Back to Random Silliness Page
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass,"and"Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call... and call again.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go thru labor while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else out.
15. No, YOU assume the position, Piggy.
14. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
12. No, offi, offic, lucifer... I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.
10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
7. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
5. Come on, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
1. What do you use those rubber gloves for?
1. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.
2. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!
3. Look at the size of that thing!
4. Sorry about the mess...
5. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.
6. Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?
7. You've got something jammed in here real good.
8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed!
9. Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!
11. You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!
12. Get on top of it!
1. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!
2. Possible he came in through the south entrance.
3. I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?
4. Hurry up, golden rod...
5. That's OK, I like to keep it on manual control for a while.
6. But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...
7. Control, control...You must learn control!
8. There's an awful lot of moisture in here.
9. Size matters not...judge me by my size do you?
10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!
11. Would it help if I got out and pushed?
10. I think of you as a brother. (you remind of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance')
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer)
8. I'm not attracted to you 'that' way. (you are the ugliest dork I've ever laid my eyes on)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I've got batteries)
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, Bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you)
2. I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether)
And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with)
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
...and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex....................
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
(some from ALLMUSIC discussion list)
10. Industrial Christian Rock
9. Gansta Country
8. Grunge Disco
7. Classical Thrash
6. Doo-wop Rap
5. Speed Gospel
4. Soft Metal
3. Polka Blues
2. Techno-Death Mamba
1. New Age Opera
1.Vary your vehicle's speed inversly with the speed limit.
2.Roll down the windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
3.At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4.Two words: Chicken Suit
5.Write the works "Help Me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6.Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7.Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8.Stop at the green lights.
9.Go at the red ones.
10.Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11.Eat food that requires silverware.
12.Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13.Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15.Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16.Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17.Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18.Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19.Restart your car at every stop light.
20.Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-veiw mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21.Throw burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22.While stopped at at light, urinate out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23.Paint your car with occult symbols.
24.Keep at least five cats in the car.
25.Have some passengers have wild noisy sex.
26.Cheer for firetrucks. Boo ambulances. Moon police cars.
27.Stop and collect roadkill.
28.Stop and pray to roadkill.
29.Throw spam.
30.Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam
at them.
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit: A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10) George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
11) French Hospitality
12) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
13) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
14) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
18) America's Most Popular Lawyers
21) The Amish Phone Book
22) Al Gore: The Wild Years
23) Easy UNIX
24) Everything Men Know About Women
25) Everything Women Know About Men
26) How to Keep a Virgin from Following You Around Afterwards
27) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
28) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
29) Staple Your Way to Success
30) The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before it.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die, for no apparent reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason,
you'd accept this.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT. But then you'd be required
to purchase extra seats.
5. Apple Automotive would make a car that was powered by the sun, self-repairing, twice as reliable, and three
times as fast- but it would only run on 10% of roads.
6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault"
warning light.
7. People would get excited about "new" features in Microsoft Cars, forgetting completely that they had
been available in other cars for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
9. The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
11. After you bought your flashy new Winfire 95 sports car and found you couldn't drive it out of the showroom
because it had square wheels, they wouldn't tell you how to change to round ones until you had gone home to fill
out your new Winfire driver registration card.
12. Having finally changed to round wheels and got on the road, one day the round wheels fell off and the Microsoft
Car Co. wanted you to pay a big bag of money up front before they would take your phone call to find out if wheel-falling-off
problems were covered under warranty.
15 Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com.
14 Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott's... Stoli, Mott's...
13 He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party.
12 Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to the apocalypse.
11 Suddenly your travel agency's site is featuring inter-planetary excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets
to Guyana.
10 His home page says "Best viewed from the Mothership."
9 Your website's "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint handing out flowers at airport.
8 Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club's "Site of the Day."
7 She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.
6 Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends.
5 Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning to rescue the true believers.
4 Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.
3 Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles Manson.
2 He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert."
and the Number 1 Sign Your Webmaster is in a Cult...
1 Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut; lives in a mansion; has many followe... Hey, wait a minute! That's Bill Gates!!
1 There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound
puppy underwear and a superman cape
5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings
7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late
12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in
the movies
14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
18 Duplos will not
19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
20 Super glue is forever
21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
22 Ditto Tarzan
23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
24 Pool filters do not like Jello
25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is
29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on
30 Plastic toys do not like ovens
31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
33 It will however make cats dizzy
34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
1. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
3. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip
Beeeep Bip..."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
6. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
7. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
8. Sniffle incessantly.
9. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
10. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
11. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
12. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
13. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
14. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
15. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
16. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
17. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that
you'll be saying more any moment.
18. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
19. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
20. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that
way."
21. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
22. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
23. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
24. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
25. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
26. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
27. Honk and wave to strangers.
28. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
29. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
30. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
31. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
32. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
33. only type in lowercase.
34. dont use any punctuation either
35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
39. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
40. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never
mind, it's gone now."
41. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
42. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
43. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
44. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
45. Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
46. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no,
wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
47. Ask people what gender they are.
48. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
49. Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar"
or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
50. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
51. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day..
52. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book, claim
its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
53. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
54. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
55. Send a list of "67 Ways to be Annoying" - but only send 55
1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git"instead
of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" and
"Roll Tide".
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed
by an introduction from Hank Williams (Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul D-".
11. Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
14. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."
16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates -- 18. Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling)
Home Page.
19. "Where's Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where's Elvis?".
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
9. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
10. <----------------The information went data way-----------
11. Best file compression around: "DEL . " = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud....... James Baud.
15. BUFFERS FILES_ 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access deniedÎnah nah na nah nah!
17. c:\> Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
31. 11th commandemnt - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...
36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press to continue...
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to senderÎinsufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
55. Go ahead, make my data
1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't:
...want to shake hands and be friends.
28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab".
29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist.
32. ...take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
47. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?"
54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one. 59. A cucumber will never make
a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you ...
...for another woman.
73. ...for another man.
74. ...for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like
another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ...
...is married.
83. ...is on penicillin.
84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.
95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.
99. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.
101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,"
and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play
along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this
crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave
the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from
Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have
any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants
are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those
voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink;
explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
15 IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
14 "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
13 At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the
Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
12 Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
11 Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and
one hour.
10 Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
9 Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... Oops, too late.
8 Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
7 Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party
like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
6 Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.
5 Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
4 Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
3 First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley".
2 Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
and the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug"...
1 Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.
You Know You're Addicted to the Internet When:
This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
1. Husseinfeld
2. Mad About Everything
3. Allah McBeal
4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
5. Achmed's Creek
6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
10. Suddenly Sanctions
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26 Ways to Amuse Yourself