The Peacock of Death vs. Evil Man

Friday, September 36th
Lifesaprison Middle School...


School was in session and the teachers throughout the building were busy trying to teach students the lessons and values that life would soon enough demand of them.
Oh wait, I'm sorry. That's some other school. The setting of this little bit is Lifesaprison, a Blue-Ribbon school in 1974 and now a good place to go if you're low on weed and on a budget.
LMS isn't at all like one of those inner-city schools where the cafeteria is split down the middle with police "caution" tape so the Cryps and Bloods can have their own little areas, and where there's enough firepower on each student crammed into the overcrowded place to take on China. Lifesaprison is more of a forgettable suburban structure where students go in, but they never come out.... until two-thirty everyday! Lifesaprison also hasn't had a dime to spend in the last twenty years, so the textbooks have endured quiet a lot of "I love" messages in their pages.
You see, it doesn't really matter if a school is rich and kept up-to-date with the latest educational technology, or if they're recycling worksheets because they're copier broke (or died, if they had been reduced to student slavery), all schools have one thing that makes them as scary as they are: EVIL.
From the pre-teen randomly-hostile bullies of elementary school, to the usually jealous or perhaps just screwed up villains of high school, the evil that plagues our educational system has always been and always will be.
Perhaps the most terrifying of the Academic Evils are the ones found in middle schools like Lifesaprison. The reason might be because students in middle schools are caught in the middle of puberty, therefore they are confused about just about everything, including whether or not they should do math, ask out that girl they like from fifth hour, or massacre their entire grade. Luckily, as in nature when one population starts to take over, an equalizer is brought in to keep the balance of things. There exists such an equalizer in Lifesaprison... a seventh grade student who has made it his duty to protect the innocent and to viciously stab evil in the head and twist his blade just so, causing the eyes to become all gooshy and.. and *Ick*! He is known as the Peacock of Death.



"Okay, class," began Ms. Frycook, the art teacher. She was about to present to the class several examples of abstract art she had done the previous night while tripping on LSD. "as you can see," she pointed to a strange blob of swirling color that sort of resembled Richard Nixon. "I have made this painting to reflect the stress and... um... tree bark we encounter in our everyday life."
The students stared at her, as if waiting for her to come down from a high she'd been on since the first day of school.
"Now, class, I have discovered a very easy way to make abstract paintings, but it can only be done in a red that slowly becomes a kind of brownish color...," she explained, loading a clip into a handgun she had taken from her desktop. "Any voulanteers?"
Ms. Frycook decided if no one was going to offer to be an example, then she would just randomly decide on someone herself. As she aimed the gun at the head of some student who wasn't too important anyways, her concentration was broken when the bell signaling the end of class rang.
"Oops, time to go, class! We'll pick this up tomorrow," the art teacher/drug addict said, putting away her gun.

Hallway, Locker of the Peacock of Death...

The Peacock of Death hacked at his locker mercilessly with his blade until the door creaked open, hanging pitifully from it's now broken hinges. He reached in and grabbed his Modern Terrorism textbook to take to Mrs. Pyro's class. As he was welding his locker back to a reasonably fixed state, Krystal came running up to him.
Krystal was the Peacock of Death's sidekick, but only because the school tossed the Connect Four team (they never won any of the tournaments anyways). She was, like most of the students, a mixed species. Her dominant traits were that of a deer, so she was a doe to whoever asked. She had long blonde hair that she always kept down, and she constantly had a mechanical pencil within her reach. Other than the Peacock of Death's sidekick, she was also head of school communications. She wrote notes, read notes, and passed notes. Not a note was written that didn't, at some time or another, go through her. She was pretty good at the game, she had only been stopped twice by teachers. The rest of the time, the notes always got through.
Today Krystal had a very important note, and it was of extreme importance that it got to the defender of Lifesaprison Middle School.
"PoD! Quick! Read this note!" Krystal said excitedly, waving it frantically in front of the green-feathered peafowl.
The Peacock of Death took the note and unfolded it. It had been manipulated into a heart shape, and it was very difficult to restore the paper to its original form.
"My God," said the Peacock of Death, finally getting the paper to stay somewhat flat and readable as he held it in front of him. "why don't ya lock it in a safe next time?"
"Just read it!" cried Krystal, making it sound as the note contained important launch codes or something.
The Peacock of Death read the note aloud:
"Eric,
Wazzup, hottie? Are you gonna be at Cafe Spazzenz 2-nite? I really wanna see ya there and maybe we can--" his readong was interrupted.
"GIMME THAT!" squealed Krystal, grabbing the note and violently turning it over and shoving it into the Peacock of Death's hands again, almost forcing him backwards. She was a bit taller than he was, but then again, so were most people in his grade level.
"Oh," said PoD, reading the new words. They were not in Krystal's handwriting, the note was no doubt written by a guy. A guy with very bad handwriting, almost like a kid's.
The note read:
"Dear Peacock of Death,
Well, little birdie friend, it seems you will have to be late for your terrorism class, for you see, I think you'll be busy with a little situation I've personally set up for you. According to rumors spreading around the school by stoners and janitors, you have a girlfriend. Tara, I believe her name is. I certainly hope those most likely false rumours are true, for I have the li'l vixen tied up right now as you are reading this note! If you want to set her free, you will have to journey into the heart of the gymnasium where I am holding her! Hope to see you there soon, Peacock of Death.
--[Love with an X crossing it out],
Evil Man"
"Yer goin' out with Tara?" asked Krystal.
"No way!" the Peacock of Death said quickly. "She's a prep!"
"Oh, okay. Wanna go to class, then?"
"Alrighty."
The anti-evil duo traveled down the hall, the Peacock of Death almost tossing the note aside before he noticed something else written in almost unreadable scribbled words.
"Wait, hold on, there's something else written on here!" PoD told his sidekick, stopping in the middle of their journey to room 131.
PoD read:
"P.S.
I really know better than to go on a guess based on rumors! I also have a bomb planted in the girls' lockerroom! If you don't show up, countless lives will be lost, maybe so countless that we'd have to count just to be sure!"
"Well, let's go and take care of that, then," said the Peacock of Death as he brandished his sword, accidently slicing the heads off of a few preppy girls that were wandering by.

In the Gymnasium...

The eighth grade gym class was cowering in the corner, in complete and utter fear of the Ultimate Evil. There stood Evil Man, engaged in an argument with Coach Oldfatguy.
Evil Man was a boy of about eleven. His unusually high, even for a pre-teen, voice would strike fear into the vital organs of those who were unfortunate enough to hear it. He had short, neatly parted brown hair and sky-blue eyes bigger than mutant deadly waffles from outter space, putting any anime character to shame with their Shiny Factor. She was clad in a yellow "I love the Earth" shirt and his perfectly tailored pants were creased beyond the point of return. If someone were to pants him, he would reveal boxers patterned with hearts and happy faces. Evil Man never changed his facial expression, he never even blinked. A genuinely ecstatic grin was pretty much tattooed on his face.
"Look, Evil WO-man, you can't be in here! First of all, you're a sixth grader and you don't have gym class until seventh hour! Besides, you don't have a hall pass! You get outta my class, pussy!" Coach Oldfatguy was the first to make that grin of Evil Man's tremble a little. The overweight, middle-aged, balding coach wasn't completely useless after all.
"Aw, gee-golly-gosh shucks," said Evil Man, cringing as he uttered the horrible obscenities. "I just wanted to have some fun. Surely you understand, Mr. Coach."
"My daddy'll sue you!" threatened the prep in bondage from the basketball goal.
Just then, the heavy gymnasium doors swung open and the Peacock of Death charged in, Krystal behind him, looking around at the scene.
"I am the Peacock of Death!" announced the sword-weilding bird.
Krystal looked up from a note she had started writing and waved to the cornered eighth graders. "Hi."
The class waved back and a few cheered on the strange bird with the katana. Others simply planned on beating him up later because he was different and a grade lower.
"Peacock of Death!" barked Coach Oldfatguy. "Get this evil out of my gym!" He pointed to the villain with a stubby index finger.
"Oh goody! The Peacock of Death!" rejoiced Evil Man. "I just knew you would show up!" The happy villain attempted to hug the congo peacock, but was pushed away quickly.
"You disarm that bomb, Evil Man!" commanded the Peacock of Death, placing the tip of his sword at the sixth grader's forehead.
Evil Man backed up a step, leaving the sword to drop down to the Peacock's side and swing loosely for a while.
"Aw, panda fuzz," cursed Evil Man, hanging his head and sulking. "I'm sorry. Please don't yell at me." Evil Man looked up again but still did not meet the eyes of the school defender.
"You see," began the villain. His grin had been gone since the Peacock of Death's scolding. "I have problems. You know how some people are really good at solving problems? The ones I have... I just can't solve! Well, normally anyways. I have normal, everyday dillemmas, but I can never think of the right solutions. It's like this time when I was little... I wanted a Hyperbuzz Cola from a machine, but I didn't have any change to buy one. So... so I... I travelled to the headquarters of the company with an army of cloned Frog Soldiers (very efficiant due to their being amphibious) and destroyed the place, only saving the president of the company to hold hostage. I broadcasted a notice that I had him with me to all the branch offices and factories and said if they didn't give me a Hyperbuzz Cola, then I'd settle for drinking his blood. His BLOOOOOOOOOD! Long story not-so-long, I got the soda AND his blood. You see what I mean? I just can't do anything right!"
Krystal looked at the saddened villain, a look of sympathy on her face.
"Aww, you poor little guy," she said softly. "You have it terrible! Hey, whaddaya say to getting help, eh? I mean, you could get therapy! Get a whole new lease on life! You could be a whole new person! A whole new *GOOD* person!" Krystal said, her hopeful smile slowly reviving Evil Man's trademark grin.
"You're right, Krystal!" Evil Man said, his voice full of new hope. "I'll be a not-so-messed-up person from this day forward!" he announced triumphantly, turning towards the door.
Evil Man was just about to walk out the door to begin his new life, when suddenly, a voice stopped him dead in his tracks. It was the Peacock of Death,finally speaking up again.
"Stop right there, Evil Man!" shouted PoD.
The Peacock of Death gripped his sword tightly and took a few steps back. He got a running start, and lept high into the air in a way that may have gotten him on the basketball team if he wouldn't trip on his tailfeathers all the time. As he flew through the air, he held his sword like a baseball bat, and upon nearing his landing in from of Evil Man, swung mightily. The blade made a sharp swishing sound as it sliced through the air and through the flesh on Evil Man's neck, which seemed almost as effortless. The Peacock landed in front of Evil Man's body. The kid's head landed with a dull thud on the gymnasium's rubber-coated floor. It rolled for several feet in an aukward elipse, finally settling in one spot after rocking back and forth a few times, the still-grinning face gazing blankly up at the metal rafters of the gym.
The population of the place stared in silence for a while, waiting to see if the head would utter one last "Oh BOY!" perhaps. Finally, Krystal said something.
"PoD, didn't you hear what I said? He had changed his ways and you killed him!" she said.
"Oh really? Heh... sorry, guess I didn't hear ya." PoD replied, a bit embarrased.
"Well, I'll go deactivate the bomb, and you go get Tara," said Krystal.
"Okay."
Krystal hunted down the bomb in the girls' lockerroom while the Peacock of Death untied the vixen from the basketball goal.
"Ew! Don't touch me you stupid... bird!" said Tara in disgust as the Peacock of Death untied her.
The Peacock of Death just shook his head, sighed, and said:
"I knew it, you preps are just impossible," and with that, he whacked her with the flat of his sword, sending her sprawling onto the ground, out cold.


Later that day, in Science Class...

Mr. Spazzy, the science teacher, was constantly trying to teach the students about the many ways to protect themselves from the Qloryan Invaders from Galaxy Taco, but once a week, he let his students have a fun "free day" where he would set out various chemicals and the like for the students to do as they pleased with. Today was one of these days.
The board read:
"Today: Fool With Dangerous Stuff!"
The Peacock of Death and Krystal were working together on perfecting a powerful form of hydrochloric acid. Krystal decided to test it by placing a drop on the class--heck, the school--geek, Nerdy O'brian.
"Hey Krystal," shouted PoD over Nerdy's screams of agony.
"Yeah?" She said, turning around and looking cute and innocent as possible.
"You don't have homework, right?"
"Nope."
"Well, I was thinkin'...."
"Yeah?"
"We should hunt down Evil Man's family and kill them, too! I mean, we can't have them spawning any more of HIM, now can we?"
"You are so right," Krystal responded, whipping out several very large firearms.


Moral of the Story: Don't Eat Ham on Tuesdays if you Have an Infection.