I walked of the bus and proceeded towards Hildey's house. She could have had a trap ready for me but I ignored that fact and knocked on the door carelessly. That's when she opened the door. I blinked twice. For some weird reason I was sort of attracted to her. I turned away thinking how wrong that was but I was in no way in love with her that was for sure. I knew that I loved only one person…Duo Maxwell.

"Hello Heero Yuy what is it that you wanted?" sheasked. Even though that is true I proceeded to Kiss Hildey. It felt so wrong yet so right. I couldn't control half my thoughts, which was awfully strangefor the perfect soldier.

Hildey put her hand to her cheek and smiled at me. Her face was bright red and I was confused already so I decided that I would add to it a little I guess. "Hiya Hildey ya okay?" I asked in shock of how bad mygrammar was. I shook it off figuring it was Duo's fault.

"Yeah I'm fine Heero are *you* feeling okay?" she asked holding her cheek as though a lost memory wascoming back.

"Yeah I am fine…" I mumbled in my usual monotone.

"Well then…" she started moving out of the way of the door. "Come in!" She started to walk deep into the house and I just followed. Once we reached a living room we sat down on two separate couches. I was across from her. "Now what did you have to tellme?" she asked sweetly.

"I was wondering if you knew what happened to Duo…why he hasn't asked you for the information about stealth mode and the new found torture…" I askedlowering my head.

"Well he already knows about the torture part and he probably didn't get the stealth mode information because he's a laid back lazy guy!" answered Hildey as she smiled at the thought of *MY* Duo.

"No that's not it at all…" my voice trailed off.

"Nani? Well what is it then?" asked the thingirl.

"Duo is…Shinigami is…there is no longer a Deathsythe pilot." I said trying to get the words out. She just gave me a confused look. "Duo died from the torture. I am pretty sure it was the last one with the steel blade that did it. When he came back he was still bleeding and I didn't even notice… It's my fault he died and that he died crying."

Hildey blinked twice then started to slowly cry as my words set in. "But how…why am I asking how they did thousands of things to him that he passed out for. Why him? He was the nicest guy I knew…"

"According to the mission log it said you told him he killed innocent people. It doesn't seem to me you thought he was the nicest guy then." I said trying to keep my monotone when all I really wanted to do was say I'm sorry but I will always be in your heart. What was I thinking though after all I am still aliveand was never like 'that' with her.

"True Heero…very true and for that I am sorry…" said Hildey between sobs. I got up and sat next to her. I started rubbing her back and making comforting sounds. "Thank you Duo…" she whispered as she started to smile. She turned to look at me then realized I wasn't Duo at all. That instead I was the oneDuo…loved…

"I am sorry but I am not Duo…" I said finallygetting my monotone back.

"Oh yes, gomen. So why did you come here besides to tell me about Duo?" she asked coolly trying to stopher tears.

"Well it's about the stealth mode…we need all the information we can get on it. Since Duo's mission was a failure and it's been six months we are afraid of how much further the people working on this project could have gotten." I said still rubbing her back forsome reason.

"Well it is almost complete but I've been trying to slow them down all I could for Duo's sake. But I almost got caught a few times because I got careless. But as it is there are hundreds of scientists working on this matter and I think it's going to take them longer because they started arguing about stupid things that have to do with the system. Like who it should be named after and what color. Stupid things…"said Hildey.

I nodded to her and tried to guess how long it would take them to figure those things out. There was still one more question I wanted to ask her but I decided that maybe we should go to that coffee shopplace first.

"Should we go to that coffee shop?" I asked stillkeeping my monotone.

"Yes. Do you like Starbucks?" she asked. I nodded not really caring because I probably wouldn't get anything. We walked down the street to the Starbucks place and I had a dark coffee and I decided to get a chocolate desert thing for some reason. Hildey got a tall, single, nonfat latte. ((Karosai'snote: Just how I have them ^^))

Well after we had our coffee I suggested we go back to her place for a little while. I also added I had one more question and she just nodded calmly even though I knew she wanted to cry some more about Duo. Once we got there we sat back in the places where wehad the first time.

"So what did you want to ask me Heero?" asked Hildey as she sat down and made herself comfortable.

I smiled. "I wanted to know where I could find the doctors who killed Duo." I said back in mybeautiful monotone.

"Some of them are working on the stealth mode…well most of them are. Uh…let me think what were their names. There was Dr. Motaki, Dr. Bradley, and Dr. Sowa were the main doctors and there were a lot of others that sat back and watched from the observation room." She said about to cry again.

I handed her a tissue then said, "Who was the oneDuo nick named Fred?"

"That would be Dr. Motaki. Why do you ask?"

I smirked a little bit. "Because that's the one that caused him the most pain isn't it?" She nodded sadly. "Well I am sorry Hildey but I need to go. Trowa and Quatre will get worried if I am gone tolong."

She nodded. "But can I ask you one question before you leave?" I nodded. "Why…" she grabbed my wrists and held them at her eye level. "Why are youdoing this to yourself?"

I was sort of shocked that she had noticed. But I said I would answer the question so I did. "Because I want to die and join Duo. Or I want to bleed so I know I am alive. One or the other. I am not really sure myself but I am the happiest I have ever beenwhen I do cut them."

Hildey was surprised at my answer. 'He really does love him then.' She thought. ((Karosai's note: I know Heero can't read thoughts but I like writing in first person but I also have to add people's thoughts here and there to so be nice.))

I waved goodbye and kissed Hildey on the cheek before I left. The look on her face was surprised and happy when I did this and she whispered Duo's name again, which was sort of surprising. I took the bus home and once I was home I walked into the kitchen because I smelt something yummy being cooked.

"Yummy…Quatre that smells great!" I said sticking my nose into the kitchen. It smelled like steak! I slowly walked into the room and instead of seeing Quatre cook I saw Trowa giving him tongue. Of course they didn't notice I was in there, which was rather rude if you ask me. "Get a room." I said angrily trying not to look at them. I don't know why I said that because I knew they were both virgins. I know Trowa was ready to get rid of that anytime but he would never force Quatre to do anything he didn’t wantto.

"Oh gomen Heero I didn't notice you were here." Said Quatre turning the brightest red I have ever seen. Trowa also blushed which made him look sort of cute like a little boy. I had never seen him blush before so it was sort of weird…

"How are your wrists doing?" the Italian askedcoolly.

"Eh they are good enough." I said not letting him know I wanted to slit them again.

Quatre was a little worried when he heard I cutthem again. He couldn't get used to the fact I did it everyday or more. "Heero! Why do you do such foolishthings?"

I just shrugged. If it wasn't obvious that I wanted to join Duo yet keep my promise then I don't know what else I could say to him. So instead I juststayed silent.

"Heero!" whined the blonde.

Trowa gave me the look as though he understood. I don't know how he did it but he understood everyone he met. I nodded to him and then smelt the steak some more. For some weird reason Quatre was frying it. Well I walked to it and smelled the four steaks. I figured that meant WuFei was here somewhere. I turned to Quatre and Trowa to ask them where he was but instead I found them in another lip lock.

I shook my head and proceeded to my laptop where I could look at my files…and pictures of Duo that I scanned secretly. I personally would prefer not having Quatre telling me how cute it was and WuFei calling me a weakling. I didn't really care if Trowa found out because all he would do is understand. Some how I felt he already knew and that he knew everything about everyone, which was sort of scary.

I looked through the pictures and all of which Duowas smiling in except…when he was with me… There were a few he was with smiling and me in it with him. But there were VERY few. I just decided that all I did was make him sad and worried. I shook my head and then opened a word document and started typing away. I wrote down everything that I had learned from Hildey even though there wasn't much. Dr. Motaki was my main target and Dr. Bradley and Dr. Sowa were my secondary targets. It didn't matter TOO much if I didn'tsucceed in killing them.

I put down my laptop when I saw Trowa walk into the room. "The food is ready if you want to eat." He said almost silently. I nodded but I just had to add a comment about the previous make out scene that theywere having.

"As long as you try to keep your tongue in you mouth." I said unconsciously. Trowa just turned bright red as he walked with me to the kitchen.

"Gomen Heero…" the blushing Italian said. He took a seat next to where Quatre was sitting and I took a seat on the opposite side of Quatre-sama.

Quatre smiled at our presence and was especially happy that Trowa was there. I glanced at them for a second till I realized that Quatre was so happy he started another make out session with Trowa. I looked away and started eating my fried steak? Well the steak tasted fine but I was starting to get scared that Trowa and Quatre would forget about their food and the fact that I am right in front of them and start… Well I knew that wouldn't happen…or at least hopped it wouldn't happen. Because like I said before Trowa would never make Quatre do anything he didn't want to. And I knew Quatre wouldn't make the firstmove to…

Anyway they sort of started getting to close for me but luckily WuFei walked in and started laughing at the sight of me hiding my face and Trowa and Quatre making out on the table. Luckily no one's food was ran over. Personally I was surprised that Trowa had enough skill to make Quatre avoid running over the cheesecake, steak, jello, salad, and other things thatwe were eating.

"Hey you two! What do you think you are about to do on the table? And especially in front of poor Heero over there!" said WuFei trying not to laugh.

Trowa stopped making out with Quatre and looked up. Then he looked around and noticed me covering my face and WuFei laughing his @$$ off. Quatre also raised his head to see why Trowa stopped and realizedwhere they were too.

"Oh gomen…" they said in unison as they both turned bright red. Trowa got off the table first thenhelped Quatre down.

WuFei smirked as he sat down next to Trowa. After that there was one seat left…Duo's… I wanted to cry but I was the Perfect Soldier and refused to showemotion.

"So Trowa how do you and Quatre always avoid running over our food like that?" asked the Chinesepilot.

Trowa and Quatre both blushed some more then Trowa answered, "I don't really know…"

WuFei smiled then hit Trowa on the back. "So you two are becoming professionals are you? Well I mean it isn't unusual for you two to have a make out session before dinner but please don't do that in front of Heero. It's weird to see him blush and sortof scary."

I just then realized I had been blushing while they were kissing. I felt my face and it was very warm. I wish Duo had been there so I could have started a make out session of my own.

After WuFei pestered the two pilots some more he looked at me for a moment then noticed my wrists. And of course he had to say his catch fraise. "Weakling."

I ignored him because that was the only thing I could think of to do. He stared at how bloody the cloth was. And I had only changed it a few hours ago.

"Why is it that you do such stupid things?" heasked.

None of them understood my reasons because none of them have lost the most important things in their lives. Or the first and only thing they ever loved and it was getting a little annoying getting lectured for things they didn't understand. ((CK'S note: Like why I am always on the computer. I don't have a clue why I made Heero suicidal but I just thought of what I would do if I made a promise to live to the only thing I lived for as it died. Thus Heero's wrists get chopped up. Gross huh? So kids don't try to killyourselves ~_-!))

"It's not stupid WuFei. What did you do when your wife died?" I asked him. He fell silent because he went just a little crazy when his wife died so he sortof had an idea.

"Heero…you shouldn’t hurt yourself." Said Quatre.

"Well Quatre what did you do when your father and your sister died?" I asked in a monotone.

"I almost killed Trowa…" said Quatre weakly. After that he fell silent too.

"Heero…why are you bringing things up about other people?" asked Trowa starting to care for the whimpering Quatre. "You may think this will help them understand but the truth is you know it's different. They both have many things they care for and you onlyhad one."

I nodded. "True and you had nothing till recently right no name?" I asked him bringing up his past.

"Yes that is true. I now have Quatre and my sister Catherine. And no name isn't very fitting anymore Heero." Answered Trowa in his cool and calmvoice.

"I agree. But I am just giving them a sense of the pain and a little bit of an explanation." I answered. After that I got up and left the table so I could go stare at my pictures of Duo that I hid on mycomputer.

A few minutes later Trowa appeared in my doorway. "You are going to defeat the doctor tonight aren't you? Don't you think you should get prepared instead of staring mindlessly at Duo's pictures? After all you will want to leave soon. That is if you don't want to get there tomorrow morning."

I nodded then proceeded to get ready. Trowa walked out of the room and then I got dressed. Before I got dressed though I decided I should re-wrap my wrists so I could hear less complaints from the other pilots. I walked over to the windowsill and looked out. As I started wrapping my wrists up again I felt his presence. I could feel that Duo, Shinigami, wasin the room with me.

"Duo…?" I asked as I started to turn around.

'Don't…don’t turn around.' He said into my head.

"But…I want to see you, to touch you, to be with you." I said starting to turn around again.

Once again he stopped me. 'Stop.'

"Stop what?" I asked.

'Stop everything. Stop trying to look at me. Stop cutting you wrists and trying to kill yourself. I don't want to be any sadder then I already am Heero. If you die then we won't be together.' He whispered. I could tell he was leaning against the wall and hisusual smile wasn't there.

"What do you mean we won't be together?" I asked quietly. There was a cold shiver in my voice.

'If you kill yourself you will go to your own personal hell. The one that you created in your head. All the fears you have ever had will become a reality. But if you die naturally then we can be together…' he said with his voice drifting off.

"What do you mean 'we can be together'. Is there a possibility we won't?" I said worried.

'Heero…I am Shinigami… I don't die only my human shell does… Duo died from torture and now I am like a ghost, I have no true form…' said Duo. He sounded like Duo and I wondered if he looked like Duo. I tried to turn around again. 'Stop Heero if you see what form I choose to take on then you might beconfused!'

I turned anyway and what I found was a faded Duo holding a scythe. He was in all black, as usual and had a wistful look about him. He really wasShinigami.

"Duo…? You are Duo…" I said ignoring the fact that he for sure would be the real one to take mylife.

'Heero no. I told you not to turn around because you could never understand why I took this form.' Said Duo with a worried expression.

"Why then?" I asked getting off the windowsill and walking towards him. He stepped back.

'I wanted to look like Duo because…' his voicedrifted off and this was not helping me understand onebit.

"Because why?" I continued to ask.

'Because I love you and you love Duo…' heanswered. He looked ready to cry.

I walked up to him. We were only an inch away. I grabbed onto his back and pulled him closer to me. "Shinigami…you have a body form which I can pull closeto me…" I whispered.

'Yes…or else I wouldn't be able to take lives.' Answered Shinigami. I kissed him and he dropped thescythe in surprise. 'You…'

"I don’t love Duo Maxwell." I said calmly. Shinigami looked even sadder at that moment. "I love *YOU* " I continued.

Shinigami looked shocked for a second. 'You love the thing that is supposed to kill you?' he asked mein disbelief.

"You were the one who was inside of Duo all alongwere you not?"

'Yes…'

"And I fell in love with Shinigami not Shinigami's body. Well even though I do like Shinigami's body and all…" I said starting to unconsciously check Duo out.

'Heero watch where your eyes go!' he said a littleupset with me.

I snapped out of it. "Oh gomen." I replied.

'There's no problem.' Said Shinigami wrapping his arms around me. 'I wonder why he doesn't take it as to big of a shock that I am death. Maybe it’s because all his life he's wished for death…I heard his wishes the entire time but I refused to grant them because I fell in love with the monotone speaking pilot. That's why I took on the form of Duo Maxwell. The boy who believed in me and who was destined to cross paths with Heero Yuy… or Odin Lowe Jr.'

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Shinigami's Memory ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"The only god I believe in is Shinigami! The God of Death." Said Duo.

I looked down at him. 'This boy is destined to cross paths with the boy who is always raped and is always wishing for death. Maybe he will let me live in him…' I thought to myself. I was very selfish andwanted to body to myself.

I watched and waited till sister Helen took Duo to go to sleep. I watched and waited till the time I could ask him to share his body. Days went by when finally Duo came back to the Maxwell church and saw that the Priest was dying and Sister Helen was being harassed. I watched the boy accept getting a mobile suit for the pilots that were there. And I watched him bring it back and see that Sister Helen was at her last breath and the Priest was dead. Finally when the young Duo broke out in tears I appeared before him.

"Who…who are you?" he asked between sobs.

'I am Shinigami.' I said speaking to his heart.

"Is it time for me to die?" he asked almost happy.

'No not at all.' The boy frowned. 'I wanted…' I paused because I sensed something was wrong.

A mobile suit started shooting at Duo when he wasn't even prepared to fight. The mobile suit he was in exploded and all that was left was him, his shell. He was still partially alive and I knew I could either take his life or live in him. I knew my choice was selfish but when I saw the Japanese pilot who prayed to me for death I had no other choice but to make theselfish one.

I looked at the young boy who was bleeding. "Are you…sure your not going to take my life?" he asked.

'Yes. I wanted to know if you would let me live in you. You are destined to meet with someone I love and I wanted the chance to be with him.' I whispered hopping the young boy would allow me to.

"You? You are gay Shinigami?" he asked me sort ofconfused.

'I guess so. So may I?' I proceeded to ask.

The young boy looked ready to die and he felt unbelievable pain throughout him. "Yes Shinigami. I want to meet the one that Shinigami loves. But if you ever take my braid out I'll-"

'Don't worry. Your braid will stay in contact and you will live in your body with me. So if I ever do something you don’t agree with just seek revenge onme!' I said to the boy.

He laughed. "Yes I will mess up your love life. But promise you'll let me come out and play every nowand then!"

'Of course.' I said. I then entered his body and took on the form of Duo Maxwell. All his wounds healed as I entered him and all the pain went away. In that body was two people. The fun loving DuoMaxwell whom loved Hildey and loved Heero secretly. And then me, Shinigami, the one who took people's lives when it was needed. Who was in love with Heero Yuy, Odin Lower Jr., and no one else. And the one who caused Duo to act out of character. It was me who was always frowning around Heero because no one got Heero except me. I wouldn't even allow Duo to touch him even though I knew he too loved him. And I knew Heero loved Duo so I tried to act like him the best I could…but I usually ended up frowning…

I had to take Duo's life for one reason…it was time for him to die. I wanted not to cause him anymore pain and suffering then I already had. After all I was me who made the foolish mistake of enteringhis body…

~*~*~*~*~*~ Back to a Cruel Thing Called Reality~*~*~*~*~*~

((Karosai's note: Back to Hee-chan's words.))

"Why am I not scared of you huh? Well isn't it obvious? First of all I want to die and second of all…I love you Shinigami or Duo Maxwell or whoever you are." I said leaning in to kiss Shinigami.

Shinigami backed away from me. 'Heero no…you are not going to die and you are NOT going to kiss me.'

I remained confused. I never saw Duo have such an upsetting look on his face. Instead I stopped what I as doing and sat down. I said like the baka I am,"Fine I understand. Leave."

He looked like he was about to fight back then whispered, 'I should have never come. You should have never turned around… We should have never beentogether…'

His words hurt more then anything else. It was worse then getting smashed by a Gundam. But before I could say I was sorry he left. Disappeared while I was holding him in my arms. It's true I the "Perfect Soldier" had one flaw. And that was Shinigami or DuoMaxwell…whoever he was…

I walked to my bed and sat down there for a moment. He told me to stop it. Stop hurting others and myself. How was I supposed to listen to the one who left me? It seemed impossible to go on and that’s why I started crying. That was the second time…well maybe the fourth time in my life I had ever truly cried. Once when my parents died. Once when Dr. J. first raped me. The third time was when Duo died and the fourth time was when Shinigami left me alone…

My eyes were filled with tears and I couldn't stop crying. I ran to my bed and buried my face in my pillow. I almost thought that Shinigami had come back and whispered he was sorry into my ear. But I didn't look up. I didn't want to be any sadder then Ialready was.

"DUO! COME KILL ME!" I shouted in a scratchy voice. I felt a lot like Relina but there was one difference. I wanted to die not just see Shinigami…

~*~*~*~ End of Part Two ~*~*~*~

Hiya do you people out there hate me yet? If notyour weird I mean I am torturing bishies! Yes I do have problems because I wrote this fic when I was hyper. And I have a lot more to write @_@ I mean Heero has to seek revenge doesn't he? Well if ya got any bright ideas (I NEED THEM) e-mail me at TrowaBartonsGirl@yahoo.com PLEASE HELP ME!