The old pool shooter had many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

If you're at Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say. "Boy, these are good cigars!"

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was that ?!"

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was", "said Nick. "Lets climb higher." "No," I said "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tried to kill you.

Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.

Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men," If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky". Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people that do what I say.

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

One things kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no", I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I thought that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

f you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would be real quiet and ashamed, because they mad fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.

I hope in the future Americans are thought of a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much".

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa! " and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because then you'd really be surprised.

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahua's with some good ideas.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going..!?!

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.