Back

I feel like life is passing me by I dont have enough courage to do what I want. I have trouble expressing myself. I used to walk in a coma now i'm more aware. Somewhat. High school - senior year + junior year, grades dropped in all subjects requiring work. Why should I work so hard for A's when dad blows up about one C when the rest are A's. I used to get 3 a's two b's and one C or D and he blows up like an uumpa loompa from Willy Wonka's Choclate factory.No congratz on the a's and b's. He's always focussing on the negative and tearing me down. Everytime I'd voice my opinion about a subject he'd cut me off saying opinions are worthless in the work environment. I feel ingrained with the idea that I'm worthless. I feel alone, I have few friends. The only person I've ever trusted in my life is my cousin Dan. Self Pity, I have no friends. I feel like a husk around Dad and people that have known me for a long time. Everything I enjoy doing I enjoy only because it lets me escape my life. Reading(Fiction, Fantasy) new worlds to explore Computer Games (Ultima Online, Everquest) Shadow lives online games. Movies (new stories to dive into) Rollerblading (Lose my mind in my thoughts I feel like I've been conditioned to feel like my opinion and self worth are worthless and that expressing myself is just a waste of everyone's time. I've never had a girlfriend because "she deserves better" "i'm worthless" I want to be optimistic but everything around me seems to emit a negativity. I dont feel alive, i feel dead, numb, oblivious. Everyone I know with the exception of my cousins and uncle bill push me around. theres nothing that can be done. Hope is lost. I want to live life to the fullest but I can't. I'm chained down. Conditioned to abhor drugs and alcohol and have few friends. All gone now. Music is my release my only way out. It helped me change my thinking. I heard somewhere that music can change brainwaves so I listened to the music that people I wanted to be like listened to and at first didn't like it but it grew. I feel like my lifes wasted. I've none or little willpower. It never lasts for long. Dad used and abuses a lot of people. I trust Dan but . . . I get the feeling that its just a big waste of his time and mine. I sleep 10 hours and feel drained, 8 hours and I can barely get up. Little or no energy.