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BASTARD USER FROM HELL
These are the chronicals of the Bastard User From Hell. These are the
nightmares for the common system user but the arch nemines of the
Bastard Operator From Hell.
BOFH = Bastard Operator From Hell
BUFH = Bastard User From Hell
BPFH = Bastard Professor From Hell.
It is recommended that the Bastard Operator From Hell series be read first.
This may be reproduced but I request that my name be kept with it.
Stanard disclamers apply.
John W. Fox
BASTARD USER FROM HELL #1
I was a good computer programmer and a new college student.
I was trying to find the BASIC compiler and could not. Sooo...
I call the operator ( I did not know it was the BOFH.)
Phone rings..."Hello" BOFH
"Who is this?" Me.
It's me I think" BOFH
No joke turkey breath. I think.
"Me Who?" Me.
"Is this like a knock knock joke?" BOFH.
I think "This guy is missing a few brain cells" [Bad assumption on my part].
"What can I do for you" BOFH.
Boy is he talking nice, must be ok after all. I think.
Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package....?" Me.
"Which package is that?" BOFH
"Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called." Me.
I hear >clickety, clickety< in the background
Good, the turkey is checking for it.
"Um no, we don't have that. We used to though." BOFH
That funny I say to myself, the instructor said it was on the system.
"Oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of
my account be copied to tape so I have a permanent copy of them to save at
home in case the worst happens.."
"The worst?" BOFH
"Well, like they get deleted or something..." Me.
"DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backup!"
"What was your username?"
I give him my username.
>clikety clickety click.<
"But you haven't got any files in your account!" BOFH
What no files! I had over 30, some big, this guy is wrong.
"Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!" Me.
"Oh no, I made a mistake" he say.
That right bozo breath I think.
I mutter "typical operator" to myself (unfortunetly to loud).
"I MEANT TO SAY: That username doesn't exist"
"Huh? >wimper< It must be, I was only using it this morning!"
"Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this
morning, the... uh... De Vinci Virus, wipes out users who are logged in
when it goes off." BOFH
"That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!"
"Which one was that?"
I give him my girlfriends userid.
Then my mind says bad move. The igno second factor.
"Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus."
>clickety clikc< "..she only lost all her files" BOFH.
"But..." Me.
"But don't worry, we've got them all on tape" BOFH
"Oh, thank goodness!!!" Me.
"Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil. SEE YOU IN THE
MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!"
He did what?
KILL and KILL AGAIN!
I had heard there was some one they called the BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL.
But never believed it. Now the line had been drawn.
I got mad and put a fake program on the computer from my roomies
account. You know the kind that acts like a normal screen for
the log in but after the user enters the userid and password it
ends and the normal login appears.
The teachers could not understand how I had such polished program
and only used 80 percent of my computer time. Oh course every
one else was running 150% of their allowed and hence got no
higher than a "C" in the class.
Hey survival of the fittest.
The BASTARD USER FROM HELL is born.
BASTARD USER FROM HELL #2
I come into the lab and signed in (using someone elses id) [funny, you
offer to help a girl do her program and you can copy her user id
and password from her typing, especially if they are slow.
"What the?????" I get all these messages on her e-mail from
alt.singles.with.severe.social.dysfuntions.
That can't be right. I have been in her account before.
She does not write or read this stuff.
"Oh no....its him again." The BOFH has mess things up AGAIN.
That means my e-mail is messed up too.
Well... we will just have to fix that.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means never being messed up for long.
I spend the next two hours writing a very good program to go in and take
all the print jobs from the faculty user ids and print them out in
english, greek, latin, german, and japanese (that one was hard on the
line printer).
I do not mean a page at a time I mean a letter at a time.
Then I assign the output to the computer operator printer.
He will catch it after a while, but hey, it is not my userid.
What do I care.
I also send a send a letter to the head of the computer
department saying how much of a jerk the operator is and
that he should be fired. Hey it ain't my userid.
Unfortunetly some of the professor want us to do stuff on the "SCHOOL"
computer. With that guy for an operator, Yeah, Right!
Then the computer goes down. RATS.
Then it comes back up.
I log in and I am missing some files. Sooo...
Ring..Ring..Ring
"Computer Room"
Oh no, not the BOFH. If I have to deal with this guy again
"I've lost my files" I whine.. make him think I am stupid.
"You bet you have" Is this guy picking a fight or what?
"What was your username?" he says.
I give it to him...what choice do I have.
All of a sudden my whole directory dissappears.
What in the name of hades.....OHHHH NNNOOOO
First rule is never give the BOFH your userid.
Well, time to study operating systems.
In the mean time I barricade the door to the computer room.
As I am moving the first bench over someone says
"What are you doing?"
"I am getting even with the stupid computer operator!!"
All of a sudden ten students are helping me.
I was much easier when everyone helps.
That evening I read about an epidemic of herpes and syphillis
in the town.
BASTARD USER FROM HELL #3
After reading up on operating systems I got in really guickly
and learned how to up the priority for my job on the queue.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means never having to
wait for another users program to run.
I did not try to get superuser privileges right away. That
BOFH might check and find it. He is probable watching TV.
Well, all my jobs are running just fine. Espically the
one through the annomynous userid that is using the
cypher cracking software on the academic records.
It is so nice to be able to give yourself an A. The problem
is the professors keep changing the password on me. Not for long.
Some guy next to me complains the system is slow (not my stuff)
and says he is going to call the sysop.
Am I going to tell him it is a bad idea. NOOOOOOOOOOO.
Let him catch hell not me.
I listen just for kicks and grins.
"Do you know why the system is slow?" he says
Pause...."Oh"
The BOFH must have come up with a good anser.
Either that or we have an idiot here.
"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is
one page of Laser Print." he says.
He hangs up and tries again.
Talk about stupid. If the stove is hot you do not put
you hand on again just to see if it really burns.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"
Pause...I hear screeaming from the phone...yeah this guy is stupid.
He drops the phone and sprints out the office.
Quickly I run over to his computer.
Got to get in fast before the account is canceled.
Go into that file where I keep the transfer stuff.
Enter the password.
Got to be quick now.
Yeah start program "retire".
I have to transfer some money to a Swiss bank account using
this guy userid.
I get one transfer done. It took a couple of seconds. I had the
file all ready to go. Now when the police wonder who has been
looting the money from that slush fund at the college
they will nail this guy. Then this guy account dissappears.
Perfect, no trace.
What, I am stealing from the college. Hey.. I pay my fees. I am
just getting some back. NOW! Besides most police department are just
now becoming computer literate. Besides I used my crappy poly sci
professers id. He is the one who spouts off about political correctness.
Lets see him do political correctness when his name is on as the creator
of the progam. I don't want to take the fall.
Hey, you can never start a retirement fund to soon you know.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means always having a retirement account.
Well back to the program that goes and monitors the sysops
commands. Got to see how they work before you can counter
man them.
Yeah......done.
Some guy next to me calls in to the BOFH.
"I need more space." he says
"No, on my account stupid!"
Uh-OH. Here come the fire works. Hey this will be a good time
to see if the new version of the command monitoring program works.
Boy is this guy back pedalling fast... but not fast enough.
"4Megs.....aaaaaaaaaagggghhhhHHHH"
Lets see, there is e-mail from some user.
Dumb cluck gave his personal id and password to his girl friend over e-mail.
Arn't monitoring programs fun.
Oh here is how he got rid of that guys memory. Lets see
I will have to change this and add that other user id and give
him say 0.5 MEG. What would happen if he is working on a
big project at the time this command takes affect.
El jerko in my English class is about to loose that essay
he keep bragging about.
OOOhhhhhhhhh CCCCRRRRAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!.
Alright....that command worked.
More memory for me to use.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means never running out of RAM.
BASTARD USER FROM HELL #4
It was thursday. I had to be in the lab. Not that I wanted to,
but some professors tell us (the students) we HAVE to use the
school computer. Something about funding, I guess.
Some one has been trying to call the operator for about two hours.
He has been swearing up a blue streak.
Me, I just finish the stuff the professor wants (yes on my
user id) the professor wants it that way.
Once I am done with that I get into another account (it pays to
read e-mail). Some people know nothing of comm security.
The program I am working on now does the following.
Goes and changes the users password. Then it greps
the passward file for similar encrypted words. Then dumps
the results to another file on a dummy account.
Dummy account, Yeah, I had a talk with the secratary of
one of the departments. She says that she would do
anything to get even with the BOFH.
So I got into her computer remotely and found the purity test
answers. Now she will and does do everything I need, qilling or not.
(Interesting answers, she is so conservative, who would have guessed
that she preferred.......)
When you are the Bastard User From Hell you don't do thing.
You get others to do it for you.
Back to the program I am running.
See what you get for reading magazines. I got a list of the
100 most popular passwords. Well, I just had to try it out.
The guy how has been trying for two hours finally gets in.
Then he goes over and does something on the terminal.
AAAUUUUURRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!.
The BOFH must have told him to do use rm for something else.
More disk space for me.
Some guy wants a printout. The BOFH comes back with one of
the crappiest printouts I have seen. Man, what did he do to
that one?
Alright, the program I put in has got me at least 32 more accounts.
There is going to be no problem of computer time now. And the
program is only half through.
That guy is still talking to the BOFH.
He gives him his disketts...SUCKER are you done for now.
Later I see him walking out with the disketts over his head.
I do not even want to know.
The program ends. I have 53 new user id and password I can use.
Great.. that consulting work I am doing on the side will get
done and I won't have to buy a new computer.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means never running out of accessible userids.
BASTARD USER FROM HELL #5
Its friday. The BOFH has not been in all morning.
How do I know...well the computer is running fine for one thing.
The other is that I paid a freshmen to watch the door while he
does his homework. When the BOFH comes in he will let me know.
There is someone here who has been trying to get ahold of him
all morning.
Me....I am getting into the accademic records and updating
my GPA to a 4.0. Than cyrpto program I was running worked
just fine. And I did not even have to goto class (except the first
day) Dam, am I good or am I good.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means always getting good grades.
The freahmen come in. The BOFH is in to create havoac.
What? Another guy is on the phone and he is yelling at the BOFH.
This should be fun.
Me..I am finishing up that program for the consulting job I have.
One has to make a living. The job allows me access to the companies
computer remotely. But if I do it part time on the school computer
I do not have to pay the modem bill.
Let me tell you about purchase requests and userid. You can buy all
sorts of stuff when your company NEEDS it. Why just the other day
they needed a new 2GB hard drive. Lifes rough. See it like if
you are good you use someone's userid on the computer to do all you
nasty work. Then when the brown stuff hit the horizontal wind pusher
you look really good because your userid just shows pure work like
a good little corporate slave.
Oh... the guy tell the BOFH his user id. This should be good.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhh.
Guess he lost his files.
It was not even me. Gee I feel cheated.
Tin fool, magnets, pillow cases.
I don't even want to guess.
Hey.. I found that guys account. Two files. Well, lets just
run that tracking program for the password file.
Yeah there it is. Now just run that puppy through the
unencryption program....... presto a password.
When your hot, your hot.
Being the BASTARD USER FROM HELL means always get more computer time, free.
See what happens when you work for a firm that does encryption
stuff. You find out how they do that kind of thing. Then you
come back to the computer and figure out what the algorithm is
that the school computer uses and you are in like flint.
It is nice to have power at your fingertips.
BASTARD USER FROM HELL #6
It lunch hour and the BOFH is not in. I saw him leave just after
the janitor went in to the sysop room. The must confer. That
janitor likes to bust in on people in the restrooms.
So.. what do I do. I grep all the e-mail readers for erotic
word.
What? Has the Bastard User From Hell gone in for porn. NNNOOO.
After a quick scan, I see who is writing to who. There are
userids I recognize. The others I run through the userid
cross check file for names.
This will make good blackmail material for a few favors when
it comes time to get things done.
Oh..... there is one from a junior who stood me up on a date.
Well.....she is doing what with who. Make a copy and send to
Western Union for a express delivery to her parents.
Being the BASTARD USER FROM HELL means getting back for the date
who stood you up.
I go in and reset everyone elses priority to super slow.
The BOFH had it set to slow already. He should not
notice the difference. Mine is set to fast.
I am having problem saving that 47MEG graphics program
with animation.
Lets see, who is not here.
Oh... here is that TA's file from the Econ class. Econ is a mandatory
taker. The TA is a jerk and does not let up.
Well, lets just get into his account. My! Is this his thesis for the
bachaloer committe? Well we will just do a "mv *.* /bin/bitbucket"
Good, that frees up 7MEG of space. No problem
Being the BASTARD USER FROM HELL means never wanting for disk space.
Oh No, the BOFH is back.
Someone phones in..lets see what he does.
Something about saving documents. Jeeze she is not crying the BOFH
must be having a mental lapse.
WHAT????!!!!!. All the files on this disk dissappeared.
Why that little no good for nothing BOFH.
I had two important files (crypto craker and list of userid w/passwords)
on that disk.
Well, tranfer to another userid (you can never have enough) and
run that undelete program. Lets hope he isn't watching the
screen.
Bingo. Now if I can just reserve the rest of this disk.
Rats, only 478 MEG avalible. Darn, I wanted 500.
Oh well can't be to greedy now.
Some guy calls in and ends up walking away sobbing.
After a productive day I leave.
On the way home (to my home, mortgage all paid, gee isn't being a
BUFH so much fun) I see an ambulance and and a bunch of guys in
white coats.
Someone says something about some lady screaming she will get the BOFH for
what he did to her computer and files.
Gald to see I am not the only one working on that.
I get in and login on the computer at home using my rentee password
and his CompuServe id. Route it through a jerks userid at school.
Going to be a long weekend with him away. Best part is someone else
will get the blame.
Being the BASTARD USER FROM HELL means never paying for access time.
BASTARD USER FROM HELL #7
I end up in one of the required class. Psych. Yeah, let me near a computer
and I'll psych you out all right. And the teacher.
She is one of those b***** (excuse me, female dog) who blames all of the
world's ill on the male gender. Jesss give me a break. If it was not for
some male she would not even be here. Ever take a Bio class lady!
The female has been going on and on about how things are screwed up.
Yeah, I know I am sitting in this class just thinking of how to really
screw things up... FOR HER.
Then she mentions computers always fail...Bingo, here is my chance.
"Well, you know that the communication lines that are bounced of the
stratosphere are being interupted by falling satellite parts and this
causes comupter to miss the synching cycle." I say.
When you walk the walk and talk the talk.....
"Huh" she says.
"Well, yeah, with the synch cycle out the computer does not know what you
are trying to tell it so it makes something up and that is why the
satellites are falling."
If you can not blind um with your brilliance, baffel um with the bullcrap.
Her... BB in a Boxcar when it comes to technical stuff.
Got her going for five minutes before she got back on men designed satellites
and that is why they fall out of the sky etc.etc.etc.
Ppplleeaassseeee!!!!!.
After class I go over to the computer center and tap into the reserve
userid file. Guess whos id is on the system.
Yeah..It PAY BACK TIME.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means always out psyching the your psych
instructor.
I'll just make up some stuff and report it.
Whats this. Alt.sex.beastality...alt.sex.pedephilla
EUREKA.....PAYDIRT. And I did not have to make it up.
I call my friend at the newspaper (help him in a class once). Got to
know the computer system at the newspaper. Comes in handy when you
want to spread some dirt around.
LIKE NOW.
"Hey Tom...John"
"Oh hi.. thanks for the help on the last exam."
"No problem...hey you want a story about a teacher that the state is
paying good money to run a sex bulliten board?" I say.
"Is it a big one?" he asks
"You would not believe how big!" I say.
I send him a file with a bunch of stuff (userid, password, other crap).
I also get in and download the user names from four other bulletin
boards about the same stuff I ran across. Never know when info comes
in handy.
He thanks me and says
"Do not eat at the cafeteria at school. Some one keeps sending organ
transplate stuff there."
I hand up and say darn that was a good one. I should have thought
of that. I wonder who... no I don't.
I go back home and get ready for a job interview.
What you say! The Bastard User From Hell is giving in to the
corporate world. Guess again. It is at a bank that has a large
network of ATM machines. Only as long as it takes to figure out how
to crack the system and set my self up with several million and
computer access for the rest of my life.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means never running out of cash.
On the way out I hear a couple people saying how this nice man
taught them how the "rm" command is the remark command.
I wonder who that could be.
BASTARD USER FROM HELL #8
I had just got done withdrawing some cash from an ATM and was taking
off the the picture mask(for the video cams) of my French teacher
when I notice the police ticketing my Vette
RATS!
I go over and talk really polite to the officer (He has a gun! OK)
Of course I get his name and badge number and say I am really sorry
and I won't do it again. Thank you for only a small fine officer.
I will deal with the parking ticket later. I have to go to French
class.. It's my mandatory foreign language class.
On the way over I notice the BOFH getting out of his car and write
down the licence plate number. Might as well kill two birds with
one stone later.
In French class the instructor is his normal stuck up self.
The French they iz the prezisaomo when it comes to zi women.
Like with your ugly mug you probably had to pay money guy.
The deep nasal sound we had to practice. If I had a baseball bat
I would make he do nasal sounds. Maybe later.
After class I am back in the lab and tap into the police data base.
Now for that ticket. What ticket..HAHAHAHAHA
And the officer...Oh he just lost the registration for his car.
Let him explain that one.
Now for the BOFH. Lets just report that one stolen.
He will get out of it but it is fun to harass.
I am just about done when my cellular phone rings.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means never being out of touch.
It Tom..you know from the newspaper.
"John...Tom..what can you tell me about Mr. Renee? I understand he
is your French techer."
"Besides being a lousy French teacher and a stuck up jack ass and
living beyond his means not much. Why?"
"He just got arrested for taking money from the banks ATM using
false ATM cards."
DAMMM those bank guys are getting close. I am going to have to redo the
banks accounts and give me some more breathing room. They must have a
couple a sharp cookies working for them.
"Can you hang on for five minutes and I will call you right back?"
"OK" Tom says.
Quick..got to get into the system. (Using a fake id of course)
Where is his account. There we go. Got to make a few (couple dozen
extra transactions). Back date them of course.
Quickly set up a dummy account for savings. Say put in $20K. Then
I will have to
***WATCHER ALERT****
Damm those bank guys are getting better.
I got 30 seconds.
Get into the other account. 20 sec.
Put in two numbers from the drug dealers Swiss bank account
10 sec.
Run the back date software
5 sec
sign off.
Made it by 2 sec.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means never getting caught.
"Tom...John"
"Yeah...what do you have"
"Tom..sit down and write this down and then take it to the police and
you never talked to me understand"
"Yeah...OK...why"
"He has $20K in a saving account, number ############# at BofA.
He has made dozens of withdrawal in the last month.
He also has the number to some Swiss bank account in his
account ########## at the bank. I think there may be some drug
running in this one."
"DAAMMMM. How did you find out all that so quick?"
"Do you want me to help you with the homework or not?" I say.
"Never mind.. I get this to the police"
"Thanks for the story?" Tom says.
"No problem man"
Being the Bastard User From Hell means always out nasaling your Frecnh
instructor.
BASTARD USER FROM HELL #9
It had been one of those semesters. The BUFH ran into the BPFH
(Bastard Professor From Hell). And he was in the computer science
department at that. This guy was every student's WORST nightmare.
He was so good he even has a quadruple encypher on his acadenmic
records that changed everytime he used it. This is besides the
password from the lower neither regions of the world.
He also had to tracking software to record who did what to his
account. Funny, students in his class dropped like flies.
Not me! I wonder why?
Every now and then you have to admit that someone is better than
you are......BUT NOT FOR LONG BPFH.
I came home (freshly furished with VISA cards that always showed
a zero ballance and six digit line of credit).
Being the Bastard User From Hell means always having a zero balance on
your credit cards.
The tax forms for the year showed up. Oh joy.
Well something more to work on. Hey, didn't they just use computers to
automate the tax system...hhhmmm.
A couple of quick trips to the lab and some good savings may result.
It took me three days to get in and reprogram the computer at the IRS
facility. They had a few people watching but the IRS guys were not that
bright. It was the spooks that one has to worry about.
One thing about big brother... he will spend $10,000 to get his 50 cents
back. I had to be careful.
Evidently they called in the spooks. People started showing up on campus
asking all sorts of questions. Had to get things done quick.
Damm, must be loosing my touch. Nay, I was to tired trying to survive
the BPFH class that I start to get worn down.
I go into the lab when I find out my C.V. file is gone. I look and it
is no where. Huh. I could have sworn I had it. Maybe I deleted it
by accident.
I have to call the sysop. Please not the BOFH, not today.
"Yes" the sysop says.
"I've accidently delted my C.V."
"You have? What was your username?" he says
Do I have to give it to this guy.. well OK
"Ah no, you didn't delete it - I did."
"WHAT!"
"I deleted it. It was full of shit! You didn't ever get more than a B- in
any of your subjects!" he says.
"Huh?"
"And that crap about being a foreign exchange student, that was your girlfriend
and we both know it."
"Huh?!!" How did he find out?
"Your academic records. I checked them, you were lying..".
WHAT THE......."How did y.."
"It's you isn't it? THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL!" I say.
"In the flesh, on the phone and in your account.... You shouldn't have called
you know. You especially shouldn't have given me your username.." >clickety<
>click< "Neither should you have sent that mail to the System Manager telling
him what you think of him in graphic terms..."
"I didn't send any.."
>clickety< >click<......
"No, you didn't did you? But who can tell these days. Not to worry though,
It'll all be over VERY soon.." >clickety click< "
"b-b-b.." I blurt, this guy has got me good.
"Goodbye now" he say pleasantly, "you've got bags to pack and a life to start
over..."
SON OF A F****** B****. (Falling Brick)
This is war, but he don't know it yet.
Of all the people to run into now. I do not need this.
Man, I am going to get that new computer and do the stuff at home.
Lucky for me I used my rentee userid. At least I have a couple dozen more
left. Why do you think I bought a big house and alot of the computer
sci user stay there.
Hey what are roomie for anyway.
I leave. You know who is watching.
I get home, have a beer, finsih the project and send it on its way.
At least I got the class done.
My roomie comes in and turns on the T.V.
There is a knock on the door followed by
POLICE! BAMMMM!!the front door is reduced to splinters.
I am diving for cover. My roomie is frozen in terror.
In come the FBI, DEA, Secret Service, Police and Lord knows what else.
Lets just say looking down the barrel of lots of M-16 is not fun.
Well they tear up the place and handcuff us. One geek with glasses kept
saying "Make my day!" Yes, he had a BIG gun. I did not make his day.
They found all the stuff about taxes in the computer. Under another roomie
id of course and a few other computer users id with other stuff.
DAMM going to have to redo that stuff when I get out..
Thank goodnes I learned early on to never, never use you own id.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means letting other people take the
blame for the crap that you pull.
BASTARD USER FROM HELL #10
I had just finished redoing the furiture in the house (I wonder why)
(Thank You Uncle Sam). When a rentee comes in and turn on the TV.
I am not paying much attention except when they mention the Japanese
Super Model Alica Naksone would be in town.
What.....It spring....Has the Bastard User From Hell let his hormones
rule his life. Has he been bitten by spring fever. Is he interested
in more than just bits and bytes. Say it ain't so!!!!
It Ain't So! OK!
Her Grand father and dad both hold high position in NTT. That means
lots of BUFH opportunities. Besides some day I might get married and
it would be nice if she was good looking elbow ornament.
Then they mention that her escort for the weekend would be picked by
computer selection for the best representation of out fine city.
Did he say selected by computer....welll, welll, well.
It seems that for some reason most of the "likely" canidates did not
get selected.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means always winning at comupter
selection games.
Alica turned out to be a very nice lady. She even knew alot about
computers (her minor in school). I managed to have her give me her
phone number and address to keep in touch. (As if I had not already
located the non-listed number, address, income statements, measurements,
etc., etc.)
After that week several local companies had new subscribers to their
phone systems. Each had a couple (not to many) calls to Japan a month
after that. You get several so you can rotate the calling so no one
get interested too much and in case one goes down.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means never having to pay a phone bill.
The next day I was in the lab making the buzzer go off at random
intervals in the sysop terminal when the lead cheerleader ( can you
say one fine looking lady with absolutely no computer sense) walks
up and says "I heard you can help me with computers."
"Yes, I would be glad to help...what is your userid please?" Me
She gives it to me.....Yes.
Then she puts in her password (slowly). Double Yes.
That another account to mess with.
I am having a good time helping her (yes I am being nice...FOR NOW)
When in walks Bob.
Bob is her boyfriend..front nose guard...6ft 5" 248 lb of meat
and very little brains....Can you say ox.
He also is a very jellous type. How do I know...I have read his e-mail.
"What are you doing next to Debbie you pip squeek?" he says.
Pip Squeek....did he say Pip Squeek?
"I don't let anyone get close to her." he says.
Debbie says "He was just help me with my computer homework, Bob."
"Yeah right.. probably trying to take you away." Bob says.
I say "Ohhh...your Bob....Bob Caldolewisky....SSAN 546-87-0958
Lives at 123-54 Medford Lane....telephone number 256-8756.
He blinks..."Yeah"
Hey .... Information is power.
I say "I have just a couple things to say....."
"18 Feb 1993..."(no response)
"userid clsmith"
Was that a little fear I say in his eye....
"What does that have to do with anything?" Bob says.
Debbie is looking back and forth at both of us trying to figure out
what is going on.
I say "Tango"
BINGO...I see fear...FEAR in his eyes. Imtimidation is so easy when you
read others e-mail.
He open his mouth to say something.....nothing comes out.....YES
The Bastard User From Hell strikes again.
I say "I must be mistaken..I confused you with some one else..
I apalogize...please forgive me."
WHAT ....Has the Bastard User From Hell turned chicken and given up..
Is he letting this big ox get away with insulting him?
NOT ON YOUR LIFE!
One rule is never back a guy in a corner with his girlfriend watching,
especially if he is much bigger than you.
"Yeah ok...Debbie lets go." They leave.
Now its PAYBACK TIME!!!!!!!!
I get on the computer and change all his grades to "Fs". Then I scramble his
files...Then I get into the municiple utilities and shut off the water,
electricity and gas to his place. Then I get on the NAACP bulleting
board and overlay a picture of the KKK areamashal with his photo.
Arn't computer fun.
Then I send him a message that reads....
Dear Bob:
After our conversation this afternoon, there are a few things I wish to
remind you of in case you decide to mess with me. One..Steve..Math test
Two..Dr Philips..Medical treatments..three, 18 Feb 1993..Cindy Smith
Tange for Two and last
Championship celebration...club house.. Laura..videotape..one copy made.
Lay off.
BUFH.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means getting the last laugh...ALWAYS.
After that the football team never bothered me.. I wonder why?
On the way out I go to a lecture hall where my arch neminis the BOFH
giving a lecture...This should be fun.
Some guy askes about computer privacy...
BOFH says coming out of the closet
AAAAAAAGGGGGHHH
Then someone about CMS1136 userid (yes I am recording these userid)
Something about alt.sex.bu....
NNGggggAAAAAAAAAGHGHGH.
After that the hall empties fast.
I do not stick around... It seems to me that I need to read some more e-mail.
BASATARD USER FROM HELL #11
I am at home after reading a bunch a people e-mail...nothing interesting,
when Hank comes in.
"What do you know about the spell checker program on the school's computer?"
"Its flawed, why?" I say.
"Well Pete called in for instructions and is calling him back for some
reason." Hanks says.
"I better go straighten him out....later" I smile...so does Hank.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means showing up after the damage is done
so you can be the hero....always.
>Crash<....What the
>Crash< Huh...
"What is going on"
"Its coming from Pete's room." Hank says.
>CRASH..CRASH..CRASH...CRASH...CRASH<
AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.
"I am going to kill that !@#$%^&*()(*&^&^%$##@@#$#$%%^^&*( BOFH"
As we look, out runs Pete with his 9mm. Pete is on the pistol team.
Pete is mad...Pete has a gun...Run pete run..Run far from us Pete.
Hank and I look at each other then say
"Ain't my problem man!"
Being the Bastard User From Hell means being other people's problem not them
being your problem.
Later that evening word comes that the BOFH is in the hospital.
WHAT......NOT DEAD.... DAMM.
But this means the computer will be working fine for a couple of weeks.
So......I get into the medical data base and remove the BOFH's medical
insurance. Then I take and put in a message about infected with AIDS
in both the BOFH and Bob's medical records.
Then I grep on all the medical record with "AIDS" and send the
results to the local sleaze tabloid. Then I go in and update Dr Philips
account to show an entry from sleaze tabloids for $1000. The I take and
issue an arrest warrent for the BUFH for transportation of Biohazards.
ETC.
ETC.
ETC.
ETC.
Oh, it was grand.
In the mean time I figured out how to do land regristration via the
computer.
Funny...I didn't know I owned a 800 acres of land near Lake Tahoe
with a 8000 square foot custome built house.
Then I learned how to do this in Sinapore, England, Japan...
need I say more.
Alica got a new penthouse in downtown Tokyo.....free.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means never paying full price for property.
I heard that Bob and Debbie broke up....life is full of broken romances.
Oh yeah, I went to work part time at a new computer company.
What has the Bastard User From Hell gone coporate?
Only until I get the information I need.
The company builds the new optical processors.
CAN YOU SAY FFFFAAAASSSSSSTTTT Computing.
The controller there was such a geek. I ended up setting up the
inventory tracking and security systems.
YES...They never showed the lattest greatest model that dissappeared.
Neither did they show the massive amount of telecomputing
that went on with other companies.
In the mean time I went and broke into some companies database that
had tons of stuff on stock transfer via computer trading.
Jess... one has to own a few stocks and bonds.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means always making a profit in the
stock market.
I also found some little company that had lots of stuff on encryption.
Things were going fine until I say a signiture from the head of the
NSA on a company memo.
Oh..No..the spooks.
Exit stage left.
The BOFH returned and everything slowed to a crawl... I had to be a little
more careful. I am a patient man, BOFH.
Later that evening I read about some lady who commited suicide by
taking the leads from her computer power supply and licking them.
The police say the last number called was the school computer room.
She must have talked to the BOFH.
I just smilled as my computer reported that the IRS did not know I
existed...my stock portfolio hit $100 mill.. and I owned 16,000 acres
of land.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means being filthy stinking rich.
BASTARD USER FROM HELL #12
Graduation had come. It was my turn to get even with the school
for putting through four years of the BOFH and the BPFH.
SSSSSOOOOOOO........
The schools play got a roaring round of laughter when the CO2 canisters
were also filled with NO2 (laughing gas).
The Dean's graduation speech got really messed up as he was reading it
off the special computer screen installed on stage.
The BOFH probably wonder why he did not do it.
The Class Idiot (GPA = 1.1) was elected Validictorian.
The dorms were turned into orgy centers and classes cancelled when someone
accidently ordered an aphrodeziac instead of the correct water purification
chemicals for the schools water supply. (Order by computer of course).
(I live off campus with a water filter on my house).
All finals had to be redone as the answers were all posted on the students
e-mail. The teachers went crazy over the security breach.
The BPFH got his e-mail flooded because someone posted an add in the
Gay Times, The Necrophila Times and the S&M nets saying send in msgs
for possible pairing.
A list of all the gay professors and students(who had not come out of the
closet) some how appeared on the right side of the newspaper front page.
In addition a list of professors who were sleeping with students appeared
on the left side of the front page. (The 700 Club got a copy of the paper.)
Tom called and asked me about that one. I gave him the account on
the medical doctor (Dr Philips) who was supplying steriods to students.
He thanked me and ask politly that I not mess things up too badly.
Tom grovelled very well. His salary went up $10K this year.
Lastly I redirected the ATT/Bell Telephone/Sprint complain number
to the BOFH home phone. It took ATT/Bell/Sprint two days to undo that one.
You know, .... have the work order say hard wire. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
Being the Bastard User From Hell means always getting more than even.
Two days after graduation... ( everyone was recovering from the party
because of the free beer)
Seems Budwiser did not realize they had a delivery until it showed
up on the warehouse computer.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means getting beer cheep (free).
......there was a knock on the door. Hank went (stumbled) to get
it.
"Hi were from the government we would like to speak to Mr. John
William Fox!"
Oh..No.
Hank."Let me see if he is in." Good going Hank as I run to the
back door and look out.
Six guys in suits in the back yard and two roofers on each roof
of every house around. There are four people not working on the
electrical lines and six people from the water company who
are not working either. Things look bleak for our hero.
Hank comes in and says "John there.."
"Yeah, Yeah, I know. I'll talk to them."
Being the Bastard User From Hell means knowing when to talk and
knowing when to run.
I go in and say "Hi, I am John Fox, can I help you?"
Mr three piece suit with shades says "Funny you should ask."
"You broke into a company database a couple weeks ago and got some
information on say....... protecting data."
Boy these guys don't even know how to make small talk.
I say."I was attempting to download product information concerning
possible interfacing of equipment with the company I was at for
future co-development project and to get a feel for the job
openings at the company."
Please take the bait, Bismuth Breath.
Mr three piece suit "Yeah right!, You broke in and we have been watching
you for the past week. You made 42 money transfers, 17 land title
switches, traded $30 million in stocks and bonds and ordered a truck
load of beer and snack from US companies."
DAMM, these spooks are good.
"So here is the deal, you give all the stuff from the US companies
back. The foreign stuff we do not care about but you..WILL.. tell us
how you did it. And besides you talked about job opportunities you
start in one week for a year with us!"
Damm, he didn't even ask me what salary I wanted.
I looked over at the guy on the right who was balancing a tooth pick on
his left finger while standing on one leg (for the whole conversation)
and over at the guy on the left who was craking brazil nuts with his
thumb and pointer finger and make a quality decision.
"Where is the job at?"
Mr three piece suit..."You don't need to know that!"
"What is the salary?"
Mr three piece suit..."Enough!"
The guy on the right was balancing two tooth picks on two fingers (1/ea)
and guy on left was up to two brazil nuts at a time.
"Sounds good to me...glad to be on board"
Being the Bastard User From Hell means knowing when to say yes and
knowing when to say no.
Mr three piece suit said "Good..we will send the movers over to start
packing tommorrw. Mr Toothpick will pick you up in three days to get
you to work and Mr Brazil Nut will stay with you to ensure your
safety."
"Say What!?"
Mr three piece suit. "Oh, don't even think of running....you can't"
"Have a nice day."
Being the Bastard User From Hell means knowing when to give up a
round in a fight (but not the match).
Well one year later..(I can`t talk about it but lets just say I got
one HELL of a computer education)...
The BASTARD USER FROM HELL is back.
Oh Mr Toothpick got a semitracker trailer full of toothpicks delivered
to his house the next week.
Mr Brazil Nut got a railrod car full at his apartment.
Mr three peice suit got charged for 100 three peice suits on his VISA.
Mr BPFH (Bastard Professor From Hell) suddenly found that his protection
software failed ( every day and printed the test out on his students
e-mail accounts). He also lost his retirement accounts and got on the
IRS audit every year from here to eternity list.
Being the Bastard User From Hell means getting the last screw for the
professors who screwed you.
During my year of working for Uncle Sam...
MR BOFH (Bastard Operator From Hell)...YYYEEEEESSSSSS.
It seemed that for one whole year there was a message that appeared
every morning on his counsole saying
"This is from the BUFH.
BOFH I am comming to get you HAHA!"
He was never able to find out where it came from. (You don't need to know
remember).
Then I heard the BOFH got promoted to a manager.
Tom got an article about how managers at the school were wasting
taxpayer dollars for bull crap. There was one manager with the first
name of Simon who was singled out.
The next day every one at the newspaper was fired (BOFH)
The day later every manager at the school was fired (BUFH)
Two months later my VISA suddenly had a $1,000,000 bill. (BOFH)
The next day the national debt got credited to the BOFH's card (BUFH)
One month later the police showed up at my front door with an arrest
warrent. (BOFH)
The next day a demolition crew showed up at the BOFH house (BUFH)
The warrent dissappeared about two days later. So did someone house.
Another time my car was impounded for non paying of fines (BOFH)
The next day the BOFH's car was towed to a wrecking comany and
crushed for scrap. (BUFH)
Finally I was free from the government and could turn my whole energies
on one person.....Yes Mr. BOFH, you.
The Nazi bulletin board got a death threat from Simon saying they
were going to loose because he was Jewish and knew who they were.
The JDL got a message that Simon was trying to become the
new NAZI extermination chair person.
The KKK got a message that a man named Simon was selling information
concerning their bulletin boards.
The NAACP and Black Solider of Fortune and all law enforcment
agencies got a message saying Simon was the leader of the ultra-radical
KKK underground lynching unit.
All of his finances dissappeared.
His new car was trashed by some bikers because somehow Simon
said Harleys were for sissies on the Rec.HellAngles net.
The Gay community named him public enemy number one after a newspaper
article quoted him as say a few things (not repeatable here).
There were three ambulances from Shady Acres that showed up at his
door.
They arrived just before the SWAT team showed up to serve a warrent
for illegal transportation of plutonium.
Finally.
I went and messed with the spooks one more time. (VERY CAREFULLY)
The directors of the NSA / CIA / FBI got messages from a Russian
computer (at least that is where it was tracked to) saying that
Simon had infiltrated agencies with time
bomb computer codes and that he appeared to be insane. He was a
deep mole that they feared would start another war if he was
not stopped and put into complete isolation with absolutely
NO computer acceess (or phone, or electronic).
Since this appeared on the internal NSA / CIA / FBI secure network.
Do I have to say more.
Being the BASTARD USER FROM HELL mens always getting the best and
last when it comes to REVENGE.
I am driving off into the sunset (doing 145 in the Lamboghini)
with Alica by my side from our new Southern style mansion
on 6000 acres of land (cost = $0.00), when some cop pulls me over.
I pay the ticket and smile as I get his name and badge number and remember I
have a personal data assistance in the glove compartment.
The BASTARD USER FROM HELL IS ALIVE AND WELL.
The end.
John W. Fox