed to the honeymoon. They needed a place to stay because they were both tired.

The night clerk perked right up and said, "Ah-h-h, newlyweds! Then I suppose you'll want the bridal?"

"Nah, I think I'll hold her by the ears 'til she gets used to it, " replied Ole.

One day, Ole walked into a bar. He saw his friend Lars and said, "If I show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you buy me five beers?"

Lars says, "Show me this amazing thing first."

So Ole takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano. The 10 inch man starts playing the piano.

Lars scratches his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing.” And buys Ole his five beers. “How did you do that?"

"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and will grant you one wish."

So Lars goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of his lamp. I will grant one wish. Choose carefully."

"I want 10,000,000 bucks," said Lars.

As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000 ducks came out of nowhere. Lars shook his head and went back into the bar.

"Boy," he said to Ole, "that genie sure does have bad hearing."

"Well, what did you think I asked for, a 10 inch pianist?"

Little Ole walked in on his parents one night. He was confused and asked his dad, "What are you doing?”

Ole said, "Son, I'm playing cards. You see your mother is my wild card and I am trying to catch her."

Little Ole said, "OK," and went back to bed.

Then next day Ole walked in on Little Ole jacking off. Ole asked him what he was doing, and Little Ole replied, “I am playing cards.”

His father said, "Well son, where is your wild card?"

Little Ole replied, "Dad, I don't need a wild card with a hand like this!"

Do you know what Lena does with her asshole while she's making love?

She leaves Ole at home.

Ole was talking to his doctor in a very low-pitched, gruff, voice. He said, "I've had this voice all my adult life. Do you know what might be wrong? Is there anything you can do for me?"

The doctor (who's voice was quite normal) said, "Well, remove all your clothes and I'll examine you."

After Ole removed his clothes, the doctor saw that he was hung like a horse, and twice as thick. The doctor said, "Well, no wonder! Your penis is so big, the weight of it, hanging, is pulling down on your diaphragm causing your voice to sound like that. I could surgically remove a large section of your penis and that would fix it!"

Ole said, "Okay, do it!"

After a couple of months of convalescing, Ole returned to the doctor for his final follow-up visit. He told the doctor, in a very normal voice, "I'm just fine now, doctor. Thank you very much."

The doctor in a very low-pitched, gruff, voice, said, "No problem."

Lena was at the front door awaiting the arrival of her eight year old son, Little Ole, from school. As Little Ole ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn't understand the answer to that "million dollar question". Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?

Lena asked Little Ole what he thought the answer was. The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth, whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.

Lena told her boy that that was a good guess, but wrong. She said that she would give him a hint...that the sperm came out of the man's penis.

Suddenly, Little Ole's face became quite red and he said, "YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!!??"

Ole and Lena have just been married and are on a bus north to spend their honeymoon. Ole is happy because Lena had made him promise to wait until they were married before they made sex. On the bus there are 2 college students, 2 hunters, the driver, and Ole and Lena in the back.

Right when the bus is in the middle of nowhere, it gets stuck in the snow. The driver, the college students, and the hunters get out to survey the situation.

Ole says, "Lena, let's do it!"

Lena, "But Ole, I promised my mother that we would not do it until we got to the hotel."

Ole, "But Lena, there's no one on the bus."

Lena, "No, Ole. You'll have to wait."

Everyone gets back on the bus and in another 30 miles the bus blows a tire. The driver, college students, and the hunters get out to survey the situation.

Ole, "Come on, Lena, let's do it!"

Lena, "No, Ole. I promised my mother that we would wait until we got to the hotel."

Ole, "But Lena, there's no one on the bus."

Lena, "No, Ole. You'll have to wait."

After putting the spare tire on the bus the driver, college students, and the hunters get back in the bus. After another hour the bus blows another tire, and there are no more spares. After the driver, college students, and the hunters talk it over they all decide to walk to the next town.

Lena, "Ole, let's do it!"

Ole, "But Lena, you promised your mother that you would wait until we got to the hotel."

Lena, "I know Ole, but those two hunters said that the f---ing season would be over before we got up north!"

Ole takes Lena to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor takes Ole aside and says, "I've got some bad news for you. Lena either has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, but I can't tell which."

"That's terrible, " says Ole, "What should we do?"

"Well,” replies the doctor, "I'll give you a thirty minute head start before I send her home. And if she makes it, don't f--- her!"

Ole and Lena were in bed together when Ole noticed that Lena's breasts were unusually large.

"What happened to you? Your boobs weren't this big yesterday!"

"Well, " Lena said, "I found a magic mirror on the back of the attic door that will grant you any wish you ask it; so I said, 'Mirror Mirror on the door make my breasts D34' and Presto! It worked!"

Ole thought that he would impress Lena with a pleasant surprise that night so he went to the mirror and said, "Mirror Mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor."

Presto! His legs fell off!

Ole and Lena had been married for a few years. Their sex life just wasn't like the old days. It was getting so bad, Lena went to see a therapist. She explained the situation, and the therapist said, “What you need to do is start wearing something sexy; provocative!”

Lena says, "Oh, I couldn't do that!"

The therapist says, "Just try it. It will work."

So, Lena went out and bought some crotchless panties.

Ole comes home from work, and Lena serves him a real nice meal. After they finish, Ole goes to the living room and starts watching TV.

Lena goes and slips into her crotchless panties, walks into the living room, gets up on the coffee table in front of Ole, hikes up her skirt and asks, "Ole, would you like some of this?"

"Oh, heavens no Lena!" Ole replied. "Look what it did to your panties!"

Ole had just got a new job at the pickle factory. The manager showed Ole all around and said, "There’s just one rule. You are not allowed to use the pickle slicer."

Well, Ole got to work, and everything was going fine, when Ole got a terrible urge to put his vingvanger in the pickle slicer. He knew he was not allowed to use the pickle slicer, so he tried to put it out of his mind and got back to work.

After a while again Ole got a terrible urge to put his vingvanger in the pickle slicer. This time Ole could not resist the urge, and so he did. The manager found out, Ole was fired, and he went back home.

That afternoon when Lena came home from shopping, she found Ole at home already, sitting on the couch. "What in the heck are you doing home already on your first day on the job? asked Lena.

"I lost my job... I was fired," Ole says.

"What? Why did they fire you?" asks Lena.

"Well, I had a trerrible urge to put my vingvanger in the pickle slicer, and so I did, and I was fired," Ole says, sheepishly.

"Oh, my! Let me see!" Lena exclaims as she grabs Ole's pants and yanks them down to his ankles. "Why, you look just fine! What happened to the pickle slicer?" Lena asks.

"Yah, well, she got fired too."

Ole and Lena decide to buy a couple of Walkie Talkies so they can keep in touch better. When they get home, Ole decides he should cut some firewood, and tells Lena he'll take his walkie talkie along in case something should happen.

Well, it wasn't long before Lena heard over her walkie talkie the message, "Lena, come quick. I cut off my finger."

"Oh, Ole. Was it the whole finger?"

"No Lena, don't worry. It was the one next to it."