Top ten best ways to answer, "Isn't role-playing evil?" 10 Didn't Beelzebub enjoy our last game? 9 Chant "We drink your blood, we eat your flesh, and swallow your soul!" 8 Now are you talking chaotic evil, or neutral evil? 7 Well, I guess it all depends on how you define evil. 6 Hey, that never came to trial and my lawyer said never to talk about it, so just lay off. 5 Ever wonder what happened to Mrs. Yauger's cat? 4 Are you telling me you never played nurse patient with your girlfriend? 3 Recite act IV, scene I of Macbeth. 2 Hide under the table and laugh hysterically And the best way to answer is "Isn't role-playing evil?": Only if you do it right! Wisdom of Lo-Wang You never going to score. 26-31-43-82-16-29 Sorry, you no win this time, try again. You try harder to get along. Be a nice man. No man is island, except Lo Wang. There is much death in the future. You should kill all business associates. (c)1997, 3D Realms Fortune Cookie Company Your chi attracts many chicks. Don't you know you scum of society!? You should not scratch yourself there. Man who stand on toilet, high on pot. Man who fart in church, sit in own pew. Man trapped in pantry has ass in jam. Baseball all wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. Man who buy drowned cat pay for wet pussy. TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU ARE PULLED OVER 10. Back off, Barney. I've got a piece. 9. Wanna race to the station, Sparky? 8. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout! 7. On the way to the station, let's get a twelve pack. 6. You'll never get those cuffs on me...you pussy! 5. Come on, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! 4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen? 3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. 2. Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me? 1. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special! The TOP TEN reasons why Riker won't shave: -------------------------------------------- 10) Hopes his beard will draw attention away from his constant silly smile. 9) He and Worf are having a beard-growing contest. 8) It helps hide the faint, hereditary birthmark on his chin that proves he's a werewolf. 7) Hopes to look scarier to hostile aliens. 6) Starfleet has bridge personnel hair quotas and he's trying to make up for Picard. 5) He thinks Troi finds it sexy. 4) (Seasons 2 to mid-4 only) Didn't trust himself to pick up a can of shaving cream because the temptation to go and spray it at Wesley was too great. 3) Wants to look more like his hero, Ming the Merciless. 2) Every time he does, Q makes his beard grow back in five minutes as a gag. 1) Picard won't let him fire up his photon blade. A second list of Why Riker Won't Shave 10) Wanted to look more intimidating so Wesley would stay out of his way. 9) Lost his chin in a freak transporter accident. 8) Conservation of Command Hair: Captain and First Officer must cancel out. 7) He's really a TOS (The Old Series) Klingon. 6) Deanna's using one of those Ferengi mind-control globes on him. 5) "If your head comes away from your neck, it's over." (Oh, Sorry! Wrong newsgroup.) 4) The 3 giga-volt Plasma-Norelco is too much of a drain on ship's power. 3) Uses the beard to cushion his chin when he knocks down doors with that walk of his. 2) The beard shows he can surpass Data in at least one area. 1) Chicks dig it. Top 10 reasons computers are male =========================== 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobody's home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does matter Top 10 reasons compilers must be female: ======================================== 10. Picky, picky, picky. 9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean. 8. Beauty is only shell deep. 7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing". 6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed. 5. Always turning simple statements into big productions. 4. Smalltalk is important. 3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong. 2. They make you take the garbage out. 1. Miss a period and they go wild THE SECRET OF ANTIGRAVITY... If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground? Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them. And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device. One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis? I offer a modest proposal: We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use t-shirts, you won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.