For once, everything was quiet at the Winner mansion. That is, until Duo burst in with a large, lumpy bundle under his arm. "Hee-koi!" The American boy zoomed over to his stone-faced lover and shoved the bundle right in Heero’s face. The dark Prussian eyes focused and Heero stared at the ugliest bulldog he had ever seen in his life.
Aside from being extremely ugly and nasty looking, it was also fatter than all five pilots *and* their gundams put together. Its legs were shorter than its body and the dog looked like he ran into a wall a couple thousand times, although one would wonder how when the dog could barely even walk. Not to mention that his breath could rival that of a skunk, or Wufei’s cooking.
The braided pilot hugged the bulldog and crowed, "Isn’t he great? I found him in an alley and I couldn’t resist taking him home! So, what should we name him, Hee-Chan?" Heero was sorely tempted to list all the names he had thought up in that instant but his suggestions weren’t very appropriate to say aloud, let alone name a dog.
"I know! We’ll call you Mr. Squashy Face!" Duo beamed and gave the bulldog a squeeze that could’ve popped its fat bulk like a balloon. "Aww… you’re soooo kawaii, Mr. Squashy Face! Hee-Chan, say hello to Mr. Squashy Face!" The bulldog was thrust in the Japanese boy’s face for the second time that day. What came out of the pilot’s mouth was decidedly not hello. "Omae o korosu."
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"He’s, um, very nice, Duo," Quatre said politely. Trowa took one look at the dog that easily outweighed Duo and raised his eyebrow in a look that clearly said, ‘I respect animals very much, but this is *not* an animal.’ Wufei wasn’t as subtle. "Maxwell no baka!"
About two hours of debating, uh, squabbling, the five teens finally decided to put "Mr. Squashy Face" in the backyard. And after two more hours of pushing, shoving, cursing, and whatnot, they finally managed to get the bulldog outside.
They all watched as Mr. Squashy Face waddled around the well-kept garden. He sniffed a tree. He took a leak on several of Iria’s roses. He waddled around some more. Finally his tiny legs gave out from under him and he plopped to the ground, snoring before he even hit the grass. The five pilots blinked and Trowa scratched his head. "Well that was… interesting." "Iria’s going to kill me."
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Not even an hour after they left their newest pet in Quatre’s backyard, Duo burst back in with Mr. Squashy Face tucked under his arm like an overstuffed sleeping bag. "He was lonely." Was his excuse. Duo plunked his bottom down next to Heero, cuddling the bulldog and making funny baby noises. "Aw… you’re so cute, Mr. Squashy Face! Gootchie gootchie goo!" Heero felt like throwing up, Quatre was snickering behind his hand, Wufei was looking at Duo as if he had lost his Shinigami-obsessed mind, and Trowa… just sat there. However, if one looked very closely, they would see a muscle in his cheek twitching.
After ten minutes of listening to the DeathScythe’s pilot’s disgusting baby talk, Trowa quickly mumbled some excuse and dragged Quatre off with him. Wufei bolted, saying he had to pay his respects to his ancestors. Heero tried to follow the other three’s example, but Duo had latched onto his arm at some point and wouldn’t let go.
After struggling for half an hour, Heero finally gave up and was forced to put up with Duo’s inane babbling and cooing for quite some time. Later, at around 11:30 that night, "Duo! Put that damn dog down and let’s go to bed!"
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Quatre was having one of the strangest dreams of his teenage life. Something wet kept dripping on his face and it wouldn’t go away. "Trowa?" He opened his eyes and stared into a face that could’ve really used a plastic surgeon at the moment. "AAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
His tall lover sat bolt upright to find Quatre cringing against the headboard. Trowa took one look at Mr. Squashy Face before picking him up and hauling him to Duo and Heero’s room. The French boy unceremoniously dumped onto the bed, knocking the wind out of Heero, and stalked out saying, "Tell him to leave my Quatre alone."
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Early that morning, the pilots were awakened by another piercing scream. Wufei came dashing out his bathroom, with only a towel around his waist. His face was rather red and the Chinese boy glowered at Duo. "Maxwell, get that beast out of my bathroom!" "Aw, come on, Wu-Chan, he probably just wanted a bath." "Get him out, NOW!"
The American boy came back out, clutching a very wet and smelly Mr. Squashy Face in his arms. "Did Mr. Squashy Face want a bath? Yes you did!" Heero knew he would probably skip breakfast that morning.
After breakfast, Duo asked Heero to come walk the dog with him. Wufei had already gone off and Trowa wouldn’t let Quatre near the dog after that little incident the other night. "Duo, there is no way I am going to walk that, that, thing!" "Aww, onegaaaaaiiii, Hee-koi?"
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Heero found himself walking down the street, clutching a leash in one hand. The other hand held a second leash, namely Duo’s braid. The braided boy himself was bouncing down the sidewalk, as opposed to Mr. Squashy Face who was more or less rolling after him.
Mr. Squashy Face suddenly stopped and decided to take a piss on a nearby fire hydrant. A fat hind leg rose up and he did his business. Of course, his legs were too short and it looked like he was lying down. The two pilots stared spellbound as they watched the little yellow stream go on and on and on and on and on and on…
When he was finally done emptying his bladder, Heero grabbed his chestnut haired partner and continued down the street, dragging Mr. Squashy Face after him. Seconds later, he stopped to take another leak on a neighbor’s daisies.
Three hours and 129 potty breaks later, about two blocks from the Winner estate, Mr. Squashy Face decided to pee again… on Heero’s yellow sneakers. "OMAE O KOROSU!!!"
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Quatre and Trowa were snuggling on the couch when Duo zoomed in, panting and just barely holding onto Mr. Squashy Face. The blond boy tried to get, but Trowa pushed him back against his seat and pointed his gun at the apparently inanimate dog. Duo shoved the bulldog into the startled pilot’s arms and clutched onto Quatre like a life preserver. Which he was when the situation involved a pissed off Hee-Chan.
Speaking of which… Heero stomped in, eyes smoldering and shooting sparks. Trowa opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it as the rank of dog pee suddenly hit. Trowa turned green to match his eyes, dropped Mr. Squashy Face like a rock, and swore. The dog hit the carpet with a dull ‘thump’ and snorted. Duo, Quatre, Heero, and Trowa all watched in horror as the ridiculously tiny hind leg raised up and took direct aim… at the Perfect Soldier. "Rashid’s going to kill me."
Tinkle, tinkle, drip, drip, and "DUO!!! I AM GONNA KILL THAT *BEEP* DOG!!!" *******************************************************************************
Wufei crossed his tanned arms over his chest and watched as Heero alternately sulked and glared from beneath the bubbles on his dark brown hair. "That mutt could’ve been worse." "Onegai, please *do* tell me." The pilot of Wing Zero muttered, the sarcasm thick in his toneless voice.
Not only had the dog been able to piss from seven feet away and still drench him, it didn’t help that he had gotten it all over Quatre’s Oriental carpet. The Chinese boy thought for a brief moment and said rather lamely, "He could’ve done number two?" The glare he received in return would’ve killed him in his present life, and the next five lives to come.
The black haired boy rolled his onyx eyes as Heero sunk deeper into the water and moaned, "I hate that dog."
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Personally, Wufei also thought that Duo wasn’t taking any of this very seriously. Remembering the incident in his shower that morning, he glowered and settled into his bed.
The Chinese pilot was rudely jolted awake by a heavy weight on his back. He craned his head over his shoulder to the very unwelcome sight of Mr. Squashy Face’s butt right in his face, rear leg raised to the high heavens. "Oh no, by Nataku, no…"
Duo woke up to a strangled scream. Running his hand through his rumpled braid and mumbling about something happening at such an ungodly hour, he lurched over to the source of the noise, Wufei’s room. Trowa and Quatre had also heard the scream and came to investigate. Heero opened the door- and gagged. Wufei was standing over the bulldog, holding his katana. His face and hair was dripping wet, the other four could only guess what.
Duo peered in and shrieked, "Mr. Squashy Face!" Wufei wiped his dripping face and glared daggers at the boy. "He just pissed on my face, and all you can think about is the overgrown lump?!" Holding his nose and fanning the smell away, Quatre prudently stepped between the two. Taking hold of the Chinese boy’s shoulders, the small blond steered him into the bathroom saying, "Get cleaned up, we’ll just make sure he stays outside. Right Duo?"
The Arabian youth glanced pointedly at said pilot and before Duo could launch into one of his endless babbles, Heero clapped his hand over his lover’s mouth and dragged both and the dog from the room mumbling, "Sure, we’lljustputhimoutrightnow!"
Wufei huffed indignantly and slammed the bathroom door. The two lovers started back for their room. Trowa looped an arm around his angel and murmured softly, "We’d tear each other apart without you here, love." "Sometimes I wonder if that would be better."
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The next day, Trowa was busy repaving the walkway. The HeavyArms pilot took one look at all of what still had to be paved and he groaned. Still, he kept on at it, that is, until he heard a very familiar sniff. "What the-" Just as he turned around to look, Mr. Squashy Face jumped onto his back and knocked Trowa facefirst into the freshly paved cement.
Wiping chunks of mortar off his face, Trowa finally lost his temper. He whipped out his gun and was just about to fire when Duo glomped onto him from behind, causing him to miss and hit some unfortunate chicken two hundred miles away. "Don’t shoot him, Trowa, onegaaaaiii! I love that dog and he’s so kawaii and-" Trowa promptly stuffed Duo’s braid in his mouth and sighed. "Okay, just leave me alone." "ARIGATO!!!"
Quatre came out to see how Trowa was doing and to offer some help, but when he saw his tall lover with cement all over his face and chest and the new walkway ruined, the Arabian grabbed Trowa and led him inside muttering, "My whole family’s going to kill me."The braided pilot bounced off, Mr. Squashy Face under one arm and an assortment of toys in the other. "Hee-koi, let’s play with Mr. Squashy Face!" "Not on your life!"
Heero snorted impatiently and threw the ball across the yard. "Go fetch." He told the dog flatly. Mr. Squashy Face just sat there. A vein in his forehead popped and he threw a second ball and said, "Fetch." The bulldog continued to sit there. The vein started to turn purple as Heero threw a third ball and growled out, "Get the ball." Mr. Squashy Face yawned.
Heero slammed the fourth all on the ground and yelled at Duo, "The stupid dog can’t even fetch, you baka!" Duo shrieked and grabbed Heero’s head. "LOOK! He’s got the ball!" Mr. Squashy Face simply lowered his lumpy head and picked up the ball, or at least tried to. The American boy picked him up and gushed, "You’re so great! I love you so much!!!" Heero muttered, "He can’t fetch a ball two inches from him, the fat lug."
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Trowa glared as Quatre climbed into bed and said, "At least the pavement hadn’t already hardened or you wouldn’t have been so lucky." "Who’s saying I’m lucky?" The brown haired boy snapped, uncharacteristically sarcastic since the morning’s little incident. "Trowa, what’s done is done. Come to bed now." An evil smirk lit up his face. "Gladly."
Duo wriggled under the sheets as he felt Heero’s hand close around his braid. "Hee-koi?" "Nani?" "No nookie?" "I never thought you’d ask." Within five minutes, both boys were completely naked. Heero was on top of Duo, still holding his braid in his hand and sucking on Duo’s nipple. It was about then he felt something sharp clamp onto his perfectly toned, not to mention tanned, rear. He knew what it was without turning around but he did anyway. Sure enough, Mr. Squashy Face was dangling in midair, teeth stuck in Heero’s butt.
An assorted color of veins popped out of Hero’s neck and forehead. "DUO, THAT DOES IT!!! THIS *BEEP* DOG IS OUT OF HERE!!!" "Aww, Hee-koi!" The other three pilots rushed out of their rooms to find Heero climbing into the car, wearing only a sheet,. He tossed the bulldog in the backseat, not caring that it landed on its head and sped off. Wufei shook his head and went back inside. Duo pouted but then looked out Trowa and Quatre, who both had a sheet around their bodies. "You guys too, huh?"
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Heero parked the car by an animal shelter and stormed in. A young girl his age was sitting at the front desk, looking rather bored because anyone would get bored if they were working the night shift. "Can I help you?" She mumbled. Heero squinted at the nametag on her shirt. LiLi. "Can you get rid of this dog for me?" He growled and stuck Mr. Squashy Face on her desk.
LiLi smiled, her black bangs bobbing slightly. "Sure! What’s his name?" "Mr. Squashy Face. Do me a favor and put him to sleep." The Japanese boy wrapped the sheet around him tighter and walked out. "Now to get back to Duo…"
A foxy grin lifted the corners of her mouth as LiLi watched the boy go. "Heero Yuy, Gundam Pilot 01, I will be doing you the biggest favor of your life." She picked up the dog and walked off saying, "Relena-Sama’s gonna love you."
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About five days later, a large pink box was delivered to Relena Peacecraft, the Queen of the World. She crowed with glee when she saw that it was from Heero. "How nice- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"
Later, that day, she was rushed to the hospital to be treated for dog bites. Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei and the rest of the world watched with smug grins as she glared at the TV screen and yelled, "HEERO, OMAE O KOROSU!!!" LiLi smiled, two reddish fox ears poking out of her black hair. "Ninmu kanryou."
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How do you like it? I know I probably overdid it on the pee thing but it seemed like a good idea at the time! Email, email, email!!!