Just kidding. I've done some pseudocoding of these skills and sent it to Tarkun. He says it *may* get put in...
Meanwhile, the guild does actually exist, and the skills are in, but
there are no abilities for them yet.
Prospectus: (first draft)
Welcome to the Guild of Fools! An Equal Opportunity establishment we
are pleased to entertain applications for membership from all strata
of Society. Traditionally a primarily male occupation , we here at
the
Fools Academy can see no reason why in these more enlightened times,
females of every persuasion should not have the right to make Complete
Fools of themselves too. (A task, I might add, that myself and
our
small but keen, highly-trained body of staff will unstintingly
dedicate ourselves towards, if you should care to enrol.) First-year
Students will be expected to live-in, though exceptionally
day-students can be catered for. Dormitories are light and well-aired,
with en-suite sanitary facilities. Wheelchair access is available to
all parts of the Academy. A special voucher system is used in the
Canteen so that those from poorer families entitled to free-meals may
have no cause to feel embarassment. (Please contact the Bursar if you
think you might qualify). Although we strive at all times to
maintain
a relaxed and informal atmosphere, (cap and bells to be worn only on
formal occasions), food-fights are frowned upon, and anyone found
Capering after Lights-Out is liable to find themselves on demerit.
In
keeping with our Equal Opportunity philosophy, no formal academic
qualifications are required by prospective candidates. However, since
many of our courses do require some degree of manual dexterity, the
ability to tie up own shoelaces would be deemed an advantage.
(Instruction in tieing other peoples shoelaces together will form part
of the regular first-year curriculum). The time required to complete
the full program of instruction available is variable and will
depend
on the natural aptitude of the candidate. Courses currently on offer
include: Clowning Around, in which amongst many other things, you will
learn the proper handling of the Tickling-Stick, discover the
advantages of a well-aimed Custard Pie, and be taught how place the
Banana Skin to best strategical advantage; Practical Joking and
Foolery, where you will clap with delight the first time some poor
sap
gets drenched to the skin by a bucket of water you've learnt
to
correctly balance on top of a door, enthuse over your new-found
ability to throw your voice with Ventriloquism, and be amazed as you
master the art of Disguise. For those those who prefer a less
slapstick approach, you are encouraged to take our Make 'Em Laugh
series of lectures, for truly has it been writ that Laughter is the
Best Medicine and in this part of our curriculum you will learn
how
to diagnose and treat many of the more common ailments you will
encounter during your stay in Cardea. (Students will be expected to
provide their own stethoscope.) And finally, yet perhaps, potentially
the most important of all you are invited to make an in-depth study
of
Foolishness in all its aspects ranging from Innocence to Idiocy, learn
to distinguish between mere Ignorance and Stupidity, and experience
for oneself the sheer Lunacy of trapping a moonbeam in a jar! (Jars
will be provided at no extra charge). It must be made clear however,
that at the conclusion of your period of study with us,
what with
the current employment situation being what it is, our Placement
Officer cannot guarantee to find you a position as a recognised King's
Fool or Court Jester. Nevertheless, whether you choose to enter a
less mainstream section of the entertainment industry or not, I and
my
staff are confident you'll find that our well thought out educational
program will stand you in good stead when faced with the complexities
of Cardean life. For wisely has it been said, that though you may fool
some of the people all of the time, and even fool all of the people
some of the time, provided you have a fast horse ready-saddled and
easy to hand, it matters not one jot if you can't fool everyone all
of
the time. (Riding lessons are available for a small additional fee).
1. Clowning around
1.1 The Custard Pie:
Traditional yes, but who can resist laughing at some pompous type
getting a faceful of pie? Harmless fun for all the family to enjoy!
(N.B. Students are urged to read the instructions on the back of the
pack of custard powder carefully. Too little water and and the pie
can
set rock hard in seconds of hitting its target encasing your
victim
in a rock-hard shell requiring a hammer and chisel to effect release.
Too much water will result in a mixture which can be inadvertently
inhaled, with, needless to say, tragic consequences.)
1.2 The Tickling-Stick:
Having trouble making people laugh? Never fear! With its patented
telescopically expanding handle and genuine imitation ostrich
feathers, this superb tickling-stick (supplied free of charge to all
first-year students) is guaranteed to reach the parts other
tickling-sticks cannot reach! Watch how it will reduce even the most
grumpiest of people to shrieks of laughter and make the tears stream
down their face! But, be careful! Don't over do it! There are several
well-documentated cases of people actually crying their eyes out, and
even splitting their sides laughing! Brr!
1.3 Itching Powder:
Nothing like itching powder down the back of the neck to have young
and old in hysterics as they watch some poor chap rush about in a
frenzy trying to scratch at their back!
1.4 Sneezing Powder:
Always good for a giggle, one pinch of sneezing powder blown in a
volunteer from the audience's face will have them sneezing for ages.
But take great care! More than one pinch and they could well sneeze
their head off. Messy.
1.5 The Rubber Chicken:
Getting razzed by your customers? Just whack any hecklers over the
head with your inflatable rubber chicken and see if they aren't struck
dumb with amazement!
1.6 The Electric Shock Handshake:
Always a perennial favourite, the Electric Shock Handshake trick, once
mastered, will leave your hapless victim's hair standing on end! (N.B.
The local Health and Safety Officer has asked me to point out
that
increasing the voltage beyond the advised maximum can can cause a
potentially fatal heart-attack. Use with care.)
1.7 The Mr Punch Glove-puppet:
Been invited to a birthday party? Delight children of all ages with
a
Punch and Judy show! We are pleased to announce that by buying in
bulk, the Bursar has made it possible for each Student
to purchase
their very own pair of exquisitely moulded and individually
hand-painted glove-puppets at a specially reduced rate not available
to the general public. Constructed from brass-reinforced papier-mache
especially designed to withstand many years of hard use, you'll also
find that they pack a real wallop when it comes to dealing with
disgruntled parents reluctant to hand over your fee when their little
dears start crying at the bit where Mrs Punch stuffs Mr Crocodile into
her microwave oven.
1.8 The Bladder on a Stick:
Though less in favour today, the traditional Bladder-on-a-Stick still
has the capacity to cause much amusement amongst the younger
generation and the feeble-minded. Student are advised howver to pay
careful attention in class as to the correct manner of its use,
lest
one inadvertently burst someone's eardrum when playfully beating them
about the head with it. (I.e. use the bladder-end).
1.9 The Clown Shoes:**[Imzadi]
Well you've finally be given your honorary clown shoes, so what you
gonna do with em? I'll tell you what your gonna do. You're gonna go
trip people up, you can even trip horses up and watch the rider fall
off.
1.10 Red nose, Wig and Clown Suit:
Comprising part of the clown's basic equipment, expert tutors will
demonstrate how, when worn properly, not even your mother will be able
to recognise you! (Extremely handy if your tricks don't quite work
out
right.)
1.12 The Fast Exit:
Though one is loath to admit it some people, alas, simply have no
sense of humour. When all your tricks fail and you still have not
raised not one titter or smile, the Fast Exit is recommended before
they ask for their money back.
1.13 The Stink-Bomb:
If your audience think you stink, maybe now's the time to raise a real
stink! Pungent enough to make a skunk wince, just drop one of
these
babies and watch how quickly everyone runs off leaving the area clear!
1.14 Laughing Gas:
Do they yawn at your best jokes? Bah! Put them to sleep properly with
a few whiffs from your Acme(TM) Laughing Gas magic fountain pen!
1.15 The Squirting Buttonhole:**[Imzadi]
Essential clown equipment, the squirting buttohole trick with have
the
tears dripping down their face
1.16 The Revolving Bow-Tie:**
Who could fail to stare in open-mouthed fascination at this garishly
coloured yellow and violet bow-tie rotating at high speed? So
fascinated in fact that they will be completely hypnotised! Ready and
willing to obey your every command! Have your audience in stitches
as
you make some poor chump bark like a dog, or moo like a cow, or
whatever suggestion your furtive imagination can come up with! (Please
note that it is a criminal offence to make someone give you all their
money whilst in a hynotic trance.)
2. Practical Joking and Foolery:
2.1 Ventriloquism:
Astound and amaze your friends by learning to throw your voice so that
it seems inaminate objects can speak!
2.2 The Bucket on the Door:
Learn how to balance a bucket in a door, so when it is opened the sap
underneath gets drenched with its contents! (For additional
entertainment consult with your local friendly alchemist to see what
can be dissolved in water.)
2.3 Disguisement (Elementary):
Disguise yourself as a tree, as a chair, or your best friend! Will
they be ever surprised when it turns out your not who it seems!
2.4 Disguisement (Advanced):
Though Fool you may be, no-one can fool you! Pierce through the
layers of disguise other people may adopt! Also handy for spotting
hidden practical jokes.
2.5 The Jack-in-the box:
Insert a pinch of itching powder or three, set the trigger, wait, then
howl with glee when some poor unsuspecting slob opens this perfectly
innocuous looking box and Jack jumps free!
2.6 The Use and Theory of the water-pistol: including
2.6.1 The double-barrelled pump-action squirt gun:
(Double barrelled for double the fun! Slip a sleeping potion in one
barrel and something else in the other!)
2.6.2 The Dolt .45 Six-Squirter
2.6.3 The BeWetta water-pistol, beloved of Secret Agents and Spies
everywere.
2.6.4 The DeLuger semi-automatic hand-gun
2.6.5 The Slurps elephant rifle
(N.B. An elephant is a mythical beast, extremely large and vicious,
possessed of two tails, one at each end of its body)
2.7 The ShoeLace Trick:
Do big bullies bully you? Muscle-bound brutes kick sand in your face?
Never fear! Whilst pretending to fawn and unashamedly lick their
boots, learn how to dexterously tie their laces together right under
their nose and watch them fall flat on their face!
2.7 The Banana Skin:
Deceptively simple, yet requiring many hours to master, the
strategically placed Banana Skin will not only cause people to
slip
over, but their horses too! Not to be missed!
2.8 The Pocket Magnet Trick:**
Don't be deceived by its size! This miniature pocket compass conceals
within its casing a magnet so strong it distorts the earth's magnetic
field for yards around! Twist the knob on the back two turns to the
left and North become South, East become West! Ho! Will people ever
get themselves confused! Wicked!
3. Make 'em Laugh
"Laughter is the best medicine"
A joke a day keeps the doctor away!
Manifold and diverse are the various ailments that one can contract
quite uknowingly. In this course of lectures you will learn to
diagnose and cure the following afflictions:
3.1 Blindness:
" What goes Boo-Hoo, Splatt? "
"Someone crying their eyes out!"
3.2 Struck Dumb:
"Doctor, doctor, help! I've lost my voice!
"I'm extremely sorry, but it you won't tell me what's wrong,
I can't
very well help you"
3.3 Sub-miniaturisation:
"Doctor, doctor, help! I think I'm shrinking!"
"I'm sorry, but I'm very busy at the moment, you'll have to be
a
little patient."
(>> Ok, Ok! This section needs working on! I'm thinking! Honest!)
4. Foolishness
In this series of lectures the following topics will be covered:
4.1 Innocence:
By adopting an aura of childlike innocence you will be able to wander
at will through the forest without fearing attack by wild animals.
4.2 Lunacy:
Trap moonbeams in a jar to light your way in dark places. Also can
come in handy if you get stuck down a hole; simply remove the lid of
the jar and climb up the moonbeam to make good your exit.
4.3 Idiocy:
With the supreme confidence of the Total Idiot, by simply closing your
eyes you can rest assured that since you cannnot now see anyone,
neither can they see you. (For complete anonymity, a brown paper bag
may be placed over the head.
4.4 Simple-Mindedness:
Only the most simple-minded have the unerring faith to place
their
hand in the fire and not expect to get burnt. Much lighter and cheaper
than bulky asbestos body-armor, simple-mindedness is a talent well
worth being learnt.
4.5 Stupidity:
Verily has it been written that against Stupidity the Gods themselves
contend in vain! Once garbed in the impenetrable Armour of Stupidity,
sit back and watch in smug satisfaction as every blow struck by your
enemies rebounds of you harmlessly!
4.6 Dopiness:
You have to be pretty dopey to think you can walk on water without
sinking...
4.7 Dottiness:
And totally dotty to contemplate ever thinking thin enough to squeeze
through the crack in a door.
4.8 Inanity:
You have to be pretty inane to laugh at one's own jokes. But it can
be
a pretty useful trick if you're sick and need to make yourself well
again.
4.9 Supreme Foolishness:
Only the Supremely Foolish could believe that they'd live forever,
could wander the world unscathed, never once gaze upon their
own
corpse lying dead on the ground, or that with a mere snap of their
fingers would rise again...
4.10 Senselessness:**[Imzadi]
It takes a real fool to drink themselves senseless on orange juice!
But you'll be so numb, you won't feel a thing if you walk smash into
a
door or a wall and break it down.
4.11 Ignorance:**
It takes a real fool to ignore the laws of gravity, but it won't you
be left standing in slack-jawed amazement when you flap your arms like
a bird and fly off to wherever you want to go!
4.12 Carelessness:**
You should never leave matches lying about for careless people to play
with. They are more likely than to set fire to themselves. Well, I
suppose it is one way to keep warm when the cold winds blow.
4.13 Weakmindedness:**
Unable to resist those strange voices in your head making you do
things you don't want to? Never fear! Just learn how to stuff some
tin-foil in your hat, and you'll never be bothered with weakmindedness
again!
4.14 Delusion:**
Sadly but true, the insane asylums are plain stuffed full with poor
deluded fools who believe they're the King of Hondwanaland. But it
needs a fool of the first order to be so completely deluded that they
actually take on all the attributes of who they think they are.