| I WONDER |
| I wonder why I'm here. What have I done so far? I suppose I was successful as a daughter up to a point. As a child I was certainly well behaved giving my parents little reason to worry about my behavior or my academics. I couldn't get into too much trouble because I didn't do much. I had very few friends and next to no activities that I didn't do with my parents. And that was fine with me. I was comfortable being with my parents and didn't seek to have much input on my own life. I loved having my Mom help me with things and didn't seek independence. Then came college and although I could do things for myself, I still sought help from Mom just for the companionship. I had success in college studies, but just like in high school, I did just enough to get by. Luckily, getting by for me was rather high level but never enough to really get into something with a passion. I liked learning but never got wrapped up in any one thing. I never perfected a "craft", even the craft of my chose profession--teaching. Actually that was chosen our of resignation. It wasn't anything I actively pursued, but rather fell into because there didn't seem to be anything else. I had never dated in my life and suddenly during my first sophomore college semester someone of the male persuasion was seeking my company. I was so delighted I acted like a goof. I'm surprised he even followed through with the invitation. I had no idea how to date or to be a girl friend so I left all decisions up to him just like I had left them to my parents. He came up with the ideas for activities and found me to be a very compliant person. I believe that is why we finallly married--I was easy to manage. I could be formed in his image with no argument. At some point I knew I wasn't like him but remained in his power through my own lack of power. I had at some point given up my power. No one ever really took it from me. I wanted it back and didn't know how to get it. I was a teacher. Right from the beginning it was obvious that I was not meant for that career. Having taken over as a long-term substitute, I had no control over the class and no idea what to do with them. That my be in part due to the fact that as a student teacher I did what was expected and nothing more. I didn't question. I didn't try anything. I didn't initiate anything. I had no philosophy on education. So when I applied to continue at the school I was in on a different grade level, they asked to see me in action first. That was completely bogus because I was just operating on the regular teacher's lesson plans. I can always follow through on someone else's initiative. Left to my own devices I was awful. Again I had no control of the class, kept a sloppy class, and was often challenged to even know what to do with them. We were supposed to be observed, but due to the fact that I had a principal who was not functioning to capacity, my observations were basically him coming into the room to have me sign my observation write-up. The actual observation had never occurred. Then comes the new principal. I was found lacking and would have lost my job if I hadn't sought a new level and gone to see the very kind superintendent to plead my case. Somehow I survived to 25 years of service before retiring. My performance continued to be substandard even though I could pull-off decent observation that were really observations. I could always teach the subject matter but I couldn't deal with uncooperative students. And then I just got tired. After the kids left I roamed from one thing to another aimlessly having no goals. I never could write lesson plans and often didn't even when commanded. I had to rush in of sick days to prepare something for the substitute. My favorite days were illegal sick days where I just stayed home alone living in my fantasy world. I became a mother, and a powerless mother is a scary thing. I could have given my life for my child but I couldn't ask for the things that both she and I needed. I didn't want to work but was forced to by necessity and because my husband figured if his mother worked, I should. I was so concerned with filling in the gaps that were left by a less than enthusiastic father that I couldn't be a feal mother. I had no plan because I could make no plan with my husband who was only concerned with being in charge. It was a constant battle to give them both what they wanted and needed and I failed at both because there was no unity. And I didn't demand it. I didn't demand anything of myself other than panic, and I didn't demand anything of anyone else other than volotile peace. In giving in to everyone I pleased no one including myself. And my husband and daughter thought I was always siding with the other. It just depended on who was stronger at the moment. |