Relena’s Palace, Earth:


 

//No I can’t forget this evening

Or your face as you were leaving

But I guess that’s just the way the story goes…//              

            He couldn’t sleep.  His bed was too cold.  He had been lying on his back for the past half an hour, waiting for sleep to claim him, and no warmth had been transferred to the sheets.  He rolled over to his side, nearly toppling off the mattress, and cursed.  The damn thing was also too small.  There was barely enough room for him, where the bloody hell was Trowa supposed to sleep?  The floor??  He couldn’t forgive himself if he made his Trowa sleep on the floor. . .

            Expectant turquoise eyes turned to the door of his private suite Relena Peacecraft had provided upon their arrival.  Any minute, any minute now Trowa would quietly slip in, a small smile playing across his face, and nestle next to him. . . the pillow was lumpy.  Of course.  He started to roll onto his stomach, ready to pummel the thing into its proper softness, but he ran out of bed.  He toppled to the floor in a tangle of legs and flimsy sheets, his unfluffed pillow landing beside him.

            “Ouch. . . “ he grumbled, rubbing where his hip bone had connected with the hard floor.  His grimace quickly changed to a giggle as he imagined Trowa’s reaction. His visible green eye would widen at first, then his expression would soften, he’d bend down, take him in his arms---

            …Don’t come near me!…

            He gasped and bolted up right.

            …I hope you go back to being the nice guy I once knew…

            No. That was a nightmare.  He wouldn’t let a nightmare shake him.  What would Trowa think?  He pulled himself out of the bedspread and padded across the suite to the sliding door that led to the balcony.  

                                                //You always smile

                                                But in your eyes, your sorrow shows

                                                Yes, it shows…//  

            The air held the sweet smell of the earlier storm and lightning flashed in the distance, telling him of another coming.  He didn’t care.  He inhaled deeply, trying to rid himself of the dread he was beginning to feel.  What was taking Trowa so long?  Maybe he had been hurt…?

            …Then kill me, just save Trowa!…

            He shivered and wrapped his arms around himself protectively.  Damn that dream, why couldn’t he shake it?  He looked into the sky, but the clouds blocked all, save the occasion lightning flash.  How he wished he could see the moon…

            …I’m not leaving.  There’s a colony that has to be defended…

            Heero had been there too…what would Trowa think, knowing that he was dreaming of the other Gundam pilots?  What would Trowa think if he knew---

            No.

            He wouldn’t dwell on it any longer.  A dream was a dream, nothing more.  Any minute Trowa would appear from behind him, scolding him for being outside, on cold wet pavement in his bare feet.  Clean-up.  Yes, that’s why he was late.  Clean-up at the circus.

            He let out a nervous chuckle and sank to the ground, still hugging himself.  “Just a few more minutes..” he said to himself.  “Just a few more..”

            …I guess this is the end for me…

            …Trowa’s going to die!…

            …Yeah, and you’re the one who killed him…

            He pulled his knees to his chest, silent tears sliding down his cheeks.  Who was he trying to fool?  Himself?  It wasn’t working.  Trowa wasn’t coming.  He’d killed him.  Blown him to bits with Zero’s beam cannon while on an insane vengeance quest.  Trowa had tried to stop him, as had Heero.  No dream.

            Trowa was dead.  

                                                //No, I can’t forget tomorrow

                                                When I think of all my sorrow…//  

            He pressed his face against the slick cement pillars that held up the balcony rail.  Above him, thunder rumbled, a sign that rain would come at any moment.  He should go in, but why bother?  The worst that could happen for him was to get wet.  It wasn’t like someone he loved was trying to kill him…

            “Quatre.”

            He didn’t have to turn. He’d recognize that emotionless monotone anywhere.  “Heero.”  He didn’t ask how he’d gotten in or why he was there.  He really didn’t care.

            “Come inside.”  It wasn’t a request.  Heero Yuy didn’t make requests.

            He didn’t bother to acknowledge the order.  He cast his gaze heavenwards again, but all he could see were clouds.  “Do you believe in soulmates, Heero?”

            “No.”

            For some reason, he felt like laughing at Heero’s answer.  Or maybe he wanted to laugh at himself for trying to involve Heero Yuy in a discussion concerning points of philosophy.  He shook his head, still facing the black sky.  “I do.  I think that an individual is really just half a person…and until they find the one who feels compatible…” he released himself from his self-imposed bear-hug to intertwine his fingers.  “They mesh.  They become something beautiful…they become one,” a faint smile played on his lips.  “When I was younger, I used to lie awake, wondering who my other half was and what they were doing…” the almost-smile disappeared.  “I even thought I found him, but I killed him…” his hands fell apart and came to rest on his knees.  “Soulmates aren’t supposed to kill each other..” he let out a shaky breath and turned.

            Heero was standing just outside the sliding door, still, of course, clad in his shorts and tanktop.  He had to chuckle as he wondered what the insides of Heero’s closet were like…spandex lined up with green tanks…

            Green.

            Eyes that had gazed upon him lovingly, not because he was heir to the Winner fortune, but because he was a special and unique human being…

            Oh, Trowa…

            “There are things that need to be done tomorrow that can’t be accomplished if you fall ill---“

            “Fuck tomorrow!!” his eyes narrowed in his sudden fury.  “Trowa doesn’t get to see tomorrow!  Or the next day, or the next day, or the next day!  All he gets is to float around as a frozen corpse, abandoned and forgotten in outer space!  No one will remember him or what he tried to do!  Why should I worry about a cold while Trowa gets nothing?!” Heero was unfazed, which managed to fuel his anger even more.  “You could’ve saved him!  You could’ve saved him, and you didn’t!  This is your fault!!”

            Heero closed his eyes and leaned back against the door.  “My mission was to protect the colony.  He knew and accepted that.”

            “Don’t talk about him in the past tense!” he screamed.  Heero said nothing.  As quickly as it had come upon him, his outburst past, leaving him feeling empty.  “I’m sorry, Heero…that made no sense.  How the hell else are you supposed to talk about him?” he sighed at his own stupidity and pulled himself to his feet.  He turned back away so he could lean against the balcony’s railing.  “The first time I saw him was when I surrendered to him…did you know that?”

            “…..”

            “Of course you didn’t.  What was I thinking?  But the moment he stepped from the cockpit of Heavyarms, with his hands raised, completely trusting me…I fell in love with him.  I had no idea who he was or what he was doing…I took him home—ah!  I make him sound like a goldfish or something!  Anyway, I took him home…we rarely spoke, but it was incredible.  We played a duet…had tea…hell, we even made love…” he felt his face flush at the memory.  “I was in love with someone I didn’t know…and then he was gone.  We introduced ourselves as he left…”            

                                                //And I had you there

                                                But then I let you go…//  

            “I loved him…but I killed him.”  Damn, was he still crying?  He stubbornly wiped a rough hand across his cheek.  “I had him…”

            “Quatre.” He didn’t care what Heero was going to say now.  Probably going to rub Trowa’s death in his face again.  Heero wasn’t one for sympathy.  “If soulmates mesh, like you believe, then is it possible for one to sense something drastic happening to the other?”

            He shrugged.  “I dunno.  Maybe something really big.”

            “If you and Trowa were soulmates, would you have felt him die?”

            This was really beginning to get strange.  Heero Yuy, waxing philosophy?  “If we were soulmates, I suppose I would.”

            “Did you?”

            He shook his head.

            “Then what makes you think he’s dead?”

            It took a minute to register what Heero was saying.  “You think Trowa…?”

            Heero still hadn’t moved.  He didn’t even speak.  He didn’t have to.  

                                                //And now it’s only fair that I should let you know

                                                What you should know…//            

            “That doesn’t mean anything except that Trowa’s not my other half.”

            He could’ve sworn he heard Heero faintly growl in frustration.  But he KNEW he was right!  He had snapped, and poor Trowa was the victim of his insanity.  If they had been meant for each other, he would be cuddling in Trowa’s warm embrace, instead of lamenting over his death!  Surely Heero could understand that!

            “Then his death was a waste.” Heero turned and started to slide open the glass door.

            “’A waste?!’” in a heartbeat, he was across the small patio, holding Heero’s tanktop in a vise grip.  “How can you say it’s a waste?!  He saved the colony, didn’t he??”

            “He didn’t do it for the colonies,” said the emotionless voice.  “He did it for you.  He loved you enough to sacrifice himself in the hopes that you’d regain your senses.  By saying that your relationship was a fluke, you’ve condemned him to an empty death,” he glanced down at the hand clenching his tanktop.  “Release my shirt.”

            He didn’t.  He fell to his knees and buried his face in the soft green fabric, sobbing hysterically.  Heero made no move to comfort him, in fact he made no move at all.  He simply stood there, hand on the door, eyeing the boy who had leeched onto his shirt.  

                                                //I can’t live if living is without you…//  

            It was bad enough that he had killed Trowa.  Now he had condemned him to a meaningless death also.  He had kept claiming to love him, but he kept hurting him, even after Trowa was dead.  If it hadn’t been for him, the Heavyarms pilot would still be alive, attempting to fulfill his mission.  But Trowa was gone…for no reason, Trowa was gone.  The guilt he had been feeling earlier crashed over him and he clutched Heero closer.

            Damn me…Trowa…

            He had to atone for this.  He somehow had to make up for what he had done.  Somehow.  Someway.  

                                                //I can’t live…//  

            He considered the balcony.  It was the second story of Relena’s…whatever this building could be classified as.  School, palace, it didn’t matter.  The railing came to his abdomen, easy to tumble over.  True, he wasn’t up very high, but if he fell the right way…perhaps…perhaps, it could be done. 

            It was the least he could do for Trowa.

            “Quatre,” Heero removed his hand from the door latch to his back.  It wasn’t a move to comfort him though.  It was more like a restraint.  “No.”

            For a moment, he marveled at Heero’s perception.  Was he really that transparent?

            Watering turquoise eyes looked up at him.  “Why?”  

                                                //I can’t give anymore…//  

            “You’re a Gundam pilot,” came the predictable answer.  “You’re the only one who can control Sandrock.  We need you.”

            “Why bother??  I don’t need Sandrock if I have nothing to protect!”

            Something that vaguely resembled compassion briefly flickered across Heero’s face, but it was instantly replaced with the sullen expression.  “You’re wrong, Quatre.  You have to fight until you find Trowa.”

            “You think he’s alive?”

            “No.  But you know he is.”

            There had been no body in the wreckage of the mobile suit, nor had there been one floating around through space.  Maybe Trowa had somehow been thrown from the suit by the explosion and was picked up by colony scrap collectors…?  Anything was possible, wasn’t it?

            “My mission…” he began slowly, peeling himself off Heero.  “…is to find Trowa Barton…” he yawned before he could finish and realized just how tired he really was.

            Without a word, Heero hoisted him up over his shoulder and stepped back into the suite.  He quietly made his was across the room, dropping his cargo onto the bed.  Heero picked the sheets up off the floor and began to tuck him back into bed.

            “Good night, Quatre,” he said, making the simple statement sound like an order.

            He had to giggle.  It was just ridiculous, Heero Yuy tucking him in as if he were four years old and attempting to wish him a good night.  “Sweet dreams, Heero.  Thank you.”

            Heero sort of grunted, and walked out of the suite, being sure to shut the door behind him.

            He curled up into his not-as-cold bed, wiping the remaining tear tracks from his face.  “Wait Trowa…I’ll find you…”  His lids fluttered shut over his large eyes and within seconds, he was asleep.  

                                                //Well, I can’t forget this evening,

                                                Or your face as you were leaving…//  

A supply and retrieval vessel just outside the rim of the colonies:  

            “….holy shit…this guy isn’t dead…!”

            “…sure?…”

            “…see…yourself!…breathing...but freezing…alive though…”

            “…--ey!  He’s awake!  I think…”

            Dazed green eyes blinked in confusion at his surroundings as he tried to put the world into focus.  He didn’t recognize the interior of where he was, nor did he know the man who was looming over him.  He also didn’t understand why he was so cold, or why he hurt so much.  Come to think of it, he didn’t even know who he was…

            “Hey, buddy!” the man above him hissed.  “You okay?”

            He didn’t know.

            “What’s yer name?” the man asked.  “Where you from?”

            “Quatre,” for some reason, that was the only word that made any sense or had any meaning, but he didn’t know why.

            “Eh?  Catra?” the man repeated, scrunching his face.

            “It’s French, you jackass!” came a voice from somewhere beyond his sight.  “It means ‘four’ or something like that.”

            “Ohhhhhhhh.  Are you from the L4 Colony?  Is that what you’re trying to say?”

            L4…L4…something…there was something about that name…something familiar, but it wouldn’t come to him.  “No,” he said, shaking his head.  “Quatre.”

            He knew that if he could just figure out what “quatre” was and why he felt that he desperately needed it, everything would be okay.  But it stayed away, far from his reach.

            “Look bud, ya gotta speak in something OTHER than French…”

            “Quatre,” he insisted.

            Heero…don’t…

            His eyes widened.  He wasn’t sure where that had come from, but it seemed important.  He took the guy’s hand in one of his frigid ones and smiled softly.  “Please don’t hurt Quatre…”

            The man gasped in surprise, not quite sure what to make of his request.  “Yeah…uh…sure…”

            He nodded and closed his eyes.  “Thank you…” the darkness quickly reclaimed him.  

                                    //But I guess that’s just the way the story goes…//                                                            

************  

Whaddya think?  The song’s a really nice song outta the 70s…shame it had nothing to do with the fic.  *falls over*  Gagh.  Well, at least it’s not Billy Joel…there’s an overload of him on this page…not that that’s a bad think or anything!  Drop me a line!  Tell me what you thought!  I wanna knoooooowwwww!!!!  

Mars (marsiechan@yahoo.com)