This is a collection of rants and satires I have written about the current budget crisis in the state of Wisconsin
The Going Out of Business Sale
I would like to say one thing about the latest and greatest idea of Governor Jim Doyle. What state assets do we even have? I will tell you what sellable assets we have in my office here at the University. We have the vintage 1970s chair (broken back included for free), an outdated computer that may or may not work anymore, 20 feet of yellow rope, 2 string of pumpkin lights, a microphone stand older than me, paper clips, rubber bands, picture frames, and an inflatable pool. Where else do you find such an assortment of sellable assets? You can find this at two places: garage sales and liquidation sales. We (the state of Wisconsin) are going to hold a great big, statewide, "We're Going out of Business and Everything Must go Now" sale to help solve the $3.6-4 billion deficit. It might help...if we charge $100 per paper clip.
Here's an even better idea. Highways are state assets, so we should just sell them to interested parties (casinos are the logical choice, since they are the only ones benefiting from this budget) so they can carve up Wisconsin and turn it into one toll way after another. Then we can be like New Jersey! Better yet, let's just sell the highways to automobile manufacturers such as Ford and GM, then we can let them set whatever toll prices they want.
But why stop there? Outhouses are state assets too, so let us sell them. Better yet, put all of the state's buildings up on the auction block for corporate naming rights, just like pro sports. It generates a lot of revenue. Besides, who wouldn't like to attend a meeting of the state legislature at the 3-COM capitol building, in beautiful Heinz Park in downtown Madison? I know I wouldn't mind attending my psychology classes at the newly renovated Exxon building at any one of the 26 UW campuses. Let's not forget the Mille Lite Governor's Mansion, at least until Budweiser decides they want their share and reopens the bidding war.
The last great idea is for the state to follow the lead of the public schools (whose funding is even further cut now). That, of course, is to go door to door selling M&Ms, frozen pizzas, and baked goods. I don't know, it sounds good to me. Honestly, could you refuse buying a cookie from Jim Doyle, John Gard, Dave Hansen, or any other member of the state legislature? I know I couldn't. And on a positive note, it may even get Mr. Gard to spend time in his district for the more than the month of November. But that's the topic of a whole different rant.
Broken Promises and Politics as Usual
I'll start with the aforementioned Mr. Gard. This fabulous man charges the state $88 a day as his travel costs from Peshtigo, but he lives in Sun Prairie, a place from which the travel payment is only $44 a day. While he is busy doing this, he is also raising funds in a pseudo-illegal way. Because of the way the law is written, he is technically not breaking a law, but bending it to the extreme. Members of the legislature are not allowed to raise campaign funds in Dane county while the legislature is in session. His interpretation: Members cannot raise funds while there are meetings going on.
Basically, as long as the legislature in meetings at the time, they are not "in session" and therefore campaign fund raising is alright. This, from a man who said he wanted to see an end to the corruption and abuses of power in Madison. This is also the same man who called for an end to the partisan politics typical of Wisconsin, and has since gone on to take every shot at the Democrats possible. But he complains when they do the same. His committee stalled forever on signing the contracts for state workers (who have gone two years without one) because of the budget crisis, but gave the state legislature a 3% raise. He did return his raise, but he still continues to collect double the travel money than he should. Talk about hypocritical.
Next we have the governor. There's so much that could be said about him, but we won't go into all of it. Here's another man that pledged the end to partisan politics, but has been playing the game as usual. He's also a man that said he was pro-education and promised fair tuition and cuts. Bullshit. K-12 education saw an end to its 2/3 funding, UW-System got hit with a $250 million cut (largest of all cuts given), and we students will see tuition increase $250 every semester for two years. Oh, and forget financial paying for that increase...the link we fought for last year was eliminated for this budget cycle. While campaigning, Mr. Doyle said he would cap tuition increases at 10%. The $250 a semester comes out to around 18%. That's almost double the promised cap. As far as fair goes, does something that makes up 9% of the budget getting 38% of the cut sound fair? I sure as hell don't think it does. Areas that make up more of the budget than us are getting, get this, significantly SMALLER budget cuts than us! Where the <expletive deleted> is the fairness and truth in that?!
I forgot, this is Wisconsin politics. Truth is only as far as your caucus can reach.
Thank you sir, may I have another?
That phrase is the only way I can think of to explain UW-Systems lobbying strategy. Bend over, grab you ankles, take it, and ask for another. "A $250 million cut? Only? Thanks!" *slam* "650 job cuts? Thank you, and please do make it worse" *slam* "Increase tuition by $1000 in two years? That seems reasonable" *slam.* And then they wonder why the students got angry. Not to slight system in any way, but taking a hit and then saying please don't make it worse is not an effective lobbying strategy. What is effective for, is getting a bigger cut the next time the budget comes around. Why? Because now we have a history of rolling over and playing dead whenever there is a threat near us. We are the higher education in the state! To hell with being the possum of the state, we should be more like a freakin' cougar. Come near us with that budget erasing pen and we'll bite your political head off. That is an effective strategy, not "Thank you sir, may I have another."