Our story begins on our heroes, the rising superhero team known (finally) as The Infinities, in the briefing room of their World Devastator. Captain Planet, the famous Eco-man, is giving them the latest report on their arch nemesis the evil (vile, and down right unhappy person I might add) Z-mage.
“Is everyone here?” the blue hero stood at the front of the big oval table, which they had ‘borrowed from an old USS Enterprise briefing room. Around the table sat a motley crew.
There was Metamorph, the shapeshifter and highlander. Jimmy the dead the cyber enhanced warrior. Ggnictee a knight nomad and highlander. Spidercide, the clone of the great Spiderman. T-1000 a shapeshifting robot from the future. Deacon Briars the vampire who’d found the sixth gem so long ago. Then their newest companion, siting next to Spidercide, but as far away as usual, was the sorceress Eskanina.
“There’s only eight of us Cap, do you really have to ask that every time we get together?” Jimmy rolled his eyes at Captain Planet.
“Oh, let him ask Jimmy.” Eskanina laughed.
“So what are we here for Cap?” T-1000, who was the only one always interested in these debriefings.
“Right,” Planet began, “I’ve gotten word that Z-mage has a few more friends then he’s been letting on.”
“What do you mean, Cap?” Ggnictee stood up and walked over to the replicator for more coffee.
“Well,” Planet said pointing to the screen, a picture of a little girl, with dark hair and fair skin, appeared, “Her name is Veritae. She has one power and one power only, that is she can know, detect, and enforce the truth. It’s like having my heart power and Ggnictee’s amulet of truth and justice times 10. She can make transformers show their true self,” the three shapeshifters looked up suddenly, “and before you ask yes she can make you guys show your true shape too.”
‘DAMN’ all three shifters murmured in unison.
“Other then that I don’t know anything about her, you guys know anything?”
“Yeah,” Ggnictee said from the corner where he started standing, “heard about her…I forget where. Rumor was she came from the same stuff that created Wonder Woman’s lasso. Apparently she got kicked out of her town; no one liked the fact that they couldn’t lie to her so they booted her. Then and this is rumor mind you but I believe this one, some guy picks her up off the street and takes care of her. He becomes her father and she sticks with him, but like I said that’s just rumor.”
“That must be Z-mage.”
“Yeah but why would someone who knows all truth work with him?” Eskanina jumped in.
“Well,” Ggnictee said, “from what I heard her real father wouldn’t exactly be a tough act to fallow.”
Suddenly Deacon got up and began to leave.
“Where are you going?” Planet asked
“I’m hot and I’m bored, I’m getting out of here.”
“Please Mr. Briars, stay.” A voice in the corner said, then out of the shadows a just over middle aged man walked out. He was mostly bald and carried a briefcase.
“Who are you?”
“My name is Kobayashi, and my employers have sent me here for you.”
“For what, Mr. Kobayashi?” The ever-distrusting Spidercide glared at Kobayashi.
“I represent the Khazan Council on Superhero Teams. Apparently you have been making a name for yourselves.”
“Yeah now that we got a name, finally!” Jimmy added.
“My employers would like to invite you to fight in The Hero’s Tournament. You will fight 20 teams, if you are successful you will become a Khazan licensed team of heroes. You will get your own Universe, you will be listed as one of the elite Khazan teams and will be called on in emergencies, you will be given political immunity in any Universe you travel in, and lastly your names will be listed in the Khazan hall of fame.”
“Sounds good, where do we sign up?”
“You have already been ‘signed up’ Mr. Dead. In one months time you will be expected at the Khazan main arena. I recommend you begin training for your challenge. Good luck gentlemen, and good day.” The man left the room in silence.
Briars broke the silence, “That guy was weird!”
“You said it Deke.” Jimmy nodded in agreement.
“We’re gonna show right?” Ggnictee asked looking worried that they might dishonorable miss the fight.
“Yes, king, we’ll show. So we better get started training.” Planet said regaining his composure, “Ggnictee, Metamorph you guys have some force training to do, after that Darth Maul ‘incident’ right? Eskanina, I’d learn some more spells, we may run into pretty powerful folk out there. T, Spidercide…I don’t know shift or something. Jimmy Deke…well all of us need to bone up on hand to hand we have one month to become expert in all forms of fighting.”
"Are you sure that you want to do this?" Metamorph asked, "It's very dangerous."
"Yes I'm sure," said Ggnictee, "Just tie my feet tighter and put the plugs in."
Eehrm...some explanation might be required. In the ship's training gym, King Ggnictee was suspended upside-down from the ceiling with his feet tied together and one arm tied behind his back. His other arm was tied down so it couldn’t be moved above the elbow. In his free hand was Excalibur, which was more or less the equal of a lightsaber. He was blindfolded and the plugs were ears and nose plugs so that he would not hear the laser bolt or smell the ozone. There, it wasn't what you thought, was it?
Metamorph took several steps back and drew the blaster that he had invented. He fired several quick shots in succession directly at Ggnictee. Immediately his sword arm sprung up and not only deflected the bolts but freed him from his bonds, cut the blindfold in half, gave him a quick shave and a haircut, two bits, and cut Metamorph's head off. Well, he would have if Metamorph wasn't a shapeshifter that allowed the blade to pass through him unharmed.
"Very good, you're getting better. Now let's see how you do against a live opponent," he said and turned his arm into a sword.
Ggnictee yawned
He turned that sword into plasma and created another, giving the impression of a Double Bladed Lightsaber(tm).
Ggnictee smiled.
Then from the middle of that double bladed lightsaber two more blades appeared at 90 degrees to the other two, giving the impression of a giant "x".
Ggnictee grinned beyond the confines of his face. "This is gonna be fun!" he shouted and attacked. 15 minutes later, the entire gym was covered in pieces of Metamorph.
"I don't see how that could have happened," said the bits that used to be his mouth, "Did you fiddle with my solidity controls using the force?" the bits that were his eyes narrowed.
"Yeah, so?"
"Well, that's good. If you have an advantage then you should use it. Now can you help me get back together?"
"Oh, sure," as he pressed the bit with the "De-solidify button" two things happened, 1 was that Metamorph reformed into his whole self and the other was that the author writing this chapter lost interest and went for a drink.
"I think we need to find Yoda."
Metamorph said as he reassembled, "'cause we're gonna get ourselves killed this way."
"You said it. I wonder how everyone else is doing?" Ggnictee said as the walked out the door toward the Relentless to go find the Jedi master.
"I don’t' know we should ask Planet before we go."
"Yeah," Ggnictee pulled up his intercom, "hey planet you there?"
In Gym 5 of the Devastator, Jimmy the Dead sparred with the Box-O-Matic as he waited for Deacon to arrive. The training machine was putting up a good show, but Jimmy quickly destroyed it with a hard right cross.
“Damn, I don’t know my own strength!” Jimmy smugly said.
“Raw strength won’t help you out in a fight kid, and I guess we have a hell of a fight ahead of us.”
Jimmy turned to see Deacon walk in with some bottles.
“What are those?”
“Some sports drinks for you. Catch.” as Deke threw a bottle towards Jimmy.
“What’s in the other bottles?”
“Apparently Meta’s sense of humor struck again.” Deke replied as he pulled out a bottle of plasma. Upon the bottle was written “Deacon-ade”.
“Well, let’s get to it, kid.” Deacon said as he walked to a large mat on the floor.
“Let me warm up a bit first, Deke.” Jimmy then performed a series of kata so rapidly that it made Morpheus training Neo look slow.
Deacon, in response, got into a simple combat stance. “Show-off.”
“Hey, Deke, remember the first time we fought?”
“Yeah, when I got here. Why’d you ask?”
“Well, when I fought you then, I didn’t know you were a vampire. Now I can anticipate and counter your moves. Just to let you know, you’re gonna get whooped.”
“Talk’s cheap, Jimmy. Let’s fight.”
As they fought, passers-by thought that they pretty much reenacted the Neo/Morpheus fight scene from The Matrix, only faster and slightly cooler. Jimmy still had his small strength advantage with his cybernetic parts, but Deacon’s combat skills combined with his vampiric strength gave him a small advantage. As they dueled, the crowd that formed “ohhed” as Jimmy delivered a two-hand thrust punch that sent Deacon flying towards the wall, and “awwed” when Deacon ricocheted back and used his momentum to slam-tackle Jimmy.
“Good move, Deke”, Jimmy said as he got back up, “but let me show you something special.”
He then charged towards the assassin, unleashing volley upon volley of punches and kicks, all delivered incredibly fast due to Jimmy’s cyborg skill. Deke blocked a good many hits, but got tagged a few times as well.
“Fast, wasn’t I, huh Deke?” Jimmy said as he readied himself for another series of speed hits.
“Yeah kid,” Deacon panted, “that was pretty fast.”
As Jimmy threw a punch towards Deacon, he thought to himself, Finally, I can prove to myself that I can beat this guy. That first encounter had to be...WHAT THE?!?!
Deacon vanished from sight. Jimmy hit air.
“What the...” Jimmy said until he felt hands grab his shoulder and back and felt himself flying backwards in the air. When he landed, he saw Deacon materialize in front of him.
“You are pretty fast, kid. For a cybernetic human, that is.”
“Gee, Deke, you’d think that could qualify as cheating.” Jimmy said as he picked himself up and readied himself.
“From what I hear about the Khazan fights, the combatants can do some pretty weird things. You’ve got to be ready for anything, Jimmy.”
Deacon then leapt towards Jimmy using his vampiric speed, ready to deliver a roundhouse kick to his side, only to find himself hanging in midair a foot from Jimmy. Jimmy then connected with a snap kick that left Deke back on the ground, specifically on his back.
“What the Hell happened?” Deke growled.
“You said it yourself, Deacon”, as Eskanina Smith walked towards them, “you’ve got to be ready for anything. And since some combatants have been shown to use magic...”
“Oh, real freaking cute, Eskanina.”
“Don’t be that mad, Deke. Eskanina was just leveling the playing field.” Jimmy smirked. “I mean, some of those fighters can doWAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!”
Jimmy then fell over backwards as sparks dissipated from him. “Sorry Jimmy, didn’t want you to feel left out.” Eskanina smiled slyly.
“So what, you going to heckle and zap us?”
“Course not Jimmy.” she spoke as she sat down in a crossed-leg position. “It’s that since we may be fighting sorcerers, and since I need to give my spellcasting some practice, I figure I’ll watch you two fight, and randomly put a whammy on you to keep you both on your toes.” Eskanina said as she levitated three feet from the ground.
“Now then, ready guys? Go!”
"Yo, Planet, you there?" crackled the intercom.
"Metamorph, Ggnictee, you there?" shouted Cap.
"Yeah," crackled Ggnictee. "Me and Metamorph are gonna look for Yoda, if that's OK. We're gonna need all the Force training we can get."
"I'll come with you if I can," said Planet. "Dagobah's got the natural elements I'll need to pump myself up, plus maybe I'll get Force training too. Eskanina's taught me a few spells, but we're gonna need every edge we can get to win this, considering what some of our enemies will be like."
"What about the others?" asked King Ggnictee.
"Deacon and Jimmy are kicking each other's butts," said Cap, "and Eskanina's throwing the occasional whammy on them to keep them on their toes. I'll check on T-1000 and Spidercide, and if I'm not needed, I'll come with you guys."
As he walked down the hallway, Cap thought to himself. What a long strange adventure it's been, huh, Cap? He pondered. Ever since I came to Khazan, where people are less concerned about the environment than whether or not there'll even be ecology, I've had to adjust my tactics, my philosophies...and perhaps even my morals. When did I become so concerned with winning battles that I'd do whatever it takes to win, even if it involves cheating?
He stopped at where Jimmy and Deacon were sparring, with Eskanina throwing magic their way. Jimmy had been metamorphosed into a banana, and Deacon looked like a Hindu god with blue skin and six arms.
"Metamorph and King Ggnictee are going to see Yoda. If nobody needs me, I'll join them."
“No, we should fine without you Captain.” Eskanina laughed as she put down the apple she was eating and turned Jimmy and Deacon back into themselves, “Come on guys lets go eat uh?”
“Sounds good,” Jimmy said stretching his arms, “see ya around Cap.”
Captain Planet walked on to the main hanger as the three heroes waked the other way to the mess hall, “Hey,” he turned toward them again, “you guys seen the shifters?”
“Yeah,” Eskanina said, “they were in Spidercide’s room trying to out…imagine each other. That’s what they said at least.”
“That’s good, they’re going to need to be able to shift into anything!” Planet turned around as the other three walked away.
Meanwhile on the Relentless.
“Join the Infinities they said, see the world they said, I’d rather be sailing!” Metamorph grumbled as he prepared the Relentless for takeoff.
“Oh come on Mete, this is the good life, we get to travel all over and see things meet people. It’s great!”
“Don’t you miss home Ggnictee?”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t you miss your family or friends?”
“I don’t’ have a home Metamorph. I left home… wow a long time ago. My family died, my friends died…and I…traveled. It’s what I do, I’m a nomad remember?”
“Yeah but you don’t miss Scotland, or Earth?”
“Nah, been there, done that. I mean I’d like to see it someday, but there’s so much I haven’t see, I’d like to get to that first.
“Hey guys,” Captain Planet jumped into the cockpit, “So we leaving or what?”
They landed on Dagobah not too much later a small green creature approached a sleek black ship and the three figures walking down it, “Ah, expecting you I have been. With me you must come, learn you will.” He turned to Planet, “Blue are you, but know not what to do with you do I. Your friends must learn, yes. Come now, we eat.”
King Ggnictee, Metamorph and Captain Planet walked with Yoda through the dark swamps of the planet.
Meanwhile, on board the Devastator, things were about to get ugly.
Eskanina, Jimmy the Dead and Deacon Briars had decided to take a short break. They had entered one of the kitchens, only to find the different characters from "Beauty and the Beast (Disney version)" there ready and willing to serve them. They sat down to eat when all of the sudden, the chair that Jimmy the Dead was sitting in began to move. The arms came to life and began to grab Jimmy the Dead, holding him in place. Then, the chair changed form entirely, revealing the "chair" to be nothing more that Spidercide in disguise. Jimmy tried to wrestling loose from Spidercide but his strength was too great. Deacon pulled out a gun, then hesitated, and realizing that this was clearly nothing more than an obvious training exercise pulled out a different gun. It was loaded with rubber bullets that hurt like hell upon contact but do no real damage. Deacon was about to fire when suddenly, the top of the table that the three of them were seated at began to move as well, taking human shape and moving in the way, blocking Deacon's rubber bullets. The "table" soon revealed itself to be nothing more than T-1000 in morphed form. The rubber bullets bounced harmlessly off his adamantium hide, while the android leapt and tackled Deacon, pinning him to the ground.
"You guys need to be way more alert, " said Spidercide as he finally let go of Jimmy the Dead. "There are a lot more shapeshifters out there in Khazan and if you think that they won't try similar tactics, you guys are in for a major disappointment."
As T-1000 and Spidercide let go of Jimmy and Deacon, they then got up and while T-1000 walked out of the room, Spidercide went up and got some food of his own.
As he walked away, Jimmy turned towards Eskanina and asked, "how come you didn't give us a hand back there with those two?"
Eskanina didn't reply. Instead she simply turned and smiled at Spidercide who in turn, smiled and winked back at her.
King Ggnictee, Metamorph and Captain Planet walked with Yoda through the dark swamps of the planet.
Oh, no sorry, we've done that, haven't we? Let's start over.
"So, Yoda," Captain said, "What have you been doing lately?" well, I guess he asked, didn't he. Anyway, they were sitting in Yoda's hut although it really was only half of one. Metamorph had tried to stand once and he had been splattered all over the ceiling.
"Well, after done was work on series of movies, by Hooked on Phonics approached I was. To appear in one of their commercials, they wanted me. Sell well it did not."
Captain Planet stared for a little while, trying to work those last few sentences out while at the food pot Metamorph and Ggnictee were. Oops, sorry, I meant "Metamorph and Ggnictee were at the food pot," yeesh, these readers are so touchy. Just make one typo and they'll wave it in your face for years. Oh smeg, am I still on?! Cut to Metamorph and Ggnictee!
"Hey, Yoda, what's in the stew?" shouted Metamorph from across the room.
"Snake bladder, tree-spider roots, swamp water, toadstool extract and wow-wow sauce."
"Is that all you have?" shouted Ggnictee.
"Veggie burgers I also have."
There was a short pause. "Okay," Morph said, "Where are the bowls?"
There was a sharp whine from the swamps outside, which doesn't really narrow it down since the whole planet is stumped. I mean, what's the deal with planets in Star Wars? It's always a desert planet or a jungle planet or a city planet or a banana cream pie planet but never an earthlike planet. I mean, when they created the planets did he just get to planet earth, run out of ideas and just mix everything together? And what's the deal with airline food...
(3 hours later)
...and then the other one says, "Honey, this one's eating my popcorn."(rimshot) Anyway, back to the whine, everyone ran to the window, severely bumping and/or splashing their heads on the ceiling and saw a ship landing outside Yoda's home.
"I thought you were retired," Captain Planet said, waving a hand in front of King Ggnictee.
"From teaching Jedi yes, from acting not," the hatch opened and a bearded man stepped out.
"That's George Lucas!" Metamorph screamed, "I've got to have his autograph!" with that he ran out of the swamphouse.
"Come on, better go, we should."
"Captain Planet, why are you talking so funny?" asked the now conscious King Ggnictee.
"Rubs off on you, it does. C'mon, let's go."
The heroes walked back toward their ship. They were joined by Metamorph who was clutching a piece of paper. As they got closer to the ship Metamorph called out "Shotgun!"
"It's my turn, you had it on the way here!"
"Yeah, but you had it twice in a row!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Hey, guys," shouted Captain Planet from the entry ramp, "if you guys behave I'll take you to Jabba's palace."
"Oh wow!" they both shouted together, "But who gets shotgun?" Ggnictee asked.
"I'll flip you for it," Metamorph said and then he picked up Ggnictee and threw him up in the air where he spun around and landed on his back, "Heads, I win!"
Ggnictee was up in a flash, and used the force to splatter Metamorph all over a nearby rock, “Ha, ha,” Ggnictee laughed, “Not that it matters because we’re driving but I got shotgun ooohh shapeless one.” They both laughed as Metamorph brought himself together again.
“Single shaped prick!” Metamorph smiled as he sent a few rocks flying at Ggnictee.
Ggnictee stopped the rocks in midair in front of him and grabbed one, “Wo.” He said doing his best Neo impression, then he let all the rocks drop.
“Nice one!” Metamorph laughed and they headed back towards the ship.
The confused Captain Planet, who thought the two friends had actually been fighting, spun around quickly and looked back and forth between the two heroes, “You mean you’re not gonna let me drive?”
Metamorph shifted into a fat bald man with a scar on his face. He put his pinky up to the side of his mouth, “Uhmm…how about no Scot.”
“Oh, come on Captain you didn’t think we’d let you drive did you?” Ggnictee stopped laughing and look at Planet, “You didn’t, right?”
“Hey! I’m the Captain, I should drive!” Captain Planet looked very upset, “Wait till the Narrator hears about this!”
I already have.
“What do you mean?”
I’m the Narrator I hear everything.
“And you’re not going to do anything about this?”
No, sorry Captain they’ve got a point you can’t drive.
“I can too drive! Come on people, remember the races on Tatooine? I can drive.”
Metamorph shifted into a large cucumber with eyes a mouth and a sombrero, “No comprendo.” He and Ggnictee laughed, as he turned back to himself and they jumped aboard the ship.
“No comprendo! I’ll show you no comprendo!” Planet jumped in after them.
They made their way back to the Devastator. Not being in a terrible hurry they stopped off at Wally World and everyone drove the bumpercars.
On board the Devastator, things had gotten more intense. Deacon Briars, Jimmy the Dead, Eskanina Smith and Spidercide had begun training inside the holodecks aboard the Devastator. As soon as the Relentless had docked, Captain Planet, King Ggnictee and Metamorph had decided to join. This left T-1000 alone to wander the hallways. He had been thinking, as a Terminator, and an android, there was nothing he could really do to increase his strength. He would be at peak strength no matter what happened. And he was as close to fully invulnerable as any being had ever become, so there was no reason to try increase his endurance. Yet, as his allies began training in the holodeck, he felt as if there was something he should be doing to train for the battle. Suddenly, he had an idea.
In Docking Bay 3, on board the Devastator waited something that T-1000 had been waiting to use. It was the Delta Flyer. Having acquired the design specks for it from Voyager, he had spent the last few months working on it. Now it was ready, fully reconstructed down to the last detail. He had decided, rather than use the Relentless, a far more powerful and important vessel, he would take the Delta Flyer and fly down to Khazan. Down there, there was always some villain or all around jerk with super powers to fight. The least he could do, he felt, to prepare for the battle was to gain some experience fighting actual beings, rather than holograms.
A few moments later, down on the outskirts of Khazan, the Delta Flyer settled down on the surface. T-1000 had to admit this was one smooth vessel. It didn't have the raw fire power that the Relentless had, but with some work, he was willing to bet that this thing might one day be able to fly circles around the Relentless, someday.
Suddenly, a lone figure approached the Delta Flyer and T-1000. He was a large man, about Hercules’ (Marvels) size; he wore black pants, golden shoes, and a ripped golden shirt. He had blonde hair, blue eyes, and was bulging with muscles.
"So, you're T-1000, huh?" asked the man.
-1000 was taken back by this. He was sure that he had never seen this man before in his life. Yet, when you have the strength and invulnerability that this T-1000 had, you are never really afraid of anything.
"Yeah, who are you. And how do you know my name. Oh yes, and would you rather I break your head or your neck?" was what T-1000 responded.
"Oh you don't know me. My name is Holo, though I believe we share a mutual acquaintance. His name is Z-Mage."
At this, the T-1000 stopped dead in his tracks. His fist clenched and he readied himself for battle.
"How do you know Z-Mage."
"I guess you haven't heard, he's my newest employer. He's already got a plan worked out to get rid of you and the rest of your teammates. It's a shame that he missed you, I hope he won't be too heart broken to know that I finished the job for him."
With that, Holo charged T-1000 and a battle ensued. The two hit each other, each with enough force to derail a freight train at least, but neither seemed affected in the least.
Meanwhile, back on the Devastator, as the rest of the group trained in the holodecks, they were totally oblivious to the presence of a cloaked figure, moving through the corridors, disabling security system after security system with but a wave of his hand. As he approached the holographic controls, he merely stared at it, and the holographic safety protocols were shut off and the holodeck placed on maximum difficulty.
"What on all the Earths?!" exclaimed Captain Planet as the holograms turned WAY dangerous.
Eskanina screamed as she was struck by a hologram. The pain she felt sure wasn't holographic!
"Hey, mister," snarled Spidercide as he leaped at her attacker, "keep your paws off my lady!"
"Someone's sabotaged the holodeck controls!" shouted Captain Planet. "I'll take care of it!" He transformed into electricity and flew into the holodeck's circuitry.
As the holograms shut off, Captain Planet opened the door. "Someone's aboard the ship trying to kill us," he stated in a tone so commanding, nobody bothered to tell him he was stating the obvious. "I can't seem to find him, either with my Heart power or the Force. We'll have to form search parties."
"By the way," said Metamorph, "where's T-1000?"
The group began a massive search of the Devastator, looking high and low for anyone who could have sabotaged the holodeck.
Meanwhile, back at Khazan, things were getting ridiculous.
The T-1000 and the being known as Holo had been battling for an hour now with little luck either way. Though T-1000's strength seemed greater than Holo's, in the end, all the strength of the Hulk, Thor, Superman, and Gladiator combined wouldn't have been enough to hurt Holo.
Holo leapt forward, tackling T-1000 and landing repeated blows to his face, none of which hurt T-1000 in the slightest bit. T-1000 kicked Holo off of him and all the way onto the interstate where a speeding Batmobile hit Holo head on, knocking him a half-a-mile away. Holo got up, completely unfazed, only to have T-1000 come up from behind and hit him right through one tree and straight through another, and another, and another, and another. T-1000 moved in but Holo instantly recovered, landing an uppercut that knocked T-1000 50 feet into the air, only to have gravity bring him crashing down, resulting in one mean looking crater. As Holo walked up to the crater to see if T-1000 was still moving, the liquid metal killer burst up from the ground directly behind Holo. Having dug his way out of the crater and right up behind Holo, he grabbed Holo by his feet and swung him around and around, only to release, letting him flies hundreds of feet away. Somehow, T-1000 doubted that that distance would stop, or even slow a guy like Holo down. Guys like that never quite. T-1000 should know; he was a guy like that, and that fly sure wouldn't have stopped him. Deciding that he had had enough of a fight, and feeling that he should report of Z-Mage's newest lackey, T-1000 re-boarded the Delta Flyer, and headed back for the Devastator.
“Computer where is T-1000?” Ggnictee said as he walked out of the holodeck door.
“T-1000 left abroad the Delta Flyer 2 hours 21 minutes ago. The Delta Flyer is currently outside Khazan.” The computer said in a cold computer voice.
“Well that’s one mystery less.” Eskanina said taking charge, “Captain you and Spidercide get planet side make sure T’s ok. Metamorph you and Ggnictee come with me let’s find out what we can about our intruder.”
Everyone agreed and the team split up.
“Well, you guys are the Jedi where’s this intruder.” Eskanina pushed Ggnictee and Metamorph farther down the hall.
“Aren’t we being a little pushy tonight?” Metamorph laughed
“And we’re not officially Jedi till the ceremony tomorrow, you know that.” Ggnictee said
“So how are we gonna find this intruder? Any devices, spells, tricks or traps?”
“Why don’t we ask the narrator he’s on our side isn’t’ he?”
I am not
“Why not we never killed you remember?” Eskanina pointed out
That’s not the point, it’s principle, we can’t take sides.
“Come on! Please?”
“Oh, this is getting us no where.” Ggnictee sighed, “Computer who has entered the holodeck in the last three hours, besides the members of the team.”
“One unidentified crewman.” The computer responded.
“And just where is this crewman now, computer?”
“Deck 3, between sickbay and transporter bay 3.”
“He’s going for the transporters!” Eskanina gasped
“No kidding, thanks for the save Mrs. Wizard.” Metamorph shook his head, “Computer please transport us to transporter bay 3.”
“Ok.” The computer chirped.
The three heroes arrived in transporter bay 3 just as a Scotsmen who looked like he belonged to their crew ran in the door.
“The saboteur is one or ours?” Ggnictee gasped.
“He doesn’t smell like one of ours.” Metamorph said.
“How would YOU know that?”
“I shifted my nose to that of a bloodhound a while back, really helpful actually. I should tell you what to avoid in the mess hall.”
“So if he’s not one of ours whose is he?”
The crewman’s shoulders shrank, “Z-Mage you idiot! Jeesh you couldn’t figure that out? And you guys have been foiling the Mage’s planes for how long? Man I must work for an idio….” He never got the last word out, he just ran for the transporter. A wall of Metamorph met him there.
“You didn’t really think you’d try to kill us and we’d let you go with out thanking you did you?” Ggnictee said as he drew excalaber.
“Z-MAGE! HELP ME!!!!!!!!” The man screamed. Suddenly a portal opened beneath him and he fell into is. It closed before our heroes could get through.
“Wohle Scheiße, die Brüste der Mutterhoffnung haben trockenes laufen gelassen.”
Metamorph almost asked what that meant but he’d learned not to ask about Ggnictee’s alien cursing long ago.
Eskanina however had not been around long enough to learn not to ask, “What does that mean?”
“You probably don’t want to know.”
“He’s probably right.” Metamorph added
“Hey guys!” It was Captain Planet on the intercom, “we found T and have we got a story for you guys.”
“We have a whopper up here too.”
“Nessun produttore del fantasma della merda..” Ggnictee nodded his head.
Eskanina looked at him and raised her hand but before she could ask Metamorph shook his head at her and they walked to the cargo bay in silence.
As the heroes left the cargo bay, they didn't notice one of the bay personnel watching them rather closely. After they left, the man casually walked around a corner and pulled out a communicator.
"This is Blank."
"I hear you. Are you on a scrambled channel?"
"Yes."
"Good. Status report."
"The diversion worked. I am on board. I will monitor the Infinities and report back periodically on their status."
"Excellent. Make sure they don't catch on to you."
"They won't. Blank out."
As the man put away the communicator, he suddenly changed his form to appear like another average man. He then left the cargo bay.
Aboard the Devastator, the Infinities were disturbed to hear of Z-Mage's newest lackey, this Holo who seem as impervious to pain or injury as T-1000 was. Spidercide, Captain Planet and T-1000 in turn were just as disturbed to learn that Z-Mage had been behind the holodeck sabotage. It was becoming clearer and clearer that the team would have to pay a little visit to the sorcerer. However, that would have to wait, for as Captain Planet pointed out, the competition was tomorrow. The crew all returned to their quarters and rested, except for T-1000, who did not need rest and instead decided to see if he could determine where that one Scotsman had disappeared too.
Meanwhile, in an abandoned warehouse in downtown Khazan, located near the Khazan arena, Z-Mage was not pleased.
"You fool, you were given orders not to attack any of them until I said so," said Z-Mage as he lifted Holo into the air and held before a giant prism that, with a little help from Z-Mage's magic, would reduce Holo to light molecules.
"But I could've taken him. He was strong but sooner or later he would have gotten tired, and then he would have bee mine."
"You fool, the one you attacked is an android, he doesn't need rest any more than you do, and he is as impervious to pain as you are. And though, despite the fact that you two should be exactly evenly matched, you still lost to him."
"He just threw and then ran away, I could have beaten him eventually."
Z-Mage sighed, and then dropped Holo to the ground.
"Bah, I have no use for excuses. I must act quickly, before someone discovers my other agent on board their very Devastator, as for you, stay here. And if you dare to cross me again, I shall turn you into a light bulb."
Z-Mage then left Holo and began to think. Soon, the Infinities would fight some of the most powerful teams in all of Khazan, there had to be a way to turn this to his advantage, and he was beginning to think of way how.
There were many dogs in Khazan's Abandoned Building District: For When You Just Need to Destroy a City. The Bad Guys didn't take any notice when one dog, a small, female, tailless Australian shepherd that looked like that dog from Babe, not the psycho dog, the good dog. Nice dog. Does the good dog wan a cookie? Does she? Does she? Sorry, I got a little carried away. Anyway, they didn't notice when that dog looked through a hole in the wall and appeared to be listening. When it barked and disappeared with a flash of light and a weird sound effect they got the Idea that something was up.
"Smeg! That dog must have been a spy! Why didn't you notice that!?" Z-Mage screamed at his newest henchma... erm, henchPERSON, Veritae.
"The dog was being truthful sir."
"How can a dog be truthful?"
"It wasn't a shapeshifter and it didn't bark anything to the effect of 'Nope, I'm not spying on you, nope, not me,' just the opposite in fact."
"How can you tell?"
"Truth is universal."
Meanwhile, on the Devastator, Metamorph was waiting in the transporter room waiting while Ggnictee walked in.
"Oh, there you are," he said, "the Cap sent me to get you, he's taking us all out to the Mos Isley Cantina. I didn't even know that there was one onboard."
"Well, just give me a minute, I'm waiting for an old friend, Matildah, she'll be here any minute."
"Oh really," Ggnictee said, suddenly interested, "What's she look like?"
"Well, she's short, cute, she's got brown eyes, a long tongue, black hair on her head, face and all down her back and legs, a short tail, a sort of poofy white thing on her neck, sharp, pointy teeth and a big nose that's covered with white hair."
"On second thought," said Ggnictee who was turning green, "I'm not all that hungr-" he was cut off abruptly by a beam-in special effect and that dog from the last scene appeared on the pad.
"Who's a good doggy? Who is? Who is? That's right, you are! Yes you are a good doggy! Yes you are! Oh, yes, Ggnictee, Matildah, Matildah, Ggnictee. SHAKE! Good girl! Ggnictee, you're looking at the smartest dog in the universe, she makes Lassie look like the Taco Bell dog."
"Oh, it's a dog? I thought you meant a person?" but Metamorph wasn't listening, or at least not to Ggnictee, he appeared to be listing to the dog.
"Crap! She says that the sabaturer is still on the ship and-"
Sabaturer?
"Saboteur, sorry. Anyway, he's still on ship and he's a shapeshifter, we've got to warn them!"
Unfortunately, he was distracted as soon as they walked in the Bar/Restaurant. They were approached by a 6-breasted waitress wearing very little to cover any of them up.
"Cejfepk, fjfo?"
Subtitle: Can I help you?
Metamorph pulled out a phrase book.
"Fjgfljse fjeojj."
Subtitle: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
"Oh stop with the Monty Python routine, Narrator?"
Yes?
"Can you narrate in a built in translator?"
Sure, no problem.
"Great, thanks.
Anytime.
"We're with the Infinities, party of 8."
"Oh, yes, right this way."
"Hey, T-1000, why aren't you going in?"
"No droids, remember?"
"Is that legal?" Ggnictee whispered to Metamorph.
"Sadly yes. They still haven't been able to rid the multiverse of DNAcism."
They arrived at the table where 5 different kinds of drinks were already on the table, Water for Captain Planet, Pepsi for Jimmy, Wine for Deacon (What, you were expecting something else? That's the main course.) Peach Brandy for Esk and pints of Beer for Spidy and Ggnictee.
"Ah, glad you're here, we were just about to order."
"How can you be ready to order? There's no menus."
"You don't need them here, 'Morph. It's all replicated."
Another waitress came up that made the other one look like a nun. Metamorph started to boil away.
"What'll it be?"
"I'll have some concentrated solar energy," Said Captain Planet, "Spidercide?"
"Chili cheese dog and fries, Esk?"
"Roast beef and mashed potatoes, Deacon?"
"1 liter of AB positive, at 98.6, Jimmy?"
"2 slices of pizza with everything, Metamorph?"
"Meat pie floater, no ketchup and a root beer, Matilda?"
"Bowl of water and some Kibble's n' Bits, Ggnictee?"
Wait a minute, since when does the dog talk?"
"The Universal Translator, Remember? I'll have the haggis, Cap?"
"I did mine already."
"Oh, right. Anyway, we've got to warn you, this dog here, she-"
Ladies and gentlemen," said their waitress, "it is the Mos Eisley Cantina's great pleasure to welcome, tonight, in this very bar, the Infinities!" a spotlight was turned on their table which then sprouted a T-1000.
"Hey guys, I managed to get in and what's with the bight light?"
"It's a tribute or something. Just smile and wave."
"And, since tonight's Kareoke night they're gonna come up here and perform a song for us!"
"No, no, no, no, NO!"
"Who wants the Infinities to sing!" most of the bar yelled out "We do!"
"No, no, no," said Captain Planet, "We're trying to become respectable superheroes here, we don't just break into songs and-get back here!" but the rest of the team was already on stage. T-1000 and Spidercide had morphed into the Blues Brothers, Metamorph was Elvis and King Ggnictee had used the shapechange amulet to turn into John Lennon. "Oh, what the smeg. What's the song?" he shouted out as he joined the others.
"'We didn't start the fire', by Billy Joel."
"Sounds like fun."
As the band started up and the heroes started to sing, the waitress put her mouth to her watch, which pretty much accounted for much of her clothing.
"Everything is going as planned, Z-Mage."
Now it is never a good thing when a group of people; 5 of whom can change what they look like, 3 are certified Jedi, 1 who sucks blood and another who flies, and all of whom could easily take out half the French army, get completely smashed in a bar on the night before the opening ceremonies for their month long battle with some of the greatest heroes of all time. (Fortunately for our heroes this is pretty much the norm and so the ceremonies are held pretty late in the day, and there’s lots of coffee)
Unfortunately for our heroes it does not make figuring out who you’re waking up with easier.
Jimmy the Dead woke up with a blonde and bourbon in his hands.
Spidercide and Eskanina woke up in the same room, however Spidercide was asleep on the couch, he was so drunk he was respectful.
Metamorph woke up with a brunet named Sally in one arm, a ham sandwich named Jessie in his other hand, a bottle of Jack Daniel’s in the other hand, and a dog at the foot of the bed. And oddly enough he remembered everything except how the dog got there, 200 coffee cups and an hour later he remembered.
Captain Planet woke up alone having been the only sensible one and not gotten completely wasted.
However Deacon Briars and Ggnictee made up for this by each waking up with two unidentified persons.
T-1000 did not wake up with anyone, because he did not wake up at all. He was also the only one besides Planet who showed up to the scheduled meeting (he turned himself into a throw rug and the meeting was canceled because Planet went back to sleep thinking he was the only one who showed.)
While waiting for the others to regain consciousness, he did find something interesting. Last night before they had left he’d noticed that one of the waitresses had gotten very drunk and had slunk in a corner and morphed into someone else. He had become curious and after a quick run through of “Another one bites the dust.” He went to investigate. What he found was bad.
The waitress was not a waitress but ANOTHER spy. He had tried to detain the spy but was drug off by a drunken and non-understanding Spidercide. The person must have seen him looking at him, because as he was being drug away the shifter jumped up, said something into his communicator and disappeared though a portal.
The next morning T-1000 had the computer scan everyone aboard, and set it to alert the Infinities if there were any changes amongst the crew.
He waited in the conference room until the others showed up. With everyone there he began the meeting, “Guys I’ve got bad news, last night…” he then told the story of what happened last night that this narrator does not care to repeat so just go look up there if you want to read it. …”so anyway I’m pretty sure he’s from Z. and we have to be planet side in …5 hours for the opening ceremonies.”
“SMEG!” said the Captain
“Damn!” said Jimmy
“Il nord ad ovest della vostra base, quello è notizie difettose.” Said Ggnictee.
“What?” said Eskanina, who then quickly added, “never mind I don’t want to know.”
They then went over last minute preparations and went to the Relentless, determined to make the most spectacular entrance since the JLA nearly destroyed half the arena showing up to their own competition.
At the backstage of the Khazan Arena, the Infinities were making last-minute preparations for their entrance and first battle. They stretched out, did a quick check-up on their equipment, and read over the few rules they were given:

Ye Olde Restrictions Concerning Battles and Duels Involving Groups, Parties, and Teams of Like-Minded Warriors, Fighters, Heroes, and the Like in This, Ye Grand Arena of the Multiverse of Khazan:

And after awaking Metamorph, they skimmed through until they got to the actual rules:

Rule 1. The General Rule of Khazan Arena Battles is that Anything Goes. Whatever Skills, Weapons, and Powers Natural, Supernatural, Elemental, Technical, Magikical, or Unknown each combatant has are expected to be used to the fullest.
Rule 2. However, Lethal Force is Not to be used at any and all times.

“Looks like Deacon's going to have to lose his guns.” Spidercide said glumly.
“Nope, just can’t use real bullets. Still have those rubber bullets though.” Deacon said as he checked up on his guns.

Rule 2a: Since, however, certain Combatants have differing levels of Stamina and Vigor, what can be considered Lethal Force to One will not be considered Lethal Force to Another.

“So that means...”
“That I can use my ammo on those who won’t drop dead when I shoot them.”

Rule C: (Please Note, we‘re not that good at Arranging and Categorizing things)
Battle between Teams shall Commence until All Members of a Team are Incapacitated by One Means or Another.

“Way to state the obvious.” Cap said.
“So, who are we gonna fight first?”, Jimmy asked.
“Don’t know. The first battle is picked out of a hat. The rest are arranged one way or another.”
“So who can we expect to fight?” Eskarina inquired.
“We won’t know until we fight the first battle, but we can expect the heavy hitters. The Avengers, the Earth Special Forces, the JLA...”
“The who?”
“Yeah, Deacon, we may be fighting them as well.”
“No Cap, I asked who is the JLA?”
“OH MY GOD!!!”, as basically the entire team yelled at the poor assassin. “You don’t know who the JLA are?!?!”
“Great Gaia Deacon, forgive me for asking this, but what rock were you living under?”
“The kind where I had no idea about multiple dimensions until I got sent here, remember?” Deke said as he got visibly steamed.
“Whoa there boys”, Eskie said as she got between Cap and Deke, “Let’s not get mad at each other.”
“You’re right. Sorry Deke, sometimes I forget that not all of us were drawn here by choice. You forgive me?”
“I don’t have much of a choice. Now, would you please tell me..”
“Who the JLA are, right. Well, JLA stands for Justice League of America, they’re a team of organized superheroes from one of the parallel earths. They‘re really powerful.”
“Yeah, especially if Flash-God’s there.”
“Who’s Flash-God, Metamorph?”
“The Flash, he can run past the speed of light like nothing. I’ve heard that he could take an entire team down in a split-second.”
“Damn.”
“That’s pretty much the understatement of the year. And the rest of the JLA are some pretty skilled individuals as well.”
“Weeping Creeping Jesus.” Deacon silently swore under his breath. “We have to fight twenty of these teams and these guys are on the list?”
“There are teams we could face that humble the JLA too.”
“Oh Good God. What else can happen?”
“Hi-ya everybody! Did’ja miss me?”
The team turned to see Harley Quinn bound down the corridor towards them.
“It’s Harley!” Metamorph screamed. As Harley got there, Meta knelt to his knee, formed pseudopods around himself, and morphed to resemble the Knights of Monty Python’s Holy Grail.
“Oh sweet fair and all-mighty Lady Quinn, we doth bow down to your uttermost excellence and radiance.”
“Flattery will get ya everything with me, you big blue lug!” as Harley planted a kiss on Meta’s cheek.
“Hommina-Hommina-Ha-WAA!” Metamorph murmured as he melted into a puddle.
“Huh, all that and he speaks Cherokee.”
“Harley, what are you doing here?” Captain Planet asked.
“Why not! Besides, we’re gonna be broadcasting the bouts for Pay-per-view. This joint hasn't been jumping this wildly since Pat and Jay’s All Star Battle Royalle!”
“Great, now clown-girl's gonna be on our backs.” Deke, who as anybody could figure out was having a bad day, growled.
“Hey there, Mister Grumpy! Don’t think I’d didn’t remember ya, huh? By the way, you didn‘t answer my question from last time. Boxers or Briefs?”
Deacon suddenly grew very distressed at Harley. The rest of the team, and poor Harley herself, stood paralyzed as Deacon eyes grew red, his fangs popped, and he looked like he was about to vent his anger at poor Miss Quinn.
Luckily and fortunately, Deacon quickly regained his composure.
“Aw screw it. Sorry about getting angry with you, I’m just really stressed out right now. Forgive me, do your job. And, if it will get you off my back, boxers.”
“Thanks! And don’t worry bout getting mad, it happens to all of us. And just to show there’s no hard feelings...”
Harley grabbed Deacon’s face with both hands and suddenly pulled off a great big kiss on him.
SMMMAAAACCCCKKKK!!!!!!
“Good luck in the fights, big guy!”
Deacon stood there stunned for a while.
“Attention, attention” the loudspeakers bellowed, “Ten minutes until the opening ceremonies. Repeat, ten minutes until the opening ceremonies.”
“Oops, gotta go guys! Good luck in the bouts! Hope you win! I’ve got five bucks riding on ya!” as Harley ran off.
“Well guys, time to get ready. Deacon, snap out of it. Metamorph, pull yourself back together! Come on, everyone, time to make history!”

“Wait!” Jimmy the dead yelled out to the others, having not been entirely happy with having to incapacitate anyone without actually killing them, “check this out, there’s a clause on rule 2.”
“What?” said Planet having been the only one completely satisfied with rule 2, in fact there are those who said he was near giddy.
“Yeah, look!”

Rule 2 Clause A: Since the instillation of the Battle Undo System in the Khasan Arenas, Rule 2 has been ratified to say, “Lethal force can be used when deemed appropriate assuming that the BUS is in good working order and operating during the fight.

One minute to Whoop-@$$!

They said their battle cries:
Planet:"The Power Is Mine!"
Ggnictee:"Die Schlacht wird verbunden!"
Metamorph:"Close Cover Before Striking!"
Jimmy:"You're MINE!"
Spidercide:"With Great Power Comes Great Whoop-@$$!"
Esk:"Eata Beta Pi!"
Deacon:"Fae Victus!"
T-1000:
T-1000:
Are You Listening To Me:"I'm A Robot, I Don't Do Battle Cries."
Well Do Something:"I'm Afraid I Can't Do That, Narrator"
Better than nothing.
"Ladies, gentlemen, hermaphrodites, androgens, transvestites, transsexuals, those for whom it's strictly a matter of choice, pre-ops, robots, biennium, those who have rejected rigid social gender structure and anyone whose had a nasty accident with a transporter! The first fight in the tournament for the Infinites," the announcer paused, expecting to hear someone say "I thought we were KLID" but, sadly, they had decided on a name, "is about to begin! Fight number one: The Infinites vs...Team Calvin!!!"

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