(written during train trip home, July 92)

(actually sent 9 weeks later, October 92)

Mordechai,

While you sleep (in your quaint rigor-mortis-like way) I have had nothing but ideas racing through my mind. I am certain that the smile that crept across your face while you slumbered was due in no small part to dreams of your dear lovely Lenore, and I hope that you find happiness with her.

Your dilligence in keeping your guard up is admirable and yet to me at the same time quite distressing. Are we not friends, still? Can you not lower that shotgun just once in deference to that fact? You know that I mean you no harm, that we both have come to worse effect by our mutual companion Less, and how he gets away with this random shooting I shall not guess! This was not to be the context or content of this short letter, however.

Going back to the reservation and seeing Still Water the Shaman brought back memories of our hasty activities during our first visit. While we were looking for the meteorite, you had discovered the cavern behind us, and were busily guarding the rest of us. I will admit that I still wonder at the ability you have with the dead, but that is the whole of the matter at hand.

I know that your distress at my shapeshifting has prodded you to carry your weapon, to make you distrust me. You must know that I feel terrible about causing the violent ends of those people -- I know that I may seem cold hearted and scientific when I am taking apart any of our random attackers, or when I take out any aggression on my students (poor souls, I`ll have to apologize to them soon!) but I do not mean to kill people at random! I fear that I had lost control over my very own body, that my actions were not my own, but those of the beast which I have now endeavored to control.

You should be well assured that when I feel a loss of control coming on, particularly during the nights (and perhaps days?) of the full moon, you and the others may feel it necessary to restrain me, and I am giving you my full permission and actually request that you do so. Be aware that I must be quite well secured, I have never felt the need to be permanently shackled -- so I may escape much more easily with the strength that I find during those days. I know that you are not entirely afraid of my changes, for you did not actually shoot me while you had the chance, any of them.

My point behind all of this, is that I wish to ask a favor of you, which might finally assuage your own disgust and anger at me, and which would give me the absolution I crave. I wish that you might help me with your ability to speak with the dead. Perhaps if we visited the edges of town, where the transient persons I killed died, you might summon them up and allow some kind of discourse between myself and them?

I wish to tell them what happened, that I am sorry and guilty, that I do not know if any of them can forgive me, but I must get this pain off of me if I am to go on. If it would make any difference to you, that I even want to attempt this, I can only hope. This need not be done soon, but... Some time before the desire wears from me and it becomes nothing more than my deep hidden history?

You may feel free to decline me this offer, but please consider it. I would be -- I already am -- quite grateful for your actions saving me in several instances, I wish nothing more than to continue being your close friend, if there is anything I can do which does not further deplete my already strained finances, please ask it of me. You know that I do attempt to take on all challenges, it is in my nature to at least try.

Without further pleading, I must sign Very Thankfully Yours,

Istvan

Mordechai-- Since I had forgotten to send this when it was fresh -- you know, all the things we have had pop up over the weeks -- I send it now and still hold the sentiment dear.

During the time between our trip (writing this letter) and our recent encounters in Arkham with Mr Blade et al, I must assure you that I have been dilligent in my research and practice, that I am considerably more in control than I had been when we discovered these new abilities. But I am still wrought with grief at having done those deeds prior to my knowledge. Now that I know you actually can speak to the dead, should we just let this rest or do it while we know they are yet fresh?

An aside and a somewhat morbid one, Mordechai, if I do not manage to remain intact -- mind, body and soul -- during this upcoming encounter in Boston, I beg you speak with these souls on my behalf. I fear now and deeply that I am going to lose something in the next few days, be it Cynthia, my health, sanity or my soul. I hope that I may give those spirits my explanation in person.

--Istvan (again)