Duo-punzel

by Mars



Basically the result of a caffeine high and too many 2x5s…not that that’s ever a bad thing, ne?  ^_~


   

Once upon a time, in a far away land, lived a farmer named Trowa and his uh…”wife” Quatre.  They were a happy couple who spent their days farming, their nights blasting apart secret military bases in their Gundams, however they had one minor problem.  Because they were a same-sex pairing, Trowa and his “wife” Quatre could not have a child, and it upset them very deeply.  Who would they pass the legacy of the magical uni-bang spike or the sweet doe eyes??  Who would they pass their bishounen-ness to?!  Who would female anime viewers google over when they were gone??!!  Oh, the cruelty of nature!!  

Fortunately, they lived in a fairy tale kingdom, and so a kindly Fire Priestess named Mars decided to help them out a bit.  In exchange for a flammable cow, she worked her fire magic, and somehow, in some mystical priestess-y way, impregnated Quatre.  (The couple was so happy and ecstatic, they didn’t even notice that Mars had swiped Heavyarms and was wracking havoc on a nearby village…)  

However one day after Lamaze classes, poor Mrs. Barton fell ill, and could not be roused from his bed.  Trowa was naturally concerned and asked his wife (when he could get a word in through all his moaning and groaning) if he could do anything to help.  

“Yes!”  Quatre exclaimed.  “Spandex!  I need spandex!!”  

Trowa could think of only one place for spandex.  The all-too crabby neighbor across the street had a thriving spandex farm, surely he wouldn’t miss a pair of bicycle shorts or two.  So, in the dead of night, Trowa the farmer stole across the street, and swiped several stalks of the stretchy fabric.  

When his wife saw the spandex, he was suddenly up and about the house, displaying his new shorts.  (But given his present figure, Trowa kinda wished he would just wear his normal sweater vests and such)  

“Trowa, oh Trowa love, these are marvelous!” Quatre gushed, admiring himself in the mirror.  “But the outfit is incomplete….I need a green tank top!”  

“…..!” Trowa protested.  

“If I don’t have a green tank top to go with my spandex shorts, I will most surely die!!” and with that, Quatre placed a hand on his head and fainted dead away.  

Fortunately, the spandex farmer also had a lovely collection of tank tops.  

So once again, Trowa the farmer stole across the street, intent on stealing a tank top for his wife.  He was just tearing the shirt from the tank–top-flower, when he heard the click of a gun behind him.  He turned to see Crabby Ol’ Heero Yuy pointing a gun at him, ready to shoot at a moment’s notice.  

“I will kill you,” he said emotionlessly. “Why are you stealing my clothes?”  

“…..”  (translation:  “I am sorry, Farmer Heero Yuy, but my wife is ill with his first child and he will surely die if he does not get any spandex shorts or green tank tops.”)  

Heero raised an eyebrow.  “Really?”  

Trowa nodded.  

“I’m still going to kill you---ow!” Heero winced and rubbed the back of his head from where someone had pelted him with the SCRIPT.  “I will make you a deal….” He said reluctantly.  “Your wife can have all the spandex and tank tops he needs, but ~I~ get the child.”  

“……”  (translation:  “Well, that’s a stupid deal!  It’s because of that kid that I’m out here in the first place!”)  

“It’s either that or be stuck in another one of Mars’ sappy songfics.”  

Trowa thought about his choices and made his decision.  

When he returned to his farmhouse, he was loaded down with spandex and tank tops.  Quatre was of course thrilled, and quickly rushed over to his husband to try everything on.  

“…..”  (translation:  “Bad news, sweetie, I just sold our child to that Heero Yuy guy…..”)  

Quatre gave birth to a strapping young boy (somehow born with a three-foot long braid on the back of his head) and he was named Duo-punzel.  Duo, because it sounded good, -punzel because uh….well, it sounded good too.  Trowa and Quatre had forgotten their promise to Crabby Ol’ Heero Yuy, however, Crabby Ol’ Heero Yuy had not.  Wing Zero came blasting through the humble farmhouse, stomping on sheep and disintegrating the Martha Stewart designer lawnchairs.  Before long, Duo-punzel was trapped in Zero’s cockpit with Heero, and they blasted off, never to be seen by the Barton family again.   

Because he lacked the patience to care for a young child, Heero locked poor Duo-punzel in a reallllllly high tower, that had no doors, or NUTHIN’, just one window at the very tippy top.  Whenever Heero felt like visiting (he just wanted to escape from the persistent Relena Peacecraft who kept trying to merge their farms…), he would stand at the bottom of the tower and shout: “Duo-punzel, Duo-punzel, let down your hair or I will kill you!”, and Duo-punzel would promptly lower his now17-foot-long-braid, and Heero would climb right up.  (It was hell on Duo-punzel’s roots, but the Wildlife Conservation Society refused to let Heero park his Gundam in a nature preserve, so it was the only way.)  

Duo-punzel grew up to be a very kawaii, talkative bishounen, however with just Heero visiting, he became very lonely.  (all Heero ever did was sulk)  He started to talk to himself and fiddle with his ridiculously long braid.  

One day, a prince from the land of Nataku just HAPPENED to be wandering by, and he heard someone incessantly chattering.  Fearing it might be spies from Treize Kusherenada’s kingdom, he set off to investigate, and instead found Duo-punzel’s tower.  

“That weakling is trapped in a pathetic tower!  Nataku, who’s dumb enough to not build a door?!” the prince (whose name was Wufei) grumbled.  He started forward, to see if he could render any assistance, however when he saw that the infamous Crabby Ol’ Heero Yuy was approaching, he decided to spy in the bushes.  Wufei, of course, saw the whole hair-lowering ritual, and once Heero had left, he decided to try it out for himself.  

“Punzel, Punzel, let down your hair, you cowardly weakling!”  

Duo-punzel, while somewhat confused with the odd call, lowered his braid, and up Prince Wufei of Nataku climbed.  Duo-punzel was of course startled at the new comer, but he quickly got over it.  

“Hell yeah!  First stranger, perfect bishounen!  Should we….?” Duo-punzel made an obscene hand gesture and waggled his eyebrows.  “Or do we save that for later?”  

“Ahhh….save that for later….” Wufei said, his face coloring.  Actually, in all honesty, he really wouldn’t mind, for Duo-punzel was incredibly sexy, if somewhat loud-mouthed, but the tower room was just so little and cramped…no room for creativity at all!!  Wufei put away these “tainted” thoughts, kissed Duo-punzel passionately, and promised to rescue him tomorrow.  They departed, and Wufei went on his way.  

However, an evil omen hung in the air.  Heero, having finally gotten a parking permit for Zero, had witnessed the whole event.  He was not happy, no siree bob.  He charged into the tower, shot off Duo-punzel’s braid (which promptly grew back, but hey, it’s the thought that counts…), gave him a twenty minute lecture on how he would ruin his life if he didn’t have safe sex, and cast Duo-punzel out to the wilderness.  

The next day arrived, and Wufei, who had no idea of the previous nights events, arrived at the tower and called out, “Punzel, Punzel, let down your hair you cowardly weakling!”  

The braid was lowered and Wufei shot up it, eager to see his love.  However, if he had been paying attention, he would’ve noticed that the braid was made of spandex and pieces of green material.  When he reached the top of the tower, it was not Duo-punzel’s loving violet gaze that met him, but rather the rather angry Heero Yuy LOOK.  (TM, of course)  

“You shall not find Duo-punzel here,” Heero said in his monotone.  “For I have cast him away, for being a disobedient, noisy little brat….and the price for renting this tower was just jacked up sky high….” And with that, Heero let go of the spandex-braid, and dropped Wufei to what seemed to be his bloody death.  

As it was, Wufei just landed in a bunch of thorny bushes and had his beautiful onyx eyes poked out.  *sniffle!*  

Fortunately, for him, the good Priestess Mars from the beginning of the story stumbled across his battered body, and took pity on him.  

“Whew, buddy, you really pissed him off now, didn’t you!” she exclaimed.  

“Silence, weakling,” he grumbled.   

Now Mars, being the all-knowing priestess, decided to open a transdimesional portal to teleport the blinded Prince Wufei to wherever Duo-punzel had been cast away to.  She gave Wufei’s shoulder a pat and smiled, vanishing in a flurry of Hawaiian shirts.  

Wufei stumbled around Nataku-only-knows-where for several days, until one day, he tripped over what could have only 97 feet worth of braid.  Duo-punzel was at his side in several minutes, and when he saw what Heero had done to his prince, he began to weep.  

“We don’t have health insurance yet!  How are we going to pay for this?!” he cried.  

“There, there, love…we can weave your hair into rugs or something…”Wufei tried to console.  Duo-punzel started to bawl even harder.  

Now somehow, in some mystical fairy tale way, when his tears combined with the braid that was tangled around Wufei’s face, Wufei’s sight was restored!  Huzzah, huzzah!  

So after a mild uh…”break” (the kind inappropriate  to tell of in fairy tales, catch m’ drift?), the two went back to the land of Nataku and lived happily ever after.  A’int that swell?



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