The Star Ship Enterprise floated seemingly endlessly through the black empty space which lay before it. It's mission? To boldly go where no-one had gone before. Why? Nobody else was stupid enough to want to. But that wasn't the real reason. No. Mission Control was searching for something. A planet, a comet, anything they could stick a flag into. Earth, it seemed, was acquiring itself a galactic empire.
The ship's captain, Commander Scrop, wandered down the outer hallway of the Enterprise and paused to look out one of the many windows into the vast void that was space. Nothing greeted his eyes for light years in each direction, save a few small asteroids and a planet. Y'know, just the norm. Strange those little things never seem to hit the windows, he mused. And the windows never seemed to need cleaning, either. But after all, he thought, we are the goodies in this galaxy, strong and noble in our cause. He tipped his hat smartly to a passing crew member, and carried on his way to the Centre of Control.
Commander Scrop arrived on the main deck and assumed his favourite chair, situated in the centre of the room. Centre of attention, he thought smugly. The chair was cushy, red, just the job. It faced the large screen which dominated the Centre of Control. As he sat, the screen flicked on, and a figure appeared on the screen. Mission Control was making contact.
Commander Scrop straightened up in his chair, and addressed the screen. "Sir," he said.
"What have you to report, Scrop? Something, I hope. You ain't done nothing but float around since you lef," rapped out the figure on the screen.
"A small planet has been sighted. Devoid of intelligent life. Read: everything on there's thick as pigshit. Landing will occur tomorrow, at 0900 hours," Scrop replied.
Very well, Commander. I expect a report when you're done."
The figure swivelled around on his chair so it's back faced Scrop, and the screen flicked off. Scrop swore lightly. Bloody nosy bastards, up there at Mission Control. He left the comfort of his chair, and walked onto a flat metal disc the size of a Tractor tyre, embedded onto the floor. He tapped a badge on his left shoulder, muttered "Storage 1," and disappeared.
Storage 1 was a large, grey room, packed with supplies for the missions (all, of course, noble and dangerous) he and his intrepid crew embarked upon from time to time to keep up their reputations as bold and noble. Inside it, a figure with greenish skin hurried around, packing provisions for their latest jaunt.
Commander Scrop materialised on the flat metal disc on the centre of the room, and Droid rushed over to meet him.
"Just checking on progress," Scrop said, greeting Droid with a firm shake of the hand.
Droid smiled. "Everything under control, sir. Packs ready, as you ordered. Guns and backup ammo over there," Droid pointed to a pile of packages in the corner, "hand grenades here" again he pointed to a pile by the wall, this time of matted green egg shaped objects "and hammers and nails over here. And last but not least, the flag." He pointed in their respective directions, and looked satisfied. Scrop nodded his head. A competent Droid, he thought. Read: All I have to do is sit on my ass all day and order himaround, and he'll obey. But by god, that uniform was tight. Those trousers were like reincarnations of last century's spray on Jeans. 'It's not the 1980s,' thought Scrop disgustingly, and resolved to send Droid to the seamstress to fix him up before he gave himself a galactic wedgie. Scrop bid Droid goodbye , returned to the metal disc, transported himself to his quarters and went to bed. After all, even big boys need their rest. Read: Attractive concubine secretly smuggled in earlier waiting to rock his cradle to sleep.
0900 hours. The small gathering at centre point control were milling about, performing last minute tasks. Commander Scrop surveyed the group from his chair. At the head of the group was a large man, Klingon by origin. His skin and eyes were a dark, coffee brown. His forehead was grooved with scars, which met in the middle tolook like a deformed Mars bar.
Next was Lucy Walters. With shining flaxen hair pulled back into a neat, economical bun, and striking blue eyes she was certainly a looker, with a figure to match. Scrop let his eyes travel down and then up her body, lips curving in male appreciation. Must impress her later, he thought.
Lucy Walters glanced up at Commander Scrop, and noticed his eyes travelling herbody. "Bloody Pervert", she thought to herself, and turned away.
Scrop turned his scrutiny to Droid, the android he had visited in Storage 1 the day before. Droid was built to perfect human proportions. Scrop secretly wondered about his anatomy's size, curious about what 'perfect' was, but dismissed it from his mind. Maybe he had plastic undies that didn't come off, like the Ken Doll. His skin was of an odd greenish colour, as if he had permanent motion sickness. "Hasn't anyone ever toldhim about stage makeup?" Scrop thought.
Scrop moved his eye over to Susan, the head of the Social Committee. Village Bimbo. Blonde hair, blue eyes, curvaceous figure, flirtatious smile. She turned around and flashed her smile to Scrop. He felt himself blush, and averted his eyes.
Finally, all tasks were complete. Scrop stood up and wandered over to the window. Just below, growing out of the black, was the small planet his ship had been observing for days. That planet was their destination today, as they planned to land on it and claim it as part of the expanding Earthian Empire. Scrop turned around abruptly and strode over to the speed control panel. "Warp factor 5," he barked to the attendant, looked to see if Lucy was watching, and pressed some bright flashing buttons at random. A flashing yellow one turned to flashing red as he touched it, and started to make beeping noises. Scrop backed away hurriedly, and stood on the disc. "Mission ready for transportation," he announced in authoritative tones, and led the group onto a metal disc in the corner of the room. Once all were assembled, the group touched their hands to their small metal badges in perfect synchronisation. "Energise, Mr Scott," barked Scrop. Scotty, Lift Attendant with a promotion, pulled the switch beside the transport pad. A pink bunny skied it's way across the room behind the pad. The purple laser beam swept down the group, and they vanished into thin air, their particleshurtling through space to land on Planet X.
One by one, the particles reassembled to form the Explorer Unit 1, or EU1 for short. Once the jigsaw puzzles assembled, Scrop looked around. His eyes rested on Mars Bar. "Pull yourself together, man!" A command. Mars Bar looked down guiltily, and saw his feet where his hands should be, hands where feet should be, mouth on his elbow, and an ear stuck to his left kneecap. He hurriedly put his foot to his badge andreassembled.
EU1 had arrived in a small clearing, surrounded by dense vegetation. "Gee, howconvenient," thought Scrop. "What a perfect place to set up camp."
First plan of action, Scrop decided, was to build a small cabin as the base, where he could rest and command from. He, Commander Scrop, wasn't gonna sleep in no damned tent! He touched his metal badge. "Beam us Aboard, Scotty," he said. A 2x4 fell out of the sky and materialised by his feet. Scrop looked at it with satisfaction. "On second thoughts, send us a whole bloody cabin!" Several more planks materialised by his feet. He sent his labour team to work with the hammer and nails Droid had supplied. He then climbed a ladder to the top of the cabin and inserted a pole into the top of the chimney (smart guy). As the material unfurled, it revealed the Earth flag. "I now claim this as part of the Earthian Empire, and name this planet Planet Scrop." He smiled smugly. The perks of being a captain, the thought, and climbed down the ladder again.
Mars Bar walked up to Scrop and produced a map of the galaxy. "We are here, commander". He stabbed is finger at a piece of black on the map. "Request permission to mark it."
"Request granted," said Scrop. Mars Bar produced a felt tip from behind his ear, and proceeded to mark their position with a cross.
"Commander, I really don't think you should put the flag in the chimney..." Mars Bar ventured.
Shut up. When I want your opinion, I'll damn well give it to you!" Scrop yelled inreply. Satisfied the meddling Mars Bar was put in his place, he unfolded a directors chair from his pack, and sat down in it. He dragged a megaphone from his bag in much theway Mary Poppins produced lampshades from her satchel, and settled himself down in the chair, preparing for a day of giving orders. "This is the life," he thought to himself. "Where I get to be a bossy bastard, and no-one can complain." He gave a contentedsigh, and began to command.
Darkness was beginning to fall at the camp station on Planet Scrop. Tents were erected, and a campfire lit. The entire EU1 gathered around the fire, toasting marshmallows on two pronged sticks. Scrop, of course, took two. "Attention," he commanded. The fire in front of him sizzled slightly, and Scrop wiped his chin. "Reports please."
Lucy Walters stood up. "Have taken flora samples Sir." She spat out the last word. Fire sizzled again. "Several new specimens identified Sir."
Skip the flowers, Scrop thought, this girl needs champagne! He nodded. Lucy was aware she had lost his attention. "That's all, Sir," she said, and sat down again. Creep, she thought.
Another lad stood up. "You were right about no intelligent life Sir. They're all either stationaryor stupid. Sir." He sat down again.
Several more reports followed. Then Susan stood up. Susan was a certain blonde with a certain figure and a certain fee. Scrop admired her from across the fire. "As head of the social committee," she bubbled, "we have decided to tell some campstories. To get into the team spirit." She smiled invitingly around the fire, tossed her hair, and sat down. Inwardly, everyone groaned. Except, of course, for Scrop. Seeing his chance to impress Lucy Walters, he launched into a long talk about himself.
His smooth voice had moving qualities - moving everyone at no dawdling pace towards their cabin. Scrop frowned slightly, produced a mirror from his pocket, andcontinued talking.
Susan, Social Committee Leader, was sharing a tent with Droid. A tactical move because no female could stand her, and Droid, devoid of feelings, was the only one she couldn't seduce, not that she didn't try. When she entered the tent, Droid was already asleep on his bedding roll. From the lamplight, Susan could see his green tinged skin and colourless lips. "Haven't you ever heard of foundation?" she muttered to herself. Then she had an idea. Susan was going to have some fun.
When Susan had finished, she stood back and admired her handiwork. Foundation had been used as a base, to eliminate the greenish tinge of his skin. She had topped it with translucent powder, then lipstick to his colourless lips. Droid, now resembling a painted doll, slept on. Susan, meanwhile, crept over to Commander Scrop's cabin to rock his cradle to sleep.
Morning dawned in the camp of Planet Scrop. The mission was due to return to the ship at 1200 hours. Most of the camp was already awake, and dismantling their tents.
Scrop strolled out of his cabin and yawned. He spotted Lucy over by her tent, andwent over to her. "Hello Lucy," he said. She didn't even look up. Andrews was undaunted. "Lucy." She turned around, wiped her chin, and proffered a pack of mints. Scrop remembered he hadn't brushed his teeth yet this morning, shamefully took a mint, and hurried away. Lucy grumbled to herself. They put one man on the moon,why couldn't they put them all there? Especially Scrop. She returned to her tent to put on her uniform. Whoever designed these uniforms were bloody perverts, she thought. Probably Scrop himself. Who else would make them so skin-tight all over?
Mars Bar walked over to the retreating Commander. "Take my advice," he said. "I don't use it anyway. If you want the last word with a woman, apologise."
Scrop turned on Mars Bar. "Didn't I tell you to shut up before? You may be an idiot, but try not to be stupid. So shut your trap before I give it my opinion!"
Mars Bar walked quickly away, leaving Scrop to deal with his love life (or lack of it) alone.
EU1 gathered at the flag at precisely 1200 hours. Once all were ready, in one swift movement they touched their gleaming badges with their hands, and vanished, reassembling back on the transport disc, Space Ship Enterprise.
As the Enterprise made it's way through the universe, boldly going where no-one else can be bothered, new worlds are discovered, cultures, people and plants found, and the Earthian Empire grows.
God help us all.