Newly added entries that will be filtered to different sections later!
A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he told his wife, "This Sunday, I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday."
"What!?" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about!"
"I don't think so," he said, "it's a problem we need to address."
The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about, somewhat warily.
"As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays."
"That's idiotic!" the wife says. "First of all, it's a dumb sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won't be in church! Why don't you preach about sex or something people are interested in?"
"Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water-skiing on Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly.
The wife says, "Well, I'm not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I'm staying in the car. You can tell the congregation I'm sick or something."
And she stayed in the car.
As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he got to thinking maybe his wife was right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on sex in modern society.
When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher's car and said to the pastor's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this parish."
"I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject," the wife snapped. "He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times!"
To women everywhere from a man who's had enough
- If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. Don't allow it to outsmart you, If it's up, put it down.
- If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
- Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
- Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
- Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
- Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
- Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
- When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
- Crying is blackmail.
- Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
- No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
- Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
- Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
- Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
- Check your own oil.
- It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
- Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
- You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
- If it itches, it will be scratched.
- Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
- If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
- What the hell is a doily?
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
"Oh my god, I am soooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex
many times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replied, .... "You just happened to catch my eye!"
For anyone who's ever been in the Ohio State Fair Band
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE BEEN AT THE FAIR TOO LONG...
10. If you can't sleep, you won't count sheep - there is always an incessant
BAAing going on in your head
9. You go back to your home school, but still march like an AOSFBer, therefore making a total fool of yourself
8. You threaten to quit band if a polka is not played (and you can dance to it) during each and every concert
7. Band concerts aren't the same without John Zipay's color commentary.
6. You get a craving for fast food, but can't seem to find Tracey's anywhere
5. You come home from the fair with enough Super Chamois samples to sew your own full-size cloth - and it DIDN'T cost you $19.95
4. Words like "gig" and "fuzzy" scare you poopless
3. For a week after you come home, you eat omelets for breakfast everyday, but otherwise avoid all forms of chicken and/or potatoes like the plague
2. You wonder why your alarm clock doesn't play "Tank and Ed"
And the number one sign you've been at the fair too long...
1. WHY DOESN'T EVERY FOOTBALL HALFTIME SHOW END WITH THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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