Famous Last Words
by Roger E. Moore
Many, many issues ago, a number of letters and articles appeared in Dragon Magazine listing some "famous last words" that characters might utter just before their characters get killed by the Dungeon Master (e.g., "Well, forget you, I'm attacking. What's Odin's armor class?"). Creating a new list of these tidbits for this issue sounded like lots of fun. After mulling the topic over, though, a nasty possibility occurred to me: What famous last words might a character utter just before he gets killed by everyone else in his party?
"So, when I pushed the red button on the artifact, it drained six points from everyone's highest ability score but mine? What happens if I push it now?
"But there's no way you guys could know that my ninj- um, my SAMURAI poisoned your other characters' drinks!"
"This is pretty funny, but I just figured out that the way the experience-point system in the DMG works, my wizard is worth enough to bring everyone in the party up at least one level. I'm glad we're all friends here."
"Look, I didn't ask for a reincarnation spell, and I don't want to be a bugbear! I want a second chance RIGHT NOW!!!"
"Here's my barbarian. He's seven feet tall, had smoldering blue eyes and jet-black hair, his muscles are like steel cables, and his name is... Buttons.
"About time you all showed up. What did Strahd want to see you all about that took so long?"
"Guys, look! I found Stormbringer in the chest! I've got the Stormbringer! Elric's sword! And here's the Wand of Orcus! I've got them both, and they're all mine!"
"I'm not sure I should be traveling with you people. My holy sword says that everyone in this group is an assassin except me."
"Oh, I killed the barmaid because I need just one more experience point to make sixth level. Was she your fiancée or something? What?"
"I'm the only one here who saved against the mind flayer's mass domination? Everyone else is its slave? COOL!"
"I'll go ahead and put the ring on. Anything happen? Okay, I try jumping off a rock. I toss a pebble at myself. Nothing? I try walking over a puddle. Still nothing? Okay, maybe it's a ring of regeneration. You guys know how we can test it and see if it is?
"Man, this City of Greyhawk® campaign bites. You people should dump this stupid world. It's dead anyway. Let's get a Realms campaign going. I had a character once who was Elminster's nephew, and he-"
"Stand back, fools, and behold the dark glory of Palanthanor, anti-paladin of the-"
I'm afraid that's all the time we have for this sensitive and insightful look at a tragic problem - intra-party killing - that has brought joy and laughter to so many gamers the world over. Thank you, and good luck. I hear Zeus has been asking about your cleric.
