HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE

1. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

2. If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?

3. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.

4. What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape.

5. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

6. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather...kinky is using the whole chicken.

7. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

8. What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.

9. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...Men will screw anything.

10. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with...theother is used to carry groceries.

11. Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

12. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

13. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

14. What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.

15. Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

16. Q. Why don't blind people skydive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

17. Q. What has four legs and an arm?
A. A happy pit-bull

18. Q. What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A. A robber snatches watches.

19. Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them. Two have a stroke...but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.

20. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Things I Heard On Halloween That Sounded Dirty But Weren't:
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag . . . . OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement."
"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand."
"He who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs."

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
I finally got my head together ... and my body fell apart.
Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go but fat cells live forever.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a month or so and it shrinks two sizes.
I don't mind the rat race but I sure could do with a little more cheese.
You know you're in bad shape when:
* You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
* The sun is too loud.
* Trees begin to chase you.
* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
* You can hear mimes.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. * Things become "Very Clear."
* You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
* You and Reality file for divorce.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can skip without a rope.
* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
* You can travel without moving.
* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
Did You Know?
* A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
* A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.
* The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of ingredients in the sauce.
* A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
* Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
* The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
* A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
* A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. For example, if strong-tasting substance like salt is placed on a dry tongue, the taste buds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of saliva is added and the salt is dissolved, however, a definite taste sensation results.
* A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.
* Some insects can live up to a year without their heads. Some people I've known fit into this category.
* Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
* Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with Midnight Cowboy. Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
* A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
* A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
* 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
* Every person has a unique tongue print.
* The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.
* Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles (jaws) into position stretch out at right angles to the stem, and, with legs dangling, fall asleep.
* During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
* Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
* On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
* John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
* Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
* Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate effects a dog's heart and nervous system, a few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
* Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
* Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. Before the 1950's it was made from hemp--the stem and leaves of a marijuana plant.
* Most lipstick contains fish scales.
* Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
* Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
* Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
* Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
* Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
* The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
* Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower', because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
* There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
* There are no words in the dictionaries that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
* The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
* The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
* Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
* Bubble gum contains rubber.
* Human birth control pills work on gorillas.
* The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA.'
* By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
* Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby-Doo.
* Cat's urine glows under a black light.
* Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
* Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
* An elephant can smell water three miles away.
* Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
* Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
*Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool! He changed it every 2 innings!
* Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

Strange Laws

And we thought some of OUR laws were strange...
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
(umm OK, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense...)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Ouch!)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (...a brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is capitation. (Wonder how they enforce that one?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. COOL)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (I shudder at the thought. How many of us would be virgins today?)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (We have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?)
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY??

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
-- Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE BEST AGE TO MARRY??

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
-- Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
-- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED??

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
-- Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON??

"Both don't want no more kids."
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
-- Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR??

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
-- Craig, age 12

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE??

"When they're rich."
-- Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
-- Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out."
-- Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
-- Anita, age 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
-- Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED??

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
-- Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now."
-- Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK??

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it."
-- Lori, age 8

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
-- Ricky, age 10

NEW WORDS FOR 2000

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm reboot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located."
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS:Well Off Older Folks
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