Miss Otis Regrets She’s Unable to Lunch Today
Song by: Kirsty MacColl and the Pogues
Fic by: Lena Ban Obsidian

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the Gundam Charas, and in the show there are no definite signs of yuri or yaoi –ism, nor is there any hint at ANY time of cross dressing and the other random things I’ve dropped in here. Because I don’t want flames, and neither does my pal the host, so remember: Thisis all just for fun. It’s supposed to be funny, I don’t know how everyone elsewill take it.

A young maiden is seen knocking fervently on the doors of a mansion. Upon closer inspection, we discover that the ‘maiden’ is a slim youth with blond hair and a lovely gypsy skirt on, shaded red, and he is wearing a nice white lacy blouse to go with it…but back to that slim plot line…

After the door finally opens, and the young ‘maiden’ is admitted in, s/he rushes in to the tea parlor where four women are delicately supping. They are a regal looking bunch, and each turns equally haughty eyes upon the young, much lower class ‘maiden.’ In a lovely gray dress that looks like it’s satin, with a tiara of sapphires upon her head, sits Dorothy, a condescending smile on her face. She exchanges a glance with the similarly clad Noin, whose dress is a becoming lavender instead of the gray Dorothy sports.

The older woman shrugs and glances to the other two women, Catherine and Hilde.

The former is in green tights, a loose, frilly, silver dress shirt, and a billowing, lacy, darker-green overskirt.

She seems distracted- no help there. The latter is, however, in a pair of black pants, a militaristic purple overcoat, and a gray shirt, an amused half-smile on her face. Hilde absently pinches the ‘maiden’s little behind, making her/him jump and then blush, stepping away.

“What is it, sweet thing?” Hilde asks this in her best sexy-growl-almost-threatening voice. Swallowing hard, Quatre begins to relay his urgent message.

Miss PeaceCraft regrets she’s unable to lunch today

Hilde pointedly raises an eyebrow, and Catherine raises a dagger. Hastily, Quatre adds,

Madam

Seemingly satisfied, the two more aggressive of the ladies motion for her/him to go on. Gaining a tiny bit of courage,

Miss PeaceCraft regrets she’s unable to lunch today
She is sorry to be delayed
But last evening down on lover’s lane she strayed

Dorothy gasps, eyes widening. Quatre notices her knuckles whitening on the arm of her chair and wishes fervently that s/he could be somewhere else.

Madam
Miss PeaceCraft regrets she’s unable to lunch today

Noin sighs, cocking an eyebrow. “Can you tell us a few more details, sweetling, or shall I have you call in someone else who knows more of the matter?” Quatre half-opens her/his mouth to respond when Hilde cuts in.

“Call in that Heero girl, the one that’s her personal servant. S/he’ll know what’s happened.” Directing a pointed glare at Quatre, she continues. “And if s/he doesn’t, we shall do a bit of…research.”

I am not willing to argue with that tone, Quatre thinks in fear, dashing away to fetch Heero. The four ladies absently converse as they wait, calling in Catherine’s servant, the smartly dressed Trowa, for more tea. She strokes his face and tells him that he’s a very good boy (he’s wearing a nice, shnazzy black suit) in the way a person speaks to a dog. As he leaves the room, Trowa grits his teeth and tries not to whirl around and leap for Catherine, thinking: Ever since she got her new puppy three weeks ago…

Quatre drags a reluctant Heero into the room, and even the ladies, who seem to be enjoying all this, gawk. The stoic boy…err, girl…is clad in a mini-skirt and sleeveless shirt. It looks like Quatre found him while he was washing dishes.

The four ladies pester Heero for details and, sighing, he reveals them.

When she woke up and found
That her dream of love was gone
Madam

Dorothy seems fairly pissed right now, but Heero continues blithely on. Quatre thinks in confusion; Lady Relena and Miss Dorothy? Odd…

She ran to the man
Who had led her so far astray

Flash Back Sequence

Relena running down the streets in splendiferous attire, crying her leetle eyes out. She comes skidding up to a stripper bar and bashes her way inside, anger stoking higher and higher; Wufei and Duo, who are serving drinks, direct her to the back. She storms in on a half-naked Zechs and completely naked Treize.

For a moment, she is speechless.

“You’re sleeping with my BROTHER?” She finally manages. Bashfully, Treize nods.

And from under her velvet gown
She drew a gun and shot her lover down

(Heero seems to take relish in telling this part.) Treize slumps over, and when Zechs tries to ask her what the hell she thinks she’s doing, she pulls that lovely trigger one more time. Boom, bye bye brother. Wufei and Duo, who have sneaked in to watch, give each other the thumbs up sign- no more Zechs and his hideous drink-not-pay habits.

Madam
Miss PeaceCraft regrets she’s unable to lunch today

Dorothy doesn’t seem quite so mad now. The other three seem rather disgusted, but every one motions for Heero to continue.

When the mob came and got her
And dragged her from the jail
Madam

Catherine smirks at the thought of a mob carrying off their Relena…she certainly wouldn’t have minded seeing that. Surely plenty of the girl’s thighs had been in view…

They strung her upon
The old willow across the way

All six people turn to look out the window and strain to see the willow spoken of. It isn’t in view.

And the moment before she died
She lifted up her lovely head and cried

Heero pauses, receiving death glares from all four ladies that even he couldn’t hope to match. Grudgingly, he adds:

Madam
“Miss PeaceCraft regrets she’s unable to lunch today.”

Catherine and Hilde exchange looks, Dorothy and Noin exchange looks, and all four women turn predatory looks on those two delectable young servants of theirs and growl.

Wide-eyed, the boys run, leaving the quartet to laugh, until Sally, another servant, and Une, her lady, appear. Everyone feels the need for a massive…ahem…author takes a break to lunch…har har…and wonders what to do about this little gnarl…

Quatre and Heero later meet up with Trowa, having decided that listening to those girls make strange noises was waaaayyy too unsettling for them.

“Let’s blow a few things up, and try what they did,” Heero suggests. The other two shrug.

“Okay.”

~Twisted End~

Epilogue: By some strange twist of fate, the five ladies (and their female servant) rose up and took control of the world. They brought unending peace and happiness to the land, the end.

You know, I've been told I'm the master of songfics by someone. D'you think so? (bats her eyes) Hehe...

~Lena