Now, I must warn you know that this has some variable, and to some people maybe even distasteful content, but it pales in comparison to what else can be found on the internet. Hey, it's no worse than watching the news, and by the way, none of these are my own, that section will be coming shortly. So in no paticular order, some of the most time consuming (and a few are actually worth while!) stories and quote lists in E-mail circulation!


"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement."
"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand."
"He who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs."

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
I finally got my head together ... and my body fell apart.
Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go but fat cells live forever.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a month or so and it shrinks two sizes.
I don't mind the rat race but I sure could do with a little more cheese.
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston, Massachusetts, received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the Daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"
THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD NAME : Expecteria Trouserius"
(Trouser Snake)
LOCATION : Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION : Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS : This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT : Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE : Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:

TORNIQUE : Do not apply a tornique as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND : This would be completely unneccessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND : This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE :

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3.This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
You know you're in bad shape when:
* You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
* The sun is too loud.
* Trees begin to chase you.
* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
* You can hear mimes.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. * Things become "Very Clear."
* You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
* You and Reality file for divorce.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can skip without a rope.
* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
* You can travel without moving.
* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time.
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
1. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

2. If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?

3. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.

4. What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape.

5. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

6. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather...kinky is using the whole chicken.

7. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

8. What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.

9. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...Men will screw anything.

10. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with...theother is used to carry groceries.

11. Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

12. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

13. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

14. What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.

15. Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

16. Q. Why don't blind people skydive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

17. Q. What has four legs and an arm?
A. A happy pit-bull

18. Q. What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A. A robber snatches watches.

19. Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them. Two have a stroke...but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.

20. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Things I Heard On Halloween That Sounded Dirty But Weren't:
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag . . . . OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

Divers out of Louisiana perform underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email one diver sent to his sister. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter...

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp, then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck, this floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within afew seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened...

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. The crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamberdry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to put it on my butt when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't take a crap for two days because my butt...was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your butt.

I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable.

Al Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole damn country happy."

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and to his surprise, music begins playing. "On the road again...Just can't wait to get back on the road again..." The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. "On the road again...just can't wait to get back on the road again..." "So what," the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

Only in Australia ... This is based on a story from a local paper.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Educational Playmates(R) is proud to announce the newest in edutainment:

The Talking Trombone Teacher Doll

This revolutionary doll simulates a real-life trombone teacher, and through our sophisticated CriticFunâ(c) software, this doll not only learns the sound of your trombone playing, but tailors its lessons to your progress.
Features include lessons on Rochut book one, Tuba Mirum, Bolero, and basic slide technique. (Intonation lesson not available with this model.)


Talking Trombone Teacher Doll comes in Plush (Approachable) and Rubber (Spineless), and with your choice of outfit:

Jazz Trombone Teacher Doll:
In addition, you may choose a joke/anecdote repertoire for your Trombone Teacher Doll.

Order Talking Trombone Teacher Doll today for only:
$175 for four lessons, or
$100 for 10 lessons.
Also available: Farting Trombone Teacher Doll.

Joe, a dynamite jazz saxophone player is killed in a car crash, dies instantly, and finds himself before St. Peter at the front gate of heaven.

St. Peter checks The Book, "You're not listed, to hell you must go!"

As Joe approaches, he hears this fantastic jazz sounds emanating from beyond hell's door. Satan warmly greets him with a smile, "Welcome, son, come on in, there's a spot reserved just for you!"

Joe remarks, "Surely, this can't be hell?"

"Why, of course it is, my son, we play the best jazz music around!" Satan replies.

As Joe settles in his seat, he's given a fabulous sounding saxophone and gets right into the groove with the rest of the band. He's in his glory, wailing out notes he never knew existed. Then the lead player motions for him to get up and play his solo which he executes with the greatest of ease.

"Man, oh, man, I would have never tho't hell would be like this! This is heaven!" he says to himself.

Finished, he sits down and continues playing thro' several more solos by other band members. He's getting tired now and leans over to the next guy and asks, "Hey, man, so when do we go to the CODA?"

The guy replies, "We NEVER go to the CODA!"

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE

In honor of Charles Schultz, who's just retired Charlie Brown and the gang.

Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though they've been around almost 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With apologies to Charles Schulz:

Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic-depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.

Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. Only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.

Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.

Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, California. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.

Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Babboo. Sells Mary Kay.

Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."

Snoppy:
In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy farm in Snoopy's memory.

[I wonder what ever happened to the "Little Redheaded Girl"?]

Continue on the next page of random "thoughts" or return to previous page. The choices are your and yours alone! 1