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The
Legend of King Ggnictee
I would like to tell you a story.
It is a story of a great man. A man who traveled all the world in search
of more of it. A man who knew love and knew hate but knew no fear. A man
who lived by the sword and died with sheep. I will tell you the story of
the man, Ggnictee....
Chapter
I Ggnictee, of whom this story is concerned, not to say it isn’t concerned about others but mostly it is concerned about the man Ggnictee. Ggnictee was born in the Scottish Highlands, in the year of our Lord 1012 (that would be 1012 AD, for those in the audience keeping track). There he grew much like any ordinary child. He reached the age of 16 and having a strange allergy to sheep, he decided he had to leave, this was of course because at the time sheep herding was the only occupation available to most people in the Scottish highlands, at the time. Realized he had to do something he decided to become a professional Nomad, an old an honorable profession for any allergy-ridden highlander. Taking the few belongings he had and his father's huge broadsword, he set off. He traveled for years going from country to country having many many adventures, far to many adventures to fitting one story but we will try anyway. Chapter
II On one of his many adventures Ggnictee came across a small town in a small grassy country were some men were building a large tower. He was walking around the building when he came upon a man with a coconut split in half. He looked at the man and said, "Where did you get that coconut?" "I found it." "Here? Aren't Coconuts tropical, how did you find it here?" "I don't know, maybe a migrating swallow grabbed it." "Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" " Of course not! That’s ridiculous!" “Oh so now I’m ridiculous?” “No, I don’t even know you, you…you…” the man search for an appropriate word, until he found one, “idiot!” “A ridiculous idiot am I? Well I will not have that, I challenge you!” With that Ggnictee drew out his fathers great sword. And in this way like most arguments, this one broke into a fight. Their swords flashed in the sun. Unfortunately, for him, the man whom Ggnictee was fighting did not have a very good sword and it broke on its first contact with Ggnictee’s much better sword. Now Ggnictee was a firm believer in fair play so he put his sword away. Ggnictee then grabbed the man, swung him and threw him into the tower, which caused the tower to tilt a little; this caused a great commotion with the poor fellow who was trying to build the thing. Then he picked up the man's coconut and walked out of town. On his way out he saw a sign that said "Thank you for visiting Pizza” Ggnictee was puzzled by this, he thought it was spelled differently, but it did not really bother him. He decided it was a silly town and he remembered the name so he wouldn't have to come back. Not much later, when the local authorities saw the sign, the sign maker was promptly executed for adding a ‘z’ to the towns’ name. A new sign was erected shortly after that. Chapter
III After his incident at the tower, Ggnictee decided to go on in a westward direction. He walked on until he hit the ocean, getting there was rather uneventful so we will not talk about it at this pint in the story. We may never talk about it in the story but that is another matter entirely, for now we will just continue the story. Now this particular ocean was pretty big, and would have stopped any other man, but Ggnictee just took a deep breath and kept walking. He walked until he came out the other side of the ocean. When he came to the shore, he saw at least fifty men with spears in their hands and feathers in their head. They were dancing around fire; they all stopped and looked at him. The one closest to him looked confused then he spoke, "And who might you be?" This frightened Ggnictee, so he turned around and walked back. When he got back, after a few mishaps in the ocean, evolving the elaborate and evolving lives of a whale, a shark and a goldfish named Petunia, which have been omitted from this story, he ended up on the shore of England. Chapter IV Sheep In Wolves Clothing He climbed up to the top of some cliffs to find 1,000 Dire Wolves. Now one Dire Wolf is a handful even for a hero like Ggnictee, let alone 10,000. Just so no one gets worried Ggnictee does not die here, a sword is broken and a mountainside destroyed, buy to keep the suspense we will not tell you which mountain or sword, nor will we tell you how any of this is accomplished. Then the wolves saw him saw him, the 100,000 wolves rushed him. Now fighting off 1,000,000 wolves would be quite a task, but he thought he could do it, so he pulled out his broadsword. 10 wolves jumped at him; the first one to reach him grabbed the blade of his sword in its mouth and broke it off. Ggnictee dropped his sword and threw all 20 wolves off him and onto the side of the cliff. He did the same to the rest until he had thrown all of the 10,000,000 wolves into the pile. Now the weight of 100,000,000 wolves is not something normally thrown on a mountainside. This weight caused a massive landslide and all 1,000,000,000 wolves went into the ocean. The landslide exposed the white chalk under the rock. Now they are called the White Cliffs of Dover, but before he left he saw a whale come up on the land and let a mariner, who had no suspenders, out of his mouth. Our Hero picked up his coconuts (which he still carried with him) and went to the nearest town, to get his sword a new blade. The blade had an inscription on it, the inscription was in a strange language known as English. Unfortunately, Ggnictee did not now know and had no intention of ever learning the language and didn't really like the funny old black smith who called himself Merielan or Marlin or Merlin or something of some such ridiculousness. Ggnictee asked the funny little blacksmith what the inscription said, he was told to mind his own business and not worry about it, but that the blade was destined to live in the halls of kings. This he thought absurd seeing as he was a nomad and only in Faire Tales did nomads become kings, and let me assure all you who are thinking what you are thinking, this is not a Farie Tale. Chapter
V Chapter
VI Ggnictee then came upon very cold land he did not recognize, so he decided to investigate it. It soon became evident that coming across a local was near impossible. He searched all over to no avail; there was no one to be found. Finally he found a man, who seemed to be in a bit of a hurry, "Hey you!" he called. The man slowed for a moment then continued on, " I said, hey you!" Ggnictee spoke louder this time. "Ya?" The man turned "Is there no one in this town?" "They have all gone to see the Princess, as I am." "What is this place called? Who is this Princess?" "Denmark, eh. Have you not heard of us and our princesses?" Indeed Ggnictee had, the Danish Princess was known for her charm and beauty in all the other Scandinavian lands that he had visited. Of course most Scandinavian women were called Olga and beat up on passing cattle, so no one could know what this princess was like, and Ggnictee was in no mood for Olga. "Indeed good man have I heard of you Princess. Could you show me where she is so that I might find some one to buy lodging from?" "Sure ya bet ya." Then the man hurried on his way, Ggnictee followed. They had gone a good ways and were now across town when they came to a large crowd. The crowd was gathered around what seemed to be a small fight. Two men were, as it seemed, having at it, and quite actively I must say, with axes. "What is this?" Ggnictee asked the man. "Suitor from Sveeden. The Prince intends to keep him far from his sister." Ggnictee almost laughed aloud, was this woman worth fighting over? He decided to find some lodging and food then leave as soon as he could. Then he saw her. Floating towards the palace gates with a small entourage following her. She was as far as anyone was concerned, namely Ggnictee, an angel on earth. Her eyes piercing blue almost killing Ggnictee with their glance. He must meet her, he decided. He moved to the side gate and began a conversation with the guard, "Good marrow." "Good marrow to you, sir. Lovely day for..." Was all the poor guard got out before Ggnictee's elbow made an engagement with his face. The back of his head hit the bars of the gate and the man went unconscious, Ggnictee slipped through the gate. "My lady." He said handing the princess a flower, and bowing low to the ground. "Why hello good fellow, I'm am Princess Caitlin, who might you be?" She giggled a little as she talked, which almost made Ggnictee fall over. "Ggnictee Madame, and I am very pleased to make your acquaintance." "Indeed, as am I yours. It's a terrible thing don't you think." She moved away from the gates towards the palace. "What is that Madame?" "That horrible fight." She pointed towards her brother who was now obviously beating the Swede. "Can you blame the man? Who would not fight for just a glimpse of the great Princess Caitlin?" She laughed; well it was more of a giggle then a laugh, or a strange mix of the two. She reminded Ggnictee of the fairies he had heard tails of in England. "Oh, and I suppose you would?" "I have already glimpsed the Princess, though my mortal eyes due her no justice." "Triumph!" The Prince interrupted their conversation with his shout, as he turned from the now quite defeated Swede. When he saw Ggnictee standing next to his sister, his face went from triumph to happy to content to slight surprise to very unhappy to angry to very angry all in one moment. He ran at the gates ordering them open, his sword drawn for the charge. The Prince was probably half his age and not as big, but he seemed to make up for that in the battle cry he was sending out as he ran. Ggnictee drew his sword the heavy blade felt good in his hand. The prince swung, Ggnictee met him half way. The force of the blow knocked Ggnictee back a bit, and the Prince grinned. He swung and Ggnictee blocked, then after a while Ggnictee became bored with the whole process, he brought his sword up and swung as hard as he could down on the Prince. When the Prince went to block his sword shattered on impact, the Prince stumbled backwards. Then his face once a gain did its triumph to very angry routine "Who are you?" The Prince asked as he standing up. "No one of consequence." Ggnictee replied as he put his sword away and began to follow after the Princess who had begun to walk away. "Come back here, don't you know who I am?" "Not really, nor do I care particularly. Now if you'll excuse me I was having a lovely conversation with the lady before I was so rudely interrupted." With that Ggnictee left before the prince could respond. "A thousand pardons me lady. Some times people can be so rude, wouldn't you say?" "He will be very upset with you, you know that." The princess replied laughing back at her brother. "Well I’m sure he'll get over it soon enough." "I hope so for your sake, Ggnictee. Now come I shall introduce you to my father, and we shall eat." The king of Denmark was an elderly man but not so old that his beard had turned gray. He was tall with a long blonde beard and long blonde hair. His eyes, were a gray blue like the mist of the sea by which he lived. He had the presence of a king to go with his crown. The talked and eat and laughed. Ggnictee spent many days in the Danish kingdom. He loved the Princess Caitlin and she him. He soon all but forgot about nomading the world and was all for settling down to become a king. He now understood what the old black smith, Merilan, had meant when he said his sward was destined for greatness, it would be a king's sword. He purposed and the Princess accepted they were to be married that summer. In one month's time Ggnictee would no longer be a nomad, he would be a king. One month does not seem long to wait, but it was to long. Three weeks before the wedding a messenger came from the port not three miles from the palace. "SIR! YOUR MAJESTY RISE! THE SWEEDS ARE COMEING! UP IN ARMS! RISE! RISE!" He was screaming as he rode for the palace. The night air was cold as Ggnictee mounted his horse, the Prince rode up to him, "Take my sister and ride." "No," responded Ggnictee, "I will stay and fight for our Kingdome." "GO! Go you fool take her and ride we can hold the Swedes by ourselves." "Very well, come Caitlin we ride." The Princess approached on her great white stallion she nodded and followed Ggnictee out the gate. They were riding swiftly to the south hoping to avoid the Swedish hordes. They had almost made it to the edge of town when Ggnictee heard something fly by his ear. He looked up to see the Princess, his future bride fall from her horse, an arrow in her back. "NO!" Was all he managed to gasp out as he leaped off his horse and caught her as she fell to the ground. She looked up at him, as beautiful now as the first time he had seen her. She kissed him softly, "I love you." she breathed then she closed her eyes and her head fell lightly backwards, she was dead. Dead, was all Ggnictee could think. He turned around to see the archer, who had begun to take interest in the battle going on behind him as opposed to the young women he had just shot. A fire burnt in his heart, he couldn't think or see he was barely breathing. "DIE!" He screamed as he lunged at the archer. With in moments the other man was dead. Ggnictee beat him and beat him screaming the whole time, "She's dead, she's dead you killed her! She's dead! When the archer was no longer recognizable as a man Ggnictee drew his sword and rushed into the fray. All who faced him were quite dead before they had even raised their swords to him. The look of his eyes, it was later said, killed more men then his blade. Like a mad man he flew through enemies killing more then could be counted by any one man. When stories were told later it is said that Ggnictee fought till he found the Swedish king. When he found him he raised his sword and with blood and sweet dripping down his face said, "You killed her. Die!" The legends say that the king dropped dead, right then and there on Ggnictee's command, and that Ggnictee then went on to kill every last Swede he could find, even swimming out and setting their ships on fire as they retreated from the Island Kingdom of Denmark. When Ggnictee had returned to the shore, from burning Swedish boats, he fell down to his knees and called up to the sky, “Why God? Why did she have to die? Why her God?” Suddenly the clouds opened up and a booming voice roared down like thunder, “That’s a dumb question, why do you think she died? She was hit the heart with an arrow! Did you think she could just walk it off?” “I know how she died! But why did she have to?! Why did you let that happen to her? She was a good person!” “What kind of stupid question is that? Oh yeah sure, they’re all good people. But I didn’t kill her. I gave you Eden but no, you people had to eat from the tree. Couldn’t help yourselves, the snake did it! Then I sent my commandments, burnt then onto stone! But did you listen to that? No, no you didn’t! You stone my prophets, I even send my son. You jerks put him on the cross! I mean I understand why you did it, but I think it was a little unnecessary don’t you?” “Uhm, sorry.” “You explain and explain…maybe I should have made you people smarter?” Then the clouds closed up and Ggnictee was left once again on the shore alone. Ggnictee stayed in Denmark long enough to bury his love then he continued to do the only thing he knew how now, nomading . Chapter
VII His travels once again renewed, Ggnictee headed south. Looking for the heard for the newly discovered continent of Africa. On his way though the north of the African continent Ggnictee happened upon a great river. He went down to the river to swim and fish, but when he got to the shore a crocodile attacked him. It was a rather large crocodile, but nothing our hero couldn’t handle. Ggnictee grabbed the big green beast by its head and wrapped a cord around its jaw to keep its mouth shut. Then he tied on a rope and hoped onto the animal’s back. He looked down at the big crocodile. “Now you will walk and I will ride. Then I will not get so tired eh?” He did not travel far on his new crocodile pet before it bucked him off and lay out to sleep. “Oh now we can’t have this little Squeaky!” Ggnictee had named the creature SqueakyBobo (it had originally been Bobo after his elfish uncle. He later added the squeaky after he found that the crocodile made a squeaking noise when it walked.) Ggnictee took the crocodile by the ears and proceeded to train it in the ways of obedience. After a few hours training Ggnictee could get SqueakyBobo to do anything he wanted him to; sit, stand, play dead, play cards or even roll over. Ggnictee then hopped on the back of his newly trained crocodile and continued down the river. A few miles down the river Ggnictee heard a scream from over a small hill. He jumped off Squeaky, “Stay here SqueakyBobo, I have to go save someone…or at least find out why they’re screaming!” Ggnictee ran up the hill, and stopped at the top. Below him three men dressed in black cloaks had surrounded an old woman and were moving closer to her. This Ggnictee could not stand for, he had to help that poor old woman. “Halt you…you…dastardly villains!” All three men looked up at Ggnictee yelling at them from the hill. One continued toward the old woman, while the other two began walking up the small hill towards Ggnictee. “Now you fools have forced me to bring out my Big Ass Sword of Righteous Justice on you!” Ggnictee then pulled out his sword and faced the men. The first man looked at him, “You fool there is only one of you and two of us! We will kill you easily!” They fought and the battle went quickly. Ggnictee tossed them both behind the hill, where SqueakyBobo promptly ate them. The third ran away, very quickly. “Oh, thank you kind man.” the old woman held a small chain with an amulet on it, “This is the amulet of A Fair Amount of Wisdom and Direction. It will give you more wisdom then any mortal m. I mean not more then, oh say, God but more then you’ll ever need.” “Why…thank you madam.” Ggnictee stammered a little in surprise. “Oh, oh think nothing of it young man. You know they say the other amulets are hidden deep in the tombs of the greatest Pharaoh ever. I believe they’re over there somewhere.” The old woman pointed off to the east, “Good luck in your travels young man, and thank you again.” The old woman hobbled down the path, leaving Ggnictee and the now very full SqueakyBobo alone in the desert. Ggnictee decided that maybe he should see about these other amulets, for it he knew that it is always advantageous to have magic on your side. He and SqueakyBobo headed off for the tombs. The reached a large pyramid in with a small door in the front. Above the door was a sign saying, “Welcome to The Tombs of the Greatest Pharaoh Ever.” They walked slowly in. They walked down a hallway and a number of stairs till they reached a large room with one door leading out. Above the door was a large face. It was a thin evil looking face with a strange mechanical arm attached to it instead of the rest of its head. It looked down at Ggnictee and SqueakyBobo, “Who dares enter The Tomb of The Greatest Pharaoh Ever?” Ggnictee stepped forward “I have!” The giant arm sung down bringing the face close to Ggnictee, “And just who might you be little one?” “I am Ggnictee! I have come for the magical amulets hidden in this tomb.” “Oh my, well there are right here.” A light appeared at the other end of the room, Ggnictee could make out a small table with two amulets on it. Ggnictee began moving toward the table. Then the face began talking again, “But you will never get them! Osiris! My defender I command you, destroy these intruders!” A large man dressed as an Egyptian Royal Guard, walked out. Although he wasn’t quite a man, where his shoulders stopped, so did his manness. Where there should have been a neck and a head there was a neck and a head but the wrong neck and head entirely. Instead of a man’s head and neck there was the neck and head of a falcon. The birdman walked toward Ggnictee with sword drawn and shield ready. Ggnictee drew out his sword, and prepared for battle. Osiris attacked, but his sword never made it to Ggncitee. As he moved forward SqueakyBobo lunged at Osiris and set his teeth firmly in the manbird’s leg. With Osiris momentarily distracted, Ggnictee took the opportunity to cut his head off. Ggnictee turned back to the giant face. It’s great eyes blinked twice then it spoke again, “Oh my, well I guess you’ll just be taking the amulets now.” “Unless you’re going to stop me?” Ggnictee laughed up at the giant creature. It grimaced at him and growled. “No! I can’t very well now can I? I’m a giant face on a robotic arm! Oh my! If only I had my old body back I would crush you! Oh yes, I was much more powerful then little Osiris. Oh no, poor Osiris! Mother will never forgive me for letting you die! Oh mother, I’m sorry! I’m…” The strange beast was still complaining as Ggnictee rode out of the tombs on SqueakyBobo along with all three of the amulets: The Amulet of A Fair Amount of Wisdom and Direction, The Amulet of a good deal of Strength and Courage and The Amulet of Mediocre Goodness and Righteousness. As he walked out of the tomb he blinked in the bright moonlight, and saw a man standing by the door. He then heard the man howl at the moon. Ggncitee walked up to him, “Why are you howling at the moon?” The man began to cry then stopped and took a breath, “Long ago I fought an evil sorcerer, I freed a shipment of prisoners from one of his slave ships. He hunted me down and when he found me he cast an evil spell on my one true love. Now she must forever live in the moon. She might be freed from his evil power, but I don’t know how I could do that. So I howl at the moon, in hopes that she will hear me and know I still love her and wait for her here, in the place we first met.” He took another breath and began to howl at the moon again. “Hum, well I am very sorry. Goodnight dear fallow and good luck.” Ggnictee left the moon howler there in the desert with his moon. He begain walking along the river again, after not to long SqueakyBobo saw a female crocodile and swam away. Leaving Ggnictee alone to continue to Africa. VIII Soon he came to the African savanna. On his way into it he met an old wise man eating a tree, under the same. He stopped to talk to the man. When he sat down the man offered him some of his tree to eat Ggnictee declined, so the man went on eating his tree alone. Ggnictee asked the man," What do you see in my future, Wise Man?" "Your sword is destined for greatness, and you are allergic to sheep." Ggnictee was very confused by this, so he left. He then went on deep into the jungle. He came to a open area and being hungry, he decided to catch something to eat. He took off after an antelope but, just before he caught it, he strangled an elephant. He cooked it then began to eat. Then he saw a strange sight. There was a great light in the sky then a huge black thing came down from the sky. The first thing you or I would have noticed was how much it looked like a kitchen table, but the first thing Ggnictee noticed was how little it looked like his camp which the huge black thing just landed on. A strange man jumped out, he was tall and looked rather scraggily. He looked at Ggnictee; "Hello there, is this 1932?" He said, he was talking in a strange language, and Ggnictee stared at him dumbfounded, "Well I must have missed it, I will have to have been much more careful next time. Perhaps I'll have seen you some other time, or perhaps I already have seen you again. One can never be to sure, can he?" He glanced down at a strange box in his wrist, "Well if you'll excuse me I have to have gotten to 1932 by yesterday or I will have been in serious trouble, so cheerio." Then the man went back into his big black whatever it was and left. Ggnictee did not understand a single word the strange man had said, which is probably for the best because it would have only confused the matter. He quickly decided he had simply eaten some bad elephant, and then continued deeper into the jungle. He walked on until he heard some drums. He followed the direction of the sound and came to the camp of the Garbage-Eating Trolls Who Live in Stuff. They were having a feast, and no one came to a feast without a present for the king. Ggnictee grabbed some bearing cleaner and gave it to the king, who promptly drank it. After this he was allowed to join the feast. After the celebration, he was ready to go to bed. Now you must know that when they say "Trolls who live in stuff," that is exactly what they mean; their houses are just a big pile of stuff. He got into the guest stuff and went to sleep. He woke up in the morning to the town hooter; this was a garbage-eating Troll who lives in stuff. He gets up and jumps up and down hooting to wake everyone else up for breakfast. Breakfast at the Garbage-Eating Trolls Who Live in Stuff camp was like nothing else. Each Troll, big or small, could eat a herd of zebra, but that's not all they served. On the table there was: elephant, antelope, warthog, muskrat, rat monkey, quail, dog, gorilla, punk weasel, the occasional and fruits of every kind, there were no vegetables because no respectable garbage-eating Troll who lives in stuff would ever eat vegetables. After breakfast, Ggnictee realized that the Garbage-Eating Trolls Who Live in Stuff had eaten their power plant and so had no power and he intended to fix this. So he took it upon himself to build a Nuclear Fusion Reactor. Now seeing, as no one was anywhere near to even discovering the atom, this was quite a task, but he built it anyway. Back then, Africa was four times as it is now but, being the first Nuclear Fusion Reactor, it had a few bugs and exploded in a giant mushroom cloud. This explosion sent a piece of the earth hurdling into space. The giant rock went hurtling into the moon, creating a rather large crack in its surface. From the crack a small girl fell, she fell to the earth where she landed in the desert next to a large pyramid. Luckily (for Ggnictee and the Garbage-Eating Trolls Who Live in Stuff) Ggnictee had the foresight to build a bomb shelter for himself and all the Garbage-Eating Trolls Who Live in Stuff so if it exploded, no one would get hurt. The explosion, unfortunately, for everyone else on the continent, destroyed most of the technology and almost all of the manuscripts on how to build. This is why when people came back to Africa; all the natives had no technology. Chapter
IX Ggnictee spent many years in Africa, and then he went nomading again. He discovered many places in his time, and saw many things. Most of which he was not given credit for discovering (like nuclear physics). When he was 121, he decided to go back to Scotland to see his family again. On his way there, he stumbled into a churchyard and as he fell he caught himself using his sword as a crutch. Unfortunately this caused his sword to ram into a rock, but he was able to stay standing by leaning on it. Not having the strength to pull it out, he left it and continued to Scotland where he succumbed to the only enemies he could not fight off, death and his allegiance to sheep, but he still had his coconuts. His sword stayed in the rock for many centuries until a frantic young boy came and pulled it out. Now the sword hangs in the halls of kings and has found its fame. To this day the vengeance of Ggnictee is remembered as the greatest day of blood shed Sweden has ever known Because of that horrendous slaughter they suffered, that day, they did all they could to stay out of any wars, to this day. The moon howler was reunited with his lost love, after she fell in front of him in the desert. She had heard his howling from the moon, and had made the moon shine just for him (the moon continues to shine now for much more mysterious and unknown reasons). Together they defeated the evil sorcerer who had put her there. As for the Garbage-Eating Trolls Who Live in Stuff they are still living in Africa in their relatively quiet peace undiscovered by any other human being in their stuff. And so we end our tale as it began, in a world of confused people with no where to go and nothing worth doing. So ends the Story of Ggnictee, may the lessons it taught us (or didn’t teach us as the case may be) never be forgotten, ever.
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